


Snap Back To Reality Book 1

by jaz_hop



Series: Snap Back To Reality [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Beware of emotional torture, Body Modification, But she's also a little shit, Dark Character, Drawing, Dubious Morality, Finding Meaning, Hatake Kakashi is a Little Shit, Hina is a cutie, Illustrations, Mentor/Protégé, Might Guy is too wholesome for this world, Morality, Multi, Naruto self-insert, Not a power fantasy, Original Character(s), Orochimaru Being Orochimaru (Naruto), Reincarnation, SI/OC, Self-Insert, Shimura Danzou Being an Asshole, Slow Burn, Third Shinobi War, Uchiha Shisui is a cutie, Violence, War is not fun, cause I'm an evil author, ends up pretty dark, for you the reader and for the characters, ninjas are bad at mental health issues, plot heavy, realistic power scaling, starts of light hearted, war tactics
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:53:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 53
Words: 271,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24734941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaz_hop/pseuds/jaz_hop
Summary: I choked on a vegetable and died. Apparently my death was ridiculous enough for me to slip through the reincarnation cycle with my memories intact. If I was going to die a completely stupid death anyway, might as well risk it in a career as a hired assassin right?Or in other words, a poor reincarnated soul finds out her hair is as green as the vegetable she choked on, the universe is laughing at her misfortune, and she's on track to being a full-time killer... but hey on the bright side she might just be a sociopath so this probably is the career for her!
Series: Snap Back To Reality [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2036641
Comments: 520
Kudos: 841
Collections: A Collection of Beloved Inserts, Faves of mine, Real Good Shit, SelfInserts OCs Reincarnation and Time Travel, Seriously Good Self-Insert and OCs Fics





	1. Chapter 1

Hina. My new parents had named me after goddamn vegetables, and I couldn't even be angry at them. I looked like a vegetable too, much to my ire. I had ﬂuffy green hair, the kind that was the same colour as kale and broccoli. I thought it was actually kind of a cute name... It appealed to my western aesthetics, but probably not so much to the Japanese one here. Suzuki Hina. I was a car brand too!

I'd not always been Hina. I had been Joanne Linus, a half Indian half Greek successful Bio-Chemist from Australia. Yeah... well apparently, I wasn't anymore. The thought made my head reel in a way that made my tiny, tiny little baby body stumble from dizziness. I was born to my loving parents Suzuki Yua, and Suzuki Noritaka.

I ﬁgured I was somewhere in Japan. My eyesight hadn't come in until I was 3 months old. In that time I took to just listening to people. It was a little maddening how boring everything was. There was my kaasan and tousan, and niisan, and they kept me busy, placing plenty of kisses on my forehead and baby talking me. It kind of made me stop crying, because I did that a lot. I was just so sad because of everything really. Not being able to see, not speak, not do much of anything and completely and utterly left to my thoughts about how stupid my death was and how embarrassing it was that I even remembered it. Oddly enough the rest of the memories regarding my previous life was blurry. I remembered vague things, and knew I was forgetting something… _someone_ very important. I tried not to dwell on it, or my death.

I had chocked on vegetables... yup. I died chocking on a large bit of bok-choy while slurping down some ramen. Yeah, well hopefully my family was laughing about it instead of crying, because honestly, I deserved it for kicking the bucket in such a stupid way. Here I thought I'd die doing something heroic like pushing someone away from a car or stopping a shooting. As if the universe was laughing at me, it let me keep my memories and my new name meant vegetables too, just to drive home the point that I died chocking on bok-choy.

Of course it took me about 6 months to ﬁgure that out, after my kaasan speciﬁcally told me. I just stared at her dumbstruck and then proceeded to pout as best as a 6-month-old could. I spent the next few months desperately trying to walk and talk. I wanted out of this boring old house!

"Nii!" I exclaimed opening and closing my pudgy hands up at my big brother, and boy was he big. My parents had a funny way of naming us. My brother was 4 and he was really tall and chubby. He had brown hair... which I was totally not jealous about because how in the world did anyone have naturally green hair?! Anyway, my parents had named my older brother Taichi, which literally translated to large one. He may be large but oh my god was he soft. He wasn't fat or anything, no he just had the softest personality ever!

"Hina-chan, how did you get out of your crib?"

I just puffed out my chest. How did I, a 35-year-old grown as women, get out of a crib in this barely a year-old body? Well apparently, I was Spider-Man. I don't know how it worked, but I had this sticky substance in my body that was all warm and energetic and buzzing with power and it was so sticky.

"Throw! Throw!"

If I was going to be stuck as a baby, I demanded entertainment. My brother sighed at me in a 4-year-old equivalent of exasperation. Still he picked me up from my armpits and threw me in the air like I loved him doing. His warm green eyes smiled back at me with an innocence only children had. He was the cutest doting older brother ever!

"You having fun Hi-chan?!"

"Yes, yes!" I squealed in delight, enjoying the way my body jumped.

Apparently despite my very mature mind, my childish instincts still remained. I wasn't exactly sure how this worked, and I wasn't going to question it. Plus, if I was going to be a kid I might as well enjoy it right. I had an excuse now for acting like an immature brat, something I had no excuse for as a professional career woman before. My fun was stopped short when kaasan walked in, her brilliant green hair pulled up in a bun, and her just as green eyes staring down at me. She was oddly intense and extremely paranoid. Despite these less than idea traits she was also really sarcastic. She was sardonic to a fault and it was just fun to poke at.

"Tai-chan, you know how I feel about you throwing Hina-chan," she chided picking me up.

I let out a whine when I was put back into my crib. My poor brother was looking thoroughly admonished and I didn't quite have the vocabulary to tell my kaasan how this was all really not his fault. I was barely allowed out of my crib because of this woman, and she was so paranoid that she had baby proofed every corner in the house that was even remotely pointy.

"Kaasan~" I whined.

"No young lady, you're going to sit here until lunch. Here play with this ok."

Normally any other kid would have been ﬁne with the stupidly irritating chew toy in the shape of a broccoli, but I was not. I wanted out of this prison. Taichi let out a little 'I'm sorry' before he was led out of the room. I let out an irritated huff, throwing the stupid vegetable toy out of the crib. I wanted it to hit the wall dramatically, making a loud sound to show my frustration, but my stupid weak baby arms only managed to toss it half a meter.

I slumped down in my crib, sucking my thumb. This life was stupidly boring. I was used to large families, with endless events and things I had to take care of. This life just felt dull in comparison. I had only been outside once and that was back when I couldn't see anything. My tousan was more willing to take me out but only ever to our backyard and to the bakery downstairs that we owned, but even that was only once.

I decided that I was done listening to my kaasan. I was Spider-Man for gods sake! I could do anything. Mwhahahaaha! I was tired from climbing the crib before but I was determined to get this right.

"Yu' goo," I gurgled in my ﬂuent baby language.

I put my palm on the wall and pulled out that sticky substance inside of me and put it on the wall and did the same with my knees and then I began crawling on the wall. I was so focused on it that I didn't realise I had climbed upside down. Oh my gosh was I on the roof! I may have been cursed to remember how bad my vegetable related death had been for the rest of my life, but karma evened it out by making me goddamn Spider-Man!

"Hina!"

I was so shocked by the sudden name calling at I didn't realise I had let go of my concentration. That's when I found myself falling. I let out a cry of shock when I collided into strong arms.

"I got you, I got you. Hush."

It was my tousan! I threw my pudgy little arms around him in relief. Wow I was so close to dying just then! I couldn't control my stupid baby emotions and began crying. He pet my back gently with his really big hands that basically took up more space than my whole back combined. I felt safe in his arms. I looked up in my father's relieved black eyes and let out a sniﬄe.

"Scawry," I mumbled, wiping the snot from my nose.

"Oh, I'm so sorry Hina-chan. How- How were you climbing on the walls?"

I shrugged. Maybe mutants existed in this world? Maybe I was some one of a kind accident by the universe? I had absolutely no idea.

"What happened Nori?" mom asked, rushing into the room.

"Hina was... she was climbing on the walls Yua! Do you think... is this chakra related?"

Chakra? Ok what? I was more than a little confused and slightly alarmed by the term. Was it like in the manga where they had chakra and ki, and all that? Was this normal in this world I had been born into? Judging by my mother's expression she looked pale and uneasy from the question. Oh my god was this like the whole mutant situation in X-Men where the world hated us or something?! Was I going to be taken by the government to be experimented on?!!!

"We can't tell a soul Nori! If- if they ﬁnd out now— I can't lose her too!"

Mom was paranoid sure, but this was a borderline panic attack. I let out a worried sound, sending her the best worried expression I could. It calmed her down a little and she ran her ﬁngers through my hair like I liked it. My dad sighed.

"Yua, she could get hurt. I've heard stories about chakra opening early in children... some of them were paralysed forever."

I paled. What? Oh shit I did not want to be bed ridden. I just got cool sticky powers! I did not want to suddenly become a cripple from it!

"Nori, let's discuss this after we put Hina to bed. She looks scared."

I was given a kiss and put back into my crib. They mumbled words to get my eyes closed again before turning the lights off. I was too worried to sleep, but my body was small and tired. I couldn't keep my eyes open for long.

* * *

It had been 3 weeks since that incident. I hadn't touched my chakra or whatever in fear of accidentally paralysing myself. I ended up bugging Taichi more to stave off my boredom. I sat with him and mother while she taught him how to read and write. I absorbed the information as best as I could but in this body, I was forced to sleep 90% of the time and doing anything made me extremely tired. I had bouts of energy yes, but beyond that I was passing out from the constant need for sleep.

It was all stupidly boring until one day dad brought home another man, a tall rather intimidating looking man wearing cosplay. I looked him over with confusion. Was dad into anime or something? This dude was also really pulling of that Jounin costume. He was tall, well-built and he felt different, more dangerous. Maybe he was a serial killer who was _also_ really into cosplay?

"You must be Hina-chan?"

"Uh-huh! I am."

"Hi-chan, this is Shikaku-san, he's a ninja. He's here to look over you to make sure you’re ok," dad said slowly, as if I couldn't understand him normally.

I gave the cosplayer a confused look. Shikaku? As in Nara Shikaku? Wasn't this a little too much? Were they larping or something? Was this man maybe a doctor who was cosplaying, so my dad decided to get him over for a check-up. Why introduce him as Shikaku then? Could this actually be Shikaku... what a stupid thought.

"Can I hold your hands?"

"Nori-"

Mother's hesitant voice put me on edge. What even was going on right now? I hesitantly held out my hands. It was always a little surreal how tiny they were. Shikaku wrapped his ﬁngers around my hand engulﬁng it and then looking me up and down in a calculative gaze.

"Her tenketsu is very developed. She has an abundance of spiritual energy and not enough physical to balance it out. If this goes on, she could really damage her body in the future," Shikaku said gravely.

Wait tenketsu? Was this guy shitting me because ﬁrst they talk about chakra and now they're taking a cosplayer's diagnoses on my tenketsu system seriously. I looked down and noticed the sharp glint of a kunai in his holster and the healed cuts and callouses in his hands. This was a man who worked daily with weapons.

_I was in Naruto._

My brain froze for a second and I lost track of the conversation in front of me. The actual fuck? I was in NARUTO. I was reborn in Naruto. No way. No way in the 9 hells was this real? It wasn't right.

"She hasn't had any problems so far. Why should she train with you?"

I was snapped out of my little existential crises by my mother's raised voice. I turned to her and she looked frightened, and a little bit crazy too. Dad looked worried but he put a hand on mom's shoulder and calmed her down.

"I understand your worries Yua-san, but I am not going to force Hina-chan into anything dangerous. She's only a year old. However in about 5 years if she doesn't balance out her physical energy with her spiritual energy, her body will begin deteriorating and it will be too late to do anything at that stage."

"My baby," Yua cried, clinging to me.

"M'kay! I good!" I said placatingly, patting her forearm in a 'there there' motion because I sucked at comforting people.

"Yua-san, I know this isn't ideal, but we are in tremulous times and I will not sugar coat this. She will be expected to be a Shinobi in the future. It's incredibly rare to see a child her age with this much chakra control."

Holy shit! I was wondering how much more intense life changing news I could hear in one day. This was insane! Nara Shikaku was taking me away to train me to be a Shinobi? What even was going on? Was this real or just some fever dream?

"I never wanted her to be a Shinobi."

Mom's voice was broken. She looked so sad, like she expected me to die at any moment. I mean she wasn't wrong. I was the kind of person who would choke on a vegetable and die, so maybe her paranoia was founded. If this was in fact real, and I was going to be a Shinobi, I doubted I would even get to battle before dying. Knowing me a training accident would probably do the deed.

"I'm truly sorry Yua-san, but this is unfortunately the world we live in. We must do what is good for the village, and what is good for the people in it. Hina-chan will be trained by the Nara clan to the best of our abilities."

"Are you... are you going to take her away?" dad asked.

"I will unfortunately. She will need to be monitored by an iryo-nin. You and your family will be welcome into the clan compound whenever you please. The Nara clan often take in civilian children with promise, mostly orphans, but sometimes children from the Academy. We have a visitor’s compound and you are welcome to stay there should you please."

"Thank you, Shikaku-san," dad said bowing.

Mom bowed too but it was stiff. She picked me up from the chair and took me to my room. I just sat on her lap for a few hours. Taichi walked in, sensing the tense atmosphere. He put a hand on mom's lap, sending her a worried look. To my surprise mom handed me to Taichi. She was trembling.

"Kaasan, 'm bye bye?" I asked, eyes wide in.

I was honestly panicking. Not only was all of this a shock, but it was all happening so soon. Naruto was real. My body was killing itself. Shikaku, was taking me away to the Nara compound to train when I was only a year old! I hugged Taichi. Despite everything family was important. I had lost my old one, which hurt so much even now, and I had grown to love this one. I didn't want to go! I didn't want to die either.

"The man's taking Hi-chan away?" Taichi said beginning to cry.

"Oh baby... no. It's just for a few years and we will visit all the time," mom assured running her hand through Taichi's hair.

Shikaku and dad walked into the room and I noticed the little duﬄe bag. It probably had all my things in it. I let out a sad sigh. This wasn't so bad... I just had to treat it like a necessary hospital visit. My old mom had cancer and she practically lived in the hospital for 3 years before making it out. This was just like that except until I managed to pull up my physical chakra or something. 5 years. I had 5 years and I wasn't ready to die.

"T's okay," I said placatingly tugging at Taichi's chocolate brown locks. My brother said me a sad look which made my heart break. He was too cute to be sad. I hated seeing him sad.

"My apologies Yua-san, Taichi-kun," Shikaku said with a wince. "I know this is hard, but we have to do this for Hina-chan ok."

My big brother nodded, hoisting me up. Mom picked me up, holding me in one hand and holding Taichi's hand with her other. I walked out of the house for the ﬁrst time since mom was a paranoid woman who baby proofed everything and was certain I would die if I was out of sight. A few of our neighbours sent us curious looks but they were too busy to ask. I took in Konoha, because this was deﬁnitely Konoha, with wide eyes. It was like a perfect mix of Old Japan and New Japan. It was actually pretty cool. I noticed how the more we walked, the less colourful the peoples outﬁts were. Then there were people milling around wearing headbands with the Konoha leaf symbol on it and I was a hundred percent sure Shikaku wasn't just some cosplayer.

The Hokage Mountain cemented that fact.

I was a little surprised to note that Minato's face was not up there. Sarutobi Hiruzen's face was... which meant I was somewhere between the 2nd great ninja war and the 3rd great ninja war. _Great_. Judging from how young Shikaku looked, around his early 20's I'd say, probably the 3rd ninja war. I buried my head in mom's kimono for a second.

Oh god how was I going to cope with this revelation?

I was so confused and taken off guard that I couldn't even bring myself to panic. I just stared dumbly ahead until we reached the Nara compound.

"This is the outer Nara district," Shikaku gestured.

It looked like the rest of Konoha, if a bit more on the traditional side. There were more houses here than stores and the stores that were present were weapons stores, ninja gear stores and the occasional food joint. It was all very traditional Japanese, with wide open spaces with lots of grass and light-coloured timber houses which made the whole place oddly calming and very open. It was very unlike the cramped civilian district we came from.

Mom and dad didn't look impressed, just stiff and sour. I couldn't blame them. They were giving away their barely a year old daughter to a clan they probably only heard about from word. I was just surprised that the Nara clan was willing to take in and care for a civilian one year old. Why were they being so altruistic? It wasn't like they were obligated to help me not die.

A girl in her teens, around 17-19 walked up to us, her spike brown hair cut to her neck and her dark brown eyes looked at us curiously for a second before turning to Shikaku. I noticed that her movements were sluggish, and she favoured one side in a very visible limp.

"Shikaku-sensei! Is this the little girl we were notiﬁed about?" she asked.

"Yes Hanami-chan. This is Suzuki Noritaka, Suzuki Yua and Taichi-kun," Shikaku introduced.

"It's a pleasure to meet you Hanami-san," father greeted the girl, putting on a smile and bowing slightly.

The ﬂustered girl bowed a little lower. She looked at me with a big smile, eyes dropping slightly in that friendly Nara way.

"Hello Noritaka-san, Yua-san, I'm an iryo-nin who specializes with children. I can sense the immense yin chakra from..."

"Hina," Shikaku supplied.

"Hina-chan," Hanami nodded.

"You'll be looking after Hina?" mom asked, sending a look appraising Hanami.

"Yes, I am a very capable Iryo-nin. I worked out in the ﬁeld for a few years but unfortunately with my-," she gestured to her right leg, "my career got cut short. I trained for another 3 years in the hospital to specialise in taking care of children."

"Hanami-chan is a very capable Iryo-nin. You will be leaving Hina-chan in good hands," Shikaku said ﬁrmly.

"Follow me. We'll get Hina-chan settled into her new place and then we can talk some more over lunch."

I was taken in a moderately sized house and into a surprisingly normal children's room. At ﬁrst glance it was normal anyway. I noticed it wasn't. The crib wasn't made out of wood, but steel and despite it being painted a sky-blue, steel was still steel. The windows were high up, enough to let light and wind in without being compromised. The toys in the corner were rubber shuriken and kunai and on the walls were posters of katas. Sheesh, were they going to get a 1 year old to learn martial arts? It seemed kind of excessive.

"I don't want to leave Hi-chan," Taichi said tugging at Hanami's yukata.

"No weave," I agreed, nodding my head for emphasis.

Hanami sent a worried look to Taichi and then back to my mother who remained unhelpfully silent. To my shock mom handed me over to Hanami, and with glassy eyes ruﬄed my hair, turned around to hold Taichi's hair and then left. It was so sudden and abrupt that I just gaped. Then I felt the tears prickle at my eyes and I grumbled wiping them away. Wow that hurt a lot more than I cared to admit. It helped a little that Hanami's spiky brown hair was distracting enough to tug at.

Mom left me.

It hurt that it wasn't the kind of mature heart felt goodbye I expected from her. I was only a little consoled when my giant of a father walked in to tell me in a babying way that they would have to leave me here. I sniﬄed, letting my stupid baby emotions get in the way but nodded in understanding.

"You're such a smart girl," dad cooed, pushing my bangs up and kissing my forehead.

I snorted, but it came out more as a gurgle and my vacant hands held his beard for support. He chuckled before a sad look crossed his face and he sent me down gently in my new crib. He sent a quick goodbye to Hanami, turned his head around to send me one more heartbreakingly sad look before leaving.

I sat in this crib, alone and with my thoughts. Wow... just wow. I was in Naruto. My family left me in the Nara compound. What else was going to hit me in the head next?!

* * *

A ball hit me in the head, and I groaned. I clutched my new wound with wide tearful eyes. God this tiny body felt pain on a different level. Even a tiny scrape felt like the whole world was going to end. I fell to my butt and gripped my shirt not to cry. I was a grown as woman. Baby hormones or not, I was not about to cry. The Nara boy that had thrown the ball at me rushed up to me and hastily picked me up, apologising to me and cooing my name. If I remembered correctly, this boy was Shin. I was hoping his brother's name was knee or something. God only my English wired brain could think up of something that lame.

"I'm alright," I managed to say in that annoyingly childish voice of mine.

"Wow, you're really brave huh!" Shin praised.

"Of course I am!" I agreed puﬃng out my chest.

"And apparently just as proud as an Uchiha."

That was Hanami's voice. I turned to Hanami and beamed her a smile. She was practically like a big sister to me in the 6 months I stayed at the Nara clan. She had to deal with my potty and meals, so she was also kind of like a mom.

"Hanami-nii!" I exclaimed, jumping of Shin's arms and running straight to her legs. Her good leg I mean. I hugged it, barely reaching her knees.

"Wow Hina-chan you're so fast," Hanami chuckled, ruﬄing my hair.

"I'm like Minato-sama fast!" I said boasting loudly.

"Yeah Konoha's little green ﬂash," Hanami chuckled. "Now little ﬂash, why don't you stop skimping your exercises?"

"I wanna play Shoji with Shuki-chan!" I huffed.

"You can play Shoji after you exercise."

"Can I get ice-cream too then?!"

"Hina-chan," Hanami sighed exasperatedly.

I chuckled. I always tried to push my luck. "Ok, Ok I'll do my stretches!"

It had become a routine to stretch for at least 2 hours every day. When I was taken to the compound I honestly expected more. I had asked why I only stretched, and Hanami patiently explained why it was damaging to a child's body to do any intense exercising. I could expect another 2 years or so before they even thought about getting me on actual exercises. I was ﬁne with that. The Nara laziness syndrome was kind of rubbing off on me. Also it was kind of nice being around people who treated me like a smart kid, rather than the toddler I was meant to be.

This time when I went down to the outer Nara training ﬁelds I was surprised to ﬁnd Shikaku there. That man was always busy. If I remembered correctly, he would be a Jounin Commander in the future which essentially made him the right-hand man to the Hokage. I hadn't seen his father though. The clan head was rather elusive and too busy for any no name children.

"Shikaku-sensei! What are you doing here?"

"I was planning to meditate with you and Hina-chan today," he hummed.

"You look tired," I blurted out.

He blinked in surprise at my deduction. It wasn't like he had any overt displays of physical tiredness. His eyes didn't have bags and he wasn't slouching. He just felt tired, with the way his posture wasn't so attuned to his centre, and how his hands, normally tucked into his kimono was beside him hanging down.

"I am," he agreed, giving me an appraising look. "Meditation is a good way to clear the soul, to bring equilibrium."

Wow he was using pretty big words, not even bothering to baby me. I was still only learning the language by ear, but it felt nice to not be treated like I was invalid. I gave him a smile and an enthusiastic nod.

"Ok then Hina-chan, let's meditate now. This doesn't mean you get to skip out on your stretches later."

"Aww, I was hoping you'd forget," I whined.

Shikaku laughed. "Careful the Nara is rubbing of on her."

"Shikaku-sensei don't encourage her," Hanami groaned.

That's how we got comfortably into our future meditation sessions.


	2. Chapter 2

Snap Back To Reality 2

~3 Years later.

I was nearly 4 and nothing interesting had happened. Life was smooth sailing in the Nara District. I frequently spent time playing with Taichi as my mother and father visited about 3 times a week. Taichi loved me although he was more than a little resentful to ninjas, which I frequently pointed out was stupid.

Meditation and stretching soon turned into exercising though. Unlike the other children I was not allowed to take it easy, if I did, I would die. I essentially needed to be a child equivalent of a tank. Hanami who had been a reasonable ﬁgure in my ﬁrst two years soon became something to fear. She was like an unforgiving coach. I would spend around 5 hours daily doing intense cardio, chakra regulation and swimming, because using weights at my age was actively bad for my body. So I stuck to my daily naps by the Nara lake, before spending the next hour and a half sprinting until my legs turned to jelly.

Suﬃce to say my studies were put to the side solely to focus on my physical therapy. I could feel my chakra overpowering my tiny body. It was going to cripple me and even I knew that. Suddenly being Spider-Man was kind of scary. Then again, this whole world was insane.

Freaking _ninjas_ were a thing after all.

"Another lap Hina! Now!"

"Ughhh," I groaned.

I stumbled to my feet and continued running. The Nara around the district sent me winces and sympathetic looks. What I was going through must have been their worst nightmares. Imagine having to get off your ass, stop playing Shoji, and actually exercise. I scoffed. I knew the ninjas in the Nara Clan took it seriously and trained, but they always muttered their grievances before starting. I wasn't a Nara though. I was a Suzuki, whatever that meant. I was a civilian kid after all. I had no cool kekkai genkai or any useful Clan techniques. I shouldn't complain. Actually more like I wasn’t in the position to complain. I had the unfortunate fortunate fate of being trained by Hanami. She drilled into me a work ethic unlike any I’d ever had before.

I ﬁnished my lap falling ﬂat on the ground and groaning. Hanami ordered me up in her coach voice and I shook as I forced myself to my feet. Then I grabbed the water bottle and gratefully gulped it all down.

"That *huff* was the *huff* tenth lap," I groaned.

"You did good Hina-chan, now go get dressed. I'm taking you to the park."

I shot up, eyes wide. Hanami gave me an innocent smile and I sent her a glare. She knew I hated being forced around other children. They were so- so... what was the word to describe them? _Arbitrary._ One moment you were their best friend and then the next they hated you because you tripped them over, but in reality, it was more like both of you tripping over each other. Then they could proceed to ignore you for months or randomly decide the next day to forgive you and go on to completely forget their grudge. It was so off putting.

"But Hanami-sensei," I groaned.

"Now Hina-chan!"

I let out a sound between a grunt and a whine and trudged myself to my room. I put on a dark blue kimono shirt and baggy black slacks. I pulled my shoulder length green hair back into a messy bun just how I liked it. I looked stupidly toned. I had gotten used to admiring my little 4-year-old body. Call me a narcissist but could you blame me for enjoying just how much effort I put into maintaining this body. I may only be 4 but I was toned for a four-year-old, with callouses already on my little palms and scars around my knees. I somehow managed to look a few years older despite my baby face. Being a chakra enhanced ninja kid did that to you.

Walking with Hanami to the park just solidiﬁed how unlike the other children I was. I once saw a Hyuga boy and a Uchiha girl with my same build, all toned and too ﬁt for a child. It was a little disconcerting to see it on other kids, because well... they were actual children and I wasn't. It was also a massive cultural shock when kids played around with wooden kunai and shuriken like it was normal.

I tugged at Hanami's haori and groaned. "Hanami-sensei, can't we just play some Shoji together."

"Come on Hina-chan, you need to be able to play with other kids too. Who knows, it may actually be fun."

Well playing in the park was fun, but not with other kids. I enjoyed the swings and I enjoyed the monkey bars and doing cartwheels and backﬂips and climbing trees, but I did not enjoy children. Ugh. Brats.

Hanami sat down at a park bench and proceeded to ignore me by reading. I let out a sigh of frustration mumbling out a 'troublesome' before walking to the park. All the kids looked busy in their little groups. I continued looking and was kind of relieved to ﬁnd a child by themselves, hunched over the sand pit. I made my way to them and he turned to me in all his white gravity defying hair glory. Hatake Kakashi. Huh. Well I didn't quite expect to meet a key player in Naruto just yet.

"Can I play with you?" I asked, this time with genuine interest.

He looked about my age, which really set me in on the timeline. He nodded, half lidded eyes turning back to the sand pit. Thank god he was a quiet kid! We played away at the sand pit for a while, not really talking which I was entirely too grateful for because I had no idea what to say. It was peaceful until an older boy kicked Kakashi face ﬁrst into the dirt. The kid pulled himself up wiping away the sand with the same disinterested look on his face.

"Hey what was that for?" I asked, crossing my arms.

"Why're you two so weird! You're always quiet!"

"Yeah I've seen them around. Weirdos!"

“Come on, let’s play ninja. You losers can join if you want to!”

I rolled my eyes. These were just a bunch of pudgy children. They looked so weak and they were picking a ﬁght with me and Kakashi? Were they stupid? Oh right these were just kids. I cracked my knuckles, walking forward with a menacing grin and they squeaked before running away. It helped that I was a head taller than them! Thankyou dad, for these amazing genes!

"Kids," I huffed.

Kakashi gave me a quizzical look, tilting his head in an almost too adorable way before he said a blunt, "You're a kid."

"Huh, guess I am."

Then we silently began working on the sandcastle again. I eventually got bored and the sun was irritating my face, so I stood up and stretched.

"Wanna play tag instead?" I asked.

To my surprise Kakashi nodded, looking rather eager to move out of the sun too. I stretched my aching legs from my previous workout. Kakashi looked pretty toned for a brat too.

"Ok I'm it!"

Kakashi sprinted away with surprising speed. I blinked for a second, caught off guard before I chased after him. He seemed taken aback by my persistence. I may not have been as fast as him, but I had the stamina of a poor soul tortured who was burdened to run every day until she could no more. I eventually caught the elusive kid. To my surprise we began what was essentially a mock Taijutsu slap battle, if not a little clumsily, as I tried to dodge his hands at close range. I eventually had to duck and roll to get away and found myself having a harder time not getting caught than catching. Kakashi was a fast-little fucker.

Not long into the game I was cornered and just to make sure I got away (because there was no way I would lose to a kid), I ran up the tree. My natural talent to mould chakra to my will made it extremely easy for me to learn tree and water walking. I was kind of treated with a little more respect because of it. To my shock and awe, Kakashi squinting up at me decided he too would walk up the tree. He slipped and fell the ﬁrst time, and I watched on curiously. Was he as much a prodigy as the manga made him out to be?

"Push your chakra through your feet," I directed.

He did but it was too much, and he was blasted away. He quickly recovered twisting into a roll. I chuckled. Wow he had good recovery too.

"Not too much," I added.

"How much?" Kakashi asked narrowing his eyes.

"Try and... make it sticky," I shrugged.

I was no teacher. Kakashi put his foot on the tree, this time carefully concentrating and then to my surprise he actually did it. I noticed that children were now milling around us, enamoured by the idea of walking vertically on a tree. Even some of the civilian parents were watching.

"You're really good at this," I complimented.

Kakashi didn't hear me, concentrating on his movements too much to really think. In only a minute the midget genius was up the tree besides me. I was genuinely surprised when he broke that look of concentration and put a hand on my shoulder. I gave him a confused look.

"Your it."

_Oh fuck_

* * *

It had been a while since anything interesting happened asides from meeting the mini Hatake. We played in the park together whenever we met. I managed to steer clear of Sakumo, because heck if I was going to involve myself in the life of a man who was destined to die. I couldn’t do anything about it, so I would spare myself the pain and never get close. Other than Kakashi slotting himself into my schedule, life went on like usual, which meant more training. Hanami was drilling into me the beneﬁts of being a masochist because the ache in my muscles and the feeling of pain as I scraped my knees falling down was so cathartic that she didn't even need to tell me anymore to do an extra lap. Hopefully I didn't end up like Gai or Lee, although being a solely Taijutsu based ninja didn't seem too terrible of a fate.

I was nearly 5 now. I was so close to being let out of the Nara compound. I really didn't know how to feel about that. I loved my family, and I absolutely adored Taichi, but... Hanami was closer. It was unfortunate but when you spent a considerable amount of time being bossed around by an older female ﬁgure at a young age, she kind of becomes your mother, even if your real mother is around.

It wasn't Yua who pulled the sheets off my bed every morning, or forced me to eat vegetables which I hated, or tucked me into bed after a long day of training. Yua was there for me sure, but when she was around it was like she doted on me to an extreme, holding me at arm’s length and giving me an oddly dispassionate look while simultaneously showering me with presents. If I didn't know better, I'd say she felt guilty about not loving me.

That hurt.

So it came as a kick to the gut when Shikaku came by and handed some documents to Hanami. The woman looked devastated, her normally bright disposition turning sour. Shikaku put a comforting hand on her shoulder, squeezing it and Hanami stiﬄy turned to me smiling. It just seemed so forced. I put down my toy kunai and hopped off the chair, turning to her.

"Hina-chan, your physicals are looking perfect. It seems your physical therapy is done."

_And so is your time here._

It made sense. I wasn't a Nara. I wasn't going to be here forever, hanging out with Hanami, training, going out to get mochi and playing Shoji with the other kids— beating them to the dirt. I knew this and yet the lump in my throat didn't go. I didn't often lose myself to my emotion, being a rather level-headed person, but I found myself hugging her, burying my face into her stomach. Her warm hand ran through my hair and I held back a pitiful sob.

"I don't want to go," I mumbled. "This is home."

This was home. Nara was home. Sure I wasn't part of their Clan, but growing up here, playing with the kids here, bickering with the laid-back adults here... eating mochi with Hanami after every Saturday training _here_ ; that was my life.

"I know Hina-chan, and you will always be my little leaf, but your kaasan and tousan love you a lot and so does Taichi-kun. They'll be really sad if you don't go back home. I'll always visit and your always welcome to come visit here too."

I nodded, pulling away and putting myself back together. God stupid childish emotions. I was better than this. I was an adult. I straightened myself up and bowed low, probably frightening to two Nara in front of me.

"Thank you, Shikaku-san, Hanami-sensei! Without you I would never have made it this far. I am forever in your debt."

I quickly straightened up to see Hanami's ﬂabbergasted look and Shikaku's wide eyes. The older man was ﬁrst to recover.

"You are a member of Konoha Hina-chan. What we did for you was what we do for family. Konoha is our family, and that means you are always welcome back home."

I blinked up in sudden understanding. There was no real reason the Nara took me in, at least nothing to do with bolstering some personal agenda. This was the famous Will of Fire I had heard about, the unity that Konoha strived to engrain into her people. Same tree, different branches, many leaves.

It was stupidly idealistic. I was shocked the Nara of all people would promote its qualities. I'd always assumed maybe the Inuzuka and Aburame clans would be more suited to the philosophy, but the Nara I thought were a bit shrewder. Honestly, I thought the idea of unity was good and important, and it had a way of pulling you into its sweet call, but I had grown up in a different world with different cultures. For all purposes, I was incapable of being brainwashed by the Village, and the Village would never truly be my top priority. The people in it however... people like Shikaku, Hanami, Kakashi, Taichi and my parents, they were the only ones I cared about.

"Thank you, Shikaku-san," I said again.

"I believe you still owe me a game of Shoji. I expect you here next week."

"Of course!"

Then Hanami and I began the solemn process of packing away my belongings. I looked at my assortment of chestnut brown, navy blue and khaki clothes and sighed. If I wore this in the civilian district, I'd probably be made fun of again. It was to... ninja, and that's what I'd come to be. I packed away everything into just 2 bags. Everything I ever owned could be ﬁt into 2 bags. Not a lot considering.

"Ready to go Hina-chan?"

"Yeah," I mumbled out, taking one last look at my room.

I let Hanami hold my hands out of habit as she walked me out. A few Nara waved me goodbyes, congratulating me on my recovery. I gave them forced smiles. God I'd miss them and how carefree they were. Then we walked in a sort of sad silence, chatting about inane things on the occasion until I reached my old home. We walked into the Bakery, and the smell of sweets and fresh bread hit my nose. It was always a good smell.

To my surprise Taichi jumped out and popped some confetti on my face. Mom and dad came out holding a pink cake with welcome back written all over it. Dad picked me up in one of his giant crushing bear hugs and despite my sadness I couldn't help but giggle.

"Welcome back kiddo!" he laughed, his voice rumbling deeply.

"Ahh tousan your beard is prickly!" I whined.

"Oh you like it?!"

He then proceeded to rub my face against his more and I giggled, pulling away. Then he put me down and Taichi gave me a big hug. I looked up at mom who gave me a small smile, a hand brieﬂy resting on my head. She looked a little less distant today, but her wariness was still present. Any normal kid wouldn't have noticed but I did. I turned around to see Hanami wearing a strained smile. My mood dropped slightly.

Then we walked up the stairs and I put my things back down in my old room. The crib was long gone, replaced by a soft pink looking bed. I'd probably have to change the sheets to a nice neutral colour later. Bright ones just were a little too childish for my tastes. The room was distinctly different though, with soft pastel colours and rather girlish furniture. They must have paid a good amount to get everything here, so I didn't feel comfortable asking for a change. I put my bags down on the bed.

"I'm so glad to have her back. Thank you, Nara-san for taking care of her."

"It was my pleasure Yua-san. Hina-chan has a great work ethic, very good chakra control, and has exceeded all my expectations. She is an amazing daughter."

This was the most unpleasant Yua had ever been to Hanami before. She didn't even call Hanami by her name, always distancing herself a little rudely and calling the younger woman Nara-san. I didn't like it of course, but Yua was weird. She and Taichi harboured some kind of aversion to all ninjas, which was kind of weird considering we were in a ninja village. At least dad was reasonable.

Hanami on the other hand would always phrase things oddly to Yua. The Nara would make sure her sentences could be taken as me being her child, and it only really added fuel to the ﬁre that was their relationship. Honestly it was a little off putting to have two adult women ﬁght over you, and to be your mother ﬁgure of all things! It was just plain odd.

"Little Leaf, I'm going to be going now. Remember to always-"

"-do your warmups before training," I sing songed. "I know."

"If you need any help for the Academy don't feel afraid to ask."

I nodded, giving her a soft smile and hugging her. Hanami gave me a hug longer than usual, letting out a sad sigh before plastering on an amiable smile and waving me goodbye. I watched her go, my smile leaving me.

"Good heavens. I'm just glad she's away from those Shinobi."

"Yua, you know not to say that," dad whispered harshly.

"Sorry Nori, it's just a relief to have her back... and what, now she's going to go to the Academy too. She should be here, learning how to run the shop with Taichi."

"We can't do anything about it," dad said ﬁrmly, as if he was tired of repeating it.

"They took my baby away, and now they're going to turn her into one of those killers."

I'd heard enough. I walked away. So what... so what if I was going to be a killer? Taking lives was an act measured and calculated and in war it was not murder, it was necessary. It was the way this world worked, and I wasn't going to ignore it, living a 'safe' civilian life, being defenceless and sitting on my ass when others fought. I enjoyed training, I enjoyed running my ass to the ground and sweating out of every gland in my body. Plus I really had no choice. I was living in a military dictatorship, where my therapy was traded for my future. It was signed legally or anything, but it was heavily implied that I was going to be a Shinobi. Even if I was given a choice I would chose this route. Being a Shinobi would get me education in the future, money and status that would not come by staying idly by as a baker’s daughter.

All I'd ever done in my past life was go with the ﬂow, getting a job in science, working under superiors who told me what to do, where I should focus my research. I sat on my ass for a pharmaceutical company, with good pay, making medicine to proﬁt them to the detriment of the people needing help. That was the kind of person I was. I didn't have any grandiose sense of morality. Life wasn't some planned thing where you could come out of it with clean hands. The world worked a certain way, and I couldn't change that, but it wasn't like it was devoid of any worth. The people, your work, your effort, it all amounted to something, even if it was as inconsequential as your own personal self-gratiﬁcation.

Kami I was a selﬁsh fucker.

"Hina-chan, let's go to the park!"

Taichi looked enthusiastic. He was 9 now, and extremely tall for his age, and big in a kind of chubby way. He didn't work out as often as I did and judging from our family genetics he took after dad who was pretty big on all ends. He would have been intimidating with his build alone if he wasn't such a softy at heart.

"Ok," I said, a little unenthusiastically, but it was better than staying at home and listening to Yua mouth of my future career.

Going outside in the civilian side of town by yourself as a kid wasn't actually dangerous, so we were allowed out by ourselves. Taichi was still considered a kid until he was 16 by this world's standards because he was a civilian. It made him much more carefree than most of the shinobi kids I saw around who had some amount of work ethic engrained into them at an early age. Don’t get me started on the Uchiha children. They acted like mini shinobi the moment they left their mother’s womb.

The park we ended up in wasn't the park near the Nara district. The kids here wore bright colours, all running around noisily with more normal toys like shovels, dolls and teddies instead of wooden kunai and shuriken.

"Taichi! Who's this?!"

A boy about Taichi's age came my way, with brown hair and a missing tooth up the front. Taichi introduced me and I was expecting to be roped in playing with them, but the older boys pulled him away saying they wouldn't play with a little girl. I huffed, folding my arms and going to sit down at a vacant swing.

"Eww, why's your hair so ugly?"

A few girls started snickering at that. The annoying part was that the girl who said it had rather pretty strawberry blond hair, and she looked civilian. I huffed, unwilling to take the bait to a bunch of ﬁve year old bullies.

"Why so silent? Are you scared?"

I stopped swinging and sent the girl an ‘are you serious’ look. She bristled, standing up straighter with a haughty look. Kami, how did someone become such a haughty brat so early in life. What, was she some kind of a mean girl or something? A Regina George? What was this a typical high school drama?

"I really can't be bothered talking to you. Go play dress up or something," I said, ﬂicking my hands at them in the universal gesture of go away.

"No! In fact I want to play on the swing! Get off now."

What an irritating brat. I huffed. She was just a kid... just a kid. I knew how bratty they could get, and I was the adult here. There was no need to rise to their taunts. Geeze, I wish Kakashi was here. He was the only kid who I could really play with and talk to without getting pissed off.

I got off the swing and patted the seat. "Have it, just please let me get some peace and quiet. So troublesome."

"Ugh, like I'd want to sit on the seat that your ugly man face sat on."

"Oh my what a creative insult," I said sarcastically.

"Shut up! Emi-chan is prettier than you! You look like an ugly boy!"

I rubbed the bridge of my nose. Why exactly was a group of little girls pestering me about my looks again? I took a good look at them for the ﬁrst time. They were wearing ﬁne linen, bright colours, soft hands, unmarred skin and makeup? Their hair was also done rather well for a trip to the park. So they were _rich_ civilian brats. I looked down at myself, worn durable clothes, all-natural earthy colours, green hair thrown into a messy bun and sporting what I personally thought to be a very beautifully toned body. Maybe to those girls I didn't ﬁt into their standard of beauty or something and they wanted to call me out on my weirdness.

"Geeze just go braid each other’s hair or something. Leave me alone," I sighed, rubbing the bridge of my nose.

They shrieked at me, one of them probably coming over to pull at my hair. I let out a frustrated breath as I caught her hand, probably a little too hard because she let out a gasp of pain. Then the other girls looked at me with varying levels of anger. The blond tried to grab at me, and I pushed her away. She fell to the ground and promptly started crying. What, just from falling? The rest started yelling at me like I was the bad guy for defending myself.

"Are you hurt Emi?!"

A woman wearing a rather elaborate looking kimono, gaudy to the tip ran over to the blond girl and helped her up from crying. Oh great, here comes a Karen mom.

"She pushed mwee!" Emi cried pointing at me.

"Who do you think you are hurting my daughter?! Where's your mother? I need to have a chat!"

I gave the woman a rather unimpressed look. No doubt she had watched everything happen. So she knew that this was all in self-defence and she was willing to get me in trouble for it. What a drag.

"Look lady, why are you making a fuss? She's ﬁne, not even a scratch," I said pointing at her with a 'are we really going to do this' look.

"How unmannered!"

"What's wrong Hina-chan?!"

I turned around to see Taichi walk up and I sighed in relief. He could probably get me out of this, being a better communicator than I was. His friends followed behind.

"Is this girl your sister?" The woman asked sternly to which Taichi nodded. "She pushed my daughter down and hurt her! I would like to have a word with your parents!"

"Ugh, lady I only pushed her because she was going to grab at me," I huffed rolling my eyes. "Come on Taichi, let's go."

"Eh Taichi, your sister needs to apologise."

I turned to see his group nod in agreement. Really? Taichi who was clearly not the leader of his group, but rather the brunette who ﬁrst waved to him, gave out the orders. They were all looking at me distrustfully, like I was some kind of weird kid. I didn't care what they thought so I turned to Taichi, hoping he'd just say no and leave with me so we could have fun somewhere peaceful. He didn't though, he caved from the looks the woman and his friends were giving him. He gave me a hesitant look.

"Nee Hina-chan, maybe you should apologise. It's rude to push others."

What? When was it rude to push others? That's practically how kids greeted each other right? You push someone over, then you insult them and play ninja? I gaped at the angry adult lady and my brother and the kids in bewilderment. What had I done wrong? I mean logically I knew I didn't do anything wrong, but socially it seemed I was being singled out for some reason. I let out a frustrated huff and sent Taichi a look of betrayal to which he glanced away.

"Ugh, troublesome. I'm leaving!"

I was about to storm away when I felt a hand about to grab my back. I ducked and rolled instinctively, as I turned around to see the angry woman stand up and glare at me.

"No you don't! I'm taking this to your parents gaki!"

She swiped at me again, but I jumped onto the tree and ran up until I was hanging upside down from a branch away from their teach. I was fully prepared to verbally beat down that irritating women when I looked down to see the gaping faces. I mean... fair, it wasn't every day you see a 5-year-old tree walk, let alone a 5-year-old in the civilian district.

"Look lady, I don't know why you're so angry but seriously let’s talk this out like adults. Your kid was being mean to me and came at me so when I put my palm out and she lost balance, it's not really my fault is it?"

"Just because you’re a ninja brat doesn't mean you'll get away with this! Come on Ami"

The woman picked up her daughter and stormed away. I walked down the tree and Taichi was ﬂustered as his friends sent me odd looks. He took my hand and waved a quick goodbye before leaving. I wasn't complaining. Geeze, I hated parks without Kakashi in them.

"You should have just said sorry," Taichi said a little angrily.

"I didn't do anything wrong," I grumbled.

"You pushed a girl over and made her cry. You can't do that here!"

"It was just a push, geeze."

"She was rich! Her kaasan is probably mad at us now. We could lose customers!"

Ugh that oddly made sense. Maybe civilians were more vindictive in this world... or maybe it was just that Karen's existed in every universe.

Going home had been a weird experience. Kaasan looked at me with a sigh as Taichi explained why he looked so sour. I felt like everyone was overreacting a little. It wasn't like I sparred a kid and broke their bone or anything. Geeze, I'd seen that happen a lot and normally the parents just took it in stride, picking up their kids, saying goodbye to the other parents and leaving. Why was it so different here?

"Come here Hina-chan. I know you didn't mean to be rude, but this isn't the Nara compound, and you can't be rude here."

"I wasn't rude there either," I said a little insulted.

I didn’t like what she was implying. The Nara weren’t _rude._ Yua just sent me a look like she didn't believe me. Was it just me or was I feeling personally attacked all of a sudden? Yua had the audacity to sigh, like I hadn't understood her or something. She got up, holding my hand and taking me to my room. I bit down the illogical guilt that came with having a mother give you a disappointed look. I was an adult, but my body chose to act like a child at the most inopportune times.

"It's my fault, I should have taught you how to be a proper lady. I brought you some clothes. I can't have you wearing those, now can I?"

What was wrong with my current clothes? They weren't cheap material, in fact they were perfect to run in, durable and sweat resistant. My black slacks were also rather decent quality material. To my surprise when mother opened my drawers, I saw a set of new clothes in there.

"I took the liberty of buying you some new clothes, for welcoming you home. Come on let's try them on."

Judging from the rather pleased and excited look on her face, she was looking forward to this. I didn't have the heart to say no, so I ended up letting her take off my clothes. She began dressing me up in the stiff material, tightening the pastel blue haori around my waist. I looked in the mirror to the kimono I was wearing. I tried to stretch my legs and found it lacking in the movement department. Granted it was cute, but I wasn't exactly into that, and the bright colours were more than a little off putting.

"You look beautiful. Now you just have to grow out your hair, and you'll be a real beauty."

Sure I was alright looking, and long hair would look pretty on me, but how exactly was I meant to train with long hair? It always got in the way, and because of how silky my hair was I needed it short to keep it in place.

"This is for formal events, right?"

"No silly this is everyday wear."

I paled. _What?_ I had to wear these stuffy clothes every day? What the actual fuck. I couldn't stop the grimace.

"What's wrong?" mother asked.

"It's hard to move in. It'll be hard to train." Or run or do anything for that matter, but I couldn't exactly say that.

"Well now that you're better you won't have to train so much. You can make friends with the girls here and be a normal child for a few months."

The Academy was around the corner. Right. I actually couldn't wait but judging from the look on mother's face she was dreading it. She really did have a thing against Shinobi. She was my mother, so I respected her somewhat, but I also was my own independent person.

"Kaasan, I really enjoy training. I know you don't like Shinobi, but it's my dream to become one."

"You don't know what you're saying. Everyone says that Hina-chan. They make you believe it's an honourable duty and then you see the reality too late."

Oh damn even mother saw through the propaganda, eh. Wow, how did the village keep people in that shared these kinds of views? I knew the civilians were a large population, but this was a military state. Wouldn't they have precautions to ensure the civilians were loyal too?

"I know kaasan, but I enjoy training and sparring and learning how to control chakra. I know how the job works, that it requires killing, but it's for the village right? I don't have a choice either way, so I have to be the strongest, I have to be above it all."

Mom's eyes lost a bit of light at that and her expression grew a little more distant. It hurt a little. Kami, why was she acting so cold?

"I know. They've taken you away, even when I have you right here. Wear whatever you want."

I was a little surprised at the venom in her voice. She walked out of my room and I wondered what I had said to make her pull away again? Kami, I wish Hanami was here, she'd know what was wrong.


	3. Chapter 3

Living at home was... odd. The bakery was nice, but I sucked at baking. I was an alright cook in general, but baking wasn’t something I was used to. Taichi moved with the grace of a veteran as he kneaded the dough and worked in tandem with our parents like he was born to do the work. I stumbled along in my duties and ended up botching a dozen or so breads before I was assigned to serving the front desk. I stood on a stool and served easily enough, but my appearance was a little off putting to the customers once I ended up back in my usual clothes.

Yua became more and more distant towards me. Dad was always there, always a bright light in this suddenly dull life. He was a little sad when the Academy got brought up, but he never actively discouraged me or spoke ill of Shinobi to my face. Taichi, who used to dote on me easily enough was starting to see the strain I suddenly put on the family dynamic. He was becoming confused and his doting stopped, and he became wary of me, which hurt a lot.

I was blood and yet I didn't feel a part of this family. I felt like an intruder stepping into an already established dynamic that worked. I didn't ﬁt and it was obvious. There was nothing to do about it though. The Nara Clan helped me solely because if they didn’t, they'd be letting a citizen of Konoha die young, especially someone who showed promise. They wouldn't let me back in there to live with Hanami even if she wanted to. Clan compounds were for family members only, and since I had parents, I couldn't be adopted in either.

Living with the Suzuki's was odd and uncomfortable, but I was an adult and I could make do. If I really was a kid, then I'd probably be coming out of this with some mommy issues and a whole truckload of abandonment issues. To take my mind of my shitty circumstances, I visited Hanami about twice a week, continued studying at the library and doing my training and once in a while I would go to the park near the Nara compound to see if Kakashi was there. He hardly was. I only saw him once and I bumped into the White Fang, who was a legend around the ninja parts. It wasn't cool seeing him. He was a nice man and knowing he would die wasn’t pleasant.

"So you're the Hina-chan, I've heard so much about from my boy."

"Yes sir," I said with a wry grin. "Kakashi-kun talks about me?"

"Oh, all the time. He thinks you're smart and really co-"

"Tousan!" Kakashi interrupted, cheeks tinted red.

It was odd to see Kakashi so ﬂustered, but it reminded me that beneath all that unusual intelligence and maturity, he really was just a kid. A kid who looked up to his dad. A dad who would disappoint Konoha and be blamed for protecting his comrades over the interests of his village. A dad who would then later commit suicide. The thought had settled in the pit of my stomach, making the whole encounter more melancholy than it was exciting.

The image of a ﬁve year old Kakashi being carried away by his affectionate father made me feel largely hopeless. I was just a kid, a kid who knew a war was coming and who had to be prepared. I would have to be prepared for death, and worst of all I had to be prepared to meet more people who I knew were going to die.

What a souring thought.

* * *

The elusive Academy was ﬁnally here. I was taken to the entrance ceremony with my dad. Mom was mostly moody all morning, sending me in my Shinobi outﬁt a look of disdain. She sent me a strained smile after dad had a chat with her privately. I smiled back, but it was probably just as strained as hers.

Kids and parents milled left and right, and all their attentions turned to a very big ﬁgure. I had to admit Sarutobi Hiruzen was a ﬁgure to behold. He looked like a kindly grandfather, but his presence alone exuded a power that everyone felt. Even dad seemed entranced by it.

"Today we are coming together to herald in the future generation of ninja. We are here on a very special day to carry on The Will of Fire, the heart of Konoha to its future. You all will have an important part to play in protecting this village and its people! We are leaves in a tree that stand united together. I expect great things from all of you."

He spoke with a lot of strength, but his words were weighty. All the kids nodded, probably not really understanding his words directly but the tone behind it. It was very inspirational and all, even got me into the whole Will of Fire thing for a second. He probably made this speech every year, with the same weighted words that marked the future of a bunch of child soldiers who would see war before they were even prepared... not that he knew about that now, or at least I hadn't heard anything about war yet. Tensions between Konoha and Kumo were age old, and now we also had Iwa to worry about.

"Ok tousan, I'm going to go now," I said.

"Be safe Hi-chan, and you better be top of the class ok. The strongest kunoichi ever," he said ruﬄing my hair.

"Of course," I snorted proudly. "Who do you think I am?"

He just laughed at my conﬁdence before sending me off. I waved at him before milling my way in with the other kids. We were taken into a wide amphitheatre like room, with long wooden benches and a lot of sunlight. It was actually kind of nice, not like the concrete stuffed classrooms of my old life. It looked more like a university lecture hall than a primary school room which was also making me smile. This was just a pleasant place.

I noticed a few distinctive kids. 2 Uchiha, a few Hyuga, an Aburame kid... wait was that Nohara Rin? Kami, it was a little disconcerting knowing that cute little girl was going to die soon. Finally my eyes settled on Kakashi who I walked straight up to and sat next to him. I gave him a brief nod and we settled in together silently but comfortably.

"Settle down brats! My name is Fuyumi Tsyuya, and I'm going to be babysitting your asses for your foreseeable future, so you better get used to me!"

Tsyuya, was a rather angry looking woman. Her face was set in a scowl, and even when she wasn't scowling you could see the permanent creases in her forehead set from that constant expression. Despite how moody she was, she was a straight to the point kind of teacher. Talk and you were punished, distract anyone and you were punished. Really all you had to do was keep your head in the work while she was around. She seemed reasonable enough, but then again class had only been going on for 10 minutes.

"I'm so sorry I'm late!"

The whole class turned to look at the boy that came dashing in through the door looking out of breath, cheeks puffed red, and fixing his goggles. Tsyuya-sensei looked angry... angrier? The boy got head shot with a chakra enhanced chalk to the forehead. He fell to the ground groaning as the class snickered. A glare from sensei made all of them shut up.

"Don't be late again Uchiha. Take a seat."

Surprisingly the only free seat wasn't next to Rin, who was sending Obito a sympathetic smile, but to me. The boy gave me a grin, and I smiled back politely as he sat next to me. Wow, I was sitting next to the future antagonist of the series I read in my previous life. Kind of weird. Right now he was just a kid though, a kid who probably was late because he was more worried about helping an old lady cross the street than getting to class on time for his ﬁrst day. Why was it always the good people who were hurt the most?

I stopped thinking about it when sensei began her lessons, giving us a course structure overview and then suddenly starting us on our ABC’s. Wow. What a waste of time. I put my hand up catching her attention.

"Yes?"

"Sensei, I already know how to read and write."

"We encourage students who already know how to do those things to bring personal study material. Anyone else know how to read and write?"

A few hands went up, mostly from Clan kids and some from civilians. I expected some backlash for being unwilling to do the assigned work but apparently, I had lucked out and received a very level-headed sensei. She told us to bring whatever reading material we wanted, as long as we completed our assigned homework, she didn't care what we did in class. Then she proceeded to angrily sit down and patiently explain how to do something as mundane as reading to a bunch of kids.

I didn't know what I expected. Shuriken practice, maybe a ninjutsu 101, historical indoctrination, or even taijutsu forms, but apparently this was just normal school. LAME! This was so lame! I spent the better part of the lesson just ﬁnishing the work out of boredom, because talking in class wasn't allowed and sensei was honestly scary.

When it was ﬁnally time for lunch and the bell rang Obito practically bounced out of his chair, letting out a whoop as he rushed out the door. Kakashi rolled his eyes and I chuckled.

"So what's up with the mask?" I asked, quirking a brow.

Kakashi just shrugged. "Fair enough."

Eh, I was kind of curious, but not enough to hound him about it. I knew what he looked like underneath any way.

"How far are you with taijutsu?" he ﬁnally asked.

"Just about halfway."

He seemed surprised at that. He probably thought I was some kind of genius because I could run up trees before him or something. I mean he wasn't wrong, I wasn't exactly dumb, but I probably wouldn't be as smart as him in the future once he fully matured. He was the real prodigy here; I was just some poser pretending to be a child. It kind of got blurred sometimes, the line between a child and an adult. On one hand I acted far more irrationally, and emotionally than I ever had in my previous life, but on the other it didn't exactly erase decades of years’ worth of experience.

"Your chakra control is good though," Kakashi pointed out, bringing me back to the world.

"It's always been good," I agreed. Probably cause I'm so aware of it. "But I spent my whole life focusing on my ﬁtness because I was sick."

"You were sick?"

"Well kind of. I was born with an overabundance of spiritual energy, and that imbalance was going to overheat my chakra coils, so I was taken in by the Nara to get my physical energy to par."

I should be dying right now if it weren't for them. That was a scary thought. Kakashi hummed, apparently appeased from his sudden curiosity. He didn't often talk, but when he did, he was an inquisitive soul, always looking underneath the underneath, like a perfect little Shinobi. I was content to stay lazily in class by Kakashi but another part of me was itching to run outside too. It was good weather, and running was oddly addictive. Hanami really turned me into a masochist, didn't she?

"I'm going to go out for a run," I said standing up.

"Training?"

"Always," I smirked.

I just hoped I didn't end up like Guy in the future... although being a badass taijutsu master didn't sound too bad. Really, I enjoyed running and training because there wasn't much else I could do. 90% of the library was restricted to me. There was ﬁction books, cookbooks and biographies to read, but this wasn't Australia, this was a military state and books were heavily regulated here.

Anything on science or chakra beyond the basics weren't available to me or I would have already pursued a more academic career. By this world's rule you had to be strong to get more knowledge. You had to either be a respected ninja, or the child of a rich noble to get access to scientiﬁc material. Maybe that's why technology here sucked, because the system didn't encourage people to pursue science but strength and ninja related skills instead. It was all rather a bit disappointing if I were to be honest.

I was so lost in thought completing a lap around the Academy, when I noticed someone calling out behind me. I turned around to see a boy with the bushiest eyebrows and the most blinding grin, sprinting at me at almost an insane speed. Holy shit was that Might Guy?

"Are you perhaps also training?! What a beautiful ﬂower of YOUTH!"

"Nee, you're running laps too? Want to join me?" I asked.

Guy looked like he was going to cry. He grinned brightly at me screaming a very enthusiastic "Yosh!". I genuinely was beginning to like this kid. Maybe it was his enthusiasm, or the absolutely unending energy coming from him. It was admittedly inspiring. I liked him in the manga of course, but I wasn't so sure the characters translated over into real life. Guy wasn't going to die in the future. That made me feel a little better.

"Hey, want to see who can do the most laps?" I asked curiously.

Guy's eyes widened and his smile brightened even further if that was possible. Apparently, he was just as competitive as I was.

"Of course! May the power of YOUTH drive us forward!"

What followed was an intense sprinting session. The other Academy kids looked at us like we were crazy. They weren't exactly wrong. After the 10th lap, we weren't running pretty, with sweat practically pouring out of our faces and even a few Academy teachers milling around to watch and laugh. By the 15th lap I was panting heavily. Guy and I met eyes and we both suddenly got the energy to continue on, unwilling to lose. It was by the 20th lap that I practically collapsed onto the ground heaving harsh breaths. To my surprise, Guy who looked like he was ready to do another lap, stopped to help me up. What a fucking saint!

"Y-you win," I managed to huff out, slumping down beside a tree.

"That was fun! Yosh! I will strive to be faster and stronger! Um... I am truly sorry! How rude of me! I did not catch your name."

I gave the kid a smile. He talked funny, but in a good way, and I appreciated his green jumpsuit. He was going to grow up to be a ﬁne man.

"Suzuki Hina," I said bowing slightly.

"It has been an honour to meet you Suzuki-chan!"

"Call me Hina," I said before gesturing to him.

"Of course Hina-chan! I am Might Guy! Y-you may call me Guy!"

Was he blushing? Oh kami he was blushing. How cute. I chuckled and nodded, using his ﬁrst name and making him turn beet red. It was actually really hilarious. Kami, I shouldn't be enjoying tormenting children, but then tormenting children shouldn't be so fun.

The bell rang soon after and to my embarrassment Guy had to help me stand up. A few girls snickered at us, pointing out how green the two of us were. I mean they weren't wrong. I did have green hair, and green eyes and khaki was just a darker green. Guy however was decked in a turtleneck green jumpsuit. When I gave him a once over, I was surprised just how long his eyelashes were. How unfair! They looked way too pretty.

I slumped down next to Kakashi and he held his nose, giving me a grimace. I chuckled smelling myself. I smelt like sweat and stink... not a good smell but whatever.

"You should take a shower. Also why did you hang out with him?"

"Why not, he wanted to run too," I shrugged.

"His dad's the eternal Genin and apparently he can't even use ninjutsu. He shouldn't even be here," Kakashi pointed out.

He didn't seem particularly against Guy, just like he was pointing out the obvious. I frowned. Guy was eventually going to be a Jounin, the Beautiful Green Beast of Konoha! He was the dude who beat Madara Uchiha to the ground without a tailed beast, or clan techniques, just intense training and a will of fire. That had to mean he was strong enough with just his taijutsu, and it wasn't like other specialists existed. Kurenai was a genjutsu specialist and she wasn't particularly any good at taijutsu. Kakashi just had a skewed understanding of normal, being a mini adult prodigy and all. At least I had an excuse, having lived another life, but he was straight up a genius.

"If you work hard enough at anything, you'll be great," I said shrugging. "I'm not particularly strong but because I train a lot I got there."

"Yeah but you're different."

I didn't bother ﬁghting with Kakashi on this. He'd grow out of this stage eventually. Guy would prove himself and his hard work wouldn't be a waste... neither would mine.

* * *

Time went on and the Academy ﬁnally moved past the whole basic maths and Japanese stage. We began learning the basic taijutsu forms and started practicing hand seals. Of course Kakashi being the overachiever he was, aced about everything. I was struggling with taijutsu in that I knew the moves and had perfected my form easily enough, but actually sparring was different. I sucked. It was kind of a bummer. I wasn't particularly a ﬁghter in my previous life and apparently it translated to this one too. I got my ass kicked on several occasions. Guy's insistence that I never give up made me continue though. No use on crying over broken eggs.

To my surprise I never really interacted much with Rin and Obito after a one-time conversation with them. Obito was chronically late, and after Rin joined the Kakashi fan-club too, Obito had made Kakashi his reluctant rival. There was also Kurenai, who I talked to on the occasion and Asuma who had taken to the other girl. Guy and I got closer, our relationship consisting of us partaking in more and more ridiculous challenges together. The girls liked to tease us, often putting Guy down and telling him he wouldn't make it past genin without any ninjutsu. I wasn't willing to ﬁght a bunch of toddlers in verbal play, because honestly that was beneath me on so many levels, so I always just gave them an infuriatingly fake smile before dragging Guy away to do a more ridiculous challenge. We were close sure, but I drew the line at wearing a matching jump suit when one day he declared our 'eternal friendship' and presented me with one.

Really life was actually good... that was until war was oﬃcially declared. Kakashi didn't come to class the next day, or the day after that. His dad had committed suicide... even with my basic knowledge of Naruto, I remembered that. It made me wallow uncomfortably in a feeling I couldn't quite place. I had important information in regards to the future of many lives here, and some part of me wondered if I was obligated on a moral level to share it. Thankfully I wasn't a very moral person. I would protect my friends and family, but it wasn't like I was going to go out of my way to protect the Village. And who was going to take a five-year-old girl seriously when she spouted future knowledge anyway?

The tension within the Village was growing. The civilians were ordered to focus their careers towards the war effort. When I went home the smell of sweets wasn't there, and the only thing on stock now was bread. Safe to say my parents didn't look to happy. I walked to the Nara compound to ask around for Hanami was I was promptly told that she would be bunking in the hospital for the foreseeable future and that she would only be free on Sunday's.

It was like suddenly, in just one week, the whole world has switched into a mess. The Academy lessons began speeding up too. Then almost as if a punch in the gut, 4 months into the war and Kakashi graduated. A _ﬁve_ year old kid graduated. It made me pause and wonder just how messed up this world was. Sure Kakashi was a genius, but he was still practically a foetus. How could anyone look at a kid who barely reached above an adult’s knee and think oh wow this looks like someone who is ready to go to WAR! Jesus fucking Christ this was messed up.

I was currently making my way to a family meeting of sorts. I'd only seen some of my aunts and uncles in passing. They pointed out I was an odd child and left it at that. They neither loved me or hated me, just was mildly indifferent because they knew Taichi, and he was family, but I was not. I was just blood. Without Hanami, I felt lost. I had no family _bonds_ now, or at least the one person I truly loved was sent to slave away day and night in the hospital because of WAR! I knew this was coming and still it caught me off guard how different war made things.

"Hina have you gotten ready?"

I put on the only yukata I actually liked. It was a dark teal colour, with fan patterns in a pale green all over. It kind of looked like a peacocks tail and I totally loved it. I had cut my dark green hair in a boyish way, letting my bangs hang over the side of my face while the back was cut very short. It looked cute enough for a girl and let me easily tie up any lose strands while I was training or sparring. Yua didn't like it, but that woman barely liked anything about me.

"I'm ready kaasan!" I called out, slipping on my shoes and following her.

She gave me a once over before turning to leave. Dad gave me a smile, but it looked strained and a little stressed. He just looked stressed in general if I was being fair. Yua pinched Taichi's cheeks, doting on him a little before leaving. Dad was too stressed to pay me any attention. I didn't mind. This made me feel oddly like Harry Potter and it wasn't like I was going to complain. I had parents in my previous life, parents who were good people. I was an adult and I didn't need that again... but it still hurt a little every time mom ignored me, or every time she praised Taichi and put me down. Adult or not, constant favouritism and subtle put downs did eventually get to your self-esteem a little.

We walked towards a rather normal looking house. I recognised this as Uncle Eiichi's house. The man owned a rather well-established barbeque restaurant. He had a boy a little older than Taichi who was so snooty even Taichi didn't like him. Aunt Saiko's son though, he was a real sweetheart. I had a few other cousins I only heard in mention. Apparently, the whole extended family was here. It must have been serious if everyone was called in. We weren't a big clan or anything, but every family had adults, and adults had to provide and manage their careers which was harder said than done. It was why I stayed away from having a family of my own in my previous life. My career took up too much of my time and it would have been irresponsible of me to dump my children on someone else if I had them.

"Tai-kun, Hi-chan why don't you two go and talk to Matsu-kun?"

It wasn't a suggestion; it was an order. Taichi nodded and I snorted. I wanted in on the adult table. If the war was going to affect _my_ family I needed to know how. Apparently, dad meant it when he told me to leave because he gave me one of his rare glares. I huffed and reluctantly followed after my brother.

"Come on Hi-chan, I know Matsu-kun is annoying so we can prank him together or something."

I nodded in agreement. It took a lot to annoy my meek submissive brother, but Matsu was just that— annoying as fuck. He thought he was god’s gift to the world or something and because our parents often borrowed money from his father to keep us aﬂoat, we couldn't do a thing against him. Thankfully he was rather stupid, so I could get away with insulting him every so often and he wouldn't even realise.

"If it isn't broccoli-chan," he sneered.

"You know it," I said nonchalantly munching down on an apple for effect.

His insults were so lame. I doubt he'd ever be able to get a reaction out of me, which just made him hate me more. He called me the usual names, making fun of my vegetable name and my green hair. Then he took to making fun of my muscles, because he found it ugly on a girl. I really couldn't care less what I looked like to be honest. I enjoyed being a narcissist, and admiring my toned form, but I couldn't care one bit if I was pretty or not. In fact I was about just above average in the looks department and that was ﬁne with me. I was pretty in my previous life and that only brought me grief, cat calling and in general sexist behaviour in the workplace. Someone once even had the audacity to question if I fucked anyone to get into the job I did. Here, if I grew up looking like an ugly girl I wouldn't mind. It wasn't my job to be pretty, I wasn't a model, I was going to be a ninja. The more intimidating I looked and the less cute I was, the better.

"It's because of you we can't do business," Matsu accused suddenly.

I send the kid a look that basically screamed 'are you an idiot'. He blushed indignantly, balling his ﬁsts together as Taichi and a few of the other kids backed away.

"You Shinobi are ﬁghting! That's why people haven't been coming to the restaurant!"

"Seriously? You're blaming me?"

I rolled my eyes. Of course they were. They didn't know any other Shinobi, and they were just taking their frustrations and paranoia out on me. I had nothing to do with the war, and I'm certain I probably would have nothing to do with ending it either.

"Would you rather we go to war or let Iwa-nin come here and kill all of us?" I asked, silencing the kids.

"They wouldn't be coming here to kill us if you didn't ﬁght them in the ﬁrst place!"

Matsu tried to grab me, but I just put a palm on his face, keeping him at arm’s length. I let out an angry sound. Verbally abuse me all you want, but if you got physical, I would retaliate. I pushed him away and he made a sound of disbelief.

"Your just an ugly girl! We don't even want you here! Right Taichi?!"

My brother looked like he was put on the spot. I know I shouldn't feel disappointed when a kid got peer pressured into agreeing, but he was my brother and when it seemed everyone was against you, it hurt when someone on your side caved. He nodded and I let out a sound between a whimper and a growl. I got up and the kids backed away, fear in their eyes.

"That's right. I'm going to be a Shinobi. I'm going to go to WAR while you stay here, safe. I'm going to become strong and an important part of this Village, a vital one. What are you going to be then huh?"

Matsu shouted something about not wanting to hang out with a loser like me before isolating me from the rest of the kids. Good riddance, I was so glad they ﬁnally left. I could just sit down and practice going through my hand signs. My ﬁnger dexterity needed some work after all.

After a while of going through the motions even I got bored. I wanted in on the adult talk. Time to practice some stealth! I paid close attention to the sound my feet were making before I made my way to the guest room. Japanese walls were rather thin, so it wasn't impossible to hear through, even if it was muﬄed.

"We have to budget wisely. If this war goes on for more than a year, we will have to take a loan from the Village reserves. As it is now, we're barely making half the proﬁt we used to and it's only getting worse."

That was Aunt Seiko. Dad was accenting. This war was deﬁnitely going to ﬁnancially ruin our family. If I was correct it would go on for about a decade before ending. A whole fucking 10 years or so. I wasn't in on the exact timeline, but if I recalled correctly Kakashi was put on a genin team with Obito and Rin when he was about 10 or 11. That meant there would deﬁnitely be about another 5-6 years of war until Kanabi bridge and then maybe some more until it ending. I doubted our family could survive ﬁnancially for more than a year or two on just their money.

Oh kami, I would have to push my plans forward. Time to become a genin as fast as I could. If I did, I could provide ﬁnancially for my family. Yua might have been a shit mom, but Noritaka was a good man, and I would rather slit my own throat then let Taichi starve. He was too soft to survive in this cutthroat world without me looking after him. Mom could go suck a lemon.

I knew what was coming. With poverty came a lack of food, and with a lack of food and supplies I would have to spend more time working to provide than working to get better at fighting. If I eventually went down that path I’d be as weak as any other civilian kid, and everyone knew we were the fodder out there in war. Civilians almost always ended up in the Genin Corps, which was just a fancy way of telling us we would never amount to anything but to be the foot soldiers that contributed more in numbers than with power. I _refused_ to be that. There was nothing more in this world that I hated than mediocrity.

I was oﬃcially done trying to be a good civilian daughter. No more doing average in tests to keep myself in the Academy. If I had to fake being a prodigy, it was now or never.

I was going to be a ninja. 


	4. Chapter 4

* * *

If I wasn't already a workaholic before, I deﬁnitely was now. I woke up at the crack of dawn, somehow managing to force myself out of bed, and then I ran. I did more running than normal. Once I felt like I could collapse, I decided to practice with my shuriken and kunai. I sucked at throwing kunai, ﬁnding it easier to throw shuriken, and so I decided to focus more on my shuriken throws.

Once my morning training was done, I'd go to class and sit next to Guy. We would get through the class silently and obediently, sparring each other during our tests. Guy who had always defeated me with ease now suddenly found himself getting hit a few times. I got completely wiped when ﬁghting against the Hyuga kids in class for a few weeks until I got used to the Jyuken and then after a month or so of sparring with them I managed to ﬁnally beat them. Suffice to say the Hyuuga weren’t so pleased with those kids. I felt sympathy for them, but honestly it was their fault they weren’t working themselves to the bone.

I was spending all my time practicing and training that before long, I was standing out in the courtyard looking at our class rankings and I was ﬁrst. I blinked in surprise. First! I grinned. It felt good to be good. The ache in my bones, the callouses on my hands, the scars on my knuckles, they were a testament to my work. The leader board was a testament to my work.

"Congratulations Hi-chan!" Guy said giving me a ﬁst bump. I grinned back at him, a wide smile on my face.

"I couldn't have done it without my Green Beast!"

"You honour me Hi-chan!"

"Eh, how did vegetable girl get ﬁrst place?!"

I turned around with an irritated look etched on my face to see Obito. Rin jabbed his chest rather harshly causing the boy to sputter. He then noticed me and looked extremely guilty.

"Don't be rude Obito. Apologise!" Rin berated.

"I'm so sorry I didn't see you there," he said sheepishly.

I snorted. As if it was better to say it behind someone's back. Apparently, Rin thought the same because she jabbed his chest again. Obito ended up apologising rather profusely to me.

"It's honestly alright Uchiha-san," I said holding out a placating hand. "Being called vegetable girl is hardly the worst insult I've heard."

"Yeah but I'm still sorry."

"Pfft, she's not as cool as Kakashi-kun though!"

The rest of the girls nodded in agreement and I rolled my eyes. They were at the age where the girls fawned over boy's, and the boys thought the girls had cooties. In about 6 years it would reverse, but until then the fangirls would be fangirls. It wasn't like they were wrong either. There was no way in he'll I'd match up with Kakashi.

"Suzuki-san."

I turned around to see Tsyuya-sensei gesture at me, her normally angry expression oddly muted. The kids, as immature as they were snickered and went 'ohhh vegie-chan is in trouble'. Honestly being trained to be professional killers didn't change the fact that they were immature children. I rolled my eyes as Guy made a fuss about protecting me. I followed sensei into the empty classroom. She turned to me, her expression serious.

"Suzuki-san, why do you want to be a Shinobi?"

I was a little caught off guard by the question that my answer was a confused 'eh?' until I realised, she was waiting patiently for me. I narrowed my eyes trying to pin it down to one reason. I couldn't lie to her. I was a scientist in my previous life, not a politician or a lawyer. I sucked at lying.

"There's a few reasons Tsyuya-sensei. I guess you need to be a Shinobi to get access to some scientiﬁc material for study. I also want to be able to protect myself, become a capable independent adult."

"Is that why you stopped holding back?"

Oh she noticed. Of course she would. She was a Chunin.

"No, not really. Actually if I'm being honest my family are civilians and after a year or so they won't have any money to continue. I need to get a stable job to support them."

Apparently telling the truth warranted suspicion in this world. Should I have just lied and said I wanted to protect my previous people or something? I mean I technically did.

"You're very mature for your age Suzuki-san, but what makes you think this war could last more than a year?"

Oh shit, I didn't think about that. I tried to wrack my brain for a reasonable answer to that question. Gosh how long did the last great war last?

"The last war lasted more than a few years," I opted to say instead, before sighing. "I know it's going to put a lot of people on the streets and I will not let one of those people be my family."

Apparently, that was a good response because sensei smiled, which was a rare thing. It was a sad smile. Then she turned to her table and to my surprise held out a hitaite. I took it almost reverently, feeling the metal weigh down the dark cloth.

"Congratulations Suzuki-san. Your knowledge of the material and your ability in both taijutsu, ninjutsu and shurikenjutsu is top of the class, even beating the ﬁnesse of the older students. However you aren't the strongest, far from it. What you have seen in this academy will be nothing in comparison to what awaits you out there Suzuki-san. The level you are at right now you could easily kill you. Are you still willing to go?"

I didn't hesitate to nod. "Hai!"

"Then wear that hitaite with pride."

I stood a little taller and nodded, feeling almost as if this moment was monumental. It really was. Tsyuya-sensei nodded too and to my surprise she bowed, lower than necessary and I found myself ﬂustered, which wasn't often. I bowed too. Then almost as if sensei never did that, she straightened her back and handed me a scroll.

"Since you will not be graduating with a Genin team, you will be assigned a Jounin to work under. You are to meet them at training ground 3."

I nodded, bowing after taking the scroll. I walked outside to see the class had been trying to listen into the conversation. I got a bunch of kids screaming in disbelief as they saw the hitaite I had tied around my forehead. Guy hugged me, practically picking me up off the ﬂoor and screaming, "YOU'RE YOUTHFUL TRAINING HAS SUCCEDED!"

"Hehehe thanks Guy, but can you put me down."

"Congratulations," Asuma said rather amiably.

"That's awesome!" Obito agreed as both Rin and Kurenai nodded. Even the other kids were giving me looks of approval, although the girls who picked on me and Guy looked like they ate something sour.

"Thanks guys, I'll make sure to visit once in a while," I said with a soft smile.

Some of these kids had grown on me. Of course Guy was the closest but Kurenai, Asuma, and even sometimes Obito and Rin were acquaintances that should I have spent more time with, would probably be friends with. I wondered if I’d ever see Kakashi again. I probably would eventually down the line. I mean we were year mates, and I assumed we were the closest things to friends during the whole time he was here. I wasn’t so sure Kakashi understood the concept of friendship though, being the stunted man-baby he was.

“We should celebrate. Let’s go for some dango tomorrow,” Kurenai suggested.

“Yeah, that sounds good with me,” I nodded. It would probably put a major dent in my meagre savings, but graduating was a big thing and I thought I deserved one day of at least.

“Good luck Hina-san!”

“May the power of YOUTH guide you!” Guy cried.

I snorted at his antics and waved the kids goodbye. They were going to have a hard future, but hopefully not as challenging as mine. I walked out of the Academy, garnering a lot of attention, because really I was just a midget you barely reached an average adults’ knees and here, I was wearing a hitaite that marked me as a Shinobi of all things. Also it was a serious crime wearing a hitaite without the rank, so even children didn’t dare pretend with it on. It was probably why everyone was looking at me like I’d grown two heads.

Who’s my sensei going to be? Minato? Would I break up the dynamic duo and make it the terrific threesome? That was likely. I could also technically get a Jounin I’d never heard about, considering that Konoha was a very big place and that had more Jounin than the manga talked about. I found myself at training ground 3 eventually. It was a relatively isolated grounds, nearing the outskirts of town. It had a nearby water source, some tall trees, a mandatory clearing and some training posts around the edges. A rather quaint little place.

No one was here… wait that made no sense. I narrowed my eyes, pushing my senses out and trying to pinpoint the chakra around me. It was hard considering there was chakra almost _everywhere._ Heck each blade of grass had its own call! I scanned through the whole area and found nothing. Maybe he really wasn’t he— _what_!

I quickly rolled out of the way, my hands going for my shuriken almost instantly when a large dog jumped on my chest and began licking me. I let out a startled cry as it slobbered all over my face. The heavy dog didn’t let up as it nipped at my face. My sounds of protest eventually turned into giggles. A deeper laugh took my attention and I craned my head back to see a large man come over me. Huh. I didn’t recognise him, but I knew what Clan he was from. Those triangular red markings, that chocolate brown hair and large primal grin was the markings of an Inuzuka!

“Yama really likes you,” the man grinned. “Now get off her mutt.”

The large dog whined before panting and getting off, slumping on its butt and giving me the biggest puppy eyes ever, which was a feat in and of itself because this dog was _taller_ than me even when sitting down. I wiped the slobber off on my kimono shirt sleeves, before turning to my new Jounin sensei and bowing.

“Suzuki Hina, nice to meet you!”

“Oh, gotta lot of spunk girl. It’s Gaku Inuzuka, and that mutt is Yama. I’m your new Jounin sensei because apparently I don’t have the patience for more than one kid,” he laughed heartily.

“Well you’re in luck Gaku-sensei,” I grinned.

“Oh and why’s that?” he asked amused.

“Why, well I’m not a kid,” I replied fully seriously.

He snorted but he didn’t look angry. I took a good look at him. He was wearing his hitaite like a bandana. His face and body were broad, muscles well defined even under the flak-jacket, so he was a close-range fighter. He kept his beard in a goatee, or at least what I assumed to be one because it looked like he hadn’t shaved in a while and there was stubble surrounding his face. Judging by the way he wore the standard Konoha gear, he was either a serious Jounin, or he wasn’t into styling himself up. I grinned. Just from presentation alone, I already liked him.

“Well let’s get to know each other then. I’ll start,” he said, sitting down crossed legged in front of me and humming in though. “As you know I’m an Inuzuka, which means I work well in teams, especially with Yama here. I’m mainly a taijutsu expert, but I’m also an exceptional tracker. I’m weak against genjutsu, but I can easily dismiss a low to medium level illusion.”

I nodded, taking in the information. So a tracker and a close-range fighter too. I fought back a wince. This world must hate me because that sounded like the perfect person to be sent into the front lines. Well I just better not die… right…

“I wasn’t born to any ninja clan or parents, so I don’t have any clan jutsu. I have however, managed to perfect everything taught to me in the Academy as I couldn’t acquire any material outside of it. I have above average stamina and strength for my age, and I like to think I’m smart and a quick thinker.”

Gaku was nodding along, a serious expression on his face. I hoped that expression he gave me at the start was him being impressed and not him grimacing at just how mediocre of a ‘prodigy’ I was. I just hoped I wasn’t hyped up ability wise. Beating up a bunch of 5-6-year-olds wasn’t exactly a good measure of strength.

“I’m honestly surprised you managed so well without any ninja family kid,” he said with a smile.

“I was raised by the Nara until last year,” I admitted, to which he raised a brow for me to continue. “I was born with an excess of spiritual chakra, and was set to die by the age of 5 if I didn’t raise my physical chakra to par, but I didn’t receive any ninja training.”

“Does it affect your chakra control?” he asked.

I shook my head smiling. “Actually the only good thing about it, is that I have exceptional chakra control. I learnt the Academy three in just a week.”

I was still proud about that. Hey, I was allowed to be, especially when the other kids were still struggling with it, and even Kakashi took a month to learn it with the help of his legendary dad. Maybe I should be a ninjutsu specialist too, although I had only above average chakra pools.

Gaku stood up, towering over me almost comically. He stretched his arms, cracking his back before letting out a breath. He made a move looking like he was pepping himself up. What was he nervous about? Maybe he was just nervous that he had to keep a little kid from dying now that I was under his tutelage. I would be too.

“Ok, let’s do some stretches and then a quick spar. I want to judge for myself where you are at, and then I’ll sit down with you and write down a training plan. We’ve been given 2 months of preparation time to get used to each other before we’re being deployed out.”

“Hai sensei!”

He smiled, probably liking my professional yet enthusiastic attitude. Then we began stretching, and by kami, how did a man that big manage to bend like that? Gaku was a surprisingly awesome sensei. I imagined someone eccentric like Minato or Kakashi from the future, where they practically threw you into D ranks and hoped you learnt on the way. Despite being an Inuzuka, he was actually quite patient, and helped push me during stretching. I thought I had mastered stretching, having done it from the moment I could walk, but apparently there were more impossible ways the human body could twist than my tiny brain could imagine.

“Come on let’s do a quick spar. Keep it taijutsu for now.”

“Hai sensei!”

We made bowed as is customary before I jumped into my Academy taijutsu stance. I made my move first, finding it really awkward to fight against an opponent as large as him in taijutsu. Was I just meant to hit his knees or something? I instead decided to use a chakra enhanced jump, throwing a reverse kick at him which he blocked easily. His eyes were on my body. He was calculating my form. I decided to roll behind him, to maybe sweep his legs but man was it embarrassing when my kick didn’t even move him an inch. And I thought I was strong!

After five or so more minutes of this embarrassingly one-sided fight, he swept my feet and I found myself on my butt. I groaned as I got back up and he chuckled. Wow, I was absolutely _shit_.

“That was… oh my god I was terrible!” I voiced my complain.

Yama bent over to lick my face, which I loathed to admit did raise my spirits a little. To my surprise Gaku sensei didn’t look all too disappointed, instead his face was in a thinking pose, hands on his chin as he hummed to himself.

“It’s not your fault kid. I’m a taijutsu master and a Jounin. You’re just a fresh, out of the Academy Genin.”

I huffed. Didn’t make that pathetic display any less pathetic. I knew I was no Kakashi, or a real prodigy at that, but I thought I could do at least _something_ , even if it was landing one hit that did nothing, but apparently the gap between a Genin and a Jounin wasn’t a bridge but a whole goddamn sea!

“You were raised by Nara, did you say?” he asked, a glint in his eyes.

“Yes,” I replied, eyeing him.

“What would you say was different when sparring me compared to sparring a classmate?”

“Besides the fact that I got my butt kicked,” I pouted. He chuckled as that and waited for me to continue. I took in a deep breath and then it came to me. “I’m small. You’re really big, and I was used to fighting against opponents my height or smaller, with much less speed and size.”

“Bingo,” he said grinning. “The Academy taijutsu is simply designed for the basics in mind. It’s predictable and made so that anyone within the same level can fight each other. Taijutsu used in the field is actually a mix of more than one style. There are several forms for many situations.”

“Oh, I see now! Academy taijutsu is heavily focused on parrying and disarming. It’s broad in the sense that it can be used for any situation when you’re stuck without kunai or shuriken,” I said, eyes widening in realisation.

“You do have a good head there,” Gaku grinned as he poked my forehead. I made a sound of indignation as I stumbled back a little.

“What styles do you have in mind Gaku-sensei? I have no idea where to start if I’m being honest? Can you show me now?”

“Wow, wow calm down there, kiddo. Today I’m just going to be measuring out your skills so I can come up with a plan for the next two months.”

I couldn’t help but pout. My sulking was quickly fixed when he got me to demonstrate my stamina and speed. I was more than happy to know that my new sensei was the kind of guy who would go down the more positive reinforcement route than the drill sergeant one… although today was just a test run so I had no idea what he was like during actual training.

“So my little Kohai, what would you want to specialise in if you could?” Gaku asked as we went about our final stretches.

I scrunched my face in thought. I had thought a lot about this before. “I would like to get better at Taijutsu and Ninjutsu as my main focus, but I also want to learn Fuinjutsu one day,” I admitted.

Gaku looked mildly surprised at that. “Not a lot of kids want to learn Fuinjutsu. What brought about the interest?”

I smiled sheepishly. “I really like studying. I mean I love exercising and fighting too, but I’ve always wanted to do research too, get really into chakra and how it works. Fuinjutsu seems interesting because the strokes, I assume channel chakra, and that in itself means that chakra is something you can quantify and study.”

Gaku blinked at me in absolute shock before laughing. I huffed, “What’s so funny?”

“Nothing kid, it’s just that with all that cute muscle I didn’t think my new Kohai was such a nerd!”

“Hey, there’s nothing wrong about being a nerd,” I protested with a grin.

“Sure, sure,” he waved my comment away. “Come on kid, if I’m going to be your very awesome, and very cool sensei, I’m going to have to get to know you better. Let’s go grab some ice-cream.”

“Aren’t all the sweet stores closed?” I asked.

“No, actually all the restaurants in the Akimichi District are open as per usual,” Gaku sensei supplied.

So basically Clans were decked with money. That made sense. All the civilian stores were forced into war effort mode, but the Akimichi Clan was famed for their food, and it would lower Village morale if there wasn’t a joint with any sweets or alcohol in it. I was torn from my musings on war time economy when Yama nudged at my stomach, practically dropping his whole head under before pulling up. I yelped in shock and realised that I was sitting on top of him and _oh by Hashirama’s saggy tree sack_ , was his fur _soft_!

“Yama, I can’t believe you betrayed me so soon,” Gaku said in mock hurt.

The dog yipped and barked at him as if unamused and Gaku just laughed. I smirked at the silent banter. It was like watching Han Solo and Chewbacca. We made our way into the Akimichi district talking amiably to each other about random things, although I was more than certain that Gaku was picking my brain to see just how compatible we were and how smart I was. I was in no mood to be disingenuous to the man I was going to put my life under, so I decided to be completely honest in everything I said.

“Hina-chan”

I turned around surprised to see Shikaku at the sweet store eating a whole lot of ice-cream… an unhealthy amount of ice-cream. I wasn’t going to ask, but he noticed the question just from my expression and sighed. Gaku just chuckled.

“Gaku,” Shikaku said with a quick wave.

“Drowning your sorrows in sweets I see,” Gaku laughed.

“You two know each other?” I asked, getting off Yama’s back.

“We’ve been on a few missions together. So Shikaku, you wanna meet my kid?”

“Your kid,” he asked raising a brow.

I sent Gaku an odd look. Why was he acting like a proud dad? Weren’t Jounin sensei’s meant to be mean to their students or something? Maybe I was just stereotyping. I felt his large hand pat my head making me bop it down a few times from the sheer weight. Did I mention this man was big, because he was at least 7 foot tall? I barely even reached his knee.

“Yup Hina-chan here is my cute little Genin,” Gaku said.

“Genin?” Shikaku sounded genuinely shocked. “Where’s the rest of the gakis?”

“It’s just me, and I’m so glad you have so much faith in me Shikaku-san,” I said sarcastically, crossing my arms and looking fake hurt.

“Graduated early, eh,” he said, with none of his usual easiness. He looked a mix between disappointed and angry. I had to remind myself that even in this world a kid my age was not often thrown into battle. War was war though. Do what you gotta do and all that pizzazz.

“Ah don’t worry your pointy little Nara head. Yama’s already got his protective paw on her, thinks she’s a pup,” Gaku chuckled.

“Hey, I am not a _pup._ ”

As if to embarrass me further Yama picked me up by the scruff of my shirt. I let out a groan before crossing my arms petulantly. Kami, why did I get the one Jounin sensei who could make me blush and splutter in embarrassment? Gaku’s laugh turned serious when he looked back at the Jounin Commander.

“I’m serious Shikaku. I’m taking this very seriously.”

“I know.”

The two seemed to settle into an understanding and then Shikaku went back to eating his triple decker sundae. I let out a sound of protest as Gaku picked me up from my underarms and plopped me in a chair between him and Shikaku. He passed me a menu and I looked through the pretty pictures of delicious looking chocolate, ice-creams and desserts when my eyes squared in on the price. I gaped. That was way too expensive! One thing was worth like my entire life’s savings. I pulled out my deflated wallet and let out a cry.

“Don’t worry little Kohai, it’s on me.”

“You’re the best Jounin sensei ever,” I said in relief.

“You bet I am. So what do you want kiddo?”

I looked through the menu with wide eyes. Chocolate. I hadn’t had chocolate in years. It was rare and expensive since it was an imported product from the Land of Rice. Of course the Akimichi managed to get their Clan funded paws on it. My mouth was literally watering looking at it all.

“Um, can I have the chocolate nama cake?” I asked, probably drooling a little at it.

“Of course.”

Gaku ordered while I turned to Shikaku, who I hadn’t seen in quite a while. He looked tired… well more tired than the usual. His deer vest was a little more ruffled than usual, and while he was wearing make up to cover the bags under his eyes, make up did not cover the deep lines of tiredness. Plus the fact that a grown as Jounin, scary Clan head was sitting in a sweet shop eating more than a large serve of ice-cream screamed ‘I’m currently a mess’.

“Shikaku-san, you look like shit,” I said bluntly.

“Why, thank you Hi-chan,” he said scooping in another spoon.

“What’s got you all like this? Lady troubles?”

Shikaku spluttered, completely caught off guard. Gaku gawked at me before breaking out in laughter. The Jounin Commander quickly pulled at his collar before collecting himself again. He gave me an irritated look.

“I don’t remember you being so pesky,” he groaned.

“You’re just making it easy right now,” I pointed.

“The kid’s gotta point. You look like shit,” Gaku agreed.

Shikaku sighed, holding his head and then he nodded. “Actually it is lady problems.”

It was my and Gaku’s turn to splutter and make sounds of shock, because _what_? The Nara Shikaku, master mind, all round genius, Jounin Commander at 25 was having _girl_ troubles. Our shock turned into giggles, and Shikaku let out a sigh, looking like he wondered why he told either of us.

“I’m getting married,” he sighed.

“Congratulations Shikaku-san!”

“She’s a demon,” he continued, groaning.

“We have definitely got to meet her,” Gaku said with a downright feral grin.

Shikaku just sighed, groaning into his arms and looking completely done with the world. Gaku and I pestered him about his future wife. Yoshino, from the way he described her, sounded entirely like she could raze Konoha to the ground with just the flick of her finger. Considering that she wasn’t in fact One Punch Man, I was sure he was joking. She actually sounded like a riot. We ended up chatting about her, until Shikaku expertly changed the topic and then we ended up talking over the most delicious chocolate EVER. By the time we were done it was getting late and I needed to go home.

“Thank you again Gaku-sensei, and I hope to see you later Shikaku-san,” I said bowing lightly, before giving them a salute, and Yama a quick pat.

“Get home safe kiddo.” Gaku waved a goodbye while Shikaku grunted in agreement, giving me one of his rare smiles and waving as well.

I waved back, in high spirits. My Jounin sensei was actually… awesome! Sure he wasn’t the goddamn future Hokage or anything, but he had a level head and it looked like he’d put some thought into figuring out the best way for me to learn. It didn’t hurt that Yama was amazing too. My good mood continued until I got home. The bakery suddenly looked uninviting. I touched my hitaite, narrowing my eyes a little at the ground. Yua was going to lose her shit. I was doing this for Taichi and dad. I was also doing it for her ungrateful ass too. They were family, and while I did admit in rare cases family could be found in the people around you, blood still mattered to me.

“Tadaima,” I said softly as I entered the store.

“Okaerinasai,” Taichi greeted, stacking some bread away before he turned around and gaped at me. “Hi-chan is that—”

“Yeah I graduated today,” I said grinning.

“Oh so cool! Wow you must be so smart since you’re only meant to graduate at 9, right?”

“Yeah top of the class actually,” I grinned.

“Hina…”

I saw mother come out from the door, ready to ask me about something when she said my name and paused, her eyes resting on my hitaite. She gaped for a second before she just stood there in shocked silence.

“Y-you—”

“I graduated,” I said, hoping it would snap her back to the real world.

“Oh.”

Yup that was all I got before she looked at me like I was the one stabbing her in the heart. Then she walked away and went upstairs. Taichi looked up at Yua and back at me with a confused frown on his face. He still didn’t understand, and to be honest neither did I. Yua hated Shinobi. She lived in a Shinobi Village. I did not understand her one bit.

“I’m going to bed,” I said, my expression kept neutral, although I felt sour.

“Oh ok… um Hi-chan?”

“Yeah?” I asked sparing him a glance.

He gave me a smile, a shy one. “Congratulations imouto.”

I gave him a small smile back. His smile was all I needed in the first place. I was a _selfish_ fucker, right? 


	5. Chapter 5

* * *

I take back everything I said about Gaku-sensei not being mean. He was goddamn Satan for all I cared. Now that I didn't have the Academy on, I had about 8 hours of assigned time with Gaku-sensei every goddamn day. The ﬁrst day was gruelling. Going to celebrate and eat dango with the kids was troublesome. I was basically a zombie after what Gaku-demon-sensei put me through. It got so bad that Guy had to hold me up as my soul left my body.

The sweet, sweet taste of dango, and the feel of my legs weightlessly off the ground was a reprieve sent by the gods themselves. Suﬃce to say only Guy was enthused about getting a sensei. Everyone else was freaked the fuck out like they should be.

And so I effortlessly fell into my routine with Gaku and Yama. Outside of training Gaku was actually a very chill, level-headed guy who happened to also have a cheeky side. I got along great with him. It was just meant to be. I'd been waiting to see Kakashi in that time, partially because I wanted to catch up, but mostly because I was worried. Prodigy or not his dad had died committing suicide. That wouldn't be easy on anyone. I'd never lost a parent before and so I didn't know the pain myself, but I imagined it would be a terrible feeling. As much as I disliked Yua, I couldn't imagine her dead. Even the thought of Hanami or Noritaka dead made me sick.

Thankfully the only ninja in my family was me. Hanami was in the hospital safe. There was Gaku, Shikaku and Kakashi out here and I would worry about them. It was inevitable. It wasn't easy to get me attached but once I did, I was going to worry.

"Tiger palm, fire style!"

Baku-sensei's orders brought me to attention. My left foot twisted back, legs shoulder width apart, knees bent, torso twisted forward and palms out, ﬁngers curled forward. The style of taijutsu I had taken to learning was an off-branch Inuzuka style that wasn't kept a Clan secret. Tiger palm, Fire style. The second style was Circle Step, Wind style aerial taijutsu which was apparently common in Wind Country.

I felt like a goddamn Shaolin Monk and I loved it. Tiger palm reminded me of the Kung Fu from back home, heavily reliant on perfecting footing and solely focused on quick strikes to the throat, ribs and various other sensitive places. I got into this style relatively easily. It was like a more aggressive, deadlier version of Kung Fu. Circle Step was inﬁnitely cooler in my opinion, and that was just because I felt like an airbender. Apparently, this was a style from Suna, and I had absolutely no idea how Gaku came upon it, but I wasn't going to complain. It was exactly how Aang fought in Avatar and just seeing the diagrams of the katas on the scroll made me grin like a madman.

The basic idea was merging the two styles. Fire and Wind into something swift, deadly and elusive. I liked it. Also aerial manoeuvres were important to this style due to the very fact that I was currently a shorty. To get to that soft neck muscle I needed to be able to reach it. Thankfully I had impeccable chakra control and so the chakra slide that Gaku taught me for the Circle Step style was mastered quickly. The hard part wasn't getting a quick jump in the air. The hard part was maintaining my control mid-ﬂight.

That's how I found myself twisting my body as quickly as I could while Gaku-sensei threw chakra enhanced pebbles at me. I would jump high at a training dummy which he would stand behind, and I would dodge the pebbles while speeding at the dummy with either a kunai or my tiger palm. It felt like I was reliving my paintball experiences… it wasn’t fun. It left me littered with bruises. A pebble shot into my face and I found myself losing control, spinning aimlessly in the air before hitting the ground painfully.

"Again!"

I picked myself up shakily, wiping the blood from the cut on my face. Kami, the ache felt good. I grinned before going back to the starting line and using the chakra slide on my feet, propelling me in the air again. This time I managed to dodge two pebbles twisting my body in the air. Yes! I was so close to the dummy. I had my palms out ready when suddenly the breath was knocked out of me by a weight to my side. I crashed into the ground with an 'oof' before groaning as the weight plopped down on me.

"Yama?" I groaned.

"Lesson number 3. Always expect the unexpected," Gaku smirked.

"That's sneaky," I muttered before grinning.

"You're the weirdest kid ever. Why are you smiling."

"What, I can't appreciate how sneaky you are?" I asked.

"Well normally kids would complain. Guess I should count myself lucky getting you huh, Little Miss Mature."

"I like to think I'm a _Little Miss Take It In Stride_ ," I shrugged.

"Doesn't have the same ring to it."

"True."

I groaned. It was only really halfway through the day and I still had about 5 more hours to go. 3 weeks of taijutsu training and I'd gotten down all the katas in Tiger Palm, but nothing with Circle Walk yet. I still needed to perfect chakra slide and aerial manoeuvrability before I could even try and do the insane twists and turns in the air that Circle Walk katas demanded.

"You've been practicing outside of our training sessions, haven't you?"

I froze before sending Gaku a guilty look. He just sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose, a tick we had in common. I decided to act like a child for a minute, folding my arms and pouting.

"Oh come on sensei, I had to! I'd suck if I never put the extra effort in and Guy is great to spar against. I beat him a lot now it helps boost my ego," I admitted with a shrug.

"You have no sense of shame do you," he laughed.

"I really don't," I agreed with a shrewd grin.

"Look kiddo, I can't have you overworking your body at this age. It might stunt your growth. You don't want to be a midget, forever do you?"

"I'm not a midget, I'm just 5. I can't help it!" I protested.

"Ok how about this. Limit your personal training time to doing something else. Like studying. You said you wanted to research chakra, right?"

I really, really wanted to just throw myself into research. I was so tempted, but the thought of being sent to war took precedence over my love of science. Understanding the mechanics behind chakra wouldn't help me stay alive out there. I could always work on it once I was capable enough to take care of myself out there. I decided it was unwise to keep these feelings from sensei. He needed to understand me if we were going to do this.

"Sensei," I began carefully, "I train a lot because it's war and I'm new to this. I know because of my inexperience that I'm the most at risk at dying, and I just... wow this is hard to say. I'm not ready to die yet."

His amiable expression turned grim and he nodded. I think he was slightly impressed, at least I hope that was why he was looking at me like that. His hand rested on my head again and he knelt down. It was a little irritating that he was still taller than me kneeling down but at least I didn't have to crane my neck. Yama, sensing Gaku's change in mood, brushed his head against my shoulder.

"You're really mature Hina," he said getting my full attention as he let out a sigh. "If I'm being honest, I'm also worried. When I expected a sole team member, I didn't expect someone who's barely even lived half a decade. You're smart enough to understand me Hina, so I'm going to give it to you straight. Your kind have about a 30% survival rate, and with me being a front-line hitter it's even lower. It's why I'm taking your training very seriously. In saying that, you have to listen to me. When I tell you that extra training is detrimental, it is. If you continue pushing yourself like this, in a week you'll deplete all your chakra reserves and you'll spend 2 weeks on mandatory leave. That will push your training back."

I felt my breath catch. Kami, that was some grim news. Gaku's serious expression lessened and the kindness came back to his eyes.

"So will you listen to your sensei kiddo?"

"I will," I relented with a grimace.

He pat my head, ruﬄing my hair. I grumbled. Kami, it was already a bird’s nest! To make it worse Yama licked the side of my face leaving a large trail of a slobber. I let out a sound of disgust to which Gaku laughed at.

"Troublesome dog," I grumbled.

"Careful, your Nara's coming out," Gaku said in amusement.

Then as if remembering something Gaku pulled out a scroll and went through a few hand signs before unsealing it.

"What's this sensei?" I asked.

"It's chakra paper. I need to test your nature type. I can get you a jutsu to learn and you can spend your personal training time _not_ doing more physical activity."

"Doesn't ninjutsu require chakra too?"

"It does, but you're going to be limited to just practicing moulding the chakra, not expelling it. I expect perfect hand seals by the end of next week kiddo."

"I'll get it done in 3 days," I said assuredly.

"Of course you would," he snorted shaking his head. "Now channel some chakra into this."

I excitedly took the paper and held it in my hand. Kami, I hoped I would be wind natured. It would help so much with my taijutsu style. Gaku sent me an expectant look and Yama yipped in attention too. I felt oddly pressured. I pushed my chakra through, and the paper singed then turned to ash. Ugh ﬁre. I mean at least that would be my second choice. Gaku looked pleased though.

"Don't pout, I know you were expecting wind," he chuckled.

I wanted to be goddamn Avatar Aang! I guess I could settle for Zuko though. The Tiger Palm did kind of remind me of the ﬁrebending style. Before my mind turned to all the pop-culture shows I missed dearly, I snapped my attention back to the matter at hand.

"I was hoping it would help me with Circle Walk," I grumbled.

"This is a good thing kiddo. Fire style is common in well... the land of ﬁre, which we are in. That means you get access to a lot of jutsu and plenty of Shinobi here have this type so you can easily get someone to tutor you. I happen to also be Fire and Earth natured."

"I guess it's ok," I relented.

"This doesn't mean you won't be able to do other elemental manipulation, but it will be harder depending on how attuned to the other elements you are. For example I'm predominantly Earth natured, but Fire is my secondary element. Water jutsu is the impossible for me to learn and Wind is slightly easier to get used to but still quite hard."

"How do you know your secondary aﬃnity?" I asked curiously.

"Well usually a chakra sensor looks through your tenketsu for you for a reading. Most people just go about finding out through trial. It's usually done when you become a Chunin. That’s around the time when Shinobi start looking into nature manipulation."

"Why are we starting early then?" I asked.

"Your chakra control is exceptional. It's probably the only thing you’re a genius at kiddo, everything else is hard work, but your chakra control seems to be something your naturally attuned to. It takes a level of control and yin energy to control nature chakra."

"Huh, I guess being born with an excess of yin energy was actually a blessing," I mumbled with a grin.

Honestly being born with a problem that could kill me was the thing that propelled me into the Shinobi life. I knew then that I had no choice but to be a Shinobi, or I might have just become a mediocre baker or something. I just couldn't imagine myself baking. It was the unfortunate reality that if I had not shown an exceptional quality for a Shinobi to have, I would have been stuck with only the minimal of education, slotted into a life as a baker because it was impossible for a child of my standing to get any form of higher education. Really being a Shinobi was the only route. It started off as a way to not die by the age of ﬁve, then turned into a happy side accident so I could get higher clearance for research papers, and then turned into necessity for survival once the war hit.

"What's got you in thought kiddo?"

"I guess... I was just reminding myself why I'm doing this," I said, brows creasing into a frown. "Everything feels kind of urgent these days."

"Yeah, it is. Don't worry I'll make sure you're ready, and you're a strong kid. I'm sure you'll become great."

"Thanks Gaku-sensei. You know I'm really glad I got you," I grinned.

"You won't be tomorrow," he chuckled.

I tilted my head in confusion. "Tomorrow's Sunday?" We didn't train on Sunday's. Sunday was visiting Hanami day, eating dango with sensei day and visiting Guy and Dai day.

"I've signed you up for D ranks," he grinned evilly.

"Oh, that means money, right?" I asked in sudden excitement.

Gaku just smirked. I suddenly remembered how annoyed Naruto was during the early days when he was forced to do them. I guess maybe he was expecting me to quickly grow tired of them.

"Ok kiddo, we're going down to training ground 3."

"Why, are we doing something new?" I asked.

"I was planning to get you started on ninjutsu later but since you're ﬁre nature I thought it was time for a demonstration."

"That's awesome!"

I jumped onto Yama's back and we made our way to the bigger ﬁeld that training ground 3 provided. We passed the clearing when I noticed a familiar ﬁgure and my smile brightened.

"Kakashi!"

Said boy turned around and looked at me with mild shock before his eyes fell onto my hitaite. The man next to him, I suddenly realised, was the Namikaze Minato! Oh my god I was in the presence of a goddamn legend in the making. He looked, well to put it mildly, _super-hot_. His oval face was stupidly symmetrical, his blue eyes were crystal clear, and his yellow hair framed his face perfectly. A perfect mix of a bishounen hottie and a _man_ to the boot. I had to stop myself from drooling for a minute.

"Hina," Kakashi greeted in his usual lackadaisical way.

"You know her, Kakashi-kun?" Minato asked as I jumped off Yama.

"She was in the Academy with me. I didn't know you graduated," Kakashi said.

I frowned. His eyes were darker, his body language less open. He looked... well he looked _different_. It had been a long time since we'd seen each other, and it wasn't like I hadn't tried visiting his old house. He wasn't there anymore. His father who was shamed by the Village had killed himself, and Kakashi didn't look like he had taken that well.

"I graduated 2 weeks ago," I put in. "This is my sensei, Gaku-san."

"Nice to meet you," he supplied with a grin.

Minato and Gaku shook hands amiably. They were apparently both really chill dudes, so they took it in stride.

"I didn't want to intrude on your training, but seeing as our little brats know each other, how about a spar?" Gaku asked with a curious glint in his eyes.

Minato smiled back brightly too. "I like the way you think Gaku-san."

"What are the rules?" I asked, a grin of my own coming up.

Kakashi just sighed, giving his sensei a glare. I was competitive as fuck so good luck backing out now Kakashi!

"Anything goes. A kill strike or a surrender ends the match."

By kill strike I knew Gaku-sensei meant a feint, but it still sent a chill of excitement down my spine. Kami, was I fucked up or what? The idea of sparring just was a massive turn on at this stage, especially with someone my age, so I wasn't facing off against an impossible to win against Jounin.

"Ready?" Minato asked, as we took our positions away from each other.

We took a moment to bow, hands out in the sign of reconciliation before Gaku set us on each other. Kakashi didn't waste a moment to throw his shuriken at me. I used my chakra slide to thrust myself to the left, knowing he favoured his right side. He was caught momentarily off guard by my sudden speed, or was it the grin that was plastered on my face? Either way his moment of hesitation let me chakra slide to his direction. He threw two kunai at me which I barely managed to dodge. I spun in the air; Tiger Palm ready as I jabbed at his neck. He dodged easily, spinning my hands away with his before we got into a hand ﬁght. Every hit he put out I blocked and every hit I threw he parried with ease throwing me off balance. He was good. 

"Lighting Style Lighting Release: Dengan no Jutsu!"

Oh shit. I barely managed to escape the 10-meter radius of the chaotic lightning bolts by using chakra slide to throw myself back. Kakashi didn't relent though, using my distraction to his advantage by using kawarimi of all things to switch with a kunai he had previous thrown. I grinned switching myself behind him before he got the drop on me. He spun quickly but I cut through him. Huh he didn't block. I was afraid for a second, I had killed my friend when he disappeared in a puff of smoke and I felt a blade on my neck. I looked behind and put my hands up in surrender, Kakashi pulled the kunai away from my throat and we both bowed to each other.

"That. Was. Awesome!"

A rather quick fight, but still awesome.

"Of course you'd be excited," he said with a hint of exasperated amusement.

"That was a spectacular match. Excellent job Hina-chan, and congratulations Kakashi-kun," Minato said ruﬄing Kakashi's hair. It just sprung back up in its usual gravity defying position. How unfair! Why did his hair get to look normal when mine looked like a bird’s nest?!

"I expect a win next time kiddo," Gaku chided although his voice was light and not scolding at all.

"Of course! There's no way I wouldn't improve. Soon I'll be whipping his ass," I said confidently.

"Of course you will," Kakashi said sarcastically, rolling his eyes in disbelief.

Minato had an odd look on his face at our banter. He was probably scheming silently like the good ninja he was. Did I mention that he was stupidly _hot_?

"Well, we can leave you to your training," Gaku said.

"No, that's ok. In fact why don't we train together today?" Minato asked.

"I wouldn't mind that. I was just about to show my brat some ﬁre jutsu."

"You don't already know any elemental jutsu?" Kakashi snorted, as if he was unimpressed.

Well look who went and grew an ego. I snorted rolling my eyes. "Actually I'm aiming to be a taijutsu specialist, so we we’re sticking to that for a while, but I'm sure I'll get down elemental jutsu quickly."

"You sure are conﬁdent Hina-chan," Minato smiled, a _very_ charming smile.

"You bet she is, and a hard worker to the boot," Gaku said proudly, going into his dad mode.

"Yup, not everyone here has Kakashi's unfair natural talent," I said poking my friend on his shoulder.

He shot me a look saying he didn't quite believe I wasn't on his level. I snorted. I was a reincarnated adult, so it was a little disheartening that a kid was stronger than me, but I wasn't going to take it to heart. Comparing yourself to the outlier wasn't going to help.

So that's how Minato and Gaku started showing us up with their A rank jutsu. Kakashi was taught another jutsu and I was put to chakra moulding practices, using leaves of all things again. I was trying to burn it as slowly as I could to gain some control over it. Oddly enough sitting down and concentrating for hours was just as tiring as running laps around Konoha on just your hands.

"Hey Kakashi?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you doing ok?"

He gave me an odd look and shrugged. I sighed. Talking to people and doing heart to hearts weren't my thing. I vaguely knew it was pathetic of me to not push this issue and make sure he had someone to lean on right now, but I was—well I wasn’t the best person to come to with serious issues. I’d probably mess it up more.

"Well everyone’s been worried about you," I said, even though really, I wanted to say _I've been worried about you_.

"Hn, they don't need to be. I'm doing ﬁne."

"Yeah, I guess you are. You got a cool sensei," I said idly, changing the subject in the least awkward way I could think of as I continued my exercise. "Not as cool as mine though."

He snorted at that. "Minato-sensei is way cooler than yours."

I snorted back. So he could be a little brat huh?

"Well we can agree to disagree."

Then the day ended, and I said bye to the blond man and his angsty little student. I sent Kakashi one last worried look but decided against pressing him to make sure he was ok. Gaku pulled me away from my stupor and Yama let me ride on his back again as we made our way back to the Village.

"Take care kiddo, and remember no training, just practice your hand signs," Gaku said handing me a few scrolls.

"Ok," I relented.

Yama licked my face before barking a goodbye and following after his partner. I wiped the slobber of with a smile and then walked back into the civilian district. Having become a usual face there, people thought I was odd, and for a Shinobi I still was, but for them I was baﬄing. I entered the Bakery and greeted Taichi as usual who was usually shutting down the store around this time.

Hopefully tomorrow's D rank would be a good start to becoming ﬁnancially stable. And with that uplifting thought I got myself ready for bath time.

* * *

Huh, gardening was a surprisingly calm and very nice D rank mission. Of course I ﬁgured maintaining the training grounds had to be someone's job, so it made sense to shirk it off to Genins. It was hard work of course, and I could do with teammates to keep me company, but it was a good challenge to get it done on my own... that was until another Genin team came. They were a bunch of 11-year-olds who looked like they could barely tolerate each other. Their sensei, who looked like an Aburame, was having a nice chat with Gaku, ignoring his squabbling children. Ugh, not even a modicum of professionalism. This was a job, not playtime, and so I continued doing my work diligently and silently.

"How'd a baby like you become a Genin anyway?"

I looked up to the Uchiha boy in their team. He was snooty like the rest of his clan. Obito was the only outlier I had met so far. I pulled out a weed with a lot more intensity than usual before sending him an irritated look.

"How about doing your mission instead of chatting?" I asked.

"Don't talk to Katsuo-kun like that!" a female teammate shouted at me.

"Troublesome," I muttered, going back to my work.

"Tsk," the Uchiha grumbled before going to do his work.

His fangirl sent me a glare for the rest of the mission. God their team dynamic reminded me of team seven to a fault. Also something about Uchiha's rubbed me the wrong way. Was it the attitude or just the fact that they attracted irritating fangirls? This was work, not the goddamn playground.

Their presence made the D rank suddenly go from therapeutic to migraine inducing. It didn't help that the civilian boy from their team kept talking non-stop. I agreed with the Uchiha for once when he got the kid to shut up. To get out of this torture quickly I began my work using chakra to make my movements quicker.

"Gaku-sensei, I'm done," I said wiping the sweat of my face.

"I can see that you're already eager to be done with D ranks, eh?" Gaku chuckled.

I shrugged. I didn't mind D ranks. I just wanted nothing to do with the team that was here, but it would probably be rude to say that in front of them and their sensei. Thankfully we didn't have to stay for much longer. We went back to the Hokage's oﬃce and dropped our ﬁnished mission scroll down with one of his many assistants.

"Gaku-sensei, this isn't the usual route we take? Are we going somewhere?" I asked.

"Yeah, my wife wanted to meet you," he said surprising me.

I never really asked about family. I mean I knew he was an Inuzuka, and there was a war going on, so I had no idea if he had lost someone or if family was a sour spot for him. I liked avoiding emotionally vulnerable moments like the plague, so I didn't ask despite being curious. It helped that he never asked about my family either.

"You talk about me a lot sensei?" I opted to ask cheekily.

"I talk about a lot of things," he said roughly. Yama barked at him playfully and he turned red slightly, scratching his nose. "Ugh ﬁne, I do kind of talk about her don't I? Can you blame me, she's my ﬁrst student."

I chuckled. It was always a sight to see when the man and his dog talked to each other. I was a 100% certain now that dogs had their own language. It was either that or Gaku was just so in tune with his partner that he understood him on an instinctual level. I liked to think that dogs had a language. Yup, that just seemed like a more fun head canon.

The Inuzuka Compound smelt of dogs. The chakra here was wild and wonderful and the architecture despite being traditional like the rest of the Clan Compounds, had a lot of integrated technology. It was interesting to see how the power lines cluttered this area far more than it did the Nara Compound. The place was full of life though, with Inuzuka bounding around with their canine companions and several families with outside Clan members. It seemed the Inuzuka wasn't as stringent on marrying within the Clan and was happy for outsiders to be married in. It was kind of like the Nara Clan in that regard. Maybe it was just the doujutsu holders that married in their own circles. Blood purity and all that.

We reached the inner compound, Gaku getting a few 'hellos' from everyone, and a few Inuzuka's introducing themselves to me, before we reached his house. It was bigger than mine for sure and much nicer. I entered the home to see age old scratch marks on the wooden beams. Then all of a sudden, a dozen large dogs pounced on me, all tongues out and tails wagging as I was literally dog piled on. Being used to this treatment, I let out a few chuckles pushing the dogs away from licking my face as I stood back up. I noticed a woman walk by, dark hair, spiky with pale skin and dark chocolate eyes. A Nara? Huh, could Clans marry within each other?

"Oh your student's so cute!"

I was surprised when the woman picked me up and squeezed me in a tight hug. I felt the breath leave my body as I turned blue.

"Umm Nami, I don't think she's meant to be that colour," Gaku said worriedly.

"Oh, I'm so sorry dear. You see I was so excited to hear that my husband ﬁnally got a student, especially one as cute as you," she said pinching my cheeks.

"I-I'm not _cute_ ," I stuttered, cheeks red with embarrassment.

Nami just squealed before hugging me again. I gave Gaku-sensei a look that begged for him to save me. He cleared his throat like the good sensei he was, and distracted Nami enough to let me go.

"Oh my bad, did you want anything Hina-chan?"

"Um... milk?"

What I really wanted was some scotch on the rocks, but I wasn't so sure she had any, or if she would offer it to a 5-year-old. She nodded happily before rushing away. That's when Gaku introduced me to all the dogs. Apparently, these were all Yama's pups. Since there was about 6 of them, I couldn't even begin to remember all their names. They had the same golden-brown fur coat as Yama did, except with brown or white patches in odd places. They all had that same Inuzuka breed look, with the long furry coat that ended in spikes but was actually soft to the touch. And by kami, they had the biggest cutest brown eyes.

I loved them all so much, but I didn't think I'd ever want to take one to battle. I just couldn't imagine myself rushing into enemy lines with my dog besides me. I would probably be too protective of it and get myself distracted, because dogs were simply amazing.

I walked past a room with a crib inside and was about to ask if Nami was pregnant when I noticed her incredibly ﬂat stomach. Not even a bump... I was so glad I didn't ask. It dawned on me that maybe they had somehow lost a child, and I didn't even want to ask how. Unfortunately Gaku sensei caught my look and probably ﬁgured out what I concluded on. Thankfully he didn't touch on the topic, instead he moved to raiding the kitchen for cookies.

I dunked said cookies in my milk and remembered just how tasty sweets were. In war time sweets and frivolities like this were expensive. Only the rich, or Shinobi who went often on missions really could afford them.

Nami struck up conversation and I kept it going, enjoying the way they didn't hold back or dumb things down for me. Honestly adult company was the best. I loved Guy, and I did enjoy chatting with the other kids and Kakashi too, but I was an adult and children were fundamentally different socially, prodigy or not.

It was only when I started helping around the house, moving the plates into the sink and helping Nami and Gaku cut up the vegetables that I realised I had seamlessly inserted myself into their family dynamic. It caught me off guard. I did this at home too, but there was always a level of tip toeing around chatter, trying to ignore this invisible barrier between me and my family, and in general walking around on eggshells that I did. It was weird how easily I ﬁt into this equation with Gaku and Nami, the same way I ﬁt in with Hanami and Shikaku.

It was only when I realised that we were cooking ramen that I paled. I looked at the buk-choi with a glare and put it away.

"Can we make something other than ramen?" I asked.

"You don't like ramen Hina-chan?" Nami asked.

I shook my head with a grimace. It brought back memories of my embarrassing death, which in turn reminded me of the life I left behind, and then to my parents I didn't say goodbye to, who with every day was beginning to become a distant memory, a concept rather than a person. Yeah safe to say I had a phobia of ramen, especially one with vegetables in it.

"That's ok, we can make something else," Nami said dismissively.

"Thanks," I replied with a genuinely relieved look. Gaku quirked a brow at me and I shrugged.

Then after feeding the dogs we all sat down at the table for lunch. I dug into the food hungrily, a little excited at how big this serving was. I normally got a much smaller serving. It barely got me through the day and hunger had become an afterthought. I didn't complain though. It was the same size serving that Taichi and my parents got. It was what we could afford.

"Oh dear, your skin and bones. Honey, put some more meat in her plate."

Gaku didn't complain as he scooped in more of the curry onto my plate which I ate with a smile.

"So Hina-chan, what do you do as a hobby?" Nami asked.

"I um... I like to run and train."

"Training isn't a hobby dear," Nami chuckled.

"Oh, I guess not. I like playing Shoji, I guess, and I like anything that makes me think a lot, like sudoku or word puzzles but I really do enjoy running and training," I said with a smile. "Actually it’s not that I like it but more that I love the feeling of accomplishing something after a lot of hard work."

"Oh my gosh, Gaku you scored yourself the most precious Genin ever!"

I ducked my head blushing. Oh Kami, adults could be so embarrassing to children. I couldn't imagine anyone saying this to me if I was older. I just focused on my curry as Gaku laughed. It was embarrassing but it oddly made me feel warm and happy. Stupid baby emotions. Despite my internal grumbling I was smiling. I decided, I really liked Nami.

* * *


	6. Chapter 6

It was Guy's birthday. I looked at my present hoping it was good. I saved up 3 weeks’ worth of D ranks for it. Chakra knuckle bracers. It was silver and made of hardy chakra enhanced steel. I could just imagine Guy punching someone's sword and shattering it with this. Ahh, that was an epic thought. I had wrapped it up in green paper with a pretty red bow. It kind of felt more like Christmas than it did a birthday gift... if the gifts wrapping looked like a mangled mess. Yeah, I wasn't the best at wrapping presents.

I'd never really gone to Guy's house before. Kurenai and Asuma had agreed to come too. They were friends with Guy but wasn't as close, so I was the one to organise the whole thing. We met up at a park and I noticed, with some distress, that their wrapping looked immaculate. How did a bunch of five-year-old’s beat me?

"Ready?" I asked.

"I'm actually kind of scared," Asuma grunted, to which Kurenai nodded fervently.

I wasn't going to blame them. Guy's dad was... well he was Guy but turned up a notch by like a 100%. Constantly screaming, constantly enthusiastic. Everyone knew him as the Eternal Genin, but he didn't let it get to him. The power of YOUTH or whatever was on his side. I was beginning to wonder if it was actually a universal force or something because it was an insane motivator.

"WELCOME YOUNG FLOWERS OF YOUTH. TODAY WILL BE THE MOST WONDERFUL DAY IN HISTORY. I THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART FOR DOING SOMETHING SO YOUTHFUL!"

I winced at the sound and so did my two friends, but we plastered on a smile because Dai was actually a very caring man behind the volume. He excitedly invited us into his apartment, which I noticed had privacy seals all over. I had to hold back a short. Dai probably had those up there because of noise complaints and not actually because he wanted to hide something.

"So the game plan is decorating the living room which is good because we can hang the sign up between these beams," I said setting out the game plan.

"MY SON WILL BE HERE AT 7PM SHARP FROM HIS TRAINING!"

"Thanks," I mumbled, holding my left ear in pain.

Then we got about decorating the place with green balloons before hanging up the HAPPY BIRTHDAY sign. Dai brought out a cake in the shape of a ﬁst which he surprisingly baked himself. So he was a man of many talents, huh. Then we held out our streamers waiting behind the couch.

It was at 7 sharp, that the door opened. If Guy was anything, he was a man of punctuality. He walked in and heaved what was to be a sad sigh when we all jumped out.

"Surprise!"

Colourful streamers shot at his face and Guy just stood there, eyes wide in absolute shock, before it turned into the cutest grin ever. My heart did not melt! It did not! He started crying as he took Asuma, Kurenai and myself in a big hug before father and son hugged it out with a whole sunshine genjutsu and everything... that was a genjutsu right? _Right???_

"I'm so happy! I thought everyone forgot about my birthday today," Guy said with a sniﬄe. "I should not have doubted you! Yosh! I will do 50 laps around Konoha as recompense!"

"Guy!" I said jumping to throw him back on the couch. "We can't have you running away on your own birthday party, can we?" I asked.

"Yeah and running 50 laps around Konoha seems over the top," Asuma snorted.

"That too," Kurenai laughed. "Also we got you presents Guy-kun, and we don't want you to leave without opening them!"

"Guys!" he cried, getting emotional.

We all did an awkward group hug before we continued on the party. It was fun, just relaxing, not worrying about training or ninja or death in any way shape or form. I joined in on the stupid games the kids were playing, and I was _happy_ , because these kids were just being kids. It was innocent and wholesome and something I needed a reminder of because I'd been so focused on all the bad, I didn't remember the good. This is what we were ﬁghting for. These little moments of joy, of visiting Hanami, of eating Takoyaki with sensei and Nami, and playing in abandon with my friends. I laughed, a rare laugh that sounded so childish even to my ears, and for once I didn't care.

* * *

It had been 2 months. The training period was over. I'd managed to get down Tiger Palm and the aerial manoeuvres I needed to begin learning the Circle Walk style. I didn't actually master Circle Walk through, which was a rather sour point of the whole experience. I did however learn two D rank and one C rank ﬁre jutsu. All in all, it was a productive 2 months.

I got out of my stupidly pink bed pretty quickly this morning. I knew what was coming. I couldn't even sleep. Today was the day I was going to be assigned my ﬁrst real mission with Gaku-sensei. My stomach did a ﬂip, and I couldn't ﬁgure out if it was from excitement or distress. Either way I had packed already with sensei. He had lent me a sealing scroll which was stupidly useful and meant I didn't have to carry around my clothes.

Speaking of clothes, I managed to get my ﬁrst ﬁeld Shinobi gear. The war meant style wasn't really something one could afford unless it was there for a reason. No one was going to tell and Aburame that they couldn't still wear shades and their specialised clothes, because it was made for a purpose. Everyone else though, even the Genin, were expected to wear a sort of customised uniform. I didn't mind. I only owned clothes in the same exact style because it wasn't just fashion, it was my uniform and I was going to present myself a certain way.

My new uniform was a black sleeved haori over a wiry mesh shirt. The haori ended at my knees, with a kimono shirt pulled together at the middle with elastic, so it sat snugly at my waist. I had ﬁngerless Konoha standard green gloves and khaki sweatpants that were tied together at the bottom with bandages, and Konoha standard sandals, with the minor fact that I got mine closed and steel tipped because no way in hell was I ever wearing open toed shoes. Not even this world could force me.

All in all, with my bag pack and large scroll, and the many, _many_ hidden knives and shuriken in my body, I looked like a mini Shinobi. I ﬁxed my hitaite on my forehead and tied up what little hair I had at the base of my head. I looked _green_. God everything about me was green. My eyes, my hair, my clothes. I should probably add in some brown, so I could blend in more...

"Ugh, Hina you need to get a hold of yourself. You’re a front line ﬁghter, not a stealth nin. You might be a midget in appearance but you’re an adult at heart so get your shit together. Your family is going to get some much needed ﬁnancial support and they might not need to starve so much, and you... you are not going to die. If you die... you're probably going to reincarnated somewhere more ridiculous like Attack on Titan or Tron, and then you'll deﬁnitely be screwed. So get your shit together. Say goodbye to Taichi, put on a brave face for your parents and go out there and do your duty. Once this wars over you can relax... not now."

I slapped my cheeks, hating how much like a baby I looked on this tiny body with my too big bag. I narrowed my eyes and nodded. Baby body or not, I was going to war. It was frightening, but I couldn't let this sudden fear take over me. It was my _profession,_ I reminded myself. I never failed at my duty, and as far as I was concerned that may as well have been my nindo.

I walked out of my room and paused at the kitchen. Mom and dad turned to me, looking wholly pale at my appearance. They knew... I had told them. It didn't go down well. Yua began to pretend I didn't exist. I was afraid she would do it today too.

"Hi-chan, are you going?" Taichi asked, tears glistening around his eyes. It looked like he had been crying.

"Yes niisan," I said nodding.

"I don't want you to go," Taichi said sadly.

"Taichi, come here," Yua said, gesturing the boy into her arms.

Dad knelt down in front of me, his eyes glistening with tears. He looked like he wanted to say something, but he didn't. He hugged me instead and I returned it. He was trembling.

"I'm so sorry Hina," he whispered. "I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you."

Kami, when he said it like that, it almost seemed like he was expecting me back in a body bag. I shut my eyes tightly. It could be... it very well could be. No matter how much I told myself I would not let myself die, I did not know for certain if I could keep that promise to myself.

Dad pulled away and I turned to my mom. She wasn't even looking me in the eye. I felt a sting of hurt at that. Seriously? She wasn't even going to say anything to her own kid who was going out to war? I twisted my heels and walked quickly to the door. I didn't want to be near her, or even think about her right now. It was stupid how much it hurt. I moved to the door and was surprised to feel Gaku's chakra outside my door.

"Gaku-sensei," I exclaimed, as I opened the door.

"Hey there kiddo," he said with his classical toothy grin.

"I thought we were meeting up at the mission’s desk."

"Change of plans. I wanted to take you there myself."

I was about to ask why when my dad came by the door. I noticed both him and Gaku-sensei were around the same height. Damn me and ﬁnding myself under giant 7-foot men. Dad looked so serious and suddenly Gaku-sensei did too.

"Please bring my daughter back home."

Dad bowed low and I jumped back in shock. Sensei however just did a solid nod.

"I will protect her with my life if I have to," he said gravely.

"Urk. Eww guys don't get all emotional. You're ruining the mood," I grunted, crossing my arms, hoping to break this awkward seriousness with some awkward levity.

Dad's chuckle was strained. He ruﬄed my hair with a sad 'come back soon' before we left. I could hear Taichi crying. Damn did I make my brother cry. I grimaced. I was doing this for them after all.

LINE BREAK

I thought I'd meet the Hokage at least once for mission assigning, but it was war time and the man probably had a pile load of more important things to do. Instead a Chunin administrator handed out mission assignments. Hearing it read out made me feel dizzy.

"You will be stationed at border post 9 for 3 months. Meet at East gate 7 for your team lead."

I stood at attention and Gaku-sensei accepted a scroll. He opened it and nodded; his expression schooled.

"3 months," I said in disbelief the moment we walked out.

"It's a slightly longer than average post," Sensei agreed. "Don't worry though, I've looked at the map he gave me. Border post 9 isn't close to either Kumo or Iwa's borders. We're stationed outside of Kawa's borders."

The River land, bordering Konoha and Suna. I remembered it vividly from my studies. Konoha was unfortunately situated in the middle of two superpowers on either end: Kumo to the right and Iwa to the left. We were going South-East, which despite how sensei worded it, was still pretty close to Iwa, all things considered.

We travelled silently as we reached East Gate 7. A Genin team, about 5 Chunin and 2 Jounin were waiting there. Everyone was talking to the people they knew. I looked at the Genin team, wondering if I knew any of them. There was a quite young (possibly only two or three years older than me) Uchiha with a chest guard, a boy who was coughing and a girl who looked rather normal with long purple hair and a katana strapped to her back.

I had no clue if they were canon story characters or not, and these days I didn't bother to check. This wasn't a story anymore. These were people with real lives, and I had no idea how I would effect this world, if it was going to stay exactly like the story I had read as a child, or if it was something entirely different. Already I had met dozens upon dozens of people who weren't mentioned in the manga Naruto, and all of them had their own lives, family’s troubles, and joys. This wasn't just a story anymore. I had thrown aside that notion after just a year living in this world.

"Ok listen up everyone. Border Post 9, is about a 5-day journey from here. We will travel 3 hours at a time with 30-minute intervals for break and set camp at 9. I will give out further orders then. Everybody ready?"

"Hai!"

After everyone chorused in agreement, we all took out. The lead Jounin didn't even bother to introduce himself. He looked like a Hyuga though, so it made sense he stood front centre of the group. Contrary to how I imagined ninja travel, we actually stuck to a relatively normal (for a ninja) running pace. The idea apparently was to use only about 10 percent of an average Chunins chakra. It was the safest form of travel. We could have gone faster but getting down even to 50% chakra levels was dangerous and could mean your life. I knew this of course, but I thought with a war going on that they'd rush us.

Being a ﬁtness junkie, and more than slightly addicted to running (which was only aggravated by Guy), I found the pace slightly strenuous but not unbearable. I couldn't say the same for the poor Genin behind me. They were sweating already, their breaths laboured when we made it to camp.

Then the lead Jounin called out orders. Gaku-sensei and I were assigned to set up camp, while the Chunin set up traps and the Genin team took watch. It was all a silent affair. This was a mission and in this time of war, it was dangerous to be loud outside of Konoha's walls. We did however talk silently between ourselves about the work we were doing and thoughts on the mission. It was hushed and quiet and I stuck to talking to sensei and patting Yama, then to strike up a conversation with anyone else.

"Hey kiddo, do you think you can do this?" Sensei asked.

"Of course sensei," I said without missing a beat.

"Good, keep this conviction out there and stop looking so jittery."

"That easy to tell huh?" I asked as I lay down on my roll.

"Don't get me wrong, it's always good to be paranoid and alive, but you have a habit of tapping your thighs when you're stressed. Anyone can tell."

"Oh, I—I will ﬁx that," I said softly.

"Go to sleep kiddo. Trust me, if anyone comes, I'll know."

I was actually relieved to be in sensei's tent. With the big man next to me in his own roll and Yama on my other side, I felt a modicum of protection and it was nice. When I closed my eyes, I was surprised I slept.

* * *

"Baby, come down here! Jo!"

"Ugh, I'm up, I'm up," I grumbled.

The sheets were so soft. Silk? I pushed the cloth with my hand, dragging it across the bed in fascination, turning my head to the brilliant beam of light cracking out from my venetian blinds. I turned to my room, modern and rustic, wide open space, brick wall at the end and dozens of potted plants hanging from the ceiling. _So familiar_.

"Jo!"

I snapped my attention to the woman in front of me. Blonde hair draped down her shoulders as she smiled her beautiful smile, her body moving with feline like grace as she crawled towards me in bed. _Dancer_. I let out a pleased sound when her lips met mine. _Catherine._

"Cat," I whispered, ecstatic at her appearance.

"You sound excited today. What's the good news?"

"I don't know," I said truthfully, because I really didn't know why she made me so happy. I wrapped my arms around her neck and pulled her closer. She went for a kiss again, playful as she was, but I just put my forehead against hers, closing my eyes and breathing in her scent. She smelt like chalk, the ocean and salt. I nearly cried at the scent.

"I don't know what's gotten into you Jo, but I like it."

Why had I forgotten her? How could I have forgotten her? Cat was my everything. She was my... my _wife_? Had I forgotten my wife? With that horrifying thought I helped her out of the bed, and we set about making it together.

"So the next performance is in about 2 days and Madam Cancienne has us all busting our asses," she grumbled.

"I know, the blisters on your toes was worse than usual," I said angrily.

_How did I know that?_

Then we went to the kitchen for breakfast and I began cooking, navigating this foreign, yet familiar place with ease. I began making some poached eggs on toast with avocado. _Eggs Bene_ dict. Why thanks memories for supplying all these random names. Apparently, I was a good cook because it looked restaurant level.

"What would I do without you," Cat grinned as she took her breakfast.

"Eat cereal," I supplied dryly.

She nudged me with a giggle. "You know what I mean. Oh by the way, how's your project going?"

"Mark’s a piece of shit, but we've managed to separate the DNA structure of the bacteria. I was telling the project head that really this batch of bacterial strain effects all the individuals separately you know, and just going about a cure in a one size ﬁts all kind of way won't work. Unfortunately, we're providing to the masses. It's just so frustrating the RNA should— I'm ranting, aren't I?"

Cat nodded good naturedly. I frowned. Mark, Kane, and Maria came to mind. Co-workers, that I, for some reason had completely forgotten. Did I— did I even remember my parents? I realised with a cold dread that I didn't. I wanted to grab Cat, I wanted to hold her hands and never let her go, to let myself be buried in her embrace forever. _My wife._

The door opened and I turned to see Cat jump up happily. A couple walked in, in their 60's. The woman was clearly of Indian origin, with long curly black hair and wearing a dark blue churidar and the man was Greek, wearing a casual business suit. I blinked back tears. My parents. Kami- No _God_ , that's what they looked like. I ran up to them and hugged them.

"Wow, darling take it easy there. Old bones," dad laughed as I tackled him.

I ignored him and tackled mom next breathing in their scents, memorizing the sound of their laughs and the feel of their skin against mine. How could I have forgotten? I looked around and realised someone was missing.

“Where’s Josh?” I asked.

Mom paused, looking stricken for a second. “Joanne, he’s dead.”

Oh. He was, wasn’t he. I could feel the pain, but I couldn’t remember why. I wondered how he died. It felt important, monumental in fact, but the sharp pain that came from trying to remember made me stop it altogether. Then it came to me—

_Hina Suzuki_

Right... this wasn't real. I wanted to cry at the thought. This wasn't real. Cat wasn't really here, I wasn't really talking to my parents, and I hadn't gone to work at the lab yesterday. I had gone to war. This was a memory, a memory that played out somewhat similar to the day I died. Today afternoon I would make that godforsaken bowl of ramen I was meaning to try cooking, and my life would go down the drain _choking_ on a _vegetable_. All those years of slaving away studying, building up these relationships, accumulating a good amount of wealth to send the most important person in my life to dance school... and I had died in the most indignantly infuriating way. I wanted to cry and scream and protest against the universal powers at play, but I just felt a hopelessness settle in my chest.

In the end we live and die, whether it be from choking on food, or from getting stabbed in war... we die. We would leave behind these people that we loved. The scariest thing wasn't even death. I realised I wasn't afraid of death. I was afraid of forgetting those I had left. My parents, who had just become fuzzy faces and vague traits, I could suddenly remember in clarity. My _wife_ who I had forgotten entirely, was almost instantly so easy to recognise. My cousin— Josh that I don’t even remember _dying_.

I had people now who needed me... Taichi, Yua, Noritaka, Hanami, Kakashi, Guy Nami and Gaku-sensei. These were all people who were ﬁghting or going to be ﬁghting life threatening battles in the future. I needed to go back to them, back to the people who needed me now.

"Cat, I-I love you."

"I know, Jo. You've always taken up responsibilities that weigh heavy on your shoulders."

"I do it for myself," I replied, looking away in shame.

"You do it for love. Maybe love is selﬁsh, but I wouldn't fault you for loving. We have it together here. You need to move on."

"I have... it was painfully easy when I forgot you," I said shamefully.

"You haven't forgotten us dear," mom said giving me a hug. "If you did forget, why would you dream of us?"

"You compartmentalized your feelings Joanne, you pushed them to the side because that's the person you are. You don't wallow on past mistakes, you strive for the future," dad said proudly.

I felt my breath hitch and mom put her hands on my shoulders, her deep brown eyes looking kindly into my own. I held her shoulders and bit back a sob. I _missed_ them so much. How could I forget? How could they just become nothing but a distorted memory? I didn’t want to forget when I woke up.

“Joanne, you need to breathe,” mom said softly.

“Bre-breathing brings the strength to our soul,” I hiccupped. It was a phrase mom always used to say to me as a child. I had no idea what it meant, but I listened, and _breathed_ and somehow my head cleared. I hugged her before turning to my dad and hugging him too.

I turned to Cat, feeling my consciousness pulling at the edges of my head. I turned to her quickly, memorizing her beautiful face her high cheek bones, those mesmerizing blue eyes and I kissed her, this time on her lips, eyes closing tightly to stave off the tears as I hugged her tightly. I never wanted to let go. This painful feeling blossomed in my chest and I knew what it was, and I wanted to say it before I never could again.

"Cat I-"

"You don't have to say it," Cat said softly.

_SNAP_

"-I love you!"

I realised I had said that aloud my body jerking up, arms reaching out to grab the person in front of me. I blinked and realised that I wasn't in my dream anymore. My hands were small, and calloused, not long, slender, and manicured. That's when I looked up to see Gaku-sensei giving me a quizzical look. I froze in shock and felt my face heating up red at the realisation of what I said.

"Didn't know you had a crush on me Hina-chan," he giggled teasingly.

"I-I... I don't! It was just a dream," I said in rising embarrassment.

"You were dreaming about me? Kiddo you're way too young to be going through puberty."

I spluttered, unable to ﬁnd the words. Then I realised that this fucker was messing with me. Kami, how had I fallen for that? I groaned, putting my head in my hands, wishing to curl up and turn invisible.

"It wasn't you!" I groaned out, just to make sure he knew it wasn't him.

"Sure kiddo,” he smirked evilly, “now pack up. We're leaving in 10."

I nodded, glad to be rid of this embarrassing situation. The group quickly began dismantling the camp and the Uchiha boy from before waved at me. I waved back because there was no use in being rude. He looked to be about 7 or 8, so a fresh Genin, and young to the boot.

“Hey, the name’s Uchiha Shisui,” he said with a simultaneously cool and chipper voice. Ugh, no wonder everyone swooned over the Uchiha. They looked undeniably cool, collected and pretty at the same time. _Unfair._ Something about the name felt familiar though, like he was part of the story I had read so long ago. I decided to put it away. I had no idea if this world was the same as the story or if it was different in other ways. I would look out for Obito in the future because Kanabi rung out in my memory like alarm bells, but it wasn’t as if I remembered anything else of importance to change. Most of Naruto took place after the war anyway. I needed to focus on the now.

“Suzuki Hina,” I finally replied with a pensive nod.

“You’re pretty young,” he noted.

“You are too,” I shrugged.

He nodded and looked like he was going to continue the conversation when the Hyuga team lead called everyone into attention. We finished packing with haste before we took off again and the silence continued. This was going to be a boring 5 days.

* * *

I was utterly exhausted by the 4th day, and by the 5th I was just glad to be at the outpost. It was a quickly established post, with a basic wooden structure and housing about 50 or so Shinobi. They all looked exhausted. I figured they’d been given the unfortunate task of having to construct the outpost in the first place. It couldn’t have been easy juggling that and the other duties around.

“Ok listen up, just because we’re away from the primary areas of attack, doesn’t mean we won’t be. Everyone here will ensure that the border post construction is complete! I expect the tasks to be done on time.”

The man who had spoken, no doubt the Jounin commander posted here, looked absolutely done. His voice was an uncaring monotone and he wasn’t even looking at us. It was actually kind of funny how his strict words contrasted with his blasé attitude. Despite his tone, we were all professionals here and so we didn’t need to be told twice to get started on work. I wasn’t put with Gaku-sensei on watch duty, instead I was ushered off to cooking duty with Shisui and his female teammate. She tied up her purple hair and silently went to chopping the vegetables with surprisingly quick agile chops. I, being the youngest, and therefore assumed to be the most unskilled, was set to peeling the potatoes. Shisui used a fire jutsu to get the fire going before lugging in the water.

Wow… this was almost _boring._

I hadn’t expected fire and war exactly, but I’d imagined us being sent to more _ninja related_ duties. Maybe I just expected that civilians took care of the whole ‘keeping the post running’ business, but apparently Genin were good for it too.

“Suzuki-chan, do you need any help?” Shisui asked.

“Thanks, but I’m good,” I replied curtly.

I was just peeling potatoes. Without a peeler it wasn’t as easy. Maybe I should invent the first vegetable peeler in the Elemental Nations. Imagine that, a girl named after vegetables inventing the first vegetable peeler. It was too good. I made a mental note to actually go through with this plan, because there was no way in hell that it wasn’t just absolutely perfect in every way. Peeler or not though, I was still pretty good at keeping it even and not cutting out too much of the potato. My dream came back to mind and I winced. _Eggs Benedict._ It felt and sounded like a foreign dish, something that in my past life I had made quite often. Was I so far removed from my previous life that I thought a dish I had made every week before felt foreign? I shook my head, trying to forget that dream. Maybe it was better when I didn’t remember… _Catherine._

“Are you ok Suzuki-chan? You look a little pale,” Shisui asked, giving me a concerned look.

I quirked a brow at him. Why was he treating me so kindly? He sounded exactly like Taichi… oh wait was he one of those dudes with that natural older brother personality? That irked me a little just because it utterly clashed with my big sister personality I tried desperately to keep under wraps.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Why don’t we start on the broth? If you keep it running for longer before adding in the potatoes, it’ll taste better.”

“Do you know a lot about cooking Suzuki-chan?” he asked curiously.

“Yeah, you could say it’s a science,” I replied with a sad smile.

“Ok, let’s try it your way then,” he nodded.

“Shisui,” the purple haired girl said unsurely.

“Don’t stress about it Yugao, what’s the harm in trying something new?”

“Fine,” she huffed.

Then we got about making the broth. I chucked in all the bones and cartilage before adding in the grilled onions and spices. There weren’t many spices around, and the ones that were here were the wild ones, so the smell wasn’t as strong as it would have been. Then I got about cooking. Let me tell you something. Cooking for more than 50 people was not an easy task.

Eventually though, once everyone had been served and they all sat down for the meal, I heard murmurs of approval for the food. It brought me an odd bit of pride hearing it. I mean any hard work that paid off had this insurmountably good feeling, but I didn’t complain about the work. The work made me forget my dream. It stopped me from dwelling on the fact that my previous memories were so unreliable that I had forgotten my _wife_ of all people.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t the end of my tiring first day at the post. I was tasked after my short break to work with the men on fixing the structure, and I got about picking up heavy objects—too heavy for someone my age—and made my way through the many cracks that had already appeared on the wall from a previous skirmish.

All in all a pretty tiring but boring day.

* * *


	7. Chapter 7

Between cooking, ﬁxing up the outpost and spending my only 2 hours of spare time training with sensei, I was bummed out. Even without all the war and ﬁghting I had expected to see, this was by kami the most tiring thing ever. Every single second spent in the company of people. A constant workday, not even an hour to spare on yourself besides taking a shit. Even bathing was done in the company of others and with a speed rivalling only the best shunshin.

I was about ready to collapse. Shisui, Yugao and Hayate were tired too. I had made a tentative friendship with them. They were amiable enough, and while I was sure Yugao didn't make friends often, it was clear that she respected my professionalism. I was a goddamn scientist in my previous life. If I didn't know how to keep work separate to life, then I'd be kicked out. Oh Kami, how I missed my research, my lab... all those beautiful science equipment’s and computers. I missed computers and the internet so much. Oh how I had taken easily accessed information for granted. It felt like learning anything in this world was an achievement in and of itself.

Speaking of learning, I had mastered the art of wild herb cooking. I was put on cooking duty indeﬁnitely, which you might think was an easy task, but when taking into consideration that there were more than 50 people to feed, 3 times a day... well it was a shit show. With Shisui and Yugao's help it was only mildly better. Unfortunately Hayate couldn't join in because no one wanted a coughing child around food prep. We were already at risk of dying by sharp objects, we didn't need to get sick on top of it.

All in all, I was beginning to see why people looked constantly exhausted here.

After 2 boring weeks of absolutely nothing interesting happening, other than the muscle definition I was beginning to see grow, everything went to shit. It was a normal enough day. A lot of the Chunin and Jounin around were complaining that I wasn’t on cooking duty today, because apparently the wounded Chunin who got stationed there, sucked ass at cooking. I agreed, his food tasted like shit. I was stationed outside with sensei on watch. Shisui and Yugao went with their sensei too. It all a well and good break from cooking if it weren’t for the shitty fact that everything had to go to shit today of all days.

It all happened so suddenly. I felt a blinding pain on my arm and then Gaku-sensei’s body collided against my as we ducked behind a tree. It took me a moment to realise through the blinding hot pain that a kunai had been jabbed into my arm. Yama barked angrily, teeth showing as he growled in a low rumble.

“Push your chakra onto the wound,” sensei ordered before yanking the kunai out without warning.

I made a sound of pain, gritting my teeth as I shut my eyes and did as I was told. _Fuck it was happening._ No months of mental preparation could change the fact that when the fighting did begin, it was still disorienting. Once I’d managed to direct my chakra to my arm, I pulled out my shuriken, and stood to attention, my senses focused. I could sense 5 Shinobi coming, two of which had a larger pool of chakra than the others. I cursed silently, breathing heavily through my nose as I peered past the tree to see Gaku-sensei fighting off an enemy nin. Iwa, I recognised. It wasn’t like the long elegant spars between two powerhouses like I imagined it to be. It was brutal and quick how sensei disarmed the man and ripped out his throat with his bare fists. Oddly enough I didn’t feel like puking, I just felt the adrenaline tell me to keep focus.

“Sensei 3 o’clock!” I shouted quickly.

He spun around expertly to throw a kunai at the man who jumped down. It was blocked easily enough. Oh no, that was the guy who had the high chakra levels. This was not good. I remembered the whole Zabuza/Kakashi fight in Naruto. I oddly remembered that fight with clarity. It was a fight between two Jounin, and I had no chance against that level of skill.

“Sensei, there’s 3 more in hiding,” I said.

“Tsk, not good. Hina, go alert the camp.”

“You’re not going anywhere little girl.”

I twisted my body, and the kunai that had been thrown at me cut through my cheek shallowly. I narrowed my eyes at the sole woman of the group. Fuck, she was right. Not even sensei could hold off 4 shinobi, and I had trained for this. I would not let him fight alone. I got into stance and sensei nodded, breathing deeply.

“ _Shikyaku no Jutsu”_

I’d never seen sensei use this jutsu before. It was a collaboration jutsu with Yama. He got on all fours, low on the ground, and his teeth sharpened, eyes narrowing into slits and his hair stood on end, buzzing with energy. Yang release. Kami, this wasn’t the time to be jealous of your sensei’s nature affiliation. I got into my Tiger Palm stance, shifting my back feet slight behind my other in preparation to change quickly to the more versatile Circle Walk style. If I was correct though, the woman would get past sensei and come for my throat, so I only needed to limit my chakra slide to close range.

It happened quickly, too quickly for me to plan further. Sensei sprung into action and so did the other Shinobi. I barely had time to breathe before the woman jumped at me. I threw a shuriken, missing her on purpose. She wasn’t grinning anymore, her eyes narrowed. My heart thudded in my chest as I waited, waited until her blade was close to my neck and then I substituted myself for my kunai, popping up in smoke behind her. She was no doubt taken off guard by my affinity to kawarimi, as substituting with a small moving object required intense chakra control, which I had in spades. It didn’t stop her though, her agile body twisted and her kunai now in reverse grip slashed at me. I managed to use chakra slide to back away, but my shirt was cut, and I felt the sting the wound.

“Not bad kid.”

Then she came at me again. I didn’t have the time to talk, just move. I used my chakra slide to jump into an aerial maneuverer, aiming for her neck with my palm, she stepped aside grabbing me in a side hold. Not fucking good. I reversed her grip, catching her off guard by kicking off the ground in a backflip and holding her arm so it would twist with my body. What resulted was a pained cry as she was forced to let go of her kunai. I jumped at her.

_Tiger Palm: Second Style Beast Flare Form_

A stupid name I know, but it wasn’t something I made up, and it was a deadly subset of the Tiger Palm style. My short arms barely managed to get within her reach, the only thing really keeping me in taijutsu combat with the woman being my chakra slide. She was easily besting me in this match, and she kicked me in the gut. I flew into a tree with a grunt before using it as momentum to shoot back at her. She jumped away but I managed to slam into her block, pushing her away and at the least bruising her arms. She pushed my clawed palms away and I grinned, her chest was wide open like I planned.

_Fire Release: Flame Bullet!_

The oil I had been gathering in my mouth finally released in a burst of chakra that depleted at least half my reserves. The woman in front of me screamed in horror as the fire bullet, small as it was, condensed into a flaming ball that hit her chest and burnt her. Using the distraction, I pulled out my tiger palm, and aimed for her eyes. I grabbed her face in her pain and pushed my thumbs into it _. Satisfying._ Fuck! I didn’t stop, even when she screamed and threw me to the ground in a bid of struggle to keep herself alive. I let out a pained cry as her knees hit my chest. I didn’t let go though, instead focusing my chakra onto my hands to enhance their strength. I didn’t stop until her skull cracked and her body went limp above me. I didn’t even stop after she died.

I threw her off, gasping in pain as I stood up and ducked away from an earth bullet technique. I turned around to see sensei panting, his claws out. Yama was heaving next to him, coat drenched in his and others blood. I threw a shuriken at a kunai that was about to hit sensei. In the larger scheme of things, it didn’t really matter. A few kunai were already lodged into him, and he looked about ready to kneel over from chakra exhaustion.

“Sensei!”

“Run Hina! Alert the camp!”

“No! They’re already probably being invaded right now! They’ll know of it!”

“Stupid brat,” the enemy Jounin huffed, and his eyes narrowed. I was right. Gaku-sensei sent me a glare that screamed, ‘I’m going to kill you, if you don’t listen to me right now’, but I knew what he was doing was stupid. There was no way I was going to let him die for my sake. No one would ever die for my sake again. I wasn’t some kid. I had signed up for this war knowing what I was getting into. The recent kill didn’t debilitate me like I imagined it would, and the current fight didn’t make me freeze up in fear like I had anticipated. Oh yeah, I was quaking in my boots right now, and I was beyond terrified, but there was no way in hell that I would back down. Whining about dead loved ones, and forever regretting that I didn’t die with them sounded unappealing.

I was selfishly unselfish sometimes.

“Sensei, I’m going to fight!”

He didn’t have the time to dissuade me, and so he was reluctantly forced to accept as I used Circle Palms aerial manoeuvres to rush at the enemy Chunin. I would let sensei deal with the Jounin. No way in hell was I capable of helping him there. The only thing I could do was try and stay alive and distract this man while sensei focused on the bigger threat.

“You think you can kill me gaki?” the enemy scoffed as he dodged my kicks and blows.

“I have to!” I replied with a frown.

_Shadow Clone Jutsu!_

I made 4 clones of myself, all of us zigzagging away. I needed him to be distracted, if not slightly confused. He would figure it out soon enough, which one of us was real, but even a moments distraction was enough. He grinned at me, and I couldn’t help but chuckle back nervously. Fuck, my heart was beating fast, and my breath was already laboured from the previous fight. The enemy pulled out several shuriken and shouted out a lighting release technique I didn’t recognise. I barely had a second to think before projectiles all shot out simultaneously at me and my constructs.

_Circle Palm: Triple Aerial Manoeuvre!_

I shot off the ground with my suddenly depleting chakra reserves and twisted as gracefully as I could through my rough breathing and tired bones, as I twisted in the air dodging the Shuriken. The electricity bounding off the metal instantly popped my clones and I found my plan failing tremendously as the enemy jumped at me punching me in the gut before punching my face. I crashed into a tree, and I felt the bubble of liquid in my chest rise up as I coughed out the blood to stop myself from chocking.

Fuck that felt too much like a broken rib. I wanted to pass out from the pain, but the blurry image of a kunai coming at me made me hold out my hand just in time to use it as a meat shield. I pulled out the weapon, letting out a cry of pain as I stabbed it into the hand coming at my face. The Chunin let out a hiss before bringing down his other hand. In a last-ditch effort, I used chakra slide to push my feet off the ground instead of sliding it forward. I aimed straight for the man’s dick. Not exactly the coolest thing to do in a fight, but fuck it, I’d rather break a dick than die. The man let out a cry of pain, and I stumbled to my feet, swaying as I winced.

_Fuck that hurt like a bitch_

I don’t know how anime characters did it, or even how anyone was expected to hold back the pain. My head felt fuzzy, I blinked back the black spots in my vision. I was low on chakra but hell if I was going to die here. Sensei would kill me. My family… they would probably kill me too—or at least dad would. I would not die for Taichi. Maybe this is what drove all those anime characters from the brink of death to continue. They had no choice but to win. Losing _wasn’t_ even an option.

He came rushing at me and I used circle step to jump over him, and when I stepped down, I felt the bubble of red liquid squirm up my throat again. This time I wrapped my legs around his neck, taking out a kunai when he began crushing my hips. I stabbed into his skull again, and again until his body went limp and we both fell down.

_Ouch_

I tasted dirt as I coughed up more blood. Oh god is this what death felt like because I’d rather choke on a vegetable again than this. Man, I didn’t even get to patent a vegetable peeler. I was about to close my eyes when the sound of my name being called out in panic made me blink back awake.

“Hina!”

I coughed as sensei picked me up in his arms, his dark eyes looking me over wide and concerned. I turned my head to see the enemy Jounin dead, an arm ripped off and a kunai through the eye. I looked back at sensei and smiled, coughing out some more blood that wouldn’t stop coming out of my throat.

“W-we won,” I gasped.

“We did, you little idiot,” he said, voice cracking.

“I think a few rib’s broken’,” I rasped out, my breaths becoming more and more laboured.

“Don’t talk. Swallow this and concentrate your chakra to where it hurts ok. I’m going to take you to a medic.”

I didn’t even have the energy to nod. I just opened my mouth obediently and swallowed the solider pill. I felt my body seize up for a second as my chakra coils tightened and a surge of energy followed. I concentrated to channelling it to my ribs. Without my natural affinity for chakra control, I wasn’t so sure this would have worked. I’d probably die. That was a horrifying thought. Knowing my luck I’d probably end up in purgatory or Attack on Titan. Either option sounded scary.

“Have you reinforced the wounds Hina?”

I nodded, gritting my teeth. Sensei furrowed his brows in worry as Yama limped behind him, whining at me. I gripped the larger man’s hands to show him I was fine. I really wasn’t. I felt like someone was running me over with a truck. We didn’t stay still for long though. Sensei picked me up and my body jostled painfully. Then he began sprinting to camp, and honestly, I was too caught up in keeping myself alive, that the pain became an afterthought. The border post hadn’t fared any better. I saw quite a lot of dead bodies, Konoha and Iwa’s. I was taken to the makeshift infirmary where a dozen or so Shinobi lay with various levels of injury. A woman with dark blue hair pulled up in a bun and sweat sheening down her temples walked briskly up to us.

“Possible injuries?” she asked briskly.

“Internal bleeding, broken ribs most likely punctured the lung.”

The woman cursed silently, looking me up and down. I let out a cough, spitting out more blood before I let out a heavy sigh. Fuck this was probably not going to be a fun experience. With everyone else all injured too, I had no idea what would happen.

“I don’t have enough anaesthetic to treat her with. I’m sorry, but we will have to do without it. You will need to keep her awake for this,” the woman said sternly. “Make sure she doesn’t move.”

Sensei frowned but nodded. I let out a whimper and found my hands moving to his out of sheer fear. What the heck did she mean by ‘no anaesthetic’? Was she going to cut me open while I was awake to set my bones or something, because I don’t think I could handle that? To my utter relief no scalpel was taken out. The closest thing to a blade that came by my body was scissors, and that was only used to cut off my shirt and somehow the metal mesh underneath. I didn’t even have the energy to feel embarrassed about being topless in front of Sensei in a bunker full of other Shinobi. I was only 5, my brain supplied to me, so it wasn’t my most scandalous moment. I didn’t need logic right now, I needed this to end. 

I was wrong about the whole scalpel thing being better. The green jutsu had been warm and fuzzy at the start but once the woman had done her diagnostic over my torso, and muttered out my numerous injuries, she put her palm over my bruised ribs, under my breast and I screamed. I could feel it, the tiny strings of burning hot chakra, forcibly entering my insides. It was when it reached my bone that I felt my body jerk in blinding hot pain, and my screams got breathless as I panicked.

“Hold her down!”

I felt a weight fall on me as sensei whispered calming words into my ears, but the pain was too much and I was sobbing and shaking my head in utter agony as those chakra tendrils pushed my bones out of my lung which was _burning,_ and as that bone cracked back into place, a searing hot energy slowly twisting it inside of me. It felt like hours before the pain ended and I was panting harshly, face drenched in sweat, my voice coarse and rough from the screaming. I could feel sensei’s palm on my forehead, pushing away my sweat drenched hair as I gasped for air, my limbs shaking from the aftershock of that intense pain.

“She’s still awake…”

“Is that bad?” sensei asked.

“No, just surprising. We need to keep her awake. The pain might last for a while, and some patients can go into shock and die from heart failure, but we’re over the worst of it. Keep an eye on her heartbeat for the next 3 hours. If there’s any irregularities find me.”

Sensei didn’t speak, but I heard the lady walk away and suddenly the screams of the other Shinobi sent pangs of fear into me. I winced in sympathy. My body was still shaking from the pain and my breathing was still laboured, but I managed to keep my eyes open. I didn’t go through all that to die here.

“You did good, you did good,” sensei mumbled, and in a rare show of affection, kissed my hand which he had been holding as if I would disappear.

“I-I kicked ass,” I agreed forcing a smile.

“You did kiddo, you certainly did.”

* * *

I didn’t die of a heart attack, which made me immeasurably relieved, because I was more than certain life hated me enough that I would probably die in an inane and stupid way again. I refused this time. At least death by choking on vegetables could make my loved ones laugh down the line. Death by heart attack after surviving the worst of things was just tragic and unfortunate. Once my three hours of painful waiting as my body shivered and burnt uncomfortably, was over, Sensei had to leave. Apparently while the attack had been won on our side, our numbers were heavily depleted, and we needed a Jounin to get word back to Konoha for reinforcements that may or may not even come. I hated that Sensei left. I selfishly wanted him here, but Yama had to do, I guess. I was absently patting the wounded dog who had broke his leg, when familiar faces rushed up to me.

“Suzuki-chan!”

“U-Uchiha-kun,” I greeted out with a raspy voice which contradicted my smile.

He looked down at me and averted his eyes quickly. I looked down and realised… oh yeah I was half naked, the only thing covering me being some thinly wrapped bandages, which would be ok for an adult to look at because I was a kid, but not for another boy my age. I didn’t care about that though. What was a little nakedness when I was grateful to just be alive?

“Did you fight Suzuki-san?” Hayate asked.

“I did,” I said nodding with pursed lips. “Sensei and I were ambushed by 5 Iwa Shinobi.”

“F-five?” Shisui asked in shock.

“You were out on patrol weren’t you… so that meant—” Yugao summarised silently.

The 3 Genin fell into silence and I shifted awkwardly, wincing as I moved my bruised abdomen. I let out a sigh through my nose.

“What about you 3?” I asked.

“We were at the post when the attack happened. There must have been like 30 Iwa-nin,” Hayate said absently, eyes in a faraway look.

“We were told to stay back, but we managed to take out someone together,” Shisui said, ruffling his hair uncomfortably.

“You mean, you took him out and we just sat back,” Hayate retorted, a hint of resentment in his voice. Whether that was for Shisui or for himself I didn’t know.

“Are you ok?” I asked him, the concern coming out sincere.

“Yeah, I broke an arm, but nothing so bad,” he said softly, his eyes trailing back to my wounds for a second.

I wondered why Iwa attacked this post. I mean I understood _why_ there was a border post here. It made sense to situate border patrols around every border in Hi no Kuni, but it made no sense for Iwa to attack here. Not only would they have had to travel through Suna—oh— _ohhh._ Well that cleared things up. The war was escalating to new heights. I thought that the famine going on in Suna currently had thrown them out of the war but… it made sense. The reason the war had even happened in the first place was because Konoha’s economy remained strong. We had more missions, more clients, and more food than ever. Suna was ravaged by natural forces, not even they could help. Kumo, who had been a superpower, was threatened by Konoha’s rise in its military power. Iwa was desperately trying to keep itself afloat as a top contender. Konoha was certainly not making any friends anytime soon and being in the middle of 3 enemies was like being the opposite of Switzerland. How did we even win this war in the story? Clearly, we were on the losing side here.

“What’s your favourite sweet?” I asked abruptly.

“Huh?” was their dignified response to my sudden random question.

“Your favourite sweets? I want to know because I’m craving some sugar about now and all I can do is fantasise.”

Really, I just wanted to not think about what just happened, how it made me dread the future a little more. I didn’t want to remember pushing my thumbs through enemy eyes or stabbing a kunai into a man’s brains, because it made me feel… jumpy. Not _sad,_ or _disgusted,_ or even _scared,_ I felt jumpy, in what was an odd mix of adrenaline fuelled thoughts, and a thrill I felt during spars that I had no right to feel when _killing._ I wanted to think of inane things like sweets, and buying a new sparring outfit, because I didn’t want to confront the uncomfortable thought that came into my mind.

_Am I a bad person?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I had fun trying to figure out how to add pictures in XD This was an artwork of Hina's first kill I did. It's just a quick sketch, but I still love the raw emotion I managed to capture on her face.


	8. Chapter 8

To my horror, I spent the next two days in the little makeshift hospital with a handful of the other Jounin and Chunin. Two of the patients were on a ventilator of sorts, which I was certain worked with Fuinjutsu. I inscribed the symbols into my head because Fuinjutsu was hands down the coolest thing ever and I wanted to learn it so bad. Unfortunately, my enthusiasm was dampened by the sight of the two men fighting for their lives. In retrospect I got off quite easy. The rest of the ninja there treated me with surprising respect once we began recounting the events to the Jounin commander. Killing two enemy shinobi and not leaving my sensei to run was apparently enough for them to finally treat me like an adult. I revelled in it!

… that was until we got paperwork.

Mission reports were tedious to write. I was used to insane amounts of paperwork from my old life, but I didn’t have to do it for years and now I remembered why I hated it so much. Thankfully, everyone was suffering with me too, and so in our shared suffering we all bonded. I came to know the ninja in the med ward with me by name. There was Shin, who was a surprisingly snarky guy who came from a civilian family and worked hard to be where he was. Then there was Sima who was from a relatively unknown ninja family that focused heavily on genjutsu, and he loved performing card tricks. Then there was Yuta, who despite looking like a bishounen with his long straight black hair, fair skin, and beautifully angular features, was actually a potty mouth who liked to act all macho… he was really just a softy at heart though. Suddenly all these nameless stoic, professional co-workers had an identity and I began to care about them to some extent. It made me super uncomfortable, because when I cared I worried.

We played cards at Sima’s suggestion and I did surprisingly well for a kid my age. The Iryo-nin had given up on telling us to sit still in our beds. I would often times look at the door longingly, wanting to go out on a run so bad. My ribs still hurt though so I stayed put. Shisui, Yugao and Hayate visited during their break times and would also come around during mealtimes to sit with me. Not technically being on duty, I felt like it was easier for me to talk without all the formalities that came with work. Unfortunately all our conversations were layered with heavy tension, because people had lost friends during the attack, and while we had won it wasn’t like the post couldn’t be attacked again.

We were attacked again…

I had been finally pulled off my makeshift medic leave. My ribs hurt, but my chakra stores had been restored to normal and I had stretched off the sleep in my bones. I was even told I could resume my cooking duties, because everyone was eager to eat something that didn’t taste like carboard. They needed the morale, so I kept busy. The day had gone by well enough, but I had been twitchy. Something about being attacked abruptly had made me more paranoid than usual.

_Better paranoid and alive than easy going and dead_

I found myself on clearing duty with Shisui’s team. Without Gaku-sensei around, they felt uncomfortable leaving a Genin without a Jounin around. I was grateful because the stern Uchiha man that lead the Genin team seemed reasonable and kind enough. He set us about, making us work at a fast but not unreasonable pace, clearing out the kunai and shuriken from the previous battle. We were then tasked to check the traps with him which were all working perfectly fine. A few rabbits were caught in them which I felt too horrible to kill. It made me wonder why I could manage to kill a human without remorse or disgust but not an animal. I didn’t ponder on it for long though. We reached back to base to report to the logistics division when the alarm bells rang again. The Chunin at his desk strapped his Tanto back onto his gear and stood to attention. The Uchiha Jounin with us pulled out his giant shuriken wheel, placing himself in front of us.

“Team diamond formation! Circle up behind me we have to go out.”

He didn’t seem too happy about doing it. Us Genin just gulped, and I felt my hands shake with anticipation as I took mid-right in the group formation, Shisui up front and Hayate to my side, leaving Yugao at the back end. We ran outside and into the carnage.

“Help from a distance, do not engage unless attacked from close range, and stick close to me!”

“Hai!” we all but shouted as we ran behind the man.

I did as I was told, sticking with the group, assisting from afar which I admittedly was not the best at. I took to throwing shuriken at moving projectiles, deflecting them from our Jounin so that they could fight without worrying about it. There was a level of trust they afforded us in looking out for their backs that we took seriously, and with the weight it deserved. I felt itchy, wanting to use chakra slide to jump at the enemy nin, to fight them, because clearly standing back and playing a support role wasn’t _doing_ anything to help the people, I was watching die. I hated how weak I was, how little I could even do.

I got what I asked for eventually, because the Uchiha Jounin in charge of the team found himself facing against 3 enemy-nin. Shisui performed a rather quick shunshin, taking the enemy by surprise. If us kids had one advantage, it was being underestimated by the enemy. It was clear we were going to break format for now.

I used my chakra slide to burst forward into the air, then the momentum it gave me to kick at the man engaging Shisui. He jumped back in a retreat. Shisui nodded my way and we came to a silent agreement. Both of us flanked the man, he performed a too quick hand seal movement before the earth jutted out at our direction. I performed the aerial manoeuvre I had been trained for to evade the projectiles, but one managed hitting my arm and throwing me off balance in the process. I still managed to land a kick on the man while Shisui used the distraction to cut the ninja with a kunai. The man cursed, holding his wounded hips, and backing away.

“I’ll take front, you hit the openings,” I said snapping my wrist as my body practically vibrated with energy.

Shisui just nodded, then we jumped straight into action. The man grunted at my speed. I managed to circle him, my intense lessons on footwork paying off. I circled him, forcing him to turn around to attack and defend my jabs, giving Shisui the openings to hit. This man was slimy as fuck though, and I found our little taijutsu session ending up in me receiving more blows than I dished out. He was slow though, so I just reinforced the areas he targeted with chakra to minimise the damage as best as I could. It wasn’t until he hit my ribs that I was thrown back. I coughed out some blood again, cursing as I kicked off the ground, throwing a round of shuriken at him, before going through the hand signs for my clones. He didn’t have the time to see me go through my hand seals, as Shisui had contacted him, and so he didn’t know which clones were real or not. It gave me the perfect opportunity to Circle Walk around him and use my Tiger Claw techniques to jab at the back of his knees, making him fold for enough time to help Shisui land the killing blow.

So the man was a low Chunin then. I was glad we didn’t get anyone beyond that because we would have been in big trouble. Shisui signed the word ‘regroup’ and I nodded. We rushed back behind sensei, who was now having active help from both Hayate and Yugao, all three of them apparently in the sword carrying business

“Do you know any long-distance support jutsu?” he asked, as we ran up behind them.

“Two.” I said quickly.

“Ok then, fire at any openings and watch my back!”

“Hai!”

It was weird taking orders from a kid barely older than me. It was weird seeing other kids fighting in this war. I wasn’t a kid so there was a level of detachment that my morals afforded me, but seeing Shisui, a _real_ seven-year-old boy fighting was… well it was a bit disturbing. I couldn’t wallow in how unfair the world was to children because I needed to make sure they wouldn’t die. We managed to support his sensei for a bit before the fighting took a turn for the worse. What we had assumed had been a single wave of enemy Shinobi, was now suddenly reinforced with dozens of new players.

“Shisui take point and retreat!”

“Hai Sensei! Will you—”

“No! Go now!”

“But Sensei!”

“Do not talk back. Retreat! If things go south take the red scroll from the administrative building and go north east. There should be another border post there!”

At Shisui’s hesitance, and by extension the rest of ours, their sensei turned angry. He shouted a stern ‘NOW’ before we suddenly sprung into action and retreated. We went back towards the administrative building which was the sturdiest one in the post by far and formed our diamond form again. Shisui cursed and Yugao murmured in agreement.

“This is going bad,” Hayate said, coughing slightly.

“We will need reinforcements after this,” Yugao agreed. “Didn’t your sensei leave for them a week ago.

“They should have been here yesterday,” I grunted with a worried frown.

We didn’t have time to discuss this when an intense killing intent struck the field. I had been used to a normal level of it by now, but this was _powerful_. The ground shook and several Konoha-nin were impaled as spikes jutted from the earth.

I nearly lost my footing as I witnessed the absolute carnage. A large man with a mad grin on his face stepped forward. His chakra burned brightly, like a raging pool of lava that engulfed everyone in his way. I didn’t realise I had been frozen in fear until a kunai hit my shoulder, throwing me off kilter. I hissed before shaking off my fear and forcing myself to hold my ground at the enemy nin that attacked us with a grin. He probably thought we were easy pickings. To my relief a Konoha-Chunin engaged him, and our attention was turned back to the mayhem that was the massacre.

“Sensei! We have to help him!” Shisui shouted moving to run.

I grabbed his arm, pulling him back. There was no way he would survive out there, not now, not with that tank of a man ploughing through our ranks. I watched in horror as their sensei put up a fight only to be kicked so hard you could see the unnatural way his chest caved in as he fell back. I stared in horror as Shin and Yuta, the two men I had come to learn more about, and respect were utterly destroyed in a matter of a minute. If the gap between a Genin and a Jounin was large, then the gap between a Jounin and an _Elite_ Jounin was like the sea. I hadn’t even heard of this man from the story, and yet here he was killing everyone with such ease… oh they had killed my friend’s sensei. I turned to glance worriedly at them for a second, but they were trembling on the spot, their stances tense as tears glistened in their eyes. Once again, I was reminded that these were children.

“We have to retreat,” I said finally.

If we stayed any longer, we would be dead. I would have stayed back to fight, even just for my pride, but there were three kids with me no older than _ten._ I wasn’t going to let them die. Yugao and Hayate made to move with me, to get the red scroll but Shisui stayed firm on his feet, and I realised that unlike his teammates he wasn’t trembling from fear… no he was trembling from _rage._ His eyes were a bright red. _Sharingan!_

“Shisui we need to go,” I said tugging at his arm, but he did not budge. “Shisui!”

“No, he _killed_ sensei!”

“Listen, he’s beyond our level you understand! We need to do what your sensei said! We need to get the scroll and get out. We _need_ reinforcements!”

“I’m not going until he’s dead!” Shisui said, his words low and dark, before he shunshined straight into the battle.

“Fuck! Yugao, Hayate! Go now, take the scroll and go!” I shouted.

“We can’t leav—”

“—Are you fucking listening to me! Take the scroll and leave or Iwa is going to get a fucking border post! Do it for the Village!”

Normally I wouldn’t care about the Village’s needs, but right now the Village’s needs were my needs. I needed Konoha safe. If Iwa got a hold of this border post, it wouldn’t win them the war, but it would set Konoha back and put us in a more precarious situation and possibly extend this mess. We needed to win this, no exceptions and yet… I understood Shisui. I wouldn’t be able to control my emotions if Gaku-sensei had—I couldn’t even seem to imagine the thought of it. I wasn’t about to let Shisui die alone though. I could do something! I could possibly get him out. Thankfully Yugao and Hayate did as they were told, probably taken entirely off guard by my commanding tone.

I ran in after Shisui, past a Konoha-nin who was struggling to breathe his last breaths, past another Iwa-nin who was dying of blood loss as his arm was dismembered not a meter away, and I realised that this, _this_ was war, and I couldn’t even bring myself to feel disgusted by it. I didn’t have the time to ponder just how messed up I already was, when I saw Shisui, the idiot he was, run after the man who had practically caused an earthquake and kill a dozen Jounin with just one Jutsu.

“Fuck!”

“Hah! A child! You are a brave one and now a dead one!” the man grinned mercilessly.

Shisui just screamed as he charged him. I could see it, in slow motion, the speed at which the man could easily kill the boy I had come to see as a friend. I expelled all the chakra I had to my feet in a moment of desperate panic, I flung myself at the man. He noticed me too late, caught off guard by my sudden attack and was thrown back a few meters. I cried out as I crashed onto the ground, my arm cracking with the impact as I stumbled to my feet in front of the boy who had very nearly died. I let out a hissed breath, as I held out a kunai in a defensive stance.

“Hina!”

“Run!” I screamed. Shisui paused. “NOW!”

“That’s sweet. You think he can run from _me._ You should have left when you had the chance.”

I was swatted away like an inconsequential fly, and I gasped in pain as I crashed against the ground. I was flung back again from the sheer momentum I was going at, but I managed to plant my feet on the ground the second time, skidding back onto my knees. I scrambled up when I realised the position the Uchiha boy who had grown on me was in.

“Shisui!” I screamed in horror and pain.

I was running at him in worry, the boy dodged one hit from the man, whose very punch seemed to shake the ground, and then the next hit—I could see it. It would land. I was about to cry out in horror as the fist was barely an inch away from the boy’s face, when suddenly it was stopped. Almost like he had come out of nowhere, Minato was in the middle of the field, both hands up and holding the Iwa-nin at bay. The man grunted as he jumped back and away. Minato looked down at Shisui in worry.

“Are you ok kid?” he asked.

“H-hai!”

“Good, now step aside. You’ve done well.”

Shisui nodded, stumbling to his feet before running my direction. He held out his hands and helped me up. I groaned as my bones creaked together. There were only a handful of Konoha-shinobi standing, and the Iwa-nin who were now outnumbering us all stopped their fighting too. They were looking at Minato with horror. So he had made a name for himself already as the Konoha’s Yellow Flash.

“Konoha’s Yellow Flash, huh? It’s going to be a pleasure killing you,” the Iwa-nin grinned.

“Boruda Tenaki, the Earthquake,” Minato said eyes narrowed.

“I see you know of me! Let’s see whose name will last the ages!”

Their pre-battle banter had been short. Minato looked angry at the amount of dead Shinobi at his feet, and well—Boruda seemed like he was itching for a challenge. All we could do while watching these two-ninja fight, was not get in the way. I, and every other small fry in this place decided to back the fuck away and watch with bated breath. My eyes could barely keep up with them, the speed at which they moved was impossible.

_This was what I needed to become._

The battle barely lasted 30 seconds before it ended. Suddenly the invisible blur that was their fight slowed down as Minato basically teleported 10 feet away from Boruda. The bigger man slumped to the floor and his head lolled off his shoulders. The dismembered head dropped to the ground in a moment of silence. Then as if on cue an army of Konoha-nin came in from the distance and the Iwa-nin all shouted for a retreat. The back-up didn’t celebrate just yet, as they continued running after the Iwa-nin and into the forest.

I slumped down, my shaking legs barely keeping me up at this stage. Shisui caught me and his eyes were glinting with tears. He looked angry, but not at me—at himself.

“I-I’m sorry,” he cried.

“You’re alive right so don’t be… but next time don’t go on a suicide mission,” I grumbled.

“I-It wasn’t—” he began before trailing of and realising, yes, yes it was a suicide mission. He had the decency to look ashamed at the realisation and then tears sprung at his eyes when he turned to the field and to the body of his sensei. I let go of his hand and let him go. He needed to grieve. As I watched his receding form, I barely had a moment to notice a form kneeling besides me until I was pulled into a familiar embrace.

“S-sensei,” I said in relief as I hugged back with my good arm.

“Are you hurt?” he asked as Yama nudged me on his back. I sat on the dog grateful to be carried.

“Yeah, broken arm,” I said grounding my teeth in pain. “Hehehe and also maybe a kunai to the shoulder.”

He let out a relieved look and I winced as I coughed up some blood. “Ah… ok and maybe some internal bleeding too.”

“What am I going to do with you,” he huffed.

“Possibly send me to the med ward?” I asked hopefully.

“Come on kiddo. It’s good to see your sass still intact.”

I couldn’t smile at him. A heaviness weighed on my soul after what I had witnessed. The death, the carnage, and worst of all—my own uselessness. Konoha shinobi died and I just—just watched. I barely did anything to contribute. There wasn’t anything I could do, not with how powerless I was. With heavy thoughts, I was led back into the safety of the structure.

LINE BREAK

I saw Kakashi again briefly. He had followed his sensei for this mission. He looked _tired._ I could relate. Now I could understand why many of the kids who grew up in war had those deep-seated lines under their eyes like the way I remembered Itachi had been drawn. We were all tired. Our bodies weren’t made to take this kind of stress. I was mentally prepared of course, but not physically. No amount of training could prepare a growing body for minimal food, constant stress and 12 hour working days for months on end. In the months that I had been working at border post 9, I had barely survived 4 skirmishes. The worst had been the second one, with 40 shinobi dying in one day. I was just surprised I wasn’t one of those numbers, a statistic of war.

My body count was at a 6. I remembered every single kill, and oddly enough I felt no remorse, no sickness or repulsion at the thought of having killed. I was worried at the start of course, but that was more of a worry for my lack of any emotions on the topic, and my growing addiction to battle—if you could call it that. I was jumpy and paranoid during battle, but when I sunk my blade into the enemy’s throat, or when I landed that killing blow it was an indescribable feeling. It felt like an accomplishment, a stepping-stone towards another win. When I sunk my fingers into the woman’s eyes that first time, I had been satisfied because I had done my job, and there was no better feeling than accomplishing a challenge.

I didn’t talk much anymore to anyone outside of sensei. Shisui, Yugao and Hayate had been assigned back to Konoha. Without their Jounin sensei, they had no place in the border post. Konoha was willing to send out children to the front lines, but even they weren’t desperate enough to throw them out there without Jounin supervision.

My 6th birthday had up and gone in the whole mess. 3 months… it felt like an eternity. I had somehow managed to survive it, and when I was done, I looked like an absolute mess.

“Ready to go home kiddo?” sensei asked me as we packed.

“Yeah, I’m ready,” I said, with a tired smile.

“You’ve done your duty exceptionally,” he said ruffling my hair.

I couldn’t help but beam proudly. The only good thing to come out of this mission was how close I had become to Sensei. It was one thing to spend most of my day training with him, it was something else to have fought besides him, bled besides him, and killed with him. I had originally scoffed at the idea of the Will of Fire, but all things considered I felt it now; for the people who I fought besides who I didn’t even know the name of, and especially for Sensei and Yama, who I entrusted my _life_ to. This was a level of trust and kinship that I felt now could not be broken for anything.

He had indubitably become _family,_ and I didn’t take that term lightly.

Family had always been something I put significant importance on. A value more than basic love or even a feeling of acceptance. It was blood and no matter what, you stuck with your family. It was something my mother from my previous life taught me, and one that my current mother did not embody. Catherine was the only one ever to have been accepted in as family that wasn’t blood, and now Gaku-sensei and by extension Yama and Nami had become a part of it.

I packed my bag, strapping my hitaite to my forehead before slinging it over my shoulders. When we walked out, I was waved out by many people, all of whom we’re thanking me and sensei for our service.

“Aww the little chef leaves! Now we have to be stuck eating carboard again,” Yuta groaned, pushing his too pretty hair out of his stupidly pretty face.

“Aww, I didn’t know you fancied me Yuta-san,” I said with a grin, giving the heavily bandaged man a once over like I was assessing him.

“I would be an idiot to ignore one as beautiful as you,” he said smoothly.

I nearly swooned. I had to stop myself. I couldn’t fall for his pretty looks. He wasn’t just a pretty boy; he had a vulgar mouth and a bad boy attitude too. I huffed instead holding back a blush. To my surprise Yuta backed away suddenly looking very scared and then I turned around to see sensei giving him the stink eye.

“You chatting up my student?” he asked gruffly.

Gaku-sensei mad was a sight to see. A big buff 7-foot man glowering at you was intimidating in and of itself, especially when they turned on ‘dad mode’. I just chuckled as Yuta stammered out a horrified no, and then sensei chuckled.

“I was just kidding. Lighten up pretty boy. Come on kiddo, kiss your _boyfriend_ goodbye. We have to go.”

“H-he’s not my boyfriend!” I protested. It was obvious that Yuta was just humouring a little kid with some fun banter!

“Sure~”

Ugh sometimes I wanted to punch him. In what was a rare gesture, Gaku picked me up and put me on his shoulders. I scrambled on, not commenting on how embarrassing it was to be treated like a kid, because honestly, I was tired, and I’d take a free ride at this stage. I waved a goodbye at Yuta who screamed his address to me so we could meet up sometime. I yelled mine back before we exited Border Post 9.

Finally I was going home!

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Here's some art that I did for Hina, Gaku, and Yama. It's honestly too adorable not to put in. 


	9. Chapter 9

To my utter dismay we didn’t just go back home when we reached Konoha. Instead we reported to the mission’s desk, where the Hokage actually greeted us this time. I hadn’t seen much of this man before, and so it was always an awe inducing moment when we did. He gave us a tired smile and then I realised that while I would be getting a few weeks off, this man was working non-stop at all hours of the day. My respect for the old man just shot through the roof at my realisation.

“Hokage-sama,” Gaku greeted professionally but kindly.

“Gaku-san, I’ve read some of the mission reports. I’m truly sorry it’s been such a hard time for you and your student on your first mission outside Konoha.”

“That’s ok, we came out alive. That’s all that matters,” Gaku said casually.

“Yes, I’m glad to hear. Hina-chan correct?” the Hokage asked, for the first time looking at me.

“Y-yes Hokage-sama,” I replied as professionally as I could. It wouldn’t do me any good to look silly in front of a military dictator would it.

“At ease Hina-chan,” he chuckled, and I deflated slightly in embarrassment. “I’ve heard about your professionalism and contribution out at the border post. Everyone is very impressed.”

“Thank you,” I said a little stumped. I hardly did anything… actually well I did do things, but nothing that everyone else wasn’t already doing. Then it struck me… oh yeah, I was a _kid_ to them. Of course it was a little odd that a child my age would show the maturity and quick thinking I did in the situations we were put in.

“For your notable hard work I have decided that you and Gaku-san will not be posted on border patrol but will rather be taken for mission orders in short bursts.”

“Hai Hokage-sama!” I said in disbelief.

In other words _You’ve turned out to be a future asset so we’re not going to throw your ass constantly out in the front lines for you to die._ Well it was that in not so many words, and with a subtler tone. If the Hokage thought I was good enough to be considered a future asset to the village, who was I to protest? I looked up at sensei who had a proud look on his face. So he realised the hidden meaning behind the Hokage’s words too.

“You will have a week break and a further 2 months training period before your next mission. Thank you for your service,” he said with a smile.

“Thank you, Hokage-sama,” Gaku said with a grin as he bowed to which I copied lagging after him. I sent the Hokage a smile, because the man was actually smiling at me and it would be rude not to return it. Wow, the way he managed to exude kindness while still maintaining respect and professionalism was kind of awe inspiring.

“I want to go dunk myself in an onsen and stay in there for a week,” I said stretching my limbs out like a cat after the door closed behind us.

“How about you go back to your family first kiddo,” sensei snorted.

“That too,” I grumbled. “But I smell like I’ve run a marathon in Suna for a month!”

“Well I have to go back to my lovely wife. Say bye, Yama.”

Yama whined, nudging my chest and I hugged the dog back as he licked me. I was so desensitised to the slobber that it didn’t even bother me anymore.

“I’m going to miss you too buddy,” I chuckled.

“Don’t be dramatic, I expect us to go out for celebration dinner in two days.”

“Of course Gaku-sensei!” I beamed, my mood lifting.

I waved a goodbye before taking off over the rooftops with ease I wouldn’t have managed just a few months ago. I had changed a lot, and I wasn’t exaggerating when I said that. I was just glad to be alive and judging from the pay I had collected from the Hokage, my whole family could live comfortably for the next half year on it. I was grinning like a madman when I got home. I barely even noticed the civilians giving me a curious look, because I spotted my dad. He didn’t notice midget-me until I crashed into him with a hug. He let out a shocked sound before noticing me.

“Hina!”

“Tousan!”

“Hina, you’re back,” he said tears prickling his eyes as he knelt down and pulled me into a tight hug. I hugged him back, taking in the scent of fresh bread and pastry. I had missed this scent. We stayed in a tight embrace for what felt like a lot longer than it would normally last when I heard Taichi’s voice.

“Hi-chan!”

I was barrelled into by my older brother who had grown a few more inches taller in the time I was away. I laughed glad that he was here. The two men in my life pulled away when I turned my head to see mother looking at me wide eyed. My eyes trailed from her face to her stomach and I gaped for a second. Yua was _pregnant!_

I walked up to the stunned woman and tentatively put my hand on her stomach with wide eyes. I was going to have a little sibling. To my surprise a slender hand rested on my head and I looked up to see mom smiling at me, her eyes glistening with tears.

“I’m glad you’re alive,” she whispered.

I didn’t know what to say to that, so I focused on her belly again. “I’m going to be an older sister,” I said with a grin.

“You are,” she smiled back.

Wow. That was awesome!

“Come on, let’s take this conversation away from the shop,” tousan said gesturing me to go up stairs with him. I nodded gratefully, suddenly aware of the whispers from the civilian women who had come to buy bread. They all waited patiently, probably knowing that I had just come home after months at war. I couldn’t care less what they thought. I made it back alive.

* * *

I didn’t regale stories of war with my parents. They didn’t ask either and honestly; they didn’t need to. I had scars everywhere to show for it. I had a few kunai wounds, the most noticeable one being the one I got when I stopped a kunai with my hand. I had a few lightning scars from my last battle with a team of Kumo-nin and Iwa-nin combining forces. There were smaller cuts and nicks everywhere, including a few on my face telling stories of how close weapons came to kill me. Most of all, I had that look on my face, the look of someone so completely exhausted that it was almost always associated with the ninjas that went out into the front lines for extended periods of time. I really didn’t want to grow up with Itachi level eye bags, but if my career was any indication, I probably would end up with them. I looked too old for my childish body. I looked like a mini-soldier and so I couldn’t fault the civilians, and even some Shinobi, for being put off by my appearance and attitude.

The first thing I did was dunk myself in my hot tub for about an hour until my skin pruned and all the dirt and grime and been soaked out of my skin. I used a few fire jutsu to keep the tub all hot and toasty which was just great. I’d missed bath time. Dunking yourself in a cold river with a bunch of other naked women was not bath time, that was mandatory hygiene time.

Once I was out, I tied my now shoulder length hair into a bunch at the bottom of my neck and cut it all off, and then proceeded to cut my side bangs chin length again. Feeling the weight off my head (literally), I dressed in my casual green slacks and tight turtleneck black top before going downstairs.

“Hina… you know you didn’t have to—” dad said as he looked at the slip of paper I had left out.

“I do. I know we don’t have the money. It’s why I graduated early,” I said absently.

“Hina, it’s not your job to look after us,” dad sighed, running his fingers through his dark brown hair.

“It is. You’re my family, and that means your problem is my problem,” I said resolutely.

“Come here,” he said pulling me into a hug. He kissed the top of my head. “You’ve grown up so fast, and into such a fine young woman. I’m just sorry I couldn’t be the kind of dad you could look up to.”

“What are you talking about tousan?” I asked.

Then I noticed the dark look in his eyes, the bags under his eyes and how slumped his posture had become recently. The house looked a little less maintained and I realised that maybe things weren’t as good as they seemed.

“I was going to sell the bakery before you came back,” he sighed.

“But- but it’s been in our family for years,” I said, and then I shook my head, because no he didn’t need to hear this from me. “You’re not a bad father. We’re just going through a rough patch, and I-I had a solution, so I took it.”

“I just wish you didn’t have to risk your life for it. You’re too young to be out there,” he sighed aggravatedly. “What you’ve done for our family though… I couldn’t be more grateful.”

“Thanks tousan,” I whispered, and then I looked around. “Where’s kaasan?”

Tousan looked angry for a moment and then sad again. He winced as he caught my eye. “She went out.”

“But I just got back home, doesn’t she want to have lunch with me?” I asked, my eyes downcast.

“She just needs time Hi-chan… she—”

“—She doesn’t have time for her own daughter?” I asked, my voice raising an octave. “I thought—I thought she would at least be happy to see me. Why does she hate me?!”

“She doesn’t hate you,” dad sighed, which just made me angrier.

“Then why does she never look me in the eye? Why does she push me away? What did I do to deserve this kind of hate from her?” I asked in growing pain.

When she had put her hand on my head and said she was glad I was alive… was that all a lie? Why was she doing this to me?

“She doesn’t hate you Hina, she’s just a weak woman. She’s not as strong as you,” he said bringing my attention back.

“What do you mean? It doesn’t take a lot to just acknowledge your own child after they’ve been at war for months!”

“Hina, she’s afraid.”

“What’s she got to be afraid of! I’m the one out there fighting people, not her!”

“Hina, come back!”

I didn’t want to hear anything anymore. I was angry and when I was like this, nothing could quell my temper but time, so I stormed out. Taichi wasn’t here… did mom—she took him with her! I felt the hurt overpower my rage for a second. I trained my ass off to graduate early for _her,_ I spent 3 months in hell working day and night for _her,_ and she dare take Taichi away from me like I was some… some…

_WHY_

I didn’t care that people were staring at me as I stormed out of the shop. I was tearing up pathetically in front of this audience though and I felt ashamed of it. I hated when people saw me emotional. It wasn’t something I could take. The vulnerability I showed now was humiliating so I pushed back the tears as I ran out, using my chakra to take my feet across the village, until I didn’t even recognise where I was. It didn’t matter. I slumped down by a tree and buried my face into my knees.

Stupid emotions. Stupid, stupid expectations. I had a loving mother before. So why did it hurt so much that Yua was rejecting me? I wasn’t a kid anymore… _right?_ How much was this stupid baby body effecting my emotions and my expectations? Had it instinctually sought out the love of a parent despite my mind being well past that desire. I didn’t know, all I knew was that it _hurt._ It hurt worse than having my ribs cracked back and seared into place.

“Hina-chan?”

I snapped my head up to see Obito there, and I wiped at my eyes furiously. Damn, why did he have to catch me here, crying of all things. I sniffled pathetically, giving up on looking put together. I hoped he would go away, leave me alone entirely, but he just sat down besides me, tilting his head my way in worry.

“G-go away,” I muttered, burying my face back into my knees. Stupid emotions!

“Are you alright?” he asked carefully.

“M’ fine,” I said muffled.

“You know when I’m sad I laugh, and then the bad feelings go away,” Obito suggested awkwardly.

I took in a deep breath and calmed myself down, but kid or not, I didn’t want to talk to anyone right now. I just wanted to wallow in self-pity _alone._ Unfortunately 6-year-old Obito didn’t quite understand that concept.

“Everyone’s going to be really happy to know you’ve come back,” he continued. “Guy has been constantly crying every day that you haven’t come back. Even Kurenai and Asuma have been asking the missions desk if you’ve been back.”

“Really?” I asked looking up, because that had taken me off guard.

“Really! So um… why don’t we go hang out with them! I’m sure it’ll make them happy and it’ll make you happy!”

“Ok,” I relented because this really was the best way to get my thoughts of things. Goddamn I did not need Obito squirming his way into my heart with that utterly innocent smile of his. Wasn’t he meant to go on and cause the massacre of his entire clan or something? I couldn’t see a trace of that here, just a small kid who had a big heart. I let him help me up. He was a short little thing. I was about a head taller than him, but then again, I was taller than most people my age. Hanging around adults had muddled my concept of the appropriate height for ages. I considered myself a midget when really, I was anything but.

“How do we even know where they are?” I asked.

“They’ll be at the Academy,” he shrugged.

“Wait, why aren’t _you_ at the Academy?”

I got a cheeky grin in response and I let out a sigh. “Today was history and that’s _boring_ so I snuck out to throw kunai!”

“How are you going to pass if you keep skipping classes?” I huffed.

“Ugh, you sound like the clan heads,” he said sticking out his tongue.

“Don’t be a child,” I admonished.

“You wanna hang out or not?”

“Ok just for today,” I relented as we snuck into the Academy gates, which was considerably easier when you looked like a kid.

We waited outside for a bit and when the lunch bell rang Obito and I split up. The plan was that I would grab Guy, and Obito would grab Kurenai, Asuma and we’d sneak out. I was hiding behind a bush around the route Guy took often for his runs and when he came around, I grabbed him like the stealthy ninja I was and back into the bushes.

“HINA-CHAN!”

“Shush,” I said quickly closing his mouth with my hand.

To my surprise Guy didn’t scream, his dark eyes just glistened with tears and he threw me into a crushing hug. I let out a sound of distress as I could feel the strain of his goddamn too ripped muscles.

“You’re killing my Guy,” I said breathless.

“Sorry, I am just so relieved,” he said in a whisper.

Wow could Guy _whisper_? I felt like this was a special moment, so I let him linger in his affection before my quota for the day was met. I pulled away my hands on his shoulder as I gave him the best grin I could. He sniffled at my reassurance.

“Ok so the plan is we’re going to sneak out and regroup with Obito, Kurenai and Asuma at the big sakura tree outside the gate.”

Guy shouted his agreement to which I nearly facepalmed before I grabbed his hand and ran to the gate. I didn’t blame the Chunin sensei’s for not noticing us sneaking away. When you had about 60 other brats to take care of, your attention was rather divided. To my surprise when we reached the tree even Rin was there. I didn’t think she was the kind of person to sneak out. Kurenai gave me a relieved hug and I hugged back the red eyed girl awkwardly. Asuma, the ultimate dude bro he was, just shot me a cool wave which I couldn’t help but reciprocate.

“Welcome back Hina-san,” Rin waved.

“I’m so glad you’re back Hina-chan,” Kurenai breathed in relief. “You were gone for so long.”

“You got some cool scars huh?” Asuma said nodding in approval.

I rolled my eyes at that. Of course as children they all assumed this was a lot more glorious than it seemed, but I couldn’t help but puff out in a bit of pride. I mean the scars _were_ kinda cool, because the reminded me how hard I fought just to stay alive out there. In the grander scheme of things this war was kind of meaningless, like all wars were, but when you were just a normal person trying to survive, every single reminder of living was a blessing.

“YOUR FIERY SPIRIT OF YOUTH HAS NOT DIMINISHED HINA-CHAN!”

Guy took me into a bone crushing hug again which I somehow managed to worm my way out of. Obito laughed at my misery before Guy crushed him too. Hah! See how you like it brat! We made our way to the customary dango stand where we normally celebrated. I noticed Obito sending me odd looks as Rin chatted with Kurenai and Asuma, Guy trailing along like a rather enthusiastic puppy. I didn’t bring my wallet but to my surprise Obito of all people offered to pay for me. I declined of course, but then all the kids ended up scrounging up precious coins for me. I felt more than a little flattered, considering that I was probably infinitely richer than them having done service in the border post for 3 months, which mind you, had the equivalent of several D ranks, a dozen C ranks, two B ranks and even an A rank when the Earthquake Iwa-nin was involved. I was practically loaded with money… which was an average amount for a ninja, but to a kid like me was essentially millions.

“Hey Hina-chan,” Obito finally asked as he sat down next to me by the river.

“Yeah?”

“How did you become so strong?” he asked.

I took a moment to think about it. A head start was one of the reasons for sure. My body was moulded to be faster and stronger than the kids my age because I had needed to pull up my yang energy. I was sure in a few years when the boys hit puberty, they would unfairly become stronger than me. Besides my physical strength, I just naturally was more aware of my chakra and hence had more control of it than most Shinobi. I also had the mental fortitude of someone who’d been in the scientific field for quite a while, someone who had a PHD on Biochemistry and the Immune System. I had a whole lifetime of experience to go on, and future knowledge on this world to make sure I made decisions that were relatively more informed than the average person.

“I take this life very seriously,” I eventually decided to say.

“I do to! I wanna be Hokage!” Obito declared.

I levelled him a serious look and his fanfare quieted down as he looked almost downcast. He probably thought I was going to shoot down his dream. I was… but he needed to hear this.

“You won’t be Hokage the way you are right now,” I said sharply.

“Everyone says that, but they’ll see,” he huffed angrily.

“I didn’t say you could never become Hokage, I just said you couldn’t the way you are right now. You don’t understand what it means yet to be in that position, kid. Leadership positions are often not best given to people who want recognition, but to people who are willing to serve others.”

Man that was my Christian background talking. I was never really that into religion ever being an agnostic and all, but something about the way Jesus portrayed being a leader spoke to me… an idealistic part of me at least. A leader was someone that served others. It’s why I never wanted to be a leader. Too much responsibility. I’d much rather be a researcher, a scholar or someone in a field of study because that was where I _thrived._ I desperately wanted to just screw the whole ninja war thing and go to college… but there wasn’t a college here. Knowledge was shirked away to be known by the few lucky ones, the general population only ever learning basic literacy and arithmetic. Just enough to do their jobs. The scientists and engineers were rare, all coming from the richest of society, more often than not from the Daimyos courts rather than a ninja village. Of course it was my luck to be born with the wizard assassins and not to a rich noble house where I could have revolutionised the backwards scientific fields here.

“I’m going to be the best leader! Just watch, I’m going to serve the crap out of everyone!”

I snorted, pulled back from my musings as Obito continued his tirade. Kami, was he just Naruto in Uchiha skin? Still a part of me couldn’t help but root for him, because all things considered, he was actually a pretty genuine kid. I mean most kids were genuine, but he saw a crying girl and decided to help instead of awkwardly running away like most boys his age would do. Also the whole nepotism business with only the Senju descendants ever getting a spot in the Hokage position seemed kind of unfair. It seemed about time an Uchiha got up there.

“Good luck Obito-kun,” I said gently punching his shoulder.

He grinned at me and I couldn’t help but smile back. Then I tiredly looked back at the river, glistening under the sun as people milled across the bridge. Huh… this was an oddly anime moment. All the kids here together sitting by a river eating dango. It felt so surreal. I turned to Guy and looked at the baby fat on his cheeks, his still stubby little hands and feet and then I turned back to the river. _Children_. I didn’t think I’d befriend any kids. I wasn’t much of a kid person, I’d never wanted to start a family with children in it, being so career focused, but hanging out with these kids made me realise what I might have missed out on. I was stupidly protective of little things after all.

We talked about random things, things only little kids could really pull up in a conversation so seriously, like how there was a hunk of a Uchiha in one of the older classes, how the Aburame boy in their year had the most angry wasps in his colony. It was recounted with arbitrary fervour as I watched them talk, learn and converse in a way only children could. It was kind of relaxing.

* * *

“So you need more yin energy to produce that green chakra?” I asked.

Hanami sighed and nodded. I was bugging her now, but honestly, I just didn’t want to have to go home and because I was on mandatory leave for a week, that meant sensei would get on my ass for training. I got in trouble when the Chunin realised I had snuck out some Academy students, and then a lengthy lecture about how it was unbecoming of a Genin to pull such immature acts. The Chunin sensei who had lectured me went on for so long I had to interrupt to go for a bathroom break. Ugh. Troublesome.

“Yes Hina, but it takes a lot of practice and not everyone can do it,” Hanami replied patiently.

“How does it instantly fix tissue? Does it replicate cells? If chakra is life energy, then does that mean it can cause a form of cellular regeneration? Oh Kami, that’s amazing! It’s like mitosis on steroids! Wow are there any chakra papers on what exactly chakra is or is it just magic? Inexplainable?”

I realised my curiosity had gotten the better of me because Hanami was just staring at me mouth open. I let out a resounding ‘uhhhh’ that made me feel so stupid. I was an idiot! How the heck was I going to explain mitosis? Was mitosis even a thing here or was I just ranting of random English words.

“Sometimes you say the weirdest things. How did you figure out it fixes tissue and what is _mitosis_?”

“Oh I just… guessed? And ah—mitosis is like when cells replicate?”

“And why would you call that _mitosis_?”

“I guess I just didn’t know the proper word for it, so I made up one,” I shrugged averting my eyes.

Hanami snorted before her suspicion dropped and she smiled fondly. “You know you’re wasting your talents out there fighting. Maybe I should help get you sponsored,” she pondered.

“Sponsored?” I asked, perking up.

“Well there are requirements that you don’t meet yet, but once this war is over, I’ll see to it that you join the Nara research team. I’m sure you’ll do good there.”

“What _are_ the requirements?” I asked.

“Well you’d have to be apprenticed for at least 5 years before getting a research grant. Either you were accredited by a tutor or you specialise in a chakra research RnD field, but you’d have to be at least a Tokubetsu Jounin to join.”

“Why in the name of Madara’s spinning red balls would you need to be Jounin level to get a research grant? That makes absolutely no sense at all,” I said in exasperation.

“Well the information you’d become privy to is purely confidential village secrets, so either you prove yourself trustworthy as a Jounin or you prove your knowledge and character to a Teacher.”

“Ugh, life would be so much easier if we just had a universal college. Free of expense,” I grumbled. “Think of how fast this world would progress!”

Hanami scoffed at the idea of free and equal education. I had to remind myself that while my ideas were the norm in my old world, in the Elemental Nations information was hoarded and not treated as something for the masses but to keep those in power strong. I hated it with a passion. It irked me more when it came to the scientific and medical field. I was sure there were very specialised Iryo-nins out there who could have done a world of good if they just _shared_ their knowledge. Stupid ninjas and their stupid secrets.

“Troublesome,” I grumbled.

Hanami just laughed, a note of approval in her eyes. I rolled my eyes. Kami, I sounded like a Nara too much for my liking. I needed to change the topic. Questioning the state of the village governance for too long was risky here.

“How’s Shikaku-san doing? I haven’t seen him in forever. I miss playing shogi with him,” I sighed.

“The war’s made everyone work overtime you know. Shikaku-sensei happens to be a busy man as head Jounin Commander and Clan head. He probably won’t have the time to see you until the war ends, but don’t hold it against him.”

“Ugh that sounds like such a drag. I’m glad I’m not him,” I grumbled.

“Talking about responsibilities—I need to get back to work. My shift starts in five.”

“Aww already?” I whined.

“Yes, now be a good little leaf and bug someone else.”

“Fine,” I grumbled, stabbing my katsudon.

“Hina—do find yourself a hobby outside of training, or you’ll find that once this is all done and over, you won’t have anything else.”

Wow… what a way to drop that bomb on my head. With that Hanami rushed off back to her hospital shift and I stuffed my fried prawn into my mouth. I finished up my food before wondering just how my life was going to turn out here. The war would be going on for a while, in which time technology would remain stagnant, because here it was all about developing new jutsu to kill each other, not the best guns. Everyone involved in the scientific fields would be focused on helping war time efforts and even then, their research grants would probably have a sizable dent in the funding aspect of things.

In conclusion, I would not end up in my preferred career path for a long time coming.

* * *

I put on my favourite shiny kimono. It was the kind that sheened purple, teal and violet and with the patterns on it made me look like a particularly haughty peacock. I absolutely loved it. A part of me wished I could be sneaky enough one day to wear something as outlandish as this to a ﬁght. Maybe I'd grow my green hair out to an absurdly long length and pierce my ears and adorn them with studded emeralds, the kind that were dangly and very impractical. Maybe I'd be so good that I could wear traditional sandals to a ﬁght. Like a true flamboyant anime character!

I stopped my thoughts there. For now I would remain happy to just be extra on the occasion. I combed my birds’ nest of a hair and pinned my side fringes with clips. I looked like a cute little muscly child. I wasn’t exactly pretty, in fact normie beauty standards wise I looked just above average, but I had a thing for enjoying the fruits of my hard labour, and oh boy did my muscles look _good_. I pulled up my kimono sleeve and ﬂexed at the mirror for a while, striking a few poses. I would look so cool in the future... if I ever reached S Rank that was. If I didn't get there I vowed to look as boring and plain as I normally do for the rest of my life. Only the strong could afford to stand out after all.

I decided to stop being such a narcissist for a second, taking my handbag before striking one last cheesy pose at the mirror and leaving. I walked past the kitchen and stopped when I saw Yua there with Taichi. My brother turned around and gave me a big smile, shyly bounding my way with wide green eyes looking me over.

"Hi-chan, you look so cute!" he squealed, giving me a hug.

I hugged back and chuckled as he pulled away and commented on my aesthetic. As it turned out, Taichi was apparently really in touch with fashion. He was also good at cooking, sewing, singing and basically everything else I was expected to be good at as a girl. The poor boy was shy about his feminine interests and honestly, I loved him for it. It took guts to go for the things you truly enjoyed, and he was doing it despite being shoved into the life of a baker. I vowed to make my own path too, no matter how long or arduous the journey was.

"Where are you going?" Yua asked.

I sent the woman a stink eye and she winced back. Serves her right. I hope she dies of guilt.

"I am going to go have dinner with sensei to celebrate my ﬁrst mission and my _birthday_ which you forgot about," I said slowly and with a great deal of venom in my voice.

"Ok."

Ok? Is that all she had to say? Woman! I'm your daughter for fucks sake! No don't you turn your back on me! I narrowed my eyes at her back, wondering how family could do this to family? Did she have no shame?

"Uh Hi-chan?"

"Oh— Tai-nii," I said turning to him.

He was smiling at me nervously. The poor boy was looking between me and Yua, unsure of exactly what he was meant to do. I sent the woman a particularly nasty look before turning to Taichi and smiling sweetly. I stood on my tippy toes and pat his head consolingly.

"See ya later Taichi. Don't ever become like that witch," I said vindictively pointing at Yua.

Before she or Taichi could say anything, I decided to leave. I strode out of the house at a quick pace and found myself out of the bakery in record time. Huh, it felt stupidly good to put that supposed mother in her place. I jumped onto a fence scaring the poor civilian couple next to me before I hopped onto a streetlight and spun myself onto a roof top. Then the running began, which was admittedly quite harder in the outﬁt I was currently wearing, so I had to go half the speed I usually did, which just ended up making the run a little therapeutic.

I dropped down at the front of the Inuzuka compound and quickly sniffed my shoulder. Did I stink? I didn't want to stink at a dinner I was invited to. It'd been so long since I'd been invited to any dinner. Oh I missed going out to fancy parties with... _Cat_. My mood soured at the thought of my old wife. Sometimes I wondered if it was better that I remembered nothing at all. It was easier before I had that dream.

"Yama?"

The dog turned to me and barked happily. I grinned in return, grabbing his neck in a quick hug. He tried to lick.

"Ah-ah Yama, I don't want to get slobber all over me when I'm all dressed up!"

Yama gave me a cheeky lick anyway, too fast for me to protest and I groaned, wiping at my face.

"Troublesome dog," I grumbled, before a smile took my face and I followed him through the compound and to Gaku-sensei's house. The door was already open, so I just walked in, leaving my shoes at the entrance before following the trail of amazing smells into the kitchen.

"Hina-chan!"

I was pulled into a bone crushing hug by Nami and shaken around a little before she put me down and I struggled to get my breathing back to normal. Then I turned to Gaku-sensei who just pet my head in greeting. I swore he thought I was a dog sometimes. I noticed a really big Akimichi behind him, with kind brown eyes a very square nose and an infectiously hearty laugh.

"Is this the brat you were talking about?"

"Yes this is. Meet my student Suzuki Hina," Gaku said affectionately as he ruﬄed my hair.

"Hey, I spent time on this today," I grumbled patting my hair down. "Ah—nice to meet you Akimichi-san."

"Call me Doto, brat," he said grinning.

"How do you know Gaku-sensei?" I asked curiously.

"We used to be on a Genin team together," Gaku grunted.

"Oh and the stories I have to tell about this one. Did you know he was practically the class dunce? He once threw his test at the-"

"Hey! Now don't go and ruin my image," Gaku said ﬂustered, holding my ears and pulling me away.

I grinned evilly. "Oh tell me _more_ Doto-san!"

"Nope! Noooo! Come on, let's get you going with cooking before he corrupts you."

"Aww, but I wanna hear about your Academy days," I said with a fake pout.

"W-we can do that later!"

I'd never seen Gaku-sensei so ﬂustered. It made me grin evilly. It was time for some payback. I egged Doto on constantly for all of the dirt on my sensei who eventually just groaned and gave up. Nami congratulated me on my very Nara-esque traits and I preened from the attention. Mainly we just cooked together because that was apparently a tradition for this little family. I liked it. Meals should be shared, and cooking was always more fun when everyone was around. It also helped that an Akimichi was here, and by Kami did Doto live up to his family name. The food tasted divine after he touched it up.

"Every border post needs an Akimichi for morale," I concluded sagely.

"Hahaha I'm glad you like the food brat," Doto grinned. "So kid, how was your ﬁrst mission."

"Scary. Informative. A very exhausting learning experience," I said quickly as I scooped in some more rice.

"You must be happy to be home huh," he grinned, deciding not to push the other subject.

"I am now," I said ﬁdgeting awkwardly.

"Oh by Senju's saggy tits, she's precious!" Nami said grabbing me from the side and squishing me against her chest.

"Kami woman, you have to be the most energetic Nara I've seen," I grumbled in embarrassment.

"That's why I left that boring old clan and joined the fun one," she said with a hearty laugh. "Why don't you show us the Circle Walk once we're done eating. I want to see the progress you've made!"

"Get me some pants and I'll put on a show you won't forget!"

I grinned excitedly. Oh there was something I wanted to try! I was so goddamn excited about it! Of course it would be the ﬁrst time I'd try something like this so I hoped it would work and I wouldn't just be ﬂailing about looking weird.

"Eat your dinner ﬁrst kiddo, or you're going to be a midget forever," Gaku snorted, pointing his chopsticks at me with a mouthful of food.

"I am NOT short!"

I stabbed my meat particularly hard, doing my darn best to look irritated but the adults just laughed. Dammit, why did my baby features always get in the way?!

The table was full of chatter, there were many stories about near death escapes. Everyone treaded carefully on what they said in regard to missions. War could recount some rather victorious and proud moments, but more often than not it sprung up terrible memories of comrades dying and near-death misses. The talk was almost always about progress. How faster you managed to get. That new jutsu you created. The new Inuzuka pup that managed to learn a Clan jutsu. It was always about progress, because that's really all anyone could say to lift up their spirits. Then mealtime was over, and the sun had begun to set.

"Ready to show us your Circle Walk?" Gaku asked.

"Of course," I said, nodding my head in preparation as I ﬂicked my arms and legs, cracking my neck.

I had changed out of my favourite kimono and into more comfortable attire. We walked into the backyard and I could see all three adults watching me expectantly. This may have been casual, but this was also an evaluation of my skills. They wanted to see my progress. I was always competitive by nature, someone who put pride and integrity in my work. I was never going to hold back in any assessment.

"Ready kiddo?"

I nodded, then breathed through my nose, pushing the dirt with my toes as it circled around to my right, and my torso twisted in tandem. The Circle Walk was a footing based taijutsu, with an emphasis on the ﬂow. It felt and looked a lot like Wing Chun, which was made by a woman for woman. It was a kata made for evasion and parrying. Use your opponent’s movements against them. Tiger Palm however was a quick blitz like style, made for wild unpredictable jabs of curled ﬁngers ready to tear out ﬂesh, and palms striking vulnerable points in the body.

Essentially, I had mastered ﬁre bending and air bending. I knew I was being childish simply by associating these Taijutsu styles to a story that probably wasn't real, but it was where I had gotten the idea from. I found the perfect way to blend in Taijutsu and Ninjutsu. I was going to be the _Avatar_! A mad grin took my face as I began the fun part of the Circle Walk kata, the part where I used chakra slide to propel myself in the air. I kicked and spun mid-air before using the seals for a D rank ﬁre jutsu that was often used as basic ﬁre release. I pushed the chakra to my feet and kicked out a bout of ﬁre.

_It worked!_

I went through the extremely acrobatic and aerial kata, kicking and punching ﬁre until I ﬁnished the 8th stance and felt my chakra depleted at least halfway. I let out a tired breath before moving into my ﬁnal stance and bowing. I looked up at the three stunned adults. They looked wildly pleased.

"Incredible, a perfect blend of ninjutsu and taijutsu," Doto said clapping.

"When did you learn how to do that?" Gaku asked, a look of pride on his face.

I preened at the attention, grinning as I felt my achievement push my elation to new heights.

"I wondered why we didn't kick ﬁre you know. We always seem to blow it from our mouths or release it from our hands. I have really good chakra control so even if I don't have too much tenketsu in my feet, I can release ﬁre from there. I still have to mould it with the hand signs though," I said, frowning at the last part.

"Sure it drained a lot of your chakra, but every new technique takes time to master," Nami said ruﬄing my hair.

"So until you master it in training you promise you'll never use it in battle unless necessary, ok kiddo," Gaku said strictly.

"Fiine," I grumbled. "Kill joy."

"I mean it, I don't want you using up all your chakra. It's too dangerous. Only ever use techniques you are sure you have got down."

I nodded, seriously this time. I could be a brat if I wanted to be, but I had a professional switch and it always turned on when sensei put on that no-nonsense tone. If he said something it usually was for my beneﬁt, so I listened.

"You've got a ﬁne little kohai there. You're making me want a few gakis of my own," Doto muttered.

"A Genin team, huh? I think you'd do good with one," Gaku agreed.

"Come on Hina-chan, we still have desert!"

"Is it chocolate?" I asked.

"Of course it is."

I couldn't help but quicken my pace a little. Nami went to the fridge and to my surprise brought out a chocolate cake. I gaped in surprise, and grinned. _Cake_. By the heavens above, I was craving something sweet. Stupid war getting in the way of my stupid desires!

"Happy birthday kiddo."

I smiled up at sensei as his familiar hand fell on my head. I looked up at him, which was always a little annoying when he was basically a giant. I jumped up onto the chair and Nami brought out a camera. Oh my god, those were rare!

"Doto, can you take a picture of us?"

The Akimichi agreed and Nami, Gaku and I stood behind the cake, all grinning happily. Doto snapped a picture and it came out of the camera. He shook it and handed it to me.

"Thanks," I whispered, suddenly feeling very warm inside.

I had the sudden urge to call sensei dad and hug him, but I didn't. I just smiled because I was truly grateful to not be so alone in this world. Sure there was a war, and we were all in danger, but I was happy.

"We got a little present for you too!"

"Oh?" I asked curiously.

Nami brought out a green box with a little blue ribbon on it. I pulled the ribbon apart and opened it to see gloves. Khaki green gloves with metal studded on the knuckles and the palm. I traced it with wide eyes.

"Its chakra reinforced," I said in wonder.

And it wasn't cheaply reinforced either. It was some good quality chakra. This must have been expensive. Apparently, my observation didn't go unnoticed.

"How did you notice?" Nami asked, giving me a curious look.

"I just knew... aren't I meant to know?" I asked.

"You can sense chakra in objects?"

"Yeah in everything with chakra, like trees and animals too. Is something wrong?" I asked.

"No, but how far exactly can you sense?" sensei prodded.

"Only as far as I can see," I shrugged.

"So a mild chakra sensor huh? I can't believe I didn't see it before," Gaku snorted with a grin.

"Hey, does this mean I can become a tracker like you?" I asked.

He shook his head and I deﬂated a little. "You'd need a wider range of sense for that. If you want though we can—"

"—No training for a week, remember," Nami cut in crossly. "Now let's eat some cake!"

"Yes!"

Then like the true alpha she was, Nami got us all to sit and talk about something other than Shinobi related business. I indulgently ate two pieces of cake and packed another two for Taichi. I began doing a mini kata with my new gloves, enjoying the glint of dangerously sharp chakra reinforced metal on the ends. Oh punching people was going to do a whole lot more damage!

I pulled out the picture of Nami, Gaku and I, and felt a pool of warmth take me. Life was more than just training. Life was the people we shared it with, and I was proud to share it with them.

* * *

I found myself not really wanting to train. I enjoyed running and I spent 2 hours every morning running with Guy, but that wasn't something I could spend the rest of the day doing. I wasn't meant to train. This was my mandatory week off and that meant I couldn't book a training ground. I didn't have a private one either, so I was stuck actually having nothing to do for once in my life. Sensei had Clan business, Hanami was always busy with the hospital, all my young friends were at school and I didn't feel like staying at home with my family when Yua was ignoring me. I huffed as I ate some dango.

What the heck was I meant to do?

I had nothing to do... no hobbies outside of training like my life depended on it, because honestly it did. Now that my life wasn't on the line, I felt lost. An itch to jump back into training was threatening to take over again but I knew that wasn't healthy. I knew how to do things that could be considered a hobby, like draw, read, and cook, but I did those activities out of necessity. I didn't do anything for fun.

Wow was I a boring person? Maybe not— _hopefully_ not, at least. I sighed again as I knelt down and thought about how to spend this week. I wanted to wind down, to ﬁnd something outside of training to look forward to. Could I pick up an instrument? No, that would take too much time.

_Dance._

_The sound of soft classical ﬁlled the air. Clear blue eyes looked back at me, soft golden hair highlighted by the sun behind as Catherine arched her back and kicked her legs up in a perfect arc. It was beautiful. My breath was caught in my throat and I found myself still, unable to move, entranced by the beauty and emotions behind every bend, turn and change of pace. This was dancing._

The memory caught me of guard. I felt like crying. Something about remembering was painful and unnatural because I shouldn't be able to remember my past life. It was like the world had glitched when it threw me out again. I sighed, trying to compose my feelings. I could vaguely remember dancing with Cat, although I clearly remembered my preference for Jazz. I had two left feet back then, barely managing to look any good with my better half while she shook her body to the tune and I just shook it in general. That was fun.

I don't think I could bring myself to dance like that again, at least not by myself. I could barely stand the sudden loneliness I was hit with.

"Stop moping around Hina. Don't think about the loss... It's sad but you need to get over it," I huffed to myself slapping my cheeks. "I should probably go soak in a hot spring and stop thinking."

That was how I found myself going to a hot spring for the ﬁrst time in years. I'd only ever gone one other time before with Hanami. The experience had been odd. As a child I wasn't expected to show any form of embarrassment about being butt naked. The older women too didn't wear anything as they got into the water. I was pretty sure even the Japanese back in my previous life wore towels in, but apparently this world was a bit freer with bodies. Women and men often were ﬁne being seen naked around their own genders.

I tried not to look of course. It felt a bit wrong on my end because not only was I a kid, but I was also a 35-year-old woman who was attracted to other women. I paid up the front desk for my time there and went to the changing room before unwrapping my hitaite, folding my clothes and putting them in my assigned locker. I jumped into the shower, glad no one else was here before scrubbing myself clean and making my way into the hot spring.

Steamy air hit my face, burning my nostrils and eyes for a second before I took a moment to adjust to the sensation and sight. It was a pleasant view. Light brown rocks surrounded the steaming clear water and bamboo surrounded most parts of the tall wall. There were already two women, probably in their 30's sitting in the water chatting with each other. I tried not to look about self-consciously as I walked to the water. They sent me curious looks. I didn't blame them. Normally 6-year-old girls weren't as toned as me, or had as many scars as me, or even came to a bathhouse without supervision.

I dunked myself in the water, glad that it came up to my neck because of my height as I sat down. It burned nicely. I was feeling rather calm and I decided to spread out my chakra sense out of curiosity. Gaku-sensei said I was a sensor, if not a very weak one. Every Shinobi was a bit of a sensor, but they had to actively train in it to be any good or to even sense their own chakra. Doing it on my own without any thought meant it was possible to expand my senses.

So far, I could sense about 100 meters away. It wasn't much, just a basic line of sight kind of thing, but it could mean a lot if an ambush were to happen. A split second’s notice could mean the difference between life and death in the field.

I pushed out my chakra and I tried to concentrate past the walls. I could feel the receptionist ambling around, a few men on the other side and... a man kneeling outside just behind the wall. 2 minutes and he still wasn't leaving. A peeper? I blushed furiously, dunking my whole body into the water as I blinked in embarrassment. Oh Kami, why would anyone want to peep on me? I was a kid! I pulled my head out after losing my breath and then I turned my eyes to the other women in the hot spring with me. Oh right— there were _actual_ women here with rather big breasts.

_Dammit don't look!_

I averted my eyes before jumping out of the water and running across the water’s surface, startling the women. Oh right civilians didn't often see water walking. I didn't mind them though, as I made my way to my assigned towel. I spun it around me before startling the women again, leaping onto the wall opposite them and jumping straight onto the peeping-toms head.

"Bastard don't spy on naked women!" I shouted.

I jumped off the man, adjusting my towel again and thanking Kami that it basically draped over my whole body. The man muttered an "ita ita", as he stopped his bleeding nose. Paper sprawled everywhere and ink was spilling out. That's when I remembered his iconic face, that striking long white hair, and the pervy character before me suddenly had a name. Jiraiya! I had drop kicked a _Sannin_. I would have been horriﬁed if I wasn't so sure he didn't dodge me on purpose. No way would an S Rank Shinobi have not seen me coming so I crossed my arms and huffed.

"A gaki? Damn, I was hoping you'd be a big bosomed beauty," he whined.

So he didn’t dodge because he _wanted_ to be hit by a woman? Kink noted Jiraiya, you weirdo.

"It's rude and improper to look at women naked without their permission! Not only is it a volition of their privacy but it's also sexual harassment!" I scolded, face a bright red.

"Relax kid, I wasn't even looking at you," he huffed. "I was just enjoying the female form, and why does a kid like you even know what sexual harassment is? Shouldn't you be at the Academy?"

"I'm not just some kid," I scoffed before I gave him an appraising look.

He was a _Sannin_. A pathetic excuse for one, sure, but still an S Rank Shinobi... who knew Fuinjutsu. How the fuck did that not cross my mind?

"Yeah, yeah brat now scram. You ruined my research!"

"No, how about I tell those women in there that you've been peeping on them! I'm sure their husbands in the room next to us will be pleased!"

Jiraiya paled slightly before huﬃng and turning from the hole he had created. I bit my lip.

"I'll let you continue... if you teach me some Fuinjutsu," I said quickly.

Jiraiya paused at that and looked at me with a whole new gaze. His face went mildly serious and somewhat perplexed.

"You know of me then! The Mighty Sage and Toad Sannin Jiriya!"

"Of course I do and peeping on naked women makes your cool factor go down the dirt!"

Jiraiya sighed. "Tough crowd, eh? Ok how about this kid, I teach you some basic Fuinjutsu and you leave me to my business ok?"

"Agreed!" I replied, a little too enthusiastically.

"Ok now put on some clothes. I'm not training a naked brat."

"O-of course," I said quickly, unable to hold in my blush as I realised, I was in nothing put a towel. I jumped back into the establishment startling the women again. I sent them an apologetic look, because well, I was going to let Jiraiya peep in on them and that was wrong. But Fuinjutsu. I couldn't just say no to this opportunity!

I changed almost in record time and made my way back out in less than 5 minutes, barrelling past the ﬂustered receptionist and out. I ran straight to the back of the building and my excitement died the moment I saw no Jiraiya. I cursed my stupidity.

"Idiot, he's a ninja! I shouldn't have trusted him at his word!"

I was going to grumble more about how Jiraiya had outwitted me when I noticed a scroll by the wall. I walked over and picked it up before opening the note on top.

_Deconstruct this and I might consider teaching you ;)_

Fucking lazy, perverted, sneaky bastard! I wanted to pull out my hair in frustration. That stupid smiley face at the end of his chicken scrawl of a writing was infuriating. I grumbled my distaste as I opened the scroll to see a seal, or at least what I hoped to be one. Seals in this world was made by writing in Kanji and various other symbols. That's all I really knew about sealing. Everything else was a mystery. How the fuck was I meant to decode something I couldn't even get the information for basics on?

Something in me boiled at his challenge though. I never backed down from a challenge. Ever. I curled the scroll back in, face setting in determination. I would decode this piece of shit by this week's end.

* * *


	10. Chapter 10

As it turned out, I was incredibly slumped on where to start. It was just seemingly random kanji, lined neatly, almost purposefully in a circle with arrows pointing in a circular motion. I channelled some chakra into it and a book popped out. The Tale of The Gusty Ninja. So basically the book Naruto was going to be named after. Then I started work on decoding it.

It started off as me simply noting down every kanji and its meaning and double meaning after borrowing several books on kanji from the Konoha library. Thankfully, books on literature were open to Genin and so I easily managed to procure some as well as one measly book on the many uses of sealing scrolls. It was a stupidly large book that I had to scour through multiple times to even understand some of the jargon they used.

It was like I was trying to learn backwards. Instead of starting with the basics, I'd been told to break down an established work. Without the basics of Fuinjutsu, or even the concepts behind it explained clearly to me, I was half sure this was an exercise in futility. The only thing keeping me going was just how goddamn stubborn I was. A challenge was something I couldn't back down from.

So I spent the ﬁrst two days organising a comprehensive list on all the kanji symbolism and trying to derive some sort of pattern to it. The arrows all came around in intervals of 4, proceeded by sub-spaces of 3, and the kanji were grouped together in lines of 12. Maybe this was like a part maths equation, part literacy? I balked at that, suddenly put off by the idea of Fuinjutsu. I was a Biochemist, not a Maths or Language major. I wasn't particularly terrible at either subject, but it certainly wasn't my forte either.

It was by the end of the week, that I was getting desperate. I was working in my room all day, scrolls, books, and my notes sprawled everywhere, when I realised, I just wasn't built to think this way. I'd spent decades of my life learning a speciﬁc method of study. I was given material that built upon the next, understanding concepts and jargon before proceeding to break it down to a conceptual level later in my own time. What was given to me was a signiﬁcantly different task. I wasn't expected to understand jargon, I was just expected to decode a pattern, and break down a concept from this sealing scroll without any foundational knowledge to help guide me.

It wasn't until dad got tired of me becoming a hermit in my room that he kicked me out. I grumbled, grabbing my work, and shovelling it all into a satchel. I had no idea where I could sit down to do this work. Konoha's library wasn't like one from my previous life. All the sections were guarded vehemently, with certain people able to access more than others. The weirdest thing was that there weren't any chairs or tables there. It made sense in a weird kind of way. Ninja were too private to study out in the open, especially where young ones who weren't meant to see their work could peep. Thankfully, I wasn't doing anything secretive. I just wanted to decode a scroll!

"Troublesome Sannin," I grumbled for the hundredth time as I made my way to the outskirts of the village.

I made my way into the clearing and let out a sigh. Training ground 3. It's where Kakashi and Minato often trained. I hadn't heard from the little prodigy in quite a while. Minato was clearly a very strong Shinobi, and they were throwing him front centre into the war, and by association so was Kakashi. It made me worry, and the only thing keeping me from checking in on him constantly being the fact that in the manga I had read, he was alive well past the whole story. I tried not to put too much credence to the old manga I had read, but it was still something I wasn't ready to just throw away.

I groaned slumping down on my back. The clouds looked nice. I was so lost in how ﬂuffy it was that I wondered if this is why Nara liked cloud watching. I personally preferred star gazing, but this was nice too. It just made me a little jealous of those birds ﬂying about, free in the sky. I used to want to be like that. _Free_. Just in the sky, above the clouds alone and gliding with the wind against my face. My memory decided in that moment to supply to me a movie I had watched in my previous life.

Something about a boy riding an ebony black dragon into the sky, and just how beautiful that scene was. I closed my eyes and hummed the tune I remembered from that movie. I was so caught up in it that I only stopped when I noticed a presence walking my way. I stopped my humming and opened my eyes to see someone frighteningly familiar... and not in a good way. I scrambled up quickly.

Slitted yellow eyes, pale skin, long black hair, a Jounin vest and that smile... Orochimaru. The fuck was he doing here? Oh shit, right! He was working for Danzo right about this time period! He wasn't AWOL as a Nuke-nin yet. First Jiriya and now I was running into Orochimaru?! Was the universe conspiring against me?!

"What's a child like you doing research on Fuinjutsu for?" he asked, giving me a curious look.

I took in a deep breath. I had people who would realise I was missing. It wasn't like I was some no-name orphan he could just whisk away. I also didn't have some crazy bloodline or kekkai genkai. I was just a normal kid with some above average chakra control and a keen mind. Which begged the question why he was even talking to me. Did Jiraiya put him up to this… if so I would take a page of Naruto’s book and prank him into submission one day.

"Well I actually stumbled on to your teammate Orochimaru-sama," I said, trying to keep my voice even although it cracked at the end.

"Hmmm Jiriya or Tsunade?"

"The troublesome toad," I huffed, trying to distract my nerves with a petulant childish look. So it wasn’t Jiraiya… no, he looked like he knew.

"Don't try to put on an act. It's unbecoming."

I froze and then narrowed my eyes at the Sannin. Wow, so he saw through my act huh. He probably saw how nervous I was. Fuck, did I look as twitchy as I felt?

"What's gotten you so frightened? Not excited to see a Sannin?" Orochimaru asked, circling me like a predator.

Shit, this was escalating too quickly. I didn't even know I would see this crazy fucker ever! What do I do?

 _Deﬂect_.

I bowed down quickly. "Please teach me Fuinjutsu!"

When I dared glance up at the Sannin, I noticed his face was oddly calculative. He didn't reply much to my displeasure before he continued circling my notes, his slitted yellow eyes scanning my breakdowns with deliberate nods. Was he assessing my work? This was the man who would commit atrocities against humans, experimenting on them without their permission, treating them like common lab rats. It made my skin crawl in righteous anger. That was not science! Science was not meant to make humanity abandon their morality and yet... I had done the same hadn't I? Making medicine at an extortionate price for people who were suffering... so what— so I could be rich? I was no better than this snake apparently and that thought soured me.

"What do you know of the fundamentals of sealing?" Orochimaru asked.

"Nothing actually. Jiraiya-sama just dropped this on me and left. I need to be able to decode it if I want to learn more from him," I said, grumbling my displeasure without needing to act it.

"You did fairly well for someone without the basic concepts down. A keen mind then?"

"Of course," I said rather proudly. Of course my pride seemed to overtake any nerves I had from before. Orochimaru being oddly nice was rather disarming too. I don't know what I expected. Hissing? Maybe non-consensual snake hickeys? I certainly didn't expect the Sannin to just comment on my work like it was something casual. Was I having a casual conversation with _Orochimaru_ of all people? _Yes_ — yes, I was, and I was going to try and not dwell on it. I didn't know the man at all, and what I did know was from a story that may or may not apply to this world. For all I knew in this world Orochimaru was goddamn Mother Theresa. I wasn't going to drop my guard down though. I had no idea if this universe was Naruto manga canon compliant or not, but all that future knowledge couldn’t be ignored just because things _might_ be different.

"The basic concepts of Fuinjutsu is as are stated. 1. Every stroke has an intention, direction, and correlation. 2. Values between symbols and strokes are measured in values greater than or less of the sum’s parts. 3. Chakra intention is just as, if not as important as symbolic expression."

I gaped at the start and the quickly scrambled to grab a notepad to scroll down the gold mine of information I was receiving. From Orochimaru no less.

"But most of all, all Fuinjutsu is based on an intent of will. Basic seals like exploding tags are used by everyone because they have less than 10 strokes and no more than two layers. The chakra direction needed to activate or create these seals are rudimentary."

"So the harder the seal the more complex the layers and by extension the strokes get. To get a balance in strokes is to calculate the distance, intention, and symbolic expression of the chakra you instil into a seal. Wow, does that mean that chakra is moulded not only by will, but by emotions and personal intention?! Fascinating!" I said excitedly.

I was so lost in the wealth of knowledge I was receiving that for a second, I forgot who it was that I was talking to. I had been tapping my brush on my face and splotched some ink on my face... looking like a complete fool in front of Orochimaru of all people! He didn't look vindictive or angry though. He looked casual, arms crossed, a smirk on his lips as he gave me an odd look. He was hard to read.

"Your thirst for knowledge is a refreshing sight. So often than not, I am welcome with the sight of children squandering away on pointless frivolities."

Wow, he sounded like a stuck-up, self-important prick…

He hummed to himself for a second as if lost in thought. I took that moment to study this man. He didn't look interested in me, at least not in a way that intoned me ending up dissected on a table. He just seemed like a guy who valued knowledge and who was surprisingly willing to part with it. A man of science, my brain supplied much to my irritation. I tried not to think about how morally bankrupt of a person I was to have almost dismissed all the evil he had supposedly done or will do, because he helped me with some pointers.

"Thank you, Orochimaru-sama. I mean, I've tried getting more information but it's hard when everything's hidden away. This is going to set me ahead! I think I can understand the seal now."

"Already child? Humour me. What have you deduced?"

I pulled open the scrolling seal and looked at it with a keen eye, taking in the 3 rules of sealing now. It made perfect sense! It was kind of like programming now that I thought about it. Everything had meaning, a command and an execution programmed. In this case the intention, spacing and circular motion of the sealing was overlayed by 5 layers of kanji. So a sum of more than its part.

"This seal holds the kanji for 'open', 'sphere', 'weight'— but in the form that also opens it for interpretation as the symbolic representation of the word heavy, which isn't related to a unit of measurement but something of an emotional sense. The circular pattern I assume is to aid in the continuation of the sealed object to come in and out of the pocket space that is represented by the kanji for 'sphere' overlayed with the kanji for 'open'. I only unsealed a book from this scroll, but I suspect that when Jiraiya-sama made it, he decided a way to trigger the chakra channel, so it was only a 1-part chakra pulse. The vagueness of the words I assume also help with using it easily, as it doesn't hinder the intent of the chakra any user inputs."

Essentially this was a pretty complicated seal with an easy trigger so anyone could use it, but not anyone could make it. Also the chakra in every stroke was just— well it was of excellent quality. Even I could see the blood mixed into it. No amount of copying on my part could produce something this chakra potent.

I ﬁnally caught Orochimaru's eyes and I gulped nervously. Kami, this man was both creepy and oddly charismatic. His yellow snake like eyes screamed both danger and intelligence, and his posture was angled in a way that made him look both relaxed and ready to strike. He looked a hundred times more like a Sannin than the pervert I had met not a week ago. Beautiful, intelligent, and dangerous.

_I need to be that._

"A keen mind indeed. How old are you?"

"U-um six," I said nervously. Kami, don't ask a kid for their age! It's just plain creepy. To my dismay Orochimaru practically purred at that information. I felt my skin prickle in goose bumps as alarm bells rang in my head. Ohmygoshhadijusttalkedtoapedophile?!!

"So young and already so much knowledge," he said in a suddenly very silky voice, getting too close as his long ﬁngers twirled my green hair.

I just remained frozen in place in utter shock and fear as the Sannin looked at me in a whole new way.

"Which clan do you belong to?"

"I-I don't have a clan. My parents are civilians."

There was a bit of surprise on his face before it schooled into a thoughtful smile. Much to my relief he pulled his ﬁngers from my hair and stepped back. He suddenly seemed much less interested in me, going back to that calm more instructive stance he took before.

"Impressive. I didn't come from a clan myself, but knowledge is given to those who search. You are willing and so a Clan is not necessary."

I nodded in agreement. I didn't need a Clan. Sure it would be easier to get to places with a Clan's backing, and 90 percent of the Shinobi who made Jounin had a Clan backing, but Minato was just some orphan kid, and so was Jiriya and they would make it far. Orochimaru, despite going wayward in his quest for power would also be incredibly strong.

"Thank you, Orochimaru-sama. Now I just have to rub it into that troublesome man's face!"

Orochimaru gave me a nod of approval at that, before abruptly leaving. Huh... what an unexpected encounter. I hoped he wouldn't remember me in the future though. I quite liked not being roped into inhumane experiments and dubiously moral situations if I could help it. Now I just needed to ﬁnd Jiraiya.

Wait how exactly was I meant to ﬁnd him?

_Dammit!_

* * *

I spent the whole day running to every hot spring house in Konoha, scouting the area and startling a lot of people with my intense focus. I needed to ﬁnd that stupid sage and rub it into his face! Then I could get some more direction from him because I would never go to Orochimaru for something if I could help it. I also doubted I would be welcomed by the snake-man if I ever decided to just 'drop on by'. The talk he had with me was probably and hopefully just a one of thing. Jiraiya however, I was very sure would not kill me or experiment on my body without my permission, so I decided it was ok to bother him.

Hmm... maybe he went back out on a mission? He was a spy master, so it was kind of stupid of me to assume he was still around. This was war time; he was probably extremely busy right now. This was my last day of my supposed vacation and I was hunting around a perverted idiot who could level a whole mountain if he wanted to! What was my life coming to? I'd have better luck pinning down Minato to learn Fuinjutsu. His wife was an Uzumaki too. If I remembered correctly, the Uzumaki were born to do Fuinjutsu.

I sighed as I slumped down on a tree branch, squatting on it and pouting. Kami, I was being pathetic. I was only a 6-year-old genin, not a Clan kid, deﬁnitely not an important Jinchuriki with important parents. Of course Jiriya wouldn't care about that one message he left me a week ago while we were in the middle of war. It was stupid of me to overestimate anyone's obligations to me. Even Shikaku, Hanami and Gaku barely had time for me unless they were assigned to for their jobs. And my family— well I preferred not to think about them.

I let out a loud sigh through my nose, before looking back up at the sky, at the birds that ﬂew on by. This life was stupidly lonely. I was constantly surrounded by people and it felt like they weren't even there. I wanted, brieﬂy, to go back to my previous life where my parents loved me, where my job didn't risk my death, where information was free and open and where _Cat_ was still there to pull me into her embrace at the end of the day… to wholly belong to one person who never left my side.

I was a 35-year-old bio-chemist named Joanne Linus. I am a 6-year-old Genin named Suzuki Hina. I was and am both, and it was confusing and tiring and altogether a mess. I usually had training or the threat of my immanent death to pull me away from these depressing thoughts, but right now I didn't have either. I just had the sinking feeling of loneliness creeping through my bones, settling into my heart with a cold chill that froze over the thoughts and feelings that usually combated my darker prospects.

I knew logically I wasn't alone. Dad still loved me. Taichi, while being apprehensive, was too meek and kind-hearted to ever hate me. Hanami and Shikaku only saw me as little as they did because they had no other choice in the matter. Gaku-sensei loved me and treated me as a previous Kohai.

I let out a growl of frustration, jumping back down to the wall where I had ﬁrst met Jiriya. I folded a note which detailed my ﬁndings and left it there. If he found it then it was good, if he didn’t, I could live with that. It was my stupid idea to set a time limit to a challenge that he issued indeﬁnitely. It was my stupid idea to leave him instead of demanding a lesson then and there, in nothing but a towel or not.

I huffed in anger, mostly at myself as I stalked to the Academy. I wanted to talk to Guy. It was impossible to be sad around his immeasurable optimism, and screw not training. I needed to get my head out of my ass. This week off was meant to be relaxing, not stress inducing. I snuck in through the wall and ambushed Guy in his lunchtime run.

"HINA-CHAN, WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE?"

"I was bored," I shrugged looking away.

"Do you want to train with me! I was meaning to ﬁnd you today, so this is the most opportune coincidence!"

"Oh really, what for?" I asked curiously.

Guy's face turned red and he began to stutter in embarrassment before he deﬂected my question. I quirked a brow, watching him run of to get his bag. He was normally the type to ﬁnd skipping class un-youthful. I wondered why he was agreeing so freely. He came sprinting back not a moment later, throwing his backpack on. It was a comical sight for sure and it continued when I had to throw him over the Academy wall because he didn't know how to walk up it. I jumped down like a particularly agile cat, next to his fallen form as he jumped up with extra fervour.

"Yosh! Let's go!"

"To the river?" I asked, hopefully.

"To the river!" Guy agreed.

We ran there, in a silent competition which I lost much to my irritation. Guy was a speed demon that even I couldn't beat. I was close though and I vowed to surpass him. We were eternal rivals after all! I felt vindictively happy that I took that title from Kakashi.

"You are getting really fast Hina-chan!" Guy exclaimed with a bright smile.

"That's coming from you. Speed demon," I huffed, tucking my bangs behind my ear.

"T-Thank you! I will prove myself worthy of such a title!"

"Oh— hahaha, it's ok Guy. Beating me is enough proof isn't it? You wanted to give me something right?" I asked changing the subject quickly.

Why was Guy acting so weird? I'd never seen him act so ﬂustered before, not even when the other kids teased him incessantly for not being able to use jutsu. I watched him fumble through his bag and pull out a dark green box with a blue ribbon on it. He jerked the box at me shyly. Honestly, what the heck had gotten into the kid? I took it quickly from his hands just to spare him more embarrassment.

"Ah, what's this for?" I asked curiously.

"W- well you threw me a birthday party and we couldn't celebrate yours as you were on a most youthful mission for Konoha! So I got you a birthday present!"

"Thanks Guy, that's sweet," I said with a genuine smile.

I opened the box to ﬁnd two silver hair pins. On each end was a ﬂower studded with emeralds. My eyes widened. Geeze this looked expensive! Guy must have used up his entire savings on this. I gaped at him eyes wide. I expected like a friendship bracelet or something. He was only six. This was just... wow.

"Wow— thanks! This is— this is amazing!"

"It's for your bangs! I know they get in the way during training sometimes! You always tuck them behind your ears!"

"Oh, you noticed," I said in disbelief.

"Come, on try them on!"

"Ok!"

I clipped my bangs behind my ears and giggled. I didn't often giggle, but every time I felt that odd and foreign feeling of being girly it just came out of my mouth. It was actually kind of nice.

"How do I look?" I asked, sticking a goofy pose.

"Cute."

Huh? Guy hadn't screamed that out. He just whispered it with that goofy smile on his face before he realised what he had done. _Huh???_

"I-um! I d-d-didn't mean! Uh! I like you Hina-chan!"

"Oh, I like you too Guy," I said, ﬁxing the clip.

"Y-you do?"

I looked back at the kid. His face was very red. He looked about ready to pass out. His normally assured body posture looked embarrassed, ﬂustered and totally unsure.

_Ohh._

OHHHHH! I felt the heat rise to my cheeks too as I stared wide eyed and gaping at him. I opened my mouth to say anything, anything at all, but nothing came out. I closed it, opened it again and decided I had no idea what I was meant to say.

He was just a kid! Oh Kami, am I a pedo? Oh no, _he_ asked me out. I just have to let him down. But he looks so embarrassed and cute, I can't just break his heart! He's barely even lived a decade so he could get over a rejection, right? What did kids even consider dating? The worst would be holding hands and looking awkward around each other, right?

_Oh Kami, what do I say?_

"We sure are the best of friends! I like you a lot too!"

Yes, just like that Hina. Play it off. Play it cool, like you didn't understand it. You can deal with rejecting a little kid and breaking their heart later. You wouldn't even think of dating until you are twenty!

I kept urging myself in my head to calm down. I just didn't expect anyone to fall for me here. I looked— well I wasn't that cute. In fact, in my normal clothes, I looked like a little boy. My eyes had sunken in bags, and they looked kind of dull from constant lack of sleep and I had kind of a slumped posture outside of sparring. I just wasn't someone you would fall for. It made this unexpected surprise all the more surprising.

"O-oh..."

Damn I made Guy sad. I wanted to hug him, and pat his head like I normally did, but it suddenly seemed very inappropriate. So instead I decided to distract him with the next best thing.

"Why don't we test out the hair pins? Let's spar Guy!"

"Yosh! I will do my best!" he exclaimed, perking up slowly.

I grinned at him. He was a cute kid, and a treasured friend. A silly boy crush would never change that, and I was sure he'd get his eyesight back and get over me soon enough. In the end he had thoroughly distracted me from more depressing thoughts.


	11. Chapter 11

The week I had free ended and honestly it was a hectic week. I had my ﬁrst dinner at sensei's place where I became a full blown ﬁrebender. I went to a hot spring and was peeped on by Jiraiya the Toad Sannin. I blackmailed the man and ended up being outwitted not so soon after and left with a challenge of my own making. I studied Fuinjutsu and struck up a conversation with Orochimaru of all people. Then Guy confessed his feelings to me.

Wow, and here I thought it was meant to be a week off. I came out of it stupidly tired and mentally drained, but with more information on Fuinjutsu and cute hair pins too. It was fun while it lasted, but I was more than ready to start training again. I needed to get stronger. This war wasn't going anywhere, anytime soon and after that things were just going to get worse.

I walked down to training ground 3. Sensei liked the place, and if we ever bumped into Kakashi and Minato, I would get a sparring partner for the day. It was a good exchange. Today however there was no Kakashi or Minato. I could sense Gaku-sensei and Yama doing their own laps. Even Jounin needed to train after all. Witnessing my sensei sprint was kind of terrifying. Jounin were incredibly fast. It made me relieved that Minato had stepped in to save Shisui when he had. There was no way I would have been able to do anything against Iwa's Earthquake.

"Ohayo sensei, Yama" I waved jumping in next to him.

"How was your break kiddo?"

"It was... eventful," I hummed with an amused smile on my face.

"Oh, eventful as in you got yourself a cute boyfriend?" he asked.

I gaped. "W-what?! No! How did you even come to that conclusion anyway?"

He tapped my hair pin and I blushed indignantly. I pulled up a disgusted scowl.

"Guy gave it to me. He's just a kid, so eww."

"You're a kid too _kiddo_ ," he barked a laugh.

I wanted to protest that I was just as old has him mentally, but I just took to huﬃng instead. Sure everyone else could just attribute this to me being childish, but there was no way by all 9 Bijuu that I would even think of dating anyone my age until they were all 20. I would happily remain single until then, if not forever!

"Let's just get back to training sensei," I huffed.

"Eager aren't we. You won't be when you see what I have in store for you."

"Eh? Even worse than throwing stones at me all day?" I asked.

"Oh, you thought that was harsh? I'm going to train you to the bone. The training wheels are off."

I paled. Training wheels? All that hard training from before wasn't the worst he could throw. I clenched my ﬁsts reigning in my negative thoughts. This was to make sure I was strong, so I wouldn't die, so I could help sensei out in the ﬁeld, so I could be useful. No amount of training was too much for me.

"What's the plan?" I asked, taking in a deep breath.

"Our ﬁrst bout of training was conditioning. You have Circle Walk and Tiger Palm down to satisfactory levels. It may be years yet for you to master it, as well as the many forms within."

"There are more forms?" I asked curiously.

"Yes, you have got down the basic katas, but there are several more forms within these two styles that cater to more speciﬁc situations. Circle Walk at its medium to higher levels requires both a clear mind and a mastery of wind element manipulation. There are only two known masters."

"Only two? Sensei... your style— the Beast Fang... how many people have mastered that?" I asked.

"All 10 forms from Beast Fang have only been mastered by 4 Clansmen, only 2 of which are currently alive. It takes years to get to this level. I myself have only mastered 7 forms and that's considered a signiﬁcant amount for my age. To master Circle Walk and Tiger Palm, you will eventually have to seek out their masters. It won’t be anytime soon. For now you will have years to master 5 forms in total from both. Consider this a long-term project."

Wow, this would take forever. I knew logically that I was only 6 so I had a head start in comparison to the rest of my age group, but I wasn't ﬁghting against them. I was ﬁghting against Chunin and Jounin level ninja. Even a Genin level could be dangerous to me, especially when it was a ﬁght to the death. Playing dirty was in the Shinobi way, so I knew there was more to this training plan than sensei just said. Mastering the forms were all well and good, but he was a well-rounded Jounin. He had tracking skills, assassination skills, Ninjutsu, and Taijutsu under his repertoire. I was sure he wasn’t just going to part to me the basics. It seemed, much to my relief, that he was invested in keeping me alive.

"So what else are we going to be doing?" I asked.

"Honing your instincts and senses," he said surprising me.

"Huh?" was my confused response.

Everyone always commented on how I was more of a Nara than an Inuzuka, despite my sensei being from the latter. I had the laid-back demeanour of a Nara, without the whole lazing about everyday kind of attitude— granted it was more out of necessity than anything. Why he thought I could hone my senses like his Clansmen could was beyond me. In the end I was neither Inuzuka nor Nara. I was Suzuki Hina, a civilian born girl with no known family traits to aid.

Sensei tapped his nose. "This is a weapon on its own. I can smell out enemies, I can smell weapons, blood and even fear. Us Inuzuka have sharp noses, and ears. Contrary to widespread belief we didn't get blessed by a dog spirit with these abilities. It was honed by generations of ninja who channelled chakra to their tenketsu around our noses and ears, effectively increasing our capacity in those areas."

"Just like how we reinforce our muscles with chakra," I said in understanding.

"Exactly. That means, my sweet little student. From now on you will be blind."

"Huh?!"

I was glad my eyes weren't gouged out or anything. Instead sensei handed me a pair of circular goggles that were entirely black. I took it and gulped. _Blind?_ How the heck was I meant to ﬁght blind? I put the goggles on anyway and grimaced at not being able to see anything.

"Ok... um sensei? Do I have to ﬁght you blind?"

"No, you just have to ﬁnd me."

I huffed in relief. Thank his kind heart! Even when he said training was going to be hellish, he wasn't cruel.

* * *

I take everything back! He's a cruel, sadistic, son of a bitch! I hissed as another log rammed into my side. I let out a whimper as I grabbed my bruised ribs and stood up to stumble through the trees again. I bumped into more than a few trees and cried out in irritation each time. The evil man had booby-trapped the whole forest! Ever meter or so I was met with a trip wire that threw a log at me, or a trap that set of senbon. I swear three were sticking out of my arms right now. They were really short for senbon so at least he wasn't trying to kill me. That didn't make this torture any better.

It must have been hours. I was out of breath. Me the _stamina demon_ (well at least for my age) was out of breath! I was wheezing painfully. A particularly big log had hit me straight into a tree and bruised my chest, making it hard for me to breathe. I could sense the chakra from the oncoming objects, but not nearly fast enough for me to dodge. It was so disorienting not using sight.

_Trust your instincts my ass!_

It wasn't until another bunch of senbon stabbed through my calves that I realised how the anger and frustration was hindering my ability to think. I stopped running towards sensei's elusive chakra and took in a deep breath. The ﬁrst step to learning Circle Walk had been learning how to breathe. It was a Taijutsu based on the air element. Flow around your opponents, use their movements for your own beneﬁt. Twist with both the ﬂuidity of a breeze and the unpredictability of a storm. Tiger Palm encouraged its user to ﬁght with a ferocity. Combining the two styles reminded me of a ﬁre tornado. I needed to think in the moment, to push past the immanent obstacles and then worry about sensei.

It was easier said than done. I tried to focus on my breathing, to pull the air around me tight with my chakra, but it was still disorienting, not being able to see. The fear of being pummelled into the ground by traps was also something that made me second guess my steps. There was too much stimuli around me to pick apart and ensure my footing worked. I couldn't Circle Walk, let alone dodge. Still I fared slightly better until, it seemed the sun was setting, and I was drenched in perspiration and my own blood. I wanted to faint, but I was so close. Sensei was just beyond the clearing. I ran towards his chakra and found myself losing my footing just when I thought it was ﬁnally over. I fell straight on my butt in a painful heap as a pile of painful twigs and rocks stabbed into me all over. I just groaned, throwing my head back. A basic ground trap! I feel for a basic ground trap! If only I could _see_.

Sensei's chuckle would have made me yelp in frustration if I weren’t so exhausted. He ruﬄed the ground as if he were kneeling down.

"Always expect the unexpected. And—"

"—Look underneath the underneath," I groaned. "Literally this time."

I heard his feet rustle down the dirt wall, a sound I would have normally never focused on with my sight. I felt his hands cup my back and under my knees and it felt so different. Suddenly the sensation of touch and texture and sound was more important. Was this a Mr Miyage moment? It sure felt like it. Yama, bless his cute dog soul, licked my feet, and whined in worry.

"Quit your whining Yama. She's ﬁne. Nothing Nami won't heal."

Yama just barked in an even more worried voice. I would have awwed and cooed at the dog if I weren’t just dead weight in sensei's arms. By Kami, he was warm. If he got to torture me like this, there was no way I wouldn't snuggle into his chest and sleep. I would have been happy in that position if I didn't feel two familiar chakra by the clearing of training ground 3 we had just left.

"Oh kami, no! Sensei, you can't let them see me in this state! Put me down!"

"I'm sure you fractured a bone on your right femur. I'm not going to let you walk on that," Gaku said in a no-nonsense voice before it turned amused. "And it looks like they've already seen you."

I groaned sinking into his arms further to shield myself from my embarrassing situation.

"Gaku-san, Hina-chan. What happened?" Minato asked curiously.

"I upped her training today. Kiddo's got to learn how to ﬁght blind, to hone her other senses," he answered with... was that pride?

"Isn't that an Inuzuka training method? Also why's she so beat up," Kakashi snorted.

"Try going through several acres of forest blind with a bunch of traps every 5 meters," I snapped back and huffed.

It was a little frustrating that I couldn't see their response to my snippy comment. This wasn't like me. I was usually the calm collected one. I was just incredibly embarrassed. Of course Kakashi of all people had to see me in this state. Just my luck.

"Now, now kiddo, you better get used to this. Are you here tomorrow Minato?" Gaku asked.

Minato must have nodded because sensei hmphed in approval. "I would appreciate it if the two gakis could spar."

"Is she going to be blind during the spar?" Kakashi asked in disbelief, before he snorted. "That's going to end it pretty quickly."

"Don't be so sure," I replied with a pout.

"Ok, it's time to go. I won't keep you two from your training. Our little prodigies need to keep up right?" Sensei laughed.

Minato said his goodbye and both I and Kakashi just grunted before I was whisked away in a shunshin. Kami, that was disorienting. I also really needed to learn that. It was stupidly useful. I could sense a number of Inuzuka’s milling around by their chakra in my general vicinity. So we were at the Inuzuka Clan Compound. We soon entered Gaku's house and I was laid on his couch.

"Kami Gaku, are you trying to kill our precious bean?!"

 _Precious bean?_ I groaned as Nami squished my face up against her chest. So _soft_. No! Head out of the gutter right now!

"It's just training," I defended.

"Yeah, the kiddo's been holding up alright. Maybe in a couple of weeks, she'll be able to reach me."

 _Weeks?!_ Oh Kami, I wanted to wither away and die at that.

"Hina-chan, I'm going to pull up your shirt to check for injuries. Is that ok? Gaku isn't going to be here for that."

I nodded, wincing as I moved. My whole body was still trembling from exertion. I had never pushed myself this far when it came to training before. Sure I was exhausted, but not to the level of nearly passing out. The training wheels really were off.

The cold air brushed against my exposed chest and I shivered, which subsequently made me wince, which just jostled my wounds more. Overall, not a good feeling... that was until Nami's soft hands trailed over my skin and I felt the warm touch of chakra pool at the area where her hands were.

"Iryo-nin?" I asked in surprise.

"Yes. I know a thing or two, although I'm more of a Taijutsu specialist who happens to know healing jutsu."

"You're really good at it."

"I am a Jounin," she said in amusement.

"Really? I've never seen you in Shinobi gear," I said curiously.

"I ﬁnish my ﬁeld leave in 3 months. Then it's back to ﬁghting for me," she said with a chipper voice, although I knew she was just masking the tiredness behind it.

"War kinda sucks huh," I whispered.

"It does," she replied softly.

"In a perfect world, I'd be a scientist, and we would spar for fun. We'd all go for morning runs with Yama and eat Dango after."

I don't know why I was saying it that way. With the goggles over my eyes, being unable to see anything, it was just suddenly so easy to picture that elusive dream.

"That's a nice goal Hina-chan," Nami said with a pleased tone to her voice.

"Really? It doesn't come off a bit unrealistic or selﬁsh?" I asked.

"It's never selﬁsh to wish for happiness."

I felt her ﬁngers pull my bangs off my face to let the cool air hit the now exposed skin. I smiled, a rare small smile. It was good, I think, to be told it was ok to wish for things to get easier. To be selﬁsh for one’s own happiness.

"Ow!"

I jolted as Nami picked out a senbon from my arm. There went that sappy moment. She let out a chuckle as she went about picking out the rest from my body and then healing me up. God medic-jutsu was broken.

"Are you ladies done?" Gaku called.

"Yes we are! Are you going to come here and take care of your student now you lazy ass?!"

"Yes woman, geeze."

I chuckled as I heard Sensei yelp. Nami had probably punched him somewhere. They battered for a bit before I waved Nami a goodbye and I felt Sensei come sit next to me.

"Can, I take these off now?" I asked.

"No. Those stay on until your training is complete."

What?! No way? Seriously???

"Troublesome man," I grumbled.

Sensei just chuckled evilly at that. Fuck my life.

* * *

Unsurprisingly going home blind was an exercise in patience. A few of the Jounin I asked directions from seemed to realise I wasn’t really blind and were amused if their tone was anything to go by. It got infinitely more awkward stumbling my way through the civilian district and asking the people there for directions to my own house. I normally refrained from talking to them, mostly because my family was already considered odd because of me. My current situation was probably going to make my family be considered weirder.

After about an extra 30 or so minutes of just wandering lost, I managed to spot my father’s chakra signature and patted the door to find the handle. I could sense feint traces of chakra in living things, like wood and grass, but it was blank when it came to stones or trees that were cut. The logs that had swung down on my had very little, if no chakra in them because they were dead. The handle to the door was made out of metal, which was why finding it was rather troublesome. I eventually did after a while of scrambling and then I entered the shop.

“Hina—are you hurt?”

It was dad’s voice. He sounded kind of worried. I shook my head patting the area in front of me and bumping slightly into a table by the door before dad hugged me. He seemed worried.

“I’m not hurt. Sensei’s just got me training on honing my senses, so I’m going to have to be blind indefinitely,” I said tapping my goggles.

“That’s a bit cruel. Why aren’t you allowed to take them off after training?” he asked.

I shrugged. “Gaku-sensei knows what he’s doing.”

“You trust him an awful lot.”

Was that disapproval? Huh, maybe dad didn’t trust ninja much either. I had no idea what beef they had with the people protecting them, but I figured it wasn’t any of my concern if they weren’t willing to tell me.

“He’s a Jounin tousan. He knows what he’s doing,” I reasoned.

“Ok, but let me help you—”

“—While that would be helpful, it would kind of defeat the purpose of the training,” I interrupted, pushing his hand away gently.

He didn’t reply for a bit, so I just quirked a brow. He laughed nervously at that. “Sorry, I just nodded.”

“Ugh, this is going to take some getting used to,” I grumbled.

“Well, make sure you don’t train anymore tonight ok. You look more and more exhausted every day.”

“Ok tousan,” I agreed with a huff.

He pushed up my hitaite and kissed me on my forehead before letting my go on my way. Taichi ambushed me by my room and after a bit of explaining, he too decided to join in my training for a solid 5 minutes before giving up. He had tied a bit of cloth over his eyes before bumping around. Stubbing his toe did it for him though. He gave up promptly after that. Was he crying? Sometimes I forgot just how normal civilian children were. Here I was getting stabbed and soldiering through the process, while my older brother could barely stand the pain of stubbing a toe. It was normal. I used to be like that in my first life too. I pet his head calmingly and told him I needed to go take a shower.

It was significantly harder traversing the landscape of a house. All the materials were dead, with no chakra coming from them, so I had to use my ears, nose, and touch to get by. Maybe sensei was right about me keeping it on at all times. This was a frustrating task for sure, but I wouldn’t complain. I would do anything to get stronger.

* * *

“I’m sorry I’m late!”

“You got lost kiddo?” Gaku-sensei laughed.

“It’s not my fault! It’s hard to get around blind,” I grumbled.

“Are you sure you are up to sparring Kakashi today Hina-chan?” Minato asked, both amused and concerned all at once.

I shrugged, terribly unsure. “It’s been a while and I want to see how strong he’s gotten but being blind and all isn’t going to make this fair. Let’s just get on with it.”

“Ok, winner is the first to incapacitate or go for a killing blow.”

We both stood five feet apart from each other and bowed. Kakashi was being stupidly silent. I could barely hear his movements. When Minato said begin, we both jumped, me towards Kakashi, and Kakashi away from me. I was surprised to note that speed wise we were both the same. I used chakra slide to swerve to Kakashi’s left. I knew he would twist his body towards me, probably to throw a fist or a kunai. I used form 2 of Circle Step: _Drift of the Storm Evasive Manoeuvre_ , to angle around his body, sticking to his back. Unfortunately for me, I didn’t realise he had drawn his kunai, at least not with my lack of ability to pinpoint inorganic objects. I managed to dodge away just in time before the kunai could slash at my arm, but I had stepped back far too much in my sudden indecision.

“Pathetic.”

 _Seriously Kakashi?_ I didn’t get angry though. How was I meant to get angry at a kid who’d just recently lost his father to suicide, who was taken out to war, and let to fester in violence and anger. I just felt sympathy for Kakashi. There was no way he was coming out of this war unscarred and unchanged. He had already changed plenty. He was no longer the kind, silent yet competitive child I had first met at the park. Now he was ruthless, cold, and power hungry. A kind of anger bubbled in his chakra, fluctuating it wildly around his tenketsu.

The fight was already lost. The only way I even had a chance of winning was staying in arms range of him. My Ninjutsu was pathetically weak, and without my sight to aid me, I was sure to miss whatever precision attacks I normally possessed. I was fighting what was essentially a blob of chakra I had to constantly paint a picture of in my head. My movements were slow and Kakashi’s shuriken were hard to dodge. It all happened to suddenly. He body flickered behind me and twisted me into a tight hold.

“Kakashi you’ve won. You can let go now,” Minato said.

I grunted as his painful weight left my back. I stood up and twisted the kinks out of my body. Dammit, that ended too quickly. I barely even put up a fight! I rubbed the bridge of my nose before pinpointing Kakashi’s chakra and bowing to him. I had only some idea if he bowed back.

“How long have you been training blind Hina-chan?” Minato asked curiously.

“I only started yesterday. I will get better,” I replied defensively.

“Don’t beat yourself up over it. You’ve only just begun.”

“How long are you and Kakashi-kun going to be here for?” I asked, dusting my knees.

“For about another two weeks. We’re on sanctioned training leave, but I feel like Kakashi learns better on the job,” Minato hummed.

I nodded, not knowing what else to say, before Gaku-sensei roughly grabbed me in a pseudo chokehold from the side and began speaking in his hearty Inuzuka growly voice.

“My little gaki lost terribly today! Not to worry, I’ll make sure she’s in tip-top shape. She’s going to spar your little prodigy every day until she wins. Isn’t that right _kiddo_?”

“Hai sensei,” I sighed.

Minato barked a laugh at that. Traitor! At least feel sorry for me! Unfortunately for me, my training did not have to do with any cool Ninjutsu Minato was teaching Kakashi. I was taken back to the forest of death again. I groaned as sensei instructed me once more to get myself through it and find him.

“Remember kiddo, use all your senses. Your chakra sense is handy for sure, but you aren’t feeling the wind, you aren’t smelling the metal and you aren’t hearing the sounds. Use that chakra control of yours to push your chakra where it matters.”

“Hai sensei!”

“Now, let’s go again!”

I tried my absolute best to get through the acres of trapped forest without getting hurt. I found that it was easier to focus on the feel of the air around me when logs came flying my way, or when large stones hurtled in my direction. But it was vague and didn’t give me enough time to dodge, so I ended up pummelled. It took me a while before I decided to smell the rope on a trap I had already triggered. It well—it smelled like rope and dirt. Nothing much to it, other than my musings on whether I could continue to pick out this scent for further warning on other traps around me. It did actually help on the occasion. I had to consciously be sniffing every second of my run though, which was making my progress slower. I needed to be fast to get through this field. Yesterday I had run in blindly, taking the blows and going regardless because that’s what it took to get through. I couldn’t afford to be slow.

Unfortunately going faster meant I barely had any time to react to the traps again, and actively sniffing out for rope and metal while running and keeping the rest of my senses alert was _hard._ I ended up getting to sensei much the same way as I did the day before; that is to say, beaten, bloodied and exhausted.

“Hmm, marginally better kiddo. Another month at this rate and you’ll be ready!”

A whole _month_ at being blind! I wanted to shrivel up and die at the thought. Once again sensei picked me up, this time deeming me safe enough to sit on his shoulders rather than to be carried like a princess. I rested my chin on his head, enjoying the feel of his stupidly soft hair against my chin. He could be a demon in training, but outside of it, he treated me like his own kid. Maybe they just wanted children. Sometimes I wonder if that’s why Nami took a liking to me so quickly, despite only meeting me a few times before. I wasn’t going to complain. I enjoyed their company. They were practically family at this stage.

“Hey sensei—”

“Yeah kiddo?”

“Did you ever want to be anything other than a Shinobi before?” I asked.

“Hmm… Yes.”

“You gonna tell me?” I asked curiously.

“No”

“Oh come on~ Please. Pretty please.”

“I’ll let you keep guessing. It’s more fun that way,” he laughed.

“Ugh, troublesome man,” I grumbled.

“It’s a wonder the Nara clan hasn’t adopted you already,” Gaku-sensei huffed in amusement.

“Shikaku-san would have for Hanami-sensei, if he could,” I chuckled.

“No fair, I thought you’d rather be an Inuzuka,” sensei laughed.

“Are you kidding me? Your clans should merge. Cute dogs mixed with lazy Nara, all lounging around star gazing—now that sounds like a cool Clan. No stuffy doujutsu allowed.”

“That does sound like fun,” sensei agreed amiably.

I chuckled and we walked into the night, a smile taking my face. 


	12. Chapter 12

I thought the world had been dull, if not completely unbearable blind when I first started out. It was infuriating how I got lost, or how easily I bumped into things I couldn’t sense. It wasn’t until I learnt to calm down, to use my other senses as much as I used my vision before, that I realised how vibrant the world was despite losing my sight. Everything around me had a smell, a texture and even a sound that I hadn’t heard before. I could suddenly paint a picture of a world around me full of vibration, fragrances, and sensations unlike any I had felt before. I did miss seeing the twinkle of the night sky, the gradient of a sunset, and the rustling of Konoha’s deep green trees, but now I had a whole new appreciation for that as well.

I could dodge the traps set about me with effort now. I wasn’t perfect at it, and sometimes I managed to miss a senbon coming my way. Sensei’s traps had also become more and more elaborate now and infinitely less predictable. I had managed to get through the forest every day with a little less injury, and a little faster. Progress was slow for me. I was no prodigy. If anything I was like Guy, with a tad bit more talent in other areas. My natural talent for chakra control was my only redeeming feature. Everything else was achieved by hours and hours of training. I never complained though. I had a personal no complaints policy. If I complained it was in my own head, never out loud, because spoken words had power, and complaining led to complacency. I didn’t have the privilege of complacency yet.

I stumbled into sensei as I finished the forest trap course again. I let out a few tired breaths as I took a moment to compose myself.

“Good work kiddo. You’ve gotten the hang of things. I think you’re ready to take off those goggles now.”

I jolted up in surprise, then excitement and then I frowned slowly.

“What’s wrong?” sensei asked.

“I’m not nearly good enough. 4 logs still hit me on the way here,” I grumbled.

“You’ve done the best you could.”

“It’s not nearly enough. I heard from another Inuzuka. You master this training in 3 weeks,” I bit out uncomfortably.

“Hina,” sensei sighed, and it wasn’t every day he said my name. “The people who master this training have Inuzuka blood, which in and of itself helps us have already better senses than most other people. They are also much older than you and have been using their other senses for longer, and even then, not every Inuzuka can get this down.”

I bit my lip and angled my head up and sighed. “I know… it’s just that I want to be _strong._ I know I’m not the quickest or the best at learning things, but I don’t want to be treated like I can’t perfect something just because of my age or my lack of Shinobi blood.”

“You’re always in a rush,” Gaku sighed in a bit of frustration and fondness.

“I’d like to think it’s warranted since we’re in war,” I pointed out with an amused snort.

“Yeah, it’s just that I’ve never met a kid your age this eager,” he chuckled sadly.

“There’s no time for being a child, not now,” I replied, feeling a pang of loss as I thought about Kakashi.

“I know kiddo. Ok, you can keep those goggles on, but we don’t want your eyesight deteriorating so for the next three days you’ll wear a bandage around them, and then you will use your sight again for another 3 days before we continue with those goggles.”

I nodded, not even bothering to argue. Just because I wanted to hone my other senses, didn’t mean I wanted to lose my sight forever. I took off my goggles and let sensei tie the thin cloth around my eyes. Even now the feeling of light hitting my eyes was intense in and of itself. I couldn’t imagine having to go from being blind to seeing all of a sudden and was suddenly so grateful for the cloth.

The next 6 days, sensei taught me breathing exercises and I took it easy as I worked on my katas and precision training with shuriken while being unable to see. It was considerably easier work than the past month. I spent my time practicing incorporating my awesome fire bending moves into my kata, much to my sensei’s amusement. He thought it had potential in the future, but it was a lot less useful than I made it out to be. I think he just let me do it, because I acted like a kid when it came to using that. It couldn’t be helped. Avatar the Last Airbender was my favourite show as a child, and there was no way I was passing out becoming Zuko in real life no matter how old I mentally was.

Getting my sight back was something I couldn’t describe with words. It was amazing. It was like a whole new world, especially now that it worked in tandem with my other, more enhanced senses. It was amazing. I think I grinned like a madman for the 3 days I was allowed to see, and I spent more time in the library reading up on things I was missing out on. Unfortunately, I had work to do, and senses to hone. My 3 days being able to see was over and I put my training goggles back on reluctantly.

I didn’t have Kakashi to spar with for my second training month. He’d left after 2 weeks of consecutively kicking my ass. It left the competitive part of me writhing in indignation. I wanted to beat him at least once and then rub it in his smug face. Unfortunately it wouldn’t even be worth it because I’d be unable to see his expression if that even happened. I sighed at the thought as I jumped up from my stretching.

“Sensei, what’s the plan for training now? More death traps?” I mused.

“I’m glad you asked my precious little kohai. I’ve left several scrolls in the forest for you. 6 scrolls are trapped and only 2 contain a special prize. Let’s see if you can find them.”

“What’s the time limit?” I asked.

“Oh the next two months.”

“Why, would I need two months to find some scrolls?” I asked incredulously.

“Why little _kohai,_ because you’ll be chased by me the whole time.”

“What?!”

“Times ticking my _precious_ _little_ _bean_. If I catch you, you’re going to be punished with a hundred push ups! I’ll give you a five-minute head start!”

I didn’t have the time to complain. I was flustered sure, but I _needed_ to get moving. I ran on head when I felt the air current to my right change as the familiar sound of kunai rushed by me.

“What the hell! Why is the place still trapped?!” I cried.

Where would I even start when it came to look for a scroll in this mess?! There were hundreds of kilometres of land to get through! I was so lost in thought that I completely forgot sensei was meant to be chasing me on top of it all. I ran like a crazy person with him on my tail, fumbling through the many traps, going through several very painful near misses until I was toppled to the ground by the man.

“A 100 push ups! Now!”

I groaned. Fuck my life.

* * *

A whole month of this ungodly training. A whole _month_ and I finally got 3 hours to spare before my final session blind! I let out a sigh as I slumped down by the river near the bridge. A few Uchiha milled around since it was close to their district. The bridge nearby was considered the lover’s bridge, and it was usually the Uchiha that got asked out on dates, because other than having the most broken doujutsu on the planet, they also had the prettiest faces. I thought it was a little unfair how much they were born with, then again it was unfair that I was born with my previous life’s memories, so it kind of evened out the unfairness.

“You look like shit.”

“Gee thanks Asuma-kun. I know I look beautiful,” I huffed. What a blunt little brat.

He snorted. “But you’ve been getting better. You’re not bumping into things anymore, and your footwork is looking good.”

Huh, now I felt bad for my sass earlier. “Thanks,” I said evenly, as I let out a breath and enjoyed the sun on my skin. “What does the clouds look like today?”

“Fluffy,” Kurenai chuckled.

“You guys are boring! We should be training. Traininnnnng!” Obito whined.

“I don’t know, this is very nice,” Rin objected from opposite me.

“Then shall we train together Obito-kun! Your youthful enthusiasm has invigorated me!”

“In-vigrated?” Obito asked perplexed. “I don’t understand those fancy words, but I accept! I’m going to kick your ass this time Guy!”

The two boys sauntered off down by the river to start their Taijutsu battle, which at this stage was less taijutsu and more just a brawl. I sighed. Children. Well at least it was good to see them having fun. I just wanted to lie on this soft grass forever, soaking up the sun. Why couldn’t I have been reborn a tree?

“Vege-chan—”

“What is it Asuma?” I sighed in exasperation.

“You know water walking right? You have to teach me.”

“Hmm… do you know how to tree walk yet?”

“No—”

“Then learn that first and then come back to me.”

“I can climb a tree with my hands. I don’t get the need to walk up it,” Asuma grumbled.

“Why, that’s very Nara of you,” I chuckled a reply.

“Asuma-kun is lazy. Don’t encourage it,” Kurenai replied with a tinge of irritation. “Plus, we can’t bug Hina-chan about training today. She only gets a few hours with us.”

That’s right. I felt a little bad about not being able to spend more time with the kids. They were going to be my future peers. I had yet to meet Genma or some of the others from the manga yet, but I was sure they’d be great allies in the future.

“Hina-chan?”

I jerked up at that familiar voice. The kids seemed interested too. I turned around and cocked my head and furrowed my brows. The boy had a familiar chakra presence to him. Then it clicked.

“Shisui-kun,” I greeted, a grin splitting my face.

He walked up to me, his feet rustling the ground beneath him, and then in a familiar older brother fashion he patted my head. I couldn’t help but chuckle in amusement. No wonder why Itachi was attached to this kid.

“Who’s the cute Uchiha,” Kurenai whispered to me as she nudged me.

“This is Uchiha Shisui. We met during my station at the border post,” I said rolling my eyes, although they probably didn’t see it behind the goggles anyway.

“Why are you wearing those Hina-chan? Are you hurt?” he asked worriedly.

“No, it’s just for training. I’m learning to hone my other senses,” I explained placatingly.

Shisui sighed in relief. I sniffed the air and looked in the direction of the really nice smell. Shisui chuckled as he patted the box in his hands.

“Takoyaki?” I asked.

“How did you know?”

I tapped my nose. I couldn’t see his expression, so I didn’t know how to proceed. Thankfully he spoke quickly, probably realising that I couldn’t read his body language.

“I was going to sit outside to eat. Kaasan always makes more than I need, so do you want to share?”

It smelt delicious, _and_ I was hungry, so I just nodded. We went back to sitting by the grass. Rin was very interested in Shisui. I couldn’t fault her. He was definitely good looking from memory, and he was older than her. I remembered having heaps of fleeting crushes at her age for cute older girls and boys.

“Shisui-kun, you graduated early?” Rin asked.

“Yes, I’ve been a Genin for about a year now,” he said a little reservedly.

“Oh you must have the coolest genin team and sensei then,” Rin continued.

Ah, the woes of being a starry eyed, little innocent six-year-old. Rin had ventured into territory she shouldn’t have. Shisui shut off instantly, his chakra fluctuating and pooling around his eyes. Had he activated his Sharingan after losing his sensei? I shuddered as I remembered the Iwa-Jounin who had very nearly killed the boy and me.

“How’s Yugao-san and Hayate-san?” I asked, pulling the boy away from his darkening mood.

“They’re training hard. Yugao especially. At the rate she’s going, she’s going to make ANBU,” he said, a hint of pride in his voice.

“I’m sure you will to,” I grinned.

“Hmm, not as soon as you will little miss prodigy,” he replied amiably.

I snorted. Me in ANBU. Unlikely. It was too troublesome of a job. I didn’t know much about it, but the idea of being deployed on S rank missions didn’t sound very appealing. It sounded like you were signing yourself away for a delayed death. I kind of did that to myself by graduating so early so maybe I should reconsider just how sane I am too.

“Ne, Shisui-san, can you teach me how to water walk?” Asuma asked.

I rolled my eyes. Here we go again.

* * *

After two hours basking in the sun, chatting with the kids in relative peace, my free time was over. I waved goodbye to the kids. Guy cried all over me stating he had accidentally used up our time together to spar with Obito. I felt a little bad that I couldn’t reciprocate his puppy-crush on me. After convincing myself (yet again) that he would eventually find another girl to actually fall in love with, I ran back to the training ground. I decided to jump onto the rooftops this time, easily running like I did with my eyesight. It took a bit of extra effort, but I actually managed to do it.

When I entered the training ground, I ducked and rolled as several kunai hit the ground. Then I channelled chakra to my ears and nose and yelped in shock as I parried away a kunai to my face. Sensei was in front of me, his chakra suppressed so I couldn’t sense him. I just had to use my nose and the air currents then! He was going easy on me, but as I stumbled to parry his blows, being pushed away with every attack, I was reminded yet again why he was a Jounin and I was not.

“Kiddo, you gotta give it your all. Come at me with the intent to kill!”

“Hai!”

I used chakra slide to swoop up behind him, only dodging when Yama bit at my legs. Then I jumped into the fray, trading blows with sensei as he and Yama teamed up on me. I stumbled back as Yama pincered me from the side, and as sensei came at me from the left. Yama didn’t bite down on my leg, but his sharp teeth were over it regardless and I could feel sensei’s kunai against my throat.

“Good job kiddo,” he said before pulling the kunai away from me.

“I lost though,” I pointed out with a huff.

“You were fighting against a Jounin, who ambushed you and lasted more than a minute. You did good,” he said exasperatedly.

 _Not good enough,_ I wanted to say, but I kept that to myself. Gaku-sensei had it in him that I was too hard on myself. He wasn’t exactly wrong, but me being hard on myself was what made sure I didn’t die out there. We only had 3 more weeks of training before we were assigned our next mission.

“I’d say a few more months training blind and you’d master your senses. Unfortunately we don’t have that kind of time. Take the next week to recuperate your eyes, and I’ll be teaching you, your first B rank Ninjutsu.”

I perked up at that. Oh my god what a monument! I knew elemental manipulation was hard, that only really Chunin, and Uchiha children were expected to begin learning any form of elemental manipulation. I had exceptional chakra control, which was why I was allowed to even learn a few easy E rank and D rank fire elemental jutsu. Sometimes I wondered if I really was a prodigy. It was in moments like this that I felt stupidly prideful.

“What jutsu?” I asked eagerly.

“It’s known as the Walking in Winds technique. It’s a wind jutsu that is often accompanied by the Circle Walk style. It exponentially increases your speed by cutting wind resistance.”

“I thought the chakra slide was for getting faster,” I said in confusion.

“Chakra slide was a chakra control technique for the Walking in Winds technique.”

What? So sensei had me do something for months to perfect an even better jutsu. What a crafty man! How much more hidden training had he given me to start me on my Tai and Ninjutsu journey? I felt giddy with excitement at the prospects.

“Walking in Winds—ugh let’s just call it the Wind Walker… who names these techniques? Anyway, the _Wind Walker_ , is a supplementary Jutsu, in that it’s used to aid. Sometimes it can abet… if you get what I mean.”

“Um sensei, you need a moment to catch your thoughts?” I asked with an amused huff.

He looked a little unsure on how to continue so he just nodded before taking out a scroll and reading it again.

“The concept’s a little foreign to me to be honest. It’s a mixture of chakra slide in that, chakra slide is the propulsion aspect of the technique. You purse your body inwards before letting out a string of chakra through your feet. With the amount of times you’ve used it now, the tenketsu at your feet should be as well controlled, if not more so than the ones in your hands. Are you following?”

I nodded before frowning a little. “Is that why I can use Fire Release through my feet? And here I thought I was just a natural.”

Sensei laughed at my petulant look before continuing with his explanation. “If chakra slide is a propulsion technique, then the second part to Wind Walking, is manipulating the air in front of you. You apparently have to create a kind of vacuum in which you push the wind to either ends of your body. The chakra training exercise her is pretty vigorous. You’ll have to move a pile of leaves evenly in two stacks at the same time. So get to collecting some leaves.”

“Hai! Um, sensei…”

“Yes?”

“I’ve only learnt one form from Tiger Palm. I know it’s a Clan Taijutsu, but can I learn more?”

“There are 6 forms kiddo, 3 of which are open to the public.”

I frowned. That seemed incredibly nepotic. Why bar non-clan members to essential information regarding techniques if it meant life or death? I was kind of annoyed. Actually annoyed was an understatement. This was _unfair._ It was like the whole world was against civilian born children. While Clan kids were taught incredible techniques that their families perfected and horded for generations, civilian kids were left with half formed Taijutsu and basic Ninjutsu. Only the truly smart and adaptable ones like Minato, Orochimaru and Jiriya managed to get by, and that’s because they had to learn things on their own.

_Oh_

The test Jiriya gave me. No prior information given, just a seal and a challenge to decode it. It suddenly put everything into perspective. That was how Jiriya learnt. No one, unless they were born lucky, was handed anything in this world. Knowledge was power, and for those unfortunate enough to be born without, they had to figure things out on their own. Suddenly I was very grateful for Gaku-sensei, and Hanami-sensei and even Shikaku-san. They had all helped me in their own ways because despite everyone touting Clan loyalties, they did care about others on a fundamental level. The reason why sensei was teaching me as much as he could about his own Clan styles, the reason why he also took a style from Suna to merge it together wasn’t because he didn’t want to give me all his Clan knowledge, but because he wanted me to succeed in spite of it.

I suddenly felt very stupid for getting angry. I let out a harsh breath through my nose and nodded. If there was anything, I was getting from this, it was that I wanted to be strong despite everything. There was no use lamenting about the fact that I wasn’t born into the ideal position. I had that in my previous life. Good parents, paid for education, and an easily lavish and selfish life. I didn’t have that now, but it didn’t mean I couldn’t work for it. I had a sensei who was helping me build my own unique fighting style and I wouldn’t take his help for granted.

“Ok kiddo, once you’re done with that internal monologue why don’t you actually begin training?”

“Huh, how’d you know I was—”

“It’s written all over your face. You should probably invest in a mask soon.”

“And look like I’m copying Kakashi, no thanks,” I replied with a scowl.

“You got yourself a rival huh?”

“I’d like to think Guy is my rival.”

“From the way I see things you’ve got him beat. A true rival is someone who keeps you on your feet, pushes you to improve.”

“Speaking from experience sensei?” I smirked.

He whacked my head. “Don’t get sassy on me now kiddo. Get back to your exercises.”

“Hai~”

He just chuckled, and I went about picking up some leaves to part.

* * *

Like the snap of a finger, the 3 weeks were over. My training period was done, my sight was restored, and I had a grasp on the Wind Walking technique with no real way to use it in combat. It was frustrating sure, but necessary. Gaku-sensei was putting a lot of faith in my ability to learn incredibly hard things. I wasn’t so sure I had the same faith in myself. I wasn’t a prodigy like Kakashi. I couldn’t simply just learn some intense A rank jutsu within a week like Naruto. I was simply me. I had a maturity and intelligence beyond my age because I was older, not because I was any wiser than a person as mentally old as I was. Sure I was smarter than the average person, but in comparison to someone like Kakashi, who seemed to pick up Jutsu like he was learning his ABC’s, I was just an average, if not extremely hard-working girl.

In short, while I had been working on the leaf technique, it took me 90% of the time I had to even finish the first step. The problem with manipulating wind was controlling how much of it I manipulated and managing the expenditure of my chakra. Once we were on the road I would not be allowed to train, not with the amount of chakra I’d be expending. It would be too risky, and so I had taken it upon myself to get it down before we left. Unfortunately I only barely managed that and sensei refused to tell me what exactly I needed to learn to progress the jutsu.

I’d packed up, put on the spiked gloves I received for my birthday and suited up in the new, more durable outfit I had planned. It made me look less like a karate student at the least. I pulled on my mesh shirt, then a sleeveless green kimono shit with a navy blue haori that hung at my sides up to my knees. My new pants had sleeve pouches already stitched onto them and I tightened it with bandages at the bottom as was the customary style around here. It helped keep it from flapping around. The only thing I didn’t change was my steel tipped shoes. If there was one thing, I wanted to kick people with, it was steel tipped shoes and not my bare toes.

Everything else when it came to packing was something, I’d gone through with Nami and Gaku-sensei at their house. Spare clothes, extra kunai, sanitary equipment, rations, water purifiers, chakra pills and other personal items. I sealed it away in the scroll Jiriya _kindly_ gifted me with. At least I got a rather massive sealing scroll out of that whole debacle.

“Hi-chan, you’re leaving again…”

Taichi looked sad, but he pulled out something wrapped in paper and I took it. I opened it to find my favourite pastry. A little apple and cinnamon roll. I pulled him into a hug. When it came to affection I rarely did it with words. Sometimes things were just explained better physically. I resolved myself again. I could probably die out there, but I’d died once and that just made me not want to repeat the process again. This time I would survive. The fact that Taichi had been able to afford a cinnamon roll in the first place was an indication that we were more financially well off than half the civilian population out there. It was because I was a ninja. If I left, it was more than just my life on the line. My family could afford maybe a year or two, but five years of war would leave them near bankrupt.

“Did you make this?” I asked softly.

“Yeah, it’s your favourite right.”

“Yeah…”

“Hi-chan—I’m not a very good big brother, am I?”

I looked up at Taichi and he looked sad. I shook my head, unsure of how to approach this bout of depression from him. He was my older brother by blood, but really, I treated him more like a younger brother I needed to protect, because he _was_ younger than me.

“No! You’re the best nii-chan ever. Now don’t look so sad. Give your imouto a big smile before she leaves ok!”

“You’ll come back, again right? Kaasan says… she says you’re going to die, but I don’t believe that!”

 _What?_ I was suddenly lost for words. Why would she—why did she hate me so much? What had I ever done to her to deserve this kind of treatment? It hurt because what she said was true. I very well could die, but to tell my brother that… just _why._

“She’s an idiot,” I hissed.

“Y-you shouldn’t say th—”

“—I’ll say whatever I want,” I snapped, before taking in Taichi’s frightened expression and angling back calmly. “Sorry Tai-nii… I just. Kaasan hates me for whatever reason—”

“She doesn’t hate you!”

“Why else would she say that to you then? She wants me gone,” I said bitterly.

“No when Kaasan said that she looked very sad. She was crying.”

I paused; my mind caught in the implications of what was just said. I bit my lip and frowned. She was sad… so _what_? It didn’t matter if she was sad. It was her duty as my mother to support me. Family was to be treasured and protected. It was a duty, obligation and most of all a _privilege._ A mother who couldn’t even see her child off to war, wasn’t a mother but a coward. I was cut out of those bitter thoughts when dad came by holding something. He knelt down besides me and took me into a hug.

“I’ll be waiting for you to come back home. Until then this will see you through.”

I looked at the little tag in dad’s hand. It was a sturdy embroidered tag, tied together with red rope and green beads. It had the Kanji symbol ‘yakuyoke’ engraved in fancy green lettering against the navy blue and sky-blue background depicting clouds.

“It’s an omamori.”

“A protection amulet?” I whispered.

“Yakuyoke means to ward away evil. This will help you out there, if nothing else, then to remember we’re waiting here for you. Okay?”

“I will be back,” I said, not sure if I was reassuring myself or my family. It didn’t matter. It wasn’t a truth engraved in some talisman. I would have to make it the truth by seeing it through till the end.

“We’ll be waiting.”

With that I hugged him, said my goodbyes, and left. Mother didn’t come to see me. I didn’t let it distract me. I jumped through the roof until I reached the missions desk and spotted sensei’s scent. I dropped in through the window making the administrator there twitch in irritation.

“Damn ninja! Use the door!”

“Huh? I thought it was some unwritten rule that we had to come through the windows,” I pointed out.

“What made you think that brat?!”

“Well, everyone else always—”

“—Now listen here!”

I sighed as the administrator went on a rant about common etiquette. He continued on despite the many Shinobi milling around, groaning at him to continue handing out their assignments. Gaku-sensei just ruffled my hair and barked out a laugh as he harassed the man incessantly for our mission.

“5 months at the Yu no Kuni outpost. You’ll be under the lead of… Orochimaru.”

WHAT?! My jaw hung wide open and apparently so did sensei’s because when I turned to him, he looked utterly furious. Even Yama barked in sudden protest.

“There must be a mistake. I have a _Genin_ with me. She’s only barely been a Genin for a year and has no teammates! Not to mention 5 months is an incredibly long time for even an experienced team!”

The administrator winced. “Sorry, I don’t make the call, I just hand out the missions.”

Sensei looked appalled, but he schooled his face soon after he looked at me. It was probably because my hands were shaking. Dammit! I gripped my hands together and took in a deep breath. Five months out in the front lines. Not even a border post, the actual front lines. Why the heck was I reborn if this world was so intent on killing me so soon in life? I had to bite back a maniacal laugh, as the bubbling trepidation nearly overtook my composure. Sensei grabbed my hand, and I realised just how small they were in his. I was so small. So insignificant.

I would die.

“Hina, look at me.”

I would die. I only had a years’ worth of training and barely enough skills to make it through. I wasn’t some prodigy or shounen protagonist or something. I was just some unfortunate soul, some _insignificant_ unfortunate soul, that somehow managed to slip through some improbable cosmic crack.

“Hina!”

I snapped my attention up to sensei’s eyes, those dark eyes full of warmth and care and _fire_. He pulled me into a hug and sighed.

“Sometimes I forget you’re just a kid.”

_I’m not._

“I don’t know what the Hokage’s thinking. This is very unlike how Konoha operates.”

It wasn’t. It probably wasn’t the Hokage’s doing. Sarutobi Hiruzen was too soft to do something like this, and he was the one who told me he wouldn’t be sending me out to a _border post_. There was foul play here and with my future knowledge I knew who it was. The _why_ was what was confusing me. Orochimaru was involved with Danzo before he was considered a NUKE nin, and that bastard of a man was the only one I knew that could have any power or interest in sending me out. That still didn’t explain why. I assumed I had slipped from Danzo’s attention since Kakashi seemed more the talk of the people. Why would anyone care about a civilian child, prodigy or not? Maybe I was wrong to assume that no direct action on my part from ROOT, meant there was no action at all.

Because of me, I had signed away Gaku-sensei’s life too.

“We’re not going to _die_ ,” I hissed.

The anger, the sheer indomitable rage wasn’t something I often heard from my own voice. Right now I was _seething_. I wanted to rip Danzo’s oesophagus out from his throat. It was Yama’s low whine that made me snap out of it. I realised all the ninja around us were staring at me, their hands at their kunai. I had radiated killing intent. To my shock even sensei had his hand twitching to his sides, although they were resolutely pulled back. It couldn’t have been intense, but this was war, and everyone was on edge.

“I need you to calm down Hina. Look at me. I’m not going to lie. This will be a hard mission, but we have a Sannin on the team, and most of all we have _each other_.”

“Kami, sensei. Too sappy,” I said, forcing out some much-needed humour. It came out stiff, but sensei played along, chuckling back and ruffling my hair before gesturing me to follow. I followed behind him, trying to school my face into something impassive. Maybe I should invest in a mask. The question plagued me even as I came to face Orochimaru himself at the gates.

What was the snake’s role in all of this?


	13. Chapter 13

There was something to be said about keeping calm in strenuous situations. Travelling with a group of experienced Jounin could count as a part of that. Everyone sent me odd looks when I joined the group alongside Gaku-sensei. Orochimaru’s gaze lingered on me momentarily before he began stating orders like it was any other day. He looked irritated. Either it was irritation or something else because he was moving about a lot more than when we first met, and his chakra was fluctuating oddly. It set me on edge, and the questioning eyes on me didn’t help it either.

“Sensei this doesn’t add up,” I whispered as I ran next to the man.

He nodded agreeing with my assessment. Everyone else in the group of 12 we were travelling with were at least low to medium Jounin level. The fact that I was stationed with this group was neither safe for me nor them. I’d get in the way of the battles that would ensue with a group as strong as this. Why send me with them unless they wanted me dead?

Sensei looked stressed… beyond stressed actually. There was anger and fear and some other emotion bubbling behind that barely hidden expression. I was _scared,_ I realised. This felt more like I was running to my execution than to war. I shut my eyes tightly to stave off the emotion welling inside of me. This was what thousands of people in my old world felt, rushing off to war with barely any training. A world with guns meant thousands died with no real way to win other than sheer luck.

My previous battles held a modicum of safety in that I had training, and I had comrades and especially because we were at home base. The Iwa-nins I couldn’t say the same for. Some of them were barely teens and they had been asked to rush into enemy camp to wear down our forces. Not to _win._ To deal a blow that would ultimately end in their deaths. That’s why they sent a high level Jounin after wearing us down. The war was looking to be one of attrition, and it seemed I was an expendable piece. Either that or I was being tested.

_Fuck_

I took in another deep breath and focused on keeping pace with all these Jounin. They were fast. I was using more chakra than I normally would feel comfortable using. I couldn’t distract myself with thoughts that wouldn’t change my situation. I needed to focus on the present. Kakashi was no doubt running battles in the front lines with Minato already, no matter how illogical it was to send a brat barely a decade old into battle, let alone the front lines. I couldn’t expect to be coddled just because my sensei wasn’t the Yellow Flash. My gaze turned to the front of the group where Orochimaru was leading, decked out in Jounin gear rather than the one I had been used to seeing in the manga. He was perfectly professional earlier, none of the crazy snake like shenanigans I expected. Maybe he was keeping it up in wraps so as to keep suspicion off his more illegal activities.

I shook my head as I nearly stumbled on a branch. We were going too fast for me to lose concentration. It also didn’t help that the journey itself on foot would be about 3 weeks. A ridiculous amount of time, but we were making our way into Kumo and blitzing the enemy for 5 months straight seemed ridiculous. There must have been a separate reason for us to be there, something more to the mission than what we were told of. I knew I wouldn’t have an idea what exactly until we got into the thick of things.

* * *

Our 3-week journey had me acquainted with the whole team of 12 ninja. I was met with a level of apprehension and concern, but no one was openly hostile to me, just to my situation it seemed. No one was happy about me being in the team and I could only whole heartedly agree to that. However I was here so there was nothing we could do about it.

Unsurprisingly everyone was quiet. These were all serious Jounin who’d seen their fair share of war. They were silent and fast, their footsteps barely making any sound. Their pace had been impossible to keep up with after 2 weeks. I was exhausted and had to give up my pride and ride on Yama the rest of the way. Of course a _dog_ had more stamina than me. It put a damper on my spirit for the rest of the trip, but no one faulted me. The fact that I had managed to run at a Jounin pace for 2 weeks was apparently pretty good for a Genin. I had prided myself on being a stamina demon, but it was silly of me to think I could keep up with a Jounin.

After the second week of travel we had exited Fire countries borders. Our pace slowed down and all sensors in the group were told to keep eyes and ears out for enemy ninjas. The three Hyuuga in the group took point, switching places to activate their doujutsu. There was an Aburame woman who sent her wasps out at night for patrol. Sensei and I were set up near the front due to our enhanced smelling and hearing abilities, although it was mostly sensei who was useful. I was just wondering why the heck I was even here.

It was on the third week exactly that we stopped our travelling and rested for a day. I sat by sensei as we munched on our ration bars for the day. I was dead tired. Travelling non-stop took a lot out of a person. A day’s rest seemed too good. Normally this was when the Jounin talked idly, in silent hushed voices within our privacy seals. I did not expect Orochimaru to come sit by me.

“How odd, a Genin such as yourself among the Jounin. One would think a force was at play on this decision.”

I narrowed my eyes. What was he getting at, and why now after weeks of ignoring me?

“Do you know who it is?” I asked.

He just tilted his head down, as if that were an answer on its own. Sensei’s attention was caught at our conversation.

“Orochimaru-sama, you were Hokage-sama’s student. What do you think brought about this decision?”

“It wasn’t Sarutobi-sama,” I cut in.

“And what makes you say that?” Orochimaru said, a hint of danger entering his voice.

I looked away, the skin on my neck prickling. If it weren’t for the anger, I felt at the decision that had been made regarding my life, I would have chosen to remain silent, taken the passive way out of this situation. As it sat now, I was screwed. Danzo was no doubt at play here. The man made no sense from what I remembered. The story touted him as some kind of extreme Konoha nationalist, but all he did was order the murder of a Clan, which he helped escalate the tensions of so he could steal a bunch of eyes and implant into his Senju hand. Orochimaru, at least, I could pin down the motives of. He was a man who craved knowledge, who would go to any extremes and lengths to achieve said goal. The first step to that goal was immortality. Danzo however… he seemed like a liar of the worst kind—the kind that lied to himself. He went on and on about putting the village first, but his actions spoke of a power-hungry war monger, not someone who genuinely wanted the village to prosper. 

“Hokage-sama would not have any reason to send me here for 5 months. So far Konoha isn’t in as dire straits as Iwa. We have a steady supply of capable Jounin, and he strikes me as the kind of man who cares about children. The only other people with the power he has to assign important team missions is one of his 3 councilmen. I don’t know the motive, but that is what I assume is happening right now.”

“Careful Hina-chan, your accusations are dangerous despite your deductions being quite astute,” Orochimaru replied with an unnerving grin.

Ah, that cleared things up for me. He didn’t have a hand in me being assigned into the team. If his body language and his strained smile were anything to go by, he didn’t intend to have me on this team, or even to be on such a long mission. Was someone keeping him away from the Village on purpose? For what reason? Was he already starting his experiments? I paused at that last question. If I _knew_ he was torturing and experimenting on Konoha citizens, wasn’t it my duty to report it? Not simply because I was a Shinobi of Konoha, but because these were real living people, I was going to let get tortured and killed. I felt queasy at the thought.

“If I may Orochimaru-sama? How do you know of my student?” Gaku-sensei asked, his tone a little harsher.

“Hina-chan didn’t tell you?” he asked, his voice basically purring at the realisation.

“It was at the week break we had,” I piped in, before the Sannin could take control of the route the conversation was going to go. “I had bumped into Jiriya-sama at a hot-spring and he gave me a Fuinjutsu sealing scroll to decode. I was out at the training ground with my notes when Orochimaru-sama gave me some good pointers.”

Sensei gave me a look that said ‘we’re going to talk about this later’, and I cleared my throat nervously. Orochimaru chuckled, his soft laughter sounding unnatural even to my ears. His voice and demeanour were silky, like a well coiled snake playing to a piper. His chakra was intense, like a searing poison inside of him, fluctuating softly and then wildly with a sharp intensity to it. He wasn’t particularly stronger than the average Jounin physically, in fact Gaku-sensei was probably physically stronger than him, but he was certainly more dangerous. His aura was enough to tell.

“How far did you go with Fuinjutsu?” Orochimaru asked curiously, yellow eyes gleaming in interest.

“I didn’t—I uh—sensei and I were focusing on honing my Taijutsu and Ninjutsu first. I would love to learn Fuinjutsu but there’s hardly any time to,” I said quickly.

“There’s always time to learn. Well then, it seems like it’s my shift.”

And then he left without another word and I felt my shoulders relax. It wasn’t until Orochimaru was out of earshot that sensei finally said, “He creeps me out.” I nodded in assent and Yama let out a low whine in return. One thing was for certain, however; any conversation with Orochimaru the Snake Sannin, was an interesting one.

* * *

The plan was simple. We would scout out the enemy border post and then set about making a plan of attack. If we could capture a Kumo-nin then it was even better. A weak one, Orochimaru said, preferably. It was easier to break the will of those who were younger, weaker, and susceptible to fear of death. He said it while sending me a rather lingering glance and I felt like puking from nerves. Apparently, the border post we were targeting was one a previous team had not been able to infiltrate. There were apparently 3 high Jounin level ninja there.

Sensei and I took lead. I was clinging to his back like a koala much to my displeasure. His feet were silent as they touched the rocky Kumo soil. He moved much like an animal, with an animal’s grace to follow. I was paying half a mind to his impeccable footing as I was to the scents, sounds and appearances of traps around the area. My ears twitched and I tapped sensei’s shoulder twice, a signal we used for identifying Fuinjutsu traps. Sensei threw a silencing tag on the ground in front of him before expertly dismantling the traps in the vicinity. We were to report back as soon as this task was complete.

_Tap tap_

Our attention turned to the left. Low Chunin, male, about mid-teens. I got all that with just the sounds of his feet, and the beat of his heart. Sensei pointed three fingers in the teen’s direction, and I jumped off his shoulders and onto a tree.

_Thump thump thump_

The sound of a heartbeat. In three I was above my unsuspecting prey. Don’t think just do. I jumped down using chakra slide to propel me in his direction. Gravity aided my mounting speed. I jumped on his shoulders.

_Circle Step Form 1: Aerial Style Disarming Whirlwind!_

My legs wrapped around his neck and I propelled my body in tandem with the momentum of my fall. There was a soft snap. _A perfect kill._ I hastily jumped off his shoulders, breaking my fall as lightly as I could. It was still noisy in comparison to any Jounin. I caught the teen before he fell. He had a youthful face. Couldn’t be older than 15. I took in a sharp breath. This was war, it was me or him. Shouldn’t I feel at least mildly guilty though?

This was war. In war you killed silently, you killed dirty, and most of all you didn’t let your comrades down. Murdering a child aside, I had things to do. I picked up his body, using chakra to support his weight, before I took to the trees. Only once I was a safe distance away did I drop his body into the bushes. We didn’t need to alert the camp just yet. I made my way to sensei and silently dropped onto his back. He gave me a thumbs up and we leapt away. Not a single word spoken between the two of us.

“Report.”

I dropped down next to sensei and he began his briefing on the enemy shinobi defence, smoothly and succinctly. I had my eyes fixed on Orochimaru, but my ears were focused on sensei. It was kind of awe inspiring just how professional these people were, how quickly and effectively they reported.

“There was one Kumo-nin we had to dispose of.”

“Where’s his body?” Orochimaru asked, smiling a cruel smile.

“I left him under brush not too far from here,” I spoke up.

“Take me to him.”

“Hai.”

I sent sensei a look, but he didn’t move, he just nodded at me. Orochimaru was already walking ahead and I scrambled behind him. Oh kami, he wanted me to show him the way! I was going to be alone with this scary man again! I awkwardly led the way, trying not to show my visible discomfort as we made our way to the teen’s body. I dropped by the brush I had left him under and Orochimaru pulled out his body.

“Ah… can I ask what exactly you plan to do with the body?” I asked curiously.

“You’ll see.”

I watched in morbid fascination as he pulled out a snake from his wrist which bit the boy on his neck. I could see the vein’s around the boy’s neck bulge a purple before it disappeared into his blood stream. Then Orochimaru went through a few hand seals and a chakra scalpel appeared in his hands. He began cutting into the boy’s neck to the top back of his head. It was one thing to kill an opponent in battle, it was another to see someone cutting up said opponent later for who knows what. I reasoned that the kid was dead. There was nothing more to it. If Orochimaru was going to desecrate a dead body, I wasn’t going to get in his way.

He pulled the skull off expertly, revealing the brain inside. A rather small snake slithered out of his mouth, down his arm and into the opening. My disgust turned into curiosity. What exactly was the snake doing?

“Are you going to control him via his frontal cortex?” I asked hypothesising. As far as I knew Orochimaru didn’t hate my questions. He seemed to encourage them in fact. For it he sent me a pleased smile.

“Yes and more. The snake that bit him has a poison that reacts with air and turns into acid.”

“He doesn’t have any oxygen in his blood, until it spills out,” I said in confusion. Well considering how long he’d been dead anyway…

Orochimaru tilted his head at that, his eyes appraising me further. I tried not to shiver under the intense gaze but eventually looked away flustered. He just grinned, that creepy no good grin. I wish I had kept my mouth shut, but this man was just a pool of information. I could weasel more out of him, but I had to play it safe.

“Yes, it will oxidise when it comes in contact with air. Until then my summon will be controlling him from the inside.”

I watched in shock as the boy stood up, his arms sagging to his sides like a rag doll, his eyes unfocused despite looking around. Like a marionet he sagged forward before standing up straight. I watched on in amazement. Moral issues aside, that was one useful technique. Orochimaru essentially had a method to create an army of zombies before edo tensai. I couldn’t help but look at the man in awe. He may be a sick creep, but he was incredibly smart.

“You must have a plan involving him then?” I ask, unable to keep out the growing excitement in my voice.

He grins back. “A Shinobi refrains from initiating combat if he can. You will do well to learn this lesson. We will be taking this camp without raising a finger.”

Orochimaru was terrifying indeed.

* * *

The plan was so insane that it could work. Orochimaru was pragmatic if nothing, but a part of him was also stupidly flamboyant… which was oddly respectable. He wanted everyone to know it was him, to know they were doomed to die, and simultaneously it was beneath him to get involved in a fight. It was kind of refreshing in a way, to see someone so eager to go about attacking people in a manner that didn’t end up in direct fighting. I’d assumed as Shinobi I’d be constantly thrown into battle again and again, that winning consisted of the strength we forged through combat. Orochimaru was no weakling in combat, but he valued the arts a Shinobi held in high regard. Trickery. Subterfuge. Fear. Assassination.

“Don’t be nervous. We have a Sannin on our team,” Gaku-sensei said, punching my shoulder gently.

“He is very smart,” I agreed.

“Incredibly.”

It seemed that Gaku-sensei had developed a deep respect for Orochimaru despite being creeped out by the man. I had to hand it to the Sannin, he managed to convince everyone that he was a true Shinobi of Konoha. He had a slimy kind of charisma to him, and his strength alone inspired others. If I weren’t suspicious without good cause of his lack of humanity, I too would have been swept away by his presence. As it stood, he was a good ally when given a cause to help.

A giant crash took in the distance and sounds of alarms rose through the border post. I caught a glimpse of an enormous snake head. Ah, that was our distraction and sign to continue. I prepped myself internally. We needed to be stealthy for this to work.

“Position team.”

We signed ‘ready’ before we ran silently into the woods. I clung to sensei’s back, focusing all my efforts into suppressing my chakra. I felt more like a dead weight than any actual help which was frustrating on its own. We continued in towards the back of the camp. There were two Hyuuga with us and one brunette Kunoichi not from any clan named Suki. She was decked out in poisons though and had a giddy disposition about her. There were a lot of Shinobi I’d never met or read about from the manga. Some of them were amazing in their own right. She was one of them. Amazing in a terrifying kind of way.

It was when we reached the water supply that we began our plan. I disarmed some traps with sensei while the Hyuuga kunoichi used an earth style jutsu to dig a straight hole into the dirt. The brunette poisons specialist chuckled evilly as she threw in a clear concoction into the hole. I was once again reminded how stupidly effective things outside of direct combat was. Forget blowing up the whole place, there was no need to when we had effectively destroyed a vital source of resource required to even hold up a border post this big.

The deed was done. It had been so simple. Suki had laughed rather evilly about having a concoction from a Konoha native centipede which she turned rather potent. Kumo wouldn’t have an antidote ready for it in time to help any of the victims. I almost felt bad for them. It was one thing to die fighting in battle. It was another thing to die caught unawares as your organs shut down slowly and indefinitely. Only those with an immunity to poisons would survive and by then the numbers in their camp would be low enough for a squad of just 5 to go in and annihilate the survivors.

Orochimaru was ruthless.

We made our way out of the border posts radius, and then rendezvoused with the rest of the team before travelling silently for a day. We were playing the long game with this border post, so we had to wait another 2 days before going back. I wasn’t riding on Yama’s back because there was a man strapped to his back knocked out cold. Well… man wasn’t the word actually, more like boy. The kid looked to be about 16, so a teen. By this world’s war time standards he may as well have been a fully grown adult, but it was hard for me to feel that way about him.

It wasn’t until we stopped at our designated camp site, that Orochimaru gestured for me again. I sent sensei an odd look. He was tense but he nudged me to go with the Sannin. He didn’t know Orochimaru was going to be a traitor, so I didn’t fault him for his faith in our team leader. I reluctantly followed after Orochimaru and Suki. We were a good distance away when we stopped.

“Set the silencing seals around the perimeter Hina-chan,” Orochimaru order.

I nodded and jumped quickly to set a meter-wide perimeter. Then I dropped next to Suki who was standing back casually, an unusually unnerving grin on her face. She stepped forward to help tie up the teen with rope, so he was hanging limp from the tree. Then almost out of nowhere she punched his face. I took a step back in mild shock, completely taken aback by the random outburst of violence. Orochimaru didn’t even flinch, just looked completely bored. Why was I here again? The teen groaned awake, blue eyes fluttering dazed in confusion and fear. His eyes landed on Orochimaru and he paled. No doubt seeing an enemy Sannin would make anyone shit their pants.

“What’s your designation?”

“I-I won’t say—”

Suki grabbed his hand and cut of his thumb. I winced, head snapping back. The teen would never be able to hold a kunai again. The boy cried out in pain, his breathing going quickly ragged.

“Of goes another finger~”

“I-I’m Chunin!”

Yuki grinned and pulled away. I frowned. What was the point of that question? You could tell from his chakra levels and his vest. Why ask?

“Ok then cutie, can you tell us about the information routes your Kumo friends take?” Yuki asked sweetly.

The poor boy’s eyes widened, his lips pursed, and he shook his head despite the tears threatening to come out. Kami, he was just a kid. _An enemy shinobi._ I schooled my face. There was no way this was what turned me off being a Shinobi. I’d killed 7 people and now I was growing a heart? Maybe it was because a teen was being tortured, someone who’s barely even an adult. I pursed my lips, my eyes turning to his bleeding hand. Yuki was taking her sweet time pulling at his other finger and she cut it off too. The boy screamed again, this time muffling his voice by keeping his teeth gritted together. A look of defiance crossed his eyes and Yuki only laughed.

“Look cutie, I could spend some time cutting off each little finger of yours, but that’s clearly not going to break you. I have just the poison on me for this task. It’s quite painful. Takes several minutes to kill its poor unfortunate victim. First the toxin enters your bloodstream and it expands your blood vessels until it reaches to your brain and heart. Then every single little part of you starts _popping_ from the inside. Wanna try it out?”

Yuki just took the struggling boy’s face in her hand and jabbed the needle into his neck. The teen let out a scream of pain and I watched on unable to do anything. This was… this was so _wrong._ This went beyond water boarding or chopping off fingers. This just seemed unnecessarily _cruel._ I didn’t move an inch despite my startled thoughts. Was this normal in this world? Did one normally do something this vile to their captured enemies? Wasn’t there some sort of Geneva code here or something against war crimes?

I felt sick… not because the boy in front of me was gasping in pain, but because I, despite knowing it was wrong, did not have the conviction to stop it. This was the enemy-shinobi. I had no reason to help him. If this were how my more experienced teammates were going to get their information from him, how could I say no? This wasn’t some game.

I had the fortunate experience of living a rather sheltered life previously. Growing up in Australia, in the safety of a first world country, away from the war and slavery still rampant around the less privileged countries, I hardly thought about things like this. Why was it my issue if some poor kid in Africa was practically doing slave labour to create my smart phones, why was it my issue if there were people dying from wars caused by my country for oil reserves and money? It didn’t affect me, so it wasn’t my problem.

I was cruel.

I was cruel because I didn’t care, I turned a blind eye because it was too troublesome to worry about things I couldn’t change. The boy in front of me was screaming out information now, his mouth frothing at the sides. I could see he veins bulging out of his body.

“P-please! I told you everything I know! Please give me the antidote!”

“I don’t have any,” Suki said blankly.

“W-what?”

“You heard me cutie. I like poisoning people, not healing them. You’re just going to have to weather it out,” she said patting his cheeks.

Orochimaru didn’t say a word, his expression completely apathetic. He’d gotten what he wanted so he was leaving. Suki turned to leave to, and I looked at the boy. His body trembling from the pain as he vomited out some blood. He was going to die in about an hour or so. I grimaced. This was _unnecessary._ What was the point of leaving him here, silencing seal or not?

“Are you coming or not kid?”

I sent the woman an unimpressed look before pulling out a kunai. I walked up to the boy and put a hand on his chest.

“P-please,” he begged, blue eyes begging for mercy.

“I’ll make it quick.”

He looked scared, but for a moment, a flicker of relief shone through and he shut his eyes tightly. I aimed my kunai at his skull, the part of it that should I stab through would mean instant death. With a well-aimed chakra enhanced stab, his body went limp and I pulled out the knife. I let out a breath and turned to see Suki grumbling. Orochimaru looked neither angry nor glad, just as indifferent as ever.

“Ugh, kid you’re too soft.”

“And you’re being petty,” I huffed at the lady.

“They’re _Kumo-nin,_ they ain’t even worth shit!”

With that she stormed off. I let out an exasperated huff. What was that little tantrum? To my surprise Orochimaru snorted in amusement.

“Her hatred for the enemy is rather blinding.”

“It was cruel,” I said frowning. “It’s one thing to torture for information, it’s something else to let someone suffer for no reason at all.”

“There was a reason,” Orochimaru stated amiably.

“There was?” I asked in surprise.

“Well she hated him.”

I blinked. _What?_ Apparently, that was enough reason to go about torturing someone for no good reason to Orochimaru. I couldn’t help the scowl that took my face. The strong survived in this world, but there was no reason for the strong to needlessly torment the weak and unfortunate. Take what you need and leave. Why cause unnecessary pain unless you were some kind of unhinged sadist?

“You don’t agree with her actions?” Orochimaru asked. “How quaint.”

“I’m not going to stop her. It’s not my place to do so, but I don’t have to stand back and watch people suffer without cause,” I replied evenly.

Orochimaru sent me a look, but it was hard to read what he was thinking when his face was constantly pulled into that condescending smile of his.

“I thought this would be a good learning experience. It seems it was,” he stated.

Oh… so that’s why he had called me to go with him. That was really sick of him. To him I was actually a 6-year-old. If I really were this would have been a rather traumatising event. What was his goal? To scar me for life because it amused him… or for something else? He was constantly sending me that appraising look, as if he were judging my worth. I wanted him to find me lacking. I already had Gaku-sensei; I didn’t need the Snake Sannin’s help to become strong. Even if he did come at me with some promise to get stronger, I wouldn’t take it.

I was very glad to be back by Sensei’s side. Yama and Sensei were like an ever-present rock to lean on, emotionally and physically. I gave Yama some well-deserved neck scratches before shaking my head at sensei, a scowl still on my face. That whole event, which started off reasonable enough, had ended quite horribly—enough to leave a permanent bad taste in my mouth.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” Sensei asked softly.

“That wasn’t a proper interrogation, that was for pure pleasure,” I grunted, finding myself a little put off. “I just find it distasteful…”

I was trying to keep my tone even. I didn’t know Sensei’s thoughts on things like what constituted a proper torture and interrogation. Not that I found torture itself distasteful. It was necessary for the larger scheme of things.

“He took you to witness an interrogation?”

Sensei’s voice hitched slightly despite his face remaining stony. I sent him a look. Really, what did he expect when only three people left with a captured enemy nin? Of course it was because we were going to question him.

“I thought he took you to guard the perimeter,” Sensei hissed under his breath, and then a following ‘stupid’ was said more to admonish himself. He turned to me, now unable to hide the worry in his expression. “Hina—do you want to talk? There wasn’t any reason—”

“Sensei, you need to stop babying me. I’m fine,” I huffed, crossing my arms. “I’ve _killed_ people before. What’s a little torture?”

Sensei looked alarmed at that. I winced. Had I said something wrong? I was trying to be professional about all of this, so I didn’t have to be treated like a kid, which I was _not._ I was a 35-year-old woman who wasn’t the most saintly of people. I didn’t need to be coddled like a child. I had this under control. If I could be sent to war, then it should be assumed I could handle the shit that came with the job. Thankfully before Sensei could say anything the team was called to attention.

“Listen up everyone,” an Uchiha ordered. “Orochimaru-sama, has issued out our next task. We are to attack the border post in two days. Do not pursue or attack those who retreat.”

We all chorused our ‘hais’ before I pondered on what exactly all this meant. It made sense to wait for the poison to kick in. In 2 days the symptoms would be showing properly, then we’d have the advantage over the enemy. Why would we be specifically told not to pursue those retreating? Maybe it was because they were destined to die anyway. I had no clue what Orochimaru was planning, but I had faith in his scary ability to outthink his opponents.

And that was my first experience in the front lines.


	14. Chapter 14

We had utterly destroyed that Kumo border post and we didn't even have to break the structure. The land was poisoned, Kumo morale was plummeting and we had killed a signiﬁcant amount of their Jounin. It had been brutal, eﬃcient and most of all it had been devastating.

A shiver ran down my spine. These were elite Jounin. The people who dominated the ﬁeld. I had somehow managed to survive this whole attack because they were so competent. It made me stutter at the well of difference in our power. Even more so the power between an elite Jounin and a Sannin like Orochimaru who was Kage level.

What was I even doing with this insane group of competent people? Heck, why couldn't I be this competent? I dug my face into Yama's fur and groaned. There was something visceral about facing death head on. It was exhilarating, terrifying, and thrilling all at once. Being on the edge of one’s feet, closing one’s mind from everything and anything not pertaining to the very moment one was in... It was like living a whole new existence. It was hard to extrapolate the feeling of intoxication that was a battle to the death.

The war had already messed me up. Only my second mission and already it had changed me so undeniably. I wondered how I could change so much so quickly.

It was unnatural... or maybe it wasn't. I was a child, despite having an adult’s mentality. These were my formative years, where both my body and my mind would grow exponentially and learn to adapt to my environment and the challenges brought to me. In my old life that had been academics. In this new life I had chosen war.

War may have not been the healthiest choice, but it was the one given to me. I was only 6 and already I had killed more people than I had ﬁngers on my hands. The scary part was that I didn't feel disgusted, or hateful, or sad about my kills. I just felt accomplished, and I wondered if it was healthy to feel that way about taking life. I was just doing my job right?

It was at night when we made camp and we were putting down our bed rolls that I let out how tired I felt. I wasn't one for physical contact, neither was I someone who even touched a conversation that involved feelings, but right now I was confused, and I felt so alone in it. I did something unusual and snuggled up next to sensei, pressing my face against the side of his chest. He hesitantly pulled his arm around to my back.

"Hina, are you ok?"

I shook my head still buried into his side's. He let out a sigh and I swallowed my spit with some effort. Why was I acting this way?

"You're too young to be out here," sensei sighed. "I'm sorry. I should have fought for some easier missions."

Great now he thought I wasn't emotionally ready for the things I was going to do. I wanted to say a whole number of things, but I let his statement linger in silence. I didn't trust my voice in that moment, so I took in a deep breath before steadying myself and then speaking.

"It's not your fault. It's not the missions... I—"

"Take your time kiddo," he said softly.

I knew what to say, but I couldn't say it. How did one go about telling their sensei that they thought they were probably a sociopath? Was I a sociopath? I was no psychologist. I cared about my family and friends, and to some extent the comrades I fought with, but I was just so coldly indifferent to others that it left a bad taste in my mouth. Ironically enough it was my fear of being a sociopath that plagued me more than killing a few people in war. It felt only right to worry if my mind wasn’t normal in some way, right?

"It's nothing. Can I sleep next to you tonight?" I asked instead, unable to get out my worries.

"Sure thing my cute little kohai," he chuckled softly.

I never asked for physical affection, ever, but today seemed like a day I needed it. I would let myself have it today... just this once.

* * *

Only a month into the 5 months I had been assigned for, was over. I knew everyone in the team by name and _hobbies_ now too. The Uchiha were quite reclusive, as was the Aburame woman and one of the Hyuga. Everyone else was more than willing to talk. They all came from some minor or dying out Ninja clans. The 2nd Great Shinobi war had destroyed more than its fair share of Clans.

"Our next assignment is out by a village called Kogyo. It's a border village by Kumo's South-East mountain. The terrain will be open and so we will need sensors on diamond formation. Keep a keen eye."

"Hai!" the group chorused.

Then we discussed among ourselves for a bit and sensei and I took the right diamond point of the group. I was glad none of them ever split me from sensei during combat or otherwise. I trusted most of these shinobi with my life, but there was no way in hell I trusted them more than Gaku and Yama.

The landscape turned from heavy brush and ﬂat planes to a barren rocky mountainside. This wasn't any better. The caverns were easy to ambush, and the lack of greenery for cover made me uneasy. My green outﬁt, and the green of the rest of the Konoha squad, suddenly stood in stark contrast with the background. Not exactly a good cover for us in any sense.

The trip was uncomfortably silent. Everyone was watching intently, keeping their steps light, and suppressing their chakra. Whoever said travel was the least taxing part of being a ninja should probably go dunk themselves in some lava to cure their ignorance. I kept my senses sharp, closing my eyes and taking in the scent and sounds. The wind was rough, blowing wildly through the caverns, the sun was hot and heated the ground in a way that made the stone radiate the heat back up. Surprisingly, the large stone mountains had a strong thrum of their own, a beating heart that creaked ever so perfectly together in a cacophony of lively sounds despite the lack of chakra.

_Tap tap_

My ears twitched and I gazed at sensei. He had caught the same sounds apparently. It could be a large animal. It could be an enemy scout. We wouldn't know until it came out or attacked. I felt my hand twitch to my shuriken and sensei sent me a look that said no. I forced my hands away in time to see what appeared to be a dear in the distance. I was glad he stopped me from throwing it, or I might have made a fool of myself.

I sucked in a deep breath and calmed my nerves. I continued running, my mind going on an intense overdrive. The only thing, asides from appearance, that I inherited from my mother in this life, was my over the top paranoia.

It was another hour or so before we reached the outskirts of the village. The crops were sparse and looked about ready to wilt and the few people that did see us ducked away, trembling in fear. I couldn't blame them. Seeing a bunch of enemy ninjas walk straight into town would make me shit my pants too if I were defenceless.

"I can't sense any Shinobi," I frowned.

"Keep your eyes peeled. They could be hiding their chakra," sensei said frowning.

Unsurprisingly there were enemy shinobi here. A kunai zipped towards me, I twisted my body, grabbing it by the circular handle by the end and throwing it back in one swoop. It grazed the ninjas face and he looked mortiﬁed. I grinned. That was my most badass moment yet. I didn't have time to revel in it, not when my team and the enemy jumped straight into action.

A Jounin engaged Sensei and me. I moved to block his clones slash, but he was too fast for my eyes to track. Sensei hit his kunai away with his own, saving me from instant death. I jumped back and went for my hand signs immediately.

_Snake, ram, monkey, boar, horse tiger!_

_Fire release: Flame Bullet!_

I spit out several bullets of condensed ﬁre at the enemy. He dodged them easily but was distracted by Yama and I managed to get the ﬁfth bullet square in his chest. He hissed, stumbling back before releasing a substantial amount of killing intent my way. I locked my Tiger Palm stance far more defensively than I normally would, my body seizing up for a moment. Thankfully, I had experience with killing intent before, and I managed to hold my footing.

Yama doubled with Sensei, his Beast Fang mode activated, fur sticking on end as he decided to help me instead of his partner. Sensei had things under control, I did not. It was one thing to fight with a Genin and Chunin, it was an entirely different matter to fight against a Jounin. All I could do was try and stay alive long enough for sensei to finish his opponent. I jumped behind Yama and drew out my shuriken. Everyone knew Jounin didn’t die from measly shuriken or kunai. That was like a law of this world or something. The only real way to beat a Jounin was with some flashy move, equal to or flashier than theirs… or you know assassinate them before they knew you were there. I couldn’t do either, because I was _weak_ , a fact that was beginning to frustrate me.

“What the fuck! A Sannin is here!” shouted a Kumo nin.

“We weren’t told we had to fight fucking _Orochimaru_ ,” another cursed.

The clone ninja in front of me crumbled into dust and I turned to see Sensei rip out his throat with his bare hands. I jumped up next to him and noticed that the enemy-ninja that did attack were now looking to retreat with their tails between their legs. I would too if Orochimaru of all people decided he was going to kill me. Thankfully, the Snake Sannin was on our side and in the blink of an eye he went through the enemy shinobi like a hot knife through butter. A water dragon followed him through his graceful movements as he practically took down six Jounin in one stride, his blade cutting through bone effortlessly. It was awe inspiring and terrifying all that once. With the last of the stragglers executed almost just as quickly, the battle was over not even 2 minutes before it began. Suddenly, being put on a team full of Jounin and a Sannin, seemed like the _safest_ place to be during war.

We all regrouped behind the Sannin as the villagers who were outside stood by their houses. They looked strongly built, their skin blackened, hands calloused from rough labour and eyes heavy and hard. They were miners, I realised. They were nothing like the soft civilians from inside Konoha. These men weren’t Shinobi, but they were hard workers, people who no doubt spent a great deal of time in darkened mines working day and night hitting rocks. My respect for them was a great deal more than most civilians.

“Where is the Village Elder?” Orochimaru asked.

The crowd of burly men parted, and a short but sturdy man walked out with a cane. He couldn’t have been older than _fifty._ Was this their oldest member? They were miners… so maybe they died younger than most due to their work. I grimaced at the thought. Shinobi weren’t so different in that respect.

“I am the Elder,” the man said, voice coarse and raspy.

Orochimaru walked up amiably to the man and… cut his head off. I jerked forward in surprise, as did many of the villagers, and then I turned to sensei wide eyed and in shock to see him standing his place, jaw set tightly as if he didn’t agree. I turned to the rest of my team. Their expressions ranged from disbelief, to approval and _glee_ but none of them moved an inch _._ What the fuck? The villagers roared in protest and I couldn’t help but agree internally. Why the heck had Orochimaru killed a _civilian,_ with no weapons and no intent to kill.

“You can’t just—”

Orochimaru threw a kunai straight into the man’s head and he dropped down in a heap. The Sannin licked the blood of his katana before sheathing it slowly. I felt a shiver run down my spine involuntarily.

“Anyone else want to tell me what to do?” he asked amiably.

Everyone backed down when he twirled a kunai and pointed it to the sole child in the group. A kid about a year or two older than me. The boy’s father pushed the boy behind him, and the Sannin chuckled, like he had said a rather benign joke. He had effectively quelled any protest.

“My team will be staying here for a few days. Who are the senior members of your village?”

A few men stepped forward, looking entirely too defiant for my liking. Did they want to get killed? I almost wanted to slap some sense into them. If they wanted to stay alive, they should be grovelling at this man’s feet, not putting on some misplaced sense of pride.

“You will be hosting my team for the next few days,” he said, although it was more like an order, then he turned to us. “Do treat your hosts well.”

He didn’t sound like he meant what he said at all, but we all chorused in agreement. Some form of dread seemed to seep into me at this very moment. This felt like it should be _wrong._ I wasn’t the kind of person who could take the moral high ground, neither did I care for it, but what Orochimaru did was wholly unnecessary—wasn’t it? By killing the elder he had cemented how serious everyone’s fate could be, and then not so subtly threatening a child vanquished whatever other fighting spirit these people had. They may have been proud miners, but no one in their right mind would go against someone who would kill their progeny.

Holy shit, why was I excusing what he did? I let out a rather loud breath through my nose and tried to control my emotions. What was done was done. There was no need to cry over spilt milk… even if the spilt milk was a man’s life.

Orochimaru had sent us to live with the leading men of the village, because we needed to keep an eye on them to make sure they didn’t plan anything stupid. A bunch of enemy shinobi living in their house should do the trick. The man we were assigned to live with was a burly man, large built and with skin covered in soot that it was hard to tell the original colour. His eyes though were a bright blue, so clear that they reminded me of Minato’s.

He wasn’t too eager to let us into his house, but he did so reluctantly. It was a small traditional house, with what seemed to be only the bare minimum of electricity and traditional cove fire instead of gas. It felt and looked poor, but well maintained. As we took off her shoes and entered into the living room, I noticed the scent of two others. His wife and daughter were huddled at the back of the house. The little girl peaked her head out and I noted she must have been only a year or so younger than me.

“We will not intrude more than we have already,” Sensei stated stiffly.

The miner’s blue eyes appraised Sensei, his lips thinning into a stiff line, then he nodded in surrender. It was the kind of gesture one made when they had to put up with something they couldn’t help, but the man was coiled tightly in defence as he stepped in front of his wife and child.

“You may order me anything, but a single hand on them and Shinobi or not I will kill you,” the man said with a fire.

Sensei gave the man a blank look before breaking out into a grin. I chuckled nervously, completely unsure how to act in such a tense situation.

“I like you, and don’t worry, neither I nor my student intend to cause you any harm—”

“Furukuwa Mamoru,” the man supplied.

“Furukuwa-san,” sensei nodded politely. “I am Inuzuka Gaku, this is my partner Yama, and my student Suzuki Hina. As long as you don’t act against us Shinobi, I will guarantee the safety of your family. However, the same can be said for you. Should I see an attempt of harm on anyone of my teammates, I will not hesitate to kill you.”

Sensei sounded completely serious with his threat. I looked up at the man and then to his wife and child and wondered if I should say anything. Everyone was being so goddamn serious and as a child it was super easy to act cute and diffuse a situation.

“Ne, I’m Suzuki Hina, but you can call me Hina. What’s your name?” I asked the woman and child.

The mother pushed back her black hair and turned her amber eyes to her husband reluctantly before meeting mine. She smiled reluctantly, but it came out more like a grimace as she looked at me… wait was that _pity_? I kinda felt like decking her, but I refrained.

“My name is Ryosai, and this is Emi.”

I put on my best smile and tried to act as childish as I could. If I was going to live with these people for a couple of days, I’d rather do it comfortably. We were awkwardly invited to sit down at the table and Ryosai ran to make us some tea. I wondered if she did it so she could drag her daughter away to the kitchen so she wouldn’t be near us.

Mamoru sat stiffly opposite us, his eyes trailing to me every few seconds. I felt my hands twitch unconsciously to my kunai holster. I had to remind myself that this man could not kill me, not with his uncontrolled chakra and sensei sitting next to me. I was just being paranoid, like usual.

“Feel free to talk normally to us Furukuwa-san,” sensei said with an easy-going smile.

“I didn’t know Konoha was bringing _children_ into war.”

“Ah, my cute little kohai here is rather advanced for her age.”

“Graduated top of my class,” I said, feigning an unhealthy amount of pride. “Don’t worry Mamoru-san, I am very capable.”

“That was not—never mind,” he sighed, but his shoulders lowered slightly, and it felt like he was a little less stiff, so really it was my win.

He was saved the awkwardness of explaining himself when Ryosai walked in with a tray full of steaming tea. Sensei and I took it with a courteous thanks before holding it to our noses to sniff for poison. I didn’t sense anything, but I looked at sensei to make sure I hadn’t come to a wrong conclusion. He was already sipping his tea, so I followed suite. The tea wasn’t very good quality, but I put on my most innocent smile.

“The tea is very nice,” I complimented.

Sensei spared me a quick glance and Yama yipped. I figured he knew what I was trying to do by now. Normally I didn’t adopt such a cheery disposition. I preferred to act level-headed and enthusiastic enough to be considered motivated but not immature. Right now I was pretending to be a cutesy little girl. How much of that was translating from my shinobi decked out gear was uncertain, but it was enough to let this man drop down his guard slightly, and for his daughter to send me a curious look from behind her mother.

“Thank you, Suzuki-san.”

Not Hina-chan, huh. So I didn’t succeed in getting them to lower their guard entirely. I kept my smile on my face, opting to go for a more laid-back route next time. Playing the cheerful energetic girl was too much of a leap for me. I decided to pull the act back a little and instead gave a relaxed smile and nod, closing my eyes for emphasis on trust.

“How long will your men be in our village?” Mamoru asked.

“Ah, I’m not allowed to say Furukuwa-san. My apologies,” Sensei said with an amiable smile.

“Allow me to show you to your room. I only have one spare, so you will have to share if that’s alright.”

“That’s how we prefer it out on missions,” sensei said tilting his head, and I nodded in agreement.

Ryosai was rubbing her palms against her knees. She kept a friendly expression, but her body language was closed off, her feet moving around, and shifting position as if unsure. Sensei had probably picked up on it too. They looked like they were itching to do something but had to hold back. I jerked my hand to my holster and stopped myself again. I needed to stop being so paranoid. I had gone up against Jounin, and numerous Chunin on my own and survived. What was a civilian family in comparison?

We got up and Ryosai took us to a room by the far end. It was a small room, with a paper door. Not the level of security I was used to from living a life in a ninja village, but it was marginally better than camping outside.

“Will you require futons?” she asked.

“No, we don’t want to impose. We have our bedrolls.”

I wanted to deck Sensei and let the lady get us some futons, but I chose to smile forcefully instead. She nodded, looking relieved for some reason or another and then closed the door to leave us alone.

“Sensei, Orochimaru is kind of a prick, isn’t he?” I asked frowning.

“What he did wasn’t… advised. I don’t want you doing anything like that in the future, you hear me. We may be in war but cruelty that is not absolutely necessary isn’t something we should take pleasure in.”

“You don’t have to tell me, I completely agree,” I huffed. “Why didn’t anyone do anything to stop him?”

“It was well within his rights,” Sensei sighed. “It would be insubordination to go against his actions when there aren’t any rules against it.”

“You mean we’re allowed to kill civilians unprompted?” I asked in disbelief.

“No, we are not allowed to kill _Fire civilians_ unprompted, but there are no rules against doing anything to others.”

“They have no rights at all,” I asked in, voice full of scepticism.

“We don’t either, in the enemy eyes kiddo. That’s why it’s best to kill yourself if you’re caught,” he said with a serious look.

Wow, this world was _messed_ up. Child soldiers aside, this was a whole another level of wrong. There was so much a country full of sociopathic assassins could do with this kind of free reign. I shivered at the thought before I remembered Suki.

“Suki-san wouldn’t… _abuse_ this situation, would she? She hates Kumo-nin so maybe she doesn’t like the civilians here either,” I asked.

“It’s frowned upon by many Konoha shinobi to unnecessarily torment civilians, enemy or not. That is usually enough to keep most people in line, but Fujiyama is not one to care about opinion. She is also a pain in the ass to work with,” Sensei grunted in irritation.

“Troublesome woman,” I grumbled in agreement.

“We’re on the same page there, kiddo. Now that we’re settling down in a spot for a while, I think it’s time we did a bit of training.”

“We’re on a mission though,” I pointed out.

“I can keep an eye on the family without your help,” he chuckled. “Just leave it to your sensei. I need you to be strong, so you won’t need little old me in the future.”

“I just hate that it can’t be now. Why am I so weak?” I grumbled.

“You’re _six,_ so don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s your first year as a Genin and you’ve accomplished more than an average one, or you wouldn’t be assigned to this team,” he said ruffling my hair.

“I wouldn’t be on this team, if someone from the _council_ didn’t want me dead,” I retorted with a frown.

“Hina—you shouldn’t throw out accusations so easily,” Sensei frowned.

“Even, you know it’s true,” I said jabbing his leg.

Yama licked me on the face when I grumbled, and he forced me to smile. What, I like dogs. Sensei got about putting some traps and sensors around the room, all standard things he had brought with him for the long-term mission we were on.

“You can tell me anything you want kiddo, but don’t go speaking so easily of that to anyone else,” sensei sighed.

“I won’t,” I agreed, rolling my eyes. No was in hell was I ready to get even more on Danzo’s radar than I somehow already had.

“What training are you thinking of?” I asked, changing the topic, and hoping to get out of this repressive mood.

“You haven’t mastered your wind walker technique yet. The next step to mastery over it is implementing chakra slide, and your wind technique to gain a burst of speed. Come on, let’s go out.”

We both jumped out of the window and into the backyard. Well, it wasn’t really a backyard. The house itself was on the outskirts of the town and was flanked by a rather tall mountain and a mile or so of sturdy trees. We made our way out the back and Yama went to nap in the sun. I gazed at the dog in jealousy before taking my position.

“You’re meant to cut through the air current in front of you, directing it to either side. That’s the easy part.”

“Wait, seriously? How’s that _easy_? It took me a whole 3 weeks to get it down with _leaves_!”

“It’s the easy part because you’re only required to go in a straight line,” he sighed, looking both a mixture of amused and exasperated. “The issue users of this technique face are when they have to turn. You’re going faster than normal, and your body is unused to changing directions, especially when you’re using a cutting wind jutsu to either side of you. Not only would you have to redirect your body, but you would have to redirect the wind, so you don’t cut yourself and fall off-balance.”

“Sounds tough,” I mumbled, thoroughly put off by the sheer impossibility of the jutsu.

“No complaining. You’ve been doing a good job of that so far. I know this technique is taking a lot longer than what you’re normally used to, but most higher ranking jutsu can’t be learnt in a month, good chakra control or not.”

“I know, it’s just—it feels kind of impossible,” I mumbled forgetting my no complaint policy for a frustrated second.

How the heck was _I_ going to learn this kind of B rank jutsu? I only managed to graduate because I was stupidly smart, and I worked my body to its absolute limit. I was no talented prodigy. I had an edge when it came to chakra control and my higher than average intellect, but this move required more than intellect or chakra control, it required instinct. I _sucked_ at that, if my training blind had been any indication of my natural physical talents. I took in a deep breath, prodigy or not, I owed it to myself to do my best.

“Ok chakra slide first,” I mumbled to myself.

My right feet shifted back in preparation and I rolled my shoulders and shrugged my hands to prepare myself.

_Tiger → Ox → Dog →_

_Wind Release: Wind walker Technique!_

I practically shouted the technique in my head as I activated both the chakra slide and the wind cutter technique at once. I bounded forward, there was no rush of wind against my face! The speed pushed my cheeks back slightly and the moment I touched a foot down from the bounding speed, I felt my body spin out of control. I couldn’t stop! I let out a cry as I lost my footing and ended up flinging myself at a tree. I hit the bark just in time to use my chakra to protect that part of my body before I crashed through the bark, toppling the tree down.

It took me a second to realise I wasn’t flying in the air anymore, that I was on the ground, eating dirt. I spat out the dry soil, before groaning and standing up. Yama was by my side almost instantly and sensei was laughing his head off.

“I’ve never seen anyone butcher that technique so bad!” he cackled.

“I’m glad you’re finding amusement from this Sensei,” I replied dryly as I got back up.

The door opened and Mamoru rushed out at the sound, probably to the sight of a destroyed tree and a little girl with dirt all over her face. Sensei had the decency to look apologetic at least.

“What’s going on here?” the miner demanded.

“Just a little training. My Kohai here failed spectacularly. Sorry for the damage,” sensei apologised.

“She broke the tree?” the man asked in disbelief.

I got up and dusted off my training shirt. I turned to look at the back and realised I had torn it hitting the tree and I grumbled, flushing red. Goddamn I had made a fool of myself.

“I’ll get the technique right next time! It only failed because I wasn’t prepared,” I grumbled in aversion. “Come on, give me one more chance!”

“How are your chakra reserves looking?”

“I used about a quarter,” I mumbled, blushing at just how embarrassing that was to say out loud.

“Ok then, once more. If you use up another quarter, we’re calling it quits today.”

I nodded in assent. We weren’t back in the village. There was a certain level of chakra we were expected to maintain on duty in case a serious fight broke out. Sensei was being far more lenient than was normally allowed. Wind Walker wasn’t meant to be this chakra exhaustive anyway. I just expended too much chakra during my initial hand seal phase. I used a lot of chakra for Chakra Slide because it was the boost I needed, but with the Wind Cutter technique it seemed overkill. I only needed about a quarter of the power I normally used. Come on, I had the best chakra control in my class. There was no way I was going to get it wrong the second time.

“Mamoru-san is watching. You better not screw it up Hina~”

“No pressure,” I grumbled at sensei.

I prepared my stance and went through the hand signs again, this time slower so that I could mould the appropriate amount of chakra. I needed to be at the level where I could just use this technique without any hand signs for it to be optimal in the field. I took in a deep breath. Breathing always helped somehow control the chakra in my tenketsu. Maybe it’s because chakra was in our blood and the oxygen helped regulate it. I had no idea why; I was just speculating but I just knew it helped.

_Wind Release: Wind walker Technique!_

Yes! I pushed my feet of the ground and the hard soil cracked under its pressure as I bounded at high speeds again. I managed to catch my first step down this time! I would have whooped at the resounding success if that step didn’t suddenly make me go 50 times faster than the initial burst. I let out a sound between shock and terror as I tried to stop myself once again and ended up flinging myself straight through another two trees. I only managed to survive with my exceptional chakra control! I pulled my head out of a tree and growled in frustration. Sensei chuckling at my failure only made me growl more.

“What’s so funny?!” I barked, throwing my hands into the air.

“There’s just something universally hilarious about watching someone fall,” Sensei shrugged.

“Your sense of humour sucks!” I replied with a pout.

“Ninja,” Mamoru said in disbelief from behind both of us, gawking at the damage done to the trees before he shook his head. “Are you alright?” he asked me.

I nodded awkwardly, trying not to show how embarrassed I was about failing the technique so bad. It was one thing to stumble a bit learning a jutsu, it was another thing to literally fling yourself into a tree at insane speeds from failing.

“I know how to break my fall without causing injuries. The obstacle course of death taught me as much,” I said, grumbling the last part. The amount of broken bones I got from the time honing my senses still gave me nightmares. Sensei was absolutely nice outside of training, but he was ruthless and unyielding during our sessions.

“How much chakra did you use that time?” sensei asked.

“Not much… maybe half of that quarter. Why couldn’t I stop?” I asked, forcing down an embarrassed blush.

“Wind Walker increases in speed the more you continue. That’s why we’re keeping things to a straight line. The first step is to be able to control that speed, and then we’ll try changing directions before we even think of implementing it into your aerial Circle Walk manoeuvres,” sensei said ruffling my hair. “Now why don’t you keep practicing. Stop when your reserves are at about a half and take a break.”

“Hai,” I mumbled out.

Sensei pulled Mamoru away and I looked at the destroyed trees and sighed. I was pathetic. Sure it was my first time, but how could I fail so bad? I dug my feet on the ground again and took in a deep breath. I needed to focus. I _would_ get this down!


	15. Chapter 15

It had been 2 days since I was staying with the Furukuwa family. They didn’t have much food, or _anything_ really. I thought I knew what poverty was when I ate less during the initial start of the war. Clearly, I didn’t because the family ate even less than I did on my worst days. Sensei and I originally decided that we would eat our rations instead, but the family was strict. We may have been intruders in their village and home, but they had a certain unyielding pride about them. Hence, we ate their meals with them. I sat next to Emi; the little girl had the most beautiful honey yellow eyes like her mother. She was quiet, and a little shy but I could see her hands playing away as if she was holding her true self back. She was a hard worker too, helping her mother around the house and somehow staying out of our way at the same time.

“We thank you, for your hospitality,” sensei said, bowing slightly as he finished his meal. I bowed too.

“It is our duty to treat a guest,” Ryosai said.

I wanted to point out that we weren’t really _guests._ We were kind of the bad guys here, holding their village hostage for a reason I wasn’t told. It was getting annoying trying to read Orochimaru’s motives. He liked to keep things under wraps unless the team specifically needed to know to do something for his plans. He was crazy effective of course, but not really a great leader when it came down to it.

“I will be leaving on patrol,” Gaku-sensei said bowing again before taking his leave.

Mamoru wasn’t around. He was off to work actually. I had no idea why work was still going on when enemy shinobi were occupying a Lightning town. Wouldn’t their allies be here by now, bringing their combined wrath upon our team? I was sure they would eventually. Lightning was too proud to let Konoha have a piece of their land, even if it was an inconsequential small mining town by the border. What was Orochimaru getting at by targeting this town of all places? Kogyo wasn’t even on any map for all I knew.

“Sensei, can’t I come with you?” I asked, feeling more than impatient waiting in this small house for days. Besides training there was nothing to do.

“You know your orders Hina,” he said sternly.

I sighed and nodded. Then I began collecting the plates on the table only to have Ryosai stop me, a look of mild anger on her face.

“I will do it,” she said sternly.

“I don’t mean to offend,” I said backing of. “It’s just that I need to do _something._ ”

Ryosai’s expression softened at that. She gestured for Emi to come by. The little girl jumped at her mom’s beckoning.

“You can help Emi with her chores then,” Ryosai sighed.

I nodded eagerly. The little girl squeaked in surprise and then looked frantically between me and her mother before staring at me in what looked like horror. I couldn’t help but chuckle at how expressive she was. Then she gestured for me to follow her to the kitchen. She pulled her long dark hair into a bun above her head before throwing on a too large apron and handing me one too. I put it on wordlessly as she picked up a big bucket and lugged it outside. She was a silent kid, her body language speaking without need for words. It was incredibly adorable.

She pointed at the well and I followed her towards it. I’d never taken water from a well before, so I watched as she attached the bucket to the hook and fixed the lever before bracing one foot on the stone wall and lowering the bucket. She pulled up the water with great effort. I was once again reminded that just because she was only a head shorter than me, that it didn’t mean she had the strength I had at her age. I wordlessly got up behind her and put my hands on the rope and pulled it up easily. She gawked in surprise as it came up effortlessly.

“What are we going to do with the water?” I asked.

She blushed shyly and pointed to a bigger bucket by the house, then she pointed to the shed where a few cows and sheep lazed around. I nodded in understanding and we got about pulling up buckets of water. It wasn’t very hard work for me, but I was sure it was for a little girl like her. After a while she looked really tired, so I knelt down in front of her, my arms stretched out behind my back.

“Why don’t you jump on for a bit. For a piggyback ride,” I offered.

She looked shocked but then beamed a shy smile and scrambled onto my back. She was really light. I stood up and continued the chores she pointed me to do. Her chin rested on my head and sometimes she pet my head in a ‘good job’ kind of gesture that made me wonder if she was treating me like a dog. She was too cute to get annoyed at though, so I let it slide.

It was a few minutes in that she started humming. The song was unfamiliar to me, but it had a good tune. I realised as I continued washing the clothes, that this was peaceful. This simple life full of chores, not enough food, and long days of work was _peaceful._ I wondered for a second what I had missed out on, in my haste to be important, to be someone powerful and strong… what had I given up in its stead. A peaceful simple life.

Emi’s humming turned into a song, and her lips produced the sweetest voice I’d ever heard.

“The sun goes down, the moon comes up, the wind blows out and the rain falls. We sing a little song for food and water, and we eat to our hearts content. The harvests coming. The harvests coming. Gather your friends and family for a meal brings hearts together~”

It was such a sweet song, and with Emi’s little childish voice it just seemed to make it more calming. I realised she hadn’t pointed me to my next task, and I jumped her on my shoulder, and she chuckled in response.

“What next Emi-chan?”

“You’ve finished all the chores,” she mumbled into my head.

I sat down by the porch and she climbed down to sit next to me. She hummed another tune, although her expression was sad as she looked past the house in the direction of the mines.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

"Tousan goes to work all day with all the other men," the girl lamented.

I winced in sympathy. She shuﬄed her feet anxiously and them put on an optimistic expression.

"It's ok though. Tousan told us it's kaasan’s and my job to protect the home!"

I nodded in agreement, sitting next to the girl, and putting a hand on her soft head. I never had a sibling in my old life. I had kid cousins though and I remembered vaguely how they used to enjoy my ﬁngers running through their scalp and untangling hair.

"That is a very important job. Do you want to know why?" I asked.

She nodded eagerly. I smiled and turned my thoughts to home.

"Because home is where the heart is. Where's your heart Emi-chan?"

"With kaasan and tousan!"

"That's right. So protecting the home is very important. It's not a building or a structure, it's where the people we shared it with are."

I ruﬄed her hair and smiled sadly as she chuckled. A scratch of worry festered in the back of my mind. Kogyo may have been home to this little girl, but it may not be soon, not with Orochimaru occupying the place under his tight grip. Whatever he had planned could very well end whatever heart this kid had left to protect.

"You're really nice nee-chan," the girl said, beaming a blinding smile my way.

I sucked in a breath. Goddamn she was too precious for this world. I wasn't nice though. I couldn't protect that smile. When it came down to it, I was weak. I was only starting out on my new career. There was no edge I had over others.

“I’m not nice Emi-chan. You shouldn’t trust enemy ninja so easily,” I said gently.

“But you helped with all my chores, and you let me ride on your back so my feet wouldn’t hurt,” she said with a healthy dose of childlike innocence. “So you’re not my enemy!”

I was going to explain myself to her, so she wouldn’t go around treating the rest of the Konoha Shinobi without fear, when the scent of bloody metal caught my nose. I sniffed the air, closing my eyes and sent chakra to my ears. The sound of feet! I jumped up and flipped a kunai into my palm before blocking a senbon that would have hit my face. I jumped into a defensive stance in front of Emi.

“Emi, go inside right now!”

The little girl scrambled back but neither of us barely had any time before I was assaulted by a boy about 16 or 17 years old. His long black hair whipped in the air as he jumped backwards and pulled his tanto away. Fuck, a sword user. His striking red eyes made me pause. The only other people I’d seen with red eyes were Uchiha when the Sharingan was activated, and some members of the Kurama clan including Kurenai. Maybe there were members outside of Konoha who also had those eyes.

“A child,” the boy tsked.

“You would do well not to underestimate me,” I said falling into my Tiger Palm stance. I didn’t spare Emi a glance when I spoke to her next. “Go inside now Emi.”

“No! He’s going to hurt you! Shinobi-san, Hina-chan is a good ninja!”

The raven-haired boy’s eyes widened in surprise for a moment before they narrowed. He straightened out his deep blue kimono and his expression schooled into something impassive and harsh.

“You are a member of Lightning and you dare ally yourself with an enemy ninja of the Leaf?” he asked. “I will kill you once I finish this fight.”

My jaw set firmly as I dug my feet into the ground. The boy came at me again and I snapped into my Tiger Palm stance as he came at me.

_Tiger Palm Fire Style: Form 1 Quick Claw Strike!_

My body twisted under his arms before I slammed my curled fingers straight into his stomach, ripping into flesh before I did the same with his throat. I dug my fingers in, expected to pull out the throat and stomach when the body disappeared into a puff of smoke.

_An illusion!_

I didn’t see an attack coming until the edge of his blade was on my side. I jumped away as I felt the force of the blow send me skidding away a few feet. I hissed in pain as I held my bleeding sides.

“Faster reflexes than I anticipated. Why are you wearing a Genin uniform?”

“Hmm, praise from an enemy,” I replied amused.

“It won’t matter. You will be dead in a second,” he said pulling out his sword.

He hadn’t even _unsheathed_ it and I was cut?! I cursed mentally as I got a read on his chakra. It wasn’t amazing, but it was calm and collected. None of the nerves anyone went into with battle was there. His form was… perfect. A Jounin then? It was hard to tell as he wasn’t wearing a traditional Kumo Jounin uniform.

“If you’re here and I haven’t received backup then it means there’s an attack on our team,” I summarised with a frown. “You’re a Jounin.”

“Yes.”

_Well fuck_

The boy whose eyes were closed opened and then suddenly there were six of him, all surrounding me. Emi jumped back in shock and bumped into one of them. I called out her name but to my relief she was allowed to stumble away from the fight and back into the relative safety of the porch. I darted my eyes to each of forms. Normally I could distinguish between clones easily enough. The original always had a higher level of chakra… but none of these clones even had a drop of chakra. I was confused beyond reason. I didn’t have time to question it when they all came at me at once.

_Circle Step: Form 1 Aerial Style Disarming Whirlwind!_

I flowed like the wind, just how I had been taught. I predicted each movement, flowing with the attacks rather than against it, my palms hastily slapping away the sword hands. He was overwhelming me with sheer number and skill though. I gasped in pain as a sword stabbed through my abdomen, and another through my chest. _Kage Bunshins?_ No, these weren’t Kage Bunshins. Kage Bunshins would have chakra. The blades dug into my further freezing my body in place, but I fought through the pain to block an incoming strike to my face. Out of desperation, I gathered the chakra to my mouth.

_Fire Release: Flame Bullet!_

I shot the condensed flame bullets from my mouth wildly at the several figures. It just went through them! The one that was about to strike my face dodged and then I realised something was odd. I’d been stabbed before. This felt like a searing pain rather than a blade through organs like it should have been. My brain was screaming at me to stay still, that moving forward meant certain death, but I pushed against the pain of the swords inside of me and leapt forward using Chakra Slide. The enemy vanished as I moved past them.

“Genjutsu,” I hissed.

“It seems you’ve seen through me. Impressive for a Genin. I would have your name.”

“Not until I have yours,” I said stalling.

“Matsu Kazuki”

“Suzuki Hina”

His expression was as serious as ever, but he tilted his head almost in a respectful way. I got ready in Tiger Palms second form, ideal for sudden movements in case a hit came from anywhere. I didn’t expect however for the ground in front of him to turn a deep red. The tendrils of darkness engulfed him, and I jumped back. It wasn’t enough though and soon I too was covered in darkness. The sound of his feet echoed _everywhere_ all at once, like it was there from every direction.

“You are in my world of darkness. I don’t use this technique against many. You should be honoured,” he said evenly, only a hint of arrogance touching his voice.

“By jolly gosh, I’m gushing,” I replied sarcastically.

His voice was unnerving. My palms were shaking, and that feeling of giddiness and nerves was threatening once again to take over. _Breathe!_ I took in a deep breath and closed my eyes. There was no time to be frightened. I had trained for this. I closed my eyes and curled my fingers tightly, drawing my chakra into its tips to make it as strong as any blade.

_Concentrate_

To the right! I ducked under the blade and aimed for the stomach. I felt the air twist as he dodged to the right. I continued striking, using my ears and my nose to pinpoint his location. We traded blow after blow in a struggle to aim a hit and then he jumped back a good distance away.

“You can see me,” he said in disbelief.

I couldn’t help the smile that took my face. Seeing him was definitely a way to put it. I thanked the lord for sensei’s intense training.

“Taking away my sight will not accomplish anything,” I said determinedly as I took my Circle Walk form 1 stance.

“Then I will simply have to take _more._ ”

I twitched my nose in confusion when his scent changed. The tapping of feet came from either end and, I had to make a split decision to dodge both at once, unable to get a hold on which one was real. I let out a gasp as I felt the blade make a deep cut at my thighs. I rolled away, but the assault continued. Right! No left—I couldn’t tell. My senses were going dizzy, suddenly assaulted with fresh honey dew and sandal wood before the scent of rotten eggs and dung hit almost as quickly. The air currents from the blade, and the sound of his feet was undeniable though. One of them had to be real. I cursed silently as I dodged a blade only for a fake tanto to stab into my right shoulder and a real one stab through my hip.

“Argh!”

I forced myself to stab further into the fake sword so as to get away. The tanto in my hip painfully brushed bone and I gasped as I felt my blood gush out. I jumped away once more. That was the worst blow so far. How—how do I see him?

“You show promise and yet your village sends you to die so young and untrained,” he pointed out.

“Ah yes, they seem to have something against me living,” I replied shakily.

“A pity, you would have done well in Kumo. Unfortunately, fate has made you a steppingstone for my power.”

Was this the famed battle banter that I had witnessed in every shounen anime ever? So far people had been logical and just fought silently to the death, so this was a little off putting. Maybe he was stalling and talking gave him the time to plan out his next move. I hoped it was a sense of arrogance and not a distraction.

“If killing a Genin is your idea of a steppingstone, we need to rework your standards,” I replied with a grunt.

“Hina-san!”

 _Emi?_ I swerved to feel the girl fumbling into the darkness. What the hell was she thinking? I could hear the sound of rushing feet in her direction and I intercepted. The tanto’s blade cut through my hand, stopping short in front of Emi.

“Get away now!” I shouted.

“B-but you’re hurt!” she cried.

I hissed as Kazuki pulled the sword out and jumped away. I kept my focus on his feet, trying to keep track of the real him as my senses were once again assaulted. The blow to my head threw me into something hard. I was getting dizzy. My body was starting to grow numb. I was losing too much blood. Was I going to _die_ here in a genjutsu, unsure of what’s real and what’s not? I cursed, my hands going to the omamori dad had given me. I felt the material in between my fingers and despite the ache in my legs stood up. I _couldn’t_ die here, I wasn’t allowed to, but I was so numb.

A whisper of a memory from long ago pulled at my conscious. 

_“Joanne come sit next to me.”_

_“Aww come on, I wanna watch the tv. My favourite anime is on now,” the little girl grumbled._

_Mom coughed, her sickly body thin and covered in tubes, even at home. The little girl grumbled and sat next to her on the mat. Mother lit some incense, and then she took in a deep breath and bent forward until her head was on the floor. She was flexible like that. Cancer or not._

_“Mom, you shouldn’t exert yourself,” the little girl said worriedly._

_Mom didn’t listen. She never did. Instead she continued those movements of hers. A martial art common to our culture. A south Indian martial art called Kalarippayattu. Her movements were fluid and harsh, one moment calm as a gently flowing river and then striking like a snake._

_“How are you able to continue without getting tired?”_

_She looked at the little girl,_ at me _, with those warm dark brown eyes. I was entranced by the smile on her face, her easy breathing, as if no lung cancer could ever beat her down. She continued her kata before she stopped in front of me._

_“This is a breathing technique,” she said softly, “something that can fill your lungs to the fullest. Always remember this. Breathing is the strength to the soul.”_

_Now watch Hina_

I opened my eyes and it came back to me. I questioned my sanity for a moment. Mother had said that in a different time, in a different _world_ , and yet every instinct was telling me that I needed to listen. My chakra coiled and flicked inside of me, and I suddenly felt hyper aware of my energy once more.

Breathing is the strength to the soul. Mother had said that like a mantra before, and when she had lung cancer she breathed in and out doing her exercises daily. I’d never taken it to heart, and suddenly now it seemed so clear what she was telling me.

Breathe.

I sucked in a deep breath and closed my eyes. Breathe. It was like somehow this was the first breath I had ever taken. It was deep and strong. My lungs filled with the energy I had sucked in. I let the breath out through my mouth and my head cleared.

_I can see you_

Even in the darkness, with my senses assaulting me with different smells and sounds, caught inside a Genjutsu I very well could not dispel, I felt calm. It was like a fog had cleared from my mind, and now I knew what I needed to do. One move. I only had one chance to catch Kazuki by surprise. He was stronger than me, quicker and more experienced. All I had was surprise, and what I needed was speed. I would need to perform the wind walker at Jounin level speeds, which sounded impossible, but my mind supplied to me a calm unlike any I had known before. I knew then that I could do this.

Legs drawn back, centre of gravity lowered, draw the air taught against your body, push it back against the curve of your form, split the wind in half and then build the chakra against your feet. Then move!

“Wind Release: Wind walker Technique,” I whispered.

Then I leapt. My first step hit the ground hard, harder than I had ever hit any ground. I could feel my bones crack at the impact, but I focused on cutting the winds to my palms, using all my chakra in this one strike. I leapt again, my body doubling in blinding speed and before Kazuki could take an opening to dodge I slammed my fingers into his neck. The genjutsu shattered and the boy coughed out his blood onto my face as we both slammed into the ground. I curled my fingers into his neck and with one last movement cut it off.

Then the sudden bout of chakra that had flared in my system overloaded, and what had been a surge of power was now overheating me to my very core. It felt like my blood was boiling, like my insides were burning and the scream that escaped from my throat was silent as the blinding pain flared and then suddenly stopped. My body fell limp onto the ground, and I turned to see Kazuki’s head rolling across the field.

“The sun goes down,” he said, voice a whisper, like for one moment while his head was severed, he was still there, still reliving a memory.

It took a few seconds before the light died in his eyes, and I was left wondering why he spoke those words last. The lyrics from Emi’s song, I realised. I rolled back with whatever strength I had left to look up at the sunset gradient. Ah, it was beautiful.

“Hina-san!”

Emi was kneeling besides me, her mother rushing towards us too. I coughed out some blood and closed my eyes shut as the pain came anew.

“Left pocket. Red pill… give me,” I whispered.

Emi stumbled through her tears to and shakily dropped the red pill into my mouth. I swallowed it down and my body jolted at the sudden influx of chakra. I knew what I needed to do. Keep it going straight to my wounds. Ryosai, pulled her hands underneath my body and picked me up gently.

“Emi bring me a bowl of hot water! Take the alcohol from the cabinet now!”

I was too out of it to stay awake after that.


	16. Chapter 16

* * *

WARNING- Mention of rape/non-con. It’s heavily pointed at, nothing graphic.

* * *

I blinked my eyes open slowly, feeling like my whole body was a stone unable to move. My blurred vision slowly came into focus on a cracked wooden surface, a fan creaked methodically above me as it blew barely any air into the hot room. Yama yipped and whined besides me and I forced my hand up to pat his head consolingly. His sounds seemed to stir sensei, who smelt like blood and sweat. I twisted my head to see his grim expression, none of the normal bravado or humour in them. He kneeled besides my bed and put a hand on mine, closing his eyes tightly.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“What for?” I asked, my voice coming out more hoarse than anything.

“It was my duty to protect you and I failed,” he said harshly. “You’re my student—I should have—”

“I’m a shinobi,” I interrupted, rolling my eyes. “Stop being so melodramatic Sensei. You know how I feel about all that emotion.”

He chuckled, his eyes tearing up slightly, but he blinked it away quickly. He put on one of his standard feral smiles, but it didn’t seem to reach his eyes this time.

“I’m glad you’re ok. I thought I lost you there for a second,” he said, his breath hitching at the admission.

I finally looked down at myself and understood why. I was covered from head to toe in bandages. My skin was covered in horrible dark blue and purple splotches. I remembered being cut into, but not beaten with blunt force so it was surprising to see. I couldn’t feel the hole inside my abdomen or my palm where I had been stabbed through. Someone with medical ninjutsu capabilities had healed me then.

“How did the mission go?” I asked as I pet Yama’s head which was on my lap.

“Orochimaru hadn’t told us he was baiting an S class Kumo nin for a fight. Apparently, this town had been her birthplace. She brought a team of Jounin to crush us. It was a close fight, but we’d prepared several traps to catch them off guard. We didn’t expect they’d come in from the west wing. It wasn’t an optimal place of entry.”

Ah, hence why _I_ was there and not anywhere else. I noted that sensei didn’t refer to Orochimaru with his traditional sama suffix. I guess he wasn’t pleased with the man anymore. I couldn’t blame him. I was annoyed and I was a Genin who shouldn’t even expect to be in on the big boys table yet. To jump this on a bunch of professional Jounin without so much as a warning must have lost their trust in him. He deserved it for all I cared.

“You managed to take out a _Jounin_ kiddo. This is him.”

I took the bingo book from sensei and read up on Matsu Kazuki.

* * *

**Matsu Kazuki**

**Kumogakure Jounin**

**Age: 14**

**Missions Completed**

**D-12**

**C-20**

**B-40**

**A-10**

**A primarily Genjutsu and Kenjutsu user. Mother is reported to be from the Kurama Clan, with the Kekkai Genkai ‘Sense Ensare’. Use precaution when engaging. Best course of action is assassination as outside of his Genjutsu technique is around mid-Chunin level.**

* * *

I let out a sigh. There wasn’t much on him, not that it mattered now considering he was dead. I bet he was rolling in his grave after spouting all that bull about using me as a steppingstone or whatever. I put the book down and mulled over the events that passed.

“Sensei—when I was fighting Kazuki-san, I remembered something from a long time ago,” I admitted.

“What is it?” sensei asked, an amused tint in his voice. He had every right to be amused, especially since I was only nearly 7 years old right now. I hadn’t lived very long at all to him.

“Have you ever heard the phrase ‘breathing is the strength to the soul’?” I asked.

Sensei went into thought for a second before he shook his head. “No I don’t. I can’t say I have, but there are variations of that saying. Breathing is a good technique to clear your head and regulate your chakra.”

“I was dizzy from blood loss and I didn’t have very much chakra left, but I took in a deep breath and I managed to use more chakra than I did when I first attempted the Wind Walker technique.”

Sensei paused and then sent me a look of disbelief. “How is that possible? Senjutsu?”

I shook my head and frowned. It wasn’t Senjutsu, at least not to my knowledge. It felt like I had somehow managed to draw in whatever power I had inside of me to its ultimate limit, even if it was just for a moment.

“I can tell if chakra from outside is coming in. It didn’t,” I said. “It was like my tenketsu flared with extra chakra.”

“That’s because you somehow managed to flood your bloodstream with oxygen. You popped more than a few vessels.”

I turned to the feminine voice and noticed a Hyuuga walk in. It was Mitsuri-san. She had her black hair tied up in a bun and the scratches all over her pointed to a look of exhaustion. I’d never seen a Hyuuga look so ruffled before. I turned back to my body and suddenly all the bruises made a lot more sense. So chakra was related to oxygen in the bloodstream. That kind of made sense. Fuinjutsu was often drawn with blood because of the chakra inherent in it.

“What you did was irresponsible,” she said harshly. “But it saved your life so I will lay off. Just never use it again in battle.

“Ah, sorry Mitsuri-san,” I mumbled.

She waved off the apology before she pulled out a list and began reading out my injuries. Broken legs, multiple stab wounds, extreme blood loss, a concussion, and several fractures. I paled as she continued, and sensei winced besides me.

“All in all, you’re lucky to even be alive. I will not have you walking on your legs for the next two weeks.”

“Ne, Mitsuri-san—why doesn’t it hurt? Do I have nerve damage or—”

“Before you get ahead of yourself; no,” she said bluntly, holding out a hand to stop me from talking. “I’ve put you on some pain medication. It’ll be wearing out in a few hours. After shocking yourself alive with a soldier pill, the crash is expected to happen in the next two hours. The overabundance of chakra in your bloodstream from your little stunt had somehow stabilised it.”

In other words I was one lucky fucker to even still be alive. I sent my old mother a big heartfelt thankyou to the heavens before I turned my attention back on the medic in the room. She looked cross but at the same time a thoughtful expression took her face, as if she was trying to figure something out.

“How did you pull the oxygen in?” she finally asked.

“I don’t know, I just breathed,” I shrugged.

“You just _breathed,_ ” she said in disbelief.

“Well it felt a little—no, a _lot_ different from a normal breath, but that’s essentially it,” I said with a frown of my own.

“Gaku-san, once we get back to Konoha get this girl some chocolate and hug her.”

With that utterly baffling statement done and said, Mitsuri abruptly left the room. I turned to sensei with a confused expression which he mirrored equally. We both opted to shrug.

“How’s Emi-chan doing?” I asked, trying to change the conversation.

“She’s been having a hard time coping with nightmares.”

“Wait— _nightmares_? How long was I out?” I asked.

“About 4 days,” sensei sighed.

“What?! And we haven’t left the village yet?” I asked.

“You weren’t the only one injured. Himawara-san is in critical condition. We estimate she will die today sometime. We don’t leave a Konoha Shinobi behind until we know they’re dead.”

Himawara-san… I felt my stomach turn a little. I knew her of course. She was from a smaller clan that specialised in traps. She was probably one of the people who helped Orochimaru rig the village before the enemy shinobi attacked. I sighed. What did I expect? Jounin or not, these were just people. They could die just as easily as I could. Kazuki was a reminder of that. If I ever became Jounin, I vowed to never underestimate any opponent, Genin or not.

“Emi-chan, is alright, though right?” I asked. “No injuries?”

“You’ve become attached huh?”

I nodded, unwilling to hide it. “She reminded me of something I lost.”

“She’s fine. Now get some rest. From now on Yama is not going to leave your side.”

Said dog barked in affirmation, before sitting up and alert. I chuckled before leaning over painfully to pat him. Sensei was here… and I felt safer.

* * *

It seemed that despite everything Orochimaru had no heart. I was there watching helplessly as he blew up the mines, the source of income for the people here. The miners watched behind a line of Shinobi too, their expressions one of utter defeat. I winced in sympathy and mild anger. This was logical, but so heartless. It barely made a dent in Kumo’s resources and yet it meant the world to all the people who lived here, scraping to just get by. We had destroyed their source of major income and worst of all their _will._

I couldn’t watch further so I gestured Yama to carry me away. I bit through the pain as Yama carried me back to the Furukuwa family home. Ryosai wiped her face with her kimono before turning around, her expression schooled. It looked like she had been crying. I sat on Yama, unsure of what to say or do.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

She took in a deep breath, the anger behind her eyes dying. “You don’t have to apologise Hina-san. I should be thanking you for saving my daughter’s life.”

Emi popped up from behind her mother and sent me a teary look. I gestured for the girl to come and she did. I pulled out a kunai from my holster and Ryosai froze in sudden fear. Then I flipped the blade so that the handle was facing the little girl. She took the blade with wide tearful eyes.

“Emi-chan, do you remember what I told you.”

She nodded, wiping away the tears. “Home is where the heart is,” she mumbled.

“That’s right, and your heart should always be with your family.” Then I turned to Ryosai. “I know it’s not much consolation for what we’ve done to your lives Ryosai-san, but there’s a Kumo town by the Shingeku mountains that is in need of extra hands. I doubt there will be any business here in the future. You should leave there.”

She blinked in shock. This information was not easy to come by, especially for poor miners or farmers. This was purely for the ears of Shinobi plotting war tactics, and yet I had told it to this woman, an enemy of our country. Yet, not an enemy of mine. She bowed low and I felt sick.

“Thank you. Thank you, Hina-san,” she cried.

“Don’t thank me, I don’t deserve it.”

“You’re not like the others, you’re better.”

I really wasn’t, but I didn’t have the energy to fight so I just nodded and ran my hands through Emi’s hair one more time. I gave the girl my best smile before waving and leaving. Yama took us both to sensei. A woman was crying behind him. Suki was grinning madly, twirling her kunai around her fingers expertly. I noticed the scent of blood and… _sex._ I wrinkled my nose in disgust as the implications hit me loud and clear. Definitely unwilling. My stomach roiled in revulsion, but sensei had it covered.

“It’s not fitting for a Shinobi of Konoha to act this way,” he said, voice sharp and hard.

“Come on, she’s a lot of fun. Her husband was even more so,” Suki purred.

“We’re leaving _now_ ,” sensei hissed, grabbing her by her forearm and dragging her away.

Suki looked over her shoulder and grinned at the sobbing woman like nothing was wrong at all. “See ya later Tsuru-chan,” she sing songed.

The woman just drew her torn kimono up, hugging her arms closer to her body before sobbing. I looked away, unable to really come to terms with what I had just seen. It was so wrong. I’d read in my first world’s history books what enemy occupation was like, the injustices that happened when someone who saw you as less than human had you at a gun point… when all the depravity of the world came out in full. I didn’t see this in the Naruto anime, because well, it was an _anime_. It wasn’t real life, there was no Talk no Jutsu in real life, no insane plot armour, and sometimes no happy ending.

I spared the crying, broken woman one last look, before sensei gestured for Yama to come. I buried my face in the dog’s fur and bit my lip.

Why was I so angry?

* * *

The trip back to the Konoha border post was long and tiring. By the end of it I felt like dead weight. My legs were still broken so I was carried by sensei and Yama in turn. Thankfully because I was so small it wasn’t so embarrassing. Shiro-san unfortunately was a grown man and being carried was a much different experience for him. He was passed around like hot potato between the other Jounin since he was pretty heavy, Uchiha or not.

My interaction with the team was much more regulated now, with sensei never leaving my side. He tried to play it off as a need to make sure he’s around if anyone decided to ambush us again. I knew it was because he didn’t trust me alone when Orochimaru and Suki were around. I didn’t blame him, I didn’t trust those two either, and I was desperate to never have to interact with Suki again, not after what she had done.

_Disgusting_

My mind liked to supply that word often when I thought of Suki and her actions. I wondered how many more people in this team had also done the same. Who here tormented a civilian just because they could? I liked to think I wasn’t the most morally righteous person, that I was someone who wasn’t afraid of getting my hands dirty, but I was wrong. There was a level of depravity that even I wouldn’t succumb to.

Eventually though we managed to get back into the Land of Fire and I was grateful because dog or not, my thighs were numb from riding, and my bones being jostled around from tree jumping after just being barely healed was extremely painful. It was just my luck that I finally managed to succumb to a fever the day we arrived at the border post. I was shipped of to the medic room with Shiro and we both lay on the bed too tired to talk.

“Hina-chan!”

I turned to the familiar voice and noticed the person coughing was Hayate. I blinked in surprise when he came and sat by me. There were a few small new scars over his face. He must be seeing a lot of action too considering this was the border post closest to Kumo.

“You look sicker than me,” he chuckled.

“Gee thanks,” I mumbled, coughing a little as he made me laugh.

“What happened?” he asked curiously, looking down to my bandaged form.

“You should see the other person… well what’s left of him anyway,” I grumbled.

“Of course. You’re too strong to let someone get away with this right,” Hayate nodded smiling down at me from the toothpick in his mouth. Ah, another person from team Shisui treating me like a kid sibling. I didn’t take it to heart though. Actually it was kind of endearing in a way.

“Is Shisui and Yugao ok?” I asked finally, trying not to let the trepidation get to my voice.

Hayate nodded much to my relief. He seemed to slump a little though. “After sensei—well the team just hasn’t been the same. Shisui nearly got promoted to Chunin, but sensei was adamant against it.”

“Shisui?” I said in disbelief.

“Yeah, but apparently he isn’t even the youngest. Apparently a 7-year-old kid managed to get promoted too,” Hayate said shaking his head in irritation.

“Kakashi,” I breathed out.

“You know him, huh. You prodigies gotta stick together right,” he chuckled before devolving into more coughs.

“Ah, are you alright?” I asked.

“You’re the one in a hospital bed,” he replied with an unamused expression. “Want me to get Yugao and Shisui here for you.”

“If you could,” I nodded.

I was once again reunited with the team I fought alongside. The will of fire wasn’t entirely a lie. There was definitely something _uniting_ about killing other people with your friends. In a morbid kind of way, war actually built up strong comradery considering you were trusting these people with your life. I had barely seen or talked to them in months, but they had a bond with me now that was hard to describe. It was like neither time, distance nor change would affect whatever was between us.

When I Shisui saw me again he pulled me into a hug, fever or not. His eyes trailed to the rather large scar on my palm where I had taken a sword through it. If only he saw my hip. His Sharingan activated for a second before he took deep calming breaths. Yugao patted me head and sat to the side silently, being the ever serious, silent pretty girl that she was. I noticed she had _two_ katana now.

“We were worried about you,” Shisui sighed. “After I found out where you were going to go—”

“Well we had Orochimaru-sama on the team. He’s practically a one-man army,” I said trying to defuse the suddenly emotional situation.

“And yet you’re here,” he said with a sad smile, the deep bag around his eyes similar to my own.

“Ah, well he’s in a grave if you’re wondering,” I said with a grin.

“No remorse huh? You’re brutal,” Yugao smiled with… approval.

“We need to stop meeting here,” I said gesturing at the hospital room. They all nodded in agreement. “Wanna play poker?”

They all got in a circle around my bed and we started a game, which much to the nurse’s ire had the rest of the recovering shinobi join in. That was the story of how I lost my shin-guards gambling.


	17. Chapter 17

~3 weeks later

I closed my eyes and breathed Hanami's scent in. She was the same as ever, the smell of pine, dear, and chestnuts. Her arms wrapped around me in a hug and I awkwardly tried to wrap my arms around her too. It barely could reach past her waist. Something wet hit my shoulders and I froze.

"I thought you died," she said, her voice cracking.

"I'm right here," I said with a chuckle.

"Dammit little leaf, stop being so squeamish and take my love!"

I let out a squeal when she crushed me in her arms.

"Aggh, let go woman! I'm injured!"

"No dammit! This is punishment for making me worry!"

I struggled a bit until she ﬁnally pulled herself away. Her eyes were shining with tears, but her face was drawn into a worried frown. I let out a sigh as I looked at those warm brown eyes of hers. I missed her.

"Now remember don't use any more strenuous moves on your legs for another week or so. Keep yourself on those crutches for about a week. You will also need to go to the West Wing to make sure your hips are working to full effect. If you don't go to physical therapy properly you could injure yourself further and be pulled from active duty for life."

I winced at the thought. All my effort gone down the drain because of one injury. I vowed then and there to take physical therapy very seriously.

Hanami explained the rest of the medication I needed to take for the next few weeks. Mostly tablets to get my blood level back up and to ensure my body was healthy with the vitamins it wasn't getting during the mission. I had pretty much stunted a years’ worth of growth... which I cursed the idea of constantly in my head. What was the point of being a ninja if I couldn't even grow up to be a muscle-bound idiot?! Was I destined to remain short forever? As a taijutsu specialist? The thought itself made me want to jump of a cliff.

"Ne, Hanami-sensei, you know I'm not going to keel over and die the moment you let go of me," I pointed out blandly.

She whacked me up the back of my head. I grumbled a 'troublesome' only to smile and be reminded of the days before the war, when I would train every day with Hanami. I looked away, my smile fading. I had become stronger, faster, and deadlier than ever before... and I wasn't happy. Not like I had been before any way.

"Take care Hina. Look out for yourself ok. Take the time to be a child once in a while. Don't push yourself to rise up the ranks just yet," she sighed.

Well, I couldn't possibly stay a Genin for much longer, not when I had taken down a Jounin. On ﬁeld promotions were guaranteed for feats like that, but I just nodded. It’s not like I was dying for a promotion until I knew I could hold my own.

"I won't Hanami-sensei," I said softly.

"Good, now get out of here gaki. I don't want to see you in a hospital ever again!"

"Yeesh woman, I'm out!"

I was practically kicked out of the hospital. It had only been a day since I was back and most of it was spent in debriefing and getting my wounds properly treated. I swung back out onto the street on my crutches. Konoha had the same amazing scent to it, of trees and people and home. I smiled as I looked up at the Hokage tower. It was good to be back.

The three weeks I was at the Border Post at the middle of my 5 months had gone terribly wrong. Kumo had overrun the camp and I was too out of it to ﬁght. Sensei grabbed me and made a run for it, protecting Shisui, Hayate and Yugao at my insistence. We ran for a day with no rest to get the message across to the next outpost and we were dismissed. I would have been relieved to get my expedition cut short if it wasn't for the fact that I still remembered the sound of tag explosives blowing Shiro-san next to me. I winced at the memory of my teammate. He didn’t deserve that.

I think I still had pieces of him in my hair…

All in all, I felt like crap. My legs were healed by chakra magic, but they still hurt to walk on, and no doubt I looked like absolute crap, but I was ready to go home now. I held the omamori in my hands and smiled down at the amulet. Dad was right, it did protect me. When I was going to succumb to my blood loss, I felt it and remembered who I was coming home for.

I ambled to the store slowly on my crutches and waved at dad who was outside. He dropped the packet of bread in his hands, entirely forgetting the conversation he was having with the other adults and came running to me. He pulled me into a warm embrace, and I wondered just how many people were going to keep crying on me today. I pet his chest in a 'there there' motion and hugged him back.

"Tadaima."

"Okaire," he whispered, before his sobs turned into relieved laughter.

"Tousan your beards itchy," I complained.

"Oh, you like that gaki?" he asked rubbing his tear stained face against mine as I struggled and then devolved into laughter. This was going to be a thing forever wasn't it?

"Hey Tousan," I whispered.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for the omamori. It protected me."

"I knew it would," he said sadly before he took a look at my state, covered in dried blood, dirt and probably stinking to high heaven.

"Come on then Hi-chan, let's get you inside."

I picked up my crutches again and walked into the store to see Taichi by the front. His eyes widened at me and he came running in for a hug that knocked the breath out of my lungs.

"You're safe!" he said happily. Well at least one person wasn't crying.

I turned to the last member of our family. Yua walked down and stared at me with surprise. I looked down instantly from her face to her stomach. She was seven months in now. I wouldn't have scrambled to her excitedly if it weren’t for the baby in her stomach, my future sibling!

"Can, I?" I asked.

Yua nodded, a small smile on her face as she looked down at her stomach. I put my hands on the life there and then closed my eyes and listened to the heartbeat. It was magical how something so small could grow into a baby inside of a woman. I bit back the tears. It was just good to see some life, especially when everything you thought about revolved around death, death, and more death.

"So, what are the names we're thinking off?" I asked

* * *

I took my customary 5 hour coming home shower before throwing on the most casual clothes I had, a pair of plain small navy-blue shorts and a baggy mint green shirt with a picture of an onigiri in the middle. After I gave myself another haircut to keep the back of my hair short, I slumped back into my bed. Ah, peace and quiet.

"HINA-CHAN! YOU HAVE COME BACK FROM YOUR YOUTHFUL MISSION!"

Guy blasted open the door and I sighed. So not so peaceful then... I was tackled into a bone crushing hug by the taller boy and spun around a few times as he cried dramatically.

"So excitable,” I chuckled. “I'm still healing. Mind going easy on me?"

"Of course! I would not want to hurt you!"

He dropped me and I turned to see Kurenai and Asuma enter from the back. They gave me a warm smile, Kurenai hugging me gently. Asuma pulled out a scroll and handed it to me. It looked a little too fancy to be something he thought about giving me on his own.

"Who's this from?" I asked.

"Shikaku-san told me to give it to you. His wedding's in two days."

"What?!"

Oh I had totally forgotten about his lady problems with his future wife. I hadn't seen the man in about half a year with how busy I'd been, and no doubt he'd been. It was kind of hard to see anyone outside of work during war time. I opened the scroll regardless, feeling incredibly happy to be given this privilege.

_Suzuki Hina, you have been invited to Nara Shikaku and Nara Yoshino’s wedding on the 17th of November._

Then in chicken scrawl that the bottom Shikaku directly wrote to me. I couldn't help but snort at how unprofessional and lazy it looked.

_Just keep it to yourself ok kiddo, only close family and friends are invited. I'm sorry for not being able to come meet you. When I heard you were sent to the front lines, I made a fuss. Sending a Genin in so early? What were they thinking? They're saying it's an error on an administrative part but I'm looking into it to make sure._

_Anyway my wife's a real slave driver so don't get her any presents >:ooo_

I laughed at the end and folded the fancy scroll back up. Kurenai swooned.

"Oh, Shikaku-san is so lucky! Getting married to a beautiful lady because he fell in love. It's so romantic!"

"TRULY THE FLAMES OF YOUTH HAVE BLOSSOMED WELL INTO THEIR HEARTS!" Guy agreed, pumping his ﬁsts up as he cried.

Wow Guy would deﬁnitely have been a theatre kid if he were born in my old world. I just laughed and agreed while Asuma, the ever-chill dude he was, rolled his eyes at our antics.

"So how did you guys get in my house anyway?" I asked putting the scroll on my table.

"Your brother let us in," Kurenai shrugged.

Asuma ﬁnally took the time to look around me room and hummed something to himself. He was pointedly looking at all my pink furniture and then sent me a raised brow in question.

"I assumed your room would look different," he said amiably.

"Greener," I supplied, and he nodded. "Well actually, my kaasan brought me all my furniture so if it's all pastel pink it’s because of her."

"You don't seem bothered," Guy pointed.

"Eh, it's just colours," I shrugged. Honestly, the sheer brightness of my room did bother me at the start, but my eyes had adjusted to the ridiculous colours after a while.

"Well on a more important note, we need to get you something to wear to a wedding!" Kurenai said as she opened my closet and scowled at my assortment of kimono.

"What's wrong with these?" I asked.

"They just don't ﬁt you. Why do you have so many pink and yellow kimonos anyway? I didn’t think you’d like them."

"Kaasan," I shrugged once again.

"Well this one that looks kind of like a peacock suits you," Kurenai said holding out my favourite kimono.

"Well, clearly you have taste Kurenai-chan," I chuckled.

"Hmm, I could get it altered. You don't seem the type to wear a kimono. Too stiff."

"What are you planning?" I asked curiously.

"Well I'll end the kimono as a shirt, and we'll make the bottom hakama pants cut short to look like a skirt!"

"Didn't know you wanted to be a fashion designer Kurenai-chan," I said curiously.

"Don't get her started or she won't stop," Asuma sighed.

"Oh don't be dramatic!" Kurenai punched Asuma's shoulder. Said boy grumbled as he held his hurt appendage.

"You don't mind if I take this home with me, tonight do you?" she asked.

"Not at all," I said with a nod. I wasn't one to get attached to clothes.

"YOSH, LET'S GO GET SOME CELEBRATORY FOOD!"

I couldn't agree more.

* * *

I regaled my war stories to the trio, keeping the more morally bankrupt parts of it to a minimum. It was one thing to tell a bunch of kids that they should expect intense violence, it was something else to explain human cruelty. They didn't need to know about how a Konoha-nin tortured someone out of spite, or how she raped a civilian husband and wife, or how a Sannin went about executing an elder and then destroying a town's only source of income, hence dooming them to starve to death. They just... they didn't need to know that.

"That must have been scary," Kurenai said in worry.

"Well it was, but when you're ﬁghting to the death there's no time to be scared," I replied, before he reached the store. "Wait ramen?"

I hated how my breath hitched and how my voice cracked all at once. Judging from the looks I was receiving everyone released why I had paused.

"You're _afraid_ of... ramen?" Asuma asked in disbelief before he snorted and then burst out into laughter.

I whacked him over the head with my crutches and felt momentary satisfaction at his pain before I let out a grunt and mumbled in embarrassment.

"What is it Hina-chan?!" Guy asked.

"I said... I don't think I can eat ramen," I mumbled, blushing, and looking away.

"Why is that?" Kurenai asked, ever the caring little sweetheart she was.

"I had a bad experience choking on buk-choy ok!"

The trio looked shocked and then their eyes crinkled, and their cheeks puffed out like they were trying not to laugh at me. Suﬃce to say I whacked everyone over the head again.

"Oh come on Hina-chan! You have to overcome your fears to progress in life! Do not let the fear of buk-choy stop you!" Guy said, rubbing the bump on his head.

"Who's afraid of buk-choy?"

 _Oh fuck_. I wished I knew an Earth Release jutsu right about now so I could just drop myself into the ground and never resurface again. Minato, Kakashi and a familiar red headed woman walked up behind us. Kakashi was looking at me like I had just told him I couldn’t even tree jump.

"Nothing! No one said ANYTHING ABOUT BUK-CHOY!" I all but shouted.

"Hina-chan is afraid of ramen and buk-choy because she chocked on it before. Help us convince her to get over— hmph"

It was too late! I covered Guy's mouth with my palm, but the damage was done. Minato was looking at me like I had grown a second head. Kakashi was giving me a condescending smirk. And Kushina... well she was turning as red as her hair.

"How can someone be afraid of the most heavenly food?! Given to us by Kami-sama himself!" Kushina practically screamed in rage.

She hoisted me up under her arms and dragged me into the ramen stand seat. I sat down and turned green when I saw the man next to me eat ramen. I let out a sound between a whimper and a moan as I felt my soul leave my mouth.

“Ichiraku-san, 1 miso ramen please!” Kushina ordered.

“Please—no, anything but this!” I begged, but Kushina held me by my shoulders.

“A-ano, I know Hina’s normally green… but I don’t think her face usually is,” Kurenai pointed out worriedly.

“I didn’t know you’d become such a coward,” Kakashi snorted, barely holding back his betraying amusement as he rolled his eyes.

It felt like my whole world was closing in when the bowl of ramen was placed in front of me by the insulted looking chef. Kushina’s grip on my shoulder was like steel. I sent Minato a look, begging to be saved, but he was cowed by his evil girlfriend.

“It’s not poisoned you know,” Ichiraku pointed out with an unimpressed expression.

“Eat up then! I want you to take back what you said.”

Kushina practically had the bowl at my face and the smell made me nauseous. Memories of choking to death flashed through my mind and then the liquid hit my lips and I was forced to gulp down the broth. I shut my eyes tightly, wincing as the fluid went down the back of my throat. Nothing happened. I didn’t keel over and die, it just went down, but my heart was beating a thousand miles per second and in a bid of desperation I pulled of an impossible kawarimi with Kakashi. Said boy spluttered as the broth fell all over his face. I jumped up behind Minato, climbing his back like a baby monkey and hiding behind him from the monstrous lady.

“Minato-san, save me!”

“Ah, Kushina—maybe you should lay off—”

“Not until this brat acknowledges kami’s food!”

“Never!”

Oh my god, was her hair floating up like tendrils? What was this ungodly chakra? Minato dodged a swipe, trying to placate his angry girlfriend and then we ended up causing a commotion in the fastest game of tag I’d ever been involved in. Considering Minato could literally _teleport,_ Kushina had no chance, but by kami if she wasn’t _fast._

“Hina-chan please let go of me!” Minato cried.

“No way! Why are you dating such a scary lady?”

“Who’re you calling scary, brat?!”

“You! Leave me the heck alone!” I shouted back.

“Now, now Hina-chan you actually don’t think ramen tastes bad, do you?” Minato said placatingly.

“Well… no.”

“And you’re just afraid of it because you choked on it once.”

“…yes”

“See Kushina, she doesn’t think it tastes bad, she’s just _afraid_ of it,” Minato

Kushina seemed to reluctantly calm down. Thankfully, Guy, the beautiful soul he was, decided to interject and pull me out of my misery!

“Yosh, since it would be very unyouthful of us to distress Hina-chan, since she just came back from the front lines, we should go somewhere she wants!”

Kushina froze and then her expression turned into horror as she looked at me clinging onto her boyfriend’s back like a baby koala.

“ _You_ were out in the front-lines?” she asked. “Oh my god! I’m so sorry! Come here you little cutie, I’m so sorry for hurting you like that!”

In a complete 180 she grabbed me in a rather emotional hug and started doting on me. I just flailed around in her arms and gestured to the group for their help. Like the traitors they were, the left me to get assaulted by Kushina’s apologies and affections. Then when we ended up in an Akimichi Barbecue joint, I sat on the opposite end from Kushina so as to save myself from being attacked by her affections once more.

“Did you just come back from a mission too Minato-san, Kakashi-kun?” Kurenai asked.

“Yeah, we’re part of a blitz team against Iwa-nin up the North-East border,” Minato replied.

“Blitz?” Asuma asked, turning curiously to look at Minato.

“It means they target enemy camps in a quick hit and run. Lots of explosions and all that fun stuff,” I replied taking a bite of the beautiful meat I took from the grill. _Oof_ the Akimichi could _cook_.

“Yes, we usually attack enemy troops that have been reported to be travelling towards a border post. It makes sure that our more defensive fighters aren’t constantly bombarded. There’s also a risk of losing a post if too many enemies swarm it,” Minato continued explaining, which when he put it that way made the war sound like a deadly game of capture the flag.

“It sounds dangerous. Are you holding up fine Kakashi-kun?” Kurenai asked.

“Hah! Don’t underestimate my cool and hip rival! Kakashi must be acing it out there!” Guy said enthusiastically. It was kind of adorable how much he looked up to Kakashi.

“The idiot’s right. I’m doing perfectly fine,” Kakashi replied as unenthusiastically as ever.

I had no idea why girls fawned over that damper attitude, but judging by the way Kurenai was blushing, even she was having a minor little crush on him.

“Let’s not talk about the _war_ right now,” Kushina grumbled. “We just got out of that hell. Anyway, we need to plan a present for Shikaku’s weeding. You kids got any idea?”

“You’re going to?” I asked, perking up. “Do you know who else is going?”

Minato hummed in thought. “All the Clan Heads will be there, the Hokage, Inoichi and Chozo… and I’m pretty sure Jiriya-sensei and Orochimaru-sama will be there. Well that’s all the people I know anyway.”

“Orochimaru is going to be there,” I asked, perking up.

“Oh, you served under him didn’t you. What was it like working under such a cool Sannin?” Asuma asked, his fanboy turning on.

“Ah—um… a learning experience, I guess? He’s very… smart,” I said subduing my voice and sinking back into my seat. No need to go about voicing my concerns over his moral character.

“How’s Gaku-san doing by the way?” Minato asked.

“He wasn’t injured so he went back home, but Clans are slave drivers you know, and now he’s stuck doing more work during his break time,” I grumbled.

“Jealous he isn’t spending time with you?” Kakashi snorted.

I sent the boy a glare. “It’s _irritating_ that he’s doing work instead of relaxing,” I rephrased.

“I’m sure it is Hina-chan, but Gaku-san is a grown-up man with duties. It’s not always like this. During peace times there’s mandatory down times for all Shinobi,” Minato explained.

“I’m sure there is. Pass me the pork ribs,” I grumbled.

Then we started a conversation about some more menial things. The food was distracting enough, and once the topic of war was off the table, it felt a little lighter… a little happier. I could take that. And when I went home that day I hit the bed and blanked out instantly.

* * *

“Did you breathe?”

I turned to mom, her burgundy eyes, almost black twinkling in the night. Her breathing was harsh, a painful wheeze to it as she struggled to breathe through the tubes in her nose, ventilating her lungs for her. I looked away from the terrible sight, and up to the moon. It was unusually large and red. I felt the ominous weight of it in the sky, like a cancerous blotch on a once perfect memory.

“I breathed. I felt stronger,” I said, digging my fingers into my palm.

“It was never about strength Hina. It was always about finding your soul.”

“Hina,” I whispered.

Mom hummed in question, tilting her head my way. I winced as I looked away, unwilling to remember her in such a weak state.

“You called me Hina,” I said again.

“That’s who you are now, isn’t it?” she asked.

I turned to look at the porch and then to the building behind me. It wasn’t my old brick house with creeping vines and bushy roses that my dad liked to plant, it was a Japanese style house… no, a _Konoha_ style house. I turned to the forest and instead of gum trees, bottle brushes and wide arid land, it was tall trees, a deep green rather than the brownish hue I had come to love in my old life. I closed my eyes and sighed.

“It feels like I only seem to remember you when I sleep. Every waking moment is spent wading through memories like I’m knee deep in thick mud. I can’t—I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I should be fine. Not remembering is best, right? I remember Cat and now I wake up every morning without her next to me and my heart aches, and the next moment it’s like she’s not there at all. It’s frustrating.”

I stopped my rant and realised my breath had become shallow; my nails had sharpened into points that were digging into my thighs. My… white thighs, not the caramel colour they were before, but the pinkish peach colour they are now. I felt an inexplicable panic at that. It just wasn’t… it _was_ me. This was me now.

“You’ve buried your soul so far down that you don’t breathe,” mom said shaking her head in disappointment.

“Why is it always _breathing_ with you?” I scowled.

“Because breathing brings strength to the soul.”

“Sounds like a bunch of cryptic mystical crap,” I said looking away.

“You’ve never really believed in the metaphysical have you, always caught up in quantifying things logically. Sometimes logic doesn’t explain what you truly need. Once you understand that, you’ll overcome any obstacle,” mom said, a smile on her sickly face.

“Why are you sick in my dream?”

Mom had been sick with lung cancer as a child, and the horrible tubes and strenuous breathing always gave me an unhealthy dose of panic, but she had overcome it by some stroke of luck. She hadn’t relapsed to my memory, but I wouldn’t know considering my memories were chopped at best. The sound of screams drew my attention to the forest.

“I’m sick because you are, and because this is how you willed me to be seen,” she said with a sad smile, completely ignoring the horrible screams from the forest and continuing. “You’ve always relied on Cat to be your heart Hina, but she’s not here anymore. She was the one who always helped you realise you were doing something bad. Without her what are you going to do?”

What was I going to do? I’d found a new family to protect, hadn’t I? I had new friends and new bonds, and they could guide me. I knew there was something wrong with me, but sensei and dad and my friends would tell me… right? Something felt so empty about that hope. It was like I was going every day with nothing but work in my mind, as if throwing myself into a constant state of distraction was the only tangible way to continue on. If I stopped, I was afraid I’d be dragged back into this eternal black void, an endless pit of suffocation, where my confusion and worry would plague me.

The screams in the forest took my attention again, this time it was closer. I jumped out of my seat as the crimson moon bled its colour into the sky, and it overtook the forest in one single swoop.

“Mom, get behind me—”

I turned around and she wasn’t there. The house had vanished too. I was standing in the middle of a forest, a deep crimson forest, the trees dripping its burgundy liquid from each leaf as if they were crying blood. I stumbled back in confusion and fear. Something grabbed my leg and I looked down to see the Iwa-nin I had first killed. I had forgotten this man’s face, but I remembered now how I had smashed his skull in painfully to kill him. A hand grabbed me from behind. I tried to throw them off, but their grip was too tight.

“G-get off!”

This made no sense! Why, why was this happening now?! I hadn’t thought a single thing about them when I murdered them. So why were they haunting me now. Sad blue eyes looked up at me, from the expression of a haunted enemy nin. Then I felt my body freeze when the last hand dropped to my scalp, holding my hair painfully. Kazuki stared at me, his lifeless pale eyes, reflecting the red moon.

“M-my imouto will miss me,” he lamented, no infliction in his voice, just a deep droning sound that didn’t sound human.

“I wanted to be an author,” an Iwa-nin droned, eyes lolling back.

And almost as if to torture me they all began mumbling random desires. I tried to move, tried to pull them off me.

“It was kill or be killed!” I shouted angrily. “I did it because I had to! You would have done the same!”

I was hoping for understanding, but they continued droning on like they hadn’t heard me. I gasped as something hot bubbled underneath my toes. I looked down to see a pool of black tar, a bubble popping only to be replaced by another. My feet were sinking! I was going to drown. No! I clawed and struggled. This is just a dream. A _dream_! Still, it felt so real! I tried to pry an arm off my shoulder and another of my leg, but my victims just held on, lamenting the future they would never have again as they pulled me down with them. I panicked as my chin reached the burning liquid. I pulled my face up to see my mother kneeling down in front of me, a sad smile on her face.

“You forgot how to breathe,” she mourned.

“Mom, no! Hel—”

My mouth was submerged. I felt the liquid take my head and I held my breath. _Don’t breathe! Don’t breathe! You’ll die if you do!_ I couldn’t keep it in for long, my lungs gave out and I opened my mouth. The tar filled it, its ashen taste overtaken by the toxic burn I felt it invade my throat and fill down into my air pipes. My lungs were burning once again. I itched my throat, hoping to tear skin so the tar would come _out_. The glimmer of light above me mocked me as I sunk ever more into the darkness. Until there was no light.

* * *

I wheezed awake. My throat burned as I gulped in air greedily. My vision adjusted to the darkness and I took a moment to calm myself. It was just a dream. Just a dream. I repeated that mantra in my head over and over again until my breath wasn’t so ragged. I rubbed my aching throat and a liquid brushed against my fingers. I pulled my hand out to see blood smeared in my nails and across my fingers to my palm. I struggled out of my bed, grabbing my crutches before I limped my way to the mirror, using a minor chakra technique to light the candle on my table. My dark green eyes trailed from my reflection to my neck. I had somehow scratched my throat in my sleep.

“Just a dream,” I whispered, a small reassurance that did nothing to ease the bundle of nerves in my stomach.

_Just a dream_

I took in a deep breath, calming myself before I made my way, as silently as I could, to the bathroom. I pulled open the medicine cabinet and began cleaning my wound and disinfecting it. Once that was done, I pulled some gauze around the cuts and wrapped it up. I looked like shit.

I used to look in the mirror and admire these muscles because they represented the effort I put in. No normal six-year-old was as well built as I was, with tight compacted muscles built for speed and strength. Now I realised how unnatural it looked on someone my physical age. I had to stand on a stepper to even reach the sink! What was someone like me doing out there? I began scratching the blood from my hands incessantly with soap until my skin was dry and not a spec of blood remained.

I couldn’t look at my eyes. I used to think it looked cool on Itachi in my old life, how the lines on his face framed his pretty eyes. When I looked at those same lines on mine, it didn’t feel so cool. I just looked worn out. I shook my head. What had gotten into me?

“Don’t ever complain, never wallow in self-pity. It’s unsightly and unnecessary. It doesn’t matter what you did or will do. You have integrity, you pride yourself on your work, you take care of those who belong to you, and most importantly you never fail at your job. If you continue to feel needlessly guilty, you’ll only become a hinderance to yourself and your teammates.”

I slapped my cheeks again. Pep talk done. I was over it right? I _was_ Joanne Linus a successful career woman, and a rich biochemist! I didn’t stop for mediocrity, neither did I cave under pressure. I am Suzuki Hina _now_ , a prodigious Genin, who graduated at the age of 5 and successfully completed several B ranks and two A rank war missions in the span of a year. I did what was necessary, what my job entailed me to do, and I carried out my orders to the best of my ability because I took pride in my work and my accomplishments. That is who I am!

_There’s nothing wrong with not feeling any remorse. There isn’t._

“That’s right, you’re _the_ Suzuki Hina, stamina demon extraordinaire! You got where you are without Clan techniques or some fancy Kekkai Hentai or whatever. One measly dream can’t get you down.”

I walked myself back to my bed and changed the sheets before getting back into my quilt. I stared at the ceiling for a long time, then shut my eyes for another hour or so. No sleep came. I grimaced as I stayed wide awake for the rest of the night.

I was going to be alright… right?


	18. Chapter 18

“What happened to your neck?!”

“It’s nothing Rin,” I mumbled blushing. “I just fell?”

Rin huffed and rolled her eyes. “Don’t be ridiculous. It looks like someone was trying to tear your throat open!”

“Let’s just leave it ok,” I snapped.

“Ok,” she said, a frown still on her face. “But you got to let me heal you first.”

“You know medical ninjutsu?” I asked, surprised.

“I got help from the hospital. They say it’s hard mixing yin and yang chakra together, but I’m a natural at it. I thought you could too, since you have really good chakra control,” she said.

“Having good chakra control doesn’t mean you have the automatic talent to create that healing chakra. I’m kind of jealous,” I mumbled.

Rin chuckled at that, holding my chin up as her fingers brushed the scratches. “Not all of us can be speed demons and taijutsu experts either. Now hold still, I can heal this, but it will scar.”

“Permanently?” I asked, paling.

“No, probably just a light scar that will fade in the next year or so,” she mumbled.

I let out a relieved breath. I didn’t need anyone seeing self-inflicted wounds on me for the rest of my life, not that it would look suspicious with all the other scars. I felt a warmth prickle at my skin, making it go numb as cells energised and multiplied. I paused at that. If chakra could force cellular regeneration, then couldn’t it double the amount of blood, and therefore oxygen pumped into one’s body? I was going to ponder that line of thought when Kurenai walked into the room holding my outfit for the weeding.

“It looks amazing!” I said with wide eyes as I looked at the cute outfit. The once long kimono was waist length. I put it on and tied in the short navy-blue hakama pants, that looked kind of like a skirt with the way it had been stitched. Rin clipped in the emerald studded fan hair pin that Guy had gifted me for my birthday and beamed an excited smile. She was wholesome like that.

“You look amazing!” she complimented.

“Now time for the makeup!” Kurenai exclaimed excitedly.

It’d been a while since I’d worn make up. I used to wear a light amount in my previous life, having been far prettier than I was now. Being stupidly average in my looks in this life had made me complacent. It didn’t help that I was physically 6 years old. There was no reason for me to look pretty, not like how it had helped me in my previous life. Still, it was a nice feeling, to have friends, even if they were practically babies in my eyes, taking care of me. Kurenai was surprisingly good with makeup, and she knew what earthy tones suited my face. Since we were six and only had a limited amount of supplies to go on, the makeup was extremely light and sparse, but it did improve the bags under my eyes and for a moment I could picture myself with a face free of stress lines.

“You look so pretty,” Kurenai squealed.

I chuckled at how girly they were acting. It was in moments like this, that I was happy to let them act like the children they were. That’s when Taichi bounded into the room, freshly baked cinnamon rolls in tow. Kurenai and Rin had rubbed off on Taichi from the first moment he laid eyes on them. He was giving them head pats and treating them like his little sisters. I snorted at his antics. He never got to play the big brother role with me, not with me not needing his protection and having about 30 years more life experience on him. He was a meek kid too, no spine, despite trying his best.

“Thank you Taichi-kun,” Kurenai said as she picked up a roll.

“These are delicious,” Rin agreed.

Taichi looked at me and then his eyes widened. “You look so pretty Hi-chan! Here let me braid your hair!”

Taichi managed to braid my bangs to the side of my head before pinning it down with the hairclips. He was surprisingly good at a lot of girly things. I was _not_ jealous. I let him swoon over my looks for a bit before I walked out of the room and down the stairs. Dad looked at me like I had grown two heads for a second before giving me his proud dad grin.

“Oh my baby girl is going to be a looker!”

I groaned into my hands in embarrassment. I didn’t need to _ever_ hear that from my dad again. Kurenai and Rin snickered, and I promptly said a goodbye before retreating into the safety of solitude. They had helped me prepare, but I had a wedding to go to. I walked amiably on my crutches to the Nara district and sniffed out Hanami. She noticed me and gave me a smile, patting my head.

“You’re looking very pretty,” she complimented.

“Not as pretty as you Hanami-senpai,” I grinned.

“Oof, demoted to senpai,” she said holding her heart in mock pain.

I just chuckled. I knew she didn’t care. We walked towards the Nara main hall, which was decorated with white lilies. I had a sinking suspicion that the decorations involving flowers had gone quite overboard because of one Yamanaka Inoichi. I wasn’t complaining. It was all quite beautiful. I looked around and noticed several prominent figures, including two of the Sannin, Minato, and the Hokage. Several Clan heads milled around and took their seats on the pillows on the floor. I was given a chair by a Nara boy as he noticed my crutches. Hanami waved a quick goodbye as she went to sit with the rest. Sitting at the back wasn’t too bad. I noticed some of the elderly were besides me, so I wasn’t exactly alone.

Nara Shikaku's wedding was a surprisingly traditional event. To my amazement the couple exchanged weapons as a sign of marriage rather than rings. Now that I thought about it, rings weren't a thing here. Apparently ceremonial weapons were. That was actually kind of cool. Then the couple went about praying to a shrine, dressed beautifully. I barely paid any attention to the ﬂowery background. Everyone was sitting traditionally on their knees, silently watching the ceremony unfold. Inoichi was deﬁnitely not crying. I had to hold back a snicker at how emotional the Yamanaka man was. Then to ﬁnish off the ceremony the couple said a rather passionate vow in regard to what they held dear to their hearts.

"I Nara Yoshino, vow to love and protect my family, my village and my precious people. I will hold the Clan teachings to heart, and further Konoha's and Nara interest to bring honour to the Clan."

"I Nara Shikaku, vow to honour and protect my family, my friends and my village. I will hold the Clan teachings to heart and bring honour to the Nara name through my deeds and actions. I hereby partner myself with Nara Yoshino till death do us part. My greatest vow is to bring peace to my family."

So it was more a personal thing. I ﬁgured the order in which they said their vows reﬂected on what they valued most and judging from how similar both vows were, it seemed they were on the same wavelength. I was beginning to prefer this to the marriages from my old life. This was simple, short, and serious. Vows were important to Shinobi, so marriages were taken very seriously. Because of this a lot of Shinobi didn’t marry. They slept around and had children and would form family units for a while, but very few married outsides of Clans, especially for _love._ Nara Shikaku was indeed a very lucky man.

“Ok,” Shikaku said clapping his hands and looking as excited as a Nara could get. “Time for the food!”

Most of the Clan heads got up respectfully but many of Shikaku’s personal friends seemed to holler in excitement, jumping up to congratulate the man heartily. I couldn’t help but smile and jump in as one of those people. Shikaku had practically raised me along with Hanami. He was kind of like the cool uncle I never had but always wanted.

“Yo,” I greeted with a grin.

“Ah Hina-chan,” Shikaku greeted.

“Congratulations Shikaku-san. You get to have a bit of fun now,” I said wiggling my brows and pointing to Yoshino. “You’re pretty lucky.”

“What’s a brat like you insinuating things like that for?” he asked unamused before he pet my head fondly.

“She’s right you know. Tonight’s going to be fun for you. I’m jealous,” Jiraiya added in, breathing through his nose as his expression turned perverted. Then he looked down at me and I realised Orochimaru was behind him.

“Oh you’re the little girl who ruined my time at the hot springs!” he said crossing his arms.

“That’s what you remember?” I asked affronted.

“Already making important connections, eh. You’re definitely a Nara,” Shikaku smiled.

“Congratulations Shikaku-san,” Orochimaru said curtly as he handed the man an intricate scroll, his eyes trailed on me for a second before he promptly left.

“Yeesh, what a stick in the mud,” Jiraiya huffed.

That was one way to put Orochimaru. I realised I had snorted in agreement and then turned up to see Jiraiya sending me an odd look. Thankfully, I was saved by Inoichi and Choza who had practically pulled their teammate away for drinks. I looked around for Hanami and realised she had disappeared off somewhere, leaving me awkwardly with Jiraiya.

“I finished decoding the scroll you gave me,” I said crossing my arms and frowning.

“I got your message brat,” he huffed. “That was surprisingly quick.”

“Orochimaru-sama gave me pointers,” I shrugged, tapping my crutches in sudden awkwardness.

“He _helped_ you?” Jiraiya gawked.

“Is that such a surprise? He seems like the kind of man who enjoys the academics,” I said pointedly.

“What Clan are you from kid?” Jiraiya asked unprompted.

“I’m not part of a Clan,” I huffed.

Something about that sparked curiosity in Jiraiya’s eyes. He hummed in thought before unsealing a scroll within a scroll and then he tossed it at me. I struggled to catch it as my arms moved from the support of my crutches.

“Decode that and come back to me. I’m off to find some _real_ women,” he said before dashing off with that stupid perverted grin of his.

I shook my head in bafflement. How did someone like him manage to become a Sannin? I opened the scroll and it was infinitely more complex than the one he had given me before. I hooked the end of it to my hakama skirt and vowed to figure this out before I got out of physical therapy. I was tempted to throw myself straight into figuring it out now, but this was a weeding celebration and I was determined to relax for a day.

With the thought of food in mind I made my way to the buffet table and loaded my plate with an assortment of sea food and sushi. I was acquainted with almost everyone here already. Most of the Nara kids knew me growing up, but we’d all parted ways a year ago and I’d hardly talked to them since. I wasn’t ever one for playing with children in the first place, so none of the relationships I made here had much past the way of acquaintances. So, I awkwardly hobbled my way to the shade of a tree, managing to hold a plate and two crutches somehow before leaning my weight on the bark and eating.

“Jiraiya is teaching you again?”

I jumped at the suddenness of the voice. How the heck had I not sensed him behind me? I turned to see Orochimaru lean into the tree besides me. I nearly had a heart attack. I sent the Sannin a look and wondered just how I had managed to catch the attention of such an influential and powerful figure like him and Jiriya. Clearly the world was either in my favour or very against it. I didn’t know which way this would play out, but I was sure associating myself further with Orochimaru was not a good idea.

“Orochimaru-sama,” I said curtly.

“It’s a pity our mission got cut short Hina-chan. There was more to teach you,” he said shaking his head.

“You don’t like wedding’s much do you?” I asked munching on sushi and trying not to look alarmed. It helped when I spent a whole two and a half months with the creep.

“These little festivities help boost morale during war,” he said vaguely, before slitted amber eyes trailed down to my neck. I had to repress a shiver, wondering if he knew how to create a cursed seal just yet. I really did not want to find out with a non-consensual hickey any time soon.

“Y-Yoshino-san is feisty,” I pointed out, changing the topic to the bride who was in the middle of a drinking contest with a bunch of other Jounin. The Hyuuga, Aburame and Uchiha clan heads did not look amused.

Orochimaru in all his unending creepiness ignored my change of subject entirely. “Jiriya is not a good teacher. If you have any questions you can come find me. I’m usually at my lab in the Soraya district.”

I was openly gawking at the man now. All the alarm bells in my head were ringing at once. Oh kami, I was fucking screwed. I was getting a _personal_ invitation to his lab! That was practically a golden card to a trip being dissected on a metal table for experimentation. Was I on his list of candidates? I needed a way to get out of this as quickly as I possibly could.

“T-thank you Orochimaru-sama, but I have vowed to get strong on my own merits.”

“Surely accepting help from me is not so different to accepting help from Jiraiya, or any different to your current Jounin sensei,” he said with way too much logic.

Well damn, that made too much sense to turn down. It wasn’t like I could point out blatantly that I didn’t trust him. Honestly if things were going my way, I would have nothing at all to do with the snake Sannin. I would rather choke on buk-choy again than to gain ‘power’ from a cursed seal or augmentation. If Minato and Jiraiya could become strong on their own merit, then so could I, without any ridiculous cursed hickey, edgy opticals, or broken blood lines. I just needed my strength, my wits, and my hard work.

My reasoning was good and all, but I needed to get _him_ to understand that. Dammit, this wedding was meant to be my off day from this bullshit. I sucked at lying so I would be honest without being rude.

“Not to be rude Orochimaru-sama. I’m just rather stubborn when it comes to teachers. My sensei makes training plans for me, but I learnt the taijutsu forms on my own, as well as all my jutsu. I want to make my power my own. It’s a personal nindo of mine, so if I were to come to you for help, I’d like to keep it that way please.”

That wasn’t my most subtle attempt at stating that I definitely did not want him handing me a powerup on a silver platter. I got where I am now with hard work. Yes, I had help, but Gaku-sensei just gave me the tools and direction and I had to make my own way. Jiraiya just pointed me casually to the next piece of Fuinjutsu I would need to understand.

“That is certainly an admirable nindo but do take to heart that sometimes life’s gifts are gained through _alternate_ means.”

Ah, that was certainly a way to look at things. Orochimaru craved the Sharingan, specifically the Mangekyo Sharingan. I couldn’t blame him, as far as bloodlines went, the Sharingan was broken. Creating giant skeletal monsters, pocket dimensions, time warping genjutsu, and a whole bunch of absolutely insane bullshit that any normal person without it would be hard pressed to defeat. It rubbed me the wrong way. Orochimaru craved that power, and I found myself… hating it.

No one was born equal, and some people were just blessed with genetics beyond comprehension. In this world it was a lot more relevant compared to my old one. In that world your race didn’t matter, beyond where you were born. An Indian was no different to a European or an African, in everything except looks. Everyone was born on a relatively similar playing field when it came to genetics. Here, it was different. Uchiha and Hyuuga dominated most battles. The other Clans managed to keep up with decades worth of honed Clan jutsu that were broken in their own rights. Maybe I was being petty, having been born without any of those things in this world, but I wanted to be _better_ than them. When I saw people like Guy struggling as everyone belittled him, I wanted more than anything to prove to them that he could be great… that people like us could be great.

I wanted to say all those things to the Snake Sannin, but I settled with an, “I will keep that in mind.”

He nodded before disappearing of somewhere. I was glad. I didn’t need the stress of having him hanging around me all day long. I would have to visit his goddamned lab now, but definitely not before making it very clear that several people knew I was there with him. He was not going to get away with fucking with me, Sannin or not.

“Ah Hina-chan, it’s good to see you here.”

I looked up to see Kushina waving at me, before turning back to Yoshino. I waved back with a quick ‘yo’ before making my way to her and Minato. The two women looked absolutely smashed. Minato as usual being the responsible one was decidedly not drunk. I was tempted to join in too. I poured myself some sake before taking a swing of it and making my way to her.

“Hina-chan, you shouldn’t *hic* drink or you’ll *hic* stunt your growth and be a midget forever,” she slurred.

“Oh this is my husband’s gaki huh?” Yoshino laughed, swaying on her feet. I was taken into a choke hold by the bride and I felt the breath leave my lungs. Thankfully, Minato, bless his beautiful bishounen soul, came to my rescue, prying me off Yoshino’s grip as she slumped back in her seat.

“Minato-san! My saviour,” I cried out, ducking behind his legs.

 _Huh?_ Why had I said that out loud? I found a hiccup make my way up my throat and then I realised I was drunk? I only had a cup! I swayed on my feet before deciding in all my uninhibited glory that Minato was the perfect perch. I climbed up his back and clung to him like a baby koala, because he was surprisingly comfy and safe, and he saved me from that horrible Kushina and now Yoshino. He was a saint. I patted his head.

“Good Minato,” I mumbled, my eyes drooping.

“Oh kami-sama, you’re drunk. Who gave Hina alcohol?” Minato asked in exasperation.

“I think she drank it before *hic* she came to us,” Kushina huffed.

I giggled as I stroked Minato’s fluffy golden hair. It was so soft! Why was he so pretty?

“I bet Naruto’s hair is this soft too,” I giggled.

“Who’s Naruto?” Minato asked curiously, pushing my fingers away.

“So soffttt,” I slurred instead, before promptly falling asleep on his shoulder.

* * *

I woke up with a rather mild headache. Then after a moment I realised I was in my bed and that I had gotten drunk and promptly embarrassed myself in front of the future Hokage. I groaned, throwing the blankets over my head to block the sun, and then letting out a muffled scream of embarrassment. I can’t believe I did that!

I looked at the scroll by my bed and then promptly pulled the sheets back over my head. Nope… just nope. I wasn’t ever going to leave my bed ever again!


	19. Chapter 19

Physical therapy was quick and painful in this world. They took you off pain medication and just straight up expected you to soldier through walking until you got it right. Of course they stopped and healed you with chakra once you were done, but it wasn’t an easy process. I was panting like I’d done several marathons with Guy once my first session was over. My hip hurt like hell, not to mention my legs were burning. They’d mended the bone with medical ninjutsu, but that meant the bone was brittle. I needed to walk on that shit, and it hurt like all hell.

“Today’s your last day kiddo, do a lap around the field and they’ll let you out,” Sensei said ruffling my hair.

I nodded determinedly. Today was the day no amount of tiredness would take me down. I rubbed at the dark circles under my eyes and walked stiffly to the field. My therapist, a particularly hard-assed older man was waiting there with his binder, ready to note down my progress. I took off quickly, shutting my eyes and focusing on making sure I didn’t stumble, and that he saw a clear view of my hips moving freely. It wasn’t a particularly hard lap to do but twisting my hips had been painful and I tried to keep a straight face once I finished.

“Hn, she’s free to leave, but no strenuous exercise for more than 3 hours a day on that hip,” the man said abruptly before leaving for another patient. Poor guy was swamped.

“Good job kiddo, let’s go get some celebratory food,” Sensei said grinning.

“Eh, Sensei can you help me with decoding that Fuinjutsu scroll?” I asked

“Once you get some rest. No need to stress over it, Fuinjutsu is an art learned and mastered over decades.”

That certainly made me irritated. I wanted _results_ but Sensei was right. Fuinjutsu wasn’t progressing very fast for me. It didn’t help that I could find hardly any useful material on it in the library. I had half a mind to actually visit Orochimaru for some help, since contacting his more elusive Sannin friend was impossible.

“Do you want to ride Yama?” Sensei asked as his dog yipped in agreement.

“Nah, that’s ok but thanks Yama. I can’t be carried, forever can I?”

Sensei and I went back to the Akimichi sweet shop we first went to when we met. I ordered chocolate waffles with strawberry and he ordered a swirly sundae. It wasn’t often I ate sweets, but I did enjoy them. Sensei seemed uncharacteristically silent though.

“Hina, I want you to take this request very seriously.”

Oh what was it now? I played with my fingers nervously as I glanced at Sensei and then back at my waffle. He hardly looked this serious, but it felt like I was seeing more and more of it recently.

“Sensei, you’re worrying me with that Uchiha look,” I teased.

“Hina, take this seriously,” he said with a frown.

“Sorry Sensei,” I said quickly.

“We don’t normally send Shinobi your age to the kind of missions you’ve been to,” he said, brows furrowing with anger. “What happened was uncharacteristic of how Konoha operates.”

Sensei was phrasing things weirdly. I blinked and then realised he was talking to me with double meanings. This was about our conversation with Orochimaru, where I had correctly deduced that I was in fact put out in the front lines with a purpose. For what reason though, I was unsure.

“You’ve been requested for a psyche evaluation,” he continued, taking an innocuous bite of his ice-cream.

I froze and it took all my effort not to just snap my head in his direction. I zeroed in on my food and let the implications settle. We were having this conversation here and not at his house because we were being watched. Kami, what had I done to gain this kind of attention anyway? Why would sensei call back to conversation we had on the mission and then abruptly jump to mentioning a psyche evaluation? What was I missing, other than a subtle warning about the evaluation itself?

“I’m perfectly fine mentally,” I replied.

He rose a brow at that. “What about those eye-bags I’m seeing.”

Now that was genuine concern. I winced away. Stupid persistent nightmares! I was better than this. I had no idea what I was so stressed over anyway. So what if I killed people and felt nothing about it? I bet there were a bunch of other shinobi who didn’t care about killing, who felt a thrill during battle like I did. I wanted to get confirmation, but I always froze. What if I was the only one? What if I got noted down as a potential village risk or something? These questions made me stop in my tracks and keep these feelings to myself.

“I couldn’t sleep because of the pain,” I shrugged.

“I can smell lies you know.”

“How can you _smell_ lies?” I asked incredulously.

“I just can, and you can tell me these things you know. Everyone is prone to nightmares.”

“Well, it’s ridiculous. I’m better than this,” I hissed before refusing to talk and digging into my waffle. “We came here to celebrate my recovery, right? Can we talk about this later?”

“Later,” he agreed, pursing his lips.

I sighed. The cat was out of the bag, not that it wasn’t already. I needed to invest in a make-up kit so I wouldn’t look like a sleep deprived missions’ receptionist.

* * *

I sat down with Shisui by the river we often frequented. This time it was just the two of us. I munched on a dango as we watched the twinkle of the sun reﬂecting from the water. It was very peaceful… well it would be without the looming psyche eval this evening.

"I wish we could do this every day. It's so peaceful," Shisui sighed.

I nodded in complete agreement. No training, no war, nothing to worry about. Just enjoy some food and watch the river. It was all supposed to be so easy, still it felt like something was clawing at the back of my throat pulling me back into danger. It always felt like that now, since the ﬁrst mission at the Border Post. Even during a peaceful moment my body refused to remain perfectly at ease. Oh how I had taken safety for granted in my old life.

"Do you think there's any real point to all this ﬁghting?" Shisui sighed.

I paused, wondering exactly where that thought came from. When I turned to look at Shisui, he looked nothing like a child. His eyes were dark, and his expression was grim. For a second it was easy to forget he was only 9 years old.

"That's a loaded question."

"Humour me," he said smiling.

"Hmm... I would say the point is to make sure we aren't you know— invaded,” I said dryly.

"But why can't we just _not_ invade each other. Just all of the nation's combine to work together?"

Well wasn’t that an optimistic thought.

"We'd need a unifying world ending threat for that. People speak with violence and with strength. You see that ant colony there?" I asked pointing at an ant hill by the river.

"What about it?" Shisui asked frowning.

"Come on, look closer."

I got up and knelt by it and Shisui sighed before he did too. He narrowed his eyes and looked confused. It was actually a rather large ant colony to be inside the village, but he probably didn’t see much beyond that. Not many people did.

"It's just a bunch of ants running around," he said exasperated.

"No, look _closely_. Do you see something off?"

He looked a bit closer. I'm sure he noticed what I was seeing. Certain ants were bigger than others and some were smaller. The smaller ones were carrying food to the next while an off-colour species of giant ant was invading the others nest.

"They're at war?" Shisui whispered in disbelief.

"Shocking isn't it? We're so caught up in our own human lives that we don't see something as inconsequential as an ant war," I replied with a chuckle.

"What's so funny about it?" Shisui asked, his expression looking uncharacteristically sad. I dropped my smile. I hadn't meant to make him unhappy.

"Ahh I'm sorry... I just— well, I like to think the world works with certain universal rules. Gravity attracts, the world goes around the Sun, and people kill for power."

"That's depressing," Shisui said.

"Well I guess it kind of is, but there's no use wishing for something better when it will never come. We could have peace for a while, maybe for the rest of our lives when this war is done, but that doesn't change the rules. We'll forget once again and war will live on, because we live on," I said picking up an ant.

Shisui looked down at the mound and frowned. He noticed it too.

"Why are the smaller ants ﬁghting now?"

"Ah, that's because the bigger ants— the warriors-failed. The little ones are now tasked with keeping the larvae safe, so they pick up the pheromones of the bigger warrior ants and take their place."

"How do you know so much about ants?" Shisui asked with a mixture of baﬄement and amusement.

I chuckled too. I'd learnt about ants in my ﬁrst year of chemistry, when I looked at their pheromones and how the ants used them to maintain a social hierarchy. That line of inquiry somehow made me stumble upon the invisible war that was being waged around our world by these tiny creatures. They fought like we did, even though there was enough food for everyone. It made me realise, that if _ants_ were doing the same thing humans were, then humans weren't the issue. The world's rules were botched. We were born into a cruel playing ﬁeld, one we simply did not have the power to change. 

"So if war will never end... what is the point?" he sighed.

I whacked him over the head.

"Hey! What was that for?"

"For being an idiot," I replied frowning. "The point, is that you live your life to its fullest despite your circumstances. You can't change the world, or its rules, but you can change your own life. Don't give up on it, or the people you have a duty to. We have a responsibility to our family. That is the rule of this world."

Shisui stared at me for a moment in stunned silence before a grin took his face.

"You sounded like Hokage-sama for a second."

I spluttered. What? I bit back a blush of indignation. I sounded like the head of a military state dictatorship. I didn’t know whether to feel flattered or insulted.

"You should be the future Hokage Hina-chan,” he teased.

"Me, a Hokage?" I snorted. "I'd rather choke on ramen."

I ﬂoundered on how to change the subject. There was no way in hell that I'd ever accept the position of Hokage, even if by the unlikely chance anyone would even want me there.

"You said you would teach me the Shunshin right? Can we do it now?"

"Hina," he said depreciatively. "You said we were going to relax today before your psyche evaluation."

"We did relax, now I wanna have some fun learning a new jutsu."

"It's really hard. Come back to me when you don't break your legs using the Wind Walker technique."

"That was one time," I grumbled in embarrassment.

"I'm serious. The Wind Walker is basically a variant if Shunshin. While Shunshin is good for quick bursts of speed, and is faster than the Wind Walker, the Wind Walker allows for the user to manoeuvre themselves while in the technique. If you can't even change direction with half the speed of a Shunshin, then you can't land a Shunshin."

I huffed but nodded in agreement. Shisui had practically mastered that technique, which in my opinion made him the fastest Shinobi in Leaf, asides from the Sannin, Hokage and Minato, but then again Minato could teleport, and that was just on another level of broken.

"Then teach me a training technique," I hounded.

Shisui sighed in resign. I did a little internal victory dance. This kid may not have been that much older than me physically, but he was a genius, and there was no way I wasn't going to use that to my advantage.

"Ok, the ﬁrst step to a good Shunshin is—"

* * *

I’d never really been to a therapist in my old life. As far as shit that traumatised me went, I was taught to deal with it on my own. Then again, I hadn’t been to _war_ in my old life, and I liked to think I had pretty thick skin, so all my previous trauma seemed so inconsequential in comparison. Despite never having been to therapy before, it did occur to me that therapy was usually held in a nice spacious area, preferably with a chair you could lay on to rant all your problems. This room looked more like it branched from the torture and interrogation department.

Then again, I was sure Danzo was on my tail, so therapy might as well have meant indoctrination…

I sat stiffly on the wooden chair, the incandescent light bulb swung lightly above me, casting shadows back and forth across the metal table in the middle. The man in the far end of the desk had a smile on his face, a rather disarming smile. Honestly, it would have been far more disarming if the room didn’t make me so uncomfortable. Seriously, no windows? What kind of psyche eval room was this? He ordered a few files together before sitting down on his seat and looking up at me, dark brown eyes now firmly on my figure. I suppressed a shiver.

“How are you holding up?” he asked.

_What a vague question._

“Just peachy,” I replied, cracking a grin of my own.

“It says here you’ve been to the front lines on Orochimaru-sama’s team despite being a Genin.”

“Ah yes, I have,” I nodded agreeably, keeping my smile firmly in place.

“I’ve taken note of your training. It seems like you’re quite a hard worker Hina-chan. What makes you so dedicated to getting stronger?”

I forced my fingers from fidgeting when his eyes briefly glanced at my hands. My fear was getting to me. I folded them before leaning back and taking in a deep breath. All clear thoughts came when you took a moment to breathe and think. That’s what mom had said… and she’d never been wrong. So what was his play here?

“Well I’m sure you have notes on my physical condition when I was born—the abundance of yin chakra,” I supplied.

“Yes, but that doesn’t really explain _why_ you train so hard does it? You’ve overcome this condition, there’s no need to push yourself anymore,” he said.

“Ah, well it’s simple actually,” I said humming, as if to feign thinking. “I don’t want to be expendable.”

I gave the man a sharp look, and his jaw clenched ever so slightly. So he _was_ working with Danzo. A ROOT member then? I kept my expression neutral, despite wanting to scowl and tell the man to go take his shitty organisation somewhere else.

“How would you have been expendable Hina-chan? All Konoha shinobi are treated equally.”

It’s a meritocracy was left unsaid. I had to hold back a scowl. Equal my ass. I wanted to tell it as it was, that the Clan kids got preferential treatment, that when it came down to it, they would rather throw in civilian children as canon fodder than to lose someone with a powerful kekkai genkai and Clan backing. If I, a civilian had graduated normally, I would most likely be dead within a month. I held my tongue for a moment.

“Ah, sorry Shinobi-san. I didn’t mean to imply anything distasteful. I train hard because staying in the Academy would not have done me any good. My family needs financial support.”

“That’s admirable Hina-chan. You’re working hard for your family, and you have a drive to be strong. We are however concerned about your mental health. Normally we do not allow such young children to the front lines or even to the border posts as it can be very mentally taxing. How are you handling your kills Hina-chan?”

Wow, what a question to ask a six-year-old. I blinked, a little taken aback. I shifted in my seat and for the first time I couldn’t help but let the frown take my face, before I pushed it back into a more neutral expression again. He was asking me a question that I had to bear my soul out to Gaku-sensei, to even admit. How was I handling my kills? The nightmares popped to mind, and I pushed it back down.

“I don’t need to handle my kills. I am doing what’s necessary, beyond that there’s not much to feel about,” I insisted.

There was no way in hell I was going to tell this probably ROOT agent about my nightmares. I hated them. I only killed those people because they were the enemy and yet my mind haunted me with nightmares. It was ridiculous. I should be beyond something like that. To my irritation the man seemed somehow pleased by my answer.

“I assure you Hina-chan, that someone with your potential would never be a disposable to Konoha. We have taken note of your skills and would like to offer you an opportunity to join a program that could make you even stronger.”

 _Oh here we go._ I kept my face schooled, although my nerves were wrung high by now. I wanted to get out of here. I didn’t want to end up one of Danzo’s emotionless lackeys. If I wanted power, I could get it the old-fashioned way—by _training_ and gaining experience.

“What does the program do?” I asked instead.

“It’s a well-guarded secret within Konoha. We only offer it to Shinobi who show potential. Think of it as an off-chute an ANBU training camp.”

“Would I be getting into ANBU through this?” I pressed, hoping to catch him off-guard.

“No,” he said, his smile a little forced now. “It caters towards a more _specialised_ position. That information is sensitive, but yes the training that you will go through, will be more effective than what ANBU experience.”

“Seems a little above my league, don’t you think? I am only a Genin,” I pointed out, hopefully to get him to finally leave me alone.

“We have a program for children too, and we find they become the strongest operatives.”

I wrung my fingers together and tried to think of more excuses. He was an insistent fucker. How the hell was I meant to get out of this now? It would look so incredibly suspicious if I refused. I had no reason to believe that ROOT was some amoral organisation bent on turning children into cold emotionless killers. I was probably recorded down as an opportunistic and clever kid who was eager to become stronger. It would be in my character to agree to this. Heck I definitely would have if I didn’t have future knowledge.

“Ah, you seem to be thinking over the offer. I should rephrase,” he said, his grin getting a little sharper, less kind. “This program is not a suggestion, although we do offer it as such out of courtesy. You _will_ be joining it, as is your duty to Konoha to obey orders.”

I found myself straightening my posture subconsciously before it hit me what emotion he had just evoked. I had to pause and take a moment to rationalise what had just happened. He had snapped from kind to authoritative quickly, catching me off my guard. That was the tone team leads took out in the field and so I had jumped into attention like some good little solider. I had to supress the scowl that pulled at my lips.

“I understand. It’s for the village after all,” I said stiffly.

His smile came back, but the sharpness remained. “Good girl. Now no doubt you should know that this conversation was never said.”

“Hai”

I was kind of hoping he would somehow forget mentioning that fact so I could go out and drop heavy hints to both Sensei and Shikaku. I had no doubts that they would be tailing me for weeks until I proved myself capable of keeping my mouth shut. I had somehow managed to get myself taken hostage without even being whisked away. At least… at least Shikaku had caught onto the oddity that was my mission assignments. He had said he was working on figuring it out. Knowing him it wasn’t an uncertainty but a matter of time when he’d stumble upon ROOT and Danzo’s secret dealings. I could hope that someone would get me out of this… right.

“Ah, about the program,” I said with a strained smile.

“Yes?”

“How do I know where to go?” I asked.

“You don’t. We will find you,” he said before standing up.

So the meeting was done, and honestly, I could safely say he was the worst therapist ever. I shoved my hands into my pant pockets and kept the trembling to a minimum. My heart was hammering, and I felt like I’d run a marathon, and this was just from a conversation. I was just so—so _angry_ and a multitude of other emotions ranging from frustrated to worried. This was exactly what I wanted to avoid, but somehow, I had managed to get myself unequivocally _fucked_.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So um... just decided to drop 10 chapters because I wanted it to catch up to the one I'm posting up on Fanfic.net Hahaha have fun binge reading now if that's your thing!

Nightmares were always something I quietly woke up from. I'd learnt to stop my body from moving or screaming at night. If I did then I would become a liability out in the ﬁeld. That didn't mean it didn't leave me shaken when I awoke.

I wiped the sweat off my face and took in a deep breath. I hadn't drowned... I was still here. Those people— the ones that I killed, were still just a means to an end. If only my subconscious agreed because it was acting out of whack. I was stone cold indifferent during the day, and really even in my dreams I didn’t care that I killed all those people, yet it was like my brain was trying to tell me I needed to feel guilty. I let out an aggravated sigh and took to the kitchen to ﬁnd me something to do with my time awake.

I paused in step when I noticed Yua sitting by the kitchen bench, hot cup of tea in hand. Her attention was on the window. It was raining. I paused, wondering if I should go back to my room, but it was too late, and her eyes locked onto mine.

"What's wrong Hina?" she asked me, a frown taking her face.

"It's nothing," I said tightly.

"Was it a nightmare?"

"Oh what a joyful, _caring_ mother I have all of a sudden?" I replied sarcastically, giving her a look of distrust.

Her lips pursed and she looked almost guilty for a second. She looked tired, which was rare. It was usually dad that looked tired, often putting on a smile despite the weight behind his eyes. Guilty or not... she had hurt me before and I refused to hold her to any kind of expectation she would inevitably fail.

"You're going to be an older sister soon," she said instead, a wry look to her face.

I nodded dismissively before striding to the fridge and bringing out some milk. I may as well since she was deigning me worthy enough to talk to all of a sudden. I poured myself a cup before taking a seat on the opposite end of the table.

"I'm going to make sure I don't mess up this time."

It was meant to be a whisper, and no normal child would have heard it, but I did. I bit back down the sudden pain at her words. I put the cup down and blinked back tears. The rational adult side of me reminded me that I had a mom, a real loving one who wasn't here with me anymore, that I was an adult who didn't need another one. Still, I came to accept that a part of me, the physically 6-year-old side, was in fact affected by the lack of affection and the strain I put my body through day in and day out. So I attributed this moment of weakness, the sadness that bubbled inside to be a weakness of my biologically childish body. I would grow out of it… _right_?

"I'm keeping this family aﬂoat with my money," I reminded her, eyes narrowing.

She pursed her lips and had the gall to send me a look of pity. I nearly broke the cup in my hand. Why? Why did it hurt so much to just be around this woman?

"You shouldn't have to," she whispered.

"And yet I am, and instead of being grateful you consider me a failure. The feeling is mutual," I hissed, blinking back tears. She ﬂinched at me and I enjoyed the reaction. It was good to know I could hurt her like she hurt me.

My anger burned further when I looked at her stomach. "And I do hope _you_ don't mess up again. I would not take it lightly."

I was surprised by the venom in my voice, but I was angry and afraid. Yua could treat me like shit all she wanted, but if she ever hurt the baby I would— I wouldn't know what to do. The idea of her rejecting my new kid sibling, treating them without the love they deserved... it made my blood boil.

I didn't want to further this conversation, so I decided to go out of the house. I didn't care if it was the middle of the night, I just didn't want to be there. Yua didn't stop me. I practically stormed out before making my way into the empty street. The moon was full above me, and for a moment I wondered if it would start bleeding, like it often did in my dreams. The moon didn't bleed, but the smell of metal, sweat and copper caught attention. Before I could blink a man in a blank mask was behind me. I jumped away but his hand reached out and grabbed my collar.

"You are summoned."

With that he ﬂung me into a Shunshin again and again until I was dizzy from the speed of his movements. It took a moment for my brain to catch up with my body and I realised that I was being kidnapped to _ROOT_. Of course the creeps did it in the middle of the night! Almost as quickly as it happened it stopped. I was shrugged off and stumbled forward from the larger man's arms as I barely managed to catch my footing.

The walls surrounding me were wide and tall, yet without windows. The metal stretched far down the hall and to the end was a doorway. I was shoved once again and took that as my cue to move. There was no way I could beat the man behind me. He was deﬁnitely ANBU level, and I didn't want the whole of ROOT on my tail.

I silently cursed as I walked in front of him, before descending into more and more stairs, passing hallways where I wasn't sure where it led. We passed through one more hallway before entering a room. A dozen or so ROOT members stood eerily still by the left wall. An elderly man turned to me, half his face and arm covered by his kimono and bandages.

_Danzo_

I stood straighter, unable to mask the uncertainty and fear on my face. I didn't want to be here. This may as well have been the worst possible situation for me.

"Utsuro," he greeted.

I blinked in mild confusion. _Hollow?_ Why did he choose that word speciﬁcally? I took a step back out of wariness when he strode forward to me. This whole thing screamed cult, and I didn't want any part of it. I'd even turn a blind eye and walk away, never to speak of it again, if these creeps would just leave me the fuck alone.

"You have caught my attention Utsuro," he said, drawing his one hand to my face and pulling up my chin.

I jerked my hand to shrug him off, but a ROOT ninja grabbed it warningly. Danzo gave him a sharp look and the ninja backed off, kneeling with his head bowed. I turned my attention back to Danzo when he moved my chin. Utsuro... he had used it to refer to me.

"My name is Suzuki Hina... you might have gotten the wrong person," I tried, voice coming out more wary than I wished it would.

"No I haven't. Tonight, you become a member of ROOT. We are the very foundation that Konoha stands on, our lives a testament to its strength, for Shinobi stand strongest in the shadows."

I let out a breath when he moved his hand from my chin and stood up straight. His cold brown eyes bore down at me and I felt incredibly helpless. It was almost like facing off against an insurmountable iron wall, a force of nature no human could confound. I stood no chance, not a single one to be deﬁant in this moment. He was forcing me to _submit_. The psyche eval was only yesterday. I had someone on my tail. I thought I had time to throw suspicion off my back before I took my concerns to Shikaku. I knew I would pay dearly for that assumption.

"Who do you ﬁght for Utsuro? In whose interests?"

I fought for my own interests. No one controlled me. I was my own person with my own will and reason to ﬁght. No one, not even Danzo could take that from me. For a brief moment defiance took over my fear response and I spoke before thinking.

"For my _family_ and for _myself_ ," I bit out.

I barely saw the hand that came to my face before the blow resounded with a sharp echoing sound in the backdrop of the enclosed room. I fell onto my back hitting the compact rock painfully. I held my cheek in shock before snapping my attention back to the viper in my presence. His expression looked disappointed.

Did he think I would be cowed simply because I was a child, simply because he overpowered me by every right? I cursed my incompetence. If only I was stronger—

"No shinobi ﬁght for themselves. They ﬁght to serve the Village. You will do well to learn this. You are but a leaf in a tree. Your strength comes from the roots and you will respect it."

His voice was harsh and demanding as it carried through the room. I stood up shakily and squared my jaw before nodding. I needed to stop antagonising the man who could easily kill me... who could easily kill Sensei or my family.

"Do you know why you are here?"

"A training program," I said, managing to keep my voice steady.

"That's right, a training program for those who will become the foundation of this Village. You should be honoured. It is your duty to lay down your life for this Village, as it is the duty of all Shinobi. ROOT embodies the core of what it means to be Shinobi. Show me your tongue."

"M-my tongue?"

My body jerked instinctually to _run_. It told me to run the fuck away, to escape whatever was making the hairs on my neck stick up. I made to move back when two agents grabbed me on either side. Danzo knelt down so he could be eye level with me.

"I won't ask again. Your tongue Utsuro."

I wanted to glare, to scream and curse and ﬁnd a distraction to run the fuck away, but the man's cold gaze, and the piling enemy presence in the room made me obey. I opened my mouth hesitantly and stuck out my tongue. I didn't think this would happen so soon. He was— he was going to _brand_ me, and I could do nothing about it.

When his ﬁngers held my tongue and pulled, I shut my eyes tightly. The ROOT agents holding me ﬁrmly in place didn't let me budge an inch. I blinked my eyes open to see Danzo's passive face before he narrowed his eyes slightly and my tongue burned. I shuddered as his chakra seemed to seep into me... into my very tenketsu, and I could feel it _inside_ of me. I wanted to puke. The burning pain in my tongue didn't compare to the wrongness that was his chakra in my body. My breath hitched and tears blurred my vision. I had to blink them back as he kept my tongue ﬁrmly in his ﬁngers. It only took a minute, but it felt unbearably long before he let go and I breathed raggedy, trying to get my bearings again.

"This seal will ensure you are unable to tell a soul about ROOT or our plans. Doing so will cause pain and instant paralysis. Do you understand?"

I nodded, taking in deep breaths to calm myself. Danzo took a step back and levelled me a look.

"You are the future of Konoha. This duty you will do for the village will be to further its cause. It is an honour," he said, making me bristle in anger. "Hakanai, escort Utsuro to her initiation."

The agent to my right nodded before grabbing my forearm and dragging me away. I half walked and half ran as she dragged me along, her strides too long for me to keep up with. We turned left and then into a frigid and cold room, empty and metal lined like the rest of this godforsaken compound. This room was dark— too dark to see in, but I felt the multiple chakra signatures, their shiver of cold metal and lack of any deﬁning scent other than the metallic tinge of blood that engulfed everything else. It was like— like they were nothing but the smell of a battle work kunai. Not human. _Tools._

I quivered as a spark of killing intent made me fall into my defensive stance. The air current in front of me wavered, and I jerked back as the kunai I sensed whizzed past my face. I jumped onto my hands and back onto my feet when the sound of a tanto caught my ear. It brushed my shirt, cutting it in the middle. They barely gave me a moment to think, and if it weren't for Sensei's intense training in ﬁghting blind, I would have already been killed. I froze momentarily as the killing intent spiked from all directions, sending my senses into a flurry. My hands gripped the sole kunai I had on me in a reverse grip and then the real ﬁght began.

I dodged a blow to my side only to feel a ﬁst to my face. I ﬂung myself back onto a wall and let out a cry of pain as I was unable to dodge a shuriken. It lodged into my arm as I tried to block it and another volley of other shuriken to my right. I jumped down hard, propelling myself with Chakra slide and slammed my feet into the side of one of the enemy-nin's knees, breaking bones and incapacitating him before I grabbed their head and crushed it with a chakra enhanced knee to the skull.

I ducked from a kunai only to ﬁnd my head caught between someone's hands. I let out a cry of shocked pain when knees rammed into my ribs again and again. I was ﬂung back from the blow and only barely managed to catch myself before I used my ﬁre release bullet jutsu. The ﬂames momentarily revealed the room and I was frozen in surprise when I noticed there were 4 ROOT agents in the ring and countless more all lined against the wall.

_I'm going to die_

The thought was followed by me ducking a kick. My ribs scraped together in my chest and I was once again reminded of my ﬁrst ﬁght at the border posts, and the absolutely incredible pain that were broken bones. I breathed hard. What— what had I done during my ﬁght with the genjutsu user? I remembered my mom's words, urging me to calm down and to— _breathe_.

_I breathed_

I closed my eyes, remembering the feeling in my stomach, and inhaled in from my diaphragm. I stopped it this time before the chakra spiked too far, my blood bubbling inside of me and my tenketsu ﬂaring with new energy. I could feel the steam escape my teeth as I drove my kunai into my next assailants’ hand before using tiger claw in rapid succession to assault their mask. I curled my ﬁngers with Chakra before breaking through their mask and then stabbing them again and again through their eyes and into their brain until their screams died and my ﬁngers were coated in blood and brain matter.

Before I could take a moment to gain my bearings I was tackled from behind. I ﬂipped into my aerial manoeuvre stance and threw the surprisingly light weight off me. I then grabbed the dead ROOT ninja’s kunai from their hands and rushed at the chakra signature to my right, trading blows with them. They were rather clumsy. I didn't have time to wonder why though, not when their kunai stabbed my shoulder. I let out a cry of pain before biting back the agony and grabbing the assailants’ neck, cracking it swiftly.

The ﬁnal chakra signature near me was small and ﬁckle. I could hear a whimper, a soft subtle thing I wouldn't have noticed if it weren't for my enhanced sensory abilities. I jumped at them, my blood boiling and body screaming in pain, but I didn't kill this one. I grabbed their neck and jabbed my ﬁnger into a pressure point before knocking them out. They had hardly put up a ﬁght. They fell to the ground and so did I. My weight giving into me and I gulped in air greedily as I tried to stumble to my feet.

There were agents all around, I couldn't possibly relax. Almost suddenly a weight lifted from my shoulders and I realised it was the killing intent that had driven me into a frenzy. Just as abruptly the lights turned on and I winced away, blinking my eyes to adjust to the sudden brightness.

The room I barely managed to get a glimpse of when my ﬁre brieﬂy illuminated it, suddenly looked much clearer. I glanced around the box like dojo I was in, and then slowly to the dead bodies on the ﬂoor. My breath caught in my throat as I saw their mangled and bloodied forms. They looked so small... _too small_. What had I done? What had I... _children_? I took a moment to get over my confusion. Judging from their physique they were about 12-14. They were— they were trying to kill me. I had no choice.

I stumbled away, into a defensive stance when the ROOT agent who brought me here stepped out. Her cold mask screamed danger. She shunshined behind me and I felt my world black out.

* * *

I blinked awake to an aching pain. I let out a shaky breath before stumbling up.

_ROOT!_

Then the pink hit me, and I blinked once again to get my bearings. I was back in my room, but I had been—no… that couldn't have been a dream. I got out of my bed and lifted my shirt to see gauze wrapped around my chest and a scar where I had been stabbed in my arm. Then I noted an unfamiliar black box in my room, and I walked over to it, surging my chakra through it to check for traps. When I opened the box, I was greeted with the unwelcome sight of a ROOT uniform. The mask I was given was like the others, white with two beady black holes for eyes, and an animal nose and mouth. I didn't have the heart to check out the rest of the uniform.

I closed the box and looked up to my dressing mirror and sighed. I looked like shit, and yet I had somehow never slept so well. Not a single nightmare, at least one good thing came from being knocked out.

_You slaughtered children_

I cut of my thoughts when that unfortunate fact reared its ugly head at me. I was simply protecting myself. I had no choice and really when it came down to them or me, I would always choose me. I didn't know them after all. There was no reason to feel guilty, yet if I knew, I wouldn’t have been so brutal. I would have given them more merciful deaths or tried to incapacitate them. I had though hadn’t I? I heard a child’s whimper and I knocked them out instead of killing them. I wasn’t cruel. I was realistic. It was a do or die situation.

Hesitantly I opened my mouth and pulled out my tongue. It was hard to see, what with it being at the back, but the chakra there was thicker. I sent some chakra to the area and the seal appeared. I snapped my mouth shut, nearly chopping off my tongue in the process when I flinched back. I made a noise between a whimper and a scream as I bent down into a squat, holding my head in my hands.

"What am I going to do?" I whined, letting out all the worry and frustration I had bottled up inside of me.

Gaku-sensei knew the psyche eval was shady. He had warned me as much, but even he wouldn't know about ROOT. It was a heavily guarded secret. I needed to get the word to him somehow. I could act suspicious. If I took off the gauze and showed him my bruises by 'accident' that wasn't telling him, was it? I would just have to ﬁnd creative ways to hint it to Sensei, and if Shikaku found out Danzo's ass would go through the wringer. The man was a genius, and I was sure he wouldn't take too well to letting a rogue organisation run around Konoha.

I bit my nails. Would it work though? Would Shikaku knowing change anything when not even the goddamn Hokage lifted a ﬁnger to stop Danzo. Sarutobi was bending over backwards for that man. There was no way the old man would dismantle his childhood friends traitorous project, not when he was weak enough to let Orochimaru get away with the shit he did. Maybe Minato could when he became Hokage... but that would mean I'd have to wait years.

I only let myself wallow in hopelessness for a minute before it turned into anger like all my ugly emotions seemed to like doing. I let out a frustrated growl before punching my dressing table and breaking a hole into the wood. I stood up and took deep breaths.

"Weak," I grumbled to myself.

This happened because I was _weak_. If I were strong no one would dare take advantage of me. I just needed to train harder. I refused to die a weakling, someone discarded and forgotten. I shut my eyes tightly and turned to my dressing table. Wood splintered out and some of my clothes inside were scrunched up from the blast.

How exactly was I going to explain that?

* * *

I found myself in front of Kakashi's house. I didn't know why I went; I just knew I felt the sudden urge to do so—like somehow this was the last chance I would get to talk freely. I'd never visited his home before. It felt like a place he normally didn't let people into. I paused outside the front yard holding the packet of mochi unsurely.

It was a big house all things considered, which was unusual in Konoha because almost everyone lived in ﬂats of some kind unless they were from Clans. Our family only had a house of our own because it was directly above our place of business, which was usual for a lot of people, especially weaponsmiths, bakers and some restaurants.

Kakashi's house looked distinctly old, like a house that had been built during the founding of Konoha, and not a house built for a newer clan. I wondered why there weren't any other Hatakes’ left. I was so lost in thought that I only snapped out of it when Kakashi opened the door. He was wearing a dark blue scarf with a light blue triangle pattern on it with his usual black sleeved shirt under his sleeveless grey jacket. He noticed me and his normally half lidded eyes widened a bit.

"Hina," he greeted.

It was a relief to be called by my name, after my ordeal from yesterday. Not many people called me by my ﬁrst name either and so it was... well it was a good feeling. I smiled at the boy.

"Want some mochi?" I asked shaking the bag.

He looked like he wanted to say no for a second before he paused, closed his eyes, and nodded. He turned around and I took that as an invitation to follow him. I entered his house tentatively and was genuinely surprised by how neat the house was. I spared the boy a glance, wondering if he was also secretly a reincarnated soul like me, because no kid his age had the right to be this mature and organised. He sat down at his futon and I made myself comfy opposite him.

I opened the paper bag and rolled the straw covering to reveal the rainbow mochi I had bought. Kakashi looked at the sweets with hidden excitement I noted with mild glee.

"Why did you come by?" Kakashi asked.

I plopped a pink mochi in my mouth so I wouldn't have to answer that question right away. I only barely understood that answer myself. I just felt the inexplicable need to make my presence aware to the boy today, as if I wouldn't be able to do so in the future. I felt like this was somehow a last chance to be honest about my feelings, and if I weren’t, I'd regret it forever.

"I've been a bad friend, haven't I?"

I put the mochi down that I had in my chopsticks and my smile dropped. I looked at the table, a deep shame coming over me. I hadn't seen Kakashi in months and he was probably still grieving, alone in this big house, surrounded by memories of a father who died in this very lounge room. I shut my eyes tightly and caught my emotions.

"What makes you say that?" he asked, looking confused.

"You've been through so much and I—I was too busy to be here for you because I was _training_ ," I laughed bitterly.

"I've been ﬁne," Kakashi said dismissively, putting down his chopsticks and looking away.

He was lying. He was lying and I could see it. His eyes were cloudy, looking at the spot on the mat a meter away where I could smell the blood. His eyes were replaying the memory of his father's death. He was _drowning_ , drowning alone and I, the only other child he had ever opened up to had not helped, because she was afraid to show any vulnerable emotion. Kami, how pathetic was I?

"I'm sorry Kakashi... it's okay to not be okay," I said softly.

His shoulders stiffened and for a second his eyes teared up before he closed them for a little longer than a second and when they opened, he had shut himself in again. Then he somehow managed to take another bite of the mochi without me seeing his mask down. I looked back down at the table and felt the uncomfortable emotions bubble inside of me.

"It's been lonely," he admitted, voice soft and eyes distant. Then his grey eyes fell on me and a worried expression took his face. "It's not your fault. Your missions were longer and more dangerous than what Genin are allowed. I don't know why you were assigned them."

"It was a mistake on the missions administrations team," I lied easily.

"Why did you come here today?" he asked again.

I shuﬄed awkwardly. "I don't know entirely. I guess I felt like if I didn't do it now, I'd never do it... I don't know what the future looks like, so it has to be now."

It had to be now because I didn't know what I would be like either. This world—this world has been dragging me down to places I'd never imagined, to do things I would have reviled in my old life. I had become so far removed from Joanne Linus that I wondered if even a modicum of her was left. Because of ROOT I was worried that whatever humanity I had left from my previous life, what I had been holding onto so dearly for would be broken. Would I even be the same person after that?

I realised then, that the reason I had visited Kakashi today was because I didn't know how long I had left to talk to him like this, to talk to the boy I had grown up playing in the park with.

Kakashi, Guy, Hanami, Gaku, Nami, Shikaku, Rin, Obito, Kurenai, Asuma, Shisui, Noritaka, Taichi, Yua...

I had people in this life now, people I would die for, people who had my heart. It felt like it was going to fade away painfully. I was aware of what ROOT did to those who joined them. A cursed seal wasn't the only thing that would cage me to them, eventually I would be asked to give up my humanity, to give up ties and become but a tool for Danzo's wish because that was the inevitable fate of someone who went through ROOT.

Could I even overcome that?

"We're Shinobi, it's our job to complete our missions successfully. If you die completing your duty, then it is a good death."

I guess I signed up for this didn't I? I signed up for it thinking of it like it was just another job. I envisioned a job where I would complete some missions, and yeah, I didn’t feel too terrible about killing, but I didn’t expect anything at this level of moral ambiguity. I had signed up for something I thought I understood and now I was beginning to realise just how wrong I was. Kakashi, a _six_ -year-old understood it before I did. I balled my ﬁngers together into ﬁsts and this ugly feeling in my chest tightened painfully.

In the end Shinobi weren't strong, Shinobi were _tools_.


	21. Chapter 21

Today was one of those rare days, when dad looked like he was willing to do more than work himself to the bone. I didn’t see why he needed to, not when my mission’s money set us up pretty well. Today he had some pep to his step. Meanwhile I was feeling miserable. The conversation I had with Kakashi had devolved rather rapidly, and then we went fishing of all things, because apparently the kid liked silent company, not that I faulted him of course. Sometimes it was nice to just shut your mouth and work your hands to do something completely mundane like fishing. We caught some nice fish to… well _he_ did.

“Hina, get dressed we’re going out,” dad said with a rather kind smile. He had the kind of smile that was soft, and sweet and would instantly make anyone fall in love with him. _Wholesome,_ was a word that came to mind when it came to him.

“Where to?” I asked, rubbing my eyes.

“Why the winter festival of course,” he said.

“Are Taichi and kaasan coming?”

“No, it’s just going to be you and me today. It’s been a while since we had a father-daughter day. Now come on, let’s get you into that peacock kimono of yours I know you love so much.”

I nodded in mild shock. A festival with _dad_? It felt like suddenly all the worry and stress had just evaporated into a forgotten mist. I never really just spent time with dad alone. I practically lost all the tiredness from lack of sleep as I bounded into my room and changed as quickly as possible. I paused by my broken dressing table and looked down on the omamori he had given me for my last mission. I picked up the red string attached to it and looped it around my obi before tying it firmly there.

I felt _happy_ , which felt like something of a rare emotion since my second mission. I practically sprinted out to the front to meet dad, who was wearing a light blue kimono with a darker haori over the top. He looked rather stunning for once, with his incredible height and kind face. He held out a hand and I gladly took it, smiling up at him. He paused for a moment before smiling back. My heart fluttered with giddiness. It’d been so long since we did anything together as a family. I somehow, for a second could envision Yua on the other side, holding my hand with the same smile. It would have been perfect.

We walked hand in hand to the festival. I had been to one before with Hanami on a day off, but those were rare. It was ok with me of course, after all I had died an overworked adult in my previous life. I was used to constantly working. It just made the days off all the more special.

I had no reason to be this happy though, my mind supplied in slight frustration. It was unlike me to be so happy just because my dad wanted to hang out with me. It made me wonder just how much this body affected my mind. Was I always this needy? Did a simple pat on the head make me blush and stutter with joy in my previous life? I couldn't remember a time when it did... well at least aside from the way Cat made me feel.

"What's this festival for?" I asked.

Dad looked down at me and blinked in surprise. He looked back up, letting out a breath that condensed in the air. He smiled.

"It's a festival to ensure the spirits are happy, so the harvest next season will be plentiful. It's a very important festival because all the money goes to farming families outside of Konoha's walls. They have hard dangerous lives and provide food for us, so it's a day to be grateful to them too."

When he put it that way, it made it seem rather important indeed. I noticed the kites all ﬂying in the sky, a mixture of dragons and ﬁsh and the like. I remembered the family back in Kumo I had stayed with. I wondered how Emi was doing, if she was safe and if Mamoru-san had managed to ﬁnd a way to support them through these hard times.

"There's a kabuki performance on this morning which is why we left rather early."

"A kabuki?" I asked in confusion.

Dad's smile waned for a bit, as if I had asked him a question I should already have known. I ducked my head slightly in embarrassment, but his smile returned this time a little sad.

"It's a show, with dance and story."

The word that came to mind was theatre, but that was an English word and it would have been odd to voice that out loud. He took my hand again as we walked past all the stalls surrounded by children and adults alike. It wasn't too busy right now. I assumed the festival would pick up at night. By a clearing, a dome like structure was set, with an amphitheatre like stage. A group of people milled about chatting. I craned my neck up, unable to see anything.

"Come on, let's get you a better view."

Dad knelt down and picked me up. It had been a really long time since he'd done that. I adjusted myself on his tall shoulder, looking at the world from a whole new height. I rested my chin on his head and felt my cheeks heat up as I smiled softly. I'd almost forgotten this warm feeling.

After getting rather comfortable on his shoulders the play started. A group of 5 or so men lined up the back with guitars? Well the Elemental Nations equivalent of it anyway, which looked quite Japanese. They started plucking their strings and the crowd quieted down, their attention turning to the drama. I didn't expect the actors to come out wearing such dramatic face paint, and clothes.

Oddly enough I ended up engrossing myself in a retelling of Senju Hashirama's life for the next hour or so. The performance wasn't like anything I'd seen before. I was rich before, having accumulated a lot of wealth from my job, but Cat and I never like the fancy side of life. We preferred to sit at home and watch animated movies. It started of with Ghibli and spiralled off into the depths of weebdom. We'd never been to a play, but from what Shakespeare I could remember from high school days, none involved half sung, half spoken lines in tandem with dramatic music.

Whoever played Madara had a really good voice, but that didn't stop the Uchiha in the crowd from leaving during the whole infamous Hashirama Madara battle, where the former lost. I honestly found myself sympathizing with Madara of all people. Hashirama was too optimistic. His idea of peace was essentially distributing the ninja equivalent of nukes to each country and hoping for the best. Madara wanted to unite all ninja under one leader. Dictatorship, and sharing chakra nukes aside, both of them were fundamentally ﬂawed. There was no such thing as eternal peace. They were chasing after a pipe dream. If they wanted to end all wars, they should probably just kill every human alive. That would do the trick.

My musings were stopped short when the climactic battle was done. Once that was over the crowd clapped and cheered before they dispersed. We moved out too.

"How did you ﬁnd it Hina?"

"It was awesome," I grinned. It'd been so long since I watched any form of entertainment. I nearly forgot how much I missed such things. "Did you really think Madara screamed out— 'I vow to ﬁght you again Hashirama! Your strength is the fuel to my spirit!'—Cause that's kind of gay."

Dad spluttered, taken off guard by my comment before he joined in on my laughter.

"I suppose it is kind of gay when you put it that way. Where did you even hear that word anyway?" he said, his smile turning into a chastising frown.

"It's not a bad word or anything," I huffed.

Really, I was six and I had gone off to war and killed people and saying 'gay' was what got me into trouble with my dad? He really needed to get his priorities straight. Thankfully, it didn't seem to affect him that much.

"Well probably best to keep that a secret. Don't go telling everyone you think the Uchiha founder is gay," he said snickering.

"Sure, sure," I replied, although I had no idea what was so insulting about the idea anyway.

"Let's go get some lunch. Where do you want to go?"

"There's a really good barbecue joint called Ryoma and the meat there is reallllly tender," I said with a dreamy expression.

"Isn't that in the... Akimichi district."

Dad probably hadn't gone there before because of mom. I huffed in irritation as I remembered her stupid face. I patted dad's head.

"Yeah, but it's great. I'll promise you'll enjoy it!"

"Ok, I'll give it a go."

We leisurely made our way to the Akimichi district and halfway there I ﬁnally jumped off his shoulders, landing a perfect somersault which made him and a few passer-by’s clap and cheer at my sheer awesomeness. I tried to ignore the word 'cute' that was used to describe me though.

Chatting with dad, laughing, and making jokes made me forget all my worries, even about the war that was still happening. It was like for a brief moment I was allowed a break from it all, a perfect little depiction of what this world could be if there was no war. Shisui was right... a world without war seemed nice... impossible, but deﬁnitely _nice_.

We were talking and laughing and generally enjoying ourselves that time seemed to ﬂy by unfairly fast. Before long I had gone through all the stalls they had to offer, failed terribly at all the games except for the one where you caught goldﬁsh. It was a little annoying that I had to carry around the poor things now though.

I had no idea what to even do with them? Maybe Taichi would like pets?

It eventually became dark and the crowds increased in size. Now everyone was out to celebrate. Performers danced in the street, people ﬂew around kites with ﬁre in them, lighting up the streets. It was generally a good mood, which was rare to see in time of war. People ambled about in their best kimono. ANBU and Uchiha police patrolled the streets making their presence known more than usual.

It was all very lively. Taichi and Yua found us too in time for the main event. I gave my brother a smile and let him hold my hands as we walked, but I completely ignored Yua. She looked like she was going to talk to me, but I turned my back to her and pestered my brother to look like I was busy. She wasn't going to ruin this day for me.

We found a place to sit by on a grassy hill surrounded by other families. I held the lantern in my hand completely amazed by it. I had only seen these in pictures before, but in person it was beautiful. Dad smiled down at me, resting a comforting hand on my head.

"You throw it up when the bells strike," Taichi explained diligently.

“Aren’t we meant to be a _hidden_ village,” I pointed out.

Dad chuckled. “Don’t worry the Hokage is strong. He puts up a massive… _genjutsu_ was it?”

“Oh, so I just throw it up when the bell strikes right?”

“Right.”

And so I waited, scanning the countless other men and women who had gathered with lanterns of their own. Then suddenly the night was ﬁlled with soft ringing. I looked down at the lantern in my hand, blowing out a puff of condensed air before holding up and letting it go. Dad picked me up in my amazement and I got a better view of the night sky dotted with bright paper lanterns, the sound of soft bells chiming in the background.

"Utsuro."

I turned my attention from the sky to the masked woman. Hakanai. She was in ANBU gear. My smile died in my lips, the high crashed and I snapped back to reality. Dad put me down and took a step-in front of me protectively when I realised my grip in his kimono had been tight and my hand was trembling. He must have noticed.

"You have been summoned. Follow me."

"Today is—"

"It's ok tousan," I said quickly stepping forward. "I'll be back home by tomorrow."

And with one last glance at the lantern ﬁlled sky, and the frown on dad's face, which I put there, I turned back to the darkness and followed Hakanai. If I heard Yua call out my name in worry, I didn’t choose to acknowledge it.

* * *

ROOT gear was uncomfortable and weird. Why anyone thought a sleeveless mid rift was a good idea for a uniform was beyond me. Not to mention the all black and grey ANBU like gear made me feel like Kakashi. I kept my thoughts on the organisations terrible fashion statement to keep me occupied and calm.

"This is a ROOT issued tanto. You will be taught how to use this by me for your induction. Follow me."

I took the sword and schooled my face. I wished I had a stupid mask on to hide my expressions, but it seemed that they wanted me to bear some emotion. I walked into a room and was surprised to see several other children all ranging from around 5-9 years old from appearance. They all kept deathly still and despite the stiff body language the expressions on their faces said differently, all of them looked tired and scared. I fell in line next to them.

Hakanai took a back step and then a masked man took her place in the middle of the room, those black eyes from the mask scanning over us without a hint of emotion. Steel, he smelt like steel and blood. I could smell the different, human scents from the children, and used it as a reminder that there was a fucking human behind that mask and not a walking talking kunai.

"Zen, step forward!"

The boy known as Zen stepped forward worriedly.

The instructor got into a taijutsu stance I hadn't seen before. The boy stumbled into his own form, holding out his tanto with shaky hands. Before he could do anything the man harshly punched him to the ground.

"Stand!"

The boy started crying, breathing heavily as he held his chest. I felt myself stiffen. Dammit the kid was just about six or seven. He was no insane prodigy or a reincarnated adult like me... this was too harsh.

"Stand or die!"

The boy scrambled to his feet and then the man attacked again. The process seemed to happen again and again until the boy could not physically move. That's when Hakanai stepped forward and dragged the crying bloodied boy to the wall. Then the instructor stepped up and Hakanai took his place.

"Kigu!"

Then the next child stepped forward, trembling, and frightened with wide eyes. I watched as he was beaten too. Each one of them were told to stand again and again until they could do more, and they were left with broken bones and bruised lips. I watched as some children did not ﬁght back at all and while others tried to throw measly punches. Their forms were terrible, like no one had bothered to train them... but this wasn't training, was it? It clicked in that moment that this wasn't training, this was indoctrination. The children who fought back had not had their bones cracked, the ones who cried and gave up were beaten to a pulp. This wasn't training, this was a lesson taught by blood and pain.

"Utsuro!"

I didn't pull out my tanto. I left it by the area I was standing before. I didn't know how to use it and therefore it would have been more a hindrance than help. Instead I stood low in my circle walk stance. I refused to let these agents best me without a ﬁght.

The ﬁght began. I barely dodged a blow to my head, using my hands to block before I grabbed the arm and used it to pull myself in for a kill strike to the throat. Before I could hit, the woman's palm blocked my attack and spun it back at me. I let out a startled cry when I felt my nose break under the blow. I bit back tears as I jumped away and wiped the blood on my forearm. Hakanai came at me with more speed this time, as if she were simply holding back before. A swift kick to the back of my knee took me down and then an elbow to my head rattled my thoughts.

I struggled to think for a second beyond the sudden shaking of the world around me. I heard a command, but it was muﬄed. I blinked my eyes in confusion only to be punched again. The ringing in my head somewhat subsided.

"Stand up!"

I scrambled to my feet again, getting my teeth in frustration as my muscles protested. I was knocked down again. I thought I would be different, that somehow the skills I managed to attain in such a short time would set me apart from the other kids. It didn't. I received the same unforgiving blows until I too could not physically stand up anymore. I refused to do one thing though. I refused to cry. I wasn't going to ever show weakness here, especially not in front of these sickos.

"Move her with the others and get the medic."

Hakanai nodded at the command of her nameless superior and promptly left the room. I groaned in pain with the rest of the children, but I didn't cry. I bit down the pain and stayed as silent and as still as I could, cursing the injustice of it all. This was cruel and trauma inducing. A part of my brain not focused on the pain, joking at the fact that I'd need a real therapist once this was all done and over. The children though... I didn't want to think of that. I had an adult mind, I was a rational and resistant person, but these kids... well they were just _kids._ They didn't deserve to go through something like this.

I'd never wanted to kill someone so much before in my life. If I got Danzo in my hands I would make him suffer. Until then I'd suffer silently, and get stronger, strong enough to never have to take shit like this from anyone ever again.

Soon enough the Iryo-nin came and they got about healing all the children. The ones with the broken bones screamed in absolute agony and I winced in sympathy, remembering my broken rib experience from my first mission. It didn't seem like ROOT were the kind of people who bothered administrating anaesthetic either. I shut my eyes and tried not to think about the screams, and then eventually it was my turn. I bit down on my lip as the medic went about ﬁxing up my multiple injuries, some of which I couldn't quite name. They were good though; I could feel my body mending itself back together. I kind of wish it didn't— that way I could go home bruised and broken and Gaku-sensei would instantly realise something was wrong. No, life just couldn't be easy for once could it?

"Stand back in line!"

The kids all sniﬄed and sobbed as they shakily stood back to their feet. Some of them were knocked out on the ground so they just lay there. I didn't expect the instructor to walk up to the child and kick him. The boy let out a whimper, blinking awake as his small body shivered. He coughed and then began vomiting a mix of stomach acids and blood. He moved to kick the boy again and I jumped forward, arm outstretched. I didn't know what I was doing, what I even expected to accomplish, but I wanted the man to stop. I was knocked down to the ground by one of the Iryo-nin that had come in before. The in structure turned his body to me.

"Stand back in line," he said, voice devoid of any inﬂiction, but somehow threatening painful punishment.

I grit my teeth together before bowing my head in defeat and doing as I was told. The man turned to the group again, trailing his eyes on each child with only the backdrop of painful silence.

"You will be assigned a partner during your induction period."

Then he proceeded to call out names, which I assumed were fake names rather than the children's real names because it took them a little while longer than most to respond to it.

"Utsuro, Kusari."

I stepped forward and so did another boy. We walked of to the side and I gave him a glance. He was shaking, barely standing at all. I didn't get a good look at his face, just noted that his hair was a dark black almost blue and that he was slightly taller than me. He turned to face me, and I froze.

_Josh_

I blinked. No, it wasn't Josh. This boy was not my cousin, not the cousin I felt pain every time I remembered his name. I was in the Elemental Nations, not Earth. I hesitantly made my way to him and then once everyone’s names were called out, we were abruptly left in the room together. I spared the boy a glance before wondering why exactly we were assigned a partner. I vaguely remembered something about it from the anime... but I couldn't quite remember. All I knew was that Sai had a dead brother— which made this whole partnership scream oncoming trouble.

"Yo," I said, trying to be nonchalant.

He just gave me a rather baﬄed look at that, wringing his ﬁngers together and occasionally wiping the tears from his navy-blue eyes now red rimmed. I wondered if I should comfort him. I was tired though. My body was not used to being awake for so long, especially since I was 6 and required far more sleep these days, so I just decided to sit down. He followed me and sat next to me.

"My real name is Hina," I said, resting my chin on my knees.

"I-I don't... My name has always been Kusari," he whispered back unsurely.

I looked at him again. His body looked malnourished and his voice was oddly accented. Did he grow up here...? I felt a rising anger at Danzo. This was fucking sick and cruel. I wasn't the most moral person, but this was insane. He was treating children like things to use and throw away, things to break and mould rather than the individuals they were. He was preying on the weakest and most vulnerable and worst of all he had fucked with _me_.

"Well Kusa-kun, we are going to be friends... but only after I sleep," I amended.

"Friends..."

"That's right. People who look out for each other. You're lucky because as it turns out I'm going to make sure we come out of this ok," I said determinedly.

Danzo was going to rue the day he decided to fuck with me. I didn't care who I needed to get the power from, but if it meant I got to shove a spear up his wrinkly old arse and leaving him impaled out in the Suna desert like he deserved, I would sell my own goddamn soul. I looked at Kusari, the boy who looked so much like my old cousin and my heart ached. This time— this time it was my turn to save him.

I closed my eyes and blanked out.

* * *

My hands were chubby and small, but not Hina's hands. No, these hands belonged to one Joanne Linus, a girl who would eventually choke and die on a vegetable. A pointless, absolutely random, and entirely embarrassing death. This was Joanne when she was but a 12-year-old. She was obese and lazy and altogether a rather useless child much to her parents’ chagrin. She wasn't going to be an only child for long though, not when her cousin Josh got adopted into the family. He was good looking, fit and really smart. He could play the piano like Beethoven, and paint like Bob Ross. He was unfairly perfect.

Joanne had hated him, hated that he was the cool tragic kid that lost his parents and then proceeded to become the favourite in _her_ house. She hated how he outshone her in every way, and suddenly how people compared her to him in absolutely everything. Once she was just Joanne. No expectations and no real pressure. Sure she wasn't pretty, or smart, or particularly talented in anything, but she could watch cartoons in peace and enjoy her life alone and isolated like she wanted.

Josh didn't let her do any of that.

He came into her life like a whirlwind, throwing her entirely off schedule. Now when she woke up, she woke up in the same room as her stupidly perfect cousin, and when she went to school, he was right by her, smiling brightly like a happy idiot. She couldn't understand why. Why pretend to be happy when she knew he clearly had nightmares every night.

"Want to play hopscotch?" he asked, holding out a piece of chalk.

"No! Go away. Can't you see I'm reading," Joanne replied completely annoyed.

"Aww, but you're always reading. Come on out, the day's pretty bright," Josh urged.

Joanne shut her book rather loudly that day. It felt like all her frustration had bubbled up to the point of tipping over. It was a years’ worth of his constant blinding presence that made her feel so suffocated.

_Was I always this ugly?_

"No! Go away! Why do you always bother me so much?! Gosh, just because everyone else pities you because mommy and daddy's dead, doesn't mean I do! Why don't you go leech of another family huh?!"

_Stop. Don't say that._

His blue eyes darkened a little, losing that spark for a moment, and his expression withdrew into something that spoke of pain. Joanne bit her lip and sunk back a little. That was— that was cruel of her. She expected him to scream at her, to go off in a rage and give her a put down she deserved, but that forced smile came back on his face.

"I'm sorry for bothering you," he said softly.

The anger bubbled inside of her again. Something about the boy made her want to be cruel, made her want to hurt him.

"Why do you always got to be such a stupid pushover?! You should yell at me, not apologise! Goddammit, you're so weird! I fucking **hate** you!"

She threw the book rather harshly at him before rushing out of the room. That's when I realised this was a dream. I blinked and looked down. My hands were... white, not my old light brown, and I was watching like a ghost. I wanted this to stop. I didn't want to remember this day because I knew deep down that I was living a terrible memory. I watched Josh run after me, and I wish he hadn't. I wish he hadn't because I wasn't worth it, not like he was.

He chased me down the street and I screamed at him to leave me alone. I was unﬁt and just going down the stairs made me tired. I remembered being so ashamed of myself because I was that one fat kid, the one who wasn't just fat but absolutely useless at everything too. I had no redeeming quality, not even my own character to show for a lack of talent and looks. I remembered hating him so much because he was everything I wanted to be but couldn't. Then I remembered him pushing me out of the way of a car. I had stormed down the street in a blind rage and he had given his life for me... for a stupid lazy kid who was absolutely worthless.

Almost like a knife had been stabbed straight into my heart, I watched as his small, barely teenage body flung across the street, and blood pooled out his cracked skull.

"Please wake up," I cried, holding my head in agony.

I _hated_ this memory. I hated it and tried never to remember it, but my whole life had been my atonement for this one sin. Even when all my memories were fuzzy, when I didn't even remember Josh had died, I still did what I did because of him. He didn't give up his life for someone useless... he didn't waste what he did. I refused to let that be the case.

"You know what it means to be partnered up with Kusari. You're just not admitting it."

I whipped around to see myself, my 35-year-old self, tall beautiful and wearing my favourite old ﬂannel dress. I almost forgot what I looked like back then. I turned back to the scene of his death.

"These dreams are fucked. What next? The grounds going to bleed blood and I'll choke on that too?" I asked with a shaky laugh.

"Don't change the subject Hina. Don't delude yourself."

"I'm not—"

"You are," Joanne snapped with a scowl. "You're hiding behind that infamous snark of yours, pushing every slightly uncomfortable emotion you can down your bloody gullet and pretending like you're some logical driven soul. Well guess what, you aren't, and right now you're ignoring the truth that's right in front of you. Look at him! Look at what he did for us. Are you going to let that go to waste?"

"I never did," I hissed back, eyes narrowing furiously. "We studied from the crack of dawn and spent years doing back breaking work to atone for being the one he saved. We made sure that we weren't worthless..."

My older form laughed, a bleak harrowing laugh that reminded me of the darkness that lurked somewhere behind my calm, joking façade. Her suddenly very unearthly yellow eyes dropped down to my clear green, and her smile died unnaturally quickly. A look of pure disgust took her face.

"That's all selﬁshness speaking. You only worked hard to ease your own conscience for what happened that day, and you died because you stopped working when you settled down with Catherine. We never deserved to be happy. Now we're going to pay for it, truly pay for the sacriﬁce he made for us. You know what to do, you're just ignoring it. Now tell me Hina, why do you think you're partnered up with Kusari?"

I paused and bit my lip. I shook my head. No. No, I didn't want to—

"—You will. Now tell me why."

"...because they’ll ask us to kill each other," I whispered.

"That's right, and who are we going to make sure dies?"

"Me"

She nodded, now honey brown eyes narrowing at the scene where our younger self was kneeling by the body of our cousin. It was ﬁnally coming back to me, the years of living life was ﬁnally coming back to me. Suddenly I had a reason for reincarnating. I hadn't atoned, I hadn't atoned at all for what I did that day and now life was giving me the chance.

"If the time comes, if you haven't saved him, you will not ﬁght back. You will lay down your sword and let him kill you.

“I don’t want to die to Danzo,” I said weakly.

“You don’t have to. Kill him before it comes to it, but don’t ever let someone sacrifice themself for us again.”

“I won’t let him win,” I said determinedly. I wouldn’t let Danzo do this to Kusari, and I wouldn’t let him touch a hand on the people I cared about. He hadn’t scared me. All he had accomplished was to piss me off.

Kusari was my duty now. I knew it was selfish of me, to find atonement in a boy that looked like Josh, but I didn’t know what would happen if I failed again, and I didn’t want to find out.


	22. Chapter 22

When I went home the next morning, I was tired and confused. I had been led out with a bag over my head and then dropped discreetly a block away from my house. The other children weren’t taken back, so they were either considered dead or orphans no one really cared about. I felt a little guilty. They were back there, and I was here, outside my home. I shakily walked up the side wall and got in through my window. I didn’t want to go through the bakery right now. No one needed to see me.

“Hina—”

I paused at the window to see Yua sitting on my bed, her green hair in disarray. Her tired eyes went wide as she looked at me and then back at the kunai in her hand. I awkwardly closed the window as I entered, pushing my matted hair out of my face, and straightening up. Her deep viridian eyes glanced at me and winced.

“I failed again,” she whispered.

“Seriously,” I groaned. “Look, I—I don’t know what to say—”

I expected a look of disgust maybe, but I didn’t expect her to get up from my bed, fall on her knees in front of me and wrap me in a hug despite her too-big stomach. I froze in confusion, my first instincts having been embarrassingly enough, to grab my kunai and defend myself. I felt something wet drip onto my neck, and then it dawned on me that she was crying.

“Maa, getting all worked up like this can’t be good for the baby,” I tried desperately to bring her back from her emotional outburst.

“They hurt you—just like they hurt Hina,” she cried.

“ _I_ am Hina,” I said in growing worry. Was she becoming unhinged or something?

“This is wrong… we need to leave. We can leave the village—”

I stiffened considerably. I jerked out of her hold and held her mouth shut, my eyes going wide. Then I looked around desperately and paled when I smelt bloody kunai on the roof. I looked back at my mother and hoped desperately that she saw my expression. I decided to mouth it. ‘Shinobi listening,’ I said mutely, moving my lips and hoping she understood. Considering her expression she probably did. I held her hands and mouthed breathing, doing a visible in and out technique that my old mother had taught me, and after a few moments of following my movements she calmed down too. She was still spooked, and honestly so was I.

“I just had a troublesome training session was all. Nothing to worry about,” I said smiling falsely at her.

She blinked, and then wiped away the tears in her eyes before nodding. I moved to my table and took out a pen and moved to write. A sudden blinding pain shuddered through my body and it took all my will power to not fall to my knees. My tongue burnt and the pain shot through my throat. I gripped it, gasping mutely for breath.

“Hina!”

I held out a hand in distress and staggered out of my room and down the hallway toward the bathroom. I only stopped once I was inside and I fell to the floor, gasping for breath. My lungs burned painfully as I coughed and hacked, vomiting on the floor. The seal had—oh kami, that was agonising. I hissed angrily at myself. Of course there were safeguards against writing information regarding ROOT. I wasn’t even going to write anything incriminating, just give her a warning about dangerous shinobi on my tail, but even that was apparently too much information. I bit my thumb and slumped against the cold tiles. What was I going to do?

“Hina, are you okay?”

It was dad. I coughed the rest of the pain away before opening the door and giving him my best grin. Dad looked down at me with a worried expression and Yua followed behind, her skin still visibly pale.

“Everything’s fine tousan. I had a special training session. It was to evaluate my progress,” I said.

“So then it wasn’t Inuzuka-san that did this to you?” he asked, only looking mildly relieved.

I turned my attention to the mirror and realised that yes, I looked like absolute shit. The visible part of my arm was littered in bruises, my right eye wasn’t swollen, but it was still slightly blue around the skin and bloodshot. My hair was matted against my forehead and my skin almost looked like I had drained all the blood from it.

“No Sensei’s too soft,” I snorted.

“Then who did? I need to have a talk with them?” Dad growled.

I hesitated and then tried to think of something, anything and I couldn’t think of anything, so I just sent mom of all people, a look calling for help. To my relief she put a hand on dad’s shoulder and pulled him away.

“Nori, let’s go give her some time to rest. She looks like she needs it,” Yua said sternly, a hint of desperation in her voice, signalling something was wrong.

What the heck was I thinking? I needed to be more discreet. If they found out—if they found out ROOT would most definitely assassinate them. They weren’t like Sensei, or Shikaku, they were civilians with no real way to defend themselves. I closed the bathroom door again and bit my lip. It suddenly felt like the whole world was crashing down on me at once. Yesterday’s day out at the festival almost seemed like an impossible dream.

_Fix up your shit Hina. You can die, but if you fail your family again, you’ll be worse than trash._

I shoved all my worry down into the pit of my stomach and got into the shower. Once I managed to get all the crusted blood, sweat and dirt of I walked out of the bathroom and back into my bedroom. I took out my turtleneck khaki shirt and threw it on, along with full length pants. No one could see the bruises in this. I needed to—I didn’t know what to do. I had a confirmed ROOT agent tailing me. I couldn’t go to anyone suspicious. I wanted to run to Sensei and Nami and be dogpiled by all of Yama’s puppies forever and never do a shinobi related gig again but going to Sensei so soon would be suspicious. The next two people I wanted to see would either be too suspicious or not useful enough. Hanami was related to Shikaku, and knowing how deep ROOT ran, I was sure Shikaku was on their shit list. Guy was calming and great, but he wasn’t some important shinobi, or related to anyone important. I didn’t think anyone but me, his dad and maybe Kurenai and Asuma would miss him if he were gone. I couldn’t risk him.

That left me with Kakashi. 

“Hina, where are you going?” Yua asked.

I turned to mom while I put on my jacket and I sent the window a wary glance before smiling stiffly at her. She looked worried, which normally would have been something I’d been overjoyed about—because apparently, she didn’t hate me, but right now I just didn’t want her killed.

“I’m going to visit a friend. Hatake Kakashi, I’m not sure you know him. We’ll probably go out fishing again,” I said casually, taking my normally slouched position.

“Ok, take care,” she said with a frown.

I waved casually at her before leaving.

* * *

Kakashi, was an extremely lonely kid. He didn't talk much, probably not because he didn't like talking, but he just wasn't used to it. So of course I found him ﬁshing-- which in my opinion was an old man hobby. I had sniffed out his scent after buying some mochi to bribe his company. It worked because when he turned around with an annoyed expression, I held up the bag and he instantly patted the rock next to him.

"Are you stalking me?" Kakashi asked raising a brow.

"Please, I have more important things to do with my time," I snorted.

"Uh-huh, and that explains why you know where I am."

Oof, he got me there. I conceded the point silently, not agreeing or disagreeing. His eyes trailed down to what little skin uncovered over my hand. He didn't ask. I let out a grateful sigh. Kakashi was the only one I really trusted to ever see underneath the underneath. He may only be 7 but he was a strangely intuitive shinobi.

"How's training?" he asked.

I blinked in surprise and sent chakra to my ears. I heard the minute shuﬄing of feet about 100 meters away. I was still being tailed.

"It's so boring. I hate training," I grumbled rather childishly.

Kakashi stiffened and I did a little internal cheering. I'd never say I hated training. I was the one who always begged for more. I just wished he weren’t so easy to read. Thankfully, he relaxed his posture soon after.

"Maybe some training with Minato-sensei will help."

"I can't say it will. I don't want to train more remember," I said pursing my lips.

I didn't want to meet Minato directly. I just needed to get him suspicious enough that something was going on. Then I'd let the adults do their thing. They had ties and connections and lifelines that I did not have yet. While I would love to personally torture the imbecile Danzo myself, I just didn't have the power right now. As far as I was concerned, I was playing the long game right now. I would just have to treat this as a long term involuntary undercover mission with an emphasis on sabotage and intelligence gathering. If I played my cards right, Danzo would be eating the force of several very powerful ninjas ﬁsts.

"Want some more mochi?" I asked.

"Yes please."

Right now I would focus on ﬁshing.

* * *

After bothering Kakashi for what was the next three or so hours, I found that the day actually had about six hours in it, six hours I had no idea what to do with. It was cold, but it was only going to snow next month, and even then, barely because this was known as the land of fire for a reason. It wasn’t as hot as Suna, but it was close. I didn’t feel comfortable enough going to Sensei or Hanami just yet. I just needed a moment alone with my thoughts, and so I went to the river near the Uchiha compound, the one I liked to frequent with the children. There was a pretty good dango stand there after all.

There was always one couple or the other leaning down together on the red bridge there, surrounded by Sakura trees on either end. The river itself was quite beautiful, and with how out of the way this place was, people only really came to sit down and relax here. I laid down on the grass and looked up at the fluffy clouds. Huh. One of them kind of looked like a really fat rabbit. After about two seconds of doing this I got right back up out of boredom and then began walking around the area. A bright red SALE sign caught my attention and I turned to see a bookstore. I used to love reading books as a child, but it had always been fantasy. After… Josh—well I remembered why I stuck to books that _needed_ to be read.

“It couldn’t hurt could it…”

I guiltily opened the store door and entered the bookstore and my way up to the fiction section. I scoured through the library and then fell onto a rather bright orange cover. The spine read, Icha Icha, and I looked around a little flustered before picking it up. Oh kami, I hoped the ROOT agent watching me right now didn’t judge me. I was curious as to what exactly was the appeal of this porn novella that made future Kakashi of all people read it around like an addict. Once there weren’t any people around, I opened up the book and began reading.

About 20 minutes in…

What the fuck? This was brilliant! The characters were all instantly likeable, and the girl Sachi was so freaking pure—well in the sense of pure only a dominatrix with a heart of gold could manage. It also took the perfect amount of time building up to the sex, and when it eventually did happen, I found myself giggling.

“Eh-herm”

I snapped the book shut and spun around face flushed. How exactly had I not noticed someone come up behind me? I looked at the unimpressed cashier and felt the start of a blush.

“This isn’t a library. You have to buy the book to sit here and read it,” she said fixing her glasses, before her eyes fell on said book and I felt my face heat up considerably. “That is for adults only. Maybe try that section.”

She pointed at the children’s books section, and I felt a tad bit indignant. Technically I was an adult, by this world’s laws too, and so I just tapped my hitaite with a frown and the woman paused, sending the book in my hand a mild seething look.

“Well if you insist on erotica, may I suggest something more tasteful?”

“… Um sure?”

She scanned the section and plucked out three books. I took them from her hands and skimmed through it. It was romance novels for sure… but it lacked the quirkiness that I’d just read from simply the first page of Icha Icha.

“Ne, thanks for the um—suggestions, but can I buy this one?” I asked holding out the orange book.

She looked mildly affronted, although whether it was because a 6-year-old was buying explicit porn or because she didn’t approve of my taste in books, I didn’t know. She gestured for me to follow her to the desk and then she checked the price tag on the book and asked for the money. I bent over to my socks and pulled out a wad of emergency cash I always kept in there. She looked at me oddly for a second, but didn’t say anything, so maybe she was used to shinobi weirdness.

“Come back once that book is done, and I’ll guarantee I can find better erotica for you,” she said a little too passionately.

“Ahhh… ok,” I stuttered, biting down a blush.

I pocketed the book as discreetly as I could into my jacket pocket. There was definitely no way I would read this in public. I wasn’t like future Kakashi, or Jiriya—I guess I was a closet perve then. The thought made me a little depressed and then I bowed lightly to the woman before hastily making my retreat. I jumped on down the road and decided I may as well take a stroll, considering tonight would no doubt be another gruelling training session in ROOT. I should use this week of recovery free time before it was over, and I’d be training with Sensei _and_ ROOT at the same time. The thought of that made me shudder.

My nose sniffled the air as I caught the scent of a familiar dog. I barely had the time to dodge before I felt Yama leap onto me, pinning me on the road and then promptly sitting on me. A few startled passers-by jumped out of the way and began milling around me. I groaned as my aching body was sat on by the heavy dog. I hoped Sensei wasn’t around, but if Yama was here, then he would be here also.

“Yama get off,” I grumbled.

“Woof!”

“Yeah, yeah your ambush skills are amazing. Now get off ya mut,” I grumbled amusedly, twisting my body and pushing his snout until he began panting excitedly and backing off. Sensei barked a laugh from behind me and I grumbled. Yama was a rather powerful dog. It annoyed me that an animal was Jounin level and I wasn’t, but I tried not to let that get me down.

“Hina—” Sensei began before he saw my face and the smile died in his eyes. _Shit._ I looked down and dusted myself off, angling my face so he couldn’t see the discolouration on the other side. I scratched my nose awkwardly. “Ah, you tracked me down for something didn’t you?”

“I wanted to know how the evaluation went. I was going to come find you yesterday, but I thought you’d be at the Winter festival. Seems like you were training instead,” he said pursing his lips.

I winced. I couldn’t tell him about ROOT, and Sensei honestly didn’t have a clue that it even existed. He only knew that someone on the Council was shady enough to want me dead. I jolted in shock when Sensei leant down and pulled the collar of my shirt down. I gripped it back up and jumped back with an indignant squeal. I was going to diffuse the situation with a joke about him being a pervert when I looked up to see his eyes had darkened, and he looked like silent fury himself.

“Who did that to you?”

“I- ah, um…” I tugged at my collar nervously briefing a glance toward the direction the ROOT nin tailing me was at and I felt a shiver of fear run down my spine. I didn’t expect Sensei to track me down today. What was I going to do? I needed to keep my involvement a secret for the most part! If he found out about ROOT, he would be discreetly disposed of!

“Hina, who did this?” he asked again, face uncharacteristically still.

I backed down, shoving my trembling hands into my pocket. I jerked to tell another lie when I felt the weight of a hand on my head. I craned my neck back to see Orochimaru behind me, a smile curving on his face. Sensei stood up straight and then the tension in the air became unbearably thick.

“It seems I may have been too harsh when I trained Hina-chan last night,” he said, giving us a rather unnerving smile.

I froze. What? I jerked my attention to him and then to Sensei who looked more than angry now, a dark emotion I couldn’t quite pinpoint because his face went as impassive as a rock. His normally kind brown eyes trailed down to me for a second before falling right back on Orochimaru.

“Hina, come here.”

I made to move, but the weight on my head where Orochimaru’s hand lay got heavier in warning and so I just stood my ground. Sensei looked pissed off now.

“No need to get so mad Inuzuka-san. It was just some extra training. I’m sure a little prodigy like her could use some extra help.”

“Those wounds don’t look like extra help, it looks like healed broken bones,” Sensei replied, his eyes narrowing further.

“I-It’s ok! I asked Orochimaru-sama for help, and he said I could get stronger this way!” I butted in quickly, sending both the adults’ attention back to me.

“Don’t talk right now Hina. I’ll have a word with you later.”

Sensei looked pissed. I instinctually backed down, feeling entirely too much like an admonished child—which I was, but the situation was serious. Orochimaru was working with Danzo, ergo the cover story of me training with him would actually explain my late-night escapades and injuries. It didn’t matter whether Sensei liked it or not, he would have to accept this either way. I had to put my foot down, despite all the childish instincts within me telling me to submit to the will of my elder.

“No,” I said rather adamantly. “I will not stand for mediocrity. You’ve done a lot for me Sensei, but Orochimaru-sama can do more. It’s not about your pride, it’s about power.”

The look of hurt in Sensei’s eyes made my stomach twist into knots. I would never… I would never hurt him like this if I could help it. Sensei was like a second dad, or a really cool uncle and I _loved_ him. He was family. I wouldn’t hurt family. No, I was only doing this to protect him.

_I’m only doing this to protect him_

Yama whined and I turned my attention to the dog who had somehow managed to close the distance between us. He must have sensed my emotions because he tilted his head to brush up against my shoulders. I wanted to cry from relief. I couldn’t take Yama hating me too. Sensei didn’t look the same though, his expression was still dark, and without a comment he turned and left.

“Do whatever you want.”

I ignored the stabbing pain in my chest at those words. Yama leaving made it only worsen. I wasn’t out of the woods yet. I turned my full attention to Orochimaru, who suddenly looked rather irritated. His innocuous hand on my head fell to rest on my shoulder as he leant down to my ear.

“That was quite a little show you put on there, but I don’t believe you. Follow me and act natural.”

I just nodded, putting on a smile and giggling like he hadn’t just subtly threatened me, but had instead told me a joke. Orochimaru backed off the smile on his face a mixture of pleased or impressed, I was never quite sure with him. We began walking, and it didn’t escape my notice that we were going to an excluded area close to the Hokage mountain. He didn’t look at me once during the whole trip until he abruptly stopped by the base of the mountain.

“You’ve caused me quite the bit of trouble. A little girl like you, as smart as you are, is of no use to me, so why is it that I have to cover for you?”

His voice became dark by the end and I barely had a moment to think before he grabbed me by my neck and hoisted me up into the air. I gasped at the pressure around my throat, kicking my feet in struggle as my small hands went to grab his in a desperate bid of struggle. My eyes locked onto his unearthly yellow slits in absolute terror. His presence filled the air like a dense fog. This was—this was what the presence of an S Class shinobi was like.

“It’s a pity you possess no bloodline worth mentioning, or you could have been of use.”

With that he let go and I dropped to the ground in a heap, coughing and gasping for air. I gripped my wounded throat in pain and tried to come out of this intense bone chilling fear. A feeling of utter powerlessness threatened to crush me under its weight. Orochimaru had the presence of a predator, and I was the prey, nothing but a hare in the grasp of a cobra. I couldn’t possibly think of standing up to that.

_Run run run run run!_

My instincts told me to run and yet I grounded myself where I was out of sheer stubbornness. I had told myself I’d be strong, that I wouldn’t be worthless… and yet I thought of running away? No, I refused. I looked up into those sickly yellow eyes of his and I remembered what it felt like to be useless, to be a human sack of shit not even worth looking at. I wasn’t anymore… I _wasn’t_! Yet those eyes—they reminded me what I truly was. Those intelligent eyes I had once secretly admired looked ugly to me now. I felt the heat of hate rising in my stomach.

_Disgusting_

“Revolting!” I spat at the ground in front of him, gritting my teeth. “You and Danzo both!”

Orochimaru’s irritated expression grew even more unnerving when it turned into a smile. I felt my body shiver as he walked towards me and pulled out a kunai. I was going to die because I couldn’t keep my stupid mouth shut.

“I was wrong about you being smart. Clearly you don’t value your life. Well then, shall we begin our first lesson?”

I gasped as Orochimaru drew close and put his hand on my head. I didn’t expect the start of a burning pain to crawl through my body. It increased in heat and intensity until all I could feel was the fire licking at my skin, my insides and slowly to every part of my body until my gritted teeth finally opened and I let out a scream I couldn’t hold back. I fell to the ground, shutting my eyes which were _burning,_ and I dug my fingers into the dirt as the pain continued to grow and grow until I wanted everything to end. Then abruptly, as if I weren’t on flames just a moment ago, it ended, and I was left gasping on the ground.

“That’s just a taste of a genjutsu I created myself,” Orochimaru chuckled, his fingers running mockingly sweetly through my hair. “It’s such a pity a little prodigy like you couldn’t dispel it. Why don’t we try again?”

I made to move away but he began again.

* * *

I rubbed my raw throat and narrowed my eyes. I was exhausted and I didn’t want to move. The ugly feeling in my stomach persisted and grew the longer I lay on the dirt ground looking aimlessly at the sky. Orochimaru had made his point. He had thoroughly demonstrated where he stood on the pecking order. The anger and hate I thought I was feeling for the man were not for him. It was for me. I wanted to slit Orochimaru’s throat because I didn’t have the right to slit my own, because even after all the terrible things Orochimaru and Danzo had done, they weren’t a failure like I was.

I could still feel the lingering touch of the flames on my skin, burning through my body, unrelenting in its pain. Genjutsu truly was frightening. I couldn’t break free, not for the second or third time even when I knew it was a Genjutsu. How much more useless could I be? I had passed out before I could do anything, and that in itself was unforgiveable.

I bit my lip and shut my eyes tightly. Somehow the usual drive to get better, to overcome these weaknesses didn’t come up. I felt lost and scared instead, like a fucking child and not the adult woman I was. I woke up and the first thing I wanted was for Gaku-sensei and dad to be there to hold me and tell me they’d protect me. It was honestly pathetic.

I shakily pulled out the Icha-Icha series from my jacket pocket and decided there was no use dealing with my recent torture. I need something, _anything_ to distract from the pain I had felt… the utter uselessness that trumped the lingering burns from more than the pain itself.

“I wonder if Natsumi-chan fucks Takeo-kun or Yuroichi-chan,” I mumbled before opening the book.

I remembered why I lost myself in fictional works… why I had allowed myself to start watching anime with Cat instead of constantly working to make up for my existence. It was a reprieve from all the issues I had, a weakness I found myself retreating to every time I needed to escape from it all. But reading Icha-Icha didn’t give me the same joy I felt when I had been watching anime with Cat all those years ago… because with her I felt I deserved it. I had lied to myself, pretending I had any right to be happy, pretending like if I just protected my family like Josh had protected me, I’d be worth anything.

I put everyone in my family in danger. It was my fault that ROOT was even remotely aware of the Suzuki family, or Gaku-sensei. It was because I thought it would be a good fucking idea to get myself into this accursed career to make a name for _myself,_ to ensure that my family were wealthy and happy. Why had I been so stupid? Yua hated me because I became a shinobi and my family wasn’t happier because of it. If I really wanted to, I could have failed all my tests and be thrown into an administrative position somewhere useless and remain mostly a civilian. I had duped myself into thinking becoming a shinobi was the only path, because I wanted to be worth something, because the power it provided would be more than I could get as a baker’s daughter. I thought I was immune from the darker side of this world because I was in Konoha and not Iwa or Kiri.

I had assumed so many things and now I was going to drag my family into it.

I threw the book away and punched the ground in anger. Why? Why was I such a screw-up? I felt the tears prickle at my eyes, but I pushed them back. I didn’t have the right to cry, like I was the one who was allowed to be in pain when all of this was my fault.

 _You’re being pathetic Hina. No, you_ are _pathetic, but there’s never been any room for stopping to feel sorry for yourself before. Now people’s lives are on the line. If you screw this up…_

“N-no, failure is not an _option_.”

That’s right. Failure wasn’t even on the table. There would be no one dying in the end of this but myself, and even then, I would try and live because I didn’t deserve to die the hero. The only death I deserved was the meaningless kind. I deserved to die choking on a vegetable, because that proved I wasn’t good enough for more. I wouldn’t ever be good enough for a proper death until I _fixed_ this. I shakily stood up and took in a deep breath.

“Failure is not an option.”

Right now what I needed to do was run through my options. Gaku-sensei was off the plate. I didn’t want to involve him in this dangerous game. Letting him go and allying myself with Orochimaru, no matter how reluctant he was to take me on now was my best option. Shikaku was the only one I could viably alert somehow, and he was already suspicious of something happening in my life. Even if he did know, I had to take into account that he couldn’t pull me out. We were in the middle of a great war. The Foundation had an unknown amount of potential enemy shinobi compromising every aspect of Konoha’s administration and rank. It could very well mean the Hokage could tell Shikaku to desist when it came to dismantling a project that aided Konoha in the moment. Not to mention if Danzo decided to call an internal attack on Konoha at this moment, we would be too crippled after to win the war.

Sarutobi had allowed a private army within his own walls dedicated to the darker aspect of Shinobi life so the rest of Konoha could live in relative peace, but I refused to pay the price that came with this. I couldn’t care less about Konoha’s interests. I just wanted my family out of this mess. I would have to alert Shikaku somehow and see if he could do anything, but I’d need to gain the Foundations trust before I could send him a message without it being intercepted. That could be months in the making. I only had one option of beating Danzo on my own…

“Fuinjutsu,” I whispered.

Fuinjutsu would be the way to go. I’d need to study the seal on my tongue discreetly and prepare a way to disable it. Once I did that, I could continue pretending to be an agent and find the right moment to come up with a more in-depth plan.

I felt the earlier hopelessness leave me. There were things I could do. I wasn’t really some little kid caught in the grasp of unforgiving adults. I was a smart independent adult woman with years of experience. This life was _mine_ , and no one fucked with my family. I needed to get up and stop being so fatalistic.

I patted my coat down and cursed myself for wasting time going through my thoughts of failure instead of acting. I had to go to ROOT, I had to convince them of my loyalties, and I would have to wait until I could find the right moment to strike them down. That was my mission and there was no such thing as failure because it wasn’t allowed.


	23. Chapter 23

It had been nearly a week since I joined ROOT. I hated the place with a passion, hated walking into the suffocating metal corridors and looking at the faces of children who got progressively more and more worn down. I hated looking at the mirror and knowing that, I too, despite being an adult was also being worn down, if not a little slower than them. They beat us down again and again every night, healed us right back up, gave us time to recuperate before doing it again. I flinched as the memory of a hand shooting down at collar bone, shattering it, another memory of a kick to my ribs. I shook away those thoughts. I hadn’t signed up for this fucked up boot camp. I didn’t want this, but fucking children were going through the same thing I was, so I had no right to be traumatised like them.

Kusari was crying… well silently sniffling to be exact. He never did it in front of the ROOT instructors, just when his wounds had been healed and we were alone. It broke my heart a little each time and I wanted desperately to protect him. I pushed away his sweat matted dark blue, almost black hair, and I whispered small comforts softly towards him. At first, he had been wary of my touches, shying away from any and all physical affection, but one day he just stopped and let me run my fingers through his hair.

“It’s going to be ok,” I said once more.

If you said something enough times, then they’d believe it right? I closed my eyes and gently ran my fingers through his scalp, pushing away silky black hair calmingly. I remember Cat used to do this for me, and now dad had done it too whenever we sat about. I wondered if Kusari liked it too.

“What’s it like outside?”

Kusari hardly spoke, but when he did, he had the softest, sweetest voice. It painfully reminded me of my late cousin’s. I wondered if he’d ever been outside before. If that was why he always asked me this one question.

“It’s loud, and lively, and there’s a lot of people in Konoha of all different kinds,” I continued once more. “There’s a lot of ninja Clans, like the Akimichi who use their fat for their clan jutsu, and the Nara who can control their shadows. There’s the coolest clan, the Inuzuka’s who all raise dogs to fight by them. Then there’s the Uchiha and Hyuuga, but they’re mostly stuck up pricks who think they’re cool because of their shiny eyes.”

“Shiny eyes?”

“…Well not shiny eyes exactly. Just—ugh— _special_ eyes I guess. The Hyuuga can use it to see your tenketsu system and have a 360 field of vision, and the Uchiha—well their eyes are just broken. It’s like they’re using cheat codes to win the game,” I grumbled.

“Cheat codes?”

“Ah… never mind. Tell you what—I actually brought something for you today.”

“You aren’t allowed—”

“Well screw the rules,” I grumbled, before cutting open my jacket pocket and pulling out a book.

It wasn’t exactly Icha-Icha, but it was one of those romance novels the lady recommended I read. It was too— _vanilla_ for my tastes, but it had good morals and the romance was rather healthy. I figured the perfect way to destroy ROOTS control on Kusari was to lend him some romance novels, since I knew the kid needed hobbies… and maybe some friends besides messed-up old me, but that was impossible to give to him as it was now.

“Is, it on chakra control?” he asked.

I snorted. “Nope, just read it and find out.”

“I don’t want to get caught,” he mumbled.

“I can sense chakra really well, so I’ll keep you guard ok,” I reassured.

He nodded hesitantly before opening up the book. This was always the most tedious part of the day, well asides from ROOT training which just meant them kicking us around and breaking a few bones here and there. I hated the pain, and I hated how tired and worn out I felt afterwards when they used their accursed healing jutsu to crack the bones back in place and mend them. I only remained absolutely silent from the treatment because it was unfair of me to whine when literal children were being put through this abuse too. I knew what they were doing, and I hoped it wouldn’t work on me. They were slowly breaking us down. When you pushed the body to it’s absolute limit, cracked it until it couldn’t be cracked anymore, the mental side of things would follow too.

The children were systematically being ripped apart to be put together again. I knew it was worse for them because they lived here. The brainwashing extended to all hours of the day, every day, whereas I was allowed to leave for home by some miracle. Danzo had Orochimaru of all people cover for me, and that meant he thought I was worth all this effort for some reason. I was a risk and I didn’t know why he even wanted me around. Then again, a lot of ROOT agents had successfully infiltrated Konoha and acted like everyday people, so it wasn’t like all of them were emotionless puppets. Maybe the brainwashing also extended to people like me, the ones who would also be expected to act normal and infiltrate everyday society.

We sat in silence for hours, although it was a rather companionable silence. Kusari was a wholesome kid, a little timid and very brave. There was something about seeing a kid like him take all that abuse and still manage to be a person, that gave me hope. I didn’t want to think of his humanity cracking, of him ending up like a blank canvas like I remembered Sai being. He was so full of life and character under all that abuse.

“Someone’s coming,” I said, gesturing for the book.

Kusari handed it back to me and I pocketed it just in time before Hakanai stepped into the room. She gestured for us to follow and I glanced at Kusari worriedly. He was shaking. I held his hand tightly before sending him a reassuring smile. He looked up timidly and nodded. Not a smile, but I couldn’t blame him. I bit my lips too. I didn’t particularly enjoy being beaten to a bloody pulp every night either. In fact a part of me was terrified by people going to touch me now. It felt like every hand coming toward me was going to inflict pain. I had consciously act normal which was…

_Infuriating._

I lined up with the other kids and began watching the ruthless beatdown. A lot of the children who had stopped fighting altogether had been disappearing one by one. I had no idea where they went. Maybe they were killed, or maybe taken to the next part of their training, to be moulded into emotionless puppets. I had no clue, and honestly, I didn’t want to find out.

I watched a little girl get kicked around by an overpowering adult, and it felt nothing like training. It felt like a beat down. With every blow, with every childish cry of pain and quiet broken sobs, it felt like a bit of me was there with her, experiencing those cruel blows. It had always been so incredibly demoralising, and I had only been here for a week.

While my heart did go out to those children, it was only really when Kusari eventually got his turn at ‘sparring’ that my patience snapped. It felt like every blow to his tiny body was a blow to me. I had made him my mission and seeing him hurt like that made my blood boil. I was _afraid,_ and _scared_ , and terribly frightened like a prey should be in the presence of a predator, but they had cornered me. I didn’t want this. Not anymore, and one more beat down would break me too.

Once he was dragged away and I stepped forward for my turn, I felt my breath catch in my throat. Above me was an iron wall. Her presence felt insurmountable and suffocating, her mask a shadowy threat looming in the air, not just of pain but of a feeling of complete hopelessness. I hated it! I hated it! **I hated it!**

Today felt different. I could feel it. Like my blood was boiling. Like these people had tipped me over to my absolute limit and left me with such an overbearing fear and resentment that I was just sick and tired of it. My grip on my tanto cut through my skin from the sheer pressure of it. This fear— I wanted it _gone._ I was willing to do **anything** to make it _go_.

_BREATHE!_

I could feel it, just like how I had felt it when I was fighting that Jounin genjutsu user. I could feel the air go down my pipes, deep into my very core. I could feel my tenketsu flare, my blood regulate, and I could feel the world become sharper. When I next opened my eyes, it was like through the pressure of this insurmountable iron wall was one thread of weakness, and I could _see_ it. I could see that little crack of weakness in my opponent and almost instantly it felt like all my emotion cleared. The world went blank, nothing around me mattered, except for the one enemy in front of me.

_Total Concentration: Wind Walker. Circle Step Form 3: Dance of the subtle breeze._

The wind twisted around my form, and the moment I breathed out, my body shot forward almost in a blur. For the first time Hakanai’s chakra flared, and I could see her feet push off the ground to run away. No, I wouldn’t allow it! I could still see the thread! I would break through this iron wall. My body flowed with chakra, the wind danced around my skin, cutting the air in front of me and making my body jump forward in a gust of wind. The sparks of energy shot through my body and I dashed forward, towards that flicker of light, the flicker of weakness I could see. My body rumbled in excitement as I closed the distance between us.

She pulled out a kunai, but I didn’t stop, not when it swung straight into my shoulder. I didn’t stop for the pain; I didn’t stop for anything because I couldn’t feel anything but this insuperable growing elation. When my blade touched the weak point, the little thread that directed my sight to Hakanai’s heart, open and free for the taking, I burst my chakra out in a precisive gust of wind at my feet. My body propelled forward, and the blade sunk into her chest. I could hear the skin tear and the bones crack as my metal drove straight into her heart.

Pure excitement coursed through my veins as her mask came off for the first time and I saw the face underneath. I memorised the look of pure surprise she adorned, the horror in her eyes as she felt her life drain, and I knew _I_ caused that. I put that expression on _her_ face, and for the first time in a long time I truly smiled.

The moment ended as her eyes lost their life and she fell to the ground in a heap. I felt the wind break from my control, the world became as it used to be, and with it the chakra in my body became too much. I could feel the familiar heat in my tenketsu. It was like the fight I had with Kazuki—the feeling of an unbearable heat followed by a sudden flare in my tenketsu that would burst blood vessels and kill me.

_No. No, you can’t stop the breathing technique now. You pushed your chakra coils to it’s limit and it’s still overheating. You need to gradually let out the energy. Don’t stop now or you’ll die!_

I restored my grip on my tanto, ripping the blade out from her body and in a mad struggle to release all my energy, I smashed it back into her again and again, each blow breaking chest cavity and spilling out obscene amounts of blood, unlike the precision strike that killed her in the first place. No one moved to stop me, not even the other ROOT instructor who was there, or the Iryo-nin’s who had watched from the side. With one last satisfying stab, I dropped down onto my knees, panting, and looking onto the carnage I caused.

For every blow she had given me, for every time she had made Kusari cry, I had her pay with her life as recompense. The feeling of helplessness as all she could do was watch as years of her life was taken away—I made her feel that, and the thought brought me a feeling of such intense satisfaction, that completing a task or mission could have never truly compare. If this felt so good, I wondered what it would be like to slowly torture and kill that bastard Danzo.

I turned my attention to Kusari, his dark blue eyes were wide, and his face was full of awe, full of _wonder_ and I smiled at him. Then for the first time since we met, he smiled back, a teary thankful smile.

“Hold her down!”

My arms were fastened behind my back as a ROOT agent kicked me to the ground, another slamming my head onto the ground. I didn’t protest, not when they had so thoroughly subdued me. I could see Kusari’s smile fade from opposite me, but my smile didn’t. I had shown them. I had shown them that I would not submit, not now or ever. There was no iron wall I couldn’t break through, no amount of conditioning that could change me, and definitely no human who could chain me down. Soon, I would not be so helpless and then they would be sorry for even thinking of using me, of hurting the people under _my_ protection. They thought I was a tool. They were wrong.

Those were my last thoughts before a sharp pain on my neck turned my world to black.

* * *

When I woke up, I wasn’t in ROOT. No, the ROOT underground system had a distinct smell of metal and a coldness to the air. I was in a similar place, but this stunk of blood, familiar chemicals, and a hint of snake. It took a moment to gather my bearings, but I quickly concluded that I was in one of Orochimaru’s labs… although why I was on a couch and not on an operating table was another question.

It took quite a bit of effort to sit up and take in my surroundings. The room had no windows, so it was underground, but the odd thing about it was that there were filing cabinets all around. Whatever metal tables there were seemed to hold only small samples of odd experiments, probably of the non-important kind.

I rubbed my head and sent a small amount of chakra to my nose. My tenketsu system abruptly flared and I gasped in pain as I bundled together and coughed. I looked down at my arms and there were the odd bruises here and there… so I _had_ popped some blood vessels doing the breathing technique. It didn’t look nearly as bad as the first time I attempted it.

“You’re a difficult girl.”

I shot up to see Orochimaru a meter away from me and I hissed out a curse. How did he always manage to sneak up on me like that? His raspy laugh made me straighten myself up, as I struggled to get to my feet. He looked at me without much of the annoyance from before.

“You’re so difficult in fact, that even Danzo thinks you’re too much of a wild card to tame.”

For some reason, hearing that was satisfying to an unhealthy level. Orochimaru didn’t get a rise out of me like he did before. For whatever reason I could almost stand the man again. It was probably because he wasn’t trying to control me right now. No, he wanted something else. I still felt the uncomfortable prickle of heat on my skin, my body subconsciously remembering the Genjutsu he placed me under.

“Why work with _him_?” I asked, instead of focusing on my fear.

“Why, well he helps me further my own goals. Why not use him to further yours? Become stronger with their training and when the time is right strike. Why did you fight it?”

I felt like I was walking on thin ice here. Whatever I was going to say had better be good enough for Orochimaru, because there was no other reason for Danzo to send me to him, than to shirk of his responsibilities of brainwashing me. Maybe he thought I would be better suited working with Orochimaru and by extension his own interests. A way to keep an eye on me without fucking up his normal plans with his other ROOT agents.

“I don’t like to be used, not when someone threatens the people that I care about,” I opted to say.

Honestly, the plan was to play it safe for a bit, but not even a week in and I had managed to be so unruly, that I killed a trainer and probably pushed back all the other children’s indoctrination for weeks. Oh, I didn’t really regret doing that, despite it making me fall under further suspicion.

“There’s more to it than that,” he pressed.

Why was he so interested in my reasoning? I was just a lowly Genin who happened to have the mental capacity of an adult. I may have been amazing in some rights, but by all means I was just another prodigy, with nothing of the natural talent of Kakashi possess or the insane potential of future Itachi. Worst of all, I couldn’t lie to this man. He saw through my falsehoods almost as quickly as Gaku-sensei did.

“He pisses me off.”

Orochimaru laughed at that. “And you were calling Suki out on her hatred of Kumo.”

Well I was a fucking hypocrite and I wouldn’t deny that. I narrowed my eyes at him. What was he playing at? Why was he paying me any attention, when the last time we met he had literally tortured me with genjutsu to teach me my place. Why humour me now?

“Why are you talking to me? What is it that _I_ have that you want?” I asked as levelly as I could.

His yellow eyes lost their mirth and he sharpened his gaze at me. I had to stop myself from flinching back as he knelt down in front of me and put his too slender fingers on my chin. I was backed into a corner and this creep in front of me, touching me made my senses scream danger. I knew logically he wasn’t into children, not that way, but that hungry expression he was wearing right now made me question my assumptions for a second.

“You don’t know it, but you managed a feat many have during a pivotal moment in battle. You overcame your own limits in one bound.”

I blinked in confusion. Was this the mysterious power that somehow gave people that extra boost of energy when they had none? I had heard stories of course, of people in war completely exhausted and worn out, find that last bit of chakra out of nowhere to continue. It sounded more like a miracle of the human will than a controlled feat.

“If everyone can do it, why does that make me doing it any more special than them?”

Orochimaru’s expression became even more hungrier if that was anything to go by. His thin lips curved upwards into a smile; his sharp intelligent yellow eyes narrowed in on mine with an intensity I had never seen from anyone before.

“Because you weren’t pushed to your limits when you managed this. Your chakra wasn’t exhausted. The ROOT agent I talked to told me your eyes focused and your chakra spiked in a _controlled_ manner. For a moment you spiked from a medium Genin chakra reserve to a low Jounin level. Now tell me _Hina-chan_ ; how exactly did you manage this?”

I blinked in shock. The amount of chakra from a Genin to a low Jounin was a considerable gap, especially considering my chakra reserves were only slightly above average for a Genin and were still growing. To think it spiked that far?! I wondered for a second if I really was a _prodigy,_ because for the first time in my whole life, I actually felt like I was one.

I gave Orochimaru a look. Right now he was asking me a question. A very poignant question. I wanted to answer him in earnest because I knew that look on his face. I myself had worn that look before. It was that look of absolute wonder at a new discovery, the thrill and excitement that came from finding out a new piece of knowledge that no one else had their hands on. For those who worked in the scientific fields, to have a moment like this, was rare and sought after. I was sure Orochimaru, the lucky bastard he was, probably had many of these moments. Right now I wasn’t talking to a sadist evil scientist, but rather a man who was incorrigibly in love with discovering new things. His enthusiasm and intensity were rubbing off on me.

“No, no,” I mumbled, “It’s more than that. It wasn’t _just_ a chakra spike. It was like suddenly I was aware of every part of me, my tenketsu, my blood regulation, my heartbeat, and my temperature. It was like I could _see_ the world more clearly.”

Orochimaru blinked and the momentary look of shock schooled back into his normal expression. He let go of my chin and stepped away, his eyes still retaining that hunger, if not more amplified now.

“And you think you’ll be able to do it again?”

Ah, so this was what this was about. Orochimaru wanted to learn it himself, or maybe he was just curious how I did it. I almost just wanted to tell him to breathe and leave him to figure it out himself, but I was nowhere near the power level required to act so beautifully flamboyant like that. He’d probably torture me some more for my insolence. I wasn’t in the mood for more pain, and I had no idea how this man would act once I gave him this information. Would he find me useless again and therefore go back to the way he was before?

“I think I can. I did it once before as well,” I said hesitantly.

“Describe the feeling,” Orochimaru demanded.

I put my fingers on my chin and looked up in thought. Honestly, I was so caught up in the moment back then, feeling the rush of the energy and the moment had swept me away. I didn’t really try and quantify what exactly I was doing to achieve those results. Now how exactly was I meant to explain it to Orochimaru?

“Well I breathed in, all the way down to my core. I—I don’t know for sure, but chakra has to do with our blood flow, right?” I asked, wringing my fingers together nervously.

“It does. Our tenketsu system moves in direct correlation to our blood vessels, however it is a separate system that deals with chakra only.”

Oh, well it was a relief to know my theory was _mostly_ right. I tried to put my thoughts into words. I would have preferred writing it all down for the Sannin, but I wasn’t so sure he’d appreciate me taking my time writing a report when he looked clearly so impatient. For a moment I was taken off-guard by my own unusual calmness right now. This whole conversation reminded me of sitting back in my old office, talking theories and research with my old co-workers. It felt so stupidly familiar that I had almost let down my guard. I shook my head to bring me back to the present.

“Well, honestly to spike your chakra you need to breathe… but down here,” I said pointing to my gut.

“Your diaphragm is not there,” Orochimaru said dryly.

“Ah—well yes, but I don’t understand how, just that you need to do it.”

“That’s where your seventh chakra gate is. Did you realise that?”

I blinked and then widened my eyes in realisation. He was right. The 8 gates were located at the core regions of your tenketsu. The problem was, I knew it wasn’t that. How could I have activated one of the gates without causing damage to my body? The closest thing to what I had managed was the equivalent of opening the third gate; the gate of life—which dealt with increasing blood flow regulation around the body. No, this was more than that. This had to do with chakra regulation, and maybe it just happened to corollate with the positioning of one of the gates. Chakra existed in my previous life as well, and my mother had been a Hindu who avidly believed in the idea that Chakra taught by Guru’s. To some extent it did work for her. She had managed to control her breathing to an insane level. 

Could our worlds possibly be linked in some way?

I felt myself freeze. The idea itself seemed to make something click in my head. Of course our worlds related. There was a highly accurate _story_ of it back there. On the occasion I wondered if I was even real, if my life was actually something I was living and not a story in and of itself, and often I ignored it because it sent some kind of existential dread into my very being. This felt real though. The people here didn’t look like drawings, they looked like actual people, and the ground and the air and the world was vibrant with life. But then I wondered something… was there a natural force connecting our worlds. What if chakra was exactly that? Then did it mean that the stories of other manga and anime were real? What about other shows? Was all that inspiration for stories just some cosmic leakage into the minds of writers and content creators around the world? If so… was there a story about my original world _here?_

“You’re spacing out.”

I returned to the matter at hand and buried those uncomfortable questions where I couldn’t think of them. Right, back to the topic of the 8 gates. I didn’t really discuss this with Might Dai or Guy, but since I knew them, it wasn’t so farfetched that I would know their techniques. It wouldn’t look suspicious to know of it.

“Right, sorry. I—don’t think it’s the 8 gates. Opening the third gate would simulate increasing blood flow and therefore an increase in strength, but what I did was different. I didn’t unlock any gate. It was like I was hyper aware of my body and my surroundings. It was… a _total concentration breathing._ ”

I liked the sound of that. It came to mind the second time I used it. It was like my brain had kicked into hyper gear. All that background noise, those thoughts that buzzed in the back of your head every day, it was suddenly gone. It felt like I was walking on a totally still pool of water, barely making a ripple in this blank canvas of a world that just focused on _one_ thing.

“Maybe it simulated the effects of opening the third gate to a lesser extent, but I don’t doubt opening the gates itself would be more powerful,” I concluded.

Orochimaru’s frown was evident. He probably wasn’t satisfied with my explanation. I wasn’t some goddamn teacher though. I explained it as best as I could anyway. I just hoped he wouldn’t kill me now and deal with the consequences as he went along, because he was honestly unpredictable enough to do so.

“You may go home now, but I will expect you here tomorrow night at 10 sharp. We will be testing out this technique of yours. I will be documenting it.”

“Ah—h-hai!”

With that he left the room and I confusedly followed behind him. I probably looked like a lost puppy, but honestly, I just didn’t know where I was and so all I could do was follow. I looked up at his back and was surprised that I held absolutely no hatred towards this man for having tortured me with genjutsu. I had pissed him off, so it was my fault… and probably comparing him to Danzo had been a bit brash of me before. Orochimaru was unabashedly a villain. Danzo, the fucker he was, tried to act like he was some sort of fucking dark hero. It pissed me off, and associating Orochimaru with Danzo before had made me hate the Snake more, but now I realised something—Orochimaru was just as tied down as I was by Danzo. The man was probably the only reason the snake could go around doing his research freely in Konoha.

I didn’t want a snake hickey or to be roped into torturing some poor humans, but I was enticed by the prospect of getting my hands on some of Orochimaru’s research notes. I wanted to know what he knew. I wanted to eventually be just as powerful, so powerful that it sent people to their knees in fear. If anyone tried to mess with what was mine, I wanted the ability to make them suffer. I knew these feelings were ugly, maybe it would sound a bit evil to some, but I couldn’t lie to myself about what I wanted anymore. I lied to myself and what I got for it were dreams of all the people I killed, mocking me with what they wanted to do in life. I told myself I should care, and all I got for it were nightmares, but I didn’t—I didn’t care about those people and it was ok not to. Maybe it was ok to unabashedly go for what you wanted… just like Orochimaru.

I paused in my step. I didn’t have the time to feel bad, not anymore. I had originally declined his offer out of fear of being marked by him. I still didn’t want to be. I wanted to rise the ranks as my own person, making my own name, but now I was tied to ROOT. I would always be seen as that girl who was Danzo’s pawn, and the thought itself made me furious. Orochimaru, as much of a sick fuck he was, didn’t piss me off as much as Danzo. I’d do some ugly things in the future to get where I need to be, but it was ok if it meant I’d have the power to protect my family and friends.

“Orochimaru-sama,” I called out stopping.

The man turned around and looked at me. I wrapped my fists together and pulled out all of my determination. I felt a smile draw at my face, and for once I was _excited_.

“You said before that I could come to learn Fuinjutsu with you, and I declined because I was pathetic and weak willed. I’m not anymore. Please take me as your student!”

I bowed low. I shut my eyes tightly, waiting for a response, but nothing came, not for a good while, and when I angled my body up to look at him, he was smiling. A deep, raspy chuckle was pulled from his throat.

“Sarutobi has been hounding me to take a student recently,” Orochimaru finally said, a hint of resentment taking his voice. “I decline every year, but I can see his patience weaning. I’ve been scouting for a new student, someone worthy.”

Oh, that explained things. No wonder he had stopped to discuss Fuinjutsu with me all those months back. I just assumed it was because he wasn’t such a bad guy. Of course he wouldn’t stop for no reason at all. Did this mean he wouldn’t take Anko as his student later on? I didn’t really care to be honest. I was never truly worried about changing the timeline in this world. All I knew was that I needed to get through this war with my family, and then get strong enough to take on anyone who fucked with me.

“I haven’t judged you worthy yet. Follow me, and we’ll see.”

“Hai!”

We walked through the corridor towards another, slightly dimly lighted one. The walls had bars here, and I noticed from the stench of rotting flesh, to the smell of faeces, urine, and sickness, that it was people behind these bars. I held my nose and scrunched my eyes together as they watered. It _stunk_. I took a glance into the cages to see people sitting about, looking like lifeless dolls. The light had left their eyes. I was once again reminded that Orochimaru was also a sick fucker, and my stomach roiled in disgust and pity. These people… they had been broken. Danzo should probably learn a thing or two from Orochimaru.

“What are they here for?” I asked.

“I’ve been working on a way to perfect immortality for a while, a way to defeat death,” Orochimaru supplied with excitement in his voice.

“Were you able to—find a method, I mean?”

“Yes, but it is imperfect. With each body, the world fights to work against me.”

“Cells deteriorate more rapidly than they reproduce,” I supplied with a frown. “That’s just the way things work.”

Unless of course, you managed to somehow exceed the Hayflick limit, but I didn’t exactly know the word for that in this language, so I refrained from commenting on it. Essentially Orochimaru was searching for a way to stop the deterioration of the human cell from age. It wasn’t as theoretically impossible as it sounded, but I wondered if he could do it, surpass the rules of this world with knowledge alone. 

“And that’s what separates everyone from me. Everyone simply accepts the way this world works. They bend their knee to its rules, but I will not. Death is just a conquerable obstacle, like many more obstacles I will hurdle over.”

Orochimaru sounded so sure of himself that for a moment I did believe him. He was right in some ways. This man was willing to go more than a mile for his goals. I always limited myself with my sense of pride. While he would not stop until he got the Sharingan and a perfect body, I was more the type to stubbornly use my imperfect body to prove just that I could. We were both stubborn in our own ways.

He opened a door into a room with a metal table in the middle, and I froze. Did he want to experiment on me? No, there was someone there, chained to the wall. He was naked, and unconscious, a sheen of sweat going down his face.

Orochimaru handed me a folder and grinned.

“Are you ready for your test?”


	24. Chapter 24

Previously

_He opened a door into a room with a metal table in the middle, and I froze. Did he want to experiment on me? No, there was someone there, chained to the wall. He was naked, and unconscious, a sheen of sweat going down his face. He seemed to be unconscious._

_Orochimaru handed me a folder and grinned._

_“Are you ready for your test?”_

* * *

“You will be keeping this man alive and do as I instruct as I begin the procedure.”

Was that it? I nodded unsurely. There must be more to the test than just that. I kept my thoughts to myself as Orochimaru undid the bounds on the man and carried him to the table. He strapped down the unconscious man before finally addressing me.

“Hand me that grey tool kit.”

I jogged over to the kit and put it on the table for Orochimaru. He unclipped the kit and opened it to reveal several rather shiny sharp metal objects. I looked back at the unconscious man and swallowed my spit. This did not bode well for the man. So Orochimaru wanted to see if I’d object to his cruel experiments? A part of me did want to. I didn’t like the idea of conducting inhumane experiments, or actually more so the fact that none of these people looked like willing participants. I’d done many human tests back in the day, but it was always with a substantial amount of red tape in the way. There were forms and legalities one had to go through to do human testing for medicinal purposes. Of course the people who did agree were almost always desperate and were close to death, so it was always a little morally dubious. This wasn’t morally dubious; this was plain out wrong. But I told myself that I’d do anything, and if this is what it took, I’d do this too.

“Now I’m going to conduct a vivisection. Unfortunately, this experiment requires for the participant to be awake. I’ll need him to regulate his chakra to his core, and if he’s unconscious that won’t be happening. You’ll talk to him, convince him to direct his chakra where I tell him to. Succeed and I’ll think of taking you in as an apprentice.”

“H-hai…”

A vivisection? Kami, this wasn’t a frog, this was a human!

With that Orochimaru took out a needle and injected the man’s neck. The man seized up before his eyes fluttered open in confusion. He jerked his body up only to find that he was tied down to the table. His eyes darted to Orochimaru and then to me in confusion.

“W-what’s going on?!”

I looked at Orochimaru and he was just smiling. He was serious about me doing the talking then. I bit down my nervousness and put on a serious face. It was time to put on my infamous professionalism I was known for in my previous life.

“You are in Orochimaru-sama’s lab. We will be conducting a procedure on you.”

“F-fuck off! Get me out of these!”

I continued on like I wasn’t interrupted, because I really didn’t want to drag this on more than necessary. “This experiment will require your full cooperation. Currently you are incapacitated, and your life is one of many that we do not care about. If you want to survive, you will listen and obey even through the pain. If you fail it will mean certain death.”

“What are you going to do to me?” he asked, voice harsh but tense. He looked paler than he was before.

“I am going to implant something into your heart. If this procedure works you will naturally be able to absorb Senjutsu through your final gate,” Orochimaru explained cordially.

I blinked in shock. Senjutsu! That was the basis of the future curse seal. Of course Orochimaru required Jugo for his kekkai genkai to perfect the sealed version. Was I witnessing it in its early stages? A way to absorb natural energy without learning the sage arts… that sounded interesting. I was interrupted from my thoughts when Orochimaru pulled out a gag and strapped it around the struggling man’s mouth.

“Calm down,” I said as soothingly as I could. “Remember we need your cooperation for this to work. Take in steady breaths and I’ll talk you through this.”

The man just shot me a glare and Orochimaru chuckled. He pulled out a knife and I knew I wasn’t ready for what came next. I’d opened up many bodies in my old life, having studied the human body as both a biology and chemistry major. I’d cut up bodies and researched into the human immune system, but there was a major difference between a cold dead cadaver and an unwilling living and _awake_ human. Watching the blade cut down the flesh almost too perfectly, watching the man tense up and scream through the gag, I wasn’t so sure I could do this. I kept my face schooled despite the shaking in my hands.

“How is he still awake?” I asked shakily.

“I injected him with a personal concoction of mine that increases the heart rate and keeps my subjects awake and very aware.”

That was… cruel. I had to stop the frown that threatened to take my face, and instead I put a comforting hand on the man’s arm. He looked at me with wide pleading eyes and I bit my lip. Oh kami, I couldn’t watch this. This was so different from taking a life. This was… _no,_ this wasn’t so different. I took in a deep breath and continued watching despite the twists and turns in my stomach, even as Orochimaru peeled the skin of the man’s chest revealing muscle and bone, and even when the snake pulled that apart too. I let out a violent shudder when Orochimaru cracked the ribs protecting the heart and the man let out a blood curdling scream.

“You’re doing good. Deep breaths,” I continued repeating, putting my fingers through his hair, and trying to calm him down. His body shook from incredible pain and I wondered how he was still awake. Orochimaru didn’t even flinch. He just continued working like a practised surgeon.

“It’s time to regulate his chakra. Tell him to push it to his heart.”

I took in a deep breath and nodded. I leaned over so he could get a good view of my face.

“I need you to listen to me. What you do next could be what determines whether you live or die. You need to breathe in deep and concentrate. Push your chakra down to your heart. I need you to do this if you want to live ok. I’m sure there are people you want to go back home to. Do this for them.”

Kami, I was officially going to go to hell. Did I really just tell a man I was abetting in torturing to think of his loved ones? I was definitely the villain here. There was no question about that now. I’d literally just sold my soul to the devil. I might as well just sign a contract right here and now detailing my visit to hell the next time I died. Orochimaru’s supposed immortality would be good about now to get me out of this shitty situation.

At least he looked somewhat determined. I held his hands, ignoring his crushing grip on me as Orochimaru took out what looked like a paper seal and placed it on the man’s heart. I repeated words of encouragement to the man again and again, urging him to push down his pain and overcome it. I looked at his open chest, the beating heart still inside and I _saw_ it. I saw the tenketsu system for the first time. Like lay lines, it focused in on the heart, and the seal glowed. His heart expanded for a moment and then…

It exploded

I just stood there in shock. It took a minute or so before I brought shaky fingers up to my face and wiped away the blood that had sprayed. Orochimaru sighed, looking incredibly disappointed as he wiped his own face with a towel. Then he threw me one and I took it numbly.

“H-he just—”

“Well yes he died, but this was actually the closest this experiment has been to succeeding,” Orochimaru said, before a grin took his face. “You passed the test. The bathrooms down the hall to the left. If you continue down and up the left staircase, you’ll find your way out.”

And just like that he left the room with the dead man still inside, and all I could do was stand frozen in place. I felt sick. I shakily grabbed the table in front of me before kneeling down and puking out my guts out. _What the fuck_ … what the fuck had I just done? I puked again and ignored the tears that came out of my eyes. What the fuck…

* * *

Going back out into the village made me sick. I looked at the people walking around, and I felt an odd disconnect from all of them. I put my hands in my pocket and continued walking, ignoring the feeling of ugliness in my chest. I aided Orochimaru in torturing and killing a man in the name of science. My every instinct, years of moral codes and ethics, and even my very moral fibre was screaming at me in rage. I said I’d do anything though, and I needed to work on my stupid pride if I needed to get stronger. It didn’t matter what I wanted, not when I was the one who got myself in this screwed up position in the first place. First Danzo and now Orochimaru. I was digging myself in deeper, and I couldn’t regret this. In the end I was bound to play the risky game the moment Danzo branded me. The prize was the power to destroy those who went against me, and the cost of failure wasn’t just my life, but threatened the lives of the people I cared about.

_This is for them you idiot. This is to make sure you don’t fuck up your loved ones lives again just because you’re a worthless idiot. Stop whining and go apologise to Sensei, tell him you love him, and make up. Even if he hates you forever, you’ll have to continue for him. There’s no time to be crying in self-pity, not now, and not until all of this is over._

I admonished myself thoroughly before making my way to the training grounds. Today was the day I was meant to start training again with Sensei again. I hadn’t seen him since his confrontation with Orochimaru and that had been a sour moment. I didn’t expect to see him training in the field either when I entered. He looked rather riled up. He stopped the moment he caught my scent and he turned around in what looked like worry.

“Ohayo Sensei. Long time no see. I hope you aren’t mad—”

“—You smell like blood,” he said, his eyes narrowing at me.

“Ah, about that… Orochimaru-sama is well… I guess he’s harsh,” I shrugged.

“Hina… I’m—” he began before pausing and taking in a deep breath. He schooled his face as best he could, but Sensei wasn’t the kind who could hide his expressions easily, especially not from me. “I’m sorry for the way I acted earlier.”

_What???_

“Y-you don’t have to—”

“—No I do,” he said stopping me. Gaku-sensei, kneeled down in front of me, putting an arm on my shoulder as his brown eyes shone with love and worry. “You’re being trained by a Sannin. That’s no small thing. I know how cool it must sound to you, and I hope it’s not clouding whatever judgement you have. I know you’re a smart girl. Hina, there’s a difference between being beaten and training. If he ever—if he ever hits you without reason, you need to tell me ok. Sannin or not I’ll break down whatever door I need to, to get you out of there.”

I didn’t think when I jumped at Sensei and hugged him. I buried my face in his neck and took in his scent. I remembered the hands coming to strike me down, the insurmountable iron wall that was Hakanai, the utter hopelessness I felt burning in Orochimaru’s Genjutsu. I remembered wishing in those moments when I was beaten down and broken like the other children, that someone, _anyone_ would come in and just end it. In the end I had to take matters into my own hands, and I knew I would still have to for Sensei and for my family, but he had my back. He had my back and that meant the world to me.

I was so relieved. It felt like all that unspoken tension just burst from my shoulders. He didn’t hate me. _He didn’t hate me!_

“I-I was so worried you’d hate me,” I cried.

Sensei chuckled sadly, finally reciprocating the hug. “I’d never hate you my precious little bean.”

I just laughed at the stupid nickname that Nami had given me. It felt like it’d been so long since I heard it. After about five more seconds of hugging, I met my quota for a whole months’ worth of emotional vulnerability.

“I’m fine with you training with Orochimaru as long as you get him to give me your schedule. I don’t want to overwork you. You already look like you haven’t slept in weeks.”

I rubbed my eyes and yawned just in time. ROOT liked to whisk me away at the dead of night, which irrevocably made them sound like terrible paedophiles, but that was beside the point. I hardly got any sleep as it was with the nightmares, but now I didn’t get more than 3-4 hours of sleep at any time.

“If you don’t sleep, you’re going to stunt your growth and end up a shorty forever,” he chuckled, and Yama, the little cute shit he was, barked in agreement.

“I’m not _short_ , I’m _six_ ,” I reminded again in exasperation. I was actually rather tall for my age too.

“Sure, sure kiddo. Anyway, work on your Wind Walking.”

I nodded before stretching quickly and walking to the middle of the field. I shook my arms and feet and jumped on the balls of my heels to hype myself up. I killed Hakanai. I shot forward in a burst of speed even faster than when I killed Kazuki. It was like I had full control of the chakra in my body. Not even an ounce of it was wasted, and when I landed my feet on the ground this time, it didn’t break my bones from the sheer force of it. It wasn’t like back in Kumo, with Hakanai I had managed to control the raging chakra surge, and the increased blood flow. I wondered if I could do it again. I cracked my neck before taking in a deep breath. It didn’t reach as far down or as deep into my core as it did before, but it did clear my head. I tried to remember the space I was in before, that space that made the world seem like a blank gradient, and the ground a still pool of water. I closed my eyes and let the breath settle in me.

I shot forward the moment I exhaled. The wind cut around my wildly and for a second, I hesitated as my feet hit the ground. I shot chakra there and managed to leap forward once more, and once more again before I lost myself in the speed and ended up flinging myself through the field wildly again. I felt like a ragdoll as I rolled, loosing more and more momentum until my back crashed into a tree and I rubbed my head groaning. Sensei ran up to me and clapped.

“You seem to be getting it down. That was a lot more chakra than you used the first time. How are your reserves looking?”

“I didn’t expend much,” I said a little too defensively before I blushed and coughed to clear my throat and sound calmer. “I learnt to gather chakra and use it without wasting too much. It was why I jumped fast but didn’t lose my reserves.”

“That’s impressive, but for now, use less chakra. There’s no point in going that fast if you can’t even control the speed,” Sensei chuckled.

“But that’s how fast a Jounin goes normally,” I pointed out with a frown.

“And you’re not a Jounin yet, so you aren’t expected to keep up. Trust me, work your way up to that speed. I want you to be able to change directions in a month’s time using this jutsu. Once you’ve learnt that, I’ll teach you the Inuzuka Beast Imitation.”

I shot up in shock. “Isn’t that a Clan only technique?” I asked wide eyed.

Gaku chuckled a little abashed as he scratched his nose. “Yeah, I got permission from the Elders. They agreed as long as you signed a contract to never teach it to anyone else.”

“Wow seriously?” I said in awe. Sensei must have hounded them for a long time to get them to agree to that.

“Don’t go looking all starry-eyed kiddo. I knew this was coming the moment I taught you the Walking in Winds technique. It’s mostly used by Ninken you know.”

I didn’t know… which was odd since I’d been stuck on this one jutsu for months right now. Sensei gave me an amused look and I remembered how much he enjoyed teasing me. I couldn’t even bring myself to be annoyed. I was just so relieved that he didn’t hate me, that we weren’t fighting.

“Why teach it to _human_ me, then?” I asked.

“I’d always intended to teach you Beast Imitation. Tiger palm for swift kill strikes, Circle walk for unpredictable movements and finally Beast Imitation for maximum agility.”

“You planned all this from the very start of my training,” I said in surprise. Sensei had really planned ahead. He had created a fusion fighting style just for me and made sure it was something I could use past the age when I stopped growing.

“Of course I did,” he said looking rather proud of himself. “I’d done some research into your parents body builds. Your mother is of average height and is quite lithe. Your father is rather tall and stocky. Judging from your appearance it seems you’ll get your father’s height and your mother’s constitution in the future. Your body is suited to speed, quick strikes and for aerial manoeuvres. Currently you’ll be fighting most of your opponents in aerial combat, jump strikes and overhead take downs, but once you grow to your maximum height, you’ll be better suited dealing strikes using the Beast Imitation form.”

He knelt down, his fingers turning into claws as his stomach hovered over the ground. He was in the Beast Imitation position. I’d seen him use this with Yama before they combined for their combo moves. It was rather intimidating.

“For taller people like you’re going to be in the future, this form is rather off putting to most taijutsu opponents. Down low like this, there is less surface area for anyone to strike at you from the front, and you’ll get better propulsion speed if you want to jump forward into a sprint.”

“Is that why shinobi always run with their bodies angled down, and arms back?” I asked.

“Yes, and also to break wind resistance. Running with your arms swinging gives you more balance and so it requires less concentration, but with it behind you, it’s easier to move forwards. It’s not so good for sharp turns, but you can still change directions somewhat by angling your body.”

Oh, that made sense. It was kind of like riding a motorbike in a way. And then it suddenly clicked, and I pointed an accusing finger at sensei and grinned.

“You called me tall!”

“No, I said you _will_ become tall,” he retorted.

“Nuh-uh, you said I’m tall and that’s that. You can’t call me a shorty ever again because I’m _six_ and it doesn’t count right now!”

“This is what you’re so caught up on after I explained my whole master plan to you?” Sensei sighed.

“Oh, after all the grief you’ve given me over being a ‘midget’ I deserve this moment,” I replied petulantly.

We continued our banter until Yama interrupted us by barking and tackling Sensei. The dog continued barking like it was admonishing us for acting childish. I laughed at Sensei only to get a face full of dog butt as Yama sat on me. I groaned and then paused when I realised how light I felt. I’d only been with Sensei and Yama for 10 minutes and already the stress had left. I pushed Yama off my face and sat up with a chuckle. I had almost forgotten about killing Hakanai, waking up to Orochimaru, asking him to be my sensei and then helping him experiment on a Konoha Shinobi. I had almost forgotten…

_Yawn_

“Ok, that’s clearly enough for you today. Get on Yama. I’m taking you home and I’m going to put you to bed and make sure you get at least 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep.”

I didn’t complain. I jumped on Yama’s back and melted into his illegally soft fur. We talked as we made our way out of the training field, but sleep was closing in on me, and I didn’t even need a soft bed to close my eyes and fall asleep right there on Yama’s back.

I didn’t have any nightmares for the first time in a long time.


	25. Chapter 25

I hadn’t been contacted by any ROOT agents in nearly a week. It felt odd. I would run with Guy every morning, practice for 5 hours with Sensei after, and then meet up with Orochimaru mostly to test out my total concentration breathing. I still hadn’t managed to get the ROOT agent tailing me off my back. It seemed like they were going to be monitoring me around for a long time. They only ever left when I went to Orochimaru. It felt like, for a moment, my life was going back to normal… well a part of it anyway. Nothing was normal about Orochimaru and our relationship.

“You’re looking better. Is everything going good?” dad asked as he pushed more noodles into my plate.

“Yeah, I was really bummed out because having two sensei’s just messed up my scheduling, and Orochimaru-sama is a very hard worker,” I lied easily enough.

“Too hard,” dad said frowning.

“D-does he hurt you anymore?” Taichi asked, looking terribly worried for my sake.

I kind of felt bad for Orochimaru right now. The guy did enjoy torturing me with Genjutsu but really that wasn’t why I had been coming home covered in bruises. He did experiment on unwilling people though, so I didn’t feel too bad throwing him under the bus for this. It was better if my family thought he was the one who had been breaking my bones.

“No, not after Gaku-sensei set some ground rules,” I said dismissively.

I looked at Yua. She didn’t buy it. She knew there was something more going on, but every time she approached to ask me, I would dodge her questions or shut her down immediately. I couldn’t tell her anything even if I wanted to, but if she asked too many questions now, the ROOT agent trailing me could deem her worthy enough of a threat to take out. My future sibling was in her womb. No way was I risking its life.

“So Inuzuka-san is scary enough to tell off a legendary Sannin,” dad mused, and I chuckled.

Oh, Gaku did tell Orochimaru off. He demanded a meeting with the Sannin and then proceeded to glare at his _superior_ and began lecturing _Orochimaru_ for training me the way he did. Then he had the guts to tell Orochimaru that if he saw any more of that kind of training on my body, he’d take his concerns straight to the Hokage. I had just stood there dumbstruck and unable to really think. Suffice to say I had a lot of… _genjutsu_ training that evening.

The first experiment had been the worst day I had with Orochimaru so far. He didn’t call me in for experiments anymore, just told me to feed the prisoners he already kept in the cages. I felt bad for them, but I couldn’t really save them even if I wanted to anyway. What we did do was try and monitor my total concentration breathing. I would have several seals placed all over my body, recording my heart rate, my pulse, and several other vital chakra points. Then I’d just stand around trying to spike my chakra and increase my blood flow for hours. I’d managed once or twice, but never to the extent I had when I killed Hakanai.

Fuinjutsu was not something I could study just yet. I wanted desperately to jump straight into it, but I had ninja tailing me, scouring my _room_. They didn’t know I knew, but I _knew_. I wasn’t going to risk doubling my efforts into Fuinjutsu until I was a little more trusted by Danzo, and even then, I’d have to find some fail-safes to keep my research under wraps.

My biggest concern however was for Kusari. Without being invited to attend ROOT, I couldn’t really protect him. He’d probably been assigned another partner. It made me queasy. I had vowed to make him my responsibility, but it seemed the world had other plans. I needed to take down Danzo somehow and getting Orochimaru to be my pseudo ROOT master was a good way to begin, but not to continue. I slurped down more noodles before narrowing my eyes at my food in thought.

“Is something wrong?”

“Ah, no, no,” I said quickly smiling at dad. “Nothing’s wrong. I’m just worried you know—”

“What about?”

_Oh, you know not dying, and maybe not having a secret ANBU organisation come for my family’s heads._

“I haven’t grown an inch in the past few months,” I decided to say.

“It’s because you’re not drinking your milk,” Taichi deadpanned.

“What am I, a cow?”

“See, that’s why you aren’t growing. You don’t have to like it, you just have to drink it,” Taichi said moving his hands in a chop chop motion.

I smiled at him before I shovelled in the rest of my noodles before standing up. I needed to go train until I got down the Wind Walker technique. So far with weeks of practice I had only managed to run about three steps before losing control at full speed. At about half the speed, I’d managed a few more steps before I couldn’t stop. It built up speed as I ran and so it was a lot harder to control than a Shunshin which was a start and stop kind of technique. I was going to hound Shisui to help me out.

“Why the rush?” Yua sighed.

“I’m going to go train with Shisui. Gotta get faster,” I said excitedly.

“Your obsession with running is so confusing,” Taichi said shaking his head.

“Eh, you’re supposed to support your imouto’s dreams Tai-nii,” I chided.

“Only if my imouto learnt to relax once in a while,” he retorted.

“Taichi’s right Hina. You’ve been working yourself to the bone. Take a day off,” dad sighed shaking his head with a considerably more worried look than normal.

“Ahhhh… no time! Gotta go!”

I pulled my haori over my arms before waving a quick goodbye, before making my hasty retreat down the stairs and out of the house. I took to running across the streets, dodging, and weaving through the crowd, until I ended up in the Uchiha district by the red bridge river. I waved at Shisui who was practicing his katas.

“Yo!”

“Ah Hina-chan,” he greeted, turning around as he noticed me.

“Your form is impeccable as always,” I complimented.

He blushed and rubbed the back of his head with a smile. “Haha thanks Hina-chan. Let’s start on some stretches first.”

I nodded in agreement and then we began stretching. Once we were done with our stretches, I was about ready for some advice. Shisui was beginning to make a name for him with his incredibly quick Shunshin. People said it was almost like he was teleporting. I saw him do it once and it was amazing.

“Ok, so how about you show me what you’ve managed to get so far?”

“I would… but 3 steps in and I’m falling at max speed. At about a tenth of the speed and I can control it well enough, but right now I’m going for a quarter.”

“Why don’t we start with a quarter of your current maximum speed then,” Shisui suggested.

I nodded my head and got into position. I’d done it so many times by now that I didn’t need to do the hand seals to direct the chakra around my body. I was just glad that wind was an affinity I had along with fire. I took in a deep breath before jumping forward in a gust of wind the moment I let it out. I ran three steps before once again losing control of my speed and momentum. Having crashed so many times thus far, I managed saving myself the embarrassment of crashing on my ass and instead got on all fours, my body dragging backwards from the force as I tried to stop myself. Once I had stopped the momentum, I let out a frustrated breath and stood up.

“Not so bad. You seem to have it, but I noticed something,” Shisui said rubbing his chin in thought.

“What is it? Any feedback is good at this stage,” I said eagerly.

Shisui drew one leg back and lowered his centre so he was in a more stable position. Then he held both palms outwards before pushing them towards his waist. He repeated the movement a few times making it look like he was mining a push/chopping motion. “This is what you’re doing with your chakra,” he said nodding his head.

“Uh… what?”

He repeated the motion again but now he just looked like an idiot.

“Your chakra is out like this, and then you push it in before releasing it. Like a standard forward punch,” he explained.

Oh, that made more sense. I scratched my nose as I looked up in thought. That did make sense. I channelled my chakra to my core and then burst it out through the tenketsu in my legs through my feet. That’s how chakra slide works.

Shisui continued his explanation catching my attention. “When you push your chakra into your core and through your feet you hold back the chakra there well enough, but you’re having a hard time moulding the wind cutter technique at the same time. So you expend a lot of chakra just to create the vacuum in front of you, and then to make up for it, you redistribute your chakra on the second and third steps, which makes you go faster than you need to go.”

I was stumped, and my jaw hung wide open in shock. Shisui blushed and then scratched the back of his neck.

“U-Um… what’s wrong?”

“You—you just watched me _once_ and you figured all that out! How?!”

He blinked rapidly, a little flustered before scratching his cheeks and looking away. “Oh, that… well I used my Sharingan.”

Damn broken doujutsu! I held back a petulant ‘unfair’ because Sharingan were _broken._ Seriously how was the average person meant to compete with a competent Uchiha if they had an eye with that many ridiculous power ups? I took in a deep breath. There was no use getting jealous of things I’d never have, and Shisui was trying to help me so going off at the kid would make me twice as immature.

“Ah… that’s ok. So what you were saying is that I can’t seem to control my chakra in both directions,” I concluded.

“Yeah. You have exceptional control when it comes to regulating it to one technique, but the Walking In Winds is something you have to multitask. It’s actually a really useful technique… it could probably beat a Shunshin in battle.”

I perked up at that. “How so?” I asked.

“Well a Shunshin goes from point A to point B, so it’s easier to move quickly and has less room for mistakes. To use a good Shunshin you have to channel chakra to _all_ points of your body rather than just your feet, and so it’d be slightly more chakra intensive than the Walking in Winds technique. While the Walking in Winds allows for a greater range of mobility in battle with less chakra usage since you can cut off the wind vacuum once you’ve built enough momentum. Then it’s really just up to controlling the chakra in your feet and finding your centre of balance when moving your body.”

Oh kami, this kid broke me. I gawked at him in absolute disbelief. Was he actually 9 years old or was he some kind of secret reincarnated hack like me? There was no way he was this smart… right? He still looked lost in thought, as if he were just putting to words the book he just wrote in his head.

“The sheer speed you can manoeuvre at during taijutsu combat is insane with this. It’s more than just a speed technique, it’s a technique that allows for maximum speed at close combat. Of course you’d need to be able to maintain an Inuzuka beast stance to maintain balance—”

He figured that out just from one display. I blinked in shock. Shisui was a genius! It took Gaku-sensei explaining that this technique was more for ninken for me to truly understand why, but Shisui didn’t even need to be told and he had connected the dots. Truly the children in this world were terrifying.

“Ah, Shisui-kun, no need to continue. Gaku-sensei already explained those things to me. He got permission to teach me the Beast Imitation form,” I said.

“The Inuzuka were always the most relaxed about Clan secrets but that’s still impressive,” Shisui said amazed.

I nodded my head a little too proudly. “I know right. Gaku-sensei is the best… so what was that about not being able to distribute chakra to two points?”

“Yeah, for you to get down the Walking in Winds technique, you’ll need to learn when to add to, and take chakra away from, your wind cutter and chakra slide in tandem. It’s about fine tuning the propulsion and maintaining your momentum with wind cutter.”

“Oh, so I would have to turn off wind cutter once I got to my desired speed and use chakra slide in timed intervals,” I concluded nodding my head.

“Exactly. So why don’t we try it together.”

“Together?”

Shisui activated his Sharingan and I nodded. He went through the hand seals to get the chakra moulding right for wind cutter, but other than that, when we both jumped, he performed a rather good Wind Walker. I lost my footing after 3 steps but this time I made a conscious effort to cut off my wind cutter and chakra slide, so I didn’t lose control entirely. I ended up running a few hundred meters instead of crashing this time. I turned around to see that Shisui had stopped. Amazing!

“How did you—that was your first time,” I said in disbelief.

“Well I copied your technique with my Sharingan,” he said again.

“No, that can’t be it. The Sharingan gives you perfect memory, not perfect technique, and this jutsu requires stability. You’re just really good at it,” I pointed out in disbelief. “How did you manage to stop? I need to be able to stop to proceed to the next step.”

He grinned sheepishly. “Like I said, it’s all about control. You’ve got good chakra control, but you’re too conscious about it. You need to be able to let go and let it naturally direct around your body. You tend to focus all your chakra perfectly into one spot, like you’re constantly hyper-aware of it.”

I did, but that’s because I lived a whole life without chakra, so when I felt this warm energy inside of me, I was always aware of it. I was aware of it as a baby and the same could be said for me now. I thought my constant immaculate control of it would be a bonus, but was it hindering me all along? How was I meant to somehow break through years of conditioned practice and _naturally_ direct chakra through my body?

Shisui put a hand on my shoulder and smiled. “Cheer up, people progress at different speeds. You just need to train harder.”

I nodded. Of course a _child_ had to be the one knocking some sense into me. “You’re right. Hard work and perseverance are a good cure for incompetence.”

“You didn’t need to put it so harshly,” he chuckled weakly.

“I will burn this weakness from my body!” I said exaggeratedly, earning a chuckle from the both of us.

I was too pumped to care about useless things like being too harsh on myself. Guy would be proud of this enthusiastic display. I would get this technique down if it killed me. Total concentration breathing was only the first step.

* * *

Faster! Stronger! Better!

I’d never felt the need to improve so much before. The urgency of my task was not lost to me. I may only be 6, and I may only be starting my career, but I needed to be the best of the best because somehow, I managed to get myself involved in things way over my head. I had no time for weakness. Shisui beating me at a jutsu I practiced for months in one single go was just a reminder of that weakness. I wiped the sweat off my face as I closed my eyes.

_Inhale, through your stomach, push it in as far as it can go. Exhale through your mouth, slowly and steadily. A good breath is only as good as the person who can control it._

“Your heart rate spiked. Do it again,” Orochimaru commented.

I inhaled again. Then it came to me, what Shisui had said about my chakra control. I only ever pulled it to one place at a time, concentrating on one limb and area at a time. I needed to do more, I needed to spike the chakra _everywhere_. It made sense now. When I went against Hakanai _everything_ spiked and only then did I direct chakra elsewhere.

I ignored the wires attached to my chest and the Fuinjutsu scrawled over my mostly naked body. I put my hands together on my lap and closed my eyes to take in a deep breath once more. This time I tried my best to send my chakra to multiple places.

“That was pathetic. Do you want another session, or are you going to do better?” Orochimaru asked impatiently.

“I’ll do _better_ ,” I bit out narrowing my eyes at the ground.

“Again!”

I would do better! I furrowed my brows in concentration as I pushed all my chakra out at once. I could feel it! My tenketsu flared with chakra and I inhaled just in time to energize it further. My lungs expanded with oxygen and then that intense feeling of power flowed through me.

“It’s happening. Keep it in play for as long as you can,” Orochimaru demanded.

I didn’t think that was a good idea. I had no idea how to control this and my blood vessels could burst if I weren’t careful. A bigger part of me was more worried about Orochimaru’s punishments though, so I listened despite the red flags of the request. I continued taking in deep breaths, again and again and I felt my skin prickle painfully hot. My chest seized for a moment and I doubled over in pain as my chakra flared unnaturally and my heart sped up. What felt like a dam burst in my body rather than out and my chakra died down replaced with an intense pain around my body.

“No, no that wasn’t it,” Orochimaru mumbled as he pushed my body painfully, so I was lying on my back.

I gasped for air as he ran a diagnostic jutsu over my body. I ground my teeth together tightly as I cursed my own inability. What was I thinking? I shouldn’t have been focused on my breathing; I should have been more focused on my chakra control.

“Your heart rate is too fast. You might go into cardiac arrest. We’ll take a break for now.”

I shot out and gripped his arm without thinking. He turned his yellows eyes at me, and I grit my teeth, bearing in my pain.

“No”

“No?”

“No, I can continue,” I expanded, gritting my teeth, and sitting up. “My heart rate is up right now, it’s the perfect time to get it down.”

“Try not to die. I will want a report after this.”

Orochimaru backed off and I shakily went back to my sitting position. I needed to get into the zone. To feel the world become a blank canvas, for the ground to disappear beneath my very feet so all there was, was that singular goal in front of me. I would feel it once more. I swore on my life I would. Failure was never an option.

_Total concentration breathing_

Almost like the wind stopped, and the background noise died to a mute, the world around me blanked and I was _aware_. I could feel my body, it’s rhythm and scent, and the pain that had plagued me a moment ago went numb. There was a world going on inside of you that you never noticed, a world of energy and life that maintained the machine that was your very being. I had always been aware of my chakra, but now I could _feel_ it, and every bit of it was unique. Breathing was just a single part of it, a regulation method that kept my blood flowing in tandem with my chakra. I realised now, how to push my chakra to each and every point of my body.

_Click click click_

What was that sound? And almost suddenly the background noise appeared again, the pain flared through my chest and the world went back to normal. I let out a painful wheeze as I doubled over. I pulled myself together and expelled as much chakra as I could to stop my body from killing itself.

“Interesting, it’s like you’re simulating the effects of opening a gate without even touching it. How is it possible to be this in tune with your chakra? A kekkai genkai maybe?” Orochimaru mused.

I let out another harsh cough and wiped the blood from mouth. It worked! I did it!

“N-not a kekkai genkai,” I managed to say through my shaky breath as I grinned. “A new technique.”

For a moment Orochimaru just looked at me before an excited smile took his face. That was the smile of a passionate scientist, and for once I ignored the danger behind that grin, because that same excitement had been bubbling inside of me. It broke through my fear of pain and of failure. It was what drove the inquisitive mind. At the heart of things, Orochimaru and I weren’t so different. There was nothing worse than mediocrity, nothing worse than letting yourself fall into complacency, because there were always things you wanted to accomplish. Our specific end goals were different, but we both craved the same thing: power.

“We will continue this again tomorrow. For now follow me if you can stand,” he said, voice still as patronising as ever.

“I can stand,” I said stubbornly.

I got up shakily, ignoring the pain in my chest as I took off the monitors on my chest. I walked over hastily towards my shirt, not wanting to be shirtless in front of this man for a second longer. I may only be 6, and so maybe I shouldn’t be that embarrassed about it, but my mind was still a lot more mature. I threw on my fishnet shirt, before putting on my kimono and hastily throwing on my haori while I ran behind Orochimaru. The bastard never bothered to wait for anyone.

We made our way through his underground labs before he opened the door to a room I’d never been in before. I walked in and paused in my step. A library? The number of scrolls and books stacked on all the shelves made my already dangerously fast beating heart, beat a little faster. I felt an excitement rush through me that I’d quelled for years. The innate part of me that enjoyed the academics squealed in delight.

“This is my personal library. Do enjoy yourself.”

I looked up to see Orochimaru’s amused expression and I didn’t care that this man was a sadist human experimenter with a penchant for putting me in mentally scarring genjutsu, because this was just worth it. A _whole library_ , without the need for 5 years doing menial tasks for a Nara research grant or applying for an impossible position as a Tokubetsu Jounin just to get the bare minimum of resources. A _whole_ goddamn library! There was probably information hidden here that would be impossible to get anywhere else in this whole world.

As much as I felt bad for all of Orochimaru’s experiments, it went to say that you got the most accurate results testing on humans than you did on animals. Even back in my old planet, there were human experiments from the old world-wars on enemy soldiers that provided vital information on curing even current day diseases. Whether that research was from the Nazi’s, Japanese, Russian’s or even the American’s didn’t matter. In the end everyone was human and all capable of the same level of depravity and creativity. The scientific fields had shunned the human experiments as morally wrong and cruel, but when it came down to it, if they needed to, they still used the data from those experiments they hated so much. Heck, even I had studied a few of the experiment files myself back when I was learning about the human immune system.

This library had that information. It felt like I would never get this level of research notes ever again in my life.

“Amazing,” I couldn’t help but say a little breathless.

“If you’re going to take something out, make sure to take it by me first. It goes to say you are not allowed to show it to anyone else.”

I didn’t know what to say to the man. I wasn’t so sure if thanking him was appropriate, considering the things he’d put me and many other people through. Maybe this was compensation for the amount of shit I’d been through with Danzo and Orochimaru. One tiny bit of karma that actually was in my favour for once. I had abandoned my morality, and whatever right I had to call myself a decent human by joining up with Orochimaru. Some would say that Danzo was actually the lesser of two evils, but I didn’t care. It wasn’t about who was eviller to me, it was what I needed to do to be stronger, to protect what belonged to me.

“Orochimaru-sama,” I said, bringing his attention back to me. I put on a determined expression. I would use him like he was using me, and I would become stronger even if the price was my humanity. “I will not fail.”

He just smiled, that hard to pin down smile of his before he nodded and left wordlessly. I had no idea what he was thinking, not like how I could read Gaku-sensei, but I wondered if I saw a glimmer of approval then.

“No it must have been the light…”

I turned back to the library at my disposal and felt a grin pull at my face. It was time to get back in the groove.


	26. Chapter 26

* * *

Orochimaru Part 1/2

* * *

_“I think it’s about time you got yourself another student”_

Orochimaru had refused multiple times of course, but his old sensei was as persistent as any monkey. He didn’t know what else to expect from the now senile man. Old age had made him more annoying if anything. Orochimaru had more important things to take care of. Unlike his two teammates who floundered away being useless, he was working day and night to transcend his limitations. To take on a Genin, would only get in the way of his goals.

That had been his thought process for quite a long time, until the Hokage demanded he take on a student within the next three years or the man would choose for him. Something about his growing antisocial behaviour being rather destructive or something. Orochimaru didn’t care, he just didn’t want to be bogged down to a _child_ of all things. He had met Jiraiya just to get his old sensei off his back for a few weeks, and that was when he first encountered the name Suzuki Hina. Jiraiya had loudly complained about a brat who demanded to learn Fuinjutsu of all things. Orochimaru rationalised that if he managed to find a student himself, one who was smart, and morally bankrupt enough to participate in his experiments with him, then it wouldn’t be an utter waste of time. He just needed someone who wasn’t going to bother him too much.

So he tracked down the little girl as his first candidate. He found her sprawled out on a training field, surrounded by notes on her research. It seemed she had taken her self-assigned Fuinjutsu seriously. She had emerald green hair darker up the top and fading to a vibrant lime at the tips, and viridian sea green eyes, and oddly enough the first thought that came to his head was _broccoli_ when he thought of the girl. That did make him smile a little.

On the occasion he did find joy in frightening children, so he jumped down from his perch and abruptly asked the girl what she was doing. She jumped in fright before a recognising glint took her eyes, and she became even more jumpy. Orochimaru wondered what he had done to elicit such a strong response. He struck up a conversation to test her out, and she began acting like a petulant child. Orochimaru tched. She was acting, and he wanted her to squirm, and what better way to do that than to call her out.

"Don't try to put on an act. It's unbecoming."

If it was possible her eyes popped out of her head even more. Orochimaru gleamed some amusement from this girl, but so far, he hadn’t seen anything noteworthy enough to get her the spot as his assistan—um _student._

"What's gotten you so frightened? Not excited to see a Sannin?" Orochimaru asked, circling the girl. It was a classic tactic to assume dominance in a conversation.

Orochimaru expected more stuttering, maybe some half-baked responses. He really did want to know why she was so afraid of him after all. He did not expect for her eyes to take on a calculative sheen, for all her jitters to leave her in an instant, and for her to bow and ask for his help _studying_ of all things. Orochimaru took a moment to consider the route he would take on determining whether she was a good candidate or not.

"What do you know of the fundamentals of sealing?" Orochimaru finally asked.

"Nothing actually. Jiraiya-sama just dropped this on me and left. I need to be able to decode it if I want to learn more from him," she replied with a rather childish pout.

He left her without even telling her the basics? Orochimaru sighed. Jiraiya was a grade-A idiot. Even he needed the basics before he could begin studying how to decode a Fuinjutsu piece. A normal Genin without the Hokage as a connection would not be able to acquire the materials on her own to get it down. He would instruct the girl, if only because he wanted a way to test her worthiness to work with him. So he explained the basics rather abruptly, only for the girl to stumble towards a notepad to start scribbling down his instructions in hasty excitement.

"Thank you, Orochimaru-sama. I mean, I've tried getting more information but it's hard when everything's hidden away. This is going to set me ahead! I think I can understand the seal now."

She surprised him once more. She had managed to decode a seal from just barely being told the basics. She had a keen mind then. He let her continue her explanations of the seal and was surprised she managed to get it right. Definitely a candidate, he noted down.

"A keen mind indeed. How old are you?" he asked curiously. If she had a sensei, he could always plan their murder later and take her as his own.

"U-um six.”

Six? She looked around seven or eight judging by her height. So a young prodigy then. He wondered who her parents were. One of them had to have been from a prominent clan, even if her odd colouring could only be from an unimportant house.

"Which clan do you belong to?"

"I-I don't have a clan. My parents are civilians."

Parents. Plural. She came from a wholly civilian family. It was unheard of for civilian children to be prodigies. Even Minato had been a late bloomer because civilian children just didn’t have the means to be prodigies. Half of it was normal childish mentality and the other half was situational. There were reasons why half the prodigies came from the Uchiha and Hyuuga clans, because they pushed their children from a young age. Rarely did any child have the drive to push themselves on their own.

_Interesting._

"Impressive. I didn't come from a clan myself, but knowledge is given to those who search. You are willing and so a clan is not necessary."

Orochimaru didn’t come from a clan but he had ninja parents. They had died a long time ago, and their deaths had pushed him to be who he was today. In the scheme of things, beyond him, they were inconsequential. Death had a way of doing that to people, to erase all their efforts in one single sweep. It made a fire burn inside of him, one that couldn’t be quenched, not when he knew he was smart enough, _great_ enough, to overcome it. When he looked down, he saw a sliver of himself in Hina, only a tiny bit of course, but it was great praise coming from him. This child wasn’t _utterly_ useless, but she was just his first candidate. He needed to go out and find more before making any concrete decisions.

"Thank you, Orochimaru-sama. Now I just have to rub it into that troublesome man's face!"

Hmmm… maybe he liked her a tad bit more now. He would approve of anyone showing up his perverted teammate. He gave her a nod before taking his leave. He’d wasted enough time as is.

* * *

Shimura Danzo was a man Orochimaru loathed, and ROOT was a necessary thorn in his side. Without Danzo, Orochimaru would not be able to freely conduct his experiments, but by allying himself with the old warmonger, he’d signed away a part of his research in return. He had created the Foundation’s secrecy seal for the man after all.

“How are the failed members doing? Any you’d like to donate?” Orochimaru asked as he crossed his legs comfortably on the couch.

“Our success rates have been improving as of recently. You will need to search elsewhere,” Danzo said roughly.

“My, my, then why bring me here today?” Orochimaru asked.

“I had a member of ANBU killed last night. There was a slip up on your part and he found one of your _experiments._ ”

Orochimaru froze. No, he always ensured to keep a tight ship. No one passed his notice. He had several contingencies in place including exits, explosions, and a way to cart his research with him if need be. No experiment could have escaped. His lips thinned in irritation. No doubt this would be used by Danzo for another _favour_ from him.

“Impossible.”

“The bodies speak for themselves. I’ve assigned you to a 5-month mission to the front lines.”

“That’s a _long_ time,” Orochimaru said, grinding his teeth together in fury.

Danzo gave him a hard look, unperturbed by his killing intent. Orochimaru tched before folding his arms and leaning back. This man had a knack for digging into his skin.

“Reflect on your decisions in that time. I will need you out of the village while I sort out _your_ mess. In return I will be assigning all the new possible ROOT candidates to your team.”

“You want me to screen them for you?” Orochimaru asked, mouth pulling together tightly in irritation.

Had he just been demoted to a recruiter? Orochimaru didn’t stay for long after that, not when his nerves were on end and when he wanted so desperately to rip Danzo apart and make the man beg at his feet where he belonged. Soon, he reminded himself. Soon, when he was immortal and strong enough, he would overcome anyone and anything that thought itself strong enough to chain him down. Then they would rue the day they even tried.

* * *

When he turned up for his cursed mission, he spent a good amount of time looking over the candidates. All Jounin level, all people who Sarutobi wouldn’t mind letting Danzo join in on his little private army. His mentor had become weak in his old age. If Orochimaru was Hokage he would proceed with a public execution of anyone related to ROOT. To allow anyone, even someone you called a friend, to amass an army within your own village that wasn’t under your control, was absolutely ridiculous. His thoughts were cut when he noticed a familiar green head of hair walk towards the group.

Orochimaru was indeed surprised, and very angry. Out of all the candidates he had screened to be his assistant, the only one with any promise had been Suzuki Hina. Now Danzo had his sights on her, and after his slip up the man could ask for anything from him. Orochimaru decided he would not talk to the girl, not until he calmed down, and he did, by the end of the 3-week trip. His anger had always been a point he wanted to work on, since it seemed to rage silently for a long time.

He walked up to the girl and her mentor, an inconsequential Jounin who was just above average enough not to have died by now. He sat by the green haired Genin and watched with mild amusement as she became rather fidgety again.

“How odd, a Genin such as yourself among the Jounin. One would think a force was at play on this decision.”

She narrowed her eyes at him in suspicion. For a child who barely lived past half a decade, she did have a keen mind.

“Do you know who it is?” she asked.

He just tilted his head down, as if that were an answer on its own.

“Orochimaru-sama, you were Hokage-sama’s student. What do you think brought about this decision?” the Jounin Inuzuka asked

“It wasn’t Sarutobi-sama,” Hina cut in.

“And what makes you say that?” Orochimaru asked, a hint of danger entering his voice.

Just how much did the little girl know? She couldn’t have deduced a culprit, not with her limited understanding of Konoha politics. Keen mind aside, Orochimaru knew there was a big difference between knowledge and _intel._ There were certain things that only people in positions of power knew.

“Hokage-sama would not have any reason to send me here for 5 months. So far Konoha isn’t in as dire straits as Iwa. We have a steady supply of capable Jounin, and he strikes me as the kind of man who cares about children. The only other people with the power to assign important team missions is one of his 3 councilmen. I don’t know the motive, but that is what I assume is happening right now.”

Orochimaru had once again underestimated the girl. He looked at her in a new light. Those sea-green eyes _knew_ who it was, and what for, and he for once was frustrated. This girl would have made quite a fun new toy, someone he could keep around without wanting to pull out his hair. She was smart and mature for her age, and he would go so far as to dissuade Danzo from recruiting her, if only to keep her for himself. A word of warning was a given.

“Careful Hina-chan, your accusations are dangerous despite your deductions being quite astute,” Orochimaru replied with an unnerving grin.

“If I may Orochimaru-sama? How do you know of my student?” the Inuzuka asked, his tone a little harsher.

“Hina-chan didn’t tell you?” he asked, his voice basically purring at the realisation.

“It was at the week break we had,” she piped in, before the Sannin could take control of the route the conversation was going to go. “I had bumped into Jiraiya-sama at a hot-spring and he gave me a Fuinjutsu sealing scroll to decode. I was out at the training ground with my notes when Orochimaru-sama gave me some good pointers.”

Orochimaru chuckled as her sensei sent her a look of disapproval. If he had it his way, this man would die once Hina became his student. Then Orochimaru could continue what was important to him in peace without being hassled on all ends. It was the only win-win situation he could see considering all the other brats he had taken to looking for had come up desperately short of his standards.

“How far did you go with Fuinjutsu?” Orochimaru asked curiously, yellow eyes gleaming in interest.

“I didn’t—I uh—sensei and I were focusing on honing my Taijutsu and Ninjutsu first. I would love to learn Fuinjutsu but there’s hardly any time to,” she said quickly.

“There’s always time to learn. Well then, it seems like it’s my shift.”

With that Orochimaru left. He would be remiss to not teach Hina a few lessons during this trip. He would also need to get an understanding of her character. His work required a modicum of indifference and even he knew it. What he did could be considered evil and inhumane, and he wanted to know if this girl had it in her. He would have to test it of course.

Orochimaru found the time for his first test when the sensei and his student came back from their scouting mission.

“Report.”

The Inuzuka began a succinct mission report. As far as his clan members went, he was one of the more articulate ones.

“There was one Kumo-nin we had to dispose of,” he said.

“Where’s his body?” Orochimaru asked, smiling a cruel smile.

“I left him under brush not too far from here,” Hina spoke up.

“Take me to him.”

“Hai.”

The girl, much to his distaste, sent her sensei a look for approval before he nodded and gestured for her to leave. Orochimaru walked on ahead in distaste. Somehow, he had managed to get it in his head that Hina was his property now, and although he knew it would be illogical to act as such without that actually being the case, he couldn’t help it. He was incredibly possessive of his things after all. He was interrupted from his thoughts when she scrambled ahead of him and led the way to the body. Orochimaru pulled it out from the bush. It was time for lesson one.

“Ah… can I ask what exactly you plan to do with the body?” she asked curiously.

“You’ll see.”

Orochimaru summoned a snake and it slithered down from his wrist and latched onto the corpses neck. The veins bulged with poison before receding into the rest of his body. Then Orochimaru went through a few hand seals and a chakra scalpel appeared in his hands. He began cutting into the boy’s neck to the top back of his head. He pulled the skull of expertly revealing the brain inside. A rather small snake slithered out of his mouth, down his arm and into the opening.

“Are you going to control him via his frontal cortex?” she asked hypothesising.

Ah, there it was, her surprising knowledge. Orochimaru smiled pleased with his choice. Yes, she did have more than a keen mind, she had somehow managed to find a way to get her hands-on knowledge no Genin should have. That was something he couldn’t help but admire in anyone.

“Yes and more. The snake that bit him has a poison that reacts with air and turns into acid.”

“He doesn’t have any oxygen in his blood, until it spills out,” she said in confusion.

Orochimaru tilted his head at that, his eyes appraising her further. He did enjoy how she switched from a curious mind to a wary child under his predatorial gaze.

“Yes, it will oxidise when it comes in contact with air. Until then my summon will be controlling him from the inside.”

She watched in shock as the boy stood up, his arms sagging to his sides like a rag doll, his eyes unfocused despite looking around. Like a marionet he sagged forward before standing up straight. Orochimaru enjoyed the look on her face. It wasn’t one of disgust but of awe and curiosity. Yes, she did have part of what it took to be his assistant.

“You must have a plan involving him then?” she asked.

Her face was now one of pure excitement and Orochimaru hadn’t had someone look at him with _those_ eyes before. He almost wondered if they were reflecting his own, full of scientific curiosity, and a thirst for knowledge and power. He couldn’t help the smile that pulled at his face, reciprocating her feelings.

“A Shinobi refrains from initiating combat if they can. You will do well to learn this lesson. We will be taking this camp without raising a finger.”

The twinkle in her eye makes him believe that—yes—she had passed his first lesson.

* * *

The second lesson had been interesting. He watched as the girl killed the tortured boy without an ounce of hesitance, ending his pain. He didn’t know what to think of it. It seemed she had her own convictions and moral code, which was unusual in a child her age. This was their developmental stage, and as such she should be at the age where she questioned her decisions, what was right and what was wrong, but when he looked into her eyes, they seemed _older._ It was almost like this little six-year-old child had more than just a keen mind for her age. She had _experience_ in her stance that made little sense. Maybe children these days simply matured quicker? Orochimaru didn’t quite understand, and he recalled at her age being just as smart as her, but not as sure when it came to the ways of the world. He was still finding himself then, like all children did. How did someone just skip that stage entirely?

“Ugh, kid you’re too soft,” Suki growled

“And you’re being petty,” she huffed at the lady.

“They’re Kumo-nin, they ain’t even worth shit!”

With that Suki stormed off. Hina let out an exasperated huff. Orochimaru watched the interaction with amusement. Suki, despite being a good candidate for ROOT on paper, was actually ill suited to the role simply because of her overabundance of emotions.

“Her hatred for the enemy is rather blinding.”

“It was cruel,” Hina said frowning. “It’s one thing to torture for information, it’s something else to let someone suffer for no reason at all.”

“There was a reason,” Orochimaru stated amiably.

“There was?” she asked in surprise.

“Well she hated him.”

The look the girl sent him was rather amusing. She looked like a goldfish, gaping with her mouth open like that… well a rather green goldfish.

“You don’t agree with her actions?” Orochimaru asked amused. “How quaint.”

“I’m not going to stop her. It’s not my place to do so, but I don’t have to stand back, and watch people suffer without cause,” she replied evenly, as if she was justifying her decision.

Ah, that explained some of her thought process. Orochimaru could work with that. He could see it behind those cold calculative words of hers. Hina didn’t care. She helped that boy simply because it had been pounded into her that it was the right thing to do. The girl didn’t do it out of a feeling of innate sympathy, like many children her age would act on, she did it because of cold logical reasoning. Orochimaru wondered what idiot had taught her about useless ethics. Things as arbitrary as morality were useless for people like him and her. It was a chain that prevented them from progressing. He had shed it like old skin when he was a teenager, that weakness that was a need to conform to others’ standards of good and bad.

“I thought this would be a good learning experience. It seems it was,” he stated.

It was for him. When she became his student, he would make sure to pound that illogical way of thinking out of her head. She was putting on an act to be good when she so clearly wasn’t. For the first time in his life Orochimaru had found someone with the same eyes as him. Maybe taking on a student wouldn’t be so bad.

* * *

Orochimaru had started his human testing on the cursed heavenly seal. It was a way for him to live on through another body. His essence, his chakra was a driving force in this study, a way for him to continue on. Not to mention he would finally be able to master the sage arts that he was so unfairly denied. He had once again become immersed in his research, and thoughts of finding a student were put to the side. Sarutobi could bug him for a little while longer. He had already found the perfect candidate after all, and he was a patient man if nothing.

He would have continued in perfect scientific immersion if it weren’t for Jiraiya dragging him to a wedding of all things. He brought a Jutsu scroll with him as a gift, having completely forgotten that Nara Shikaku was marrying in the first place. He would have left as soon as he came had he not spotted a familiar mop of green hair once again. She was teasing the Nara clan head about losing his virginity of all things. Just how many connections did this girl have? He wasn’t so sure Danzo could get his hands on her considering children weren’t allowed to join ROOT as per the Hokage’s demands, and she was nowhere near the level of incognito that was required when whisking away a child without suspicion. Orochimaru was rather pleased by the thought. Even if Danzo wanted her, the man wouldn’t be able to lay a finger on her. Orochimaru on the other hand, could easily orchestrate an accident which would get rid of her sensei, and then Sarutobi would finally be out of his hair in regard to a student. No one would turn down a Sannin’s offer of tutelage.

Eventually his future assistant went to stand by a tree awkwardly, hobbling over in her crutches. He did recall she had defeated a Jounin and sustained quite the injuries. Of course she had potential in the field as well. He decided to startle her again. Her expressions of fear were quite amusing, and this wedding had turned out to be a bore.

“Jiraiya is teaching you again?”

She jumped, nearly dropping her plate of food. She turned her attention to him with wide eyes before letting out a rather rough breath and getting her balance again. Somehow, scaring this child and making her flustered had become an amusing game.

“Orochimaru-sama,” she said, a wary glint in her eyes.

“It’s a pity our mission got cut short Hina-chan. There was more to teach you,” he said shaking his head.

“You don’t like weddings much do you?” she asked instead munching on sushi and trying not to look alarmed. She was doing a poor job of it too. How cute.

“These little festivities help boost morale during war,” he said vaguely, before slitted amber eyes trailed down to her neck. He wondered if she would survive a cursed seal of his. Was her body as worthy as her mind?

“Y-Yoshino-san is feisty,” she pointed out, rubbing her neck, and looking away consciously. So she had noticed then? 

Orochimaru ignored the poor attempt to change the subject. “Jiraiya is not a good teacher. If you have any questions you can come find me. I’m usually at my lab in the Soraya district.”

Her look of alarm and shock was rather fun. The wide range of emotions he could elicit from this child was unendingly enjoyable, and he knew he’d found a good toy to play with. He hoped he wouldn’t be bored soon.

“T-thank you Orochimaru-sama, but I have vowed to get strong on my own merits.”

Orochimaru’s smile faded. Why would she refuse his help? Strong on her own merits? What a silly idea. All children were useless until they weren’t, and they only got to a stage of being mildly useful by listening and learning from their betters.

“Surely accepting help from me is not so different than accepting help from Jiraiya, or any different to your current Jounin sensei,” he reasoned.

Hina’s face scrunched up in frantic thought. Her visual cues were terrible for a ninja. Orochimaru could practically read her coming up with excuses and he wondered why she had to. A child like her should be jumping at the opportunity to work with him.

“Not to be rude Orochimaru-sama. I’m just rather stubborn when it comes to teachers. My sensei makes training plans for me, but I learnt the taijutsu forms on my own, as well as all my jutsu. I want to make my power my own. It’s a personal nindo of mine, so if I were to come to you for help, I’d like to keep it that way please.”

Orochimaru didn’t quite understand her perspective. It seemed she valued independence to an unhealthy level. He could understand the sentiment of owning one’s own power for themselves, but at her level she shouldn’t be so choosy. He certainly wasn’t beyond bending over to Sarutobi in his early Genin days. Power was power, but maybe Hina was simply prideful in a different way. A far less _practical_ way, he reasoned.

“That is certainly an admirable nindo but do take to heart that sometimes life’s gifts are gained through alternate means.”

“I will keep that in mind.”

Orochimaru wondered if someone had told her to keep away from him. There was no other reason for her to be dismissive of him like this. It made him rather furious. No one said no to him, certainly not a brat. When it came down to it, he was ready to teach her, her place. It would be under him and she would learn to thank him for it. He hadn’t just found a new amusing toy, and a way out of being chained to a bunch of snot nosed brats, for her to _refuse_ him. Once again seeing her had made him angry. Orochimaru really did need to work on this irritating temper of his.


	27. Chapter 27

* * *

Orochimaru Part 2/2

* * *

Orochimaru fucking _hated_ Danzo. Hated him with such a passion, and yet found himself unable to truly kill the man. It was frustrating on many levels. He needed the Foundation, he needed ROOT. They were tools to him, as much as he was to them. Without Danzo, Orochimaru would not get the funding or easy access for the experiments he freely conducted. It required a little bending over backwards, but the price was easily worth the humiliation. This was going too far, however.

“You sealed her,” he spat, voice taking a deeper baritone than normal.

“She is a prodigy unlike most prodigies. A child with a mind of an adult and a will to achieve. She is _Konoha’s_ future asset, not yours,” Danzo said dismissively.

“I had screened her as a candidate to be my assistant,” Orochimaru said, narrowing his eyes.

“Then you should have laid claim earlier,” Danzo replied, infuriatingly dismissively, “I will need you to pose as her mentor while she gets trained by _my_ agents.”

The nerve of this man. To not only take away what was his, but to make him pretend like he actually owned her. Orochimaru vowed to one day gut this cockroach alive. For now he managed to keep the frown off his face, deciding to play it cool as he smirked.

“Consider my debt paid after this Danzo-san,” he said quickly standing to leave.

Orochimaru was disappointed. He had high hopes for Hina. He had met a boy named Kabuto who he also saw potential in. Now suddenly he was refused them both. Hina had been claimed by ROOT and Kabuto had been sent to Iwa as a spy. He would get this slimy task done as soon as possible and resume his research.

It was easy enough to track down the girl. He watched as she backed away from her sensei, pulling her collar back up and hiding the bruises. Orochimaru was pissed. She was his, and no one hurt his things without getting fucked. The idea of Danzo meddling in his affairs was enough to make his blood boil. He took in a deep breath, calming himself down before masking his sudden appearance, his fury turned into a dark grin. He put a hand on the girl’s head before grinning.

“It seems I may have been too harsh when I trained Hina-chan last night,” he said, giving them a rather unnerving smile.

Hina froze under his grip and turned around with wide frightened eyes. Ah yes, the early signs of childhood abuse. She was too obvious with her sudden fear of being hit. If it were him, he would have employed much more effective methods to quell the girl’s fighting spirit. Beating children up to a pulp seemed a rather antiquated way to induce submission and fear.

“Hina, come here.”

Orochimaru gripped the girl’s shoulder harder in warning. She was meant to be _his_ , and yet she was instinctually obeying this sub-par Inuzuka? Then she got herself caught and branded by Danzo of all people. Orochimaru wasn’t sure who he was angry at, Hina, Danzo, the Inuzuka or because everyone was acting so outside of his predictions. He just knew that he was angry. Orochimaru levelled the glaring man with a smile. He had issued an unspoken challenge in that moment.

“No need to get so mad Inuzuka-san. It was just some extra training. I’m sure a little prodigy like her could use some extra help.”

“Those wounds don’t look like _extra help_ , it looks like healed broken bones,” the Inuzuka replied, his eyes narrowing further.

“I-It’s ok! I asked Orochimaru-sama for help, and he said I could get stronger this way!” Hina butted in quickly, and I turned to her with a pleased smile.

“Don’t talk right now Hina. I’ll have a word with you later.”

Watching the girl back down, looking like an admonished child made Orochimaru’s hackles raise. It was him she should be afraid of. Then almost as if she suddenly flipped a switch her posture straightened, and her head shot up in determination. One moment she would act like a child and the next like an adult. It was a both amusing and baffling sight.

“No,” she said rather adamantly. “I will not stand for mediocrity. You’ve done a lot for me Sensei, but Orochimaru-sama can do more. It’s not about your pride, it’s about power.”

What a thrilling show. Watching the Inuzuka man avert his eyes in clear emotional pain was a rather amusing sight. Orochimaru looked at the reflected distress in Hina’s eyes and knew she was only putting on an act. Those words of renouncing her sensei to come to him was just an _act._ He wanted to hear those words properly.

“Do whatever you want.”

Then the Inuzuka man left, his dog whining as it turned to look back once more. It too left the girl. Orochimaru gripped her shoulder harder and leant down to her ear.

“That was quite a little show you put on there, but I don’t believe you. Follow me and act natural.”

The fear in her eyes were intoxicating, but she giggled like she had been told a rather funny joke. The passer-by’s seemed to decide it was ok, that Orochimaru had just told a kid a joke, and they walked on by none the wiser. Orochimaru felt the anger bubble louder in his chest, but he tightened it and kept a lid on it until they reached the mountain near his bridge.

“You’ve caused me quite the bit of trouble. A little girl like you, as smart as you are, is of no use to me, so why is it that I have to cover for you?”

His voice became dark by the end and Orochimaru grabbed the girl by her neck and hoisted her up. She began clawing futilely at his arms without an ounce of strength worth mentioning. Orochimaru released his killing intent and looked her dead in the eye. What a waste. She could have been of use but looking at her now all frightened and pathetic made him reconsider his earlier assumptions. Danzo would break her then she would be neither fun nor effective as an assistant.

“It’s a misfortune you possess no bloodline worth mentioning, or you could have been of use.”

With that he let her drop to the ground in a heap, coughing and gasping for air. Orochimaru turned to leave when she screamed at him.

“Revolting!” she spat at the ground in front of him, gritting her teeth. “You and Danzo both!”

Orochimaru’s irritated expression grew even more unnerving when it turned into a smile. He watched her shiver before walking slowly up to her, spinning a kunai in his finger. How dare she put him and Danzo together in the same sentence? The rage he felt then had boiled over.

“I was wrong about you being smart. Clearly you don’t value your life. Well then, shall we begin our first lesson?”

Orochimaru grabbed a clump of the girl’s green hair and hoisted her up. He used his free hand to perform a Genjutsu he was meaning to try out. Almost instantly Hina’s green eyes widened in pain and then she gritted her teeth together as her body spasmed. Orochimaru watched as the tiny child in his arm let out a gasp and then a moan before she couldn’t hold the pain in any longer and began to scream and claw at him. No doubt she felt like she was burning alive. This was true fear, the kind of fear unlike the sub-par beatings she received under the Foundations care. She would see what it felt like to be truly powerless, and if she broke from it, he knew she would truly be worthless. After all the ones who overcame their weaknesses were the ones who won, and only the strong deserved to inherit this world.

“That’s just a taste of a genjutsu I created myself,” Orochimaru chuckled, his fingers running mockingly sweetly through her hair. “It’s such a pity a little prodigy like you couldn’t dispel it. Why don’t we try again?”

She made to move away but he began again.

* * *

Orochimaru had declined the next batch of Genin Sarutobi had presented him with. Now that he didn’t care for Hina joining him, a broken husk as she was definitely going to be, he needed someone _better_. It was a shame, the girl was going to do well, but a child alone in the situation she was in, no matter how mature, was still a child. She would break, and Orochimaru had no use for broken things. She had no blood limit, no clan jutsu worth mentioning. Her redeeming qualities had been her keen mind and her work ethic, and Danzo, the fool he was, had decided to waste it by breaking her. Hina would have done better under his care than she ever would an emotionless husk of a person in ROOT. But it had been weeks since he had heard from her and he was beginning to lose his interest once again in finding a student.

Unfortunately, as most things that happened with concerning the girl, he was once again pulled back into her presence unexpectedly. Danzo had come to him this time and it gave him an unparalleled satisfaction to hear the man confess to having made a mistake in recruiting her.

“She’s far too spirited and independent, but I have already put my cursed seal on her tongue, so she is as much an asset as she is a liability. I heard you were looking into her as a potential student.”

“What are you proposing?” Orochimaru asked, crossing his legs.

“I put Hina in your care. I will monitor her of course, but I expect that her talents would be best nurtured under you.”

“Ah, finally seeing things straight Shimura-san,” Orochimaru practically purred.

The old war monger narrowed his eyes and Orochimaru just smiled further in response. The satisfaction of one upping this arrogant bastard fulfilled him in more ways than one. Orochimaru grinned and decided to take his victory while the man was still giving it.

“Of course, this doesn’t change the fact that I have no time to train a student. I’ll lend her my library and my research, and she will learn what I see fit, but you can have her for combat training.”

Danzo frowned and Orochimaru felt over the moon. He was glad this man could be of use finally. Orochimaru had neither the will nor the time to bother physically training a brat. Hina was determined to grow on her own merit anyway, and Orochimaru now wholly believed the girl could. She had surprised him, come out of a torture session by his hands without breaking. She was incredibly remarkable for a six-year-old, and definitely independent enough to not get in the way of his more important priorities. In short, Hina was the absolute perfect Genin student Orochimaru could wish for.

“Well if that will be all—"

“One more thing,” Danzo said catching his attention.

Orochimaru turned to the councilman and crossed his arms impatiently. This meeting had dragged on longer than usual. What else needed to be said?

“During her outburst, the ROOT agent in the room with her reported something strange. They noted that she moved as quickly as a Jounin, maybe faster than the average Jounin.”

That made him pause in step. He knew the girl was prodigious, but for a _six-year-old_ to move as fast, if not faster than a Jounin was unheard of. Hina sure did like surprising him. As if to surprise him further, Danzo continued.

“It wasn’t an accident. There was a deliberate pause on her part before he focused in on my agent and spiked her chakra. They say her eyes were glowing, and her skin had turned a reddish hue.”

“She opened the third gate?” Orochimaru asked in surprise. That was unheard of. It took Taijutsu masters to accomplish that feat, and even then, it was with decades of practice. For a child to skip straight to the third gate… just how much potential did this child have?

“She didn’t open the gates. In fact her tenketsu in those parts are still shut, and there are none of the side affects showing from having opened them. The method in which she managed this is unknown.”

 _I expect you to find out,_ was left unspoken but very heavily insinuated. Orochimaru couldn’t help the smile that tugged at his face. He was wrong about her. She wasn’t just the best candidate out of all the useless trash Genin he had to wade through, but she had managed to exceed expectations. He wanted nothing more than to study this girl, to open up her body and see what made her tick, and yet he couldn’t imagine cutting into her. Hina didn’t have a kekkai genkai, and she certainly didn’t have a unique physiological make-up. Orochimaru had checked her medical records. Asides from the abundance of Yin energy in her early childhood, she was as normal as any other civilian. It seemed she had something more than the perfect body. His new student had something else, and he wanted to know what exactly it was.

* * *

Hina was sleeping on his lab couch, and for the life of him Orochimaru couldn’t picture the girl the same way in this state. She looked like an entirely different creature in her sleep, all small and vulnerable, and soft. She was certainly not that when she was awake. He left her for a bit before coming back to see her up and aware.

“You’re a difficult girl,” Orochimaru said, taking pleasure in frightening her with his sudden presence. It never stopped being amusing. “You’re so difficult in fact, that even Danzo thinks you’re too much of a wild card to tame.”

Orochimaru was pleased to see the same satisfaction he felt in her eyes. Her lips pulled up in a vindictive grin before she turned contemplative and looked him in the eye.

“Why work with _him_?” she asked, the disgust coming through.

He could safely say they both hated Danzo the same amount. If he had it his way, Danzo would be dead, but Orochimaru was a pragmatic person and he knew when to play his cards. For now Danzo had what he needed, but soon he would have a base elsewhere and then the cards would change.

“Why, well he helps me further my own goals. Why not use him to further yours? Become stronger with their training and when the time is right strike. Why did you fight it?” he asked back.

She looked unsure for a second before finally answering with final verdict. “I don’t like to be used, not when someone threatens the people that I care about.”

“There’s more to it than that,” he pressed.

Her amiable expression turned into a rather ferocious snarl. On her little barely pre-teen face, it was actually rather adorable.

“He pisses me off.”

Orochimaru laughed at that. “And you were calling Suki out on her hatred of Kumo.”

“Why are you talking to me? What is it that _I_ have that you want?” she asked, looking like she was trying desperately to not be scared. Orochimaru enjoyed that look. She knew not to piss him off. That little genjutsu torture session from before was him being nice. She shot up like a prey should before a predator and it made Orochimaru inch closer as he smirked. He knelt down in front of her and held up her chin, so she was looking directly into his eyes. Yes, she was different. She didn’t flinch or look away despite being oh so terrified. This was a girl who broke her own physical limits in one bound, the girl who he would study.

“You don’t know it, but you managed a feat many have during a pivotal moment in battle. You overcame your own limits in one bound.”

She blinked in confusion before some level of recognition took her expression.

“If everyone can do it, why does that make me doing it, any more special than them?”

Orochimaru’s expression became even more hungrier if that was anything to go by. His thin lips curved upwards into a smile; his sharp intelligent yellow eyes narrowed onto the child with an intensity that had not been there before.

“Because you weren’t pushed to your limits when you managed this. Your chakra wasn’t exhausted. The ROOT agent I talked to told me your eyes focused and your chakra spiked in a _controlled_ manner. For a moment you spiked from a medium Genin chakra reserve to a low Jounin level. Now tell me _Hina-chan_ ; how exactly did you manage this?”

* * *

After a rather standard, yet not thorough enough, explanation on Hina’s part, Orochimaru was mildly satiated. He could only imagine what kind of chakra levels a _Sannin_ like him could achieve if he mastered this _Total Concentration Breathing_ of Hina’s. When the girl asked him to be her sensei, well Orochimaru was rather pleased, although he wouldn’t admit it out loud. He would have forced her to be his student one way or another now that he was allowed to use her.

Then he gave her, her first test. There was no use taking her through one of his more depraved human experiments as her first test. The point wasn’t to see _how_ much she could stomach, just if she could stomach it at all. A child at her age would grow to become accustomed to such things over periods of exposure.

Hina, as she was now, was not perfect. She did not strive to beat impossible odds; she just worked her hardest to be strong enough to protect her simple desires. For all her talent, she wasted it on a lack of a worthy dream. Orochimaru remembered being like that. Soon she would change, and this propensity for her to attach herself emotionally to the people she cared about would ensure she wouldn’t betray him. Danzo could take care of her family and Sensei, be the villain in her eyes, as long as he was there to pick up the pieces after.

He wasn’t surprised to see her stay through the whole procedure, but he was surprised that she kept a level head through it all, and even calmly and succinctly talked in a professional voice, like she was used to instructing patients through painful experiments. The experiment went further than any he had managed before. She was definitely worth keeping around as an assistant. The experiment failed and he knew she puked, but he didn’t care because she did it _after_ the procedure… and well, _he_ didn’t have to clean it up.

* * *

The weeks that went by with Hina as his assistant were productive. With the girl around, he could shirk of more menial tasks that he sometimes forgot to do, like cleaning out the experiments body parts after a procedure, sharpening his knives, feeding his captives, and organising his notes. Hina was a diligent worker and for some reason never complained. Orochimaru had expected whinging and whining, but beyond the disgusted expressions she wore when doing her less than savoury jobs, she did not utter a word of grievance.

He had been rather calm all things considered, until her Inuzuka sensei bounded up to him and demanded he hand him a schedule and cut down her working hours with him so she could rest properly. Orochimaru almost wished he was in a position to dispose of the irritating mutt himself, but Hina was stupidly protective of him, and so he would have to leave it to Danzo to give the kill order. That didn’t stop him from taking the girl up back before putting her in another Genjutsu. She would learn not to speak of him and their training, and if it meant he had to make her cry out in pain, then so be it.

Beyond that one mishap, and Hina trying desperately to not flinch every time Orochimaru purposefully put a hand on her head, their relationship had been quite good if he could say so. He was still very much interested in her technique. The experiments regarding the total concentration breathing were slow going. Orochimaru wondered if he’d have to simulate any external factors to get Hina to spike her chakra again. He would have to if it failed again today. As it went, her results weren’t good enough right now. He checked her readings and sighed. It spiked again. Maybe this time there would be some progress.

“Your heart rate spiked. Do it again,” Orochimaru commented.

She inhaled again and there was another minor spike. Orochimaru was beginning to wonder if the girl was wasting his time on purpose. He was rather impatient when he came to his experiments. When he demanded results, he meant it.

“That was pathetic. Do you want another punishment, or are you going to do better?” Orochimaru asked impatiently.

Hina was terrified of his genjutsu punishments. Orochimaru was glad she had some sense in her to fear him. His punishments were made to inflict as much pain mentally as they were physically, and yet she was oddly resistant to it. She flinched at his touches now, but beyond that she maintained such a level head, that Orochimaru almost wanted to see how far he could push the pain before it became too much. He decided against it. He saw the fire in her eyes, the determination and grit to improve, and he thought it would be quite a shame if he snubbed it out before she lost her use.

“I’ll do better,” she bit out narrowing her eyes at the ground.

“Again!”

Ah there it was, that expression of absolute resolve. It looked rather out of place on someone as young as six, but Hina wasn’t just an ordinary child. He watched as her eyes focused, her expression cleared, and her body stilled before she took in a deep breath. He could almost envision her chest expanding from the sheer amount of oxygen she was taking in. There it was, that total concentration breathing of hers… or at least a low-level version. Her readings spiked and Orochimaru grinned. Finally, data that could be useful.

“It’s happening. Keep it in play for as long as you can,” Orochimaru demanded.

He knew it was dangerous, but he didn’t want to wait any longer. He knew she would stop before she killed herself, and whatever damage she would do, he could heal. He may not be Tsunade, but he had adequate knowledge of the healing arts.

He watched as her chest seized and her heart rate spiked to dangerous levels, but she didn’t stop, not even when her clear expression turned pained and she doubled over in pain. She kept breathing again and again.

“No, no that wasn’t it,” Orochimaru mumbled in worry, as he leant over and pushed the half-naked child onto her back.

He performed a diagnostic jutsu over the wheezing child. What was she thinking? Had she been so focused on breathing, on circulating her chakra to her absolute limits, that she had forgotten to stop even during the pain? Truly remarkable. Orochimaru wondered if it was worth getting into a state of that much focus, that one would forget their own limits. Clearly, he had been wrong in thinking she could control it.

“Your heart rate is too fast. You might go into cardiac arrest. We’ll take a break for now.”

Her hands shot up and held onto his, and Orochimaru turned to look at the girl who was gritting her teeth in pain. Her green eyes looked defiant, and it made him want to punish her some more.

“No,” she said resolutely.

“No?”

She had guts. He thought he had made it clear who had the upper hand in their relationship when he left her gasping on the ground, sweat pouring down her body as she screamed herself hoarse. A child should not have been standing up to him after the torture they had been through. Just how resilient was she?

“No, I can continue. My heart rate is up right now, it’s the perfect time to get it down.”

Orochimaru sighed. Well, if she did get a heart attack, he knew several methods of revival, but she’d wake up with broken ribs and it wouldn’t be so fun for her. If she failed, he considered the pain would be lesson enough to listen to him. If she passed… well it was a win/win situation either way.

“Try not to die. I will want a report after this.”

Orochimaru backed off and she shakily went back to her sitting position. He watched as she closed her eyes and controlled her shaky breathing. That’s when it happened, almost like her readings had flipped a switch. Her rate spiked, but her vitals were all dropping back to normal. Her skin turned a deeper shade of red and Orochimaru could see the start of a layer of light green chakra rippling across her skin. Then her heart rate slowly began dropping to normal levels, and her skin receded to its light peachy colour, but the chakra remained, swirling about her like a second skin.

_Total concentration breathing_

This was it. This was a complete total concentration breathing. It only happened for a few seconds, before she flinched slightly, and the chakra dissipated almost as quickly. Orochimaru was stumped. No one should have that much control. It was like she could mould her chakra wherever she wanted, with an intense control that he was sure even Tsunade didn’t possess. It was impossible. The human mind was not capable of being that in-tune with its own body. Orochimaru wondered if maybe he was wrong, maybe if Hina did in fact possess a unique physiology.

“Interesting, it’s like you’re simulating the effects of opening a gate without even touching it. How is it possible to be this in tune with your chakra? A kekkai genkai maybe?” Orochimaru muttered, wide eyed.

Hina coughed and wiped the blood from her chin, but the grin on her face said everything about how she felt. Yes, that was the attitude that had drawn him to her when they first met. She had reflected his eyes from hers, the same eyes that was hungry for _more._

“N-not a kekkai genkai,” she managed to say through a shaky breath. “A new technique.”

Orochimaru never thought he would ever smile at any Genin student he would take on, well not genuinely at least. This child had managed to pull his lips up in a true grin, and his chest tightened with an emotion he only felt when he had accomplished a truly challenging task. Yes, this was _excitement._ Suzuki Hina had managed to make _the_ Orochimaru smile, and when she smiled back at him, Orochimaru for a split second, did not see an expendable piece, but rather a partner. He pulled this unusual feeling back down before looking at the child. She had done exceptionally well, so it was only right that he for once rewarded her.

“We will continue this again tomorrow. For now follow me if you can stand,” he said, voice still as patronising as ever.

“I can stand,” she said stubbornly.

Orochimaru didn’t wait for the girl to put her shirt back on. If she could stand, and have the energy to be stubborn, then she had the energy to get changed and follow him. He walked down the corridor and past the cages full of moaning bodies and opened the door to his private library. He never let anyone in here before, and he had only been meaning to allow her into his estate library before.

“This is my personal library. Do enjoy yourself.”

The child was rather expressive, which was about the only thing about her that was childish in any way. Her green eyes were practically sparkling in awe as her head whipped around at the sight in front of her in a frenzy. Orochimaru didn’t understand the girl sometimes. For someone so intent on training her Taijutsu, she had entirely neglected the more prodigious aspect of her talents, and yet when it came to it, she was more excited about research than she was about training. He had no doubt that if he gave Hina the tools, and the resources, she would make a scientist worth keeping in his care. If she was this smart at 6, he wondered what she’d be like as an adult.

“Amazing,” she said breathlessly.

Orochimaru couldn’t help but chuckle at her awestruck expression.

“If you’re going to take something out, make sure to take it by me first. It goes to say you are not allowed to show it to anyone else,” he informed mildly.

“Orochimaru-sama,” she said, bringing his attention back to her. A hard look entered her eyes, and her lips pulled into a thin, serious line. “I will not fail.”

There was something about her conviction, that reminded him of his own. He found himself unable to pull back his lips as they tugged upwards. Before she had been amusing, her fear and terror being one great source of entertainment for the man, but her conviction was interesting too. It pulled up another more ambiguous emotion from inside of the Sannin, and he wondered if it was because they were in fact kindred spirits. He wondered if he was going soft. No, that wasn’t the case. She was simply one of the few humans he had met that wasn’t entirely worthless, and so it was natural to not feel as disgusted by her presence as he did with most others.

He only gave her a nod of approval before taking his leave. As much as he enjoyed his time spent with his smart little kohai, he had important matters to take care of. For now he’d leave her to her self-study.


	28. Chapter 28

Maybe it was the constant rush of life, but months came and went with nothing of note happening. The notion that my world would almost instantly fall apart didn’t happen. That I would find my family killed, my sensei sent out on a suicide mission, and my humanity ripped from me. I thought maybe I’d be unable to sleep ever again without another nightmare, that when I looked in the mirror all I’d see was blood, and that I’d begin scrubbing my hands until it was raw like I had on that night when I first woke up from my nightmare. But there was nothing. No death, no suicide mission, no feeling of intense guilt and no nightmares. I didn’t even feel numb, I just felt normal, and the world went on with the whisper of a promise of death to come.

It was still jarring, being taken to ROOT to train with a tanto and learn more specialised assassination skills. It was still jarring to see a man cut open and writhing on a table, to watch as Orochimaru twisted a person’s body to their absolute limit while they died in agony. It was definitely jarring to go and train with Sensei and eat lunch with Nami after I had done those things. It was like I was ripped from one extreme to another, and yet I didn’t know how to feel. One moment there was an intense almost blinding self-hate and then the next… _nothing_. No emotion, no feeling other than an out of place normalness that shouldn’t have even been there.

Despite how terrible the things I had done had been, it had helped me progress to an incredible level. I had resources now that I didn’t have before. I could control my total concentration breathing for about 10 seconds now. I could use a tanto and name several assassination methods that no other Genin could. I had information, scrolls full of notes that I was denied before meeting Orochimaru. I had progressed so far in all these things, and yet a part of me screamed that it didn’t come without a price. Why had ROOT stopped trying to brainwash me? Were they brainwashing me without me even realising? Why was Orochimaru putting up with a joint Sensei relationship just to keep me?

Why… just why were things so _peaceful_?

These thoughts plagued me as I rushed into another spar in the Foundation’s underground network. I traded another blow with Kusari as he jumped away. He was a better swordsman than I was. I preferred the strikes I could land with my body, although I did admit that a sword could do more damage than a punch with less chakra. I didn’t mind learning how to wield a tanto. I still wanted to be a Taijutsu and Ninjutsu specialist, but I was fine learning a bit of Kenjutsu. There was nothing wrong with branching out, but it annoyed me that I had to do it so early in my career. It would have been better to master one thing then move to the next, rather than split my attention on multiple things at once.

_Tic Toc_

It felt like time was running out. Kusari had changed in just the two months I knew him. He had broken, and only a glimmer of what had been his kind blue eyes were left. I had told myself I would protect this boy, and yet I was the one who was allowed to go back to my family, who was saved from the beatings, while he took my place. We were both branded, and yet we lived entirely different lives. I wanted to protect him, but I didn’t know how.

“Again!”

We had a new instructor. I didn’t care to remember their name, not like I had with Hakanai. I didn’t need to remember the name of someone I would eventually drive a sword through given the chance. We continued our dangerous sparring. Kusari didn’t hold back, not even with a real tanto. He slashed me through my abdomen before the sparring was called to a close. I grabbed the wound and hissed. Stupid ROOT uniforms… why did they have to be mid-rift. Who in their right mind would wear what was essentially a crop-top into battle?

“Utsoru, you’re cleared to leave,” a medic nin said as she tied up my wound.

“Already?”

“You are cleared to leave,” she repeated, a no-nonsense tone taking her voice tightly.

I turned my attention to Kusari and frowned. They’ve been limiting our time alone together recently. I wanted to be with him for a bit, to sneak in another romance novel that he was beginning to enjoy reading. Every day I was separated from him, the light in his eyes died a little, leaving what looked like a hollowed-out person I couldn’t even recognise.

The breath left my lungs when a hand went straight towards my face. I reflexively shut my eyes, my body freezing as I expected another blow… nothing came. I looked up to see the palm hovering in front of me, engulfing my vision. A shiver racked through my body and I backed away.

“You are cleared to leave.”

That was a final warning. I gripped my shaking hands and turned away with a grimace. Why—why was I so afraid? It was just some pain… I was meant to get used to it, so why did I jerk away in fear? I felt sick when I was too frightened to turn and look one last time at Kusari, and when the door closed behind me, I felt a pitiful sense of relief. I walked shakily over to the locker room and changed my clothes before slamming the locker in an irrational bout of emotion.

“Dammit,” I shouted, before shutting my eyes tightly.

Was my voice as weak as I felt? I didn’t know, just that I was terrified of this feeling. I could feel the heat tingle at my skin, the palm strike my face, the hand grip my hair and jerk me around. It wasn’t the giddy feeling I felt when I remembered the exciting thrill of battle, it was something uglier and suffocating. It ripped the air from my lungs, made my head dizzy, and my skin prickle with phantom pains. It was like I was back in the moment of weaknesses, back to being beaten bloody until I couldn’t move, back to grovelling and screaming and begging in pain as I was put into another genjutsu that burnt me from the inside out. Back to being helpless.

What was wrong with me?

* * *

I walked home tiredly, with none of the usual enthusiasm that came with knowing I had another session with Gaku-sensei after. I pulled at the door at the bakery and found it didn’t budge. I pulled again and grimaced. Why was it closed, and more importantly, why was it locked? We never locked our bakery during the day.

“Hina-chan.”

I turned around to see a frequent customer.

“Ohayo, Tatami-san,” I greeted. “Do you know why the bakery is closed?”

Tatami’s eyes widened slightly. “Oh, you didn’t hear. Your mother has gone into labour just last night.”

“What?!”

“Congratulations!” I heard him call out as I sprinted away.

I didn’t know what this feeling in my chest was. I’d never been around when a sibling was born before. I wondered if it was a boy or a girl. I wondered if my new kid sibling had green hair like Yua’s and mine, or brown like Taichi’s and dad’s. Yua’s pregnancy had been going along without a hitch so far, but there was always a chance for complications during labour. I didn’t even know what the methods were here, if the technology and techniques had a higher rate of survival than it did back in my old world. Even the slightest chance that mom could be hurt, or the baby wouldn’t make it, made my stomach churn painfully.

I practically burst through the hospital door, running straight to the front desk. No one turned to look at my frantic running. I was sure a lot of people burst through the door like I did. The receptionist looked down on me momentarily before fixing up her glasses.

“U-um, do you know which room Suzuki Yua is in?! She’s my mother!”

She pulled out a book and flipped through the pages before a smile tugged at her face. I didn’t know whether to be relieved or urge the woman to just get on with it.

“She’s up in level 3, room 4. Congratulations on your new sibling.”

“T-thanks!”

I was prone to incessantly worrying over everything out of my control. I knew I should have taken a moment to calm down before bounding up the stairs, but I couldn’t help myself. When I saw Taichi outside on a bench I practically barrelled into him.

“Hi-chan!”

“Tai-nii, how is kaasan? Is she ok? Is the baby ok? How long has she been in labour? Is it still going on?”

“Ah—um,” the boy squeaked.

“Taichi!”

“Ah, right! Kaasan’s ok. She’s been in labour for about 10 hours now, so it should um—be soon,” he explained hastily.

“No complications?” I asked urgently.

“No, they said it’s a good birth,” Taichi said, a smile tugging at his lips before he pet my head and forced me to sit down. “Hi-chan, come on you need to calm down ok. Everything will be ok.”

Oh god my ten-year-old brother had a more level head than me. I grimaced at the thought before taking in several deep breaths and still finding myself jittery from the nerves. I could hear the screaming from inside and I got right back up and started pacing.

“You know that’s not going to help Hi-chan,” Taichi sighed.

“I can’t help it! I’m worried ok,” I grumbled looking away.

Why were my emotions so out of whack? I was going to pace some more when Taichi forced me to sit next to him and began rubbing my back. I blushed in indignation. Dammit, why did I need a kid to calm me down? It was working though, so I decided to let him continue, and hours passed by with me simply tapping the ground when finally the door opened, and I jolted right back up. I jumped on the balls of my feet, bounding over to the doctor who looked rather tired.

“Are they ok? Is the baby good? Can I see?”

The man chuckled before pulling down his face mask. A good laugh then! I nearly felt all my anxieties deflate at just his expression.

“You can go in now, but you have to calm down a bit ok. Your kaasan has been through a lot, and she wouldn’t like it if you were shouting and jumping about.”

“Ok…”

I felt Taichi put a grounding hand on my shoulder and I forced myself to calm down again before we entered the room. I looked at the bed to see Yua sitting there, long green hair an absolute mess, eyes rimmed red, skin a little clammy and still sweaty, but the smile on her face broke through everything else. She had a little bundle in her arms, and I gravitated towards it in awe. I looked up at dad who was smiling down at me, and then to Taichi who despite having been calm a moment ago had now run straight up to his mother. I found myself frozen in place a meter away from the family. I watched as Taichi touched his new siblings face.

“Whoaa, she looks so weird,” he said, childish voice raising an octave.

Yua chuckled. “No Taichi, this is your new otouto.”

A boy then. I wanted to go see the baby too, but I suddenly didn’t have the energy. I didn’t know if I was welcome to go jump by her bed as casually as Taichi did. I gripped my shirt and looked down only to feel eyes on me. I looked back up to see Yua smiling my way, gesturing for me to come. My heart fluttered warmly as I hesitantly made my way to her bed, slowly and deliberately keeping my steps light and silent as I walked over. I pulled myself onto the bed next to Taichi and looked at the baby.

“He looks just like you did,” Yua said with a warm smile.

I looked at the baby in awe. He was so tiny, and his skin was really pink. His eyes were closed, and his mouth was slightly open and to my joy a tuft of green hair, the same shade as mine, poked out of the blue cloth wrapping around him. I touched his face gently and marvelled. This was amazing! It was so miraculous, and warm, and made me want to be better and I didn’t even know why. All I knew was that I loved him already, and I’d never felt this kind of love before.

“Say hi to your baby brother. Suzuki Tsukiya.”

* * *

Taichi and I went home with massive grins on our faces. Taichi, having had more free time than me, had already begun knitting little clothes for his new sibling. It was all in various shades of green of course. I had only had time to purchase a toy, and I made sure it was a soft blue bunny. It was more out of nostalgia that I did that since it was one of the few memories I had as a child. Dad had already added in a cot in the old spare room we didn’t use.

“I can’t believe it! I’m going to be an aneki! Ahh Tai-nii, what do you think Tsu-chan will call me? Aneki, one-chan, or maybe he’ll love me so much he’ll just call me ane-chan!”

“Tsu-chan can’t even talk. How would he call you anything?” Taichi laughed, before he puffed out his cheeks. “Plus, he’ll call me nii-chan first.”

“Is that a challenge?” I ask grinning.

Taichi smiles, and for the first time he looks about ready to throw in for a challenge. I cackle a little evilly and his smile widens but never reaches his eyes.

“You’re on!” I exclaimed before pouncing on him.

“Hey, this is not a wrestling challenge!” he shouted in sudden worry.

I put my big brother in a choke hold, laughing evilly, when I felt a large hand grab me by my collar and hold me up. I turned to see dad behind me, sighing. He turned his amused expression to us before realising that he should probably be scolding us.

“Hina, you shouldn’t use your training on your brother like that,” he chided mildly before putting me down.

There’s a knock on the door and dad gives us one last look, to make sure we aren’t going to fight. Taichi and I grin innocently back, and his serious expression folds and he lets out an amused snort. I had expected maybe a family member, or a friend who wanted to congratulate us on our new addition to come over, but the familiar green flak jacket made me stand a little straighter. It was a Genin corps member. They usually ran mission summons. I knew this of course, but I’d never received one personally before. Everything usually went straight to Sensei.

“A mission summons for Genin Suzuki Hina. You are to report to the mission’s desk. Estimated mission length will be 2 weeks.”

The Genin looked around in confusion, probably wondering where said ninja was. I sighed and walked to the door. Dad took a step back, giving me a curious look.

“It’s me,” I replied a little dryly.

The 16 something year old Genin Corps member blinked in shock before frowning in confusion.

“I can’t exactly give this scroll to anyone or I’ll get in trouble. Uh, can you get Suzuki-san here for me,” he says looking at my dad.

The amused smile that tugs at dad’s lips makes me want to throw a chair at him. I blush in indignation before snatching the scroll from his hands.

“This is Suzuki Hina,” dad says a little too playfully.

The boy looked a little flustered as he rubbed the back of his neck. “Ah, sorry about that…”

“It’s ok,” I mumbled before he hastily took his leave.

“A week huh. That’s not too long,” dad said catching my attention.

“It isn’t,” I frowned. “But I was kind of hoping to be here when Tsu-chan gets settled.”

“I’m sure you’ll have a lot of time with him later. It doesn’t look like you’re going to go to an outpost this time,” dad said with a smile.

I nod. Yeah outpost missions lasted 2 months minimum. Was I finally getting my first proper, non-war related mission? I didn’t know how I felt about that. I wasn’t particularly excited either. 

I ﬁnished packing rather quickly. I always kept my Shinobi gear folded and ready to put away and my ration bars were stored into a sealed scroll, which meant it didn't go bad and I could just chuck it into my bag whenever. Really, I had already had a pack set up ready to go and all I needed to do was add in an appropriate amount of clothes and weapons for the trip.

"Take care. I hope this mission is uneventful," dad said patting my head and giving me a hug.

"I'm sure it's probably just a quick delivery mission," I said consolingly.

"Still be careful and safe ok."

"Take care of Tsu-chan ok!"

"Of course."

I said bye to my family before grabbing my pack and making my way to the missions desk. I remembered how annoyed the Chunin was that I came in through the window the last time, so I decided to play it safe and actually walk in through the door. The Chunin administrator looked to be in near tears. I fumbled in confusion.

"A-are you ok?" I asked, unsure of what to do.

He sniﬄed and wiped away his tears, his expression turning grim as he straightened his back.

"I just— I can't believe someone ﬁnally came through the _door_ ," he said sniﬄing.

I handed the man my handkerchief and watched in complete baﬄement as he blew into it before handing it back. I just grimaced and put the snot covered cloth back on his table. Why was he so emotional for? What a weirdo.

"My mission," I said, hoping to pull him back to his job.

"Ah yes. Position and ninja registration number."

"Genin, Suzuki Hina and here's my ID."

I pulled out my licence for the ﬁrst time. I wondered if I would ever use it and the time ﬁnally came it seemed. I wasn't practically proud of it... they happened to snap the picture when I looked like I was about to sneeze, and I looked absolutely ridiculous in it. I heard that's the picture they used in Bingo books. A shiver ran through my spine as I imagined that picture being printed in a book people actually read. I vowed then to never have my face in a bingo book.

"It says here that you're to report to the Hokage's desk. Do you know the way from here?"

I took my licence back and nodded in shock. I had only ever reported to the Hokage once and Gaku-sensei had been the one to take me there. I walked in thought until I reached the Hokage's oﬃce at the top of the building. The man was short, but he held himself in a rather digniﬁed way. I turned my attention from him to Orochimaru and it dawned on me why I wasn't picked up by Gaku-sensei. My ﬁrst proper mission was with... Orochimaru. A sense of irritation and worry suddenly plagued me.

"Hokage-sama," I greeted as cordially as I could, although the apprehension didn’t leave my tone entirely.

"Hina-chan. Orochimaru was telling me how he managed to ﬁnd a Genin. Now if only he could ﬁnd a team without a Sensei," he sighed.

"One child is enough," Orochimaru grimaced.

Not a kid person huh. That made me oddly less worried. The Hokage sighed before handing Orochimaru the mission scroll.

"It's a simple C rank. There's a group of bandits near a village by the South border. They're all from farming backgrounds."

Orochimaru took the scroll and his lips thinned in irritation. The Hokage just smiled back, like his student's irritation was amusing. Hina could sympathise with the Hokage in this moment, even if her opinion of him had soured. Surely if she were a military dictator, she would also abuse her position to annoy her subordinates. It seemed only right to do so. Why else would anyone want all that back breaking responsibility?

"If you want a student, you'll have to be ready to teach her. Thankfully Hina-chan here has another sensei in case this doesn't work out but do bring her back alive."

The warning was thick. I wondered if they ever had such a passive aggressive relationship in the story before. I couldn't seem to recall it. It didn't really matter. I didn't hold the story canon to that high of a value. If the butterﬂy effect was a thing a lot of things would change the more I continued to exist here, if the story even completely applied in the first place.

Orochimaru looked like a thoroughly admonished child, which looked entirely out of place and made this all seem extremely wrong. He was meant to be strong, sly and give you that grin that said he was about to fuck you up if you even breathed wrong in his vicinity. Heck he would kill Sarutobi in the future if all went according to canon. So why was he currently unable to stand up to his sensei?

We made our way down to the South wall and didn’t even bother to show our scroll to the Genin Corps members. Everyone instinctually backed away from the Sannin, his reputation alone being enough of a give away that he was allowed to pass through. I followed after the rather silent to-be S ranked criminal silently. We travelled in relative silence for two days before he finally spoke up beyond the small talk we occasionally made before.

“I’m going to go on an errand. Take care of the mission for me.”

“W-what?”

He handed me the scroll and then abruptly disappeared in an impossible to see body-flicker, leaving me alone and confused. I opened the mission scroll and panicked. What was I meant to do? I stumbled quickly through the scroll mission directions and then found that I was still confused. We were to take care of some bandit activity near the Serotaki region, but it didn’t detail how exactly to find said bandits. I pulled out my map and motioned my finger across the surface until I found the region I needed to head to.

“What am I going to do?” I lamented.

I was top of my class in taijutsu, ninjutsu and academics, but that wasn’t saying much considering I had graduated in a class full of 5-year old’s who had only been learning their ABC’s. I wasn’t taught any of the shinobi protocols and had only been learning it second hand from Gaku-sensei because normally he took over that role. He hadn’t taught me any generic mission protocol. I’d only ever done war related tasks and those were treated completely different from general client-based missions.

I knew for a fact that if we weren’t desperate and smack in the middle of war times, I would not have been allowed to graduate, not for my lack of fighting skills, but my lack of operational knowledge. I hadn’t gone through 5 years of schooling detailing how to get mission scrolls, how to write reports, what to do in situations that involved tracking bandits, or even basic intel gathering. I had been thrown directly into the middle of battle, and everything else was just about following the orders of people who knew how to organise and do the thinking. Not to say I was stupid, but I didn’t have any experience with standard protocol, intel gathering, or even taking out bandits.

My knowledge on reading maps came from my one road trip nearly 16 years ago in my old life. I was undeniably lost after running in my presumed direction for about 2 hours. I had no idea where I was going and felt so inexplicably alone and scared. I hated being lost! I was directionally challenged for fucks sake! What was I meant to do? In my panic I barely noticed it was a hand on my shoulder before I pounced up in the air like a particularly frightened cat. I twisted in the air and brought my knife down to the man’s throat before my eyes caught onto his civilian garb.

“Wha—”

“Oh kami-sama! I’m sorry!”

I jumped off his shoulders and gave him an apologetic look. The man seemed to be in his 20’s, with such a mediocre chakra pool that he had to be civilian. And judging by his rather basic clothes, a little too shallow skin and dry hair, he looked to be somewhat poor. He held up his hands nervously in a universal peace sign, smiling sheepishly as he noticed my forehead protector. He looked terrified, even if he was trying to hide it. I noticed the dirt in his fingers and the smell of soil and ash and wondered what his profession was.

“No, it’s my fault for startling a Shinobi. I didn’t um… expect your kind to be so… small.”

My hackles raised mildly. I wasn’t small, I was _six_. My age was a perfect excuse to be small. I snuffed out my immature irritation before coughing. I wasn’t going to lie to myself. I was terribly relieved by the appearance of another human being, even if I didn’t know him or trust him one bit. I pulled out my map and found my cheeks heating up in embarrassment.

“U-um, it’s ok. Actually can I ask you for a favour?” I hated how small my own voice sounded.

“Y-yes! What is it you need?”

“I ah—I don’t know hot to get to the Serotaki region. I need to… do some D rank chores there.”

The man gave me a dubious look, before rubbing the stubble in his chin. Kami, that was a pathetic lie. It was obvious I was lost, so why couldn’t I bring myself to admit it?

“You got separated right. You Shinobi are always travelling in groups. It’s rare to see one alone… don’t worry though. My village is close by, I can take you there. I was just collecting some firewood. Let me go grab it and I’ll be with you.”

I let the man walk aside and watched as he went to go grab the bundle of wood not too far away. I let out a relieved sigh when he was looking. Ok, I could just follow him, and then ask the villagers where they’d last spotted bandits. That seemed to be the most reliable course of action… although I had no idea if that was textbook standard, considering I hadn’t read the textbook yet…

_Fuck you Orochimaru!_

I always imagined a real, non-war related mission, would be me breezing the easy stream escorting a caravan or running some scrolls with Gaku-sensei. I know because of sensei’s specialisation being tracking and taijutsu (mainly taijutsu), that I wouldn’t get any intel jobs. I had been syphoned into the role of a front-line general combatant but being Orochimaru’s student now meant that would change. I really didn’t want it to change. I wanted to be strong, and I didn’t want to fail my missions, but the idea of being on the fast track as an ANBU or ROOT agent made me want to bury myself into a hole. There goes my plan of making Jounin and retiring to the Nara R&D division after the war… if I even survived this bloody war.

I lamented my terrible, terrible fate, when the man began to show me the way. I impatiently followed after him, itching to break into a run because we were going so goddamn slow that I wasn’t so sure we’d make the village in an hour like we could. The man—Mitsuo, tried to make general conversation, but I just gave him stilted responses. I didn’t want to be rude, but I was nervous. I had never done a mission alone before.

“How old are you?”

“Nearly seven,” I replied.

His eyes widened and his mouth parted in shock. “They’re really that desperate now huh? But you’re lucky you know.”

“Really?” I said, unable to keep the amusement from my voice.

Mitsuo nodded, displeased by my amused dismissal. “You Shinobi get good pay and most of all you aren’t weak. If I had been born into a Shinobi village, I would have taken that position in a heartbeat.”

“That’s a fair conclusion,” I nodded, taking back my earlier statement. “Being a Shinobi is hard, and you could easily be killed, but it’s always better to be killed while being able to put up a fight than to die at the mercy of someone else with absolutely no chance.”

“Gee thanks kid… making me feel much better about my position already,” he grumbled, voice laced with frustration.

I winced. I just had to run my mouth of and make the man guiding me hate me. Now I had to suffer through the awkward silence he was putting me through.

“I’m sorry,” I bit out an apology. “It’s all I’ve ever known in this life, so sometimes I forget to take into consideration how civilians feel. I don’t even know what the war’s like for you… well not here in the Fire Country anyway.”

His dark burgundy eyes gave me an appraising look before he sighed, rubbing the scar on his arm, and looking wholly like he hated himself for a second.

“It’s been hard on us. While you Shinobi fight and the Daimyos sit on their thrones eating well, the rest of us are left to fend for ourselves. It’s never safe out in any trade routes now. I used to bring cotton in from here to Ami, but the wars practically destroyed my business. Now I just do odd jobs anywhere to feed my kid.”

“Ah, that… sucks.”

“It does.”

“At least you live up to your name.” It meant something that he was working hard to provide for his child. He was definitely an unsung hero. Mitsuo the unsung hero… had a nice ring to it.

My condolences meant nothing though. This man was clearly worked to the bone, dead tired and extremely thin. Words meant nothing in his situation. Only change would. I almost had enough pity to just give him my scroll full of rations. My thoughts went back to Emi. The Furukuwa family, who had been miners, had lost their whole way of life and income to a war that hardly even had anything to do to them. Their village had been raided by enemy shinobi, and some weren’t lucky enough to host kinder Shinobi like Gaku and I. Once again, I felt justified in my pursuit to be a Shinobi. There was all the reason to strive for power in this world. It was decidedly not safe like my previous world was… or at least where I lived in my previous world. As a shinobi you were still in danger, but you also had the power to be _something_ more.

We walked silently until I sensed the chakra of several people in the distance. Something smelt off. Why did I smell blood? Not animal blood, but human too. I discreetly sniffed the air again. I turned to the man, but he didn’t seem off, just a little nervous, but he’d been like that since we met. I did hold a knife to his throat, so I didn’t fault him for that.

“Is the village close by?” I asked.

“Yes, it should be down the clearing.”

“Is it often attacked by bandits?” I asked.

He froze, and his hands began shaking. So that was a yes then? It must have been hard for him. The idea that just anyone could come raiding whenever, take everything you own, rape and pillage as they pleased—well I could understand why he was trembling.

“It’s ok Mitsuo-san,” I said exuding as much calm as I could. “I may not look it, but I’m a strong Shinobi, Genin or not. I’ll protect you.”

And I meant it. I didn’t back away from him, playing it cool as we closed in on the village. The smell of blood became stronger and now I was mildly confused. Unless everyone in the village had been killed, it made no sense for so little chakra signatures to be around. I suddenly felt the two weak chakra signatures run up behind me, and I could smell the blood on their metal. I didn’t even need to pull out my kunai to easily block their blades with just my palm alone. The two attackers were pushed away easily.

“Get behind me Mit—”

Before I could say more, I felt the man grab at me. I was shocked by the sudden contact and lost my composure for a second as he jabbed something into my neck. I stumbled away in disbelief, before jumping onto a tree out of their reach. I looked down at my guide and scowled.

“What do you think you’re doing?” I hissed.

“It’s nothing personal. I need to kill you before you alert more shinobi about us,” Mitsuo replied with a frown.

I cursed as I rubbed off whatever liquid was dripping from the shallow wound on my neck. It had numbed the skin around the area, and I wasn’t so sure what it was. I scowled in frustration, unsure of what to do.

“You lot are the bandits around this area,” I concluded.

Their silence was answer enough, and in the time, I was talking, more rushed into the clearing. I let out a sharp sound as I stumbled off the tree, my chakra going haywire. What had he done to me? Mitsuo grabbed a sword from another bandit and pointed it in my direction.

“I’m sorry Hina, but it seems you need to die here today. You won’t be able to move in a few seconds.”

“A neurotoxin,” I mumbled, eyes widening.

“We may be weak, but we refuse to be fodder to you _shinobi_ ,” he said spitting the word as if it was poison. His eyes set hard as steel, and face twisted in desperation.

I could feel my legs going numb. I looked around at the 20 or so bandits and cursed. How had I been so stupid as to trust this man just because he looked weak? I was going to die because I wasn’t careful… I was going to die by _bandits_. Normal civilian people who happened to wield swords… that was who was going to take me out.

_Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit._

It was a fast moving toxin. I could feel the coldness seep quickly into me. I probably only had about a minute left. The only thought that went through my head at that moment was that I didn’t want to die. Not like this. Not like how I had died before in a meaningless way. I had never been so terrified before, not even when I was fighting to protect Emi and I was so sure of my death. The fear made me stumble forward despite the numbness, despite the chakra not moving to my will.

_I don’t want to die like this!_


	29. Chapter 29

I didn’t waste time throwing shuriken straight into the jugular of a bandit coming my way, and then jumping on and snapping the neck of the next one. I needed to get this done fast. 30 seconds left. Just kill them all before they can kill me. This wasn’t any different than killing anyone in battle I reasoned, except that now I was on a pressuring time limit. My limbs were going numb and as I snarled and engaged Mitsuo, I didn’t even feel a drop of remorse for killing him, just a sickening form of satisfaction that he would get what he deserved. Not even the screams of his enraged child wavered my heart.

_Breathe Hina!_

I managed a second’s worth of a hasty chakra spike as I superheated my body with chakra like I had learnt. It brought a mild sensation to my limbs that had gone worryingly cold. I felt my vision blur and cursed. Was my whole body shutting down? No, I couldn’t just lay down and give up now. I pushed my chakra to my ears this time. I’d trained for this. If I lost one sense, then I’d have another. I drove my body in autopilot, dodging and weaving through the men and women coming at me with a desperation that was evident in all fights, shinobi or civilian. I was desperate too, but I was _trained_. Orochimaru would bring me to life and kill me personally if I lost to a bunch of no-chakra bandits. 

I cracked necks, and caved in chests, but my chakra wasn’t moulding to my will and without it I was just an average child. A little girl. Without chakra I was the most vulnerable thing on this planet, small and so fragile. I had forgotten how it felt to not be strong, to not have this amazing power I could control so intrinsically run through my body. I had begun to take it for granted.

As another blade cut through my arm, and one nicked at my cheeks, I realised I was losing more of it, and I was beginning to move at the speed of a normal civilian girl, not a shinobi. Without chakra, no matter how much muscle I built up, I was no match for grown men. I let out a scream of frustration as I drove my knee into a man’s chest and pushed away the hand moving to grapple me.

NO I REFUSE

I refused to be anything but strong! I refused to die in such a disgraceful way again. I had people here to live for, and so when I slammed my body desperately into one of the bandits and grabbed them by their genitals and bit the hand that came at my face, I didn’t stop. I didn’t hold back. Death wasn’t pretty, fighting wasn’t pretty. It was brutal, cold, and unforgiving. I didn’t dance like the wind, nor strike effortlessly like a tiger. No, I struggled in a desperate bid to survive, and I struck wild and unforgivingly, because when it came down to it, between them and me, I would always choose me. I had the means to survive, the training to continue, and the instincts to follow me that chakra didn’t take away. I could do this!

Before long I was on my last leg, panting harshly as I weakly tackled into the last man there. He caught me easily, and when I looked up with blurred vision, my limbs trembling with numb, heavy exhaustion, all I knew was that all my efforts were pointless. In the end the blade that came down at my face wasn’t from a man, but a crying boy.

“You killed my dad!”

Mitsuo mentioned he had a son to take care of. I wondered briefly if it was this boy, and I couldn’t find it in myself to hate him for what he was about to do. If anyone had taken away my own father, I wouldn’t end them with a simple stab. I would cut of their dick and make them taste hell. I wondered, if maybe, I was too detached right now, if it was normal to not just feel numb in the body but also in the spirit. I didn’t understand how these thoughts were dragging out, like somehow the world was pausing for my last reflections, as I watched in slow-motion the blade that would end my life. I closed my eyes, not quite ready to die.

It didn’t come.

I felt the grip on my shirt slacken and I dropped to the ground in a heap. I had barely enough energy to look up to see a pissed off Orochimaru, his hands straight through the boy’s chest, holding him up like a ragdoll. The boy let out a pitiful and terrified whimper before he spat out blood and his head lolled to the side in a slow death. Orochimaru flicked his arm, throwing the boy away like a worthless ragdoll and looked down at me. The smile on his face wasn’t kind.

“To be taken down by bandits. Quite pathetic wouldn’t you say,” he hummed, voice cold as ice.

I looked down and gritted my teeth in shame. So weak, so pathetic… so _useless._ Somehow, I was managing to feel like this often these days. Powerless and incompetent. It made hate bubble inside of me. An ugly emotion reared its head telling me how unworthy I was to even be alive. I hated it so much. I hated it so much that when Orochimaru put a hand on my head and set my nerves on fire, I didn’t even scream or struggle. I dug my fingers into the ground instead, biting my lips and took it.

“Let the pain be a lesson,” he finally said, letting go of my head.

I stumbled back down shakily, my breathing ragged, and I knew I deserved this.

* * *

The nerve toxin had been removed from my system, and I couldn’t feel the numbness in my body anymore. I kept my face blank, but the emotions inside of me were painful. I was always a hairbreadth away from dying out in the field, and a part of me knew I would never get used to it, but the feeling of incompetence and uselessness was what weighed heavy on my shoulders. I couldn’t even bring myself to look up at Orochimaru’s eyes from the shame of it all.

“There are many ways to kill a Shinobi. Toxins, Genjutsu, chakra manipulation, Taijutsu, Kenjutsu, Fuinjutsu, drowning, electrocution, heart attacks and assassinations. You have only ever fought on head to head battles, a clear enemy, with orders and single-minded purpose. Your foolish sensei has made you weak.”

“I-It wasn’t Gaku-sensei’s fault,” I defended, speaking up for the first time.

Orochimaru sneered at me, his eyes narrowing at my defiance, and my skin tingled with fire and I shut up and looked down again.

“He focused entirely on your Taijutsu, which understandably will keep you alive in direct combat, but he neglected everything else. It truly does seem like you’ll need another sensei,” he hummed rather pleased.

I knew Orochimaru was right, but his words didn’t sting any less. This world of steel and violence was still new to me. I only spent a year in the academy, and I was barely introduced to standard ninja protocol, let alone to things like mission tactics. I was sure there were more fields out there, like torture and interrogation, sabotage and espionage, and a plethora of other shinobi missions that wasn’t simply going out to fight in the front lines. I knew nothing about that, and I didn’t think it mattered before. Being a shinobi had always been a means to an end, to live a comfortable life in the future, safe and with the way to provide and protect. I didn’t care beyond that. If I could protect my family, and take care of my own interests, I didn’t care if I was roped into the most unsavoury job in the world. My body and career choice was a small price to pay for a life of safety and basic needs of my family.

I was wrong to be so wilfully ignorant about the other aspects of my own career path. Being a shinobi meant more than just being strong. I needed to be smart, which I admittedly was not. I had been told by Cat once that there were different kinds of intelligence. I used to look down on the less academically gifted, and yet Cat, with all her academic averageness had possessed skills I barely had. She could talk to people, create meaningful connections, navigate conversations like a particularly elusive feline. I was, in comparison, an emotionally stunted idiot who knew an inordinate amount about my specific scientific field. Being a Shinobi was no different, except for the minor fact that my ability to study was only really one part in a wide array of things I needed to do, to become truly strong.

I had thought that improving my pure Taijutsu and Ninjutsu skills would be enough to land me a cosy position, do missions under the radar while discretely making myself stronger. That way life would be comfortable again, and even if my job was dangerous, I could go in and do it respectably and professionally. I was wrong. All the Taijutsu and Ninjutsu in the world wouldn’t be enough if I didn’t learn how to spot an enemy, how to detect sabotage, how to handle clients and how to not die from on stray poison dart. For someone who died chocking on a vegetable, I sure had forgotten how easily my life could be taken.

“I will not have my student be so _weak_. It seems I will be taking over your training from ROOT for a while,” Orochimaru said catching my attention.

“I—I will be stronger,” I said curling my fists tighter. “I refuse to be useless.”

“Pretty words,” he hummed. “Back it up with evidence and I’ll see if you’re even worth keeping alive.”

I bit my lip and I could feel my body tremble. I knew I shouldn’t feel this way, but if Orochimaru found me unworthy to be alive, I felt like I would break. Josh had died for me… I had no right to be so unworthy of his sacrifice. Failure meant everything he had given up on my account was for nothing, and I refused to make that the case. I would not fail this. I would make my life worth his sacrifice.

* * *

I didn’t feel particularly bad when Guy threw me to the ground and won the spar. Oddly enough I was feeling both ineffective and terribly frustrated. As I lay on the ground looking up at the cloudy sky above, I didn’t feel the thrill of a spar, or the joy of companionship. My emotions felt clammy and ambivalent. Like it was confused by the number of contradictory things I had been doing and feeling for the past few months. I slammed my fist against the grass, and the hiss that escaped my lips was too late to be held back. I sat up to see Guy giving me a worried look, dark eyes taking me in with a guilty, self-blaming look, and I felt shameful.

I always came running to spar with Guy when I was in a bad mood. He had become an unwitting therapy partner in some sense. His unending optimism, that blinding smile that had to be Genjutsu enhanced _somehow_ , and his personal brand of that ‘never give up’ attitude, had made him like my fireplace in a cold stormy night. 

But right now, beaten to the ground by his stupidly quick strikes, I wasn’t in a good place. The mission with Orochimaru was terrible. I had failed. I had _failed_ a job, and I took pride in not failing. I never enjoyed the killing, not truly. I only ever enjoyed the accomplishment that came with it, the thrill of a challenge. I liked adversary, but I needed to come out on top in the end. Being beaten to the ground by a _seven-year-old_ was not helping right now.

“I’m sorry Hina-chan if I did something un-youthful!” he exclaimed fidgeting.

I couldn’t help but narrow my arms and tch in agitation, more at myself than him. He fidgeted even more, and I gripped the grass painfully. What was I doing? Losing against a little boy and then proceeding to make _him_ feel guilty about it.

_Pathetic._

“It’s not your fault Guy,” I said, a little harsher than I liked my voice to be. “I-I’m sorry. I swear I’m not angry at you. I’m just so—so angry at myself. I’m so weak.”

_Not to mention a terrible human being._

Guy never stopped training. He never stopped running, or punching, or pushing himself. I had drive, but not as much as him, and it was showing. The only reason why he didn’t graduate early was because, despite his Taijutsu, he still lacked in everything else. They couldn’t send out a kid who couldn’t even tree walk to battle. Yet… he was beginning to beat me in spars. I was sure it wasn’t the same for Kakashi.

“You’re hurting.”

I flinched at his bluntness. I didn’t like this feeling, not one bit. I was meant to be the joking aloof one. Sure I could get annoyed like anyone, but rarely did I let my emotions affect me this much. I was seething. I shouldn’t be like this in front of Guy of all people. He was too good for me.

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled.

Guy to my surprise, sat next to me. He put an arm on my back and his cheeks heated up mildly at the display of comfort for a second before the most adorable look of conviction took his expression.

“Yosh! We will run 5 laps around Konoha!”

“Around the _whole_ of Konoha?” I asked in bafflement.

That was at least a 70-kilometre run! It would be possible if we kept it at a chakra run, but as a self-rule of training, we refrained from using chakra for stamina purposes. I paled considerably as he yanked me up with surprising strength, a blinding smile taking his face.

“You’re hurting about being weak! So then we will just have to train the weakness from your body! YOSH! Time to start!”

Guy held my hand as he began in a sprint, not even waiting for me to stretch. I looked at his back in bewilderment because a warm flutter of emotions welled inside of me that almost instantly overcame the bitter anger. I felt the tears well at my eyes and cursed the volatile emotions that came with my physical age. I brushed them aside before he could see that weakness too.

“Guy,”

“Yes?!”

“You really are the coolest, most _hip_ friend ever,” I snorted in amusement.

He turned as red as Kushina’s hair before he stuttered out something incoherent and then promptly ran ahead faster. Too fast. What a speed demon!

“Hey, wait up for me!”

We ran, and ran, and _ran_ , until I understood that Orochimaru’s torture had nothing on the fire my lungs were in right now. We didn’t stop, even as we were sweating like pigs, even with the concerned glances from the passer-by’s and definitely not until we completed all 5 laps. 6 hours of running later and then we collapsed in a heap. I practically fell onto Guy’s back and we just dropped onto the training ground we had booked in a heap.

“T-That was evil,” I wheezed.

“Y-you… did… it,” Guy said through painful breaths. “Hea…vy”

“Sorry,” I apologised, before rolling off him and dying by myself.

“You’re smiling,” he said after about an hour of catching our breaths.

“Huh.” I was.

“When I’m hurting, I train myself,” Guy said nodding sagely. “Then I know I won’t be useless anymore, because even if I am right now, I won’t be in the future!”

My heart skipped a beat. Was it true? Was it alright to be weak now? Was it alright to be this way until I could become stronger?

“So, uh… don’t hurt anymore ok,” he said awkwardly, beaming me a smile.

I couldn’t help the tears that practically flooded down my face. I couldn’t stop this display of weakness. I was crying in front of a child, I realised, and I wondered if it was ok. If it was ok to cry like this just because Guy let me be weak. Stupid childish emotions that I couldn’t control.

“H-Hina-chan! AH! I’m sorry for saying something so un-youthful again!”

I was so pathetic that I didn’t stop myself from burying my face into the fumbling boy’s chest to hide my tears. It was so unlike me to cry let alone to cry in front of someone and not hate myself for it. I was being pathetic, and it felt alright… because Guy wouldn’t judge me, because for the first time since Cat, I was fine being weak in front of someone. I didn’t want to feel this way, to feel like I was letting down my guard again, but Guy—he was too non-judgemental and it felt like nothing I could do could ever be considered a weakness in front of him.

“G-Guy”

“Yes!” he squeaked.

“These aren’t sad tears.”

_These were good tears._

* * *

The ‘hurt’ as guy had put it had lessened considerably, but it was still there, an ever-present motivator for me to shut my mouth and not utter another word of complaint as Orochimaru drilled me in various subjects. I decided that my future was too important to waste away without proper thought, and so I began to create contingencies beyond simply ‘getting stronger’.

It had been nearly 4 months since my encounter with ROOT, since I was taken in by Orochimaru and nothing of note had happened to suggest there was going to be an attack on my family and friends. I thought about it, as logically and as soundly as I could, and eventually concluded that Danzo would not keep my family alive. I was both an asset and a liability to ROOT, and while putting myself firmly under Orochimaru’s thumb had pushed Danzo back a step for now, it wouldn’t last for long. ROOT didn’t believe in ties, and since my family were civilians, and therefore not an integral part of Konoha, their deaths wouldn’t be missed, and Orochimaru, as much as he was capable of giving me power and resources, was also inclined to killing Sensei. I didn’t exactly miss the look of hate in Orochimaru’s eyes when Gaku-sensei told him off.

I sighed.

I had managed to bundle myself into a web of complications I didn’t even particularly think would happen a year ago. It was my fault my family and friends were dragged into this mess, and so it fell down to me to clean it up. I just didn’t know _how_. It took me a while, and I lost even more sleep on imagining the many possibilities that ROOT could take to getting rid of my family. They could easily kill them with poison, untraceable and unlinkable. They could make a fake accident scenario. They could pretend that there was a break in and robbery and kill everyone inside. I felt sick, the more I thought about how easy it would be, and how impossible it would be for me to stop them.

I had initially hoped that Shikaku or Gaku would eventually catch on, or that Kakashi would have notified Minato of my odd behaviour and the future Hokage would investigate. But then what… it wasn’t like ROOT was illegal. The Hokage knew it existed and he still allowed it. It wouldn’t be until after the war that ROOT would be disbanded, and the old war dictator was well within his rights to not even hold Danzo accountable. In the end this was a military dictatorship. What the Hokage said, went, and the council really only existed to advice, but Sarutobi was the one to let the power slip from his fingers.

What was I meant to do on my lonesome against a whole organisation when I couldn’t even safely tell anyone? I needed a way to sabotage ROOT from the inside, which would have been considerably easier if I didn’t kill Hakanai and end up as Orochimaru’s pet project… but that would mean staying in the ROOT training system. I shuddered at the memory of being beaten until my bones cracked and I couldn’t stand anymore. I could feel the breathlessness that came from the thought alone and I shoved down the panic. No, I would never go back to that again. I felt like a shitty person for leaving Kusari there, but that didn’t mean I wanted to go back, and what was done was done. Now it was my mission to find a way to destroy ROOT. How, I didn’t know yet, but I knew I’d have to play my role as a good pet, get into their good graces and then flip the table from under them when they didn’t even realise it.

And if it came down to it, if I had to choose between Gaku and Orochimaru, I’d always chose Gaku.

“Gyuuahhuuu”

I felt my worries fade a little as I looked at my little brother’s face. He had managed to open his eyes and they were a startling viridian green. While mine was a little lighter, towards a more an olive-green route, his was the exact shade of a bright green leaf. It was really pretty and oddly sparkly too. I cooed at him before rocking his crib. There was something about his presence that made me and Taichi competitive. Never before had we fought for anything, but all of a sudden, we were both butting heads trying to win this little baby’s affection.

“Yeah little buddy, nee-chan’s here and cause she’s definitely your favourite sibling, you’re going right back to sleep.”

The baby just gurgled at me before tears welled up in his eyes and he started crying. I was flustered and rocked the crib a little more frantically. How exactly did a baby’s mind work? I had no clue.

“You made Tsukiya-chan cry again,” Taichi said.

I turned around and scowled when he gave me that smug look of his. To my ire, my brother was better at calming down Tsukiya than I was. He picked up the baby with an unfair ease before rocking him in his arms. I looked up and frowned. It was no fair; my brother got all the good genes. He was taller than me, he was actually better looking and most importantly, he got the baby appeasing skills.

“Wait until he grows older, and then he’ll realise that I’m cooler,” I said with a challenging grin.

“Oh yeah, who’s the one who can bake him apple pies?”

“Hohoho, who needs apple pie when I can walk up walls! Imagine all the games we’ll play!”

Dad’s deep rumble of a laughter pulled our attentions. We both looked up at him scowling and he just laughed harder before bending over to ruffle our hair. I felt my body seize up momentarily as his hands touched my head.

_Fire. Burning. Hot_

“You two have gotten so close since Tsuki-chan came,” dad snickered.

“You need to reconsider what getting closer means Nori dear,” Yua sighed as she walked in with the bottle.

I looked up at Yua and she smiled down at me. There was a worried tightness to her expression whenever she glanced my way, and she always looked scared and jittery, but recently she had been trying to bridge whatever gap there was between us and I had become the reluctant one. I loved her, like I loved everyone I had an obligation to, but part of that obligation was to make sure she was safe. Family was blood, and you never let them down. I had already let mine down. Even if I hadn’t graduated early and we went broke, there wouldn’t be potential _assassins_ coming at them.

I glanced at Tsukiya worriedly. Now I had a _baby brother_. There was too much on stake to lose. It felt like the more I cared, the more people I involved myself with, the more they were in danger. It was the now all too familiar panic from this very thought that drove me out of the house more often. I didn’t have the time to get strong. I needed to do it now.

“Hina-chan,” dad said, breaking me out of my revere.

I snapped my attention back to him and gave the worried man a tentative smile. Yua was the only one who I knew genuinely had an inkling to knowing something was not quite right with me. Dad had bought the story about Orochimaru, but my mother was the most paranoid person I knew. She had tried subtly asking me about whether or not someone had been blackmailing me to do things for them, but the seal on my tongue prevented me from talking and reminded me that yes—I was still _branded_. It was followed by a burning rage and a need to speak the truth, and then the intense shuddering pain that followed, left me paralysed. Yua stopped asking after that, a resigned kind of panic in her eyes, and so she stopped hiding from me, and much to my ire, tried rekindling a bond that was frayed from years of neglect. In any other situation, I would forgive and forget, but now really wasn’t the time to get chummy and exchange secrets. Out of my whole family, I was sure Yua was the prime target.

So like every other day, when I was afraid that ROOT would attack, I spiked my chakra out a little to sense the many, _many_ , security seals I had brought to put around the house. They had been rather expensive, and I spent a week trying to figure out how to key them to my chakra signature, but at least now if anyone tried to break in, I’d be notified. 

“Nothing’s wrong tousan,” I opted to say. “I should be going to train with Orochimaru-sama soon.”

I pushed past my parents and made my way into my room before throwing on my training wear. It was simple black pants and a dark green shirt, nothing fancy. I pulled my growing hair into a spikey ponytail at the bottom before packing my ninja gear on. Training or not, I was not about to risk being weapon-less.

I was surprised to see dad knock at my door and enter. He hardly ever came to my room… something about little girls and privacy that he was afraid to get in-between. He looked worried, like he normally did when I let my mask of cool calm slip. It was becoming increasingly harder to do these days, what with the piling worries besides trying not to die from the war. It was like Konoha, which should have been a safe place, was also a war-zone, and I was constantly in the front lines.

“Hina, if this continues, I’m going straight to the Hokage with complaints, bureaucracy be dammed,” dad said crossing his arms.

“What- what do you mean by that?” I asked, my eyes darting around to see if an agent was possible listening in.

“ _This_ ,” dad said gesturing to me. “Your mother is a good woman, but she’s constantly paranoid because of what Shinobi had done to her, and now, it’s like you’re becoming the same paranoid mess. You train in the morning, then you spend the whole night with a man who hurts you! You come home, and your smile never reaches your eyes, you haven’t grown an inch because of the stress your putting on your growing body, and you come home covered in bruises and cuts and _scars_ no child should have!”

Dad never raised his voice, in fact he was a rather calm man, and his anger more often than not was the scary silent kind, but right now it was neither. It was cold, and demanding and rough, like he was trying to hold back tears. For all his worrying, I’d never seen him cry. The tears in his dark eyes had jolted me in surprise, and I jerked away when his hand reached out. He pulled back as if I had stabbed him and then he looked down at my hands and I realised they were trembling.

“Is Orochimaru still hurting you?”

Was Orochimaru still hurting me? Well, yes, at least not physically in the sense that he would bother to punch, kick, or cut me. He preferred his Genjutsu, preferred setting me on fire and making my senses betray me and teaching me again and again the feeling of powerlessness that came with my failures. So yes, I was scared, and yes, I didn’t want this. I would rather work under Tsunade or Jiraiya or no one at all, than Orochimaru or Danzo. I never liked this situation I was in with Orochimaru, but the fact remained that he was a much better alternative to staying in ROOT proper. I didn’t care if he hurt me, because in the end my feelings didn’t matter, not in the slightest when lives were at stake. I didn’t care if he hurt me.

_A small price to pay_

I was a small price to pay. I didn’t want my life to be this shitty, for things to go so terribly wrong, but it was my fault, my mess, and my _duty_ to not fuck it up any further than I had. For the sake of dad and mom and my brothers and sensei, it was my duty to bear with this punishment and come out on top anyway. Since when had I ever bothered to complain before? I didn’t have the right to start now. Life had dealt me it’s hand, and it was up to me to roll with it.

“Studying under Orochimaru-sama is actually a privilege tousan,” I said carefully, trying to keep my voice aloof and even. “In fact, I think about anyone would take a beating to be in my position… but no, he doesn’t hurt me.”

I didn’t expect dad to pull me into a hug. I flushed in shame when my hand twitched for my kunai holster. It felt like a violent knee jerk reaction. My instincts screamed at me to grab a weapon, any weapon. This touch didn’t feel safe.

“You flinch every time someone touches your head Hina.”

“H-How did you—”

“—How did I notice? I’m your _tousan_ ,” he said pulling away from the hug, but kept holding my shoulders firmly. “If Orochimaru is hurting you or… touching you inappropriately, I want you to know it’s ok to tell me. I may not be a shinobi, or know any strong jutsu, but I am your _tousan_. I will cross any bridge necessary to get you away.”

I believed he would. He would try and then he’d fail, and then our whole family would be _dead_. I would be left so utterly alone again, having proven to myself something I did not want to admit. I had already cried on a seven-year old’s chest, let out my emotions like a burst dam, but that was different. It was _Guy_ for heavens sake, and admittedly sometimes my biologically childish body was more prone to volatile emotions, but I couldn’t do it here, not when it felt like I had eyes staring at me from behind, watching my every move. So instead, I chuckled like he had said a particularly funny joke.

“Orochimaru-sama isn’t like _that_ ,” I said smiling wearily. “He’s a hard task master, but he’s fair and I’m learning a lot. You don’t know it yet but he’s actually protecting me. Speaking of which, it wouldn’t do to be late to a training session with a Sannin now would it.”

“No… it wouldn’t.”

I brushed past him as quickly as I could before quickly leaving the house. I needed better acting skills. Dad didn’t buy that at all. I felt like the pieces were slowly beginning to unravel, and as I went out to look at the moon in the night sky, I wondered how small my life was in comparison to the wider world. A fault in the cosmos, a crack in reality maybe. Surely if I was here, alive right now, then that meant the world was glitching, that things were amiss. It felt like that often. Like I had to make up for an existence that shouldn’t have even been allowed to happen in the first place.

Looking at my small calloused hands, the hands of a child, and not a grown woman, I was reminded of how _unnatural_ this all was. _Konoha._ Naruto… a supposed story of some chosen boy saviour who was destined to bring _peace_ , and here I was in the middle of a war on two fronts, completely unrelated to him or his efforts. Orochimaru felt more real than I did. Konoha felt real. Shinobi felt real. I didn’t.

“Suzuki Hina,” I whispered to myself.

My name is Suzuki Hina. I am in Konoha, the Land of Fire, in the Elemental Nations. What was beyond this… beyond this small life? Was there something ahead of all this war and fighting?

_Impossible_

There was war and then there was more war, maybe a different kind, but still all the same at heart. No one truly stopped fighting in their life. Everyone’s battles were different, but in the end they were the same. Survive maybe to live another day, to see your loved ones smile, and repeat again until you inevitably gave out under the weight of it all. Hopefully… _ideally_ from old age.

I sighed, before kicking a pebble and ruffling my hair with a grunt. After taking in a deep breath and letting it out harshly through my mouth I steeled my gaze. Sometimes there was no use hoping for more when it was impossible. It was time to fulfill my duty to my family. That was the only conviction I needed.


	30. Chapter 30

Kusari refused the book I smuggled in for the first time. He said it was unnecessary. I didn’t know what to say to that. His dark blue eyes had gone dull, his will had been broken. I had waited too long to act, and this was on me now. I didn’t know what to do, how to win against ROOT anymore. I had everything to lose and it had me paralysed with fear, and I had become reactionary instead of proactive like I hoped I’d be. A victim of circumstance… they had reduced me to a _victim_. It was downright shameful.

“There’s a world without all of this, you know,” I said softly to the boy who had been broken.

“Unnecessary,” Kusari said, voice devoid of any infliction.

“Maybe one day you’ll realise that it’s ok to live,” I continued without pause.

That struck something in the boy, and his hand reached out to hold mine. I didn’t stop him, and we intertwined fingers. His face was passive, but his eyes were full of pain, and pain was always better than nothing, so I held on, until our time together in this cold, dark prison had run its course. The door opened and Orochimaru had come for me. I looked up to see him by the door, and then his attention turned to my tanto.

“Not a weapon that’s suitable for your style. It’ll be a waste of time to learn,” he commented.

“I told them that, but apparently it’s ROOT standard,” I sighed.

“I won’t have them waste my time teaching you something useless.”

I waved a quick goodbye to Kusari. He winced before shutting back down. I smiled weakly before following behind Orochimaru. His presence was always a little chilling. He inspired a sort of carnal fear into the people he dominated.

“Have you told them that having a sword at your side would impede the only thing you’re not useless at?” he hummed.

I winced a little. _Harsh_. “I’ve been trying to incorporate my taijutsu style with a sword at my side, but it’s—slow going.”

“There’s no need to. If you continue with a blade your style will never be at its best. It’s more a liability than anything. There are wind blade jutsu much better suited to your Ninjutsu and Taijutsu mixed style.”

“Yes Orochimaru-sama,” I mumbled, rubbing my nose.

Ever since the bandit incident, he had been much harsher than he was before. I had destroyed whatever respect I had built up with him, and it was a slow process trying to patch it back to where it used to be. I had learnt quite a lot though, things I would admit, I wouldn’t have learnt under Gaku-sensei. I learnt about poisons and their use, antidotes to said poisons, ways to combat chakra exhaustion, tactics to use in standard mission situations, and most of all he had beaten it into my very bones, that my pride would get me killed.

The most important lesson he imparted was that paranoia is the life blood to a Shinobi. At any moment I could be killed. That started his bout of lessons that had ROOT agents show up at times when I thought I’d be safe to throw kunai or try and assassinate me. The first time, I had been in the shower, and the event had startled me to my core. The assassin had held a kunai to my throat, and I was naked and prone in their grasp. I could have died if it was an actual kill order. This continued on for weeks, and suddenly I found that I had almost constantly kept my senses keen and activated, like I had when I was blindfolded for training all that time ago.

“I don’t expect learning this technique will be hard. Follow me.”

We made our way into a ROOT training ground, which was really just a rectangular room devoid of anything other than a few lights and some training dummies. It was barren and impersonal like the rest of this underground system. Orochimaru turned to me, and he looked like he was in a rather good mood. It was only mildly reliving.

“Watch my hand signs and trace my chakra pathways and copy.”

I kept my eyes trained on Orochimaru’s fingers, and he went through the seals in seasoned quick succession. His chakra pulled at his palms and I could feel the wind draw to his fingers.

Tiger → Hare → Dragon

I was so focused on memorising the sequence and moulding my own chakra into the same pathways when my senses screamed at me to run. I jumped away as a blade of wind cut my cheek, my hair, and a chunk of my ear. I winced as I jumped back and held my bleeding ear.

“Constant vigilance Hina-chan, or you will be killed,” Orochimaru chuckled.

He nearly _killed_ me. He used a technique he was trying to teach me to kill me! I felt my nerves jolt right back into awareness once more as he stepped forward. Then almost in the blink of an eye he was in front of me, and his hands moved to my face. An iron wall. I flinched away expecting pain, a fiery Genjutsu, but nothing came, just the weight of his palm too heavy on my head. Mockingly, he pet me, before chuckling as if amused by the sheer terror I was feeling. He walked right by me.

“It’s good that you’re finally learning. Never trust anyone after all,” Orochimaru said. “Well then, do practice that technique. I’ll expect it done by tomorrow. I’ll be setting up another cursed seal experiment and I want you there for the procedure.”

It was only when he was well and truly gone, that I allowed myself to fall to my knees, to allow the fear to show. I was sweating, my limbs were shaking, and I was _dead_ , because in the face of that much power, I was insignificant and weak. My fists clenched and I forced myself to stand up and pull my shaky fingers up.

Tiger → Hare → Dragon

The wind gathered at my palm. I ground my teeth and concentrated. I am weak, but I didn’t have to be for long.

* * *

I changed out of my ROOT gear and back into my normal exercise wear when I felt a presence enter the room. The seal in my tongue pinged with energy for a second and I turned around to see Danzo. I remembered ROOT protocol and went down on one knee, head bowed in his presence. It was demeaning, but I had to bite through it. There was no task too demeaning that I wouldn’t go through for the sake of my duty.

“Utsuro.”

A name that was foreign and _not_ me. It was a tactic to dehumanise me, I reminded myself. ROOT was in the business of mentally fucking up its inhabitants.

“Danzo-sama,” I said curtly, keeping my voice as even as I could.

“My, my, if only she was this respectful towards her own sensei,” Orochimaru laughed from behind him.

“Sensei or not, do not presume she belongs to you. All ROOT agents are mine to command ultimately,” Danzo said, voice taught with challenge.

I felt inexplicably unimportant, bowing before these two influential men. Before I had just been Hina, my own person, but now I suddenly felt like godforsaken Kabuto of all people, a pawn that was undoubtably fucked around with until he snapped. I never thought I’d ever relate to him of all people.

“No respect for all the effort I’ve put in making her a respectable kunoichi I see,” Orochimaru replied amiably.

“I don’t want a _respectable kunoichi_ , I want a loyal ROOT agent. Utsuro is ready.”

“Hmmm, already? Not that it concerns me what you do with her as long as I get her back.”

Ready? Ready for _what_? Were they going to ask me to kill Kusari? I’d barely known him for 3 months. Wouldn’t they at least wait a year or so for the bond to be strong before asking us to kill each other? Oddly enough, the panic that had spiked calmed down almost as quickly. If I died now… everyone would be safe. ROOT won’t have ties to my family or sensei anymore, no reason to put a hit on them. All I would have to do was let Kusari kill me.

“Stand up Utsuro.”

I stood up hesitantly. Danzo pulled out a black scroll from his sleeve. Those were the scrolls ROOT agents used for their assassination orders. Was I being assigned my first mission already? I tentatively took the scroll from the man before opening it.

_No_

I shot my head up and looked desperately between Orochimaru and Danzo. _No_. No, they couldn’t make me do this. Anything but this. I would give them my body, they could experiment on me, twist my insides, and break me open. If they wanted, they could send me undercover on a mission as a prostitute. They could order me to kill infants in a foreign country, or steal children with doujutsu away. They could ask literally _anything_ of me but this!

“Please,” I found my lips trembling and my body shaking. “Please.”

I fell to my knees and bowed my head to the cold ground. I would prostrate myself if I had to.

“Please, anything but this. Please. _Please._ ”

“I have no use for a tool owned by someone else. You will follow through these orders or it won’t just be those two names on the next scroll. Your brother’s have done nothing against the Village, and their blood will have been on your hands.”

“Well then, good luck Hina-chan,” Orochimaru chimed in.

I was left in the room, head still on the ground. I blinked my tears out in shock. I could never come back from this. If I did this, I would never be the same again.

Because the names on the ebony scroll had been Suzuki Noritaka and Suzuki Yua.

* * *

I walked back home numbly. I had anticipated an assassination attempt since the moment I had joined ROOT. I had anticipated that they wouldn’t want any loose ends on an agent who was less then willing. I had not predicted that they would skip every other agent in their beck and call to get _me_ to commit the act. Once the shock and terror had died down, my mind had enough clarity to work through the reasoning. They had been unsuccessful in breaking me. While I had undoubtedly changed, maybe developed minor PTSD in some form from the punishment both Danzo and Orochimaru put me through, my mind was still very much intact and my own. They had pinned down my only weakness and exploited it.

I found myself sitting on top of the Hokage monument for the first time in this life. I had never bothered to come here before, always too busy with something. Now, for the first time, I could see the whole Village and I wondered why I was fighting. I took in a deep breath and tried to calm down. I needed to think.

“You won’t kill them,” I said to myself.

I would not kill them. Danzo, Orochimaru, motherfucking _Uchiha Madara_ could not make me do anything against my own family. I had been reactionary, and for a second, when it looked like all my other options were useless once more, I nearly fell back into obedience. Joanne Linus had been prideful, and so had Suzuki Hina, but the constant powerlessness that Orochimaru and Danzo had been subjecting me to had worn and ripped at it, until I was left with no pride, no self-respect. The only thing I had left was the knowledge that I would be doing anything in my power to protect my people. Now they were trying to take that away from me to.

_Tic Toc_

My time was on the clock now. I didn’t have long, not anymore. I needed to do something now. No doubt ROOT would be monitoring me, making sure to keep an eye on me. They were keeping their presence hidden better than usual, and I couldn’t spot a trace of anyone tailing me, but I had no doubt that they were there. There was no one to help me, but myself. If I screwed this up my family would die, and I knew I had no hope on my end.

A bitter chuckle ripped from my throat. I was going to die, and it didn’t feel scary, not one bit... not in comparison to my fear of failing. I briefly wondered if I would be reborn somewhere ridiculous again, or if I’d ever be allowed the opportunity to go back to my old world once everything was over. Barely even 7 years here and I had managed to screw up not only my life, but the lives of the people I was obligated to protect.

I stood up and took in a deep breath.

Then I started walking slowly, and deliberately to the direction of my house. Then it would only be about 3 kilometres to the Nara Compound. If I could make enough noise there, even if I was fighting a bunch of ROOT nin, to whom I would no doubt lose, it would be enough just to catch Shikaku’s attention. I would cut out my own tongue and throw it to him with the seal activated if I had to. I knew this was suicidal, but I’d rather die than fail my family. I already lived with one death on my conscience, and it was too much to bear, another two and I would break.

Selfishly unselfish… I liked to call myself that, and now was the time to put it to action.

I was at my house, before I took in a deep breath. I needed a clear mind, and my complete focus for what I was about to do next. I could hear my baby brother’s gurgles from here and it was enough to remind me who I was doing this for. I closed my eyes and took in a deep breathe, it was a strong one, strong enough to control my chakra flow, and then I proceeded to superheat my blood. My chakra spiked further, and I didn’t stop breathing, even if it was well past my normal limits, I continued.

_Total Concentration Breathing: Walking in Winds!_

Then after a split second of taking control, I shot forward through the streets. The world blurred around me in slow motion as I moved at an almost blinding speed. I had only managed 10 seconds of this kind of speed before, and that was pushing it. I would need to maintain this for a minute to successfully get to the Nara compound, and even then, it had to outmatch the speed of trained Jounin level ninjas. Their chakra was not so hidden anymore, and they were clearly on my tail, stretching themselves to keep up with me, but not falling back enough to be comfortable.

A ROOT nin caught up to my side and I cursed. Shisui’s words came to me. _Control your momentum with your chakra slide, and your manoeuvring with your wind cutter_. I pushed the wind around me, moulded it to the absolute limit to tilt my body, and for the first time, I was able to change directions while going this fast. The tanto that swung at me missed, and I twisted the air around my body to propel me to the right, and then, with a well-timed chakra slide I shot forward and stabilised the wind cutter to either end of me.

 _Y_ es. I did it! Nearly 6 months since I learnt the Wind Walker technique and I finally managed to get it down. I thanked Kami for the good timing. With this I could make it past them with sheer speed and then it wouldn’t matter if my blood vessels popped like a balloon, because I would have gotten my message to Shikaku. He could protect my family.

_Just a few more kilometres!_

I twisted out of the way once more as the Jounin level agents rushed at me, and I continued forward in a single-minded determination. All I had was _speed_ , I couldn’t fight them head on. I just needed to go faster. I had gone by the last civilian district. 1 more kilometre and I would be at the Nara gates. Just one more!

_Kunai to the left_

I performed an aerial manoeuvre and landed harshly on my feet, wobbling a bit as another kunai stabbed right into my back. I didn’t stop, not for the pain, not for the momentary distraction that could cost me everything. I grit my teeth and continued forward. So _close._ I could see the gates.

I reached out my hand only for my body to seize and my legs to buckle as an intense paralysing pain made me crash to the ground. I let out a shaky breath as my heart stopped for a second and I felt the vessels in my body overheat and burst inside, sending a thousand sparks of agonising needle like stabs through me. It started from my tongue and travelled down, and then the weight of a body on top of mine cracked whatever hope I had of winning. I wheezed painfully, whole body shaking in a tremor of agony, but when I looked up to see Danzo, it didn’t compare to the dread that chilled my very soul. I was paralysed, and the gates were only a few hundred meters away, but they looked so _impossible_ to reach. Between them was Danzo.

_An impenetrable iron wall._


	31. Chapter 31

* * *

_I reached out my hand only for my body to seize and my legs to buckle as an intense paralysing pain made me crash to the ground. I let out a shaky breath as my heart stopped for a second and I felt the vessels in my body overheat and burst inside of me, sending a thousand sparks of agonising needle like stabs through me. It started from my tongue and travelled down, and then the weight of a body on top of mine cracked whatever hope I had of winning. I wheezed painfully, whole body shaking in a tremor of agony, but when I looked up to see Danzo, it didn’t compare to the dread that chilled my very soul. I was paralysed, and the gates were only a few hundred meters away, but they looked so impossible to reach. Between them was Danzo._

_An impenetrable iron wall._

* * *

NO

No! No, I had been so _close_. I looked at the Nara compound as tears blurred my eyes. The weight of the hand on my back and the pain seizing my chest and making me shudder, reminded me of my failure. I didn’t struggle when I was picked up by the ROOT agents. I had failed.

I felt a startling numbness when I was Shunshined straight back to ROOT headquarters. I was grabbed by shoulders and forced onto my knees in front of Danzo. His presence was suffocating. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him and instead just stared at the floor in horror. Why? Why had it come to this? Anything but _this_.

“Your betrayal was disappointing,” Danzo said, cold, hard, and unforgiving.

My betrayal? When had I ever even sworn allegiance to him? My thoughts died down to a muted hum after that. All the plans and contingencies I had, did not prepare me for this. Not even grovelling on the ground, prostrating myself, or begging would get me anywhere. What was done was final, a last bid of desperation, and now there was no escape, just an ultimatum.

“Bring Kusari in.”

I shot my head up. Why Kusari? They brought out the boy, my _partner_ , and forced him on his knees. I jerked up when the ROOT nin pulled out her tanto. The hands holding my shoulder tightened in painful pressure, their combined weight pinning me to the ground, and I craned my neck up desperately, glimpsing vivid images of a car crash. The weight of my responsibility reared its head at me, and I found myself watching once more in complete helplessness. 

“Kill him,” Danzo said.

_No, no, no, no!_

“Stop! Please stop! I’ll do anything! Just please—no more!”

There was a desperation in my voice that cut through the thick silence, through the barely concealed impassiveness that Kusari had maintained despite the shaking of his hands. Danzo held out his hand before the ROOT nin could draw any more blood from Kusari. The boy was looking blankly ahead, and I lowered my head in defeat. What could I do now? I could do _nothing._

“This was just a taste of what I could do to your brothers should you disobey me again. You have been warned Utsuro. One more misstep and there will be more lives than your parents on the kill list.”

I had never felt so hopeless before. Never felt the weight of my soul being crushed so badly. I just nodded and stood up shakily when the hands holding me down removed their weight from me. I blinked back the pain and knew what I had to do.

* * *

I cooked dinner. I made shrimp fried rice with a side of miso soup, and then I closed my eyes and felt that odd numbness recede. I had a day limit before the kill order would be extended to the rest of my family. Today was my last chance. There were several ROOT ANBU-level agents tailing me, and the instructions I had been given were explicit. One drop of the Denrobato frog’s poisonous secretion and it was enough to make anyone go crazy. I was going to murder my own parents without even doing them the courtesy of making it clean and unpainful. I felt a heat bubble inside my stomach, and I crushed it down, like I did with the rest of my thoughts.

“Hina-chan you’re making dinner?”

I turned around to see dad pull out the stool and sit down. I froze for a second before nodding, unable to really speak. Could I really kill him? He was my _dad_ , and I loved him. I remembered sitting on his shoulders, watching the Kabuki performance, eating katsudon with him, learning how to bake for the first time… hearing his loud rumbling laughter had always been a source of comfort. I put down the food, and I knew I _couldn’t_ do this. I made my way to him before climbing onto his lap and burying my face into his shirt. I had never cried in front of my parents, not since I was three. I didn’t have the right to cry now, even though I desperately wanted to. Instead I held onto him tightly, unable to hide the shaking in my limbs. Taking selfish comfort in the arms of an adult, my _dad_ , for one last time.

“Y-you were right. Kaasan was right. I-I don’t want to be a Shinobi anymore,” I said shakily, my voice wavering with my body before I cracked. “I don’t want to be a Shinobi anymore. Please. Please, not anymore.”

“Hina…”

My breathing was ragged, my throat constricting my air like it was punishing me for my wasted actions, hurting me for failing so bad. Was this the last time I would hug him like this? Why did I have to fail him so terribly? Why did he have to embrace me tightly like I deserved his protection and love?

“You’re a really brave girl Hina, and you know I’ll fight tooth and nail to get you out, even if it’s impossible. We can find a way.”

There was no way. The impossible was the impossible. There was no conceivable route I could think of that could make this work. I had failed, failed so terribly that the consequences would be more far reaching than just my own well-being. I let out a terrible sound, a mix between a scream and a cry, as I bit my tongue. It sounded like pure unadulterated frustration. Why? What right, did I have to let this man comfort me now when I was going to kill him?

“Nori… what happened to Hina?”

I turned to see Yua come into the kitchen. I let out another pathetic shiver, unable to quell the trembling in my body. My hands were shaking, I was sweating, and it was hard to breathe, let alone to look at my mother… whom I was going to murder. I couldn’t even hold it back, this pathetic, undeserving display of weakness. How much lower could I fall than I already had?

“I… I don’t have any right to say this, b-but I’m sorry,” I said bitingly, as I wondered just how much more I could hate myself.

“Hina… oh Hina, you don’t have to apologise.”

Yua cried as she pulled me from dad and into her arms. I hugged her back tightly, my selfishness not stopping even now. I still couldn’t bring myself to calmly execute them like I had been ordered to, even when Taichi and Tsukiya’s lives were on the line. I had no right to screw that up too. I pulled away and forced a smile that felt utterly disgusting and revolting.

“I-ah… I’m sorry about that,” I mumbled. “L-Let’s just eat ok.”

It didn’t escape my notice that they sent each other worried glances. I went to the kitchen and shovelled in the food into the bowls before pausing at Yua’s. I was told to put the poison here, then to do my level best to make it all look like she had a mental breakdown. I pulled out the veil and dropped it into the bowl numbly. It was like I was fluctuating from feeling absolutely nothing, to feeling everything all at once. Now the ice-cold numbness had taken over, and to my absolute horror, it didn’t leave, not when I sat at the table and put her plate in front of her.

“You made food?” Taichi asked, carrying Tsukiya in his arms.

I simply nodded. To my surprise Yua turned to Taichi and shook her head at him. “Taichi, I think you should go upstairs tonight. We want to discuss something with Hina. Here take a bowl before you go.”

Yua sent me a look that asked silently if it was safe, and I blinked in surprise before nodding. She handed the bowl over to Taichi, who looked at us, frowned in some understanding that things weren’t ok, before he conceded.

“…Okay kaasan,” he said unsurely, sending her a look before leaving.

We sat in tense silence until we heard his door close, and then Yua’s green eyes turned to me… with understanding. I blinked back in shock when she reached over and put a hand on mine. I flinched back at the hand coming at me before forcing myself to stay still. I had no right to react like that to them, not when I was going to kill them.

“Hina… I understand.”

I didn’t reply. How could she understand? She knew nothing. She knew nothing of the horrible act I was going to commit today.

“You’re going to kill us.”

I froze.

“What? Yua, I don’t think you should accuse—” dad began, but Yua cut him mid-way, her eyes never leaving me, never wavering.

“It’s true isn’t it,” Yua said looking at me with absolute certainty.

How did she… how did she know? I was more surprised when she came over and pulled me into a hug. Why was she not running away? Why?

“How did you know?” I asked.

“Hina—no…” dad whispered.

He slumped back into his chair and took in a deep shuddering breath. Mom didn’t let go of me, and I was pathetic enough to hold onto her desperately despite knowing what I was going to do. Her warm fingers stroked through my hair, and down my scalp gently, and it hurt, hurt more than any wound.

“I always knew. The day you mouthed ‘shinobi listening’ I knew our time was short. The shinobi world is dark and dangerous, and I failed as a mother for being unable to keep you out of it, just like I failed my aneki.”

“Hina,” I whispered in realisation.

That day when mom called out in panic that she had ‘failed Hina again’, I thought she had gone slightly mad from paranoia. She hadn’t. She had recalled her aneki. A sister I had never heard about, I realised.

“My aneki wasn’t as physically strong a shinobi like you. She was an infiltration specialist, barely scraping by to get a position as a Chunin, and she was good at what she did, but she knew too much.”

Mom’s voice cracked at the end and I clung onto her tighter. They had killed her, hadn’t they? Executed their own shinobi to keep whatever secrets they had. What was it that she found out that warranted such drastic measures? Was this why mom was always against shinobi? I didn’t need to ask to get my answer. I understood now, understood why Yua always looked down on shinobi, why she was so afraid of me taking this path. I had been so foolish. So foolish to not take her advice.

“I-I failed you,” I whispered numbly.

“No Hina, if anything we did.”

I blinked up in disbelief as mom smiled sadly at me. Her expression turned worried and I knew I didn’t deserve this level of love from her or dad. I couldn’t stop them from hugging me though, couldn’t help the prickle of pain I felt when I took in their scent knowing it was the last time.

“Hina, I need to know… have they ordered you to kill Taichi and Tsukiya?” dad asked, voice cold.

“No, just you two,” I whispered, looking at him warily.

He _smiled_ in clear relief. I felt my hands shake, and then he held them in his own, engulfing them, and I was once again reminded how small I was. I looked up into his kind, tired brown eyes, and they had not a single ounce of fear, just protectiveness.

“You didn’t fail Hina,” he said emphasising each word as if it were more important than any treasure. “I know you. You would do anything else if you could, and you would rather die than fail to protect your family, because that’s who you are. I know you don’t have a choice, and that you’re doing this to protect your brothers. We love you.”

Mom continued before I could speak. “You didn’t fail Hina. Today, we simply have to do _our_ duty. You put your life on the line for us time and time again, and I ran away like a coward. Today we are going to go through with whatever plan you have been ordered to carry out.”

I didn’t expect this. I just nodded and went back to sit down on my seat, and so did they. The food in front of them looked like a death sentence. A last meal. They had so entirely disregarded all my failures and told me they loved me anyway, and I had no words to give them, because it didn’t change anything. I was still going to kill them. I was still going to fail either way. Their willingness to die for my failures hurt more than their ignorance would have.

I explained the plan, coldly, methodically and without any infliction in my voice, because I didn’t doubt if there was even a hint of emotion in my voice, that I would crack and run away. I noted how their eyes were still determined, but how they paled, and their hands shook from instinctual fear. There was none of the satisfaction that came from earning that reaction from a battle here. Just shame.

“We—we will do this,” dad said, taking in a deep breath. “Hina, I know this is unfair of us to ask of you but take care of your brothers.”

They were… trusting me despite all this. I nodded, looking down. How exactly did anyone say their last words, a goodbye to their own parents, when they were the ones killing them? I pocketed my shaking hands and took in a deep breath preparing myself.

“I will with my life,” I said.

“It’s unfair that you have to be strong Hina,” mom said looking down with anger. “It’s unfair, but I know you can do it ok. You’re the strongest person I know.”

 _I’m not strong_.

If I was truly strong then this wouldn’t be happening. I was weak, pathetic, and a failure. I thought I could change, be better, and now I was proven that nothing could fix someone like me. But, my self-hate, my useless weak self, was the only one between Danzo and the rest of my family. I was the only one who could do anything, no matter how limited, to keep them from my brothers. This thought firmly planted me in place. 

I watched as dad put a hand on mom’s and they took in deep fearful breaths. I watched as they both began eating their meals. The moment Yua had taken a bite of her poisoned food, I knew it was done. There was no turning back. Dad put a hand on mine and I began eating too, chewing the food that tasted like blood. I looked up to see mom’s hands shaking and dad’s feet tapping the floor. They were trying to be brave, but they were scared, and yet they were still comforting me.

“How long before the… poison takes effect?” mom asked.

“5 minutes,” I whispered.

“I-I’ll take the kitchen knife and stab you Nori—but I’m sorry if it’s not clean,” she said shuddering.

It was painful to hear her discuss this. I wondered briefly if this was how Itachi would feel. This warring mixture of fear, despair, and hatred. I had messed things up so much I had forced my own parents to commit suicide. Now they were discussing killing each other because of me. A bubble of hysterical laughter nearly ripped from my throat, but I held down the ugly bubbling emotion inside of me that didn’t make any sense.

“Don’t you dare blame yourself Hina,” dad said, narrowing his eyes at me, before he blinked back tears. “This is some good fried rice.”

“It is good,” mom agreed, her breathing a little more ragged, and her skin perspiring more.

It was taking affect. I couldn’t bring myself to eat anymore. Not today. I put down my chopsticks and felt betrayed by my body when the tears sprung from my eyes again. On and off, the emotions came and disappeared. I felt like I was going insane.

Mom jolted up off her seat, hands moving to her neck to scratch her skin harder than she would, her pupils dilated. She shakily walked over to the kitchen and pulled out a sharp knife, and I watched numbly as it shook in her hands.

“I-I’m sorry Nori,” she said, voice barely a whisper.

“It’s ok. Do it, now while you can think.”

Dad got up and so did I. He walked over to the kitchen and pulled mom into a hug. My heart twisted. They pulled each other into an embrace, and I walked over hesitantly. Mom’s hands were shaking. This was my fault. I gripped her wrist, the one with the blade and she jerked, her breathing heavy. She was slowly devolving into a state of paranoia and fear. Her body would register us as risks. I didn’t stop even when she pulled the knife my way out of sheer instinct. I gripped her hand tightly before it could stab me, and her eyes widened in shock as she realised what she was about to do. I didn’t waver, not when I had no right to.

“I-I will direct the blow,” I said, voice so even it surprised even me. “I will make it quick.”

“You don’t have to Hina,” dad said, looking heartbroken.

“I do… I have to.”

I could do this one thing. I could make their deaths as painless as possible. A small mercy for the things I did to them. I gripped her wrist a little tighter and put it right above dad’s heart. Here… a quick death, but not one so unrealistic that a civilian couldn’t have chosen it. Not the fastest way to kill someone, but faster than most. It surprised me how logical and cold I was being right now.

“Do it now Yua. I—I love you. I love both of you with all my heart,” he said, tears now readily flowing from his heart.

The smile he gave us made me realise just how brave he was. He was about to die, and he looked like the picture of strength. I had never felt such a deep respect for anyone in my life.

I don’t know how mom was fighting the effects of the poison, but she was stronger willed than I imagined. Even now she hadn’t pushed in the knife. I would have to do it. I felt the bile rise to my throat but held it back. Before she could say another word, back out, or fall to her base instincts, I pushed the knife in. The sick crack of bone and muscle rung loudly in my ears, and I felt as dad dropped to the ground, his heart giving out after a few seconds… then death.

Mom dropped the knife and stared at her hands in horror. Her face was sweating more than usual when she let out a blood curdling cry. I jumped back purely out of instinct as she lunged at me. The poison had worked its effects. She had lost her inhibitions and her adrenaline had spiked. Taichi would come out soon… and he would witness mom attacking me, and I would kill her.

Taichi did rush into the room. Just like I had known he would after having heard mom’s scream. His gaze fell onto dad and he froze, eyes going wide in shock. Mom noticed him and changed her attention from me to him, rushing at him. I tackled her easily from the side and watched as she cracked her back into the wall. Right now this wasn’t my mother, this might as well be a rabid animal. She lunged wildly at me again but this time I knew I should end this… her misery.

 _Tiger_ → _Hare_ → _Dragon_

“Wind Release: Wind Blade,” I whispered before creating a blade of wind around my hand and stabbing it straight into her chest.

It felt like the world had stopped. The wet warmth around my arm snapped me back to reality and it dawned on me that I had impaled my own mother. My fingers shook in terror as I pulled out and caught her before she dropped. Her eyes caught mine, and her breathing quickened as she _smiled._ She put a warm blood-stained hand on my cheek before she whispered her final words.

“Hina, let this go. P-please let this go. P-promise me.”

Her hand dropped and I watched the last bit of light fade from her eyes. The pain was so incredible that I had to stop feeling it to keep my sanity. I held her body and listened numbly to the chilling scream ripped from my brother’s throat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg this chapter was a roller coaster of emotions! First bit of major character deaths. Also the climax of Hina's tragic backstory ToT Although it's definitely not the end of her battle with Danzo. Hope you enjoyed this artwork. It hurt me to draw but apparently I'm a masochist. XD


	32. Chapter 32

There wasn’t any time to grieve. Not when the Uchiha police force had rushed in after neighbours reported screaming, not when Taichi was crying on the bodies of his dead parents, not when I was holding Tsukiya who was never going to see his parents growing up. I had no time for my insignificant feelings. Dad had asked me to take care of my brothers as his final wish. They had died to protect Taichi and Tsukiya and I had no right to shut down, not right to cry, and so I didn’t.

“You’re saying your mother stabbed your father and jumped at you with the intention to kill,” the Uchiha repeated in disbelief.

I nodded numbly, my eyes trailing to the blood on my hands. I could see my neighbours coming out of their houses, all whispering about murder and shinobi. I looked back at the Uchiha and noted the worried look he was giving me.

“Your shinobi id,” he said.

I fished out my id and handed it to him. He looked at it and nodded before pocketing it. I was no doubt going to be suspended from active duty until this was sorted. I reasoned numbly that Danzo would cover up whatever went on here with no traces back to him or me. Yua would die, being remembered as a clinically insane woman who snapped and killed her own husband before having her daughter murder her.

“It is customary practice that we investigate the crime scene immediately. You will be taken to an interrogation room for your involvement in the murder of a civilian and tried by the Shinobi code.”

I felt my nerves spike as I looked back at my house in worry. I deserved to be tortured, to have all the harsh unforgiving questions asked to me, but not… not Taichi.

“Please… don’t ask Taichi anything tonight. He’s just… he’s just a kid. Let me take my brothers somewhere safe for tonight and I’ll tell you everything.”

The Uchiha sighed, rubbing his neck before nodding. “We’re not so cruel to interrogate your civilian brothers. Is there a next of kin they can visit?”

I nodded, but the frown that took my face was noted. We were the branch family in a line of civilian families that hailed from merchants. If things went by proper procedure, Taichi and Tsukiya would be under Cousin Matsu’s roof tonight, and his mother was a particularly vindictive woman who didn’t like how we borrowed money from them in the past, and how we were now more well off. If Taichi stayed with her tonight, she could hurt him further.

“I won’t ask for anything else, but can I ask that they be transferred under Nara Hanami’s care for now,” I asked, a hint of desperation edging my voice and making it sound younger than normal.

“A Nara… well ok. We’ll contact her, and if she agrees I won’t be averse to it. Is there any reason why?”

“My extended family have some issues with us,” I said briefly.

The Uchiha in charge of this mission nodded and left it at that. He probably had no reason to care about civilian feuds, and Nara were well respected members within both the civilian and shinobi circles. Leaving a murder witness with a Nara was the opposite of suspicious.

“Go be with your brothers. I will come pick you up in a bit.”

I nodded dazedly. This felt more like I was living a fever dream. The world was fuzzy around the edges, and it felt surreal. I walked slowly to where Taichi was and saw his crying form. He was staring at the ground, body shivering in the cold wind as tears spilt from his eyes. I reached out to put a hand on his shoulder and he jerked, slapping my hands away. His brown eyes turned to look at me before it twisted into pain and sadness.

“Y-You! You killed kaasan!”

That’s right. I had no right to touch him with these blood-stained hands. I looked at my fingers, still caked in her blood. The red marred up my skin, all the way to my forearm, and I noticed with building apathy that my fingers were still shaking despite the cold dullness that had settled in place of my grief.

For all the killing my shinobi career had brought me, I had never felt like a murderer until now. The shame cut through even the apathetic coldness. It seemed at each turn I was reminded of my failure. I stood by my brother at arm’s length, keeping an eye on him and Tsukiya in silence. Why were they keeping him out in front of his house right after a murder? Weren’t there better protocols in this world? Who was I kidding? This was Konoha, a shinobi village who churned out _five-year-old_ child soldiers. Why would keeping the civilians psychologically unharmed after a simple murder cross their minds?

Eventually a familiar figure did come, rushing through the red tape put around our house by the Uchiha police. I barely even reacted when Hanami hobbled to me, dressed in her night robes and no cane in sight. She pulled me into a hug, but I didn’t have the energy to hug back. She pulled away after making a sound of worried relief, and then her eyes checked me over hurriedly, falling on my blood caked hands.

“Hina—”

She was lost for words. I didn’t know what to say either, so I just decided to focus on the important things.

“Can I ask you to house Taichi and Tsukiya for a while?” I asked, surprised at how normal my voice sounded.

“Of course! I’ll take you too,” she said frowning.

The Uchiha sighed behind her. “Look, we can’t allow that. It’s standard procedure—”

“—Standard procedure my ass! Can’t you see she’s been through enough? You’re going to interrogate a scared little girl?!”

The Uchiha let out an irked expression, taking a step back from Hanami, who was so clearly terrifying right now. I held out my hand and stopped her. People were looking at us, beyond the red line that seemed to separate me from the world. It wouldn’t last long. I knew eventually the whispers would get to me beyond this metaphorical and physical tape.

“It’s ok Hanami-san,” I said, pulling her back. “Just take care of my brothers. I am ok.”

“Hina—you don’t have to be strong, not today.”

_Strong?_

I couldn’t help the bitter chuckle that escaped my throat at that.

I turned to the Uchiha and he caught my expression. It was time to leave. I would likely be interrogated by Danzo’s agents. They had probably slotted themselves into the police system too. It felt like his touch had lingered on my skin, their hands coming down on my head, stroking through my scalp possessively. I could feel that gentle stroke turn into a hard grip, my feet tapering off the ground as they held me up in a clear sign of ownership. My hands twitched to my head and I forced it back down.

In front of me was the red tape, the tape that held me back from the rest of the world, and I knew I would have to cross it. Even now it looked at me like an unforgiving omen. I pulled it up and ducked through easily, and to the outside world I was like a calm pond, but only I knew the hurricane inside.

* * *

3 Days Later~

I had been cleared of all charges, and it felt impossibly unfair. I had selfishly hoped that someone would notice the poison in mom’s bowl, or the oddness of her sudden snap to ‘insanity’. I had hoped beyond reason that by some miracle someone would catch on that I had murdered them. Yet I knew the poison would not be so easily traceable, and that Danzo would have plants to testify of Yua’s psychological break.

I had never before wanted to throw myself so willingly into T&I so I could get my due justice. Yet none of that happened. The powers at play had far reaching roots into every corner of Konoha. I was one insignificant part, and I knew that my life, now marked by such indomitable shame, was something I was not allowed to throw away so selfishly. I was tethered to family despite failing them so horribly, and it was no small comfort that I reminded myself the look of absolute hatred in Taichi’s eyes when he looked at me, because I deserved it.

“You’ve been cleared to leave. Here’s your id, and your proof of leave.”

One week. They had given me a week to grieve and prepare a funeral. I took the scroll and felt like it was a rather cruel thing to give someone. A week was too long. Had I had it my way, I would have taken to a mission sooner. To be left alone in your thoughts for that long was a fitting punishment, however.

I took my id and my bundled up bloodied clothes in an airtight plastic bag… after all what use would they have to keep the evidence for a civilian murder? It was as inconsequential as murders came, especially in the thick of war. I took it and promptly threw it in the trash can near the desk and the Uchiha looked rather annoyed. I didn’t respond, just bowed politely before leaving the station. I straightened out my plain grey shirt and shorts, handed to me by the police force and stepped out into the sun for the first time in three days. I turned out of the precinct to see Sensei and Nami by the wall opposite to me. I blinked in surprise.

“Hina,” he said with abated breath, before approaching me carefully.

I didn’t move, didn’t know what to do. I kept still even when he knelt down and pulled me into a hug, even when Yama whined and rubbed against me hoping for a touch of reassurance. I just stared ahead in complete stillness; afraid one single move would cost me my composure. Thankfully, he pulled away, leaving the lingering and painful comfort of his warmth. Brown eyes looked at me in worry, and Nami put a hand on my shoulder and squeezed in reassurance, but it felt oddly empty.

“We were worried about you kiddo. They wouldn’t let us see you or know what happened…”

I looked down at my hands in sudden shame. He didn’t know. If he did, would he hate me? I noticed my hands were trembling once more and I quickly shoved them into my pocket before looking up at the sky. I didn’t want to talk to sensei. I didn’t deserve any such kindness or understanding on his part. If he knew, and if he finally saw how disgusting I was, then maybe I would get the treatment I deserved.

“I murdered my mother,” I said holding out my hand, which had stopped trembling.

Sensei’s eyes widened and Nami brought a hand to her mouth. I looked straight into their eyes, reading their expressions, hoping for disapproval and disgust. Nothing came, just a confused sort of concern.

“Hina, I know you. You wouldn’t—not without reason,” Gaku said.

I shook my head in a spark of irrational anger. “I _murdered_ her. Don’t you see? I killed my own mother, and I’m out here in the sun. I—I need… sorry, but I need to go.”

I murdered my dad too! I forced a knife into his chest. My loving, strong, father. My heart stuttered a beat, feeling almost like someone was clawing at it. Nami’s worried, yet tough concern ripped me from my sudden spike of emotion.

“And what are you going to do huh kid?” Nami asked surprisingly harsh, as she folded her arms and glared. “Are you going to fall into a pit of self-hate because I know that look anywhere. Are you going to leave the rest of your family and friend’s behind? You have a thing coming if you think the rest of us are just going to stay back and let you go through this alone.”

When her expression softened and she took a step forward, I almost instinctually took a step back. I didn’t want anyone touching me, not now. I didn’t want them to be kind hands. Not the warm pull of an embrace. I looked down at my hands and I knew logically it was clean, but it felt like the blood was still there. I could still smell it, seeping into my skin, and marking me forever with the smell of iron.

“Please don’t touch me,” I said, voice cold even to my ears. “I ask respectfully that you keep your distance for a while. The… funeral should be arranged by the end of this week. I will see you then.”

“Hina… please don’t go through this alone.”

I looked at sensei and a part of me was tempted to just throw myself into his protective embrace, to bury my head into his chest and be so completely open with him. I threw that part of me away. I killed my own family, stabbed my father in the heart, ripped into my mother’s chest and it was shameful that I even briefly considered I deserved to be held so lovingly. After killing my own blood… what was more shameful than that?

“I… I’m sorry.”

I truly was, for putting that expression on his face. Sensei had become family, and now he was in danger because of me. I knew what needed to be done, to keep him safe, to keep my brothers safe. I would never truly belong to Danzo. I knew he figured out what kind of person I was. He knew I was the kind of person to value my bonds, and he had used it against me. He had taken my parents out of the picture as a _warning_. The thought made a deep sense of dread coagulate in the pit of my stomach. A warning was enough for him to break me entirely. If he wanted, he could kill of the remainder of my family and I would be left with absolutely _nothing_. If I ever stopped being useful, I knew what fate my brothers had.

There was no time to grieve. Not now. And as I walked away from sensei, I knew today was the day I cut of my ties with him.

* * *

I went back home and didn’t stop to hear the whispers of murderer. The theories that I had planned their murder, and theories that Yua was secretly an enemy spy who tried to kill me. It got more and more ridiculous. They got one thing right though. Kinslayer they had called me. I didn’t disagree.

While it was easy to throw suspicion onto Yua’s mental health for the shinobi to buy, considering they probably cared little about how a baker and his wife died in the first place, it was a lot harder to convince the general civilian population that nothing shady had happened. Everyone here knew Yua and Noritaka, they knew their character and their relationships, and as much as Yua was paranoid, she was never psychotic or unusual in any way. The only odd one in this rather calm and peaceful family had been me, the only daughter, and a prodigy shinobi. The civilians had thought me odd, but they respected me. Majority of the civilians didn’t understand secretive shinobi, but they knew enough of their strength and skill to know when to afford deference. So I was respected and avoided… which I didn’t mind at all.

I entered the empty bakery. It didn’t smell like freshly baked bread anymore, just the stench of death lingered here now. None of the usual bread was put out, and all the chairs had been stacked, leaving it to look rather lifeless. I walked up the stairs to our house, opened the door and entered into the lounge before looking at the kitchen. The blood was still on the floor. I walked over and knelt down by the tiles and put a hand on the stain. Dad’s lifeless body flashed through my mind and I jerked away. I just… I just needed to clean it up.

I got about putting on gloves and bringing in the necessary chemicals to pull out the blood. It had congealed and stained the ground, but thankfully after a few hours of scrubbing, it was coming off. Once all the blood had been cleaned, I took the red stained cloth and washed it out and put it out to dry. Then I walked into the house and cleaned up the plates of fried rice that was still out on the dining table. My attention turned to the crack on the wall where I had thrown Yua.

“I can’t fix that,” I mumbled before turning away.

Then I scrubbed my hands. I took the soap and went particularly hard on my fingers, cleaning in-between the nails, and around the tips, and then I didn’t stop. I was so lost in the motion that it was only when the water trickled to a stop, that I realised I had been washing my hands for a near constant hour, and my skin had pruned and started to bleed. I was trying to get the blood off, and I had just bloodied my hands further. I felt a strained chuckle leave my throat, before I devolved into a fit of laughter and fell to the floor, putting my head on the cold tiles. I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, I wanted to do something, but all I could do was laugh, a pitiful laugh, before the hysteria died down and I was left with the aching emptiness in my chest.

I moved to the bottom cabinet and pulled out the bottle of sake dad kept there. They were dead now. Not like they were going to drink it. I hadn’t afforded myself any alcohol in this life. I hadn’t needed to before. I drank casually in my previous life, at events and functions and sometimes at date nights with Cat. It felt like a weakness to drink to forget, but somehow it didn’t sound so bad anymore. This once I would allow myself a little, so I could get through the day.

This sight must have been an odd one: a small child sitting at a table alone, swirling some sake in a cup out of nostalgias sake. It wasn’t exactly wine now was it. I let out a sigh before bringing the cup to my lips. The first swing had been refreshing. A nice burn through my throat. The rest went down equally as easily. I put down the empty cup and felt it kick in. In this small body, I didn’t require much. Not five minutes and I felt my shoulders relax, and oddly I could think. I took out a notebook from the shelf and began thinking of what to write.

“Taichi and Tsukiya need you,” I reminded myself. “You can’t act like this in front of them. You’ve cleaned the house. They can come back now. You can protect them… you just have to let go from now on and focus only on the necessary things. Keep it together. Don’t cry, don’t be overcome with emotion, act rationally.”

I took out my pen and put it to the notepad. Time to make a list.

“There won’t be any income but yours now. There’s the family reserves that dad left for emergencies. It could cover the cost of a basic funeral and a few weeks of basics. Taichi will need time to grieve, so the bakery won’t start up again for a while. You’ll need to take missions. It will be hard, but you could afford a proper education for your brother now that the bakery won’t be running for a while. If he wants to continue baking, then you could still fund that anyway. You’ll probably have to hire a nanny for Tsukiya, and that might make a dent in your funds, but that’s ok. Just cut down on all the sweets you indulge on. Just get off your ass and do what’s necessary.”

I got up, ignoring the tiredness in my bones. Then I got about planning how to conduct a funeral. I’d need some advice, and maybe I’d need to visit some places. Then I’d ask if Taichi and Tsukiya could stay with Hanami for a bit longer, even if it’s the most selfish thing I could ask for. I could use this week to plan and prepare, and then I would work Orochimaru. A full-time apprenticeship.

It once again reminded me of the most painful thing I would have to do. I would have to tell sensei that I chose to study with Orochimaru entirely from now on. If I couldn’t do anything against Danzo, then I would make sure he had no reason to go after the people I cared about. It hurt to know I wouldn’t be training with him in the future, have Yama jump on my back out of nowhere, eat chocolate nama cakes with him or to have a ride on his unreasonably comfortable shoulder. I wondered when my life had become a tragedy… had it been the day I died or the day I was reborn?

I sighed. I shouldn’t be so caught up in my own thoughts. I had work to do after all. Before I did that, I could do with one more cup of sake.

* * *

Planning a funeral was surprisingly easy work, especially with Hanami helping. I didn’t remember it being so easy in my previous life, although I only had a brief recollection of what my parents when through in organising the events for my cousin’s funeral. I had been too pathetic and out of it to really do much other than cry. I had come a long way since then, but clearly not long enough.

The day was rather mild in weather, despite being chilly. The cold was oddly comforting, in that it stung, and the pain felt like a welcome distraction. I put on my black dress. It was plain as a funeral dress would come, just ending above my knees. I kept a few kunai hidden by my thighs out of a wilful need to be reassured despite it being rude to take to a funeral. I put my green hair in a tight bun before walking into the room where Hanami was sitting and holding Tsukiya. She was staring at the room beyond, the one Taichi was in, and I sent chakra to my ears to hear his small sniffles. He was only 10, and he had witnessed the murder of his parents at the hand of his own little sister. I wondered just how much I had scarred him, and the thought made me itch my neck in a bid to get myself to breathe again.

“Are you ready?” Hanami asked.

I looked around the house where I had practically grown up. I had come out of the room where I had been raised, away from a family, that I had taken the moment I put myself in. I looked at Hanami’s chocolate brown eyes full of worry and nodded impassively. I was never ready… not when it mattered.

“I’ll get Taichi.”

I walked over to his room and knocked. The sniffles didn’t stop, and I decided to open the door, knowing I wouldn’t get a response. I noted he was sitting behind the bed, putting the wall and the mattress between him so as to push himself into the tightest corner of the room. I walked over tentatively in his direction before kneeling a good meter away from him, unsure if he would allow me to touch him. He sniffled some more, head still buried in his pants, unwilling to look up. I held out a handout of reflex to comfort. I’d never been good with words in these kinds of situations. But I couldn’t touch him. Not with my blood-stained hands.

“Taichi, we’re going to be leaving soon or we’ll be late,” I said softly.

He just shuffled and buried his face deeper. I knew I would normally panic, unsure of what to do, but the uncertainty just left me oddly quiet. He eventually looked up, almost like he had expected me to say more… maybe to convince him to come.

“I-I don’t want to go,” he whispered, voice choking.

“Why?” I asked, trying to be gentle in my prodding.

He looked away and wiped his nose before answering, “It feels like—l-like they’ll really be gone. T-Then you’ll go too w-won’t you?”

I winced.

“No,” I said, my voice cracking with emotion for the first time in a week. “I won’t go. I won’t ever leave, even if you hate me forever. It’s ok you know… to hate me. Please just come today. If you don’t you might regret it forever.”

Taichi took a deep breath before he nodded, then he wiped away his tears before looking up at me. I hesitantly held out my hand for him to take, but he gave it one horrified look before using the bed as leverage instead. I pulled my hands back and ignored the pain. I deserved that.

I kept a good meter distance from my brother, just close enough for comfort, but not enough to make him uncomfortable. We walked solemnly to the grave site beyond the Hokage Mountain. I noticed another funeral nearby. It was basic. Just a picture of the dead by a gravestone, and some people by it reciting a memorial. I didn’t know what to say. To everyone there, my mother had murdered my father, but I knew that she was a hero. She didn’t deserve to be remembered that way.

When I reached the graves, the ground pulled down cleanly with an earth jutsu, I felt for the first time, the numbness recede slightly. It was replaced by an itching pain, and I brought my hands up to my neck, desperate to scratch, but forced it down. It wouldn’t do to develop a nervous tic as a shinobi.

My attention quickly turned to the people present that I knew. Kakashi, Guy, Shisui, Hayate, Yugao, Kurenai, Asuma, Rin, Obito, Choto, Shikaku, Nami, Yama, Gaku and then finally my eyes landed on Orochimaru. My extended family was also here, and they gave Taichi some quick condolences, before hesitantly offering me the same. I wondered briefly if I had failed more than just my family, but also everyone here. I ignored the subtle grin Orochimaru gave my way before I turned back to the graves. Taichi was clinging to Hanami like she was a lifeline, and the woman had her handful with both my brothers. It seemed they were in better hands. I turned back to the funeral. Normally it was left to the oldest child or brother to read out a eulogy, but my family were reluctant to say any speeches considering the nature of how they died. I wouldn’t let Taichi prepare a speech because he didn’t deserve to go through that, and so it was left to me.

Me… the person who had killed them.

An unwelcome bubble of hysterical laughter nearly took my throat, but I forced it down. That would be rude and alarming and entirely disrespectful during a funeral. I instead drew my face into a cold, impassive look as I stepped forward. I couldn’t even feel the tears brimming behind my eyes like I expected it would. I was left standing in front of the crowd of people, all their familiar faces sending me looks of pity and sympathy and I hated it. I didn’t deserve to be worried over. Only hated. At least Orochimaru’s hidden amusement at my grief was something I could latch onto. He was the only one who saw just how ugly of a person I was.

I realised that I had been silent for a whole minute while everyone was waiting for me. I stood forward slowly before taking one long look at the coffins. Then I opened my mouth and spoke, and my words came out dry and rehearsed and so much like the ROOT agents lack of intonation that I had hated so much. Now I wondered if they really were emotionless, or if it was just a defensive front they put up to hide the absolute agony they were in.

“My parents were respectable people. Tousan was hardworking and loving. Kaasan was always there ready to take care of us, to keep us safe.”

I noted the looks of mild confusion. No doubt some of them thought I would leave out the parts involving Yua. I almost wanted to not say anything at all. I had no right to speak on their behalf after killing them, but I continued anyway, because I refused to let Yua’s memory be tarnished like it had.

“When I was small, I was diagnosed with having too much Yin chakra, and I was taken away to pull up my Yang chakra to par so I wouldn’t die. It pushed me into the life of a shinobi, and kaasan had warned me it would be dangerous. She never stopped worrying. She worried until the end.”

_And she was right to worry. I had been a wilfully ignorant child despite my age and experience and now she was dead because of me._

“Tousan was a hard worker. He made sure to provide for us no matter how hard things got. He wasn’t a prideful man. He was honest and hardworking and did anything to make sure we were happy. He would smile after working for 12 hours every day and take the time to tuck us into bed. These were the kind of people my parents were. They were honourable to the end. They were loving to the end.”

_They killed themselves for you._

I pulled out the omamori my dad had given me. He had said it would repel evil eyes. I felt the cloth around my hand and felt a stab of pain as my hand began to tremble, and I felt the phantom blood linger against my fingers, the scent of iron hitting my nose. I blinked back into reality and noticed I had spaced out for a moment. No one came by to stop me from my faraway thoughts, they just stood by patiently. I didn’t remember what else I had written down and prepared. My thoughts were blanking so I just took the dirt and put it on the coffins, eager to be done with this. Taichi cried a little louder.

I went to stand back by my remaining family, as the doton users covered the rest of the coffin up, sealing them into the earth for good. I stood by numbly. To my surprise I felt Taichi’s soft hands reach out to grip mine as he cried into his forearm. I held back tightly, my lips thinning as I watched the rest of the wood disappear into the dirt.

“I don’t hate you Hi-chan,” he said softly, through tears.

_You should_

“It’s ok to Tai-nii. It’s ok,” I repeated.

“I don’t,” he said firmly before he walked away.

Once he left me, everyone said their condolences. I let them hug me out of courtesy, let them tell me empty platitudes. I just nodded and kept a straight face through it all. My year mates all gave me worried, awkward condolences. They were still children with their parents. They didn’t fully comprehend what death was anyway. Shisui handed me his red scarf and I took it gratefully. He probably noticed my hands absently going to my neck. Guy and Kakashi gave worried hugs.

“I know… I know somewhat… what it feels like,” Kakashi began, too awkward and unsure of himself to give me a proper talk. “Talk to me… if you want ok.”

I nodded. Guy wiped away his tears. He had been crying a lot, maybe even more than Taichi. He pulled me into a hug, and I’d never felt the need to pull away so urgently. He was too kind, too pure for someone like me to touch, and so I tore away a little more abruptly than normal. Thankfully, he didn’t seem to notice. Kakashi did though. He always noticed. His father had committed suicide, and he knew what it felt like to some extent. But he hadn’t been the one to rip his hands through his own mother’s chest, or to push a blade through his father’s heart. If he knew what I had done, he too would hate me. After all I had failed my comrades, and that made me worse than trash didn’t it.

“We’re here for you no matter what Hina-chan!” Guy sniffled.

I nodded, and then Kakashi noticed how Guy was affecting me, so he pulled the boy away much to my relief. I noticed sensei and Nami walk up to me and I wanted to run away. I needed to discuss something with sensei, and I had been holding back. Right now I was feeling that numbness come back and I knew, if I didn’t say it now, that I never would.

“Hina, how are you holding up?” sensei asked.

“I’m ok,” I said a little too indifferently. His concern just grew, and I looked away. “I wanted to tell you something. I… I don’t think I want you to keep being my sensei anymore.”

I memorised the flash of pain in his eyes. I had caused that. I had made him sad. I had hurt him. Despicable little me.

“What are you saying?”

“I want to be fully apprenticed to Orochimaru-sama,” I continued. “It’s nothing personal sensei, but I think it’s obvious who’s stronger. He’ll be more able to make me stronger.”

“And that is what you want… to be stronger?” sensei asked, looking wholly unconvinced.

“Strong enough not to fail as badly as I did last week,” I said a little mutedly. It was half the truth. “I have my brothers to take care of now. I hope you understand.”

“You can make Orochimaru your sensei Hina, but please don’t cut me off,” he said sullenly. “I know what you’re trying to do. You’re trying to go at it alone, to punish yourself, and that’s not going to work.”

Wasn’t that a nice thought. That I was doing this as a way to punish myself. What gave everyone the idea that I was some kind of masochist anyway? I didn’t want to hurt myself. I didn’t want to end this partnership, but if he died on my account, then that would simply stack more guilt onto me. I didn’t need that, and he deserved more. I just had to lie. I was good at that anyway.

“I won’t be alone. I’ll have Orochimaru-sama.”

No support, no love, no ties. Taichi would hate or distance himself from me, Tsukiya would know about what I did eventually, and he too would come to hate me, and Hanami would not have the time to care for me. Sensei was the only adult left in my life who I knew would go so far as to adopt me, and I couldn’t risk it… couldn’t risk _him_. I so desperately wanted to go home with him, rather than to the house where the smell of death lingered, but I knew it was selfish and unreasonable. I was alone and that wasn’t what I wanted by any stretch of the means, but it was what needed to be done, and Suzuki Hina, always did what she needed to do without looking back. I had people left to protect and if I failed again… I didn’t know what would happen, but I didn’t want to find out.

“Don’t think for a second I’ll ever give up on you Hina. I know behind that… indifference, you’re hurting. If you ever change your mind my door will _always_ be open. No matter the day or time or circumstance.”

A flicker of hope sparked inside of me and I snuffed it out. I watched as sensei left. He hadn’t hugged me, and I felt eternally grateful that he didn’t. Nami followed behind him, giving me a concerned look before leaving. The hand on my head made me flinch back, and I turned stiffy to see Orochimaru behind me. His fingers trailed dangerously on my scalp, and I could feel the phantom pain prickle across my skin.

“What a delightful show,” he said. “Very moving indeed. It seemed almost like a tragic play.”

I snapped his hands away and sent him a scathing look.

“Don’t come to a funeral if you’re not going to behave. I think it’s about time you left,” I hissed.

“So mean to your new sensei,” he lamented, his fingers gripping my hair a little tighter.

I ignored the shiver of fear that ran through my spine. Right now it wasn’t me who was treading on rocky ground, it was _him_ for all I cared. I gave him one dark look.

“Take your hands of me. This is my parent’s funeral. You will not _disrespect_ their memory here.”

“My, my, I did so miss this spunk of yours. It’s good to see it back. I would not want a broken toy now would I,” he whispered with a pleased smile.

My anger threatened to boil over, but I was thankfully saved by Shikaku of all people. Almost everyone had said their condolences by now and had gone. Shikaku gave Orochimaru the briefest of nods, his eyes trailing on the now retreating Sannin intelligently. He _knew_ something.

“My condolences Hina-chan,” he said.

“Thank you, Shikaku-san,” I replied absently.

Empty platitudes. A sorry couldn’t bring them back. A sorry couldn’t make any of this better.

“You know I found out that you were going to get another A rank mission,” he said catching my attention. “Another long-term trip with an interim Jounin. It’s odd that they’d send a child without their designated Jounin sensei wouldn’t you say.”

My heart skipped a beat. I had to stop myself from snapping my head in his direction and giving him a wide berth. Instead I simply looked at the grave site and pulled my lips into a thin line. Was I overthinking, or was Shikaku still looking into things? Did he find out about ROOT? What was this about a long-term mission? Was this ROOT assigned?

“One can never be too _careful_ during any mission,” I said pointedly.

He glanced my way. “You’re talking to the Jounin commander kid. I’ll have you know I’m always careful.”

He was right. Who the heck was I to tell him to be safe? If anyone was qualified to take down ROOT it was Shikaku. I doubt he’d have much of any kind of progress in that front with how far reaching Danzo’s influence and security systems went, but the biggest roadblock of all was actually the Hokage. As much as I respected the military dictator for even keeping Konoha afloat in this mess of a war, he was absolutely too kind-hearted, or rather weak-willed, to be the Hokage. Any military dictator who wilfully let anyone, friend or not, create a separate army under his nose, didn’t deserve to be in power in my esteemed opinion. If only because it was absolutely the best way to get back stabbed in the future.

“I’ll be going on more of those missions soon,” I said, hoping me trying to be vague and cryptic wasn’t being too ambiguous. “You know how A ranks are; it’s so hard to tell anyone about them.”

Shikaku’s eyes shot up a little wider for a second, before his face went back to being as passive as it was before. He had caught on then, that I physically could not tell him.

“I think I bit my tongue this morning,” I mused. “It hurts a lot. I’d say it’s a bad omen for more missions.”

Was I laying it on too thick? My seal was beginning to hurt. I wondered with muted horror, whether the seal pinged a message to Danzo when it activated. Would he know I was trying something? So I decided to end testing the limits of the seal here. Just the thought that Shikaku was looking into things was a huge relief. He was too politically powerful to be defeated without a fight, but I wasn’t so sure I could help. My parent’s graves were a testament to that.

“I’m truly sorry about your loss Hina,” Shikaku said, placing a placating hand on my shoulder before his eyes took on an angry note. I was mildly surprised, but I should have known he’d figure out their murders were related to ROOT. Danzo had pissed him off. I could only hope this wouldn’t drag the rest of my family into any sort of mess.

“I probably won’t be around to help you unfortunately.”

It would be suspicious if he did, and that suspicion would then fall on me. He knew what I had left to lose so he was staying away. I nodded gratefully. He could have, with his power, demanded that I help him as a spy in ROOT, but he hadn’t asked. I knew I could be instrumental to taking them down had he asked, but it was too risky. I wasn’t a valuable enough asset to let stay alive should I be potentially mouthing off to Shikaku. For now just giving him the concrete knowledge that ROOT existed, and there were seals on our tongues was enough.

I looked back at Taichi. His face was tear stained. His brown eyes rimmed red from crying. He looked weak and tired and I wanted to hug him. I stopped myself. Hanami looked at me and I shook my head. I needed some more time. I lingered by the graves, until everyone had well and truly left and then I knelt by the stone. My trembling hands went to my pockets, and I felt the omamori dad had given me.

“You said it would protect me from evil eyes… why, why did you die then?” I asked, my voice cracking.

I was well and truly alone now.

_Alone_

And it _hurt_. I had pushed away everyone I cared about. I had done what was necessary, so why did this pain hurt worse than any blow? I felt myself double over, my hand gripping the sleek black tombstone in pain. I heard a terrible sound. It sounded like someone in pain. I briefly recognised that it was from me. I felt the wetness against my cheeks. I wondered if I was crying. The pain in my chest was hollow and electric, making me heave, unable to breathe as I wept.

Well and truly alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t mind me here, just you know… ripping apart my own soul writing this ಥ╭╮ಥ


	33. Chapter 33

I was almost remiss to keep Taichi with Hanami. I remembered living in the Nara compound with the woman, and it had been the calmest years of my life here. I almost forgot how much fun it was training here, running laps with Hanami on her trail, playing shogi with the kids and adults and taking long naps under shaded trees. It had been nearly 3 years since I left this place.

"You can come visit whenever ok Taichi. That also goes for you too Hina," Hanami said seriously.

"O-ok! I will," Taichi said softly.

I simply nodded before I put Tsukiya in his stroller and pulled down the shades. As weird as it was, I was legally an adult and so my brothers couldn't be placed in an orphanage and I would have to provide for them. That meant I was the one who would have to deal with all the family ﬁnancial matters. I owned the bakery. It, and everything else was under my name. Of course Taichi only really knew a part of what that implied. Maybe when he grew older, he'd hate me for being the one who got everything... despite killing our parents.

I looked at the baby in the stroller and sighed. I had of course, planned ahead and hired a full-time nanny. I borrowed some money from the Shinobi Reserves Bank under an unreasonable 15 percent interest, but decided it was necessary. I would eventually be pulled into another mission, this time deﬁnitely one that had to do with ROOT and not some nice cosy D ranks. I doubted that even if I wasn't out on missions, that I would be capable of taking care of a baby anyway. I was still short enough to require a stool to even reach the sink, not to mention Taichi was only nearly 11. No kid his age should have to worry about raising a baby on his own.

"Do you think Hanami-chan will visit?" Taichi asked with a sad look.

"She deﬁnitely will. She's busy, but if you ask the hospital really nicely, they'll give you a sheet with her shifts on it," I said giving him a reassuring smile.

Taichi didn't smile back. He was normally a ball of sunshine, but he hadn't cracked a smile since I killed them. He was more subdued now, and I wondered if I should splurge more money and get him to a therapist. I put it down in my mental list of things to do, which was a distraction that kept me from doubling over in self-hate.

"Don't be surprised Tai-nii, but I hired a Nanny. She'll be coming over most mornings," I said.

"What? Like every day?" Taichi asked, looking very relieved.

I nodded. "Except for Sunday's. I think you'll have to take over those days if I'm gone. I'm sure she'll show us how to take care of Tsu-chan."

Taichi looked ﬁne until we stopped in front of our house. A few of our neighbours sent us worried looks, and few began to approach when I glared and shook my head at them. I had no idea what they would say, but I didn't want to risk it, not when Taichi was beginning to shake. I vaguely noted that my hands too were shaking. I stopped the tremor and put my hand ﬁrmly on his. To my relief he didn't pull away. He could hate me if it helped him. He could hug me if it comforted him. I didn't care what he did as long as it made him feel better.

"Are you ready?" I asked.

He shook his head as the tears began pooling into his eyes. He blinked rapidly before burying his face into his forearm.

"It's ok to not be ready," I amended. "But it's always best if you confront it now."

"H-how can you be so c-calm," he stuttered, face turning red.

I looked away and opened the door. Calm? Every time I entered this damn building it felt like I was dripping blood. I had stayed here right after getting out of the Uchiha hold, alone and completely at the mercy of the memories this home now drenched in blood I spilt. I was not calm. I was terriﬁed, but Taichi didn't need to know that.

This was all we could afford right now. When I did more missions, when Konoha's economy got good enough for pay rises, then I'd move us somewhere different, and far away. Until then I could only pray that we would get used to it.

"When you're scared Tai-nii, you should take in a deep breath and clear your thoughts. Breathing is the strength to your soul," I said a little bitterly.

And yet I was suffocating. He shakily entered the store behind me and then we made our way to the back door and up the stairs to home. Taichi froze at the door and I stopped to wait for him.

" I-I'm scared," he admitted.

"It's ok to be scared, but you have to be strong... for Tsuki-chan."

"What if I c-can't?"

"Then I will be strong for the both of us," I said ﬁrmly.

I held his hands again and pulled a little. Taichi would need to grow up soon. Too soon. He was still only 11, still only a child, but this world was unforgiving to children, and I refused to let him wilt away to its whims.

We entered a house full of ghosts, and I knew that this was one thing I couldn't do alone. Taichi was family and family looked out for each other. He was just a kid now, but he'd grow up soon, and I'd be there every step of the way.

* * *

We fell into a tentative routine, respectively taking mom and dad's roles around the house. It was that afternoon that the nanny ﬁnally came over. Tsukiya was crying and only really Taichi could calm him down, which was a relief considering I wouldn't be around much soon. I opened the door for the nanny and was surprised to see what looked like a Yamanaka of all people. Her orange-blonde fringe was pointed down the middle of her forehead, and she wore her hair in a tight ponytail to the top of her head. She was wearing a quipao style dress, which reminded me of Sakura's outﬁt except a lot whiter. Her smile was a little blinding, and I wondered if it was the blonde genes in this world that turned people into shining beams of optimism.

"Ah Mebuki-san. It's good to ﬁnally meet you in person," I said bowing slightly.

"So kid, where's the baby bro I heard so much about?" Mebuki asked excitedly.

"This way. Come in," I offered stepping aside and going ahead.

Taichi was in the kitchen taking care of lunch and he perked up to see Mebuki walk in.

"You're the new Nanny?"

"Yeah kid. Seems like I'll be having a helping hand. Cooking at such a young age too! If only my brothers were so mature," she cooed pinching Taichi's cheeks.

I coughed a little to get her attention. I had some papers to ﬁll out, some legalities to take care of too, and I didn't really have the time to spare. I was beginning to remember why being a proper adult was such a pain. Bills, mortgages, expenses and all that fun stuff to take care of on top of shinobi duty should be fun...

"Right, baby," Mebuki said getting back on track.

I nearly sighed and shook my head. I had heard only good things about her so far, and so I saw no reason to reject her offer for a full-time nanny. It was hard to ﬁnd some these days, with all the widowed shinobi running around needing someone to take care of their children.

We entered the baby room and Mebuki cooed at Tsukiya, picking him up with so much gentle ease that it reminded me of mom. I froze for a second before shaking my thoughts.

"So where's your parents? Of on a mission?"

I remembered that I hadn't ﬁlled her in yet. Admits all the sudden workload of things I needed to do; it didn't cross my mind to inform her of our situation. I nearly slapped myself for being so stupid. If she found out what I did and decided she didn't want to stay here, then I'd be short a Nanny for a long time. They were hard to ﬁnd after all.

"Our parents... they recently passed away," I said.

Her dark green eyes went wide, and a hand went to cover her mouth. I would need to look for a backup nanny just in case she found out the truth about the murders and decided to leave.

"Kami, I'm sorry kid... I didn't mean—"

"It's ok," I said quickly.

"If you don't mind me asking... why aren't you three at the orphanage then?"

I remembered that I wasn't wearing my hitaite.

"I'm a Genin," I explained. "Legally I run this house now. I'll be off on missions soon, so I'll be unable to help Taichi with his duties around here."

Mebuki stared at me in complete surprise. I remembered once again that I was still a little kid, and a lot of people who weren't Shinobi weren't really exposed to children under the age of ten going off to war. It looked just as ridiculous to me as it did to them. A bunch of midgets in battle... well it didn't seem like a smart idea, and yet chakra seemed to even the playing ﬁeld, if only slightly. As a normal child this career would be impossible, but with chakra... well it was technically ninja magic for all I cared.

"Ah, that explains things. Your brother isn't—"

"No, he's not a shinobi," I aﬃrmed, before I looked at the clock. "Speaking of which. I need to go run some errands. Can you teach Taichi the basics of taking care of a baby? I won't have the time now to learn too, but I will later."

"Yes of course!"

She followed me out of the room, Tsukiya in hand and I waved at Taichi, before grabbing my things.

"What an odd child..."

I pretended not to hear that. Staying in one place too long, not thinking about things to do, it would draw my attention back from darker thoughts. I just needed to keep busy, needed to focus on the now. 

* * *

I was summoned for the ﬁrst time since that night. I was escorted discreetly into ROOT base and taken deep into the cavern where I knew Danzo waited. I felt my heart thump a little quicker, my breaths a little faster and I realised that I was terriﬁed, not of what he could do to me physically, but of what he could do to the remainder of my family and my sanity. I felt sick as I entered into his room and bowed on one knee, ﬁst on the ground. The man who had pushed me to kill my own parents and here I was prostrating myself in front of him. It was painful.

"Utsuro," he greeted.

 _Hollow._ Maybe it wasn't just a tactic to dehumanize, but a goal he set about to accomplish. Maybe it was an omen of what was to come by his hands. Had he meant to hollow me out from the start, to take everything I was inside and destroy it? Was that why he had named me as such?

"Danzo-sama," I said, my voice lacking inﬂiction.

"Your weakness was reported. It seemed Yua and Noritaka agreed to their mutual suicide. Your task was to kill them discreetly, not to inform them of events, but I'll let it slide as the task was completed. In the future I will expect no such weakness."

"Yes Danzo-sama," I said, biting my tongue.

"You have done the right thing to let go of your Jounin sensei. Involving him would have made things messy. I did not want to dispose of a village asset, especially a Jounin, but now there is no need. We can start your training here in ROOT proper."

I felt my muscles seize and my breath hitch slightly. Any form of ROOT training was no doubt going to be torturous. They trained ruthless child soldiers, and even adults in ANBU level exercises. It would make me stronger, I reasoned, and therefore more valuable. If I could just reach beyond the level of the best, then maybe I could overcome this iron wall. It was still scary though. I remembered being so ruthlessly beaten down with the other children, our bones broken, and our limbs twisted and bruised. The hands that came at me that were so unlike the ones from war, so much more painful and unfair in comparison. There was no thrill of battle here, just a resounding fear of pain.

"You will report to the East Gate under the pretence of a long-term mission. Our agents will take you to the training grounds. Pack for 2 months."

I cursed. 2 months... I had just gotten home with Taichi. How... how would he handle being alone in that house at night without me? Even if Mebuki was there in the morning, it would do little to ease my concerns.

"You are dismissed."

"Yes Danzo-sama."

I walked back home as quickly as I could. I was scared. Terriﬁed. It was like I was walking straight into enemy territory tomorrow, dressed up in enemy clothes and pretending to be someone I'm not. I was afraid of what they could do, the feeling of utter powerlessness they seemed so easily to draw from me, that broke my spirit. I opened the door and found myself wishing for dad to hug me. I pawed at the protection omamori in my pocket.

"Hi-chan! Mebuki-san has been teaching me how to bottle feed Tsu-chan," Taichi said waving at me from the couch.

I nodded, and his expression turned worried. Mebuki turned to me, a quizzical expression on her face again. I held out a scroll in response.

"How... how long?" Taichi asked, his voice cracking.

"2 months," I said stiﬄy. "I'm sorry..."

"Where to?" Taichi prodded.

It was technically a long-term B rank to the border post up near Kumo. I had no idea where exactly we were actually going though.

"Border post," I replied slowly.

"Two months... that seems like a long time to just leave," Mebuki cut in wide eyed. "Shouldn't they give you more time— for... you know—"

I wondered if my desperation was showing, but I hoped it wasn't. I just needed to convince Mebuki to stay, even if she found out the truth. Taichi would not be able to take care of himself and Tsukiya without her help. I'd need to pay the water and electricity bills tonight in advance and... Kami, I had a lot to do.

"Don't worry about anything Taichi. I'll sort everything out. Just spend the next two months learning to take care of Tsu-chan."

"But the bakery—"

"I said don't worry," I cut in sharply, before I turned to Mebuki. I gestured for her. "Please can I talk with you privately?"

She nodded, her mouth in a thin line before I took her into a separate room. I closed the door and let out a tired breath.

"Kid, you look like all nerves. Are you ok?"

"Honestly, I'm in a tight spot right now," I admitted. "I wasn't... up front with our personal situation with you."

"I ﬁgured as much," Mebuki huffed. "You two are the strangest clients I've got. Spill, I promise I won't judge."

If only... I didn't want her to leave. If it meant I would have to give her a pay raise or promise her something ridiculous to stay and help while I'm gone, I'd gladly do it.

"My parent's... well my mother snapped. She murdered my father and attacked my brother. I killed her in retaliation."

Saying it so bluntly, watching the woman's face contort in shock and horror, made my blood freeze. I felt the heat of shame threaten to pull me in deep before I centred myself again. I had things to do, my feelings be damned.

"Taichi is not in a sound state of mind, nor is he experienced enough to handle himself for the next two months alone. I'd hoped for a shorter mission maybe, but that isn't what's happening. I need you to help him... please."

"Of course I will!"

The conviction in her eyes caught me off guard. She sniﬄed slightly before wiping away tears and putting on a determined expression. I felt my nerves calm down slightly in relief. She was going to stay and help Taichi with everything... I couldn't be more grateful.

"Kid, you've gone through a lot huh. They shouldn't be throwing you out there like this so soon. Can I hug you?"

"W-what?"

"Come here."

Mebuki got on her knees and took me into a tight embrace. I wrapped my arms around her back awkwardly after realising she wasn't letting go soon. She pulled away before nodding to herself, clearly talking to whoever was in her head.

"Thank you, Mebuki-san... this really is relieving to hear," I said sincerely.

"You care about him a lot huh. So grown up despite only being a kid."

I had lived 35 years before in my previous life, and nearly 7 years in this life. If I wasn't adult-like by now, I'd consider myself a failure, but she didn't know that. I just nodded.

"I'm going to go take care of some urgent tasks again. You probably won't see me again, but thanks. I'll trust them to you... they're all I have left so please take care of them."

I bowed low. Mebuki didn't seem like the kind of woman that took a gesture like this well, but if I could prostrate myself before Danzo, then this is the least I could do for her.

"Hey kid, don't go bowing and all," she said awkwardly.

"I'm sorry. I'll be off now."

I waved her a goodbye before jumping out of the window. It was a quick retreat, but I really didn't have the time, and I wanted to get some sleep. I had an inkling that sleep wouldn't be something I'd be afforded in the coming days.

* * *

I handed Taichi some tea and sat down beside him quietly. He sipped it for a little while before turning to glance at me. I would be leaving in an hour or so. My ﬁrst mission where dad wouldn't be around to say bye to me.

"You can leave things to me here. You don't have to worry," Taichi said, twisting his cup in his hand.

He sounded determined. That was good. It meant he hadn’t lost his spirit. I was surprised by how resilient he was. Only nearly two weeks from his parent’s murders and he had managed to pull himself relatively together. He still cried himself to sleep, but I knew I wouldn’t have been this strong at his age. I was incredibly proud of him.

“I’m sorry I have to leave you now,” I said honestly.

“It’s ok.”

I wanted to pull him into a hug, but when I reached out and saw my hands in my periphery, I was reminded of the blood stained by them. I pulled back and looked at the tea in my hands too. I’d be off to ROOT now, and I was scared, scared that they would so entirely destroy me. I felt for Kusari, because I knew it was so unfair that he had to live in there while I got to go back home. Nowhere was safe though, not anymore. I stopped myself from itching my throat and forced myself to breathe.

“Mebuki-san will be around by 9,” I said.

“Yeah.”

The conversations were stilted and slow. I got up and moved silently to my room to pack for the trip. I pulled out dad’s omamori and put it in my drawer. I didn’t want to lose it, not to ROOT, who didn’t look too kindly on their agents having keep sakes. I took in a deep breath as I went through the motions and packed.

It was time to leave. I made my way down to the group. There were 10 people in total, all waiting with an unnatural amount of silence. When I entered the fold, their attentions turned to me, and even through the apathetic aura I could sense hints of irritation and disapproval directed my way.

They were all adults. They still didn't have the scent of death and cold steel on them. The only reason I could see why I was being taken with them was because Danzo had ﬁnally realised his brainwashing and conditioning methods for children weren't working on me. I knew logically that adults also joined ROOT, although it was more a willing exchange than with children, but to see it was to be reminded of the fact that, to many, Danzo was a true leader in their eyes. They agreed with his vision for Konoha.

It was a worrisome thought. Dismantling ROOT would not truly dismantle its ideas. Even if Danzo was killed, and the seals nulliﬁed, what then... There would be an in-deﬁnitive amount of hostile Shinobi within Konoha's walls, having been grown and raised in absolute service of one man. It was a security risk of unexpected proportions. It was no wonder why Shikaku hadn’t taken incriminating evidence to the Hokage. Was he also towing a fine line between insubordination and treason? Then there was the question of whether Sarutobi would even stop Danzo if he knew about the child program. Was he willing to turn a blind eye during the war to save more lives?

The doubt, and the hopelessness that fared with my position was enough to cripple a person, but I didn't have the privilege of falling into despair. When we left the village walls and travelled silently into the forest, it was almost like I was travelling straight towards my own personal hell.

In all my travels outside of the village before I had Gaku's comforting presence behind me, and Yama at my side to cheer me up. I didn't have that now, and when I glanced to my side, Gaku wasn't there. There was no comfort to be had in this group. I had to stop depending on others so much now. Gaku wouldn't be around, and no one was going to be there but me. In the end I would have to pull myself out of the hole I had dug myself.

"We'll set camp here for tonight."

We all went to work. Then shifts happened as per normal routine and we continued our journey again. We weren't travelling to the post and I knew that. Instead we continued on in a different, more ambiguous direction. It was the fourth day of travel when my senses alerted me to incoming hostiles.

"Duck!" I heard someone shout.

A kunai ﬂew past my face, and I ﬂourished out my palms to deﬂect a line of shuriken. A few Shinobi behind me were hit, but most managed to get out of the way. We were surrounded on all sides by cloaked ﬁgures with plain porcelain masks, none of the usual markings to identify them from any speciﬁc village.

It was impossible to do much as they dropped down on us from all sides. I ducked and rolled, but I was caught by my collar before being thrown into a tree. I struggled to get up, but I was too slow as a hand cracked the back of my head and I saw darkness.

* * *

It was disorienting, and terrifying, waking up to the feeling of a heavy cloth on your face, your body bound to some metal object, and the cold frigid air touching every part of your skin making you hyper-aware of your nakedness. The panic set in like a cold hard stone weighing heavy in my gut, and my throat felt dry enough to itch. For a brief moment, I wondered if this was how all of Orochimaru's experiments felt, and suddenly I could understand their fear more clearly.

The panic died down after a few minutes of calming myself down. This had to be some kind of ROOT exercise. Maybe something to disorient their targets before beginning some form of gruelling and cruel training. I took several deep breaths before I noted 2 chakra signatures come my way. My knee jerk reaction was to demand answers, but I stopped myself before I could speak. I doubted they would respond to me. I was wrong of course.

"Tell me where it is!"

The shout was abrupt and coldly demanding. I ﬂinched away slightly before forcing myself to still. What was going on? Why would they be asking me for something?

"Wha--"

"Tell me!"

I heard the sound of water coming my way and made a noise of distress when it drenched my face, making the cloth tight and heavy around my skin. They screamed something out again before throwing in a thicker towel over me and repeating the process. I could feel the trickle of water go down my nostrils and even through my panic I ﬁgured out what was happening.

Waterboarding?

It was all I could really think clearly about before I was forced to exhale and inhale. The inhalation brought the damp cloth tight against my nostrils, as if a huge, wet paw had been suddenly and indomitably clamped over my face. I was unable to determine whether I was breathing in or out and was ﬂooded more with sheer panic than with mere water.

"Where is it?!"

"I-I don't know!"

The previous few breaths I had managed to gain was lost in one panicked sentence. What was—what was going on? I felt my body become disoriented, my thoughts fuzzy and all I could think of was how hard it was to breathe. Every gasp was painful and impossible, and I could feel my chest rise tightly against its bounds.

_I couldn't breath_

I was drowning! I was drowning and powerless. Without my breathing I couldn't break through my bounds, couldn't call up my chakra boost to break free. I was helpless and drowning. This continued on until my panic escalated and I was openly crying and struggling. _Stop. Stop. Stop_.

"Pl-aase noo"

To my surprise they did stop. I gasped and coughed, spitting out water as they pulled the wet cloth and mask off my face. I could breathe. Once my vision cleared from the blur it was, I managed to sit up, my straps being unbuckled. I took a moment to look around and found that I was in a nondescript metal box like room, with only a singular light above and a table in the middle. The masked ﬁgures who had caught our group were the ones who tortured me.

I was tortured.

I had no idea what to do with that information. In a way I had become mildly desensitized to it. I was still deathly afraid, and even now the panic from the drowning before had my limbs shaking and my breathing ragged, but I wasn't unused to this feeling of terror. Orochimaru had burnt me alive in a genjutsu, but I had always rationalised that it was different. He was hurting me for the sake of hurting me, or as punishment, and it was a genjutsu so I could pretend it wasn’t really torture. I couldn’t rationalise this as much, not when I couldn’t _breathe_.

I felt numb again, and it was worrying. I should feel something. Maybe I should be crying or looking for a way to escape but it hadn't even crossed my mind. I had enough awareness to keep my senses keen. It was why I caught the quiet exchange between the two masked ﬁgures.

"Disassociation as a coping mechanism. Keep note of it for future trials."

The other noted it down and suddenly it made sense. When I had killed my parents, during the funeral, whenever I was beyond terriﬁed, the numbness that would creep up my spine and to my mind made me feel like a stranger in my own skin. I looked down at my shaking hands, then at my trembling naked body, and I knew I should be hyperventilating right now, but I wasn't. It was with an odd sort of detachment that I took my situation in. Right now I knew I should be panicking about my own mental state, but even that was hard to manage. Instead I followed them silently and compliantly out into a room full of equally terriﬁed people. I recognised them as the group I was with.

"Utsuro, get changed."

I blinked at the name and was only mildly relieved to have it conﬁrmed that this was in fact ROOT and not some enemy Shinobi. As bad as ROOT would treat us, I had no doubt they would be more merciful than an actual enemy T&I department.

I grabbed the ROOT uniform I was given and quickly put it on, eager to be rid of my nakedness. It didn't really matter though, no one was really looking at me in any kind of uncomfortable way. The others in the group who were coming in were naked too and sporting varying levels of trauma on their faces. One woman was crying, her body shaking like a leaf in the wind, and another man was staring wide eyed at the ceiling, while another man was simply standing by with an irritated scowl on his face. I was shaking, quiet and shaking.

I reluctantly strapped on my tanto and felt its weight on my back. What was the point of it again? I knew the Wind Blade technique now. My mind ﬂashed inopportunely to the memory of me driving the wind blade through Yua's chest. I shook my hands and grunted in disgust before taking my place among the rest of the ROOT agents. We were going to go through ANBU level exercises. This was special force level content I wasn't so sure I could handle. I didn't have nearly enough experience or enough will to get through that kind of mental and physically taxing work. I was a hard worker, but that wasn't enough for something of this level.

"Attention! Everyone ﬁle into the exam room!"

We all silently made our way into a bright room, the tables all the uncomfortable metal kind. There was a singular pencil and eraser on each desk with a thick pile of paper. We were all told to sit, and we did. Without any real explanation a man exclaimed "exam start" before the clock on the board timed down from an hour.

I quickly scrambled to start the test and wondered why they had done it so soon after our torture. We hadn't even had the time to take a moment to think. I hastily began looking through the paper. It was always a good idea to scan through the whole paper to get an idea before starting, that way you wouldn't be caught unawares. Unfortunately, this was no normal test. The questions ranged from Academy level to things I didn't think I even had the clearance to learn.

The woman who had been crying was grabbed and taken out of the room. I didn't want to ﬁnd out what happened to her, so I continued my paper. It was annoying, having to stretch my back forward to even reach the table properly. These seats weren't made for children. Eventually I decided to try my luck and stand to do the test. Thankfully, no one thought to do anything about it, although I got one odd glance from a rarely calm participant.

I got through most of the paper until the tense hour was done, during which only 3 people were taken out. I slumped in my seat for a rare moment of relief when they came to collect the papers.

Just like before we were ﬁled down to the next room by short barked orders. We were taken into a larger room this time, with what looked like a dark pool in the middle and a track around it with obstacles on one end. A few masked ﬁgures threw us heavy bags before explaining the course.

"You will do 5 laps around this course before wading the water for 30 minutes. Do not take those bags off!"

The bag was incredibly heavy. I stumbled a bit when it was put on me. A man to my side gave me a look of pity which just made me stand a little straighter in response. Then we began running, and I found myself easily at the back of the course. I was lagging behind. The adults all had fully developed chakra coils and the men especially had stronger bodies. I was struggling to even keep up, the only thing going for me, being my stamina. I ﬁnished the track and obstacle course with diﬃculty. It was the water that was hard to complete. Suddenly the bag, my clothes, and my tanto seemed like a stone trying to drag me down. I was struggling to even stay aﬂoat, and so were several others. I managed to pass it through sheer will.

I hissed in relief when the whistle signalled the end of the session. We all swam out eagerly, slumping on the ground, wet and shivering.

"Stand and repeat!"

_What?_

I stood up slowly, ignoring the pain in my legs as we all ambled around the track, gripping our bags tiredly. Then we began again, this time stumbling a little more through the course. I paled when I ﬁnished it and looked at the dark pool of water. I reluctantly got in with the others who were already in and did my best to not drown again.

This repeated another ﬁve times until none of us could even stand to move a muscle. I found myself out by the fourth round. My bag was unclipped, and I was shakily taken out of the room and into another with the rest of the exhausted agents. They were being given bars. I took mine gratefully and practically ripped into it and was incredibly disappointed when more wasn't given. I was still hungry, and all that training had made me ravenous.

Then as the last few men trickled in, we were given orders to follow. I struggled to move my dead limbs, and so did the others, as we were taken into a plain room with nothing in it. I thought it was odd that they didn't say anything this time, just dropped us in, turned off the lights and left. I thankfully didn't need to see to move around and so I found a nice corner to keep watch for anything odd.

For hours nothing happened. Whispers of confusion began to break out, but we all remained vigilant. I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore and closed them, making sure the rest of my senses were mildly alert in case of anything. And just as I closed my eyes, I woke up to blinding light and alarm bells drilling into my ears.

"Get up! Sleep is over!"

That was meant to be sleep time? I cursed silently at myself for not getting rest as we were taken in for the next day of training.

* * *

Time seemed to lose meaning in this hellscape. Every day was a new physically and mentally draining challenge. Our bodies felt like led, and we could barely even think, let alone have the energy to cry anymore. Every single bit of our efforts, thoughts, and cognitive functions, spent their precious energy on simply completing the task at hand. No one had the energy to do much else.

I had never wanted to die so bad. I didn't think I'd slept more than 4 hours every day, and piling it up like we had been doing, was making me delirious. There wasn't enough food and my stomach was contracting painfully, screaming at me to give it more. What little break we did have was marred with paranoia. Bath time was just all of us stripping together, regardless of gender, and being blasted with cold water. Those four hours of sleep had been the only break we were afforded and even that was destroyed on the 6th day when a kunai slammed into my right toe and I was jolted awake, disoriented and confused as to why I was being attacked on the only safe break we were given. Then we proceeded to spend that night dodging kunai and shuriken and being hit in non-lethal points of our bodies.

By the third week, when we were called for sparring, I couldn't even spare the energy to get up. Instead my mind shut down and I was taken in by darkness.

* * *

When I woke up, it was on a bed, not exactly the pinnacle of comfort, but a bed nonetheless, and after sleeping on the cold steel ﬂoor in cold temperatures for the past three weeks, this was practically heaven. I turned my head to see a few others in similar beds, a line of IV’s hooked into their wrists. They had worked us so hard that we practically needed medical attention... how crazy were they?

I just shut my eyes and pretended to be asleep. I could sleep forever and possibly not be rested enough. To my ire, my ROOT name was called out and I wished I hadn't opened my eyes at all.

"Report to room 9 in 10 minutes."

And then the hell started all over again.

* * *

I'd nearly given up all hope of living. A few agents did, their eyes going blank and collapsing without uttering a word. They stared at the walls. Hollow. It made me repulsed in a way I had never been before. The idea that I could truly end up hollow. Danzo would win if I did. The idea of letting that fucker win was enough to drive me mad with rage. My name would become a self-fulﬁlling prophecy and I refused for that to be the case. Instead whenever I was afforded a moment to think I would list of the names of my loved ones. It didn't matter which world, just that I remembered them.

I thought this torture would never end, but it did. It ended and it ended like it started on the ﬁrst day.

We were stripped and tortured like we were before, although a bit more ruthlessly, then we sat another exam and went through the obstacle course. We were blasted with cold water and taken to our dark room to sleep, except there were no alarms in the morning, waking us up with disorienting bright lights and panicked sounds. They let us sleep in for a few more hours than usual and we were let out and given our normal clothes to change into. And then for the ﬁrst time in 2 months, we were taken outside to see the sun.


	34. Chapter 34

* * *

Suzuki Taichi Part 1/2

* * *

Taichi had always been weak. He didn’t like that about himself, although he never thought about it too often either. He was content where he was in life. He had friends, even if they were a little mean, he loved his parents, and he also loved baking. His life was normal, and good, and it only got even better when his kaasan got pregnant and had a baby. He was excited to have another friend, another family member, and when he first looked into his imouto’s sharp green eyes, he had fallen in love… even if she was an odd baby. Taichi had vowed to be the best big brother.

Things rarely turned out how he imagined it though. His imouto was taken from him, and his family changed. Kaasan was always sad, always worried, and sometimes he heard her cry out in the middle of the night. Tousan had always been strong though, always so big, and comforting and _reliable_. Taichi wanted to be like that, but he was meek and mild mannered. It wasn’t so bad though. He’d get to see his imouto once or twice every week, and then she’d cling to him with a happy expression.

But the older he got the more complicated things became. Hina came back, and he thought things would be good now, but it was tense. He took her out to the park because she was sad and that always cheered him up, but his friends were there, and they were scary. He wanted to be like tousan, strong and reliable, but he wasn’t. He only made things worse that day, even if he thought she was being unreasonable, and he got angry too. In the end he felt bad. He had meant to make his imouto happy and now she was sad.

Life would go on. He would continue helping out at the bakery, would watch as Hina grew more and more distant, more and more strong, while he remained under kaasan’s worried hands. He knew he was being coddled, he knew he was being kept safe, and it was frustrating, but Taichi wasn’t like his tousan or imouto. He was soft. He liked to sew, dance, bake and do peaceful things. A part of him was terribly embarrassed about that. All the other boys liked to wrestle and shout and well… be _boys_ , but he just wasn’t like that. When he tried to be, he failed, and then everyone would laugh at him, especially Cousin Matsu.

Despite all these small little complications, and despite not truly being happy with himself, Taichi was content. He liked his little life. He didn’t think too much of it either. But things began spiralling down and even he could see it. Hina was coming home at odd hours, covered in bruises, her normally calm demeanour turning flighty, like a scared animal. Taichi would hear kaasan crying out more at night, screaming out his imouto’s name before he heard the frantic words of his tousan calming her down. He wanted to ask what was wrong, and then he learnt it was Orochimaru who was hurting his imouto. She said it was training. Taichi didn’t think training should make you scared of head pats. Orochimaru was a Sannin though, and that meant he was strong. Taichi didn’t think he could tell off someone that scary, but thankfully Hina’s sensei did. Taichi thought Gaku looked cool, like his tousan. He wanted to be big like them one day. But Hina never stopped flinching away, never stopped acting so weird to the touch even after, and kaasan’s nightmares didn’t stop either.

It would all crescendo in one terrible night. One terrible night that Taichi would never forget. The first night where he had truly seen death. The night his imouto ripped her hands through his kaasan’s chest.

**LINE BREAK**

Taichi didn’t remember much after that, just that he was in so much pain he couldn’t think straight. His tears blurred his vision and every time he closed his eyes, he would remember it again and again. Then he noticed he was outside, with a warm sheet bundled over him, and a bloody hand was reaching out to him. Taichi hit it away and looked up horrified to see it was his imouto. Her green eyes were cold, empty.

“Y-You! You killed kaasan!”

She flinched away for a second, her eyes trailing to her blood-stained hands and then her mouth opened slightly as if in realisation. Taichi watched in horror as she began shaking, her face still so cold despite it, and she turned away without a word. How could she… how could she not _care?_ He sobbed more, wondering just why everything had become so _wrong_.

It was like time was a blur in his pain. Then Taichi found himself in a familiar, yet foreign house. A place he had frequently visited years ago when Hina wasn’t living with him, when things weren’t _wrong_. He felt a warm hand against his and Taichi looked up to see Hanami-san. He never really knew her, but the way she gently put her hand on his head and smiled sadly at him reminded him of his kaasan, and Taichi let himself sob into her chest.

“I w-want them back,” he sobbed desperately.

“I know.”

“Why can’t they be here?”

“They’ve passed onto their next life Taichi-kun. It’s sad, but it’s the way things are. They wouldn’t like to see you so sad.”

“H-Hina s-she—”

“I know.”

“Why?” he cried.

_Why?_ Why? Even if kaasan was scary, even if she had jumped at him, Hina shouldn’t have… she shouldn’t have. Taichi couldn’t quite understand. His thoughts were all jumbled and confused and he didn’t know what was going on. All he had left was this stranger holding him tightly.

“Hina would never hurt you Taichi. She loves you. Whatever she had done must have been to keep you safe. Please don’t lose hope, don’t give into this pain. It will pass.”

He wasn’t sure. This pain was too heavy, and Hina’s eyes were so _cold._ It scared him. He wasn’t so sure she was even his little sister anymore, or just some monster that took her place. Taichi wanted everything to go back, back to the way it was before, and for a second, he wished Hina had never been born.

* * *

Eating was hard, thinking was hard, doing anything was hard. Taichi felt this invisible weight bear down on his soul, pushing its claws into his shoulder and holding him down. It would rip into his chest, until it cracked open his ribs, and tore out his heart, leaving an aching, gnawing and hollow pain inside of him. He wanted it to end so desperately, wanted his kaasan to pull him into her warm embrace, wanted to climb onto his tousan’s shoulder and eat dango with him. Then he would remember that they weren’t there and then his heart would be ripped out again.

“You need to eat,” Hanami would repeat.

Taichi would shake his head and look away. He didn’t want to eat. He didn’t want to do anything. She would ask him again and again, before sighing and walking away. Then she would come back, and he would refuse again. It was on the third day that she didn’t walk away.

“You need to eat,” Hanami repeated.

Taichi shook his head. He expected her to repeat herself again, but she didn’t. Her hands reached out and grabbed his face and twisted it forcefully to face her. She looked worried, angry, scared, and Taichi saw his tears reflected in her eyes.

“Your little sister is out there right now, not a day to grieve, not a moment to cry working to plan a funeral. If you don’t eat, and she comes back to see you having given in, then there will be nothing left for her. Hold your otouto and take responsibility.”

He had been weak, hadn’t he? Always been so weak and soft. He hated himself for it, but he hated Hina too. He hated her for taking away his kaasan.

“She _killed_ them. She **killed** them!”

He expected Hanami to hug him, to console him like his kaasan would, but her eyes grew hard and he was shocked by the sudden sting on his cheeks. It took a moment to realise he had been slapped, and he was too shocked to cry. He touched his cheek softly before looking up at her wide brown eyes.

“She _protected_ you. You’re losing yourself to grief, and if you become too lost there’s no coming back. Hina knows this, which is why she’s moving forward despite the pain. There will be many sad moments in your life Taichi, many moments where your heart will be trampled and you will be in pain, and it’s ok to cry and grieve, but it’s not okay to lose yourself in that pain!”

Taichi felt so pathetic. Why, why had he been giving up like this? Hanami was right. Hina was moving forward because she was strong. He had never been strong, but he could be right? He just needed to pull himself up a little more, push his limbs to work. He could do it. He let out a wail as he hugged her, and Hanami didn’t let go of him until his cries turned into sobs and those sob’s turned into hiccups.

“I-I think I’ll eat,” he said through hiccups.

Hanami gave him a smile and put out the bowl of soup in front of him, and Taichi took the spoon and shovelled in the broth. He didn’t stop until it was completely empty, and he felt like the weight on his shoulders had marginally lifted. He could be better. He could become stronger.

* * *

Taichi wanted to be strong, and every day was a struggle to do _anything_ , but he managed at least one thing a day, and he knew he was not failing because Hanami never scolded him. She wasn’t like kaasan, she never peppered him with encouragement, instead just told him things as they were, but not unkindly. He thought he had become strong, but he was wrong because that unbearable weight seemed to crush him once again. The funeral… he didn’t want to think about it. He wanted to pretend it didn’t exist. He couldn’t even move when he heard his imouto knocking. He certainly didn’t move when she came into the room, and his muscles seized up in fear. He was afraid to look up and see those emotionless eyes staring back, afraid to think he truly lost her to a monster that wore her face.

“Taichi, we’re going to be leaving soon or we’ll be late,” she said softly, voice calm and too unwavering to be human.

Taichi shuffled and buried his face deeper. She was going to go. Leave him with a monster with her face. He didn’t want to look up, didn’t want to do anything today, especially not go to a funeral.

“I-I don’t want to go,” he whispered, voice choking.

“Why?”

He looked away and wiped his nose before answering, “It feels like—l-like they’ll really be gone. T-Then you’ll go too w-won’t you?”

“No. I won’t go. I won’t ever leave, even if you hate me forever. It’s ok you know… to hate me. Please just come today. If you don’t you might regret it forever.”

Taichi snapped his head to look at Hina for the first time since that day, and he was relieved, because she didn’t look cold. Her voice had wavered, and cracked, and when he looked at her face it was contorted in pain and desperation. She was still his imouto.

Yet when her hands reached out in what was clearly a gesture of good will, Taichi could not help but flinch back, reminded of the bloody memory of her hands through his kaasan’s chest. He hated that he caused her to pull away again, make her expression shut off and cold. He wondered for a second if he was the reason she was becoming a monster. Taichi couldn’t have that, couldn’t lose his imouto who he really did love, despite being too weak to help, so he pulled himself up despite the trembling of his knees.

They walked in silence to the funeral, and Taichi wanted nothing but to fall down, because his body felt too heavy to move, but when he noticed how Hina’s hands were trembling against her sides, he could not help but continue. He had no right to be so pathetic when his own little sister was probably in more pain than he was. He had no right, after hurting her like he did before. If only he had the courage to tell her what he had been thinking all this time, to reassure her that he could never hate her.

The funeral was a blur. All Taichi could see was a replaying of that night, over and over until the tears blurred his vision again, and he felt like vomiting out whatever meagre food he had in his stomach. He didn’t stop Hanami from putting a comforting hand on his shoulder, despite her carrying his little brother which he knew he should have been strong enough to do on his own. He didn’t even hear what his sister had prepared, a speech he knew he should be saying as the eldest child, and he only really came back to reality when he saw her drop a handful of dirt on their graves. Then he watched in horror as those rocks moved over their graves, cleanly like magic, and seal their deaths. There was no coming back. Not for them.

He reached out, despite the pain, because he remembered Hanami’s words. He could be sad, and he could cry, but he couldn’t lose himself again. So he held out his hands and grabbed his imouto’s smaller ones, so rough and hardened against his own softer skin, and he held on tightly. When she turned to look at him, brows furrowing and face contorted in pain, Taichi knew he hadn’t lost her.

“I don’t hate you Hi-chan,” he finally said.

He wanted her to know, and now he had the courage to tell her. His words had made her teeth grind and her eyes shine wet with unshed tears.

“It’s ok to Tai-nii. It’s ok,” she repeated in a soft voice, so full of hate, and Taichi knew it was for herself

“I don’t,” he said firmly, squeezing her hands before he turned away, too weak to say anymore. “I don’t hate you. I never could.”

And if Taichi heard her cry after all the mourners had trickled out, well, no one else would have to know but him. Because he hadn’t lost his imouto. She had not become a monster. She had shed _tears_ , and her sound of pain was all too familiar to him.

* * *

Going back home had been painful. Taichi had latched onto Hanami during his grief, and she had become a pillar of strength in his life, keeping him above the pain that made it impossible to even breathe. Hina had told him that breathing was the strength to the soul, and the way she had said it made it sound like a bitter phrase, something she both hated and latched onto. Taichi found it useful. It kept the panic away whenever he saw the broken wall where he remembered Hina had thrown kaasan into, or the patch of tiles that was still a little pink from his tousan’s blood.

Nothing would ever not be wrong anymore, but at least he wasn’t in so much pain he thought he would die. Hina was around too, to help him fix up the house, no matter how quietly they both went about just doing things that once would have filled them with chatter. They didn’t even fight over Tsukiya’s affections anymore, taking turns silently and cooperatively to take care of the baby. She was strong, and smart, and put together, and Taichi knew he could never match up to her, but he couldn’t just sit back and make her life harder either. So he got up and did what he knew to do, and Hina… well she went about pretending like everything was normal, and if Taichi saw her in the break of day scrubbing her hands raw until she bled, he didn’t make it known.

Then like a whirlwind Mebuki came into his life right about the time Hina left once more. A mission she said. She was leaving him for two months on a mission, but Taichi knew Hina. He knew the look on her face before she went on a mission. She had a fire in her eyes, a determined confidence that overcame whatever terror was holding her back. Not this time. When she held that godforsaken scroll, her face had gone white, and once again she was shaking and jittery, and he saw her hands go up to scratch her neck which sometimes sported fresh bandages. He realised she had stopped breathing, because her face turned slightly blue, and then she caught herself and put on an unaffected expression like she wasn’t scared anymore. The trembling in her hands spoke otherwise. Taichi was afraid that she would truly not come back this time. Then she went out to do her work, because even in her panic, Hina was strong.

The morning before she left, Hina handed Taichi some tea and sat down beside him quietly. He sipped it for a little while before turning to glance at her in worry. She was going to leave, and she didn’t look confident at all. Nothing like the Hina he knew before who was so like her tousan. Now her eyes flitted around like kaasan’s would, and she wound her body inwards tightly like a spring ready to uncoil and bolt.

"You can leave things to me here. You don't have to worry," Taichi said, twisting his cup in his hand.

He didn’t want her to be worried. Didn’t want her to be held back because of him. He was meant to be her oniisan, he was meant to protect _her_. She had always been so strong for him, despite being younger, and he knew now that it was his turn.

“I’m sorry I have to leave you now,” she whispered.

“It’s ok.”

Taichi was hopeful when she reached out to him, but it was dashed when she winced as she pulled away. Her expression grew dark and Taichi wanted to say so many things, about how he would let her touch him if it helped, but he wasn’t so sure he could speak right now without breaking. He didn’t want to cry, not when she was leaving soon.

“Mebuki-san will be around by 9,” she said instead.

“Yeah.”

Taichi regretted letting her leave. His last words to her could have well been a pitiful ‘yeah’ and he would regret it forever. He knew now, what it meant to die. He had a taste of what a shinobi had to face, and he wondered how Hina managed to stay sane doing a job like that. He could only wonder as he watched her back recede into the horizon and he lost sight of her. He was still weak, still the soft little boy he was before, but he knew he would have to get stronger, and so when he heard Tsukiya cry, he rushed over to comfort his baby brother.

“Taichi-chan,” a familiar voice called out.

“Mebuki-san,” Taichi said in relief as he bounced his crying baby brother on his lap.

“Ah it seems the little brats giving you trouble, eh.”

“He’s not trouble. He’s just a little feisty in the mornings,” Taichi huffed, feeling a tad bit too defensive about his baby brother.

Mebuki put down her bag and leaned over to run her fingers over Taichi’s head. She pushed away locks of green hair and she smiled. Taichi felt his cheeks flush as she turned that warm smile to him.

“He’s hungry, that’s why. Now where’s his bottle?”

Taichi handed Mebuki his brother before rushing up to make the formulae. He wanted her to see that he had things under control. She came up behind him and gave a little laugh that sounded oddly nervous.

“Taichi… you haven’t heated it up yet.”

“I had to heat it up?” Taichi asked, feeling embarrassed by his lack of oversight.

“Not too hot, but cold isn’t good either. Here, let me show you.”

Taichi took hold of his baby brother as Mebuki showed him how to properly make baby formulae, and then she expressed the importance of setting up a routine. Taichi listened intently, and let the woman explain away her knowledge because it was a welcome distraction. She eventually began scouring the fridge after burping and changing Tsukiya’s diapers.

“A-ano Mebuki-san, what are you doing?” Taichi asked.

“Why, I’m going to make lunch,” she said.

“Y-you don’t have to do that. We hired you for Tsu-chan, so—”

“You think he’s the only brat in this house? If I had it my way I’d be feeding that sister of yours too, but it’s beyond me to go telling the Hokage what to do with his soldiers,” she huffed, before she turned her stern attention to him, making him both flustered and unsure of what to do. “And you,” she continued, “don’t you go looking at me like that! I’m a _nanny._ A nan-nee. You got that. It’s my job to take care of brats like you, so if you ever have any trouble, or any issue whatsoever you feel free to come to me ok.”

“O-ok”

“That’s my boy. Now put the baby in the crib. It’s time to make some gyoza!”

Taichi was a little taken aback by her enthusiasm and loud demeanour. He hadn’t lived with anyone so energetic and loud before. He actually… liked it. It was so far removed from his parent’s mannerisms that it didn’t bring up any memories at all, not even like how he remembered his kaasan when he was around Hanami. He smiled for the first time in a long time and nodded.

* * *

Taichi waited for the hours Mebuki would come by. The woman was a bright spot in his life. He always woke up alone in his room, sweat sheening down his face after another nightmare, and then he would go by Tsukiya’s crib to rock it gently. It was more a method to sooth his own nerves than to help the baby sleep. This house… when he was alone in it, it felt suffocating and terrifying. Then Mebuki would come by with her too big grin, and over the top attitude and just slam through the heavy silence and cut right through to him like a force of nature.

Taichi was grateful for her help. She taught him a great deal of things, from taking care of a baby, to cooking general food, to keeping a routine. Now Taichi had asked if he could learn to take care of the bills, and because he hadn’t ever gone to school before, Mebuki was teaching him maths so he could learn how to calculate and take care of the family reserves. It was hard at first, but Taichi took to learning like a fish to water. He wondered why he had never been given the opportunity to do something like maths before. It was fun and challenging, and most importantly _distracting_.

“So you carry it over. It’s like if you took a bite out of this gyoza, two thirds of it still remain right. So if you had 4 of these two thirds bitten gyoza then how much do you have?” Mebuki asked.

“Four two-thirds gyoza?” Taichi asked.

Mebuki only laughed before writing more down and giving him a further run-down of the process. Taichi quickly understood the concept of fractions by the end of the day and began asking more and more question, while they both munched on the gyoza Mebuki loved to make.

“Well aren’t you eager to learn. If only my little bros were this eager,” Mebuki sighed dramatically before continuing their lesson with a grin.

Taichi was so engrossed in the affair that he almost didn’t realise someone was knocking on the door until Mebuki put down her pen. He got up and opened the door to see his auntie Saiko and uncle Eiichi with his cousin Matsu in tow. He hadn’t seen them since the funeral two days ago, but he awkwardly opened the door and let them in.

“How have you been holding up dear?” Saiko asked.

“A-alright,” Taichi managed.

His uncle looked around and frowned. “Where’s Hina-chan?”

Taichi cringed away and turned so they couldn’t see the sudden worry on his face. “She’s on a mission.”

“So soon? She should be at home right now, taking responsibility after what she did,” Eiichi said with a snarl.

“Honey—now’s not the time,” Saiko hissed at her husband, but it was too late.

Taichi didn’t know what to think. He’d heard whispers before, directed towards his sister. He caught it on the occasion when people didn’t think he was listening. Kinslayer. Psychotic. He bit his lips and shut his eyes tightly to get a hold of himself. They hadn’t heard her cry, hadn’t seen the pain she kept so tightly locked up. They didn’t _know_. Still he let them in, out of respect for his family.

“Please take a seat,” he offered.

Mebuki came up too, holding Taichi and she easily introduced herself to his aunt and uncle. Taichi let her talk while he made some customary tea. He put the tea in front of them before taking a seat on the futon besides Mebuki. Matsu was uncharacteristically silent, his cheeks heated as he sat down. Taichi ignored him. He was too tired to deal with his cousin.

“We came to see if you were doing alright,” Saiko said, holding a cheek, and tilting her head at him, eyes full of pity.

“I’m… fine,” Taichi said, blinking back his tears.

“Oh honey, I know you aren’t,” Saiko sighed. “Managing all this by yourself, and a baby too!”

“I have Mebuki-san to help,” he said, averting his eyes and sipping his tea.

“Yeah, the brats in good hands,” Mebuki said, ruffling Taichi’s hair.

Saiko’s smile dropped and Taichi looked up suspiciously. He liked his aunt although he never liked his uncle, but his kaasan had warned him to never take what they said to heart. They were ‘condescending’ as his mother put it, although he wasn’t so sure what that word even meant.

“No offence Mebuki-san, but you’re just a nanny, and not in a position to look after house affairs beyond taking care of a baby. Taichi needs adults helping, and not just the legal kind who leave on missions,” Eiichi said, brows furrowing.

Taichi put his cup down and frowned. Why did everyone talk over him like he wasn’t there? Like his opinions didn’t matter. They always made it sound like Hina could get things done, but he couldn’t. He didn’t like it one bit.

“Hey—” Mebuki began, a snarl taking her face.

“—What my husband means,” Saiko butted in, sending her husband a glare, “is that this is a _family_ matter. We want to make sure Taichi is taken care of during this time, mentally, physically, and financially.”

“What are you saying?” Mebuki asked, not even bothering to hide her suspicion.

“Can we please talk to Taichi-chan alone? This is a matter between family after all,” Saiko asked instead.

Taichi wrung his fingers together, suddenly worried that Mebuki would leave. It would be rude of her to stay as an employee when family came. Even he knew that. Yet she didn’t go. She crossed her arms and moved over closer to him defiantly. He felt his anxieties lessen at her refusal.

“Whatever you’re going to say to him, you can say in front of me, unless of course what you’re asking him is better of said to a _child_ who is still grieving and is in a vulnerable time of his life.”

Taichi looked up, eyes wide and mouth open in surprise as he stared in stunned silence. Mebuki was… Mebuki was _awesome_! He fought down the flush coming up his face before he put together whatever confidence he had left. He had promised to be stronger, and now he was going to do it.

“What are you accusing us—”

“Mebuki-san is staying,” Taichi blurted, hands moving stiffly across his lap as he put on a determined face. “Whatever you have to say, you can say it to the both of us.”

Eiichi looked ready to fight, but thankfully for Taichi, his aunt put a hand on her husband’s chest and calmed him down. He kept his face as determined as possible and caught his aunt’s eyes. She pulled out a file and handed it to him. Taichi was glad that Mebuki let him take it, instead of babying him. He pulled out the contents and skimmed through it with growing horror.

“Y-you want to sell the house?” Taichi asked in confusion.

“The _shop_ ,” Saiko corrected. “I’m sure whatever savings you had, had gone to the funeral and the legal procedures that Hina had to deal with. If we had the deed to the bakery, then we could start it up again, and support both you and Hina—”

“—What is this bullshit?” Mebuki cut in, crossing her arms.

“Excuse me—”

“—No excuse _you_. I’m not sure you know this, but Suzuki Hina happens to be a Genin, and if what I heard is correct, she’s this close to being promoted Chunin. She owns the rights to this house and the bakery below. You coming here, two days after a _funeral_ , to try and play of a little boy’s fears is absolutely disgusting!”

“Have you seen their savings?” Eiichi challenged.

“No, but I don’t need to, to know this is fucking disgusting,” Mebuki snarled.

“Oh, I’m sure you’ll take care of his financial needs once he doesn’t have any money left for you to baby-sit him with then?” Saiko said, dropping whatever pleasantness she had before.

“I will, in fact, I’ll take my own money to feed this kid if the need comes,” she challenged, her dark green eyes narrowing even further, teeth visible.

“You are not his _family_. We have his best interest at heart! We’ll take care of this.”

Taichi had heard enough. He slammed the table, toppling over his cup. The adults all looked at him, even Matsu was eyeing the normally meek boy with wide eyes. Taichi wiped away his tears and _snarled_. He felt positively _furious_. He wasn’t used to being so angry. It wasn’t an emotion he associated with himself.

“Enough! Hina-chan left _me_ , to take care of Tsukiya and the house! She left _me_! Not you, or you or any other ‘adult’ out here. No one’s taking anything from here until she comes back! My imouto is not dumb enough to not have left enough in the bank for a two-month mission, and I’m going to bring the bakery back up again on my own!”

“Taichi—”

“No! Don’t talk right now,” Taichi snarled venomously. “Everyone’s always taking care of me. No more! I’m the man of this house now.”

Then he took in a deep breath and stood up. He opened his eyes and his head cleared. Breathing really was the strength to the soul. Now that the anger and anxiety had cleared out, Taichi could see what they were doing. They were trying to take advantage of him. He wouldn’t allow it.

“I would like for you to leave,” he said, voice coming out calm yet strong.

“Taichi please listen—” Saiko pleaded.

“I would like for you to leave,” he repeated, pointing to the door.

He vaguely noticed that even Mebuki was gaping at him. His aunt and uncle stiffly stood up, their shocked expressions turning twisted as they hastily got up to leave. Taichi wrung his fingers together to give him back his confidence and then he slowly walked behind them to see them out. They only sent one last, ‘condescending’ look towards him, and Taichi figured out what his kaasan had meant. He didn’t give them the satisfaction of a reaction. He was shocked however that Matsu didn’t leave. He expected his cousin would run his mouth of at him, spouting some hurtful words to get the last word in, and moved to stop him, when he was taken into a hug. It took him a second to hug back, but by then the boy had already pulled away.

“I’m sorry about them,” he whispered, wincing a little as he glanced back. “Take care.”

Taichi hadn’t known his cousin could ever be so _nice_. When Matsu smiled at him, not a superior smile, or an annoyed smile, but a _smile_ , Taichi couldn’t help but smile back slightly. He waved a goodbye to the boy who disappeared downstairs before he looked back to Mebuki behind him who whistled in appreciation.

“You really showed them Taichi. Really lived up to your name there eh, ‘Big Boy’,” she said grinning.

Taichi blushed and scratched the back of his neck. “I-It was nothing…”

“How about we move onto some algebra eh?” Mebuki asked.

Taichi smiled softly and nodded. Maths was just what he needed to take his mind of things.

* * *

Taichi had never gone to the civilian library before. He knew how to read, write, and do basic maths even before Mebuki began teaching him. It was just enough to get by in everyday life. Taichi knew that wouldn’t be enough now. He needed to know how to run a business, how to procure ingredients, and how to hire employees. He had told himself he would open up shop before Hina came. He was always in pain, always remembering his parents and then realising they weren’t there anymore. When he was learning maths, he didn’t think of them. It’s when his thoughts went silent that he remembered and remembering always hurt.

What better motivation to begin his new studies, than avoiding that pain? Taichi began reading and reading. He borrowed books on business, and law, and trade, and asked Mebuki question after question in regard to the world they lived in, and he realised just how little he knew about life. He didn’t know that they had to pay a levy to the Konoha reserves for every pound of flour, or that wheat was 20% more expensive during winter. He didn’t know that people were paid in intervals of two weeks, or that they got extra pay during festivals. He didn’t know a lot of things, but now he did.

It wasn’t just that. Taichi had begun to do more things on his own. Instead of going to the park to play, he asked Mebuki for a list of ingredients, and went shopping on his own. He learnt the best places to buy fresh fruit, meat, and spices. Taichi was learning so many things, that he wondered if this was why Hina had been so different. She had become an adult before he had, gone out into the world and experienced things outside of the bakery he couldn’t even imagine.

It was on one of his shopping runs that he nearly bumped into his old friends. The neighbourhood boys he had grown up playing with. He meant to duck away and out when Matsu caught his eye. Taichi cursed internally when Matsu hastily said a goodbye to the group and ran up to him.

“Taichi,” he said waving.

“Hello,” Taichi replied, holding back a sigh.

Matsu’s eyes trailed from him to the bag of groceries in his arm and he looked mildly shocked. Then to Taichi’s surprise he tried to give him a smile, although it came out odd and a little disconnected from his normal personality. Taichi wondered what exactly was going on.

“You’re buying the groceries now. Wow you’ve grown up,” he said chuckling a little forcefully.

“Well there is no one else around to do it,” Taichi said, scratching the back of his head.

They fell into an awkward silence soon after. Matsu coughed a little and let out a nervous laugh.

“So—um what’cha doing for the rest of the day?”

“Um… cooking and taking care of Tsu-chan,” Taichi replied unsurely.

“Can I—can I ahh… can I talk to you about something?”

Taichi rose a brow but nodded. Matsu never looked this unsure about himself ever before. He wondered what had gotten into his normally bratty and rude cousin. A part of him was suspicious, especially after what his parents had told him. Taichi saw no reason to say no though so he nodded and somehow the two of them ended up at his house, with Taichi making him tea.

“So what was it you wanted to talk about?” Taichi asked.

Matsu looked away, his palms rubbing back and forth against his thighs as he looked around nervously. Taichi wondered if paranoia ran in his family.

“You don’t have to be nervous you know,” Taichi assured, feeling oddly like a big brother again.

“Well I… promise you won’t judge ok,” Matsu said, voice uncharacteristically small.

“I won’t,” Taichi said nodding.

Matsu looked like all nerves and anxiety bundled into a person. His brown hair, spiked and long was slightly matted against his forehead from sweat, his tanned cheeks were flushed. He looked entirely like a different person in this state. Green eyes looked at the ground before he finally spoke.

“Okasan and Otosan found out… they um—they saw me kiss a boy.”

Taichi’s eyes went wide and he nearly dropped his cup. He had no idea what to say to that. Cousin Matsu was three years older than him, so he was 13 right now. Taichi hardly interacted with any of the girls in the neighbourhood, because he had once, and they laughed at him for playing their games. He didn’t quite understand, but he knew he didn’t want to get laughed at again, so he stayed away. All he knew was that the boys played with the boys, and the girls played with the girls, and the only real time the two genders got together was when they wanted to hold hands. He knew Hina played with boys, but Hina was weird like that, and shinobi in general were an odd bunch. Shinobi children played together regardless of gender, although Taichi didn’t know why. It was just the way it was.

“Ah… ok,” he decided to say.

“Ok?” Matsu asked, scanning his expression for anything else.

“Ok… is that bad?” Taichi asked unsurely.

“No—um… my parents were mad, but I don’t know. I think so… do you find it weird?”

Well talking about _kissing_ was too embarrassing for him. Wasn’t that supposed to be adult talk? Taichi didn’t really know what to say about it.

“I don’t know,” Taichi said honestly, sipping his tea again. “I don’t really have anything to say about it. I’m just confused why you’re telling me. Just don’t k-kiss a boy again and your parents will be ok with you right?”

“It’s not… it’s not like that,” Matsu sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “It’s not just a kiss. It’s like marriage!”

“Marriage?” Taichi squeaked out in confusion, feeling entirely too embarrassed to discuss something so—so _adult_?

Matsu cringed a little, and shook his head, looking like he couldn’t quite figure out the words to explain things to his little cousin. Instead he decided to nod seriously, and just go with that instead.

“Yeah like love and stuff… although I’m not so sure it’s love. Well maybe more like attraction… ugh I don’t know how to explain it!”

“Yeah ok… well I still don’t know why you needed to tell me this,” Taichi pointed out flustered.

Matsu’s expression became sad again. “My parents said they’ll be kicking me out by 16 if I do it again, and I… I’ve never really done any work before. I don’t usually help around shop, and now they won’t let me unless I promise to never… never be with a guy.”

“They’re going to kick you out?” Taichi asked, eyes wide and completely baffled. “For kissing a boy? That’s… stupid.”

“I-It’s more complicated than that ok! I was just wondering—if I could work at the bakery with you is all… you don’t have to. I know I’ve been pretty bad… and I’m not even sure you’re opening it like you said you would—”

“—I am,” Taichi cut in defensively.

“That’s good. That’s good,” Matsu nodded awkwardly.

“I’ll let you become an employee, but I’m taking a month to figure it out first. I’ll not be able to pay you much at the start though,” Taichi said honestly.

“I don’t mind! In fact you don’t have to pay me until you can! I’ll do anything,” he said eagerly.

Taichi laughed nervously, wondering what the hell he had just gotten himself into?

* * *

Here's a little art for Taichi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, I loved writing Taichi’s POV, and just watching him slowly grow as a person. He’s still pretty clueless and naïve, but he’s grown up quite a lot. Currently he’s ten years old, and so he’s not really mature enough to do anything on his own, but he has Mebuki to help him and now Matsu’s going to be there too… you know the annoying little cousin from all the way back from chapter 3 XD I didn’t forget about him. Also yes, if anyone’s asking, Mebuki is Sakura’s future mom. Hina hasn’t realised it yet, and probably won’t until she meets Mebuki’s pink haired boyfriend.  
> As for Matsu being gay—it was included because I wanted to explore cultural norms. I admit to being interested in it because I’m a lesbian irl. Although I’m not exactly sure what the consensus is in Naruto canon on gay characters. Either way I thought it would be a good look into some cultural norms and maybe set a kind of basis for shinobi/civilian sexual norms and expectancies. You see a bit of it here with the high demand for nannies considering shinobi often die, leaving them widowed, and their children would need someone to look after them. In my head the fact that shinobi die so young means that they’re not so averse to homosexual relationships/unconventional relationships, although I do think that people in clans will definitely be a lot more heteronormative, solely for the bloodline continuation. But you can in general, expect a lot less prejudice against Hina in her own circle, compared to a civilian like Matsu who comes from a very stringent heteronormative culture.  
> Also yes—some of the characters are now at that age where they begin asking questions about the birds and the bees. Hina is going to be spamming the body flicker in the future trying to yeet herself from those conversations. XD But I repeat once more—she will not be in a relationship until everyone is well over 18.


	35. Suzuki Taichi Part II

* * *

Suzuki Taichi Part 2/2

* * *

If anyone told Taichi that he would willingly hang around with Cousin Matsu, he would have called them mad, and a terrible judge of character too. The Matsu he knew was abrasive, rude, and liked to put others down. Well actually… Matsu was still abrasive and rude, but he had changed. He would get irritated very quickly about whatever direction Taichi would give him, as if being asked to do something was an affront to his dignity, but then he’d correct himself not a moment later and do the work diligently. Currently all Taichi was doing was showing him the different kinds of bread, their components and how to work the oven. Matsu was a slow, but not quite terrible learner.

Mebuki would take pleasure in lounging back and eating whatever Matsu would bake to criticise it to hell and back, and Taichi felt like he was caught between two wild animals in their presence. Still, they were lively, and a welcome distraction. Occasionally he would catch himself looking out the window and wondering if Hina was doing ok, and then his thoughts would wander to darker places. Mostly it happened at night, when he was alone in bed, in a house filled with nothing but ghosts, and a pregnant silence that seemed to seep into his very bones. Even the nightmare filled screams of his late mother would have been better than the blank silence he was received with.

It was opening day though, so he didn’t have a moment to even let his thoughts wander. Mebuki was tasked with taking care of Tsukiya, so Taichi wouldn’t really have to worry about his baby brother. He was so grateful Hina had thought to hire a nanny before she left, and to take care of all the bills too. He’d learnt how to manage it now, but he soon found out everything was already paid for, and so he could focus on his mission at hand.

“Did you pull out the first batch Matsu-kun?” Taichi asked from the front desk.

“Yeah, on it!”

Taichi watched as Matsu grabbed the too big metal peel, a large spatula like shovel, to scoop the hot bread under. The smell hit Taichi’s nose and he nearly cried. He didn’t know whether it was sad tears, or happy tears. After months of living in the house, it smelt stale, and unlived in without the smell of fresh bread wafting in. Now Taichi thought… things could go on, even if it would never be the same again, it could go on. He wiped at his wet cheeks.

“T-Taichi, you uh—ok there, man?” Matsu asked.

“I-I’m so happy,” Taichi sobbed, before he pushed back the tears and smiled. “We’re going to bake the best bread around!”

“Heck yeah man! Loving that enthusiasm!” Matsu hollered, a grin taking his face.

And then they began putting the bread in paper bags and lining it up the front. Taichi felt giddy with excitement. It was finally going to happen. He pulled on his tousan’s resized apron and went to the front door and flipped the sign for the first time in months. He walked outside and a few of his neighbours and old customers noticed, and their eyes grew wide, before smiles took their faces.

“You opened up again Taichi-chan?” Runi the electrician asked.

“Yeah, we’re back to business,” Taichi nodded shyly.

“All by yourself,” Kenichi said in disbelief, before he came bounding down with a smile.

“Well, I’m here to help too!” Matsu butted in. “You guys gonna buy or not?”

“Matsu, be polite,” Taichi chided.

“Hahaha, it’s ok kid! I like his attitude. It’s been such a pain going down 4 districts for bread every morning. You’ve got my money everyday Taichi-chan,” Kenichi laughed, and then the blacksmith entered.

Taichi practically ran to the counter and started working eagerly. As the day went a lot of the community came by, even if just to support them, and soon Taichi was working extra hard with Matsu to make more bread. He didn’t remember the shop being this busy, but then he had his parents then who had worked for years. Now it was him, a mostly novice, and Matsu who had just started. No one complained though, and if the bread was a little darker than usual, well it’s not like anyone noticed.

* * *

Taichi realised he had spent so much time distracting himself, that he never once thought to visit his parent’s graves. When he thought about them, the weight on his shoulders would double, and it felt like once more, an invisible, indomitable beast was tearing into his chest and ripping out his heart. He tried not to think about it, tried to distract himself, but it got so heavy sometimes, and when Mebuki and Matsu were there it lessened. He wondered if Hina felt the same way—if she could even move out there in the field. He knew her work was dangerous. He had seen her scars. It only left him more worried, because if Hina didn’t come back too, Taichi was unsure how he could handle the pain. And as the days grew closer to the end of the second month, Taichi’s anxiety peaked to new heights.

He found himself sleeping on the couch in case she ever came home at night. Then he could be there for her when she walked in. When he was working during the day, his head would snap up at every customer entering the shop, and hope, _pray_ that it was Hina that would walk through next. It was two days past the two-month mark when it finally happened. Taichi had been excited. Hina would come home, and then he could show her how much he had done, how much he had _changed_. Then maybe for once, she could lean on him. He was closing up the shop and was about to flip the sign when he heard footsteps behind and turned to see Hina.

He rubbed his eyes, wondering if maybe he was just hoping so hard, he was seeing things, but she was there. His smile died almost as instantly as it came. He had never seen his sister look so _dead_. If she weren’t standing right now, he would have presumed her a corpse. Her normally short hair had grown to her shoulders, but they looked brittle and had lost their vibrant colour. She hadn’t grown an inch, but Taichi could see the wiry muscles defined even more clearly, and the way it stuck too tightly to her bones than what was considered healthy. He would have ignored all these things, and continued smiling, had he not seen her face. Hina had always had a fire behind her eyes, a determination, and passion for her work that trumped a lot of things. Taichi thought it was an unusual, unhealthy, single-minded goal that drove her, and while he didn’t exactly think it was good for her, he couldn’t imagine her without it. There was no fire now.

“H-Hina,” he said, voice cracking.

She didn’t say a word. Instead her eyes looked down at the ground in front of her, and the way her lips tugged up was nothing but a facsimile of a smile.

“Hina,” he said again, taking a step forward.

He hesitantly took her in his arms and wondered when she had become so small. Not so long ago they were only an inch apart. He grew more worried when she didn’t hug him back, and just stood there in his arms, head lolling to his chest. Her weight grew heavier, and it took a few moments for Taichi to realise she had collapsed entirely.

“Hina!”

He held her up in a panic, and noticed her eyes had closed, but she was still breathing. Hastily, he pulled her into his arms, surprised by how heavy she was despite being so short. He pulled her into the bakery and up the stairs. He heard Mebuki put down Tsukiya from the room beyond as she walked down to see Taichi was Hina in his hands. Mebuki’s expression grew confused, and then outraged.

“Quick, lay her on the couch!”

Taichi, rushed on by the franticness of Mebuki’s voice, practically sped to the couch to drop Hina on it. He watched in growing worry as Mebuki, leant down and checked for a pulse, and breathing. The woman let out a sigh before stepping back and taking a good look at Hina.

“Phew. I thought she died or something… she looks like a corpse,” Mebuki whispered, although Taichi heard it and couldn’t help but agree.

“She fell unconscious,” he said in worry.

“She must have been very tired,” Mebuki said, putting a hand on his shoulder.

Taichi had never been so tired he had gone unconscious before. He felt angry for Hina. Why… why did she have to go through so much hardship? Wasn’t it his job to protect her? He felt the tears prickle at his eyes. This was not how he imagined the day would go. He wanted Hina to come home to the smell of fresh bread, back to the arms of a family who would be there for her.

“Hey Taichi, don’t beat yourself up over it. Let’s put her to bed, and when she wakes up, we’ll make her a big feast. That way there’s no chance she’d be sad. So what’s her favourite food?”

“She likes sweets like dango, apple rolls, mochi, and she really likes chocolate nama cakes… she doesn’t have a preference for savoury food other than it needs to be spicy,” he listed of as logically as he could so he wouldn’t cry.

“That’s good. Look, we’ll make her some really nice gyoza, and then mix some mochi that looks like gyoza in, so it’s be a savoury-sweet surprise! Sounds ridiculous, but she’ll probably think it’s so cool!”

Taichi knew Mebuki was only saying something so absurd to take his mind of things. He couldn’t be distracted though. Not when his imouto had passed out in his arms.

Taichi did end up making some gyoza with Mebuki. The woman went out to buy some mochi and came back with a bag full which she put in the fridge. Sweets were expensive so Taichi reminded himself he would need to pay her back, but that thought was quickly bypassed in favour of once more sitting by his imouto's side.

Taichi took her appearance in, trying not to cry. She looked different, _wrong_. He couldn't put a reason as to why he thought she looked wrong, just that she was. And then he waited and waited but she didn't wake up. It was past 11 when Mebuki said her sorry and headed back home, leaving Taichi alone with his little sister and brother.

He knew it was odd, but he got into bed with Hina, pulling her pink sheets over their body before he held her hands. He didn't want to ever let go. With those thoughts he closed his eyes and went into a ﬁtful sleep.

* * *

Taichi woke up startled, eyes blinking open in shock as a heavy weight fell on his chest and something cold and sharp pressed painfully against his neck. He gasped in confusion for a moment before he took in Hina's form above him, green eyes wide, and ﬂitting around the room searching for danger, before it dropped back down on him and her breathing hitched, and her eyes widened. Taichi hadn't realised he was holding in his breath until Hina had thrown away the kunai at his throat like the metal had burnt her skin. Then she began trembling, mouth contorting into a pained expression before her trembling form curled into itself, and her head rested against his chest, face covered from his view.

Every single part of Taichi screamed for him to run away. _Danger! Unsafe! Danger!_ His instincts cringed at him when he forced himself to stay still, and instead go against everything he wanted to do to bring out his arms and wrap it around his imouto.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry," she said, voice cracking and muﬄed against his chest.

He held on a little tighter, hoping she would stop trembling, hoping she would magically be alright, because seeing her like this broke his heart.

"It's not your fault," he said.

He had no idea why she attacked him, but she didn't look all there. It reminded him of... kaasan. He shook his head. He couldn't think like that... couldn't let Hina leave him too, so he held on tight until her trembling died down and her breathing evened.

"I'm so tired," she said.

Taichi blinked in surprise. Hina, in all his life had never complained about being tired. Sometimes she would grunt in irritation when she was overworked, but she never voiced a complaint. He had even asked her why, and she had said it was one of her personal rules. She called it a nindo. Even if she ran laps around the whole of Konoha, she did not utter a word about it being too much. Right now, when she spoke, Taichi wondered if she would ever be the same strong Hina she was before. He pursed his lips. It didn't matter, because she had been strong for him before and now it was his turn. He wouldn't let her down.

"It's ok to be tired. You work a lot," he assured. "You can sleep some more if you want to."

"P-please don't let go," Hina mumbled, a rare plea coming from her.

"I won't," Taichi said.

And he didn't let go, not for hours, not even after Hina fell asleep in his arms. Taichi promised he would never let go because his siblings were all he had left.

* * *

The next day when he brought out the giant gyoza and mochi feast to surprise her with Mebuki, Hina did look like she was something other than a corpse. If only for a brief moment her eyes had lit up, and then she hesitantly took a bite, and then another and before long she was eating food like she had never eaten before in her life.

"—So that's why Cousin Matsu is now helping me run the shop," he relayed, trying to keep the house from its usual silence.

Hina wasn't talking much, but Taichi could tell she was listening and nodding along, and he remembered how good it was to be distracted from his grief. It was only right he helped Hina forget hers, even if just for a second. Mebuki helped keep the conversation running, and then after a few hours of constant talking Taichi had run out of news to relay about the past two months.

She put down her chopsticks, and a small, tired smile pulled at her lips. This time it reached her eyes, and Taichi wondered why she couldn't just cry like he knew she wanted to.

"You've become so strong," she said softly.

Taichi felt the tears he had held back come out and he pulled her into a hug. She didn't know how much that meant to him, how much he had been longing to hear those words, if not from his parent's, then from her.

"You made me strong Hi-chan. You gave me my strength, so let me lend it to you."

His heart skipped a beat when she hugged back, and a sound ripped through her mouth. It was a terrible wail, a cry he hadn't heard since the funeral, but this time she was crying with him. Taichi was glad Mebuki left the room to give them some privacy, because he made sure to hold her through it all, even as her tears and snot stained his shirt. Like a dam had burst, she let out all her emotions, her voice cracking with more emotion than he’d ever heard before.

"I'm so sorry," she cried. "It's my fault— it's all my fault."

"It's not your fault. It's not, and I don't hate you and kaasan and tousan don't hate you either. It's not your fault," Taichi repeated.

"I killed t-them! I failed and now the b-blood won't go a-away," she said brokenly.

Taichi just held her tighter, sobbing a little with her, although he kept breathing, and made sure his head was clear.

"Then I'll be here until we clean your hands. I'll be here until you can smile again."

"I don't deserve that," she said brokenly.

"I don't care. I'll be here whether you like it or not."

Hina pulled her tears back in and pulled away to wipe her runny nose on her kimono shirt. She looked down. Her eyes averted from his. A smile tugged at her lips, but it was full of hate and disgust. Taichi realised that it was directed to herself and not anyone else, and he didn’t know what to do with that information. He didn’t know what to say. All he could do was be there.

"I'm weak and useless. There's no use for me anymore," she whispered.

Taichi pulled her face up to look him in the eye. He didn’t know what to say, but Hanami did. He remembered her words every morning.

"It's ok to grieve and it's ok to cry, but it's not ok to lose yourself to pain," Taichi repeated.

Hina's eyes widened and she sniﬄed in her tears before letting out a depreciative chuckle.

"You really are a good niisan. You're... You're right. I'm sorry for not doing better," she said softly.

"Don't apologise please," he said sadly. "You don't have to be strong now. You can be strong later. Just one thing every day until you can do more."

Hina nodded, and Taichi saw the ﬁre in her eyes spark again, even if barely, and he was glad because he had nearly lost his imouto, but he had managed to save her. Now, now he would never ever let go.

"You said you were studying maths," Hina said changing the subject.

He nearly laughed. That was just like his imouto, to change the subject so abruptly just when she let herself be vulnerable, just when she opened up even a bit. Taichi had the urge to tell her it was ok not to do things alone all the time, but he didn’t want to push his luck today. He decided to go along instead.

"Y-yeah... just the basics though," he said.

"I've done a lot of maths myself," she admitted shocking him.

"Aren't you a shinobi?" Taichi asked in confusion.

"My sensei is a Sannin known for his hand in science. Trust me Tai-nii, I know some maths. Want me to teach you?"

Taichi nodded, and was glad that when Mebuki came in again, it was Hina who was talking, pointing out patiently how to do simultaneous equations. Taichi thought, if he could get her to talk more, to open up like this, to share her burdens, then she would be ﬁne. This time, he'd make sure of it.


	36. Chapter 36

One thing a day. All I had to do was one thing a day. I could do that. Even as weak as I was right now, I could manage that. I pulled myself out of bed, despite the tiredness in my bones and walked into the house that had changed so much. I was surprised, but it was a happy kind of surprise that was like a candle in the darkness that seemed to be my life. Taichi had changed. He had become more… assertive. In just two months it felt like he had become a better person. His grief had made him a better person. It reminded me of myself. When Josh had died protecting me, I felt so immeasurably guilty for his sacrifice, that almost anything I did from then on was atonement for not dying that day. It wasn’t the same for Taichi. When I looked into his eyes, he didn’t have that weight, that look of hate that followed him around like a yolk around his neck. He was sad, and there was a depression lurking behind his normally bright brown eyes, but he wasn’t burdened, not like me.

I was glad.

He had pulled through. Despite me being unable to stay here and help, he had pulled through. I wondered if it would have been the same had I stayed. It probably wouldn’t. My presence… it had only stilted him. It took me leaving for him to grow into his own person. I tried not to let that get to me, because I had no right to think that way. Taichi had held me, and let me cry, and be so completely _open_ , for the first time since Guy. He had done so much growing, done so much overcoming, while I had fallen deeper into a pit of self-loathing that bordered on debilitating. I couldn’t do that to him, couldn’t leave him without a shoulder to lean on, so I tied up my hair and ate my breakfast.

“Thank you for everything Mebuki-san,” I said earnestly.

“It’s ok brat. Just let me know if you need anything ok,” she replied with a grin, moving to ruffle my hair.

I stepped back a bit and let out a nervous laugh. “Ah, sorry. I don’t like people touching my head. Bad habit,” I said awkwardly.

“That’s ok! I’m well aware of shinobi and their ticks so I won’t do it again if it bothers you. Where are you off to today then?” Mebuki asked.

“I’m going to collect my mission pay, and then go meet Orochimaru-sama. I’ll be back by around five. You can take things on until then, right?” I asked.

“Yeah, that’s what you’re paying me for after all,” Mebuki laughed, like I had asked her the most ridiculous question ever, which I might as well have actually…

“My bad… also thanks for everything. For being there for Taichi. I should have—ah never mind. Just thanks,” I said a little awkwardly.

“Well your niisan’s a really tough brat. Are you sure you don’t want to take a day off? You just came back yesterday. Why are you so eager to keep working?”

I sighed. How could I stay in bed and wallow when my _ten-year-old_ brother was running a whole goddamn bakery by himself? I still couldn’t wrap my head around that. Were kids in this world just naturally more mature, or was it really just circumstances that forced people to be who they are?

It wasn’t just that though. If I stayed in my room today, I wasn’t so sure I’d find the energy to ever move again. The last two months had left me shaken. I had _attacked_ Taichi in the morning, simply because he was sleeping next to me. For a few seconds there, it was like I was in a battlefield, surrounded by enemy attack, and not in my room with my brother. I was tired, so bone weary tired, and it felt like every step I walked was a mile, but if I stopped, I’d never get back up.

“There are things you have to do no matter what,” I finally said.

Mebuki’s shocked expression turned into an odd smile, like she was unsure whether to be sad or happy.

“Damn, you brats really are a tough sort,” she said. “I can’t wait to see how Tsuki-chan turns out now.”

“Oh, he’s definitely going to be the toughest brat of us all,” I snorted. “Have you seen how hard he tugs hair?”

“Point,” she laughed, before his cries brought her attention away and I was finally free to leave.

I still had so many things to think about. ROOT still weighed heavy on my mind. Kusari was still my partner, but I knew how ROOT operated. It had you severe ties through blood. I thought I’d have to kill Kusari in the future, but his life had been swapped for my parents. I had vowed to help him escape though, and I’d do it no matter what. I had planned to die, but I didn’t deserve to, not until everyone was truly safe, so I’d have to find another way around this. Fuinjutsu was going to finally be an option going forward. I could safely begin practicing it and finding a way around the seal now that I was sure I wasn’t being tailed at all times of the day.

The next big issue I had was Orochimaru, although really even he tied back to ROOT and Danzo. He wasn’t as hell bent on changing me or experimenting on me like I assumed he would be. His curiosity extended to my total concentration breathing, and beyond that he only cared whether I was useful to him or not. He didn’t seem to pay any attention to my family or friends. For a man who liked torturing me, I found it odd, that out of all the threats in my life, I found him the safest.

I wasn’t really travelling to Orochimaru though. No, I made my way into his lab, hoping to all hell he wouldn’t be there, and then I resumed my work. I tied my apron, before grabbing a clinical mask, and putting on some gloves. Then I made my way into the deepest level, away from his public lab, and into his private area. The seals recognised me, and I was let through as the stone wall gave way. As I passed into the darker hallway, the wall closed up behind me and I descended down the stairs and towards the cages.

Like usual, the pungent smell of rot, faeces, urine, and other various body fluids, hit my nose. I scrunched my sensitive nose up and blinked back the tears as I looked into the several cages. Everyone who was still alive looked a little worse for wear every day. It wasn’t hard to forget that they were in fact living, breathing humans, and not the mumbling corpses they were.

“P-please, help!”

I turned to the voice of the new body and sighed. She had spirit left. It wouldn’t last very long. Soon, she too would be broken down to absolutely nothing, until she wouldn’t care about sitting in her own faeces and rot. There was no dignity in this prison. Just death.

“Sorry but I’m just here for clean-up duty,” I said softly.

“H-he kidnapped me! D-don’t trust him just because he’s a Sannin!” she cried, long brown hair swinging wildly in panic, as her chains held her back from her wrists.

I felt a bubble of pity for her, but this world had hardened me, made me feel numb to these cries of pain and desperation. I could only afford to give it to the people that mattered, and she wasn’t one of them.

“Do you think I’m here because I don’t know about that?” I asked humourlessly. “I’m his _assistant_. We will most likely be seeing each other on your next experiment.”

“No! You’re just a kid! Please! If there’s any humanity left in you! Please!”

I shook my head and sighed. She was definitely noisy… for now. I was going about this work because honestly this was all the humanity I could afford to give. ROOT agents would only ever deliver food and water when Orochimaru was not around. Orochimaru himself didn’t care one bit for the condition his experiments were in. I personally couldn’t get them out even if I wanted to, which I didn’t, because I had more than enough on my plate already. All I could do, was clean up their cages, and afford them whatever dignity they had left before they died.

It wasn’t a pretty job. Death was never a pretty affair, and this whole place stunk of it. I got about picking up their shit, and cleaning up their waste, before collecting their unwashed plates and putting those to the side. The water in the bowls they were given had become dirty and contaminated. I sighed. Orochimaru would see most of his experiments die before they even got to the table. What was the point of owning so many bodies, if he couldn’t even keep them healthy enough for proper results? Maybe he had gotten too used to my help he forgot about doing his own uptake.

“H-How can you j-just do this? Don’t you have a heart?”

I snapped my attention to the lady, thoroughly taken aback. I dropped the bag of bread I had brought outside and a few prisoners from the other cages, began groaning forward, eyes focused on the food in mad hunger.

“You don’t know what you’re asking of me. There’s always one of your kind here, all whining and teary eyed. If you want to get out of here, stop putting it on me, and do it yourself. If you can’t even manage that, keep your mouth shut and give me some peace,” I grumbled, rubbing my nose.

It’s not that I didn’t want to help her. I just couldn’t. I always did them the courtesy of picking up their shit, and wiping their asses, and all I ever got in return for it, was a headache. My irritation was momentarily forgotten when I heard a laugh behind me, and a weight dropped on my head. I shivered in sudden fear and cursed as I turned to see Orochimaru behind me, his eyes thoroughly amused.

“You came back from your little training trip. Did you have fun?”

“Fun?” I asked, a hysterical laughter ripped from my throat. “Oh kami, only you would think to say that.”

“Good to see it hasn’t broken down your spirit, if you’re already here cleaning up after my subjects,” he smiled.

I ignored the uncomfortable way his fingers ran through my scalp, all gentle and _wrong_. There was no use pretending it didn’t bother me. He was a Sannin, and he knew what he was doing. I hit his hands away and glowered. Fuck, I was too tired to deal with his bullshit right now.

“So testy,” he teased. “Well, it seems at least that they whipped you into shape for me. Unfortunately, you haven’t grown an inch.”

“Why should that even matter?” I asked incredulously.

Orochimaru gave me a condescending look and I bristled. Forget whatever depression I thought I would end up in, I was more leaning towards the side of a rage attack instead. He was beginning to piss me off, playing with me like a toy, and not even giving me the same intellectual curiosity he had before. He was just being condescending right now.

“You’re seven years old next month Hina-chan. That means you’re meant to still be growing. All this intense work outs and lack of nutrition is hindering your ability to grow, and I can’t have that happen as your _sensei_ , now can I?”

To say I was baffled was an understatement. Never mind the fact that he knew when my birthday was, but up until now, I never considered that Orochimaru would even be vaguely interested in my development asides from teaching me, so I didn’t make a fool out of him on missions. After screwing up so bad with the bandits, I had gotten a very thorough education on the more technical aspects of shinobi life, that didn’t revolve around direct combat. But he had only helped because I very nearly died from the hands of mere _bandits_ and it would have reflected poorly on him. I also assumed that whatever modicum of respect he had for me, had died that day. Yet… he was treating me so oddly now, like he was actively interested in my studies.

“What do you want to do about it then?” I sighed.

“Why, nothing too drastic. Just a little tweak here and there, and you’ll be one step closer to perfection,” he said, eyes trailing down my body.

I scratched my neck and looked away. Body modification? Hadn’t I promised myself the first time I met him, that I wouldn’t allow him to touch my body? The very idea of changing any part of me, that would be tied back indefinitely to him, was something my pride wouldn’t have allowed me. I was a different person then… more confident. Who was I to refuse any sort of power now? I had murdered my own parents with my own two hands. I deserved no pride in my abilities. If anyone wanted to tell me in the future that I was strong because of Orochimaru’s experiments, then I would let them, because I didn’t matter, not like I thought I had. All that mattered was that I eventually did become stronger, strong enough to even kill Orochimaru myself if I had to. Then it wouldn’t matter _where_ I got my power, just that I had it. Because then I could truly protect my family.

“If it makes me stronger, I don’t care what you do to me,” I finally said.

“Ah, finally you’ve shed your tiresome convictions that limited you,” he said approvingly.

“It was never strong in the first place,” I hissed, hating how bitter I sounded.

This weak body, a body that was branded by a man I despised and tainted with the blood of failure, what use did it have? What use did I have now as weak as I was? One step at a time, right? Even if it meant becoming something more than human, becoming as distorted as Orochimaru himself, it didn’t matter as long as I had the power to never fail as badly as I had before.

I remembered something I had learnt a long time ago, when I had spent majority of my days in a lab over the top of a microscope. When I had long brown hair and honey brown eyes. Something, so pivotal to the human nature, that it cemented how I viewed all living things.

“You can take a cell,” I began, catching Orochimaru’s attention. “Circumvent the cells lifespan limit, and you can prevent senescence.

In layman’s terms, it means the cell becomes immortal, keeps dividing. It doesn’t get old. It doesn’t die. They say ageing is a natural process, but it was just a fault in our genes. When an iryo-nin worked their magic, they were simply multiplying cells, providing an energy that permeated this whole planet, which encouraged _life_. In the end humans were faulty creatures living in a chaotic world, bending to its rules. Back then I had no real way to defy that order.

When I looked up at Orochimaru next, he looked surprised. His yellow eyes were fully visible before a true smile took his face.

“You’ve been putting my library to good use,” he mused out loud.

“I wanted to know what you found out about immortality,” I shrugged. A lie, but what did it matter?

“I’ll make an assistant out of you yet. Meet me here tomorrow night. We will conduct your first upgrade,” he said before spinning around and taking his leave.

Upgrade. Well that was certainly a way to phrase it. I suppose I had done something to impress him, because he would have called it an experiment otherwise. Since he specifically used the word upgrade, I hoped it was safe to assume he was going to conduct a procedure that had already been tested. If not, then what really was the point of all these meat bags sitting in their cages? Speaking of meat bags, I turned to the woman in her cage and sighed. She had been shivering in silence since Orochimaru entered, and during that whole conversation I had nearly forgotten she was even there.

Did I truly care so little about people who I wasn’t tied to? Catherine would be horrified by me if she saw me now… but I had died and disappeared, and she would never be by my side again. It didn’t matter what she thought because she wasn’t here. What would Taichi, Guy and Kakashi think then? Would they hate me for giving into my apathy, for letting go of the morality I thought I so needed? They could hate me… they could drive a knife through my chest and curse my name forever. I could live with that pain if it meant keeping them alive.

I turned to the woman in the cage and felt only anger. Irrational, blinding anger.

“You were shouting at me earlier, and now you’re so quiet. You should know, that if you want to stay alive in this world, there’s no one to help you but yourself. Don’t whine to others. Don’t look for their help. Get up on your own two feet, and if you fail, then live with the consequences.”

I was aware of my hypocrisy. I didn’t know who I was reassuring. Her, or myself.

I was no hero. I knew her fear quite well. I knew her pain quite well too. Everyone was out there trying to survive. Those who didn’t even try, and those who simply cried looking to others for help, would not survive. That was just the way the world was. I looked back at the men and women who had lost their will, chained to a wall, and living out their last moments in abject misery that weighed so heavy they could do nothing but moan and cry. They had become truly pitiful creatures. One couldn’t quite consider them human.

“Sometimes, there will be no one in the world to help you get up but you,” I whispered once again, before I too took my leave.

* * *

I trudged back to put on my clothes after taking a bath at the lab. It wouldn't do good walking back home smelling like shit and disease. I wondered if this was all I had to do today, no running, no workouts and deﬁnitely no training. I felt beyond tired, but a part of me couldn't stop moving. It felt like I would get punished if I ever did stop, but there was no one behind me enforcing insane tasks and depriving me of sleep. I rubbed my eyes.

Special forces, eh.

This is what people had to face in the special forces. It was insane and I wondered if I'd ever be the same again. Was this what Kusari felt every day? I winced at the thought before closing my eyes and deciding there was nothing I could do at home. Taichi and Matsu had everything under control. Mebuki was taking care of Tsukiya, and I was... only ever useful for missions. My income would keep us above just scraping by. They could live comfortably. If I ever got a promotion, then forget scraping by, we would be more than rich enough.

I could teach Taichi some maths. He was taking to it like an Uchiha to brooding and a Hyuuga to self-importance. He was rather smart, and I wondered how many children like him had been shuﬄed into a life they weren't really going to ﬂourish in, just because they were born into the role. I wondered how much better my life would have been if I wasn't a Shinobi, if I was allowed to attend a university, and work in a ﬁeld that truly suited my skillset. Maybe then I would have been a true prodigy. After all throw a prodigy into the wrong ﬁeld of work and all their potential would be wasted. Someone who was born to heal would not do so well working as a shinobi, and a natural cook born as a weaponsmiths son was equally as useless.

Taichi would have done well in my old world, where he could pursue an academic career. I sighed and wondered about myself. What was I doing killing people? I remembered the ﬁrst time I killed a person. I remembered my thumbs driving straight into their eye sockets, pushing beyond the skull, and puncturing the soft brain matter inside. It had been so satisfying, knowing that all my training, my struggle to survive and to win had come out in my favour. It had been cathartic and left my heart ﬂuttering light. Every single kill after that was somewhat similar, even if I did question my younger kills out in the ﬁeld. It was ROOT, it was always ROOT... that destroyed everything. When I killed those children in the dark, when they twisted training into something painful and unfulﬁlling, and when they forced me to go against everything I stood for by killing blood, I had lost whatever pleasure came from this job.

Once this is all over—If I'm even alive—I'm getting a desk job.

A spar once in a while sounded amazing, but I sure as hell didn’t want to be involved in this mess of a career anymore. The pay was good but fuck the benefits. My parents died for this, for my mistake, for this shitty job. I was just meant to be a hired soldier, a mercenary—not in this mess of a job where my consent didn’t even matter. The Foundation wasn’t going down though. What could I even do against them?

_No_

What was I thinking? Giving up like that. I shook my head and pulled myself together. If my ten-year-old brother could overcome his grief, then I certainly could. I continued walking down this dark corridor until my feet took me to the library.

My body... Orochimaru was going to modify my body. I sucked in a deep breath and shut my eyes. I would never truly be the same, but then again, I wasn't since the day I drove a knife through my father's heart and a hand through my mother's chest. First my heart and then my body. There was nothing I wasn't willing to give up if it meant eventually taking down Danzo. I pulled out an experimentation ﬁle, in the back corner. It was a group of red ﬁles I never really read through before, solely because I ﬁnished one page and felt too sick to continue. There were simply some things that were too much, even for me to stomach. Orochimaru, for all his abuse, had kept me away from his more gruesome experiments. Not anymore, I thought resolutely. The things he had done to others, the things he did to himself, were my progress.

I remembered him forming an entire body of his own, out of his own dead carcass, emerging from his corpse like a truly immortal being. That was in the anime I had watched a lifetime ago. I wondered if it was reality, because when I looked down at the ﬁles in my hands, I recognised that power was something to be taken and not given.

This world had set its cruel limitations and we were subject to its whims and mechanisms, yet Orochimaru had deﬁed it. I never truly believed you could overcome your own humanity, even with my incredible ability to rationalise everything I did. For all my apathy to human suffering, I still felt the very human need to keep my family alive, and an emotional response towards the pain and feelings of those important to me. It was a duty, an obligation, and a biological imperative to protect your kin. We had literally evolved in family units to take care of each other, to ensure our survival.

I didn't think I wanted to give that up. It was a cornerstone of my life. Even if I had failed my parents, I still had my brothers, Gaku-sensei, and to a lesser obligatory level, my friends. In the end I was standing here now, not devolving into a completely useless mess because they kept me going forward. This red ﬁle in my hands were a testament to the very human strength of familial love. Love being a word I took a great deal of time peeling open to understand. That was another matter in and of itself. Love was a tie, a tie to a responsibility, and to the emotions it came with. It was volatile, beautiful, and scary all at once.

What did Orochimaru love?

Had he truly given up his humanity, or was he simply substituting one thing for another? Family for self, responsibility for personal gain, or maybe humanity for knowledge.

I opened the red ﬁle titled simply #001. I pushed aside whatever morality I had been taught, whatever empathy I had left, because now there was just me, this vital information, and a drive for power. Maybe this was the state Orochimaru had to be in to truly become more.

Then I read.

* * *

The dichotomy of humanity was its ability to do complete opposites. Man could love and protect, and a man could kill and destroy with the same hands. Man could show compassion and then act without any empathy. I was capable of both, and after reading those ﬁles I truly understood that all the lines I had told myself I could never cross, were simply fabrications of my own carefully structured moral code. I very well could do those things if the circumstances called for it. Human desperation was a thing to behold.

I sighed tiredly. My ﬁrst day out and I had done more than one thing and emotionally drained myself too. I ran ﬁngers through my green hair and closed my eyes. I needed to go home, and so I did. I walked slowly and silently to my house, glad that I didn't see any familiar faces on the way. I made my way into the bakery, feeling a little lighter that the smell of fresh bread had overtaken the blood.

My eyes caught Matsu's and he awkwardly waved my way. I waved back, unsure of what really to say to him. We hadn't ever gotten along as kids. In fact he was rather rude to me in particular, but then again, we were kids and kids always had a lot of growing up to do.

"Uh Hina-san," he said catching my attention.

"Yes Matsu-san?" I asked.

He scratched the back of his head, ruﬄing his hair before looking down and sighing.

"I uh... I'm sorry about everything... and how I acted towards you before," he said, looking more than a little off kilter and ﬂustered.

"That's ok. I never really held it against you," I said, scratching my neck just as unsurely.

All this touchy-feely emotional stuff was more than a little off putting. I almost wished I was the kind of person that could just punch his shoulders, put him in a chokehold and just laugh it off without any awkwardness. Unfortunately, I wasn't, and right now I wanted nothing more than to quickly escape to my room.

"Uh, is there something else you wanted to say?" I asked.

"Did—did Taichi tell you about..."

"About what?" I asked curiously.

"About why I'm here," he said trailing off nervously.

My eyes widened and I realised why he had been so anxious. I remembered a time when coming out seemed like the most nerve-wracking situation. Going to war and nearly getting killed really put my previous anxieties in check.

"I don't really care about that to be honest. I fancy girls myself," I said shrugging.

"Y-you do?" Matsu asked, brown eyes going wide.

"Yeah both actually," I added a little awkwardly.

"You can... you can like both?" he asked, the shock barely hidden.

Kami, he really was just a kid, wasn't he? How bad was the sex education in this world if people didn't even understand sexual preferences? At his age I knew that and plenty more. I really didn't want to have a talk about sexuality with a kid though. I felt too old to be this short. At least if I was feeling like a granny at heart, I should have the height to back it up. I rubbed the bridge of my nose and sighed.

"Troublesome... look, it's not going to change anything here ok. Taichi doesn't really understand enough to care and if he ever does become averse to the idea... well I'm a shinobi and I have my ways to knock some sense into him. So you can relax ok," I said as quickly as possible.

He looked about ready to burst into tears and I was just as ready to body ﬂicker into my room and lock myself in when the bakery door opened. I turned around to the large pool of chakra to see a shinobi with a scroll. He looked down at my headband and while I was ready to collapse in my bed from exhaustion, I would take another mission over an awkward coming out talk with my cousin.

"Suzuki Hina, you are to report to the Hokage's oﬃce with your shinobi ID card in an hour sharp."

"Hai," I replied before accepting the scroll.

"Another one? You just came back, didn't you?" Matsu asked.

"This is too soon, even for me," I agreed in confusion and worry. Didn't I deserve a goddamn break?

 _Not after murdering your own parents_.

I shoved back my uncomfortable self-hate and opened the scroll to ﬁnd no mission end time, no expected mission length, and no speciﬁc requirements either. It just said the time and date and location, which was odd.

"Hi-chan..."

I turned to see Taichi look down at my scroll pale and wide eyed. I put it away quickly and even Matsu took a step back from the sudden uncomfortable silence.

"Again?" he whispered in confusion and hurt.

"Tai-nii, no need to worry. This might just be a summons. It doesn't really give me a ﬁnish date, so I'll probably only be doing a D rank or something."

With that we fell into awkward stilted conversation. I could see Taichi looking increasingly worried and I couldn't blame him. I was worried myself. With all the crap that had been thrown my way recently, I almost wondered if life was ever going to give me a break.

I eventually did manage to escape the awkward conversation and ﬁnd myself outside the Hokage tower. I was accosted by Orochimaru, who looked rather pleased about something. I turned my attention to some familiar faces in surprise. There was Shisui and his new Uchiha sensei. He waved at me and I waved back, only to see a few other older kids and teens enter with their Jounin sensei's.

"What's going on?" I asked Shisui.

"No idea," he replied. "Toru-sensei, said it was a surprise."

"Should I be worried?" I asked nervously.

"Maybe," he replied just as nervously before his eyes trailed down to my neck. "You're wearing my scarf."

I palmed the soft material and smiled back. The red made me look like a Christmas present, but it was surprisingly comfy, so I didn't mind. I wanted to thank Shisui for giving it to me that day. This time with a smile I couldn't have afforded him before.

"It's cold," I said instead.

He nodded, giving me a knowing look and a soft smile. I meant to return it, but the door opened, and it looked like it was time to go. We were invited in by the Chunin at the door and we all walked in and bowed at the Hokage. I sent Orochimaru a questioning look as I stood beside him, but I got nothing from his amiable expression. The Hokage smiled and scanned his eyes over us, before ﬁnally speaking.

"I'm sure you're wondering why I summoned you here. It's because each one of you has managed to demonstrate Konoha's values during your time in service. Two or more Jounin have attested in your beneﬁt for your promotion and I have screened their reports. During war time we do not have the luxury for Chunin exams and so today you will be receiving a ﬁeld promotion."

I blinked in shock. A Chunin? I'd only been a Genin for nearly two years. Wasn't this too soon? I knew Genin who had been in that position for ﬁve to six years before ever receiving Chunin status.

I took the Chunin vest handed to me by one of the Hokage's helpers and felt the weight of the green vest heavy in my hand. I didn't deserve this. I had failed everyone so terribly, had yet only proven how useless I was, and this was what I got. A promotion? I didn't feel happy about it, not like I would have under different circumstances.

"Hand your ID's over and move to the registration room!"

I did as was instructed and found myself in line for the camera. It was only on the occasion that we'd take photos. Cameras were a rare thing after all. I was distracted in thought until Orochimaru of all people snapped me out of it.

"Aren't you going to wear your vest?"

I looked around and realised everyone had already put it on. I nodded reluctantly and put it on before deciding to leave it unzipped. I forced a smile on my face when the man took my photo, and then began writing down my new details onto my new card. He handed me my old one. It had a green text for Chunin stamped on it.

"Keep this for now. Your new ID will be delivered in 3 to 4 days."

I nodded and took the card. I turned back to Orochimaru, and then looked at Shisui who was having his hair ruﬄed by his sensei. It felt wrong to have this moment without Gaku and Yama here. I pulled my attention back to Orochimaru and noted he was rather pleased about the promotion. Most likely I would still be asked to work under him, without the whole training aspect of things. I was a Chunin now, and Chunin did a lot more self-study than Genin.

"Well, then. It's time to leave, wouldn't you say so?"

I nodded, only to be stopped by the Hokage of all people. He sent Orochimaru a smile that made the Sannin's own smile drop in suspicion.

"Before you two go, I would like to see you in my oﬃce."

Orochimaru didn't say a word but I said a quick hai and followed after the two legendary shinobi. We walked back into the Hokage oﬃce and Orochimaru's patience was wearing thin. I could see his chakra ﬂuctuating and coiling like it did when he wasn't pleased. I felt much the same. There was something about seeing the man pretend to be this kindly grandfather figure that rubbed me the wrong way. How could he preach about this supposed will of fire and turn away purposefully from the people suffering under Danzo? How could he smile my way as if he didn’t have a hand in the shit that happened not 3 months ago?

"Why keep us back?" Orochimaru asked. "Don't you want me to celebrate with my sweet student?"

The Hokage smiled kindly, although it looked oddly patronising. Even Orochimaru scowled.

"You haven't really taught Hina-chan anything. In fact she was only recently transferred as your student and Gaku-san did most of the work. I'd say you haven't yet achieved what it was I was looking for."

Orochimaru's scowl deepened if that was even possible. I took a step back nervously. Fucking old geezer, he was going to get the Sannin mad, and that was always bad news for me. I was too tired to deal with this shit. How had one thing a day become several things all at once?

"What are you saying? Get to the point."

"I've assigned you two Genin and will expect Hina-chan to continue under your tutelage. She is after all an upcoming kunoichi."

Orochimaru took the ﬁles like it had burned him. Teammates... I didn't know how to feel about that. I was, after all, trained on my own for nearly two years. The only group training I had was with ROOT or spars with Kakashi. I was comfortable enough to work in teams when it mattered so it shouldn't be much of an issue. I just felt for the poor brats who got Orochimaru as their sensei. Now that sucked.

"Can I ask how exactly this is going to work Hokage-sama? I was under the impression Chunin were either assigned to speciﬁc war time tasks or sent to work more intel-oriented jobs."

The Hokage smiled down at me and for a second, he really did feel just like a kind old man and not an accomplice to my incredibly shitty situation. I returned his smile, trying to ease some of the tension that had escalated from Orochimaru's temper, if only to spare myself from his anger later. I really just wanted to crash on my bed and never wake up. 

"Normally you'd be expected to take on an extra responsibility outside of your border post work. It could be as menial as a librarian or even an internship at T&I. You're in a rather unique situation as the student of a Sannin. Orochimaru no doubt chose you because of your ability to think rather than to simply ﬁght. It seems you'll have a future career in R&D or the Special Research team," he explained patiently.

R&D! I turned to give Orochimaru a wide berth and a miniscule part of me, that shot through my recent depression, wanted to give the man a wet sloppy kiss. Research... oh Kami, I missed my old desk job. I wanted to become a researcher again and hopefully do work to help people rather than ripping them open. I shook myself out of my musings and decided to ask the important questions while I could.

"I've heard of the R&D division, but I haven't heard of a Special Research team," I said curiously.

"It deals with village research secrets from A to S ranges," Orochimaru said, surprising me with his input. "It's not a big team, nor is it easily accessible, but as my student you are eventually going to be privy to such information."

I gulped. That seemed like something you couldn't come back from. No easy retirement to civilian life after that. The Hokage's rather croaky chuckle reminded me to stop losing myself in thought.

"Well let's not get carried away. You will still have to prove yourself before you can enlist in the Special Research team. For now we'll have you enlisted as Orochimaru's assistant for his personal R&D sect."

Orochimaru had his own personal section? I honestly didn't know whether to be surprised, frustrated, or impressed. Frustrated that Sarutobi was giving so much power to people like Orochimaru and Danzo, and impressed at Orochimaru for somehow pulling of getting his own section of R&D.

"Hai, Hokage-sama," I settled on saying instead.

I was once again reminded of Orochimaru's bad mood when we were dismissed. He was looking at the ﬁles of my future teammates at hand and scowling. I eyed the exit and wondered if now was the best time to leave because dealing with Orochimaru's mood swings wasn't in my itinerary for the day. It was too troublesome to deal with.

"Don't forget about tomorrow," Orochimaru reminded me.

"I won't. Can I expect to see detailed information on the procedure before we begin?" I asked, trying to keep my voice level.

Orochimaru, to my relief, nodded. He didn't say much after that and simply left. I was glad. It was time to go home and collapse in bed. Hopefully Taichi wouldn't be so worried then.

I trailed my ﬁngers over the collar of my new ﬂack jacket and I felt oddly calm when I looked out over the village. Things could deﬁnitely get worse, but I hadn't yet collapsed from the weight of it all. Maybe I could do this. I could become better.

"Hina-chan."

I turned to see Shisui smiling at me. His sensei was behind him, looking rather pleased. I mirrored a smile back and Shisui faltered mildly. I wondered if maybe my smile didn't truly reach my eyes or if something else was wrong.

"We're going to celebrate. Do you want to come?" Shisui offered.

"I would love to, but I have my brothers waiting for me at home. Thanks for the offer."

He nodded, a little disappointed but not intending to force me. I waved as calmly as I could before deciding I'd done enough for the day. I was just about ready to collapse after all. One thing a day had become several, but it made me feel just a little more accomplished. I could make it through this. Things would change. I would change.


	37. Chapter 37

Snap Back To Reality 37

* * *

I was no stranger to pain. In my previous life it would have been terrifying to even imagine this kind of situation, but Suzuki Hina was a far cry from what I had been in my previous life. I was hardened through blood and steel. Still, there was something primal, almost instinctual, that never truly got rid of one’s fear of pain or change. I was terrified, admittedly more so for the pain than the change itself.

“It seems you’ve been reading my red files,” Orochimaru hummed from his seat.

“I have,” I replied, sending him a cursory glance before turning my attention back to the file in my hands currently.

I was a little surprised, but then again, Orochimaru was full of surprises. I didn’t know how to take this gesture from him. Firstly he was allowing me to read through my own procedure before he carried it out, which in and of itself wasn’t something he did for any of his experiments. Secondly, he was being rather _nice_ about it all, which wasn’t in his character at all. Most importantly—and this was what truly confused me—was the fact that this procedure included injecting the DNA of a _white_ _snake_ into my metabolic functions.

A _white snake_.

Orochimaru had a menagerie of snakes that he kept as pets in his public lab. His experimentation on animals wasn’t exactly frowned upon nor a secret, just like his obsession with his own body wasn’t. What surprised me was that he was willing to conduct the same procedure on me that he did to himself.

“Why?” I finally asked, after much deliberation.

“Hmm, you’re going to have to be more specific than that Hina-chan,” he said, grinning my way.

He knew my question exactly, but he wanted me to ask. I would give him what he wanted for now. “Why are you doing this specific procedure to me… when you’ve done it to yourself.”

He gave me a mischievous smile, slitted yellow eyes twinkling with some kind of dastardly mirth. I had the sudden urge to run the fuck away, but I managed to ground myself and stare him down defiantly for an answer.

“You’re my student, and you haven’t grown an inch. I can’t have you be a shorty forever, now can I?”

“The real reason please,” I said, raising a brow.

He chuckled, before he stood up and walked my way. I wanted to run away once more but I stayed incorrigibly still while he leant over to twirl my bangs between a finger.

“I reward those who I see fit. You’ve been a rather useful assistant so far. Why should I not invest in my cute little assistant?”

I was relieved when he pulled away. He seemed to take pleasure from invading my personal space and threatening me. I felt a little petty glee knowing that it wouldn’t have cowed me, not like it would to a real child. While I did have some sort of irritatingly innate reaction to listen to adults in this biologically seven-year-old form, I still could rationalise my way out of it. Still, his answer, while truthful, was definitely not the whole picture.

“Well then, shall we begin the procedure. Once I start, there’s no turning back.”

“As if you’d let me pull out now,” I scoffed.

I made my way to the metal table and pulled of my Chunin vest, along with my scarf and arm guards. Then I shuffled onto the too tall chair and let the man strap me in, despite feeling incredibly uncomfortable. Orochimaru brought out the tubes connected to some kind of geyser and inserted the metal tip into my arm.

“Just one?” I asked.

“Do you want more?” he asked amused.

“No… I was just surprised,” I replied hastily.

“It’ll be painful all the same. I know how much of a masochist you are Hina-chan,” he chuckled.

“I am not,” I bit back, before sighing and closing my eyes.

Just my luck to get straddled with another sensei who could rile me up. I almost wished that Gaku was besides me now, holding my hand in comfort, giving me reassurances of taking me out for desert after. Orochimaru certainly wasn’t the type to care about how comfortable I was anyway.

The pain was gradual, but when it hit, it made my body shudder and twist. It felt more visceral than the burn of a genjutsu. It felt real. A pained gasp escaped my throat and then a groan before I leaned forward and felt the bile burn up my throat. My stomach twisted inside of me and I shivered in terror. The pain was coming. I wasn't looking forward to it.

Then it really kicked. I bit back a scream, grinding my teeth together and leaning forward hands ﬁsted in determination. What was this feeling? Was it relief? This pain... It wasn't even close to the pain I felt that night. I stopped another scream from escaping and instead gasped tightly. I refused to let myself show weakness any longer.

"It's good to see the ﬁght back in your eyes Hina-chan. I was worried Danzo had beaten it out of you."

"That bastard will never," I hissed. "Fuck! Give me more!"

"Another dose? You think you can handle it?" Orochimaru asked, but he didn't wait for a conﬁrmation before he obliged my request.

I could handle anything. I had already done the one thing I thought I never could. If I could kill my own blood, then I could take this. I could take anything! I grinned, feeling the burn rip a pained chuckle from my throat.

"You really are a masochist."

It hurt! It hurt so much and yet not even close to the pain I felt on that night. I had been so afraid! I had been so afraid of this pain, but it didn't even hold a candle to the hole Danzo had ripped into my soul. It pulled out a sick sort of satisfaction from within me. This pain was progress. One step closer to ripping out Danzo's throat. I didn't feel tired anymore. I felt angry. Fucking furious.

I grinned at Orochimaru and decided here, no matter how much I failed in the future, no matter how far I fell. this pain, this anguish, it would lead to one glorious moment where I would teach Danzo that he would never fuck with me. Never fuck with my family.

"Give me another!"

Orochimaru obliged, and I beared the pain with a smile. One day...

* * *

I woke up at the crack of dawn on a familiar couch, down at Orochimaru's lab. I ﬂexed my ﬁngers and felt the burn of stiffened limbs gradually die into a dull ache. Looking around, I noticed no one was around. A ﬁle was left out on the coffee table in front of me and after taking a moment to truly wake up, I picked it up and sat down with the contents.

"Subject requested for a third dose before she passed out from strain. Metabolic functions will recover to standard health after a period of 2 weeks. Subject will be required to take two haemoglobin tablets and a prophylactic dose once every day after a meal."

I mumbled off and took notice of the pills sitting innocuously besides the folder. After pocketing the medicine I decided to make my way home. It was morning out and I ﬁgured I must have slept the whole night in the lab instead of going home.

The sun glared down at me, and I found myself blinking back black spots, before my vision ﬁnally adjusted to the outside world. I felt mostly the same. The events from the night before had been unpleasant, but it hadn't left me feeling hollow or tired. For all of Orochimaru's dickish behaviour, he never seemed to manage making me feel so irrevocably done with my life. Maybe it was because his very existence was a buffer between me and Danzo.

“Tadaima,” I greeted, as I opened the door to the bakery.

A cloud of flour hit my face and I stumbled back in confusion, drawing out a kunai reflexively before I waved away the air with a basic wind technique. The white fog of flour cleared, and I was met with the sight of Taichi, Matsu and _Guy_ drenched in various ingredients. I blinked in confusion before contemplating just closing the door and walking away like I never saw anything. I was about to do just that when Guy sprung forward and pulled me into a bone crushing hug.

“Congratulations Hina-chan! I heard of your most youthful promotion!”

I was spun around like a ragdoll by the boy, and honestly, I didn’t have enough strength to protest, so I let Matsu and Taichi pry his hands off me. After taking a moment to sort myself out, and gain a modicum of poise back, I eventually decided to greet him.

“Troublesome as always huh, Guy-kun,” I said fondly.

“Ah, you and Kakashi are always so hip and cool!” he grumbled before his eyes widened as if he remembered something. “On that note! I have arrived today to take you out no matter the method!”

“What?”

Taichi sighed and decided to explain instead, pushing Guy to the side for a second. “What he’s trying to say is that your friends organised a celebration for your promotion to Chunin.”

I looked around at the mess and raised a brow. “That doesn’t exactly explain the mess.”

Matsu flushed and grumbled something under his breath, while Taichi just sent him an irritated look. “I might have challenged Guy… we ended up having a bake off. Which he _lost_ mind you! I would never make such a mess!”

“I am unaccustomed to the art of baking!” Guy said unashamedly. “Although I assure you, this challenge will not remain unfinished! I will bake an edible loaf of bread!”

“That’s really not necessary,” Taichi mumbled, rubbing his forehead to stave-of a headache. “I would actually appreciate it if you wouldn’t actually. Anyway, I’m going to get Hina into a dress. You lot don’t touch anything else. I mean it!”

He sent the two boys a pointed glare, and I was reminded of tousan. I blinked back the image and let Taichi hold my hands. He pulled me up into my room with an uncharacteristic amount of confidence. He really had changed.

“You really should tell Matsu to refrain from challenging Guy, or he’ll never hear the end of it. I certainly don’t,” I said amused.

Taichi let out a grumble, dusting off some more white flour from his hair before opening my wardrobe. He shuffled through my clothes and handed me a deep blue and green outfit. He really did have an eye for fashion. Him and Kurenai would have really dominated the fashion industry if they were born in my old world.

“You don’t look excited,” Taichi said, looking away a little awkwardly.

“I just don’t feel like celebrating… doesn’t feel like there’s anything to celebrate anymore,” I said truthfully, before absently running my fingers over the soft cotton.

“I think it’s worth celebrating,” he said startling me from my thoughts. “You’re alive, and you’ve made it this far haven’t you. That’s always worth celebrating.”

His words were soft and kind and reminded me of the old Taichi just a little, except now his words weren’t just pretty, it felt real. I nodded, unable to truly bring myself to smile more than forcing an upward tilt of my lips. It seemed to assuage his fears for a second.

“I guess it’s ok to be grateful for what we do have,” I relented.

“You remember what I told you?”

“It's ok to grieve and it's ok to cry, but it's not ok to lose yourself to pain,” I recited.

“That’s right. Kaasan and Tousan wouldn’t want you to mope about forever anyway.”

I chuckled at that. “When did you go and decide to grow up without me, huh?”

“Since the day I realised you needed me.”

His answer to my mostly joking question made my heart flutter. I leant in and put my forehead against his shoulder. Sometimes a gesture spoke more than a thousand words. I was glad. It had been a long time since I felt like this.

“Thanks Tai-nii.”

“Your welcome. Now let’s go celebrate.”

* * *

"An Akimichi barbecue joint? Isn't this expensive?" I asked.

"Well it is a once in a lifetime celebration," Taichi reminded me.

I relented to that logic and followed him inside. I was greeted to the sight of Kurenai, Asuma, and Guy waving at me from the table. I noted a mop of familiar blond hair and was surprised to see both Kakashi and Minato there too. I stopped in my tracks when I saw a familiar tall ﬁgure.

Sensei...

No, not sensei. I paused, unsure of what to do when he turned to me and smiled kindly. I felt my head jerk away in shame. After treating him so terribly and practically shaming him by changing sensei's, I didn't really have the right to look him in the eye. I felt a bout of panic when Taichi pat my shoulders and pointedly left me alone so I could talk to him. He walked up to me and the conﬂicted feeling twisted deeper.

"Just because I'm not your sensei anymore doesn't mean I can't be in your life kiddo," he sighed, scratching his neck.

"I... this is awkward huh," I said ﬁdgeting.

"Now that you said it, it is," he laughed, which dragged a chuckle out of me too.

I looked up meekly and searched his face for any resentment. He didn't look angry. Not one bit. Relief blossomed in my chest and it was only overshadowed when his face took a guilty twist.

"I should have visited before. After everything you've been through, I couldn't ﬁnd the right time. Can you forgive me?"

I gaped in confusion. Forgive him? What was there to forgive? I was the one who pushed him away, granted it was a logical necessity at this stage. I was only dragging him into certain death if I let him stay in my life. Still he was looking at me as if he _knew_ something and was unable to tell me of it. I knew that look well. I could never be truly truthful in this life. It was built on lies from the very beginning. Still, it was out of place on someone as open and honest as Gaku. I wanted to press for answers, but it felt incredibly hypocritical of me.

"It's not your fault. I'm ok now," I said lamely.

There was so much more I could say, but words always escaped me. I would no doubt look back later when all was said and done and think up a million things I should have said instead. I ran my hand through my hair and breathed deeply in through my nose.

"It's ok to not be ok," he said.

"People keep telling me that, but I'm ok.”

There are things left to lose, I thought wryly. I looked up at Gaku and felt my heart stammer a beat. I could lose him too, and Taichi, and Tsukiya and the thought itself sent me spiralling into anxiety.

"I'm really proud of you, kiddo. I want you to know that. If you're ever in trouble I'm always here."

I nodded but didn't say much else. Thankfully, we had said our pieces and I was glad to be back in a group setting. It meant I wouldn’t be the only one talking. I accepted a bunch of congratulations on everyone's part and was piled with gifts.

"That's a wet stone," Asuma said. "Thought you'd appreciate something practical."

"Thanks, this will deﬁnitely come in handy."

It was a weighty stone and looked to be of better quality. I ﬁled through the rest and found some other kunai care items. Kurenai brought me a pair of healed steel tipped boots. I nearly laughed at how she took both fashion and practicality into account. Running in small heels would be good to learn as a kunoichi simply because we did most of the infiltration missions… and anyone who’s been kicked by heels knows how stupidly painful it is.

"There's a hidden blade compartment in the heels. So if you ever need to stab someone with your feet, you can just activate the chakra there."

That was admittedly awesome. Guy have me a massive shuriken and several chakra steel strings. Minato and Kakashi had picked out a present together and had gotten me some rather well-made explosive tags and smoke bombs. It was Gaku's turn and when I unwrapped his present, I paused. A scroll. I opened it and found the beast style form and my eyes shot up in surprise.

"B-but I'm not—"

"I told you, I'd eventually teach it to you. Your Taijutsu style wouldn't work without it."

I felt like tearing up, and I couldn't help that I leant over and hugged him for a short second. The brief contact had made me feel safe and pulled an emotion from me I hadn't felt in a while. It was a good feeling.

"Oh and before I forget. Hanami said she's sorry for not making it today. She got you a present too," Gaku said pulling out a blue box.

I opened it and found a book on the tenketsu system. This would be useful. My thoughts were taken from my presents to the food. The smell of heavenly meat hit our noses, and everyone happily began piling the food on. Kakashi who was sitting next to me, somehow was chewing his food before anyone even saw.

"How the heck do you do that?!" Asuma demanded.

"Kakashi is most stealthy!" Guy admitted.

I chuckled. "I personally think it's a genjutsu."

I was surprised when Kakashi sent me a glare. Minato laughed and I snorted.

"What? It's just a theory," I said.

"A genjutsu? Do you know a few Kakashi-kun?" Kurenai asked in apt interest.

"A few," he replied vaguely.

"Can you teach me some day?" Kurenai asked, her red eyes brimming with interest.

Kakashi paused before hesitantly nodding. Asuma snorted, taking my attention away.

"First we gotta get someone to teach us how to water walk," he grumbled.

Wait, he was still stuck on that? I laughed when Minato pointedly told him he needed to tree walk ﬁrst. Asuma, in classic Asuma fashion said he didn't need to if he could just climb trees with his hands. The conversations was so normal, and even Taichi had integrated so easily in with the ninja, that it made me forget my stressful life for a moment. I joined in, laughing, and chatting with my friends. I knew it was foolish to feel so at ease, but the atmosphere was contagious.

"You're smiling Hi-chan," Taichi noted.

"I am, aren't I?"

* * *

Peace was a ﬁckle thing. ROOT came to me soon after, and I found myself back in the hell hole of underground corridors that smelt of cold steel and sanitised blood. The world seemed to be pulling me from the casual company of friends to the dark corners of human depravity in a jarring fashion. I found the sudden change not so foreign anymore. I had become so used to how completely different my life could become. Kusari grounded me in this dark place.

"You brought another book?" he asked.

I nodded and handed him a romance novel I had brought solely for him. I didn't really have the time to read anymore. Getting an emotional response from Kusari was hard these days. He had shut himself of from his emotions like he had been taught. ROOT agents were trained to be tools, a degrading position that somehow shinobi seemed to hold in high regard. What was the point of becoming an emotionless husk, if you lost what made you who you are in the ﬁrst place? I was Kusari's last link to his humanity.

"They... love each other. They kiss and hold hands and they're always there. Can I hold your hands and kiss you?"

I blinked in surprise. His steel blue eyes didn't hold any shyness or joy or anticipation. He was asking for something so intimate without even a glimmer of emotion. I held out my hands and wrapped my ﬁngers around his. He leant forward and my hand shot up reﬂexively to stop his face before it reached mine. A glimmer of confusion and hurt wrung through his eyes and I sighed.

"Sorry... It's not your fault."

"You don't love me?" he asked, face twisting in not quite a grimace but not a pleasant emotion either.

Did I love Kusari? He was just a boy who looked like my late cousin, someone I wanted to protect for my own selﬁsh purposes. I realised my feelings for him were more than a little complicated.

"There are different kinds of love," I began explaining.

Was it a good idea giving him a bunch of romance novels to give him a framework for emotions? It was the only thing that held his attention when it came to emotions and I didn't know what else to do.

"Different kinds of love?" he asked cocking his head.

"Yes, it's not just an act. It's a feeling. When you hold someone in such high regard that you would give anything for them. That's love. When you... kiss that's a different kind of love. Sexual."

"Sexual?"

"Yes, sometimes it's purely physical, but sometimes it can be love too. When the feeling and the physical combine," I struggled to explain to the best of my abilities. "I love you Kusari-kun, but I don't want to kiss you because there's no physical love between us, just emotional."

"But you're holding my hands. That is physical, yes? Do you love me sexually too?"

I spluttered for a second, unsure of how exactly to explain things. I groaned and put a palm on my face. First Matsu didn't understand what bisexuality meant, and now a 7-year-old kid was asking me about kissing and romance. I was too old for this crap. I should be dealing with a mid-life crisis at my age, not literally going through puberty related questions again.

"There's different levels of sexuality. We're considered friends. Friends have each other’s backs and care about each other. That means we can hold hands and hug and tell each other anything, but we don't kiss ok."

"Friends... I like that," he mused, his lips quirking upward.

I could almost imagine Josh's wide smile on his face. My cousin was such a good person, his smile had been bright even after all his pain. Kusari was not him, no matter how alike they looked. This boy was a different person, and I needed to treat him like that. He trusted me. I was the only person in his life for comfort and it was unfair of me to let him down. It made me angry that Danzo had taken away his smile, and his ability to feel. Wasn't that what it meant to be human?

I held his hand a little tighter and pulled him into a hug. If we were caught doing this, I didn't want to think of the punishment we might receive, but for once I didn't really care.

"You had my back when you attacked Hakanai. You killed her for me."

How fucked up was it, that murder almost felt like a present?

"For _us_ ," I said truthfully. "I hate how they have so much power over us."

"Why, we are simply tools?"

"Do we look like fucking kunai?" I asked a little harshly before I pinched his skin. "This is ﬂesh not steel. We _use_ tools, but we aren't tools. Tools don't have friends or feel things. Don't ever let them win Kusari-kun, don't ever stop feeling."

"Not a tool?" he whispered, face twisting in painful confusion.

He trusted me, and so my words affected him as much as his conditioning did. I felt an unhealthy satisfaction about his ambivalence despite his pain. This was good. This meant Danzo didn't truly have him. Danzo would never have what was mine again and Kusari was mine.

"I don't understand," he said softly.

"You will one day. When no one can ever use you again and I'll make sure of it."

"Why? What would be the point of my existence then?"

I paused and frowned. What would be his point? I didn't know and I didn't want to tell him his reason for existing. Kusari had no family to protect, and I was his only bond. I doubted I would kill him when we were inevitably asked to ﬁght each other to the death. I would rather die myself than kill someone with my cousin's face. Living after that would be too painful. How selﬁshly unselﬁsh of me.

"It's ok to live Kusari-kun. It's ok to feel and to be confused. Fight for the important things in your life. Promise me Kusari-kun, that you won't die until you ﬁnd your meaning."

He nodded with conviction and I held out my pinky. It was such a childish exchange, but for the boy who never knew anything else, it was a bond he would never break. When I smiled at him next, a fondness rose in my chest and I knew he was more than just an obligation, because Kusari was a person too, and he was mine.

* * *

After my talk with Kusari I sparred with him and spent the next few hours learning about various common poisons, their symptoms, cures, and applications on the ﬁeld. ROOT training was good for something at least. I never truly stayed for all of it, because Orochimaru still had dibs on me. While I was required to learn ROOT protocol and their style of teamwork, if you could call being an expendable meat-sack teamwork, I was still Orochimaru's student. That meant I was at least not as expendable as the rest of the nameless faceless shinobi who had given up their goddamn humanity.

I changed into my everyday uniform and made my way to the exit where Orochimaru was waiting for me, leaning casually against a wall.

"Orochimaru-sama," I greeted.

"When will you ever call me sensei?" he sighed in mock-hurt.

I just shrugged. I didn't ever want to call him sensei. Gaku was my sensei, heck Hanami was also my sensei, but not Orochimaru. I'd have better luck calling him Orochimaru-the-Danzo-buffer than sensei. Still, he had never been particularly bothered by it until today.

"Why do you care?" I asked curiously.

"Well you are going to meet your new team, aren't you?"

I looked up in surprise. No wonder he seemed more annoyed than usual. Still it was deﬁnitely a calmer presence than what he was like after talking to the Hokage.

"They won't know about... _this_ right?" I asked, gesturing at the both of us.

Orochimaru chuckled. "No, I don't need another assistant. They are simply an obligation."

Wow, I almost wished I could transfer those poor kids to Gaku. Orochimaru may be strong but he would be a terrible teacher. I should know, he hardly instructed me beyond giving me a book or on the occasion directing me to yet another book. It fit my learning style perfectly, but with anyone else it would be detrimental to their progress. He did instruct me very well during the experiments though, so it's not for a lack of ability but for a lack of trying. It worked in my favour of course. I could happily sneak in Fuinjutsu books to study since he hardly ever monitored me, not that he would discourage me from biting Danzo’s ass since he hated him too.

We took to the trees and I was instructed to follow along silently. There was meant to be a test of some sort, a kind of graduation staple apparently. I hadn't been tested by Gaku at all. He just measured out my ability and started training asap. I honestly had no idea what Orochimaru had planned. It wasn't until we reached training ground 13 that we stopped and I ﬁnally got a good look at my future teammates.

They looked a few years older than me. I noticed Anko almost instantly with her dark purple hair and beige clothes. The boy however I hadn't heard of before. His name was Rui if I remembered correctly. He had short light blue hair, pale skin, and pale purple, almost blue eyes. Between the two of them he certainly looked like the more relaxed one.

“So what’s the plan?” I asked.

Orochimaru grinned my way.

“You’re going to attack them.”

_What?_

* * *

Character breakdown special!

* * *

Hina being a biochemist is integral to her character and ideology. She states very clearly that family is something to protect, that blood is more than just love, but an obligation. This is how Hina explains her feelings of affection because she’s driven by logic and so needs a frame of reference for why she feels a certain way. To Hina, love is intrinsically tied to her biological imperative. She views the world from a very scientiﬁc lens and often discounts the abstract. Her mother points this out in her ﬁrst nightmare sequence in chapter 17 when she says, ‘Sometimes logic doesn't explain what you truly need’. To Hina, love is logical, it is a method a species uses for cooperation and survival. She ties her worth to fulﬁlling this obligation (although really, it’s driven by illogical and entirely emotionally driven guilt), which is challenged when she kills her parents to save her brothers.

She thinks this way, and yet she also is a hypocrite because she loves illogically. This can be seen how she comes to care for Emi during her ﬁrst mission on the front lines, despite only knowing the girl for a little while. Meanwhile she can be dispassionate about the welfare of Orochimaru's experiments because they aren't her obligation, and while she has very human moments of sympathy for them, she can just as easily compartmentalise and desensitise herself because of her ﬂawed understanding of what it means to be human. Essentially Hina as a character is on a journey to ﬁnd her soul, what it means to be human.

I write most of my characters as hypocrites. They think one way and act another because I ﬁnd that all humans in real life are hypocrites too. We usually say one thing and do another. In this story Orochimaru is a foil to Hina. He doesn't follow the notions of human limitations or the biological imperative like she does. He wishes to overcome it. He's a hypocrite because in the end he wishes for a successor/child like all humans do and moulds Hina to be like himself. In doing so he is fulﬁlling a very human/biological need for progeny. (I think this can also be seen in Boruto too with Mitsuki)

This story is partly an exploration on human nature (questioning whether war/love/greed, are all things we are born with or whether we can change). Naruto canon does this too, exploring the cycle of hatred, destiny vs autonomy and overcoming prejudice. I'm not going to go down the Naruto canon route with my themes, but they will be somewhat related, especially later on when Ninshu gets touched upon.

Hope you enjoyed this breakdown!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What indeed. Hina is going to have a fun time warming up to her first genin team XD So for context, Hina is one month from being 8 right now, and she’s been a Genin for a year and a bit. Kakashi and Guy are 8 but that’s because they’re 6 months older than Hina. Taichi is around 11 at this stage. Rui and Anko are around 10 years old. Man writing that down really puts into perspective how fucked up the Naruto-verse really is. These kids should be going to school, not to war.


	38. Chapter 38

Snap Back To Reality 38

* * *

"Um... sorry?" I asked in shock.

"I want to test them out. Incapacitate the both of them."

I was a little confused. Wasn't there supposed to be some customary spiel of teamwork or the sort? I didn't mind though. This was a simple task and a spar was always good fun. All I had to go was win against two brats. I wasn't planning to hurt them either, but I hoped they wouldn't resent me in the future for this. I'd rather have a professional relationship with them... well as professional as a relationship you can have with children anyway.

I decided to target the boy ﬁrst. Anko was part of the Naruto story so maybe she was stronger. It did, guiltily, make me want to see her in action before the unknown boy. I was mid-air when I realised, he was a lot better than I predicted. His eyes shot up almost instantly to spot me, and I noticed how clear and pupil-less they were. He threw a kunai at me and I quickly substituted myself with it before I dropped down on his neck like a well coiled snake, twisting his body backwards and toppling him over.

Anko was spurned into action as she shouted in confusion before jumping to pull me off. I dodged her pounce, steering the poor boy under me away by twisting his body a little painfully. I decided that I would have to get off to really test her ability, so I quickly used my ninja wire to bind the boy before jumping away from some kunai and facing off against Anko.

"What the hell kid!" she shouted.

I couldn't suppress my chuckle. "You're a kid too."

"Why are you attacking us?!"

"I'll tell you if you can beat me," I replied with a challenging smile.

She immediately threw some more kunai at me before charging head on. Her stance was pretty good all things considered, and she was rather fast, but as someone who sparred with Kakashi and Guy on the occasion, she didn't even come close. I easily dodged the kunai before taking her in a taijutsu ﬁght. I went on the defensive with Circle Walk, eager to see if she could work around my defences. To my disappointment I found myself easily able to deﬂect her blows with my palms. Then I decided to test her defensive capabilities, going into my Tiger Palm style, and jabbing at her in a moderate pace. Anko was surprisingly sturdy with her defence and unﬂinching with her attacks, even if they were a little sloppy.

Having seen enough, I was going to tie her up too, when suddenly I felt the air current behind me rush. My honed senses allowed me to easily sidestep the boy, Rui, who had managed to somehow escape. So he wasn't actually bad. My knots were pretty solid and tight after all. I let the two of them engage me for a bit, easily blocking, dodging, and jabbing at them a little too, before I thought I had dragged it on enough. I was surprised just how far ahead I was in comparison to them. Was I really a prodigy?

I didn't take a moment to stop and ponder this when I decided to ﬁnally incapacitate the both of them. With a well-aimed sweep, and a palm straight to the stomach, both Genin were on the ground groaning in pain. I felt Orochimaru jump down behind me and clap.

"Well done Hina-chan. I'd say you greeted your new teammates well. Team 13 is oﬃcially on the roster."

"What! You’re our third teammate?!" Anko groaned.

"O-Orochimaru-sama! You're our Jounin sensei?!" Rui exclaimed in shock.

"Wait as in the Sannin? Oh Kami, that's so cool!" Anko said in growing glee before my chuckle made her glare at me. I stepped back, holding my hands up sheepishly. I didn't mean to make her hate me this early. Thankfully, Rui didn't seem to mind me as much as Anko did.

"Shall we begin with introductions then?" Orochimaru suggested, before his gaze fell on me.

Ah, it was ﬁnally happening! The fated moment where I told them my likes, dislikes, hobbies, and dreams! I never thought the day would come. A tear nearly gathered at my eye... no it really didn't actually, although I did feel oddly happy this was even happening. I coughed a little to clear my throat, and I tried desperately to wipe the smile of my face. The anime lover inside of me hardly ever came out but I was feeling it now.

"My name is Suzuki Hina. I like cooking, training, and learning new things. I dislike... well a few things actually, like cockroaches, ramen, bok-choy, and… _bullies_. My hobbies include shogi and a good fight. My dream is to live a happy life with the people I care about."

Really my dream was becoming the strongest shinobi out there so I could demand the safety of my family, and most importantly so I could maim and torture Danzo, but I had a feeling saying that out loud would be ill-advised.

"Boring," Anko muttered, rolling her eyes.

I sent her a miffed look. She grinned enjoying my irritation before deciding to go next without any prompting.

"My name is Mitarashi Anko. I like dango and sweet bean soup. I also like all kinds of hot food too! I dislike cocky brats," she said looking pointedly at me, "and badly made tea. My hobbies include kicking ass and conducting tea ceremonies with lots of dango. My dream for the future is to become a scary badass Sannin!"

She was deﬁnitely enthusiastic. I wondered if she was the 'Naruto' in this team, but I felt bad putting people in such stringent stereotypical categories. My attention turned to Rui, who I knew nothing about. He had surprised me with a lot more skill than I anticipated, and I was ﬁnding myself genuinely intrigued by who he was.

"My name is Chinsei Rui. I like seafood, and people who can think. I dislike spiders, hot weather, and idiots. My hobbies are playing card games and people watching. My dreams for the future includes becoming a Jounin, achieving independence, improving Konoha's trade for more sea-food, ﬁxing up our terrible resource distribution issues, mastering any and all instruments, and becoming a world class koto player."

Both I and Anko found ourselves looking at Rui a little baﬄed. That was a lot of dreams for a ten-year-old. I myself didn't have that many goals... He also somehow managed to say all that with a completely no-nonsense expression. He seemed to notice our baﬄed looks and cleared his throat before looking at Orochimaru. Said Sannin just hummed noncommittally. I didn't expect he would bother introducing himself anyway.

"Well then, seeing as you're my new team, I will have to whip you up into shape. Meet me here tomorrow at 6am sharp. Don't be late."

There was a not so subtle threat there at the end. Then he abruptly left in a cloud of leaves. I turned to my two new teammates and then they ﬁnally took a moment to look at me.

"Ne Suzuki-san, you're wearing a vest. Are you a Chunin?" Rui asked, breaking the silence.

I nodded and before I could say anything Anko shouted her disbelief, "No way, you're like ﬁve!"

"Seven, nearly eight," I coughed, trying to keep the irritation from my tone.

"Five, seven what's the difference. You're still a baby!"

"You do realise you're only ten too," I pointed out with a long sigh.

Thankfully, Rui decided to play peacemaker. "That must mean you're strong. I heard of a young prodigy making Chunin. I guess that was you," he said.

Rui was rather well informed. I would have agreed but I was pretty sure the rumours were more about Kakashi. He did it before I did, and no one ever cared about the second person to do something. Not that I minded the fact. I preferred the anonymity, or at least what was left of it. As a student of a Sannin, I was deﬁnitely going to be well known. There was no way around it.

"I guess, but I think it was more Hatake Kakashi you probably heard about."

"Hey, how long have you been with Orochimaru-sensei?" Anko asked.

"About half a year now. I was with a different Jounin instructor before."

"So you know a lot about him, huh? Think you can tell us what he's like? What he'll make us do tomorrow?"

I scratched my nose and wondered. I really didn't know and I kind of felt bad for not being able to get these kids ready. They would just have to go in blind.

"I'm actually not too sure. I do a lot more self-study than actual training with Orochimaru-sama. It might be different for you."

"Not particularly useful," Rui said bluntly.

I huffed, but a part of me was amused by their absolutely conﬂicting yet similar dispositions.

"You lot should be more respectful to your senpai," I said grinning playfully.

"What! No way, you're not my senpai, you’re a baby," Anko spluttered.

"Who's wearing the Chunin vest here? I can pull rank you know, and as your amazing new senpai, I order you two to come with me. As our ﬁrst team mission, we will have to discuss Intel over dango."

Anko huffed, looking rather amused, and most likely thinking she was humouring a child by agreeing. "Fine then _senpai_ , since you speak my language, I'll follow your lead."

"I'll come because this sounds beneﬁcial. I would very much like to create a professional working relationship with this team. It is of the utmost importance to establish a functioning dynamic built on mutual understanding and trust. It's known to reduce risks to mission complications as well as unnecessary mistakes when team cohesion is at optimal levels. Furthermore ‘bonding’ can also help us acclimate to each other’s temperaments and establish social patterns that we are all comfortable with."

Once again Anko and I simply found ourselves’ unsure of how to reply to Rui. Thankfully Anko was a lot less socially stunted and awkward than I was, which wasn't saying much, so she managed to find something to say before I did.

"Yeah, yeah you don't need to overshare everything Rui," she huffed, her tone exasperated. "Now come on you two, the dango awaits!"

* * *

I looked at my deﬂated wallet and cried. I promised myself from that day onward, that senpai or not, I would never pay for Anko's dango addiction ever again.

“What are you crying over _senpai?_ Isn’t it only right that you treat your underlings?” Anko grinned evilly.

I held my wallet closer and held back a sniffle. Goddammit, I wasn’t a frugal woman, but I didn’t want to spend this much on _dango_. Anko’s hands made those oddly terrifying motions, as she wiggled her fingers and looked at my wallet, ready to pounce. I ducked behind Rui, terrified for my future savings.

“Rui-san, save me,” I cried, before I turned to Anko. “Don’t pick on little kids! That’s so not cool!”

“Oh _now_ you admit to being a _little_ kid?” Anko grinned, snorting. “Doesn’t change the fact that _senpai’s_ gotta take care of their underclassmen. I’m still famished.”

“You’ve currently eaten 34 sticks of dango. 1 stick of dango is approximately 162 calories, and so you have consumed 5508 calories in the span of one meal. That is nearly 4x the average recommended daily intake for a girl your age. If you continue these habits Mitarashi-san you will become overweight.”

I snickered and Anko’s face twitched in irritation. If Rui wore glasses, I was certain this would be the moment he pushed them up the bridge of his nose in the spirit of all smartasses around the world. Rui, while being a smartass, also seemed to be able to read the room a little more than I expected, and so promptly decided to change the subject. He turned to me and I awkwardly let go of his shoulders.

“Suzuki-san, in light of our team coming together, I propose we inform each other of our capabilities and potential future specialisations. As a team it is expected of us to cover each other’s weaknesses.”

I straightened my back and put on my professional face. It was deﬁnitely satisfying to watch the two kids stiffen in posture and pay closer attention. This was important business and I wouldn't have them dying on me out there. I would drill into them the seriousness of their situation before they ever even took a step out of Konoha. I refused to let my team die.

"I am a primarily a Taijutsu and close combat ﬁghter. I specialise in speed, swift kill strikes and distractions. I am capable of using a tanto, but I prefer not to. My Ninjutsu is above average and I know several E and D rank support jutsu and a B rank speed enhancing jutsu. My weaknesses are Genjutsu, Kenjutsu, and long-range area of affect jutsu as I am mostly incapable of getting myself out without help. I am also a novice tracker, sensor and possess basic knowledge of Fuinjutsu."

Rui picked up right after without a moment to waste. It seemed he had done a lot of thinking over in regard to his future, which was not too odd considering he had quite a few goals.

"Due to my mother's training I am well versed in genjutsu, support, and long range ﬁghting. My strengths lie in senbon, shuriken and use of tactical ninja wires. Mainly I am accustomed to setting traps and planning strategies. I lack in close combat situations and often ﬁnd that, despite my form being perfect in Taijutsu, that I am unable to truly ﬁght reﬂexively."

I hummed along. That was good. I needed someone who could help long range. A Genjutsu user was exactly the kind of backup I needed. It would have been perfect if Rui also learnt how to be a ﬁeld medic. I myself wanted to learn the basics soon, but it was on the backburner for now. I turned to Anko who just frowned and crossed her arms.

"I'm a good all-rounder. Got ﬁrst in my cohort for Taijutsu and Shurikenjutsu. My Ninjutsu's ok. I know the Academy three and that's about it. I'm pretty good with poisons and traps too, and Genjutsu shouldn't be too much of an issue. I often see through those. I guess my weakness is the same as you senpai. Ninjutsu that covers a wide area would be hard to get out of."

It seemed Anko was in the same situation as me when I came out of the Academy, except that she knew a bit more. It deﬁnitely wasn't her fault though. The Academy only got you so far. People with Shinobi as parents who could teach them more speciﬁc techniques did end up giving them the edge. I knew she would ﬁnd her more speciﬁc niche soon enough.

I wasn't so sure Orochimaru would do more than necessary with them. If he didn’t, I would have to take up their training and make a plan to get them to their end goal eﬃciently. I didn't know how exactly I would do it, but when there is a will there is a way, and I was not about to let my team be weak.

"You are thinking of something Suzuki-san?" Rui asked.

"Yeah, that you should call me Hina-senpai. That's the least I deserve, especially if I'm going to be stuck paying for your food!"

I enjoyed the air of levity after that. Yup, my teammates didn't need to think I was some stuck-up stick in the mud. I couldn't be as snarky and familiar with them as I had been with Gaku-sensei, but I was sure going to try until they warmed up to me… even if I did have to act a little more childish than I normally did. This was my Genin team after all, and I knew it was a relationship that was bound to last.

"Then _senpai_ , I ﬁnd myself quite hungry," Rui said, cracking a grin.

I cried once again for my wallet.

* * *

The next few days found my team going through a rather amusing training regime. It would have been perfect if Orochimaru decided to stay around to enforce his tasks, but he simply ordered me to do it and told the two kids that if they didn't listen, he would personally see to it that they would learn to. He was intimidating and none of us really wanted to get on his bad side, so we simply did as he told us to. Rui and Anko were thrown headfirst into strength training, on top of several classes on multiple topics ranging from tactics to poisons and even seduction techniques. Orochimaru was a firm believer of being knowledgeable on all topics. Unfortunately for the children, they were no prodigies and each day found them arriving with darker eye bags than my own. I didn’t have enough sympathy not to laugh at their plight. It was kind of funny when it wasn’t me being tortured. Fortunately for them, they did not have mandatory lab time with Orochimaru.

Sometimes I found myself helping him with a rather _messy_ experiment. Those usually ended up in me on clean up duty, trying to rub off blood stains, which were incredibly hard to get off wet towels at the end. It was never pleasant, and I would never truly get used to hearing people beg for their lives on an operating table.

Most times though, I found myself working with Orochimaru on research. It was a nostalgic process. In my previous life I had co-workers, people who I would bounce ideas off of. We were in the leading research department for our pharmaceutical after all. In the field of science there was often times more inquiry than there were answers or breakthroughs. Seldom did anyone find something note-worthy in their careers. Learning alongside Orochimaru however, made me realise that there was brilliance, and then there was _brilliance_. Orochimaru, for all his creepy snake tendencies, was a being with a wealth of knowledge that made the scientist inside of my giddy with anticipation. Often times I found myself stumped by his ground-breaking research.

"Pass me the vertebrate," Orochimaru said snapping me from my thoughts.

I handed him the piece of bone from the snake and watched him insert a syringe and extract a ﬂuid from inside. He had been involving me in more than experiments that required an assistant now. Maybe it's because I spent quite a bit of time brushing up on advanced scientiﬁc concepts from this world. I had improved on my vocabulary and jargon, replacing the English words in my head for the common language here. It was all that study and effort that made it possible to hold a conversation with Orochimaru without sounding uneducated, although a lot of the foreign concepts of chakra science and human biology in relation to chakra were still new to me.

"This is the enzyme I use to trigger growth," he said before dropping some of the ﬂuid into a test tube. It was a light purple colour, clear and somehow so innocuous in appearance.

"It triggers the somatotropin?" I asked.

Orochimaru smiled and nodded. He drank it before drawing out his sword and holding it at his hand. I was going to ask him what he was thinking when he swiftly cut off his arm. I gaped in surprise, taking a step back as blood squirted straight at me. Before I could question this man's sanity, I saw something that shocked me, although I really should have expected it. The bone jutted out and grew, the muscle and ﬂesh stretched out like magic until the arm itself went back to normal as if it hadn't just been cut off.

"Incredible," I whispered in awe.

Truly this was incredible. I looked up at Orochimaru's pleased expression and I found myself once more reluctantly amazed by his genius. Was this how he regenerated even after being murdered?

"To accomplish this is no easy feat. You will have to study the human anatomy to its absolute limit. Every nerve, organ, tendon, and muscle is formed with pure intent. If you place even one aspect of it in the wrong position, you might ﬁnd your arm unusable."

I almost didn't want to ask, but my brain whirled into a million questions at his choice of phrasing.

"Orochimaru-sama, are you... letting me learn how?" I asked in amazement.

His yellow eyes sparkled with some kind of hungry curiosity as he looked me down. I shivered under his intense gaze, reminded once again of both his ability to both help, and control me. It was a thin line I walked on around him. I would be remiss to not make myself useful. I knew that if the day ever came that I was of no use, this man would kill me without remorse. It was what made Orochimaru who he was. He had a one-track mind despite his brilliance.

"Call it intellectual curiosity. I want to see if you're capable of learning."

"What if I can't?" I asked.

He chuckled. "Why, then you'll ﬁnd yourself an arm short."

For most of this life I had spent my time doing physical training. I studied Fuinjutsu out of necessity no matter how slow going, and sometimes I read whatever Hanami could give me from the hospital. It wasn't until Orochimaru inserted himself into my life that I truly began researching again. His library truly was a treasure trove of information... granted it was deﬁnitely unethically sourced. Though I was in no position to judge, it did tire me down to see the human suffering.

I didn't enjoy it, as desensitized to it as I had become. It chipped something away when one looked into the eyes of a man they aided in breaking. Their lives were a number, a sacriﬁce for power and safety. I should feel ill, or maybe even guilty, but there was no use feeling those emotions. I was simply doing what I needed to do to survive.

In the end everything came down to surviving. I ended up in this life after trying so desperately to help my family survive and I would continue to do so. Even looking at my arm now, feeling a sick terror at the idea of having to cut it off myself, I could not stop. Orochimaru liked to call me a masochist but I didn't enjoy pain, nor did the idea of chopping off a limb sound appealing. I remembered the feel of a sword through my hip and phantom pain sparked through my side. It was a burning kind of pain, that left you breathless and shivering. I didn't want to think what it would be like to chop off an entire limb.

The books upon books on anatomy Orochimaru had gifted me made me feel a little better. I would have the knowledge to improve, to never have to feel so hopeless again. I had thought before, that allowing myself a power boost from something like a cursed seal was a terrible fate, that it would mark me as someone else's. Humans were adaptable if nothing. I had been branded by Danzo, a seal placed on my tongue without my consent. I had already become his. His chakra, even now was within me.

There was nothing more demeaning than that, not even giving my body wholly to Orochimaru to break down and build up. In the end strength was strength no matter where it came from. I couldn't simply discard his help, no matter the consequences I knew would bite me later for doing so.

"I can breathe, and I can calm my soul," I whispered in reassurance.

In the end where the power came from didn't matter because it was mine. I would wield it, not Orochimaru, and deﬁnitely not Danzo. I had failed so terribly, but there was no excuse to continue doing so. Taichi and Tsukiya were mine, and this body was a small price to pay. I looked down at my arm once more and found the strength to imagine cutting it off, because I knew now that failure was not an option. I would grow it back. I would become stronger. I would struggle until all my bones were broken if I had to, but I would not fail again.

Never again.

* * *

OMAKE

* * *

Team photos were apparently a customary thing. I had no idea. A part of me loved the idea though. A memento to frame a chapter of your life which was admittedly very important considering Genin teams that worked well together could end up assigned as consistent partners for missions later down the line. I had put on a cute green kimono top with my standard dark blue shorts just for the occasion. I was excited… or at least I _was_ until _Anko_ came up to me with her smug little face.

“Ne, _vege-senpai_ ,” she greeted. “Pull that face for me.”

“What face?” I asked, raising a brow.

“Here, let me help!”

I yelped in surprise when her fingers grabbed at my waist and she began tickling me. I lost control of my sides, and puffed out my cheeks, trying desperately to both gain control of my body and not trying to laugh. She laughed sadistically and I let out a cry as she got that one spot right above my hips that had me doubling over. I tried pushing her off, but it was too late, and I started laughing.

“Stop!” I wheezed.

I blinked in surprise when a snap of light and a click of a machine took me off guard. Anko finally got off me and the laughter bubbling from my throat died down and I glared instead. I was mortified when three boys came from behind her, one of them holding a camera.

“So this is the adorable vege-senpai you were talking about.”

I scowled, blushing in embarrassment as I dusted myself off and tried to regain my dignity. The three boys looked somehow familiar… yet not. One of them had a toothpick in his mouth, the other a piece of cloth around his nose, and the last one just looked flat out frightening. Were they in Anko’s graduating class? I shook my head. That didn’t matter! I wanted the lazy looking one to give me back the picture he took. He fanned it out before looking at it and snorting in amusement.

“Hey, what gives Anko?! And you—give that to me,” I grumbled in irritation.

“Ah sorry about that, but when Anko told me she had a younger teammate who made the cutest expressions, I couldn’t help but want to check it out,” the boy replied winking my way.

The one with a bandage across his nose smacked him upside the head and I felt a little vindictive pleasure at his pain. Why exactly was he trying to flirt with me anyway? I sent Anko a look and the little shit just shrugged her shoulder, looking entirely too innocent.

“Excuse Genma, he’s an incorrigible flirt. Anyway it’s good to finally meet you Suzuki-san. I’m Morino Ibiki, and the other idiot here is Kotetsu.”

I blinked in mild shock. It had been a long time since Anko that I had met any other ‘canon Naruto characters’. So this was the future Chunin, Head of T&I, and Hokage guard. I was still a little miffed though before Genma slipped the picture to Kotetsu while Ibiki was introducing them, and now the older boy was laughing with Anko.

“She does have a funny expression,” he snorted.

I used a well-timed body-flicker to snap the picture out of their hands before tearing it to bits. The kids all gulped in nervousness as I let out a little killing intent.

“Now, now, you shouldn’t be treating your _superior officers_ like this,” I said a little darkly, and they all fell in line… well except Anko. She would never respect authority. I turned my attention to said very irritating girl. “Now don’t we have something to get to?”

I was saved by Rui who walked in from behind and confirmed it for me. “We do, and we’re running late.”

“—Wait what?”

“It was meant to be taken five minutes ago. I came to collect you two for your unprofessional tardiness,” he said, before he noticed the camera in Genma’s hands. “That is exceptionally hard to procure. What channels did you pass through to—”

“—Rui, focus! We need to get to the picture!” I said hastily.

Before the other kids could protest, I grabbed both my teammates by their collar and abused the crap out of the Wind Walker to rush to the studio. I stopped abruptly in front of the door and both Anko and Rui stumbled forward from the whiplash. They groaned, holding their mouth and stomach.

“Ughh, I told you to warn us before doing that,” Anko grumbled.

“Hmm consider that payback, you troublesome girl,” I replied with a vindictive smile.

“May I remind you that I played no part in any of this,” Rui grumbled from behind me, which I did feel mildly bad about.

We entered and I was shocked to see Orochimaru surrounded by women. He looked distinctly uncomfortable in the middle of their affections, and for the first time his expression turned to _relief_ when he looked our way. He was practically crying out for help. A part of me wanted to turn the other way and let him suffer under their attentions for longer, but I saw the annoyed photographer sending us three a glare and I was cowed. We walked in and Orochimaru finally had an excuse to leave them. The girls looked very disappointed and I wondered what exactly they were seeing in the snake, because it clearly wasn’t his good looks… oh kami—was it? Before I felt like puking, I decided to focus back on the angry photographer.

“Right, right, everyone in position. Jounin up the back, you two girls at the side, and the boy in the middle. Let’s make this snappy,” he said impatiently.

Orochimaru made no mention to talk to us, and Rui obediently walked to stand in front of him. Anko bumped my side with her elbow and sent me a coy smile to which I replied with a suspicious frown. What was she so smug about? And as she went to stand besides Rui, she pulled out a little slip of a photo with my cheeks all puffed out trying not to laugh and I went bright red.

“Give that to me!”

“No way, it’s so cute! I’m going to keep it forever and show everyone.”

“What are you kids fighting about now?” Orochimaru sighed.

Anko grinned evilly as she made grabby hands at me, and we both ignored the photographer. His voice had drowned out like background noise, especially considering I was more focused on how flustered Anko was, so it came as a surprise to me that he snapped the picture right as I was holding her face away from me as she made grabby hands from behind Rui. Not to mention I was… flipping her off.

It was only when the weight of Orochimaru’s hand threateningly weighed on my head, that I gulped and stopped fidgeting, but by that time it was too late and the photographer looked absolutely done with us. He printed out three picks before we could even ask for another take, and when I looked down to see the terrible photo I nearly wanted to cry.

“Can’t we take another one?!” I asked.

“No, I have a whole line! You’ve already kept me waiting long enough.”

He gestured to the very long line full of restless Genin teams all squawking like terribly loud and hungry baby birds, and suddenly his short temper made sense. I sent Orochimaru the best puppy dog eyes I could, but the man’s heart was a cold rock and it hardly affected him.

“No we’re not getting another one. I’ve wasted enough time as is,” he said snippily before he looked at the giggling women by the corner waving at him and paled even further. “I am going to take my leave!”

He practically teleported away, in such frightening speed that it made me wonder if he was trying to beat Minato, or if fangirls really did have a way of motivating him to his full potential. I turned my irritated face back to Anko and pointed accusingly at her.

“You!”

She pointed at herself and looked around in mock confusion. WHAT A LITTLE SHIT!

“You ruin the fated introduction and now the Genin photo! You will be punished!”

I pounced at her. She yelped in sudden worry and took off in a sprint. I ignored the absolutely done sigh from Rui as I tackled my teammate. Time to tickle her to death and see how she liked it!

Retribution!

Hope you enjoy this team photo. I wrote the whole omake based on this image XD


	39. Chapter 39

Snap Back To Reality 39

* * *

~3 years later

I slinked into the camp, brush in mouth, senses overreaching as far as I could go. After a moment of pause I pinged my chakra out and pinpointed 3 seals on the premise, and two guard’s underneath. I pulled the black cloth over my face and grimaced. I hated stealth missions because of these stupid masks. How did Kakashi do it? After taking a moment to grieve how itchy my nose was now, I continued on my mission. I dropped a summon snake on the nape of one of the Iwa-nin’s neck beneath me before dropping straight on the other.

_Form 1- Circle Step: Aerial Style Disarming Whirlwind_

Then I twisted my thighs around his neck before a soft crack tore through the silence and the other man dropped down paralysed. I jumped off my unfortunate victim’s shoulders before catching his body and dropping him down gently, and then I quickly dispatched of the paralysed man before taking a moment to check my surroundings. No one was coming. After breathing a sigh of relief I pulled out my brush and began on deconstructing the Fuinjutsu seals around the premise. With the last of the triggers to worry about I decided it was time to leave. I looked at the man lying down dead and sighed.

Well fuck, it was time to wear someone’s skin again.

* * *

I made my way out of the camp easily enough. A few shinobi even afforded me a greeting. It always felt a little bad knowing they were speaking to a dead friend who was being worn by an enemy like a new pair of jeans. Certainly, that would be cause for some therapy in the future for those poor souls. I pulled out my red-taped kunai and began sharpening it, a visual signal I used to identify myself. Anko and Rui were behind me by the brush and I pretended to be guarding the spot in front.

“Was the mission successful?” Rui asked.

“Yes, I swapped the coordinates,” I replied.

“Orochimaru-sensei told me he wanted us to implicate the commander with treason,” Anko supplied.

“This late into the mission?” I grumbled.

Well this was proving to be as annoying as every other goddamn mission with the Sannin. I missed the good old days of just some simple brutal fighting at the border posts. Here I was playing sabotage and redirecting whole forces of men to the slaughter like it was a fun game of ninja tag. Now I had to wrongly convince someone that their commander was a traitor. Oh, the joy of this fucking job.

“You know sensei, he’s smart but he likes to add things at the most annoying times,” Anko sighed.

“Troublesome man,” I hissed, before my thoughts were startled by a newcomer.

I signalled behind my back and both Anko and Rui slinked back into the shadows. The woman who came up to me looked like she was familiar with this man. She smiled and languidly moved too close, wrapping her arms around his waist and giggling.

“What are you doing out here? Already tired of Takimi’s bickering?” she asked.

These kinds of questions were always problematic. I had no idea about this man’s life or his relationships but judging from the way she had her hips practically grinding at his, I could make inferences. Still, I made it a habit not to respond verbally to personal questions like that. I had no idea of this man’s speech habits or his tone, so I simply snorted before pulling her into a kiss. It was an unpleasant feeling, but I made it a habit to remind myself that this was simply a job and pretending to be passionate was not actually being passionate.

The kiss was abruptly ended by a kunai to my side. I kicked her away before flipping back. Her smile dropped and she scowled.

“Banzan has always refused my advances. You can drop your henge now,” she scowled.

I sighed. Well, time to traumatise another poor soul. The man’s mouth ripped open and I pulled my body out, feeling the regenerative liquid of the white snake drench me slightly. The woman was openly gawking at me now, her eyes wide, pupils dilated, and breath hitched. She nearly dropped her kunai.

“Y-you _wore_ him,” she whispered, before she visibly gagged and promptly swallowed her puke so she could be ready. Her stance hardened and her killing intent was palpable. I looked around and was more than relieved to find that no one else had come outside.

“Rui, Anko go get caught by the patrols up the west wing and meet me at escape point B,” I ordered.

The only sound to indicate they left were the rustle of leaves. It meant they caught my plan. Everything had been going fine up until this woman showed up. She would have already alerted the guards to an intruder presence by now. Now all we could do was make it seem like we had failed in our attempts to infiltrate. It would throw suspicion of whether or not their assets had been compromised. They hopefully wouldn’t think to double check.

I needed to wrap this up to go and make sure both Anko and Rui were safe. The poor woman didn’t last a second against me. I had already summoned a small paralytic snake by her neck when she came in for the kiss. She was fated to die the moment she caught on. She fell to the ground, eyes wide and I stabbed her straight in-between her temple, ending her life quickly. I had no time to risk it in a Taijutsu battle, no matter how fun that sounded.

I turned to the sounds of Anko’s cursing and sighed. A fucking long mission indeed and I wasn’t even allowed to fight anyone properly.

* * *

~2 months later

The bath was scalding hot, just how I liked it. I kicked my feet up from under the water and trailed my eyes down to the unmarred skin where there should have been scars. It was baby smooth. A part of me thought it was a little unfair that I had been stabbed multiple times since my transformation, but I couldn’t have any cool scars to show for it anymore. The only ones that remained were the major battle wounds and the ones I sustained as an early Genin.

“Hina, you’ve been in there for 3 hours now!” Taichi called out, annoyed.

I sighed, sinking deeper into the tub, and blowing bubbles out of my nose. I didn’t want to come out. I’d spent months, yet again, killing enemy nin in Kiri with Orochimaru. There weren’t many opportunities for a proper bath. I had the right to a little self-indulgence. It also helped that I was abusing my skills with fire jutsu to keep the water toasty.

“Coming,” I called out reluctantly before emerging out of the water.

I went through a few hand seals and sighed contently as my body heated up, and with a burst of hot wind I was dry. Abusing jutsu for everyday purposes would get me scolded, but what people didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them, and with how long my hair had become I really couldn’t be bothered drying it the traditional way. I tied it up in a ponytail at the base and glanced briefly at my reflection on the foggy mirror by the cabinet. Slitted eyes stared back at me and I pointedly looked away.

I threw on a black tank top and green shorts before making my way back out to the kitchen. After nearly ﬁve years of being a Shinobi, it wasn't so hard to pinpoint a little kid sneaking up on you. I had to hold back a grin and walk a little slower when Tsukiya ambushed me from the side. He jumped on me and I let myself get knocked over.

"Got'ch you!" he giggled.

I put a dramatic hand on my forehead. "Oh no the terrible Tsukiya got me! I am at his mercy."

"That'hs right! Hokage Tsukiya is taking you in now!" he giggled.

"Not so easily, he won't," I grinned back, grabbing him before toppling him over and tickling him like crazy.

"Stoph," he cried, his cute little baby lisp making him even more undeniably adorable.

Tsukiya's laugh would never grow old. His green eyes, a shade brighter than mine were so light and innocent. It made me feel both protective and content. His giggles were to die for. Taichi, who had become a mother hen stepped in to stop the fun.

"Ok, Tsu-chan. I told you not to sneak up on Hina, didn't I?" Taichi chided.

I understood the worry. It was a general rule of thumb never to sneak up on a ninja, least you want an accidental death. We were known for our auspicious trigger ﬁngers. Still, I thought it was a little amusing that Taichi assumed a four-year-old brat like Tsukiya could even sneak up on me in the ﬁrst place. Tsukiya wasn't thinking along the same lines. His cute face was in a pout. Taichi went for a long-suffering sigh as he got no aid from me. In this relationship I was the doting parent. One of us had to be.

"Go put away your toys and come sit down for dinner," Taichi ﬁnally ordered.

"Aww do I have tah?" Tsukiya whined.

"Yes, or no dessert," Taichi reprimanded.

The four-year-old sulked away. I chuckled, feeling immensely relieved that he hadn't been angry or forgotten me for being away for so long. The missions seemed to be getting longer and longer these days. Orochimaru, despite having a Genin team was called onto a lot of more high-risk missions. It would have been terrifying to tag along on such dangerous missions had Orochimaru not been our leader. For all his sadism, he would not let one of us die out there. It was more out of a selﬁsh need to not fail, than any kind of camaraderie or love, but it played in our favour either way.

All this time away wasn't easy though. It was just death after death, and not even the fun kind where you fought a worthy opponent head on in a thrilling battle to the death. Nope… nothing ever epic happened to me. It was always discreet assassinations, and boring sabotage missions. There had been a few key missions in destroying supply lines and breaking down Kumo morale, but things were looking bad now. It felt like the war would never end.

I turned my thoughts to the gyoza on the table. It had Mebuki's signature ﬁngers on it. Her gyoza was the best after all. After months of rations and wild meat, I was ready for some real ﬂavours. I helped Taichi fry it up.

"How much time do you have before your next mission?" he asked, mouth set in a thin line.

"Two weeks," I replied, feeling the tiredness set in. For all my battle lust when I was there in the moment, I was no good when the high crashed. Shinobi spent 99% of their time on travel, planning, waiting and about 1% of that time in actual combat.

"It feels like your breaks are getting shorter and shorter. How is the war looking? Is it going to end soon?" Taichi asked, a hint of desperation edging his tone.

"Who knows. Sometimes it feels like it never will," I admitted, closing my eyes and yawning. "Suna has ﬁnally decided to provide aid. They have a new Kazekage now."

"What happened to the old one?" Taichi asked alarmed.

"I don't know. Rumour is that he got assassinated. Either way, it's a good thing for us, but not for the war. Now we have more bodies to send out. It's going to drag out longer," I said stretching.

Taichi went silent. He normally did when he was angry. I knew his emotions weren't really directed at me, or I would be feeling it. He had very nearly complained to a ROOT ninja about my growing mission schedule and how taxing it was on me. I had stopped him before he could say anything, or he really wouldn’t be alive right now. ROOT had me at their beck and call, but at the end of the day, so did the Hokage. Missions were missions. During war you really didn't have a say what you were assigned to do, you just did it. In that respect, shinobi from the greater village and ROOT were treated very much the same.

Danzo had more important things to do than torment me or any of his current lackeys. The Hokage had personally payed the Foundation a visit and hadn't disbanded it according to my knowledge. At the end of the day my enemy wasn't just the Foundation, it was the system, and maybe even the current Hokage. I couldn't ﬁght it for now, not until I tested something out anyway… and it wasn't immediately threatening anyone I cared about, so all I really had to worry about was the war... and yet it was still incredibly taxing. I felt so tired these days, but there was no time to simply sit back and relax.

The days hanging out by the red bridge river were over. I hardly even saw the kids anymore, besides Kakashi and team Shisui if we encountered each other on missions rarely. Anko and Rui, despite being my Genin team, were too far behind me to accompany me and Orochimaru on our missions and were often left at border posts alongside other Jounin. It had becoming a lonely job without Gaku-sensei by my side.

"You shouldn't encourage Tsukiya to ambush you. He talks too much about Shinobi," Taichi said, changing the subject.

"All kids do," I dismissed.

"No, he has that... _look_. I know he's only four but he's only a year away from being Academy age. If he— if he wants to be a shinobi, I can't stop him."

I tried desperately to keep my expression schooled. The very idea of my otouto joining the Academy sent my blood running cold. I wouldn't allow it. I wouldn't allow it on my life. I hadn't really given it thought before. All children played with toy kunai. All children dreamt of being shinobi. Tsukiya would grow out of it like all children did... right?

"I will stop him," I frowned.

"You know we can't. It's treason to stop him. If they ﬁnd out they can have you killed," Taichi said, shaking his head. "No, it's better to discourage him now. Then he won't agree when the Chunin come by for his consent."

I didn't want to agree but Taichi was right. The war was dragging, and children were out on the battleﬁeld now. The graduation age had dropped from 12 to 10 early on, but now children were being spurned out at 7, with barely two years of training. Granted they were only assigned to menial tasks at the border post or at the Konoha walls if they were lucky. To add to the already morally dubious nature of sending children out to war, let alone having 12 year olds work in the first place, they had also made it mandatory for all children to be given the right to consent to conscripting as shinobi at the ripe old age of ﬁve. Because of course ﬁve year olds knew exactly what kind of horrors they were signing themselves up for and were mature enough to give consent.

"I will talk to him. I will show him if I have to. Don’t worry, he won't ever become one," I said ﬁrmly.

I wouldn't let him go out there, wouldn't let his vibrant green eyes dull with the weight of death like mine had. The smell of burning made me realise I might have forgotten to ﬂip the gyoza and I quickly scrambled to do so.

"I put away the toys!" Tsukiya said, bounding up to me and reaching up to grab my shorts. "Can you hold me upside down again?!!"

I was about to eagerly pick him up and walk on the ceiling when Taichi shot me a look. I wilted, trying desperately not to cave to Tsukiya's cuteness.

"How about tomorrow?" I said instead, unable to shatter my otouto's dreams.

"Promise?" he asked with a big smile.

"Oh, look the gyoza's done!" I exclaimed in hopes of dodging a promise.

Thankfully, it worked and Taichi stopped glaring and gave me a look of approval. I shovelled the food onto three plates before setting up the salad. Then we sat down to eat, and I nearly melted at the taste of some real food after months!

"Tsukiya, use your chopsticks. You know how to do it. Mebuki will have your head if you don't know by now," Taichi reprimanded.

"I can do it! It's just so hard. I like my hands more," Tsukiya complained.

"Using chopsticks will make your ﬁngers really fast like mine you know," I said teasingly.

His eyes lit up and he looked down at his chopsticks with a look of determination. Then he picked them up and stuck his tongue up in determined concentration as he began eating. Taichi let out another sigh, shaking his head in disbelief at me. I gave him a weak shrug and chuckled. I looked back at Tsukiya, trying so cutely to use chopsticks and I wondered how kaasan and tousan would say. They would be so proud and doting right now. Tousan would be patient, chuckling a little at his expensive and Kaasan would fret and hover until Tsukiya would complain and do it himself if just to get away from her. That was what should have happened. It never would now.

3 years and it seemed the guilt would never truly leave. I had robbed them of their parents. I didn't think I deserved to ever stop feeling guilty. Now looking at their smiles, I felt oddly out of place.

* * *

I visited the Academy again. It was around 12 pm which usually meant I'd catch a glimpse of Guy running around the school doing his laps. He was unrelenting like that. For some reason though, I saw no Guy. It was another 10 minutes before I decided that Guy was in fact not here doing his runs, which was odd in itself considering he was timely if nothing.

"Suzuki Hina?"

I turned around to see Tsyuya-sensei from my time in the Academy. The stern lady didn't look all that much older, like she hadn't aged a day, but the permanent scowl on her face was largely the same. Oddly enough the lack of any change on her part was comforting.

"Tsyuya-sensei," I greeted happily.

"No need to call me sensei anymore," she snorted. "We're both Chunin now."

I nodded, unsure of addressing her as an equal, but unwilling to put up a ﬁght on this. Instead I decided to ask a more pertinent question.

"Do you know where Might Guy is?" I asked.

She blinked before sending me a look. "He graduated last month. Kurenai and Asuma did too, if you're asking," she informed me, before her lips took a rare upward tilt. "I guess you can't be sneaking them out of class again."

I let out a sheepish laugh, although it was a little forced. I was still reeling from the news that they had graduated. That probably meant Rin and Obito had too, and that could only mean one thing... Kakashi was probably stuck doing D ranks again. I couldn't help the evil giggle that escaped my lips before I turned to Tsyuya and bowed a little in thanks.

"Thanks for the info! Do you know where I might be able to ﬁnd them?"

Tsyuya's amusement grew if anything. "It shouldn't be too hard for you considering their sensei is an Inuzuka you might have heard of."

"Gaku-sensei?" I asked in shock.

Her smile said everything. I quickly waved a hasty goodbye before leaving to my old training ground. I dropped onto a tree and I was a little shocked to see Asuma, Guy and Kurenai all training with Gaku. I felt incredibly stupid when a bout of childish jealousy threatened to overtake me. It does as quickly as it came. In the end, I had left him for his own good. Involving himself with me further would have forced Danzo to get rid of him. He liked to have full control of his agents after all.

This was—this was good... Gaku had always wanted kids. I knew he couldn't have them, not with Nami going through miscarriage after miscarriage. This was good. It was what he needed. It was something I couldn't give him.

"Are you going to keep sulking up there?" Gaku called out.

The kids turned their heads up in confusion and I let out a little laugh before landing down and startling them. Gaku snorted, amusement, and... fondness running through his eyes. I relaxed a little at his expression, feeling more than a little guilty for my earlier jealousy. He had new students now, but it was silly of me to assume he cared any less about me, even if our relationship now was a lot more distant than it used to be. I did miss being carried around on his shoulders and training with him. It was a lot more fun and less mentally taxing than dealing with Orochimaru.

Guy took me from my thoughts as he rushed at me to pull me into one of his signature bone crushing hugs. I chuckled as he lifted me up a little in the air. Yama barked in equal joy, jumping onto my side, and licking my face.

"Hina-chan! You're back!"

Then he put me down and squinted his eyes a little before realising he was looking up at me. Yes, looking _up_ because I was _not_ a midget!

"You've become so tall! Truly the spirit of youth is shining on you!"

"That's unfair," Asuma said, measuring the distance between the top of his head and mine with his hands.

Kurenai just chuckled at their antics. I laughed too. Gone were the days of being a midget. I was still pretty short, as all kids were, but I was actually quite tall for a ten-year-old, being more the height of a twelve to thirteen-year-old now. Orochimaru hadn't been pumping me full of chemicals for me to stay a stunted shorty forever. I could exercise to my heart’s content now and not have to worry about lasting damage to my body. With the added growth hormones and the strict nutritional diet I was put on by the Sannin, I had become quite tall and rather healthy too. It helped that I needed less food and only about 5 hours of sleep now to maintain my health.

Body modiﬁcation had its perks. Unfortunately, it had its downsides too, and the extra hours at night weren't allowed to go to waste. Orochimaru had me cramming in research and studies at every given opportunity, and I was ﬁnding it easy to contribute now rather than to just learn. For all intents and purposes I had become a legitimate assistant.

"I can't believe you guys became Genin, and you also happened to get the best ever sensei," I added with a grin.

"Laying it on a little thick there Hina-chan. It won't be getting any brownie points with me," Gaku chuckled.

"Oh well, I tried," I shrugged.

"Still no shame," he said amused, shaking his head.

I kissed the heavens for having Gaku as my old sensei. The Inuzuka's—praise their clan—were easy to forgive and forget. I was sure any other sensei would not be talking to me right now, not after leaving them as abruptly as I did. Gaku truly was a saint. I was just glad that he hadn't turned his back on me, even if I had to pretend to turn my back on him. At least now my friends would have the best sensei ever.

"Well since you're here, how about a spar?" Gaku asked, shocking me out of my thoughts.

"A spar?" I asked, curiosity peaked and a grin taking my face.

Even after all this war and bloodshed, my love for sparring hadn't died down. It was rare these days to simply have a good, harmless challenge with no consequences of death or punishment hanging in the air. Just a good friendly spar.

"You always look so scary when people ask you that," Asuma snorted in amusement. "That's why no one ever offers."

"Hey!" I said a little indignantly before grinning. "I just can't help it. I love a good challenge, and it's been so long since I sparred with sen— with Gaku-san. I want to see how far I've come."

"Don't be too eager. I'm going to beat you into the dirt," Gaku grinned.

"Yosh, this will be interesting! Good luck Hina-chan, sensei!" Guy said moving back.

"I don't know who to cheer on," Kurenai lamented.

Both Gaku and I stood opposite each other, taking a moment to appraise the other before bowing. Asuma said a subdued 'begin’ before we both jumped into action. I went into my Tiger Palm and Circle Walk combined style. I had nicknamed the combination of the two the Tiger Wind style. It was almost instantly that we both engaged in hand to hand, and I found myself quickly on the defensive. Gaku was a Jounin, and he had deﬁnitely earnt that title.

"You've gotten quick kiddo," he said grinning.

He called me kiddo. My heart ﬂuttered a little and I had to chuckle to calm myself down. How did this man always manage to make me act like my physical age? I was 45 mentally now for all I cared. I wasn't going to be distracted by his damned fatherly presence.

"But not quick enough right?" I asked, deﬂecting another blow.

"I know you can do better. Don't hold back. Give me all you've got!"

"You asked for it!"

Then I jumped back and went through my hand signs with practised ease it rivalled a seasoned Jounin. I had done this technique so many times it was damn near well perfect now. The air ﬁlled my lungs and I superheated my bloodstream, pumping the blood to my heart at twice the speed.

_Total Concentration Breathing: Walking in Winds!_

I shot forward in blinding speeds, my palms out, and Gaku's eyes widened in shock before he hastily moved out of the way. I spun the wind around me expertly, using the wind cutter like a true professional before twisting my body in sharp to the right. Sensei jumped back before looking down at his ripped shirt. His wide-eyed expression slowly turned into a feral smile. I got into the Inuzuka beast style and gave him a coy smile.

"You certainly did learn," he grinned.

"Of course I did. I learnt from the best after all," I replied.

"What exactly are you buttering me up for kiddo?" Gaku asked amusedly.

"For the sake of it," I replied easily. "Now less talking, more ﬁghting!"

I didn't know when this became a solely taijutsu based spar, but I thought it was ﬁtting considering that was what he had predominantly taught me, whereas Orochimaru had focused on increasing my jutsu repertoire, and my general knowledge.

We engaged once more in a ﬂurry of blows, each attack blocked just as quickly as the other. I concentrated on keeping my breathing even, keeping my tenketsu ﬂared and aware at all times. Total Concentration Breathing was essentially a way of increasing your blood flow and accelerating your heart rate. It spiked my chakra as the tenketsu system was intrinsically tied to the flow of one’s blood. I had spent these years increasing my lung capacity, training with a seal that essentially caused oxygen deprivation in controlled levels. It also helped me keep my thoughts focused entirely on one task. I only had what I could see in front of me to worry about and reacting when we were both at Jounin level speeds was manageable.

It wasn’t until I went for a cheap shot, using what was essentially a self-taught fire bending technique with my feet, that Gaku became serious. He parried my palm before grabbing me by my stomach and twisting me in the air and throwing me down. I hit the ground with a painful thud, caught off guard by his sudden change of speed and precision. Had he been holding back? The breath left my lungs and my concentration breathing was broken. I tapped the ground to signal giving up and found myself being helped up by Gaku. We did a quick seal of reconciliation before I heaved a sigh.

"You've improved," he said grinning. "But speed isn't enough. When caught in enemy hands, it's best to use that head of yours to get out."

"I thought we were just going for a Taijutsu match," I said huﬃng a little.

"It was never speciﬁed, and a shinobi always looks—"

"—Underneath the underneath. Yeah I know."

"Wow Hina-chan that was amazing! You nearly kicked sensei's butt!" Kurenai chuckled teasingly.

"Kids these days, no respect for their elders," Gaku sighed, shaking his head before a smile took his face. "While I would love to continue training, how about we go get some dessert instead?"

I looked up at him with wide eyes and nodded eagerly. It had been quite some time, years in fact since we sparred and went for dessert after. I was hit with a wave of nostalgia. It was odd to think that there had been a time when work was simple, when really, I only had to worry outside the walls of Konoha, when I was still a Genin under Gaku. Now it felt almost like Konoha was a death trap and the war outside of all things was safer.

Yama licked my face and I chuckled. I gave the dog some quick scratches around the ear and he yipped happily. I really did miss him.

"Will you be ordering chocolate nama cakes again?" Guy asked.

"Always."

* * *

There was always an odd disconnect to my thoughts inside Konoha’s walls. It spoke of family, imprisonment, happy times, and painful experiences all at once. When I remembered back to my first days in this world, trapped in a small body, unable to see or move, I remembered what it felt like to be truly helpless. It was an ugly feeling, a feeling I hoped I’d never face again, but standing admits a crowd of belligerent people, reminded me that I was simply one in a many, a leaf in a tree.

It was with these thoughts that I allowed myself back into my frequented bookstore. I gravitated towards the romance section and waved towards the receptionist. Ayama-san as I had come to know her, was a woman with very peculiar tastes. Mostly it involved domineering women who had a penchant for punishing their male vic… erm— _lovers_. I myself tended to gravitate more towards raunchy lesbian romance, but I wasn’t really here for myself, I was here for Kusari. That meant smut free, pure hetero romance that didn’t quite push the bounds of anything. I always vetted it of course. I had to ensure that the romance wasn’t sending an unhealthy message because Kusari tended to take these things too literally.

“Good to see you’ve stopped buying that trash Icha Icha,” she said, her lips dropping in disgust.

“I—it’s not so bad,” I mumbled, blushing, and looking away.

“It’s indulgent porn, that’s what it is. It has no heart,” she said shaking her head.

I wanted to point out that the porn was actually very well written, and that once my body matured enough it would most certainly elicit a response from me, but I was not so open about my perverted tendencies as _someone_ was. I had no idea how Jiraiya got around declaring his love for porn without being thrown out of decent society. It probably had something to do with being a Sannin. That had to be it.

“Actually, I heard Make Out Tactics is the next in line,” I said, tugging at my collar and feeling my face heat up even more.

Ayama snorted, turning her nose up at the very idea, but she always took orders even if she was a book puritan.

“I’ve ordered several copies for you lower life-forms who have no taste,” she said harshly.

“That’s going a little too far, isn’t it? Anyway, I’ll take that and the new Suna Suna romance too,” I said quickly, my eye flicking to the exit.

Another customer was sending me odd looks, and I cursed kami for not giving me doton as my elemental affinity. I wanted to be an ostrich and just dig my face into the ground and never resurface. Why couldn’t people have a discreet back section in these kind of stores like they did in my old world? I took a young adult book from the more smut-free section for Kusari too. I reminded myself I was here for him—definitely not for the new Make Out Tactics. Definitely not…

“That will be—”

I twisted around and threw a kunai at the bookshelf at the back, startling the customer and Ayama. I hissed a threatening growl.

“Whoever you are, come out or there will be trouble,” I hissed.

I was surprised when familiar dark purple and light blue tufts of hair poked out from behind the shelf. What was Anko and Rui doing here? Anko snickered, and Rui was a bright red, looking pointedly away from my hands. I looked down and I felt like my face was so hot it was steaming.

_Oh shit._

* * *

“Who knew our beloved senpai was such a pervert,” Anko snickered, wrapping a hand around my neck.

“I-I… please don’t tell anyone,” I groaned, holding my hands to my face.

“It’s a natural reaction of the growing body to explore themes of sexuality and romance. It is a vital stage in the human reproduction process after all. It’s only natural to b-be curious,” Rui said, looking more flustered than I’d ever seen him.

“Pfft you two are so _lame_. There’s nothing wrong with some nice gratuitous sex. You guys are such losers. At least if you like it, admit it,” she snorted.

“As if. I don’t need people thinking I’m some kind of mini pervert,” I said pushing her off me. “P-plus I read for the plot.”

“Sure you do~”

“I do!” I insisted.

“Anyway, at least now we know where she runs of to in secret,” Rui said changing the subject.

“Is that why you followed me? You did a good job by the way. I can’t even smell you right now.”

Anko looked way too proud as she pulled out a large bottle with some clear liquid in it. Rui took a step back and turned a little green.

“We asked Orochimaru-sensei to give us scent diffusers. It’s made from the entrails of those dropoda snakes,” she grinned.

“You… doused yourself in that just to track me,” I said in disbelief.

“Want to try it on?” Anko asked.

“No thanks, I think I’ll pass.”

“Well your loss. More for me later anyway,” she shrugged.

I sighed. I thought Orochimaru would drop their asses after a months’ worth of hard training. He didn’t like children all that much. Turns out I was wrong. For some reason he didn’t ever let up on Anko and Rui’s training, and he even humoured their little prank requests every once in a while, like a very distant uncle who occasionally decided to humour his nephews. My personal theory was that he wanted them to become Chunin as quickly as possible so he could get out of baby-sitting duties. As it stood both Anko and Rui were definitely going to be Chunin level this year.

Of course at the end of the day, I ended up with first dibs on the Sannin. Orochimaru was grooming me to be Kabuto 2.0, which was definitely a little aggravating, because I didn’t want to be _anyone’s_ lackey, but it was the best I could go for now. In the event that I became stronger, I’d just pull a Sasuke on him, and become my own independent person after. For now I would very much like to keep my Danzo buffer, even if he was a sadistic fucker.

“Now that you caught me, why not just do our customary dinner now?” I asked.

“Well it’s more like customary _brunch_ at this stage, but whatever,” Anko shrugged.

“There has been word of something, I would like to discuss with you two,” Rui said, his seriousness once again dampening the mood a little.

“What is it now. We’ve only been back a day,” Anko groaned.

“I’ll tell you over some ice-cream. You’ll be needing it,” he sighed, shaking his head.

That didn’t sound too good…

We walked towards the Akimichi district out of habit. People congregated there for the great food, but it was also a hub for shinobi. The bars, the barbeques, and the restaurants there were a great place to bump into people you normally wouldn't see. I had caught up with a few people from missions after running into them there. Safe to say ninja didn't have the time for relationships, let alone friendships, so even the odd friendly acquaintance and a quick catch up was enough. Unfortunately for me, Rui was like a walking talking human stink bomb. He dropped his very awkward self on people the moment they came by to talk and they went running in the other direction. The poor boy was genuinely a good person at heart, but he was awkward at socialising.

We sat down with an assortment of sweets. As far as we were considered anything was food, even if it was junk food. With all the energy we spent daily, and all the healthy, stringent meals we ate on the regular, it wasn't too unhealthy for us to binge on junk food one day after months out on missions, eating nothing but protein bars, cured animals and wild plants. I had ordered more than a dozen chocolate nama cakes, an ice-cream sundae and some mochi.

"So what's this serious thing you needed to tell us about?" Anko asked.

"Otou-sama informed me of some unrest in Kiri. Intel has it that there are rumours of a brewing civil war," Rui said.

It took a moment for my thoughts to settle before it came to me. Kiri, or Mist, had been the birthplace of both Haku and Zabuza. They were both ninja I remembered vividly from the old story I read in my previous life. I had lost many details, and I tried not to dwell on the speciﬁcs, but I still made sure to remember the key story points just in case it applied in this world. So far, the story was accurate, which had startling implications in its own right, although I didn't remember being one of the 'characters' in said story. I was a little confused though. If my memory served correctly, the Mizukage only went insane after Tobi began feeding him genjutsu via his Sharingan and aggravating his paranoia and hatred towards bloodline holders. Currently Obito was still Obito, which I very much intended to keep that way, and yet there were already rumours of civil war? What was going on?

"Yeah we all kind of expected that. Kiri is a shithole full of crazy murderous fuckers," Anko replied with a snort.

It said something when a whole village of hired killers thought another village were 'crazy murderous fuckers'. Kiri certainly had a bad reputation of violent unpleasant bloodlust. Not even Iwa and Kumo had such a brutal reputation. The only village that followed in the same brutality had been Ame's Hanzo, but he had reportedly been killed. Most likely by Pein. I really never wanted to meet that emo fucker ever in this lifetime. Hopefully, Naruto would just talk it out like he did in the story and things would be ok.

"Hina, you there? You're spacing out," Anko said, waving her hands in front of my face.

"I'm here. Sorry I was just thinking. So why exactly did you need to tell us this Rui-kun?" I asked.

"My otou-sama does not speculate often, but he is part of the Merchants Council. Kiri has closed its borders for trade, and it is affecting our already damaged economy. In addition to the diminishing trade, Suna has expressed anger towards Konoha for taking more of their jobs. They are in economic straights right now after another drought and their Daimyo is outsourcing much needed missions to us. We aren't in the ﬁnancial position to reject those. Konoha can't afford another enemy and now Kiri is on the list of potential aggressors in addition to Suna. They will be sending a team in soon, and Orochimaru-sensei is supposedly a contender for the role."

I melted into my seat and groaned. Anko cursed out a very angry 'Fuck' before she too pouted. I rubbed my nose and picked at my cake in irritation.

"This is too troublesome," I groaned, running a hand through my face.

"For once I agree. I've been on 4 long term missions! We were just out for 7 months. I want a fucking break," Anko grumbled before she screamed into her hands.

"This is the fate of being the students of one of the last remaining Sannin during a war of attrition," Rui agreed tiredly.

"If I ever get my hands on Tsunade and Jiraiya for running away with their tail between their asses, I'm going to perform a well-deserved technique on them," I grumbled.

"What technique would be effective against a Sannin?" Anko asked.

"A thousand years of death. It hasn't been made yet, but I promise you I will do it," I hissed.

"I doubt you will ever land a hit on a legendary Sannin, no matter how ominous your technique sounds. In addition to that unsanctioned ﬁghts against a fellow Shinobi outside of a training ground, especially a high ranking oﬃcer can be considered treason," Rui informed me.

I pouted. "Just let me have this you spoil sport."

"Well that ruined the mood. I was planning on teasing Vege-senpai for being a pervert all day, but now I don't even feel like it," Anko sighed dramatically.

"I'll consider that a win," I replied dryly.

“You really weren’t kidding when you said we would need some ice-cream with this news,” Anko told Rui.

We all took a big bite and died a little inside at the news. Ah shit, here we go again.

* * *

Here's a pic of Hina paying for Anko's dango addiction XD Cause that's gonna be forever haunting her wallet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wuuuuut! Did I do a time skip :0 YES! Was that a JoJo’s reference? YES! I really didn’t want to explore three years of what was essentially filler with Hina going on ROOT assigned missions with Orochimaru and her team, learning some fuinjutsu, and getting pumped full of chemicals in her downtime. The real story starts soon, or at least the beginning of the end of canon events, because Hina’s going to be changing the timeline. Things will begin snowballing into the butterfly effect soon. I’ll try and keep the changes logical, but say goodbye to canon Naruto.
> 
> Also prepare for a lot less angst ridden Hina. She’s had three years to grieve… erm… compartmentalise. What you’ve seen before was a few months right after her literally murdering her parents. She’s back to her ‘old self’ or at least she pretends to be, so basically back to her fun yet professional self. There will be more melancholic moments though. The failure of her parents still weighs a heavy shame on her shoulder :’(( 


	40. Chapter 40

I placed some lilies on the black marble stone and sighed. It had been a long time since I visited their grave. I lit the incense and knelt down on my knees.

"It’s been a while tousan, kaasan. I'm sorry I don't come by more often. Taichi and Tsukiya are a handful and honestly it feels like I'm walking a very thin rope between happiness and complete ruin. Things are getting better though. I learnt how to play the ﬂute a little from Rui, and Anko drilled it into my head how to make proper tea. Guy is his usual self. He taught me a cool grappling move he learnt from his old man. I wish I could show you."

I stopped talking, unsure of what exactly I was doing. Could they hear me? Were they watching over me, or were they reincarnated into another life already? If so, was it this world, were we fated to meet and never truly realise it? Or was death simply the end for them? I put a hand on the cold stone and sighed. It didn't matter. In the end it didn't change the dull ache in my heart, or the fact that I missed them dearly.

"I failed you. Don't worry about me though. I know I shouldn't keep grieving, that I should move on, but it's not as easy as it sounds. I've failed so many people already, and I'm afraid to try again in case I fail them once more. I should have taken the risk long ago, _really_ protected them, but all I've done is keep my head down and submit."

All I had ever done was submit, to Danzo, to Orochimaru, to this fate. One step out of line and Danzo could take my brothers. Orochimaru kept me from ROOT indoctrination, but he didn't keep me away from its missions or from its repercussions. In the end I was on my own with this. I had to take matters into my own hands once more, and I did.

"I told myself I would try something. I'm so close to it kaasan, tousan. I'm so close I can taste it. I promise I won't fail again, and I know it's not my right to promise something like that when I've failed you so terribly, but I mean it this time. I won't fail because I can't."

A whole organisation, a sanctioned organisation that the fucking Hokage himself approved of. I had to go up against that by myself. Shikaku was working on dismantling and blocking Danzo's projects but that was all the Jounin Commander could do, especially when he had the Elder Council and a whole private army against him. Still, I could feel his inﬂuence in ROOT, how funding was severely lacking for the younger agents and even myself now. He was making it hard for Danzo, which was all he could do when Sarutobi was practically turning a blind eye to Danzo's private army. Not that Sarutobi could do much now that we were in war and ROOT was an essential service.

I could not stop hundreds of indoctrinated Shinobi on my own, but I could stop Danzo. I couldn't pretend like this would end well for me in any way. I most certainly would be in a shitty position if I killed Danzo without compiling enough proof on my end to justify taking out a councilman. Still, I knew Shikaku would keep my family safe, and I knew it would end in Kusari's freedom.

Fuinjutsu wasn't just a fun pass time for me. It was a key to end all of this bullshit.

I wanted to say more to my parents, but I had intentionally kept my words vague and innocuous. Having been unsure of what else to say, I simply kept my gaze on the stone and remembered the short time I had with them. A short time that was my fault…

"Hina-chan!"

I turned around to see Obito. He was holding some ﬂowers too. I forced a smile and he came my way awkwardly. He probably called out my name without thinking. That was quite like him.

"I was just talking to my parents," I said amiably.

He scratched the back of his head and chuckled a little sadly.

"Yeah, I was going to do that too. Um, do you want to come?" he asked.

I was a little shocked he had offered seeing as we weren’t so close, but I nodded and followed him down the cemetery. We came to his stone graves and I was a little surprised to see both his parents’ names. This was a civilian grave site, and I had assumed Obito's parents had been shinobi. Maybe it was just a false assumption that all Uchiha were shinobi.

He lit his incense before kneeling and clapping his hands a little dramatically.

"Yosh! It's been a while kaasan, tousan! I got a new Genin team. Rin's in it, which is awesome, but now I have a moody asshole to deal with too. We have been doing so many boring D ranks that I pulled out some hair out of frustration yesterday! I'm totally going to continue pestering the Hokage until he lets us get a C rank! Watch me raise the ranks, and thanks for looking out for me!"

He clapped once more before grinning and turning to me. I felt a little unsure of how to act. It was a little odd how happy he was talking to his dead parents. Maybe it was a front? If it was, it was a darn good one.

"Are you just going to stand there, or are you going to say something to them too?" Obito asked.

I nodded unsurely before kneeling down and bowing my head slightly in respect.

"Ah, your kid is great. I'm totally expecting him to be the ﬁrst Uchiha Hokage too, so you should deﬁnitely keep watching ok, but right now he's an idiot so I'll have to take care of him."

"Hey, don't make me look bad in front of them," Obito exclaimed blushing.

I snorted in amusement, before turning to the grave.

"Things might be a little scary for you, watching your son go out to war, but I know he's destined for something great. He just needs the right push, and maybe a little more sense."

I turned to Obito to see him wide eyed and ﬂushed. I wasn't talking to his parents anymore. I was talking to him. I didn't want the canon story to happen. I didn't want him to be crushed and brainwashed by some dying Uchiha bent on some twisted desire for peace. I didn't want to see him or Kakashi suffer. I didn't want Rin to be just some sacriﬁcial pawn to a megalomaniac's desires. I didn’t want Minato to die by the hands of his own wayward student.

I didn’t want a lot of things, but my hands were tied. I had my own missions to run. I most likely wouldn’t be there to change any event that I presumed might still happen in the future. All I could really do was prepare them beforehand. Maybe if Rin and Obito were a little faster and stronger Rin wouldn’t be abducted in the ﬁrst place and Obito would be quick enough to not be crushed. I nodded my head resolutely. I would do what I could.

“Obito, I’m going to teach you the Shunshin,” I said determinedly.

“Right now? Ah about that... Cousin Shisui has tried to show me but I’m just not good at it.”

“What kind of useless Hokage just gives up when he can’t do something. Maa, I guess you just aren’t good enough to be the best then,” I chided, playing with his pride, and putting on my best Kakashi tone.

“I can do it! Don’t look down on me!”

Hook, line, and sinker. I smirked before grabbing him by the collar and performing a rapid shunshin in succession until we landed in a nearby training ﬁeld. Obito dropped to the ground and groaned before his green face puffed out and he puked.

“Ughhh, give me a warning next time, you psychotic vegetable!”

“Can’t stomach it Uchiha? Wow, deﬁnitely not Hokage material,” I goaded.

He grumbled, face ﬂushed in embarrassment as he stood up and pouted. I smirked.

“Now pay attention because I don’t have much time with you today. This is how you perform a Shunshin.”

**LINE BREAK**

As both a shinobi in wartime, and a godforsaken member of ROOT, I really wasn’t allowed much down time. Adding Orochimaru to the mix ended up in me being like that one too busy parent in the relationship. Not that I wanted to be like this. It was ridiculous even for someone as career oriented as I was. Once this war was over, I vowed to fight for a year’s worth of a vacation. I’d have to kill Danzo first, but that was a given. That was less of a chore and more of a pleasure. I’d even take a vacation in prison if it came down to it. Fuck Konoha, I just wanted some sleep.

I sighed as I felt my kage-bunshin release itself. That took a good chunk of my chakra to make. I was more than a little jealous of Naruto for having his near infinite pools to draw from. I made one and it very nearly crippled me. But I needed it to do my research. Having a physical copy of me posing my daily routine at home had freed up some well needed time to finally get to my main priority.

Sprawled on the ground was a large array of a complicated algorithm called Fuinjutsu. It was a practice that needed unending patience, and a resolve to keep studying. The only known masters of the art in Konoha were the high ranking Sannin, the Hokage, Kushina, and by extension her husband Minato who had learnt from his wife. Orochimaru was also incredibly knowledgeable about seals and he had even helped me in this little pet project. I couldn’t keep it hidden from his eyes. It was too much of a drag to even try.

The troublesome thing about Fuinjutsu was that no matter how much of a prodigy you were at it, Fuinjutsu was just too wide of a subject to master entirely. It was like science. You studied the basics, about atoms, cells, and DNA, and then you specialised in one specific subject or branch in detail. Of course there were the easier things to learn, like making explosive tags, or a finely crafted vacuum seal, which in its rudimentary stages were easy to produce with just a few months or so of study. But even with the basic explosive tags and storage seals you could spend decades learning to fine tune the art. You could have spent years on a rudimentary explosive tag until it became something like a rather large bomb, maybe install a timer into it and a triggering seal you could activate from a long distance, until something rudimentary became both game changing and masterful.

In essence Fuinjutsu was exactly a science, a science based on energy and _intent_.

I had the intent, but my energy was lacking. My blood was tainted. Orochimaru faced a similar problem. Our blood wasn’t particularly chakra potent, not like Jiraiya’s, and definitely unlike Kushina’s, who’s very blood and chakra would instantly make a seal that much stronger. The Uzumaki were born to do Fuinjutsu and that wasn’t an exaggeration. Meanwhile those of us who weren’t blessed with such genes would have to make do by compensating with sheer skill and _intent_. The words had to have more meaning, be more specific. The channels we crafted had to be more flowing, more precise.

I spent 3 years focused on the branching seal-work art of deconstruction. It was a type of seal-work that focused entirely on just that: deconstructing seals. It was a very useful branch of Fuinjutsu, that allowed me to deactivate seals. I’m sure Minato wouldn’t be so fond of me using it on his Hiraishin if we ever did fight. It wasn’t for Minato though. No, this was for motherfucking Danzo, a man who I dreamt many nights of killing in various different ways. It sent a shiver down my spine every time, making me feel positively bloodthirsty. Vengeance was not a word I would have associated with myself long ago, but it felt like with each day the hate only grew, leaving me feeling just a little bit angrier. I never thought I’d ever sympathise with Sasuke of all people.

“Hmm still studying I see,” Orochimaru cut in.

“Of course,” I hummed, not quite paying attention to him, my eyes still running over the calculations.

“Shouldn’t you be training in ROOT right now?” Orochimaru asked entertained.

“I am,” I said, finally looking at him with a playful smirk.

“Oh, I do like where you’re going with this,” he said patting my head.

I flinched slightly from the unwanted touch before looking down at the scroll wondering whether he was talking about my work or fucking with Danzo. Maybe it was both.

“I’m close. Any pointers?” I asked.

“I did tell you I’m not a part of this didn’t I?” Orochimaru reminded me with a dark smile.

Yes, he did, but I knew he _knew_ how to get me to the next stage in the process. I’m pretty sure he knew exactly how to deconstruct the cursed seal on my tongue. The bastard just wouldn’t help. What a useful sensei I had, I thought to myself sarcastically. Whatever, I didn’t need him.

“I’m going to kill him you know. Whether you want me to or not?”

“Go ahead and try little neonate. It’ll be amusing either way,” Orochimaru replied amiably. “Now if only you would study the heavenly seal like you do this.”

Orochimaru had a penchant for dramatics when he was in a good mood, always sounding so over the top exasperated or teasing. It was stupidly annoying, although a part of me couldn’t help but not hate it so much. I didn’t want to think I was softening up to the man… which I definitely wasn’t. I sighed. I was just using him. Nothing more, nothing less. He meant nothing to me!

The Heavenly Seal, or the Cursed Seal as I liked to call it, was very nearly finished. Orochimaru’s experiments were so close to a final product. Instead of open-heart surgery we could simply place a seal on the experiments neck now before it would absorb straight into the tenketsu. It needed an anchor chakra, and so we just ended up using Orochimaru’s since we didn’t want to change a variable in the experiments and throw off our data. That essentially meant we were inserting a bit of Orochimaru’s chakra into the subjects, and it wasn’t a secret that his chakra wasn’t entirely natural either. Still, it was meant to be _his_ life’s work, a way for him to be able to finally get a working sage mode, so there was no real point in trying to see if it worked with a less tainted chakra source. Not that I could help in that department considering my chakra was tainted by body modification too.

Currently the subjects absorbed too much sage chakra and died after a few days or so. It was going a lot better than exploding body parts though, so that was definitely a win. Not to mention there was less for me to clean up after, which made my life easier.

“When are we working on it next?” I asked.

“Hmm maybe tomorrow. I will need to tweak the chakra channels once more before we start on our next batch of experiments.”

“I’d suggest increasing the test subjects to around five so we can see if it’s simply that the survival rate is low,” I replied after a moment’s thought.

“Well do pass on a message to Danzo for me then.”

I shouldn’t have opened my mouth. I sent the man a scowl. He simply chuckled it off.

“Oh by the way, it seems our next mission is a big one. It’s a long-term infiltration assignment. You’re to report to the Konoha Hospital Cosmetic-ward.”

“The cosmetic-ward?” I asked curiously as I took a scroll Orochimaru handed me.

“It deals in appearance modification for infiltration missions.”

I couldn’t help the worried frown that took my face. Appearance modification? What the actual fuck? That sounded not very fun.

“After how much you seemed to be enjoying my body modification procedures, I thought you’d be ecstatic about this,” Orochimaru joked.

“I _don’t_ enjoy it,” I hissed with a deepening scowl.

“I recall you asking for more all the time.”

I decided not to give him the joy of hearing my protests. He was gleaming too much entertainment from my irritation. Now this was what a Jounin instructor was stereotyped to be towards their students. A complete asshole that took pleasure in constantly throwing their students into a flustered, uncomfortable state. I wanted Gaku-sensei back!

“Well, no need to get too worried. They specialise in scar removal. They’ll probably fatten you up a bit, so your muscle definition isn’t as noticeable. The rest is rather superficial changes such as hair dyes and contact lenses.”

That made me a lot less worried. “You could have started off with that explanation.”

“Where’s the fun in that?”

Before I could send him an even more potent stink eye, he waved a quick goodbye and left. I couldn’t help the childish need to flip off his back and stick out my tongue as I watched him leave. Stupid, irritating Sannin. I wouldn’t tell Danzo about how we needed more test subjects just to piss him off a little. He deserved it. He should learn to treat his assistant with some respect, or I’d bite his ass.

**LINE BREAK**

Ah, how I wanted to rip this man’s croaky old throat out. I eyed the somewhat drooping flap of skin on his neck, just imagining sinking my fingers straight into it. His baritone voice made my eyes flit back up to his face, which was just as stern and ugly as ever.

“Utsuro, you’ve proven useful in quite a few sabotage missions. Iwa and Kumo have lost a combined force of an estimated 3 thousand soldiers to your team’s sabotage missions. My next task for you is of great importance. I have tasked both you and Orochimaru in a retrieval mission in Mist. We have gotten a plea for help from the Kaguya clan requesting aid in their extraction. A coup is brewing, and while Konoha can’t afford another enemy, this is a chance to involve a strong clan into Konoha’s fold.

The official mission parameters state that you will bring them to the Western Gate to be processed into Konoha proper. I will have you bring the adult refugees through the normal channels, but I will require for you to aid Kusari in scouting for children with potential. An agent will contact you with the details later.”

“Hai Danzo-sama,” I said, keeping my voice as stilted and baritone as I could in his presence.

I accepted the scroll and bowed my head, eager to leave when I was stopped by his hands.

“Utsuro, you will not cross me on this mission. Failure will mean the heads of your brothers.”

I felt a chill of both fear and outrage run down my spine, but I nodded either way and body flickered out of the room. It was only when I was outside of ROOT that I allowed myself to punch a tree out of anger, blasting a hole through it. I took in a deep breath and calmed down. I would have my time soon. For now I would focus on the plan.

**LINE BREAK**

I shifted out of Guy’s way as he threw a punch, and then another, ducking down and going into tiger palm to stab as gently as I could into his stomach. His stomach caved up and he fell to the ground in a groan.

“Agh, I’m sorry!” I said hastily.

“No, no, it’s ok!” he said coughing as he held up a hand stopping me from fretting more. “You’ve really become strong!”

Yeah that’s generally what would happen when you were injected with a specially concocted growth hormone specifically made to ensure your muscles, and body would develop at peak capacity. When I helped Guy up, I was a head and a bit taller than him too. I’d like to see Gaku ever call me short again.

“And you’ve really improved your Taijutsu,” I praised. “I see a bit of the Circle Walk there.”

“Yes, Gaku-sensei told me it really fit the Lotus style my tousan was teaching me!” Guy beamed proudly.

“So have you seen Kakashi around?” I asked.

Guy frowned and shook his head. “No, not really! He’s becoming such an unyouthful recluse!”

That wasn’t exactly unexpected. What did they expect would happen when they sent a five-year-old dealing with the suicide of his father out to war? He wasn’t ever going to be mentally stable ever again, not after being denied the right help, and instead being thrown into violence and death. He was let to fester out there in war. It would be a miracle if he _wasn’t_ emotionally traumatised after that.

“I always manage to find him though! He always wins my challenges!” Guy cried with frustration.

I smiled. “It’s good that you’re reaching out to him. Don’t stop… I should too but I can’t ever find the time,” I sighed.

“That is alright! Both you and Kakashi-kun are very busy people! Yosh, I will aim to be just as useful in aiding the war! Another 5 laps around Konoha on my hands will do the trick!”

“You’re going to force me to join too, aren’t you?” I asked with a raised brow.

“Of course! Training is always full of youth when done with f-friends!” he said, his cheeks heating up a red tint.

I tried to ignore the fact that a child had a crush on me. Instead I jumped onto the palms of my hand and laughed as I got a head start. A part of me was a little mortified when we came to the wall. When we did ridiculous things like this together, the Chunin on gate duty around the walls would make fun of me. Oh well, they were the ones missing out on the intensely rewarding feeling of your muscles aching after an intense work out.

We were about lap 3 around Konoha when I started feeling the burn. Guy was shouting out breathless encouragements and I was equally as energetic. His enthusiasm had a way of rubbing out on me. I was surprised when I bumped into someone familiar. I lost my balance and plumped down on my butt, before craning up my head to see Gaku.

“Gaku-sensei! Did you want to join us in our youthful training today?” Guy asked.

Only Guy could ever make his own _Jounin_ sensei laugh nervously at the thought of training. I snorted in amusement, before wiggling my eyebrows up at the man. Gaku replied with a miffed look my way before his lips tugged up in amusement.

“So are you going to join us today in _youthful_ training?” I urged with a gleeful look.

The nervousness came back into his eyes when he looked at Guy practically radiating expectant pleasure at another training buddy. I had the feeling he was dragged into Guy’s antics more often than not.

Gaku sighed, scratching the back of his head in exasperation. “Sorry Guy, but not today. I actually came to collect Hina for a… chat.”

“Just Hina?” Guy asked dejectedly.

“Ah, sorry kiddo. Its missions related. How about this, I’ll set up a solo training session with you this Saturday and I’ll teach you anything you want!”

Guy’s dark eyes lit up in excitement, his dejected visage almost turning in a 180 with sheer enthusiasm. I tried to ignore the fact that I for some reason could see the sun rising behind his form like a well-crafted Genjutsu. Guy didn’t know Genjutsu though… hmmm maybe I was the one hallucinating. I turned back to Gaku and tried to keep the apprehension from my face. Was he coming on my next mission with me? Why would Danzo allow Gaku of all people in close proximity to me?

“YOSH! Then I’ll be on my way!”

He sped of back on his palms leaving me with Gaku and I couldn’t help but fidget a little uncomfortably. Despite everything, he was someone I truly loved, and I had neglected meeting him on purpose. I was the one keeping him at arm’s length. I didn’t want to, but maybe once this was all done and over with, I wouldn’t have to continue.

“What was this about a mission?” I asked.

Before Gaku could respond I sensed a shinobi presence behind me, and I signed at Gaku for silence. I didn’t want a potential spy listening in on us. He sent me an amused look, and I remembered that he was a much more experienced sensor than I was. Before I could truly blush in embarrassment, I turned around in confusion to be greeted with Shikaku of all people.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“At ease Hina-chan,” Shikaku said placatingly.

“It’s a little hard to be at ease when I’m being ambushed by two Jounin so far away from other people,” I said scoffing before folding my arms.

“You know us kiddo. Would we do anything to hurt you?” Gaku scoffed.

I wanted to say ‘no’, but a part of me was worried that they knew I was aiding Orochimaru. A part of me whispered danger because I was a traitor to Konoha and its people. If Shikaku and Gaku knew about my deeds, I had no doubt that whatever love, let alone respect, they had for me would truly be killed. So yes—I was a little worried that they would hurt me.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you sooner,” Gaku sighed, eyes darkening as he looked at me.

My eyes widened as I looked up at him and then back to Shikaku. Did he—did he know?

“What are you—”

“I know about ROOT,” he replied shaking his head. “I know what they did to you.”

I put my shaky hands into my pocket and sent Shikaku a look of betrayal. A part of me was extremely relieved that Gaku didn’t know about the experiments. Still I was mad at Shikaku for getting him involved any further. The man let out a sigh and scratched his cheek with a particularly guilty look.

“You _told_ him! I did everything I could to make sure he wasn’t involved!” I hissed.

Shikaku’s eyes went hard and his back straightened a little. He was back in commander mode and I felt myself bristle back in line. I knew when I was and wasn’t allowed to talk back and question my leaders. This was that moment, and I honestly couldn’t believe Shikaku would pull rank on me like this when he so clearly hurt me.

“Gaku is a _Jounin_ of Konohagakure, and a Taijutsu master. It’s not your place to protect him,” Shikaku said in a matter of fact tone.

“Yeah kiddo, I appreciate the thought, but I knew what I was signing up for as a shinobi. This job comes with its risks, but I’m more than capable of handling it on my own… unlike you. You are the one who’s not in the position to deal with something of this level on your own.”

I felt cowed, and a little stupid at my outburst. Of course they were… right, but I didn’t have to like it. In fact I hated it. I hated that Gaku was involved now because it felt like a death sentence waiting to happen. My parents were killed by my own two hands because that was the level of power Danzo had, and now every time I looked at a loved one, I couldn’t help but picture them dead. I didn’t even realise my hands were shaking until I felt fingers wrap around it tightly. I turned to see Gaku kneeling before me, eyes softening in expression.

“I know you’re scared kiddo but have some faith in me ok. Shikaku and I aren’t going to die so easy.”

I hesitated but eventually nodded anyway. His words were… reassuring, but words weren’t ever really enough. I looked at Shikaku as he too moved closer, holding out a scroll which I accepted.

“We have word of your next mission, and the separate task you were assigned by Danzo,” Shikaku said.

“You’re keeping track?” I asked, making sure to keep my questions vague so as to not trigger my seal.

“The Hokage knows too. I’m reporting straight to him. Our hands are tied in this moment. We can’t exactly shut down the Foundations more illegal practices. As it stands about 40% of our A rank missions are being completed through ROOT proper. We’re unable to engage in a direct confrontation with Danzo due to the war. Not only would disbanding ROOT put a significant dent in our forces, but that’s simply assuming we can disband it without added casualties and other unforeseen consequences,” Shikaku continued explaining.

“Meaning your hands are tied,” I replied with a frown.

“Not entirely. I’ve been directing funding and other resources from ROOT. I have a trusted shinobi infiltrate the proper ROOT ranks too, but you’re our only contact into the child program.”

“Does Orochimaru-sama know?” I asked.

Shikaku shook his head. “We’re keeping this to as little people as possible.”

“Then why tell Gaku… no offence,” I added, sending the Inuzuka a guilty expression.

“Offence taken,” he grumbled rolling his eyes.

“I didn’t want to tell him, but he was insistent on snooping around. It would be troublesome if he got himself killed because of a lack of information so I let him in on it,” Shikaku sighed.

I was more than a little grateful and suddenly felt a little stupid for being mad at him earlier. It would have devastated me if Gaku got himself killed snooping around looking for the person who was sending me off to missions. I had no doubt he had started his investigations the moment he had found out about my parents. I couldn’t help but feel a little warm at the thought that he still cared so much… and relief that he knew why I had to cut him off all along.

“What does all this have to do with my next mission?” I asked, hoping to get back on track.

“It’s one thing to allow clan-less children to grow up indoctrinated by the Foundations ideology, but to have children with powerful kekkai genkai under his disposal would be too dangerous.”

My knee jerk reaction was to be furious at Shikaku. Why was a clan-less child’s life any less important than a child with a kekkai genkai? I wanted to hiss at him that all their lives mattered just the same, but I stopped myself. I had no right—no right to pretend like I was some advocate for human rights, not after what I had done to dozens of people all begging for their equally as important lives. I had ignored it in favour of pragmatism, which was simply what he was doing now. In the end he was right. A clan-less child with no kekkai genkai had less risk of being as powerful than someone born with an ability already putting them above the general flock. Shikaku wasn’t disregarding the value of the normal children, just taking into consideration the damage control he was allowed to handle.

“But Da—”

I gasped as a hot, sharp pain tore through my throat and I fell limply to the ground. I clutched my head, hoping the throbbing stabs of pain made me vomit out my lunch. It took a few minutes of having my back rubbed before I could even think straight and when I looked up, I noted the closed off expression on Shikaku’s face, and the visible outrage on Gaku’s.

“That was the seal?” Gaku asked.

I didn’t reply. I was too afraid to. I hadn’t experienced a pain worse than the seal activating. It was worse than any fire Genjutsu, or broken bone. It felt like your whole body was ringing in distress and the screaming in your head got louder and louder until it felt like someone was taking a sledgehammer and slamming it into your exposed brain. No body modification procedure even came close to the agony that was this seal activating. I felt for all the Hyuuga children who had theirs activated by the main branch. It was basically an off-chute of their seal after all.

“You don’t have to tell us anything. Just make sure you follow the instructions on the scroll.” Shikaku said after giving me a moment to settle.

“My family,” I said vaguely, hoping my desperation was enough to convey how little I wanted to aid Shikaku in this mission.

“I will have measures in place to protect them,” he said reassuringly.

“Y-you don’t understand,” I whispered, my breath hitching.

No one would understand. There was very little in this world that could terrify me, but the thought of the people I loved dying because of _me_ was too much to handle. For a moment, I wasn’t near the Konoha walls, for a moment I was back at home driving a knife into my own father’s chest. Watching the terror in my mother’s eyes as I ripped a hole right into her. I snapped back to reality, and my eyes dropped to my hands which felt far too bloody to look so clean. A warm body took me into an embrace, and I shut my eyes tightly as Gaku took me into a hug.

“I’m so sorry I couldn’t help you more after that. I’m so sorry,” he repeated.

Why was he apologising? Why was he sad for me when I was the one who did the unspeakable? I didn’t deserve this kind of sympathy, but I couldn’t help but hold onto him a little more. How long had it been since I felt this safe in someone’s arms, when touching didn’t mean pain?

“I’ve said what I need to say. I’m sorry for asking for your help Hina but trust me when I say we have measures in place. What happened with your parents won’t be repeating again.”

I turned my head to see Shikaku send me one more sad smile before he body flickered away. I was left with Gaku and I felt more than a little jolted. I had managed three years of keeping my head under the radar, to be a good little solider and do my job, and now that was being threatened. I was so close to undoing the seal too, and I couldn’t even tell them that.

“Hey, you need to trust us a little more ok,” Gaku said, breaking me from my thoughts. “Shikaku is a genius. He won’t be asking you this if he wasn’t sure that he could make sure you and your family were safe.”

I nodded, but I felt too rattled to talk. My tongue felt like someone had filed it sandpaper. I wasn’t sure whether it was because the seal had recently activated, or because I was still jittery with nerves after the sudden news. Having sensed my mood, Gaku sighed and ruffled my hair. I had to stop myself from flinching, my body going irritatingly rigid under the contact. The mood plummeted further, and I felt a little guilty about that.

“You’ve been through a lot, but you don’t have to do it alone anymore. You can come talk to me whenever you want,” he said, his eyes searching mine for confirmation.

I looked away. Talking seemed… nice. Having someone to just rant all my problems to without worrying about the repercussions was certainly a great thought, but I didn’t want to activate my seal. Not to mention, I really didn’t want to be seen around him more than I needed to be. He might be willing to risk his life for me, but I wasn’t willing to let him. It didn’t mean I couldn’t hug him for a little longer…

“If you die, I’m going to bring you back to life and kill you myself,” I said instead.

Gaku barked a laugh, that deep, rumbling laugh that reminded me of tousan’s. I chuckled back and pulled away, happy to have diffused the situation with some jokes. There went my quota of emotional vulnerability for the whole year!

I looked up at Gaku and smiled.

"I'm not sure whether I'm relieved or worried that you know now... I didn't want to leave you, but I had to—to keep you safe."

Gaku sighed in resign. "Orochimaru is treating you right, isn't he? Your eyes have become like his."

I touched my cheek and had to stop the frown that threatened to take my expression. A part of me hated that I was easily recognisable as his protegee. It was widely accepted in the shinobi circle that I was his more notable student, if only because of our similarities. There were a few rumours going around that I was his bastard child… which just made me want to gag.

"He's a hard-ass, but he's training me well. My eyes are like this because I signed the snake contract."

Well it was actually because of the body modiﬁcations but I didn't think he would be happy to hear that.

"Ever since I found out, I've been doing everything in my power to stop Danzo from getting his hands on more children," he said, with a guilty grimace.

Did he feel responsible for me ending up in ROOT? That was ridiculous. It wasn't his fault in the ﬁrst place. If anything it was mine, for being an absolute idiot and not playing it safe.

"I'm sorry I failed you, but I'm going to make things right," he said determinedly.

"You never failed me. How could you have known anyway? Don't beat yourself up over stupid things ok,” I snorted.

"You're right," he chuckled unsurely. "But that goes for you too ok kiddo."

"Yeah... I'm trying."

"What happened to your parents—it wasn't your fault. Don't even think about blaming yourself, alright. We'll bring Danzo to justice soon. Just be patient."

I felt my stomach churn in anticipation at his words. I didn't have to do this alone. It was both a frightening and comforting thought. I really couldn't stop Gaku from meddling, but it made me feel guiltily safer just knowing he was there behind me.

"If you trust me kiddo, do me the favour and put it in action. Don't think I'm going to die so easy."

I took in a deep breath. "Ok, yeah. You're right. I'll trust you."

It was hard, but looking into his strong, warm brown eyes, I was reminded that trust was a two-way street. If he could let me go out back into ROOT and trust me to play it safe, then I had to afford him the same respect. We were both shinobi. Death was always around the corner and there was no escaping that.

"I trust you."

* * *

A/N

Here's the time-skip design for Hina. <3 She has longer hair, slitted snake eyes, a blue sleeveless jumpsuit, with a green kimono haori on top, and fishnet shirt underneath. I find it hard to describe these things in the story, because Hina doesn't often look at her own reflection, or comment on what she's wearing, and I prefer pictures instead! Hope you like more than the old design!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know whether it’s creepy or cute that Orochimaru’s nickname for Hina is ‘neonate’. It’s essentially the term used for baby snakes, like kit, babe, or lamb. It’s endearing yet scientific, so it’s low-key the perfect nickname Orochimaru can give Hina. A mixture of endearment, condescension, and science! XD
> 
> It took this long for Hina to develop her Fuinjutsu because it’s honestly a very hard and tedious subject and she has a lot of missions that take up her time. I reckon if she had two years of normal missions Hina would have already cracked the Foundations seal (because whether she wants to believe it or not she’s a genius). I don’t understand why some stories have characters instantly become good at things, so that’s why I made it take this long. Hina is a very intelligent person, but Fuinjutsu has been proven to be like the D&D equivalent of a Wizard class. Which means years of applied study and experimentation to get results, but once you do achieve what you’re looking for from a seal, it’s definitely an insane game changer. Her having the ability to literally deconstruct seals will be a massive thing in the future. I mean just imagine all the people she can threaten with this ability alone! (Insert evil laugh) Right now she could
> 
> Also check out my art for Hina @jaz_hop on Instagram. You can find this fic on Fanfiction.net too, under the author Curry-llama... I chose that pen-name when I was 12 so please don't judge me :')


	41. Chapter 41

There was very little downtime to be had in this career. So often I would simply spend my time rushing through one task or another. I was ready to continue my work on Fuinjutsu when I felt Taichi standing behind me, arms folded and glaring daggers at the back of my head.

"You've been looking at those scrolls all night, haven't you?"

I chuckled nervously. Taichi had effectively learnt how to glare like Mebuki and right now he looked every bit like an angry mother hen, arms crossed wearing an apron, holding his spatula rather threateningly too. I held out my hands in surrender.

"Please don't kill me. I'll take a break!" I said quickly.

"You better! You only get two weeks off and all you do is work! Did you even think about Tsukiya's feelings? He waited seven months for you and when you did come back you haven't even looked his way!"

I ﬂinched away before effectively being cowed. I had neglected him, hadn't I? Always too busy doing something to spend a moment with him. I was a terrible sister.

"He doesn't... hate me, does he?" I asked.

Taichi's lips drew into a thin line. He looked a mixture of irritated and sympathetic. All I could really do was dote on Tsukiya. I wasn't the one who had practically raised him. That was Taichi. In the end I was the one away from home for months. It had been a particularly devastating day when I had come home two years ago and Tsukiya shied away from me like I was a stranger. How could he not when I was practically just that?

"He looks up to you. It's partially my fault,” Taichi said stiffly.

"Your fault?" I asked in confusion.

Taichi sighed and ran ﬁngers through his wavy chin length hair. He may have only been 14 but he looked much older. This world had a way of doing that to you.

"I didn't want you to be a stranger, so I told him stories of you. He thinks you're some cool ninja of justice."

I shrunk further into my seat and felt my vision swim for a moment. Cool ninja of justice... that wasn't me. I was anything but cool or a hero. I had failed our parents. I had spent hours upon hours aiding a criminal in experiments that were beyond inhumane. I had killed hundreds of people in dirty, unfair ways. I didn't deserve to be looked up to.

"I'm not—"

"Does it matter?" Taichi asked harshly. "He looks up to you either way. It doesn't matter what you are or aren't. It's your duty now to live up to his expectations, to set a good example for him, and most importantly—be _there_ for him."

Taichi let his sentence settle and I remained silent, eyes on my lap. To live up to his vision of me... could I do that? Was it possible to be something great when I was anything but that? Just like usual, Taichi caught my sudden plummet in mood and decided to distract me.

"Tonight is the Winter Festival. Take Tsukiya out. I will be having a busy day selling pastries at the stall."

I nodded smiling a bit at that. It was always great to see how the business was ﬂourishing. As it turned out, Mebuki was a rather business savvy woman, or rather, both her and her boyfriend were. Their help had been what eventually got the bakery back to its pre-war goodness. Adding my excess mission money to the pool meant that we could afford buying extra sugar and other spices again. We had effectively cornered the civilian market on sweets in our district. Only a few handful of sweet shops still existed within Konoha, and the demand for sweets in general were pretty high. Sugar wasn’t as rare a commodity as spices or chocolate were, so dango and mochi weren’t so uncommon, but finding a cinnamon roll or a chocolate cake was hard and expensive. For Taichi to have pulled the business up like he did was more than good funding. It was because he had a good head on his shoulder and a knack for dealing with merchants.

"I'm glad we're selling pastries again. You know kaasan and tousan would be proud of you," I said squeezing his hand.

His eyes shimmered with growing tears, but he blinked them mostly away, letting a few drop. He pulled me into a hug which I didn't ﬁght.

"I miss them," Taichi said, his voice cracking with emotion.

"I know," I replied hugging him tighter.

"But you and Tsu, and heck—even Cousin Matsu—you're all that's left, so I don't want to see any of you drifting apart. We have to stick together."

I closed my eyes and sighed before pulling away. I had been so caught up on keeping them alive that I hadn't taken a moment to _live_ with them.

"Come on, let's go make some cinnamon rolls together. I might actually make a baker out of you one day," he snorted.

"Ha! Good luck with that," I laughed.

* * *

I looked down at my little brother and realised how tiny he was. He gave me a blinding smile, holding out his little hands which I took somewhat reverently. It was so small. He straightened out his light mint-green kimono with white petal designs on it and I was reminded of his unusual interest in mimicking me. It looked like he speciﬁcally chose a kimono that looked like mine. I didn't know whether to be worried or proud. So often Taichi and I had fought right after his birth about who was the one between us who Tsukiya would idolize and love the most. Now that I knew it was me, I wasn't so sure I was ready for what that implied. Back then I hadn't failed my family, back then I wasn't worse than trash.

"I love the winter festival! So much dango," he said excitedly.

I chuckled. I hoped he'd never meet Anko. I doubt my wallet would survive that encounter.

"So where do you want to go ﬁrst Tsu-chan?" I asked.

"The Kabuki performance!"

I nodded before guiding him through the streets. We milled in with the crowd soon and I ended up squeezing into the front where all the children sat about. It was a little embarrassing having to go to the kiddies’ section, but... tousan wasn't here to hold me or Taichi up to see the play. I felt my throat restrict at the memory. Tsukiya would never have that again because of me. I took that from him.

"nee-chan?"

My thoughts were broken by Tsukiya's soft, worried voice. I looked down to see vibrant eyes shining up at me in worry. He may be a child, but the little humans were oddly more perceptive than people gave them credit for. I ruﬄed his green hair and snorted at his irritated expression.

"Hey! Don't mess tha hair!" he grumbled.

I chuckled and he looked down pouting, a blush taking his face. I was going to tease him for being adorable when the podium lit up and the performers walked in. The crowd hushed into whispers and then into silence when the first chord of the shamisen was struck. Long ago when dad had taken me for this festival, I couldn’t even name half the instruments around, but looking at it now I knew more than enough. Because of Rui—who was on _stage_??! He was sitting up the back with a Koto in hand, strumming the chords with a wide grin on his painted face. He was quite enjoying the moment until he caught my eyes in the crowd and his face broke into mild alarm, his strumming breaking rhythm for a moment before he caught himself. The man besides him playing the Noh drum next to him sent him a quick stink eye, effectively bringing his concentration back to the music.

Huh, what was Rui doing on stage? Why didn’t he tell Anko and I about his performance? He wasn’t usually tight lipped about his performances. In fact he played his shamisen to a client upon request without even a moment of hesitation. Stage fright and Rui weren’t two words one usually strung together in a sentence.

“This is tack’hy,” Tsukiya said breaking me from my thoughts with his adorable lisp.

“Shh Tsu-chan. Don’t be rude,” I hushed him, but a smile played at my face.

He pouted, probably regretting asking to see the performance instead of going as quickly as he could to the game stalls. I, however, was more than invested already. My first and only Kabuki performance had been a rehashing of Madara and Hashirama’s life. It was a struggle of epic proportions between two warring clans, a friendship, and then ultimately a betrayal. This time it was about the Sage of Six Paths. His tale was interesting. It definitely seemed more than a little fabricated and grand, and I remembered canon being entirely different, but the way he spoke—or was it the actor—either way it was beautiful in its profound simplicity.

“They squander away in war,” Indra hissed.

“And you believe adding to it will help?” Hagoromo asked.

“It is the only way!”

“Water is the softest thing, yet it can penetrate the mountains and the earth. It is not through hard will that a true warrior fights, but through the softness of his principles, for it is goodness, and like water it ever seeks the lowest place.”

I was more than a little curious. This felt like a familiar reading. When I looked around, I was more than a little surprised to see several people in the crowd mouthing the words. A popular religious script? I’d heard of the Six Paths edicts, but I’d never truly taken the time to learn them. Water as something soft… what an unusual analogy. Water came to me in my dreams like a rushing tsunami, a drowning force of nature. There was nothing soft about it. But watching this story unfold, a story of peace… I was left wondering whether it could be true.

And then he ended his final breath with words that I myself could never truly reconcile.

“If you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to. If you are not afraid of the end, there is nothing you cannot achieve.”

I hadn’t realised I had been squeezing Tsukiya’s hands too hard until he pried it away, or that a considerable portion of the audience was clearly conflicted by the play. The number of shinobi I had seen before had dwindled, leaving in uncomfortable silence. The ones who did remain had an air of solemnity. Wasn’t this meant to be a festival of lights and thankfulness?

“What’s wrong?” Tsukiya asked, tugging at my kimono sleeve.

I blinked away the uncomfortable feeling and looked down as my thoughts were drowned away by the crowds muted applause. The civilians would never truly understand. Their jobs didn’t revolve around a constant worry of oncoming death. For many shinobi, the weight of murder was something too heavy to shoulder. Grown men broke down under the weight of a crushed soul. It didn’t matter how old, how wise, or how physically strong you were; killing had a way of profoundly changing you. For the lucky ones like myself, it wasn’t a burdening yolk on our necks, but for many killing took a toll on their soul that they would never get back. Then to see a play condemning war and killing as a whole—it would no doubt be uncomfortable, almost _accusing_.

I shook my head at my brother and plastered on a reassuring smile. He cocked his head in confusion and I patted his hair. I could see him catch something from the corner of his eyes and almost instantly his mood plummeted. I turned around to see him looking directly at a father holding his son on his shoulder from the crowd… like tousan had done for me. Tsukiya had the look of terrible longing in his eyes, and I felt a stab of pain in my heart, condemning me for what I had done.

“Hey Tsu-chan, why don’t you get on my shoulders?” I asked.

“Really?” he asked, perking up as a smile took his face.

I nodded and bent over to let him climb up on my shoulders. He rested his chin on my head, and I bit back how deeply uncomfortable the weight on my head made me. His giggles of joy was enough to make me forget my intrinsic fear of being touched.

“Your hair is really soft! Was… was tousan’s hair this soft?”

I froze for a moment. It was soft…

“It was,” I said stiffly.

“You and Tai-nii don’t ever talk about them,” Tsukiya pressed.

We didn’t, did we? I personally was never asked the question. Not to mention, it felt incredibly wrong of me to even tell Tsukiya about our parents when I had been the one to kill them. Even if I was giving him the popular story of how it happened, and not the brutal truth, how did one go about telling their little brother that their mother supposedly went mad, killed their dad, and was proceeded to be killed by her daughter? It was a fucked-up mess of events that no kid should have to hear.

“You don’t have to tell me,” he said softly.

I frowned. He sounded so sad, so… _wistful_. I hadn’t been a good sister to him before, and I didn’t know why Taichi never told Tsukiya anything about our parents, but it felt cruel to keep it from him. I could tell him the benign things, right?

“Tousan was very tall,” I began, and with just those words I could feel Tsukiya stiffen on top of me. “He was strong, and kind, and very soft-spoken, but he never backed down from his work. He was a man of integrity.”

“Int-gerety?”

“It means he kept his word. He didn’t lie, he never cheated, and he was always so loving and protective.”

“Like Tai-nii,” Tsukiya asked.

I nodded. “Yes, just like Tai-nii. He would have loved to watch you grow up you know.”

“Why can’t he? Nii-chan always says he’s watching… I just don’t understand’h why he can’t be here and watch too.”

My heart twisted in my chest.

“You’ll understand when you’re older.”

“Nii-chan says the same thing,” Tsukiya pouted.

“Well that’s because we’re smart ok. Now come on, I saw something I want to investigate.”

I was very glad for the change of subject, even though it did make me guilty that I couldn’t say more. Still a part of me was relieved because I didn’t want to focus on the pain, not when the anxiety I had for the future was debilitating enough. I preferred to live in the present, and right now, in this very instance, the biggest question in my head was: why exactly was Rui in a performance without telling either me or Anko? And not to mention, how exactly did he find the time to practice for it?

“Are we playing capture the missin’gh nin?” Rui asked.

“Spot on! Our target right now is Chinsei Rui. He’s got light blue hair and pale grey eyes and is wearing a Kabuki disguise!” I said in a dramatically excited voice to get my otouto ramped up.

He was taking the bait, because his excitement was reaching new peaks again and he was actively looking around. I didn’t really need his help though. I was trained under an Inuzuka for a long time. I had above average tracking skills. Once I had located his position in a performers tent, I gestured to my little brother for silence. He giggled in excitement as I climbed up a tree and he held on tightly. Then once Rui moved into position, I bounced down behind him, scaring the absolute breeches off the boy. He jumped forward, holding his chest before turning to send me a rather exasperated look.

“You and sensei!” he grumbled in disbelief. “You two are going to elicit a cardiac arrest and then it will be my head on your hands!”

“Oh don’t be dramatic. You saw me in the crowd and you _still_ weren’t prepared,” I snickered.

He composed himself and sighed in irritation, pushing back his pale shoulder length hair. It dropped right back down his neck considering it was too silky to even be properly tied up. He looked the picture definition of irritated and flustered.

“We caught you, criminal scum!” Tsukiya finally bellowed as he jumped from my shoulder straight on top of the boy, with remarkable dexterity.

Suffice to say, Rui was incredibly confused.

* * *

I didn’t really have the time to interrogate Rui about his secret stage performance, not with Tsukiya high on sugar. So I dragged my teammate to all the stalls as Tsukiya eventually wore himself down. It was only when the sun was setting that I managed to finally sit down alongside Rui as we both munched on some biscuits. Tsukiya was asleep on my lap and I finally had a moment of silence.

“Your otouto is… energetic,” Rui commented, although there was an amused expression on his face.

“You can call it as it is you know. He’s a _handful_ ,” I replied fondly, running my fingers through his hair.

“My otouto is just like that,” Rui commented, although his smile weaned.

“You have a brother?” I asked.

Rui’s lips thinned and then he looked away. He was more than a little emotionally constipated, and so I often had a hard time reading him. His generic facial expression was passivity, on the occasion he would look absolutely done with Anko and my fights, but mostly he was a relaxed child. Hardly did he ever look _sad_. I must have hit a nerve with my question, and I wanted so terribly to backtrack.

“It’s ok. You don’t need to tell me anything you know… well other than why exactly you joined a Kabuki performance without telling me or Anko,” I said, expertly changing the subject.

Rui sighed, looking entirely exasperated as I nudged his side playfully. He was a no-nonsense kind of boy and it was oddly refreshing.

“Anko-san would no doubt garner some sort of mortifying joy out of pestering me from the crowd,” he said, looking incredibly annoyed.

I laughed. She really would do that! She was a little shit. His expression turned a little more closed off and sad after that.

“And my family was very adamant against my involvement in this play, so really _no_ one was meant to know. I thought the face paint would help, but judging from the way you spotted me in the crowd, I’m sure it was of no use.”

“Huh, why?” I asked.

“Art has always been about pushing boundaries and challenging the status quo. Currently village morale is at an all-time low, and many people are shouting for an end to the war, even if it means we bend the knee to Kumo and Iwa’s demands. Not only would we legally be giving up mission rights but also be paying a hefty sum in reparations. The play was a call for a ceasefire. The Sage of Six Paths has always been a symbol of peace, and it’s a dangerous symbol right now to the people advocating for a continuation of the war.”

“The play was pretty anti-war,” I agreed, frowning as I let the information sink before I turned to Rui. “And you believe in its message?”

I’d never seen so much conviction before in his eyes.

“I _hate_ war.”

Neither had I heard such loathing from his voice before. He clenched and unclenched his trembling fists in a motion to calm himself down. I knew he didn’t like taking life. He had taken it very hard the first time he had killed someone out in the field. I remembered his cry, a soul-clenching sound of pain and a loss of something I couldn’t quite put a finger on. It wasn’t a moment of celebration like it had been for me, a victory in a line of future victories to be had. For Rui it was something he never spoke about. He hardly spoke on the matter of his emotions either before.

For how much we all trusted each other with our lives, we tended to keep our thoughts on war and family tight lipped. I knew nothing about Anko, or Rui’s home life, and they knew nothing about mine either. With how little time we had in the village before a mission, and our obviously not-so-perfect homelives, we never really spent any given spare moment together talking about depressing things. We knew our lives were far from perfect, so instead we shared the things that put a smile on our faces. For me it was playing shogi with them, for Anko it was teaching us how to properly conduct a tea ceremony, and for Rui it was helping us learn how to play music.

Sometimes I did wonder though… what their lives were like at home. But then it all seemed to come back to war didn’t it. For those whose blood didn’t sing during battle it wasn’t a pleasant place to be. While I had thought Rui was the cold, calculative kind at the start, I had begun to see that he was the most compassionate of us all. His worry was simply masked by statistics and a blunt logic. For him to hide his thoughts on an issue meant he thought it worrying enough to avoid the consequences. It didn’t sit well with me. Rui was truthful to a fault. No one should have to take it from him, make him live a life strung full of lies like I found myself living.

“You shouldn’t ever apologise if they find out,” I finally said. “There’s very little time in this life to be spent apologising for things we’re not sorry about.”

Rui nodded, his face going back to its usual passivity. He was calm again. This was more like him. We sat in silence overlooking a crowd of gathered families and friends all holding lanterns, and I wondered if I should have said more, maybe validated his hate for war or challenged it. I couldn’t really find the energy to do either. It was beyond my reach, a string of events that I had no control over, and therefore I found no reason to feel much beyond a personal sort of annoyance at the constant work it threw at me.

The hour to light the lanterns was nearly upon us. I nudged Tsukiya awake when I saw Taichi walk towards us. He sent Rui an odd look but otherwise the two boys made no comment. Instead Taichi held out the paper lantern in his hand and I couldn't help but remember back to that night... the night when my world truly snapped.

"Is it time for tha'h lanterns?" Tsukiya asked rubbing his eyes.

"Yeah. It is. Do you want to light the lantern?" Taichi asked.

Tsukiya nodded and I helped him hold the lantern properly while Taichi carefully handed him the match. Our little lantern lit up and I watched as Taichi picked up our baby brother and put him on his shoulders. He looked just like Noritaka.

Then we watched one more as the bells chimed, and the winter air defrosted a little as thousands of lights twinkled upwards into the night sky. I turned to Rui and found myself oddly hopeful in this moment.

"Nothing truly lasts forever."

Pale purple-grey eyes caught mine before turning to the night sky littered with hundreds of yellow lanterns. His eyes reflected the warm light. He saw it too. There was always an underlying current of hope in every tragedy. If I saw Rui blinking away tears, I made no move to comment. Right now our thoughts were on the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter I know, but it's a quick look at the tone of the story going forward and how the village as a whole is reacting to the drawn out war.


	42. Chapter 42

Just as quickly as it came, it ended. The moment of peace I was afforded felt like it was over in the blink of an eye. It was back to work again.

Looking at my naked reﬂection in the mirror right now, no one would think I was a shinobi. Gone were the years of built up scars and unnaturally deﬁned muscle deﬁnition that had no place on a child. In its place was a healthy-looking fatness that came with childish youth. It even covered up the unnatural deep lines of tiredness across my face that had marred so deeply into skin. I looked for all purposes like a normal child.

While I took a moment to admire just how good the medic cosmetic ward were at their job, I was also a little irritated. The scars and deep lines of stress that had marked my body had become a part of me. It showed the years of hard torturous work I was put through, a visual proof of who I was, and to see it all completely wiped away in the matter of a few days, felt like an incredibly unusual loss of identity.

This was an inﬁltration mission. There was no use for such things as individuality. My vibrant green hair now dyed a common dark brown was a reminder of that. I put away my shinobi gear into a discreet scroll hidden among other more mundane objects and scowled as I packed away my contact lenses. Kami I hated those things.

I walked into the dining hall to see Mebuki feeding Tsukiya. She turned to me and gave me a smile and gestured to a dozen or so paper bags by the table. I walked up to them and opened them to see food of all sorts inside of them.

“I know your shinobi ration bars are made to give you all the nutrients you need, but it feels wrong to not have any real food for months on end,” she said.

“Thanks Mebuki-san, this was very thoughtful,” I said blinking my eyes up at her in surprised appreciation.

She waved away my thanks quickly. Tsukiya swallowed his food comically quickly before turning to me, eager to speak his mind.

“Are you going on a mission?” he asked.

I nodded and he continued on with wide eyed enthusiasm. “Are you going to save a princess?”

“Probably not Tsu-chan, but this time I am going to save some really cool ninjas.”

“Oh what kind? Are they like Gaku-san with big dogs?”

“Yup, just like Gaku,” I said ruffling his hair.

“Cool! I wanna come with you.”

My smile died almost instantly, and I felt my hands stiffen and let go. I shouldn’t be encouraging this. What kind of idiot am I? Still, a very big part of me was unable to tell him the harsh truth. Whether it was a fear of his perception of me changing or because I wanted him to stay innocent, I didn’t know. What I did know was that I was being selfish by doing so, and I couldn’t even bring myself to stop.

Mebuki cleared her throat to catch my attention and I turned around to see her hand going back to her side. She probably went to touch me to catch my attention and pulled back. It’s why I liked her so much. She knew I didn’t like to be touched and she was always aware enough to keep a safe distance.

“Now, now Tsuki-kun. You have to say goodbye to your nee-chan now ok. She has work to get to.”

Taichi opened the door and nodded in agreement with our nanny. “That’s right Tsu-chan. Say goodbye now.”

Tsukiya looked entirely too pouty when I was leaving. Taichi just had a tired resigned look about him. I couldn’t blame him. I could very well never turn up again. Death was always just a doorway down in this job. I gave him a long hug and he lingered for a moment longer than normal. After saying his goodbyes I decided to do one last errand before reporting to my next mission. I pulled out a connection seal and poured some chakra into it and was relatively appeased when the hundreds of signatures around the village pinged their locations to me. I felt a smile twitch against my lips before it died down when Anko jumped in behind me.

“Morning,” I greeted.

“Damn,” she sighed. “It’s such a hassle trying to scare you!”

“You know very well only Orochimaru-sama can do such a thing,” I chuckled a little proudly.

She puffed out her cheeks indignantly and it was cute enough for me to want to ruffle her hair. I stopped myself though. Anko had a way with sadistic pranks. You really didn’t want to get on her bad side. I did take a moment to look her up and down. She was wearing her normal clothes, although her hair was died the same brown as mine. We were meant to pose as sisters after all.

“This mission is going to be a drag,” she grumbled.

“Have you been hanging out with a Nara recently?” I chuckled.

She let out an indignant huff as we walked on towards our mission point. We were out by the Eastern gate when I looked around to see no Orochimaru. Huh, that was odd. He and Rui had a penchant for being extremely early to everything. Rui was waiting around in common clothing and I saw a cart with an unfamiliar old man in front. Then to his right I saw a familiar figure in ROOT style uniform.

“Kusari?” I asked in confusion.

Said boy turned around and did an impression of what was meant to be a smile. It looked entirely too unnatural on him. I waved back in confusion, before Rui and Anko turned to me.

“You know that cutie?” Anko asked.

Cutie? I raised a brow Anko’s way but nodded. “Kusari and I had been on a mission together once.”

Well that was a lie, but it was standard enough of a lie to easily have Kusari play along. I was more than a little confused though. Kusari was here, but Orochimaru wasn’t. Not to mention the kindly looking man with the straw hat and merchant wears was uncounted for in the missions scroll. Not that they gave us much to go off in the scroll this time. Usually that meant a debriefing right before the mission in a secure location. It only ever happened if it was too risky to write down mission parameters directly on a scroll, but we weren’t called to a secure location, and Orochimaru was the only one we would normally take such a confidential mission order from.

“Where’s Orochimaru-sama?” I asked.

“Lord Orochimaru is not going to be taking part in this mission. He’s too recognisable of a figure to take part in such a politically fickle landscape,” Kusari explained.

That did make sense. Orochimaru was a well-known Sannin, and the Mist was not taking an active interest in war against Konoha at the moment because of in-fighting. It was probably the only reason Konoha didn’t take matters into their own hands and offer asylum to more Kekkai Genkai holders. Not only would Kumo accuse us of trying to amass more power and escalate the war, but Kiri could very well take Kumo and Iwa’s side against us. This was to be a discreet mission. If anyone were to spot us, I’d have to make sure to kill them whether they be civilian or shinobi. Any word about Konoha’s presence in Kiri would be detrimental to the war effort.

The merchant cut in next before I could barrage him with more questions. “I have been trading with the Mist for the past few years kids. You’ll be travelling with me under the guise of my children while I teach you the ways of a merchant.”

“And the team leader?” Anko asked.

“That would be Hina-san,” Kusari said.

I gaped, and then pointed at my chest in confusion. Me a _ten_ -year-old was going to be the mission lead? Not to mention the fact that all my other teammates were a bunch of 13-year-old _Genin._ What the actual fuck was going on? I sent Kusari a confused look, and it seemed Anko had the same question as me in regard to his role.

“Then why are you dressed in Shinobi standard gear?” she asked.

“I will be covert back-up,” he said, smiling my way.

I had to keep my brows from furrowing in understanding. He was keeping an eye on me. It was a subtle way of threatening me. Kusari, despite being my ROOT issued partner, would ultimately listen to Danzo, and Danzo had a streak of threatening people close to me to keep me in my place. Kusari was a double reminder of the consequence of my failure being the death of people I cared about, while simultaneously reminding me he had an eye on me. His threat did nothing more than make me angry though. I reigned in my bloodlust. There was nothing more in the world I desired every day than to rip out his saggy balls and feed it to him.

“Right,” I said dryly before turning to the merchant. “And your name is?”

He smiled widely at the group. Bright yellow, almost orange eyes sparkling with a kind of mad glee. His long white hair was surprisingly thick for his age, tied up behind him in a mess of spikes that went in every direction. It was the sudden sharp glint in his eyes that caught my attention when he studied us all.

_Shinobi?_

“Rengoku Tomijo. Nice to meet you kids!”

* * *

The trip was incredibly slow. We were in a caravan consisting of Rengoku-san, another merchant named Komizawa Tenji, and about 4 horses to cart the merchandise. I genuinely loved the idea of riding on a horse, and considering I was team lead on the mission, I did mildly abuse my authority to do just that. I had privately named the horse Tug the III after Will’s horse from the Rangers Apprentice. Unfortunately for me, I really had no one here to appreciate all my amazing pop-culture references. I was wasted being reborn into the Elemental Nations of all places.

Besides annoying Anko and Rui with the fact that I was mission leader, and getting acquainted with Tug, I found the trip to be extremely boring. Horses were cute, but they hurt your thighs like crazy after a few hours of riding, and caravans were _slow._ Not to mention the fact that while Rengoku-san was very definitely a shinobi in his younger years, currently he was an old man with joint problems travelling along with another _civilian._ This meant three breaks a day, for the horses and for them.

That wasn’t to say that the trip was full of boredom and absolutely nothing to do. It was actually very educational. Rengoku and Komizawa were exceptionally well travelled, and not to mention they were incredibly well-learned men. They had trade knowledge, experience dealing with all sorts of clients, fun and harrowing stories, but most importantly they had _intel_. All of the kids enjoyed discussing commerce with them. Rui especially considering one of his many, _many_ goals was to establish better trade with wave for more seafood options in Konoha. The kid was obsessed with the ocean.

On the topic of Rui, was his surprisingly budding friendship with Kusari of all people. I didn’t expect the two boys to become close… although I should have seen it. The two were incredibly similar in a lot of ways. Kusari more because he was socially stunted from a lack of any good social environment, and Rui—actually I had no idea why Rui was the way he was. Either way, the two socially retarded boys came together to make something wonderfully disastrous.

"So the textile export is our biggest source of revenue huh. Wouldn't have guessed," I said amiably, twisting a bit of reed in my mouth, as I rode by his cart on Tug.

"What did you think it was?" Rengoku chuckled.

"To be honest the only currency I know that pays me well is death and politics," I chuckled awkwardly.

Rengoku snorted in amusement. "All Shinobi know is death and politics. It's a commodity that deals with blood debts, but us merchants deal with more peaceful goods. Textiles, ore, and produce; all necessary things to keep the world turning, or you ninja will be running about killing each other naked and hungry."

I let out a hearty laugh. Rengoku was a riot. Without his humorous quips this trip would have been dull. His jokes weren't without some reason though. The man was adept at imparting lessons without making them boring. He had a hint of danger to him that made me not completely trust him despite my growing fondness of his attitude.

"Are you ever going to come of your literal high horse and help out the rest of your lowly team?" Anko asked in exasperation as she jumped down from a tree.

"Maa, Tug here doesn't want to leave my company, or he'll be depressed. You wouldn't want to make a poor horse sad, would you?" I asked mockingly as I draped my hand across said horse's neck.

Tug whipped his head back and his thick mane hit my face. I held my red cheeks affronted by the blatant betrayal of my horse, and Anko laughed.

"Dammit no loyalty between comrades these days," I bemoaned before I finally got off the horse and decided to do my duty.

"Rui has done his perimeter check, but we both know you're the real sensor here. The tracks from yesterday are gone but I want to be sure," Anko sighed.

"That paranoia is good," I hummed in agreement. "Inform Rui and Kusari about our change in formation. We will take a wedge formation for the next two days."

Anko rose a brow and I grinned in response. She sighed and shook her head.

"You have that _look_ on your face right now—the same one Orochimaru-sensei gets when he’s plotting. So I guess I'm going to have to ask you why exactly we're leaving our rear guard exposed." Anko sighed.

I couldn't help the grin that took my face. Someone was following us, and after weeks of mind-numbing travel, it only felt right to have a proper head to head battle. No more of the boring old assassinations and sabotage, just a good old fight to the death. I expected this would be fun considering they had evaded Kusari's watch.

"Are you trying to bait them?" Anko snorted. "You do realise that even if they fall for something like that, we'll be having our backs to them giving them the advantage either way."

"You think I study seals for the fun of it?" I asked Anko with an amused chuckle.

I ruffled through my pack and pulled out a seal. She looked at it in confusion and I pulled her collar down making her squeak.

"What are you doing?!"

"Relax, I put one of these on you before," I said.

"You what?!!"

I held my sensitive ears and scowled. Damn people needed to stop screaming straight into them.

"When did you put a seal on me?!" Anko demanded.

"Hmm, I forget. Either way, what I was getting at is that I know when people come close to you when we're both within range."

Anko shivered and sent me an even dirtier look. I sighed. This is why I didn't tell her. She wouldn't like it one bit. Sometimes it was better to ask for forgiveness than for permission. If anyone got close enough to attack her, I would know and if it meant her getting a little angry to save her life, I didn't much mind it.

"Ignoring the fact that you're a total creep. What's the range on it?" Anko asked, looking entirely like she was trying to bite down her distaste.

"It pings me a chakra signature at around 300 meters, but only if I'm in the 300-meter radius as well."

Anko's anger died down mildly at that information. I wondered if I had given her the impression of being a stalker. I paled a little bit at that and grimaced at my inability to properly contextualize what I needed to say. Well... Sometimes it was good to just leave before you dug yourself an even bigger hole.

Either way the seal was rudimentary in nature, like an explosion tag, but its use was very practical. Shinobi used it as a common alert system for their homes. Buying it was expensive and triggered enough times the seal would eventually corrode away, but it was a necessary investment, so I’d learnt to make them easily enough, just like I learnt how to make a basic explosion tag.

It basically acted as an alert system when I was in close proximity to my teammates. It wouldn’t work if we were separated, but if I was close by it would allow me to know if anyone was sneaking up on Anko or Rui. Orochimaru, I found out, had used it many times on many people. I had no doubt I had said seal somewhere on my body, and if I really wanted to, I could find it and disable it, but I didn’t really see the need. If it helped Orochimaru look out for me then it was worth a little bit of my privacy. Not that I ever hid anything from him.

"Ok I'll take over tracking now."

Then I jumped off into the forest, my nerves strung high, and the familiar taste of battle on my tongue.

* * *

As I suspected the Shinobi trailing us did not attack. They kept their distance and suppressed their chakra rather well, but they couldn't hide their scent or their tracks from me. I could tell there were three of them. My nose and ears weren't as good as an Inuzuka’s, but it was close, especially after all the training Gaku put my through. They were rather adept at hiding their tracks though and any visual tracker would have had a hard time noticing their trail.

It was when we were unpacking to make camp for the night that they finally came. Well—one did anyway. His chakra pinged my detection seal and I signalled to Kusari. His purple eyes caught mine and he made no move to acknowledge so as to not alert the others. At least for now anyway. They were too inexperienced to stop their chakra from spiking when alerted to danger. If they knew, and panicked, I wouldn't be able to capture our assailant unawares.

"Ah, I really got to pee," I said giving a rather logical excuse.

"You don't need to proclaim it to the wild vege-senpai," Anko grumbled rolling her eyes.

"I for one would like to know your comings and goings for safety purposes," Rui objected.

Of course he would. I couldn't help but chuckle at that, despite half my attention being focused on the enemy chakra signature. I signalled a quick stand-by sign to Kusari before I left. I reached the back of the caravan at breakneck speeds. I wasn't the most silent person, so I preferred quickly dispatching people when it came down to it.

_Form 1- Circle Step: Aerial Style Disarming Whirlwind_

I wrapped my thighs around the man's neck and threw him to the ground before twisting onto his back. He let out a scream as I cracked the bone in his arm. A veil of dark yellow fluid dropped from his hands. Poison?

"What a pleasant surprise," I grinned. "I was beginning to be bored. Now why don't you call your friends over for a chat?"

"Fuck you!"

I twisted his broken arms and he let out a desperate cry. The sound of oncoming enemy Shinobi had me hoisting up the man and holding a kunai to his throat. I’d rather test the waters before jumping straight into a fight.

"Move an inch and you forfeit your life," I said sharply to the man in my arms before I turned to the forest and smiled. "Not you guys though. Feel free to come out now."

Two men dropped down and I noted the lack of any headband or village signifier. What side were they on? I didn't want to risk killing Konoha Shinobi who might be undercover

"Which village do you belong to?" I asked.

"Dammit, don't even try talking to the brat!" the man in my arms hissed through pained gasps.

I pressed the kunai deeper into his neck and smirked as Kusari, Anko and Rui dropped next to me. They were outnumbered now... not that I personally cared. They seemed a high Genin, low Chunin level. A grin took my face as I trailed the kunai teasingly against the man's neck. His comrades took a step forward itching to take him away.

"They were trying to poison us," Rui noted.

"How quaint," I snorted.

"Look kid, nothing personal ok. We need to eat too," the man with the turban like head-band said placatingly.

To eat? Were they nuke-nin then? A lot of shinobi were prone to defecting during war times, especially when they were beginning to become disillusioned by their governing bodies sending them out to die like meat sacks. Usually they were low-level shinobi, because those tended to die out in the field first and wanted to run away from their impending doom. Unfortunately for them, they were the group most likely to die. No one liked a village traitor. I myself didn’t find them distasteful. Not in the slightest. If they wanted to run away from their village then it was their prerogative. At least they would die free men. Telling me this wasn’t personal though was absolutely ridiculous and rubbed me the wrong way.

"Well then you'll understand why it's nothing personal if I kill your friend here," I said rolling my eyes before my expression turned serious. "Don't fucking bullshit me. The moment you tried to kill me and my friends without a village sanctioned kill-order, this became personal."

It was one thing to kill for a mission. I never held it against someone for that. It was entirely different to attack my comrades without orders. This was already personal. I wouldn’t lose a moment of sleep murdering these fuckers. But I wanted to do it _my_ way. Without Orochimaru here, I didn’t have anyone to stop me.

I threw the man in my arms forward and walked towards the confused Shinobi. They were probably wondering why I threw away a bargaining card so easily.

"Dammit Hina now is not the time!" Anko shouted.

"Stand back," I ordered sternly, and my teammates halted in their step. I turned back to the three enemy nin now standing in front of me and cracked my knuckles.

"Anko is right, now is not the time to risk it just to get your fix," Rui added in.

"Oh shut up you two. I wouldn’t do this if I didn’t think I could handle it. Kusari keep them from interfering."

"Hai," he said disinterestedly.

At least Kusari trusted me enough to know I wouldn’t willingly risk their safety. If these men were even slightly more dangerous than I thought them to be, I’d call them in to join me, but the matter of the fact was that, they weren’t dangerous. These were three grown men, but they were three grown men who probably were fated to the Genin corps for whatever village they were from.

"Fucking brat, you think you can take on us three at the same time?" the bearded one asked as he spat on the ground in disdain.

"Oh I don't know for sure. Why don't we test it out?" I asked, taking a tiger palm stance.

"Fine, but don't blame us if you die!" turban shouted.

He came swinging at me with his halberd. I jumped out of the way and grinned as he cut my cheek. My heart was speeding up and my blood was singing in my veins. Combat had a way of doing that. I couldn't help the grin that took my face, ignoring how addictive this feeling had become.

"Oh it's been a while since I've felt this good," I grinned.

I wasn't slaughtering some poor ROOT kid or assassinating some unaware shinobi who didn’t even get a chance to fight back. I was testing my mettle against people who could give me a challenge. This was the thrill of battle I had come to love. The competitive sucker inside of me lived for these moments.

I got down in my beast imitation stance and licked the blood dripping down my cheek. Turban jumped back, tching in disgust as he looked at me. How rude!

_Total Concentration Breathing: Walking in Winds Beast Form!_

Turban was pushed back by my sudden burst of speed and chakra. Beardy came at me from behind to grab me but I simply grabbed his arms and threw him over my back and into Turban. The boy I broke the arms of came charging at me in abandon and I scowled. He was ruining a good fight with his mediocre abilities. I tripped him with his own momentum before grabbing the back of his head and slamming it down on a piece of jagged rock. I bit down my distaste as his two friends screamed in distressed anger.

“Sorry, it was nothing _personal_ ,” I smiled a little vindictively.

“Fuck you! I’m going to have your head bitch!”

“Don’t get all testy on me. I’m giving you the privilege of direct combat to the death. Take it with dignity,” I huffed.

They hadn’t afforded us the same privilege when they tried to poison us. I was being too nice apparently. I spiked my chakra and ducked into Turban’s side. Before he could pull his halberd back, I jabbed my fingers into his sides.

_Form 1 Tiger Palm: Quick Claw Strike_

My curled fingers hit his diaphragm, ribs, and neck in quick succession, and then I ended it by jabbing my clawed palm strike straight into his stomach. His body arched forward, eyes widening in pain as he coughed up blood onto me. I threw myself into a handstand and jumped away when Beardy swiped at me with his kunai. He screamed in rage as he made his way to me, swiping his kunai at me wildly.

“You’ll need to be better than that!” I goaded.

“Fuck you!”

I jumped back again, dodging another one of his swings. Despite being slower than me, I could feel his power. His wild anger turned into a grin and I paused. I felt something sharp behind me and to my sides. When I looked down my eyes widened. Steel wire? His crossed arms pulled together and the metal wires surrounding me shot together in razor sharp focus. I heard Anko scream my name, but I didn’t focus on her voice, just on my imminent death. I threw my haori at the man’s face and substituted with it. The haori was ripped to shreds behind me as I jumped straight in front of the man and kicked him straight up the jaw, activating the blade in my heel and practically ripping his jaw apart.

Beardy stumbled away in shock and pain, as blood practically dripped down his half-severed chin. He let out a strangled, desperate cry before trying to weave together a last ditch jutsu. That would be much too risky right now. Before he could get past his third hand-sign I threw a shuriken straight at his fingers, severing at least two of them, and then taking advantage of his shock, I used my chakra slide to perform an aerial manoeuvre and I crushed his neck with a chakra enhanced kick. I jumped back gracefully and dusted myself off as he lay there on the ground breathing his last few breaths.

“That was a good fight,” I said, taking a moment to pay my respects before I turned to Kusari who had already tied up Turban.

“He’s not dead,” Kusari informed me.

I nodded and turned to see Rui leave with a frown on his face and Anko sigh in exasperation. I knew Rui didn’t particularly like violence, but I didn’t know he didn’t like it _this_ much. A lot of the missions we did together had me going off to do my own solo thing, while Anko and Rui worked together with other Jounin or did easier tasks. They were still Genin after all while I was incredibly close to being promoted to Jounin. I figured the only reason why I hadn’t been given another field promotion was because Jounin commanded forces of shinobi, and no one would take the order of a ten-year-old much seriously at all.

Either way, I hadn’t had much experience directly working _with_ Anko and Rui, despite them being my teammates. This was our first real experience in three years doing a mission together where we wouldn’t get separated almost immediately after reaching our destination. An _actual_ team mission. I frowned. I had no idea how to handle them or their personalities when it came down to it. Usually Orochimaru handed out the orders and dealt with us.

“Standard Konoha protocol states that we interrogate him on any information about his village he can give us,” Kusari reminded me.

I grimaced. _Torture_. Not exactly something I was exactly fond of in any way. I sighed and knelt down by the unconscious man and turned my head up to Kusari.

“You don’t have to be here while I do it you know,” I said.

Kusari frowned. “I am qualified and trained to partake in such matters.”

“I know you are, but I don’t like that you have to do it.”

“You’re not making any sense,” Kusari pointed out.

“I guess I’m not, huh… and what are you still doing around Anko?”

Anko huffed and crossed her arms. “Rui doesn’t like violence but I’m not so bad with it. Plus… I’ve always kind of wanted to witness an interrogation.”

I blinked in shock before sending her an odd look. She puffed her cheeks up a little in embarrassment and looked away as if flustered to admit such a thing.

“I don’t enjoy people being hurt, ok. I’m just curious,” she said defensively.

“Hmm, I didn’t say anything about that,” I said in amusement.

Anko did go on to be a part of T&I in the future if I remembered correctly. I’d seen her kill a few times without so much as flinching either. She had the instincts of a shinobi and most importantly she enjoyed fighting as much as I did… well maybe not as much, but close enough.

I turned back to our captive and slapped his cheeks a little to wake him up. He groaned before spitting out some more blood and opening his dark grey eyes in confusion. He looked up at me and then to the corpses of his friends and the anger and sadness burnt in his eyes. I swallowed some spit that seemed to be caught in my throat and sighed. I hated this part.

“Y-you killed them,” he said in a broken whisper, and then he turned to me with so much hate in his eyes. “I will _kill_ you!”

“I wouldn’t be so sure, considering you’re the one tied down right now,” I pointed out.

Those eyes of hatred—it was a reminder of something I didn’t quite like imagining. It made my breath catch in my throat and I had to remind myself to calm down and _breathe._ It was the same hatred I held for Danzo. I pursed my lips in distaste. To think I was to someone what Danzo was to me. In the end it really was a cycle of hatred that ran this world.

“I won’t tell you anything bitch,” he said spitting some blood onto my face.

I wiped away the spit and blood on my cheeks and sighed again. I was doing that a lot. Damn, this would have been so much nicer if I could simply just fight people without having to kill them.

“Do you want me to take over?” Kusari asked.

“No, it’s fine,” I said dismissively before I turned to see Rengoku come up from the caravan. “Oh Rengoku-san, do you happen to have a plier on you?”

“No but I do have a sheer,” he said before rummaging through a sack in the back of the caravan and handing me a sheep wool sheer. I took it with a quick thanks before turning to my victim. Here comes the unpleasant part.

“Ok, so for every question you refuse to answer, I’ll be cutting off a finger. Seems fair enough right?” I asked.

He paled but grit his teeth and looked away defiantly. I huffed in exasperation. This would have been more pleasant for the both of us if he just listened. As far as torture techniques went this wasn’t the most painful—just the one that frightened a lot of shinobi because losing fingers meant losing the ability to string together jutsu. It was a career debilitating move and the threat of it was often enough to get them to talk before the torture even began. I hoped he wouldn’t be so frustratingly stubborn.

“Which village did you originally come from?” I asked.

If he was a Konoha shinobi this would mean an immediate execution without any further questioning. If he was an enemy shinobi though, it really depended where he was from. If he was from Kumo or Iwa, I would have to torture him some more for more intel.

“I won’t tell you!” he hissed.

I put the sheer on his pinky finger and snapped it right off. The man let out a pained scream before gritting his teeth and sending me look of absolute loathing.

“You know, if you really want to kill me so bad, it would have been better for you to play along. At least then you’d have a way of using ninjutsu. As it is now, you’ll still be able to use a few hand-signs. So you want to talk now?”

“Iwa,” he hissed.

I sighed. This was going to be a long process, and not to mention extra paperwork when I get back.

* * *

“Did you have to kill him?” Anko asked.

“It was part of mission protocol,” Kusari informed her tonelessly.

“It was,” I agreed as I wiped the blood from my fingers on a rag, “but it’s not like I could let him go either way. He would have come for revenge and that would have been troublesome. Hey Kusari, pass me some ninja wire.”

Kusari handed me the ninja wire and I looped it around the man’s neck and pulled, cutting it cleanly off with a chakra enhanced swipe. I went on to do the same for the other man, but not for the one I had killed first. His brain wouldn’t be of use to the Yamanaka considering it took considerable damage. I had no idea if these two would either, but any intel was good intel, even if the Yamanaka could only get a few snippets from a dead head.

After sealing it and having Kusari bury the bodies with a quick doton earth removal jutsu, we decided to be on our way. Anko looked a little put off from what she saw, but I reasoned it was only a healthy reaction to have. Soon she would get used to it, like all shinobi did.

Rengoku gave me an odd look.

"Why did you go for direct combat?"

Oh that was his question. Well thankfully that was an easy answer that people seemed to find so odd for some reason.

"There's no dignity in dying suddenly, caught unawares. I despise assassinations. If you're going to die you ought to have a proper battle to the death."

"You were laughing. It seems to me it's more than just about giving them honourable deaths."

I snorted a little in self-depreciation. "I can't help it. I'm competitive and the thrill does feel good, but I don't enjoy killing. I enjoy a good fight, and in a perfect world it would simply be a spar."

Rengoku's smile seemed to brighten before he laughed.

"What’s so funny?" I asked a little miffed.

"No, no, it's just a relief. It's not often you see a shinobi so comfortable with their burdens. It's a good perspective to have."

I shook my head. Honestly, I was no saint, but even I knew I was pathetic. I didn't understand why other people couldn't see it. If I was truly strong, I wouldn't even need to draw a kunai to win a fight. That was an ideal I couldn't live up to. Despite what people believed, I didn't like death. There was nothing glorious about it. It just felt like a waste. People had so much to live for and they spent most of it killing each other.

"Do you think it's the right perspective to have on killing?" I asked curiously.

Rengoku paused for a moment and sighed. "I can't say so. I'm a merchant not a philosopher so who am I to tell others if they're right or wrong. All I can do is stop the things I have the power to stop and the reason to understand."

"That's a rather sound viewpoint," I said appreciatively.

"And you're a rather interesting child. Although that's probably not the case, is it?"

I blinked up in shock and Rengoku chuckled. Did he know? How?

"Don't look at me like that. You don't look old, you just act it. Like an adult stuck in the body of a little girl."

I let out a sigh of relief but couldn’t help but be a little happy about that. For once I wanted to be treated like my actual age. To constantly be treated like a child was more than a little frustrating at times. Probably the only good to come out of being a shinobi was how much easier it was to demand respect and autonomy.

* * *

The month and a half long trip was incredibly slow going, but besides being attacked by those three missing-nin, there wasn't much else of note. Kusari had dispatched a band of thieves on his own and really it was a peaceful road trip... that was until we reached Wave. Kusari quickly merged into the shadows, and out of sight. From now on he would be incognito.

I remembered the town being rather poor in my memories, but right now it looked thriving. Maybe Gato hadn't come through yet. That would mean the people living here wouldn't have had their livelihoods taken from them. I once again turned my thoughts back to Kogyo and the Furukuwa family I had stayed with, in that little mining town. I wondered if Ryosai took my advice to move with Emi and her husband to where I had given them Intel of new work. I hoped they did. I hoped they were alright.

"This place is oddly lively for a port town connected to the bloody Mist," Anko noted.

"That's because it's a vital service to the Kiri Shinobi. They protect the civilians here for trade purposes," Rengoku explained.

As I looked around the lively port town surrounded in a light mist at every corner, I came to realise that it wouldn't stay like this for long. These people would see their children starve in the coming future. For now though, the smell of seafood was wafting in and Rui's attention was certainly caught.

"So where’s the boat?” Rui asked, pulling his eyes purposefully away from the food.

I slipped out of the conversation while everyone was busy talking. Admittedly not the smartest thing to do as mission lead, but I had no doubt they could handle themselves for five minutes without me. I made my way to the sushi store and quickly bought a dozen or so rolls before making my way back to the group and handing it to Rui. He blinked in surprise.

“How did you—”

“Not so hard to figure out when you’re sending lovey-dovey eyes to the store,” I snorted in amusement.

Anko pinched my cheek. “We have trained our senpai well.”

I huffed in irritation before hitting her hands away. “I try to be nice—”

_Crash_

I felt my breath hitch. The sound of water hit my ears and I realised just ahead of me was the docks. I stopped in my tracks, wondering why this intense sense of dread had overtaken me. Anko and Rui stopped in their tracks, but I was too late to pull myself together without them noticing.

“Something the matter?” Rengoku asked.

I took in a deep breath and shook my head. The water was scary—yes—but it wasn’t going to stop me. I tried to push back the memories of being water boarded. Yeah, now that I thought about it there was a word for this back in my old life. I was no psychologist, but even I knew what it was. _Post traumatic stress disorder._ It was normal to be afraid of silly things. Hands on my head, water…. _touching_ in general. I felt a little indignant at the thought. The idea of having to deal with something purely reactionary like trauma—something so intrinsically _emotional_ , was not something I wanted to deal with. Just another thing to get in the way.

“Nothing’s the matter. Let’s continue on. The sooner we get to Kiri, the sooner we can sell our wears,” I said dismissively.

No one pressed. No one in this world was ever inclined to press which was more than a little relieving. Having to pour your fears and trauma out to a bunch of insistent people would be draining. Every shinobi had their little ticks—their ‘ _irrational’_ fears, and their way to cope.

That didn’t matter out in the field. The only thing that mattered out there was keeping a level head no matter the cost. No one’s emotions mattered when lives were at stake. That was the unfortunate truth of things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Hina’s first mission leading. It’s going to be a very action-packed arc. Hina is going to live up to her morally dubious title from now on! This mission is going to turn out to be super important to Konoha in the future and Hina is only getting like 40% of the actual picture going on here. So if things aren’t adding up, like why they’re sending a team of mostly Genin, and a Chunin to do something a group of high-ranking Jounin should do, it’s because there’s more to it than meets the eye. Background politics and the like that I can’t explain in fear of giving out spoilers.
> 
> After this mission is done… all I can say is that canon is no longer existent. The butterfly effect will turn from a rolling snowball to a giant bolder. Things won’t be looking the same.


	43. Chapter 43

Snap Back To Reality 43

* * *

The trip on the boat was easy, only in the fact that it was large enough that I was allowed to stay away from the edge. I sat by Tug at the bottom deck by the hay, feeling entirely too nauseous for my liking. I wanted to be back in the trees, jumping at blinding speeds, with _land_ beneath my feet. A day journey to the _Bloody Mist_ was not exactly going to be fun, but I didn’t think it would be this bad. Asides from Anko occasionally coming down to make fun of my sea sickness, I had been left alone in the ideal company of Tug—a horse with whom I felt too comfortable with.

Komizawa, the other merchant on our travel with us, eventually came down to get me. I was too out of it to really care about the fact that a bit of puke was still dribbling down my chin. He sent me a worried look and sighed.

“Damn, why would they send a shinobi who gets sea-sick on this mission?” he grumbled, helping me up.

“Ugh— mission assignments,” I agreed as my stomach churned uneasily.

“I hope you get over it soon because the moment we step out, we’re in Kiri territory, and I don’t want to get killed.”

“Just get me to some goddamn land and you’ll be fine,” I insisted.

He helped me up the stairs, and into our private room on the second deck, and I was met with my team grinning up at me way too smugly. They were enjoying my suffering way too much. I grumbled in distaste before pushing past them. Damn brats. They should respect their elders. Fortunately for them, I was too sea-sick to fight back, and I had my first mission briefing to get over with.

“Ok listen up guys. Kusari, keep on point 200 meters to the back at all times. Anko you’re with Komizawa. Rui, you’re with me and Rengoku-san. We do not engage Kiri-shinobi out on the open no matter what unless it’s absolutely necessary, but if you do engage I expect any and all witnesses to be dispatched immediately and a standard perimeter sweep to ensure there aren’t any stragglers who might have caught scent. Seal any and all bodies… ugh, what am I forgetting?”

Anko snorted and I grumbled before pulling out my missions debriefing list. I was a fumbling sea-sick mess. Why did I have to be the one to give out mission orders—oh right I was team lead on this for some reason. I tried to push down the apprehension I had at the thought and continued my mandatory mission brief.

“Right—once we get to our client, we will gather intel to proceed. As it turns out we haven’t gotten any explicit orders on how to smuggle them out of Kiri. Due to the immediate nature of this mission, intel couldn’t infiltrate to gather more information,” I continued groggily.

“More like they couldn’t risk getting caught,” Anko said derisively.

I wanted to agree with her, but she wasn’t meant to interrupt a debriefing. That was incredibly unprofessional. Thankfully for her, I was currently very nauseous and not in the mood to be a good mission lead and exact any punishment. Instead I let out a sound of reluctant agreement, before proceeding again.

“—So we’ll have to gather intel ourselves. Kusari, you keep on point with me at all times, unless I give you explicit orders myself. Now I know this is my first mission as team-lead, but professionalism guys—I’m looking at you Anko.”

“—Hey!” she said indignantly.

“Also since we don’t have any weapons on us, I want you Rui, to stick with Anko if you can. Conserve as much chakra as you can at all times. This means no training at all until we’re back at Fire Country territory again. No talking to any Kiri shinobi unless absolutely necessary, and it doesn’t matter who they are, we are not smuggling a member of Kiri outside of the Kaguya clan members who willingly come.”

I let my gaze linger on Rui, who seemed to scowl a little. I loved the little guy despite him being an awkward little shit. He was surprisingly kind-hearted and deeply affected by his compassion. He liked to hide that part of him behind a venire of cold, calculative knowledge that really wasn’t fooling anyone. It wasn’t an issue as long as he followed orders and made sure to kill his enemies though. Orochimaru made sure to beat that into him—a little too literally for my liking, but I rather he got hurt momentarily if it meant he stayed alive longer from that pain. This was my first mission as team lead, and I didn’t want anyone to die on it.

Despite how nervous I was about this I couldn’t help but feel immensely relieved when I saw the dock coming closer. Thank kami for land!

* * *

The fact that we were children, and old folk, meant that we got through the border security rather easily, although to be fair the border security seemed a little chaotic. From a distance it was easy to get lost in how foreign it looked. The buildings were cylindrical and tall, littered with small windows all around and trees growing on top. It was overshadowed by a very mountain range at the back, shadowed by thick fog. I was unused to such a different kind of mountainous sight. The mountains in Konoha were like the ones I’d seen back in Canada. It was wide and came to a point at the top. The mountains in Kiri were by stark contrast narrow, still coming to a point at the top, but not so notedly. It was like the pictures of mountains I’d seen in China in my old life. Essentially the sight was so foreign, even I had to draw a breath of wonder as we entered close to the main gate.

“Papers,” the shinobi standing guard ordered.

Rengoku pulled out his merchants id, while a few Shinobi quickly scoured his wares. They weren’t much for talking apparently. They simply got about doing their jobs, looking exactly like I remembered ROOT shinobi doing underground. It made my skin prickle with unease. At least in Konoha, the shinobi didn’t look so constantly hardened. They had an edge about them, but not this sort of stoic brutality.

As we entered the dreary interiors of Kiri, I was beginning to notice that a chaotic structure was apparently a recurring theme here. The streets had no specific planning. Konoha was sectioned off into districts and easily navigable streets and structures. Kiri was, on the other end of the spectrum, like a maze. I assumed this was simply a way to confuse any potential enemy shinobi entering. If it was, it was doing a darn good job at it, because I could barely keep a map of where we were going in my head.

While I liked to think of Konoha as what it was—a village under a military dictatorship, sometimes it didn’t feel much like one within the walls, at least not on a surface level. Konoha had quite a few more civilians than most villages, it had shops for designer clothing stores, little cafes, and parks for recreational purposes. Kiri however, looked exactly like what one would assume to be a village founded on a military basis. It had a stoic sort of structure to it, with muted colours, tall imposing grey buildings all curving inwards. It looked for all intents and purposes like the people that inhabited it; hard and cold.

“Liking the sights so far?” Rengoku asked.

Rui shook his head. “Konoha’s average humidity of 1.6% is my preferred climate,” he replied.

“I have no idea how to reply to this kid,” Rengoku said turning to me.

“Join the club,” I chuckled. “So our contact, you know her?”

Rengoku made a so-so gesture with his hands, his face twisting with an odd smile. “She’s a bit of a character, but you probably won’t be speaking to her first?”

“That’s not standard mission protocol,” I said frowning.

Rengoku sighed. “Well she’s as paranoid as they come, although you wouldn’t really be able to tell at first glance. She may look stoic, but she’s quite impatient and emotionally driven.”

I turned to Rui and raised a brow. Was this apparently a common personality trait in the Elemental Nations? I turned my thoughts back to the mission soon after.

“Who’s the new contact?” I sighed.

“A man named Kohachi,” Rengoku replied.

_Small Vase?_

“Is there any reason why he’s named something so ridiculous?” I asked amused.

“Coming from a girl who’s named after vegetables,” Rengoku snorted. “He’s rather short and oddly proportioned, not to mention his hair is rather… _wild_. Surprisingly mild mannered though, although he was known to be deadly in his younger years. A master of Genjutsu.”

I narrowed my eyes. Something about that rubbed me the wrong way. I was always wary of Genjutsu. It was one of those fields of practice I wasn’t very good at. I had all the chakra control and apparently none of the imagination to pull it off. It required a fine touch, a way to understand reality itself that eluded me. I much preferred the scientifically calculated and easily measured way a seal worked. Genjutsu was complex in a way that was beyond me. Again—there were different kinds of intelligence and I only possessed the technical kind that worked with formulas and numbers. Of course this came with the unfortunate downside where I found it difficult to see through a Genjutsu. I was still working on figuring that out.

“You speak of him like you know him,” I said instead.

“We’ve done business before. Not many vendors exist within Kiri.”

I nodded along. Eventually we did come to his home. It was a small out of the way house, old in its structure and just short of falling apart, but it was surprisingly clean. Our caravans stopped outside, and we took the horses in through the wooden fence and into a field. I turned back and Rengoku was already gone, gesturing heartily to a short figure. I turned to Anko and she huffed.

“I thought our contact was a woman,” she pointed out.

“Change of plans,” I sighed, before turning to my two teammates. “You two stay out here while I get a read on this man. Don’t go anywhere—I mean it,” I said pointedly to Anko.

She folded her arms and smirked. “We won’t. Seesh. Have some faith in us vege-senpai.”

“Oh, I have faith in Rui. You, not so much,” I said before gesturing to her in the universal ‘I’m watching you style’. “Oh and Rui, she’s your responsibility while I’m gone.”

The boy simply sighed, and rubbed his forehead, almost as if he was anticipating a future headache to which Anko replied with a feral grin. Good, maybe it would make him more sympathetic towards me in the future after he has to deal with her.

I made my way over to Rengoku and Komizawa and noted a smaller figure behind him. This must have been Kohachi. The man was indeed odd. He was short, had the typical downturned body of an elderly man, although he was certainly shaped like his namesake. Like a vase he tapered down at the bottom, and most oddly was his hair, which despite being aged white, was thick and braided up almost like a potted plant. When he turned around, he looked every bit an old man, with his wrinkled face, and spotted face, but there was something sharp in the way he moved—much like a shinobi.

“Ah you must be Hina-girl,” he said tapping his cane on the ground before waving his hands as a gesture to come in.

I turned back to Anko and Rui and indicated at the ground with a pointed look. Rui simply sighed, and Anko smirked like the little shit she was. I looked up at the sky and asked the lord for patience with her before I turned to follow Kohachi into his home. Komizawa said he would unload the merchandise while Rengoku followed me into the living room and sat down at the heated kotatsu.

Kohachi, despite his odd hair, seemed much like any other old-man. He was small, his body bent forward in the typical fashion that came with old age, and the skin around his cheeks dropped down slightly giving him the appearance of a rather depressed looking man. The sun-spots on his forehead spoke words for his age. Old age was a rare sight in the Elemental Nations, something to be celebrated, but one look at this man and it felt almost like a curse to live so long. He took a moment to shakily sit down. It looked like everything was a task at such an age.

"You must be the mission lead," he said, looking straight at me.

"Hai, I was told to talk to Kaguya Satomi," I said getting to the point.

"She is currently in hiding," Kohachi informed me.

I rose a brow in question and he simply sat back down, using his cane for balance before sighing.

"I'm not surprised you haven't heard. The Kaguya Clan was slaughtered two days ago. The coup was staged earlier than planned."

I wasn't exactly shocked by the news, but this certainly made the mission a lot harder. The Kaguya Clans betrayal was what initially sparked the bloodline purges. The Mizukage was on his way to be turned into a paranoid mess who would rather see to the genocide of his own people, than the strengthening of his army. Of course these things took time. It would probably be years before he ordered the murder of other bloodline users. As of now they were too valuable to kill off. Once the war was over it would become fair game.

I sighed and sent the old man in front of me a sharp look. It was bad enough that I had to contact someone other than Satomi, but the fact that he could very well be a plant didn't escape my notice. Killing our team would do nothing but implicating us in meddling with Kiri's internal affairs would be a devastating blow to Konoha. This whole scenario was ridiculous. Why send a team of children in for such a politically sensitive mission?

"And why exactly are you helping Satomi-san? From what I can tell you don't possess a kekkai genkai. So why risk your neck for traitors?" I asked, narrowing my eyes at him.

"Hina-chan," Rengoku said in disapproval.

I didn't budge. If my team was going to be in danger, I damn well didn't care if I stepped over some arbitrary social line. To Kohachi's credit, he didn't show any real emotional reaction to my accusation. He simply picked up his cup and sipped his tea.

"It's quite alright Rengoku-boy," Kohachi said amiably, making Rengoku settle back down before he turned to me. "Hina-girl is simply concerned about her comrades. An admirable trait," he continued before sipping his tea more. "You see, I am an old man."

"Does age change the value of your life any less?" I pressed.

He simply smiled as if he knew something I didn't. It was reminiscent of the kind of expression Orochimaru levelled my way often, which really didn't ingratiate this man towards me any less.

"Once you reach a certain age, you realise how much you've lived it out of fear. And then one day you're eighty years old, no wife, no children, a history of blood on your hands, with nothing but regrets," he says, his voice as croaky and drawling as ever, but without any real sadness in it.

"So what you're doing now—it's to make up for your mistakes?" I asked.

He simply laughed at that, as if I told him that the sky was green, and the grass was blue. I didn't really understand the humour behind it.

"Oh Hina-girl, you think what we do is forgivable? For a while there I thought you were old. It seems I was wrong—although that seems to happen often," he continues on slowly, a smile taking his droopy face.

He thought I was old? I had no idea how he would ﬁgure out my real age, but it didn't matter. Maybe this was simply the ramblings of an old man. Either way, something about him felt genuine, and I trusted Rengoku enough. Maybe Kohachi was really doing this for some benign reason.

"My age aside. I don't see a reason for you to betray my or the Kaguya Clan's trust. Sorry for questioning you earlier."

That was a lie. I didn't trust him, but he didn't need to know that. In this kind of mission it was best to stay on the cautious side, although in this case if he was in fact a plant, there would be no way out of this for my team other than to dispatch him and leave before causing an international accident.

"Your apology is unnecessary Hina-girl. Now I will show you to Satomi-girl. She is waiting for you, and she is very impatient despite her demeanour."

I nodded gratefully and both Rengoku and I got up to go. When we exited the old man’s house I turned to see Rui looking entirely done with his existence. Anko was… digging the ground? I sent the boy a confused look and he _smirked._

“What did you do?” I sighed.

“A simple Genjutsu, to keep her distracted,” he replied.

“Rui, she’s not a _dog_ … although she does kind of look like one right now,” I said, giving into amusement before I shook my head. “Professionalism, remember. We’re on a job.”

He snapped Anko out of her illusion and she looked up and let out an angry laugh.

“Oh-ho-ho, you think you can do that to me an escape my pranks?” she challenged.

“It was against mission protocol to sabotage a client’s workspace. I had to stop you before we violated any more mission codes,” he replied airily.

“ _Children,_ please,” I cut in, my exasperation coming through thick. “Get your shit together. We’re on a job.”

“We’re _always_ on a job,” Anko huffed, tapping her feet like an impatient child. “When are we not on a job? Might as well make our whole lives a job. I demand workers’ rights. A maximum 12-hour workday and a mandatory 2 month leave every year! With dental—don’t forget the dental.”

I sighed. Anko had a way of mixing her complaining in with humour, which just made her sound more ridiculous than usual. I understood her frustrations, I really did, but complaining in the middle of a job? Seriously? I prayed to kami that she would settle down. Anko was only a kid, and I normally didn’t have to handle kids. Orochimaru somehow managed to do it. Maybe it was his scary eyes? I glared at her, narrowing my eyes, and upturning my lips the way he usually did when he was disappointed, but she just seemed to smirk in response. I scratched my throat and sighed resigned.

“Jesus fucking Christ,” I swore in English.

“What?” Anko asked.

“Dammit Anko, I don’t have time to deal with you right now. Rui put her in another Genjutsu if it helps. I will contact our client and you two will _behave_ or kami-forbid I will pull an Orochimaru on your ass and give you both corporal punishments.”

I didn’t bother to interact with them more. Maybe I could have them sit out this mission. Keep them playing the look-out, even if it would annoy them. If their heads weren’t in the game, I didn’t want to risk their help. This was our fifth consecutive long-term mission. I couldn’t blame them for throwing a little tantrum, but it certainly wasn’t an ideal situation. If Orochimaru were here, there wouldn’t even be a problem.

I left them at the house with Komizawa and told the man to keep an eye on them. He sighed but nodded along, twitching the twig in his mouth lazily and looking entirely like a Nara. I left, not to convinced that things would go right on their end, but with no other choice but to move on. Kohachi was surprisingly fast-paced for an old-man and so we followed him into the trail behind the house. I walked beside Rengoku who had been commenting on the beautiful mountain range.

“Something the matter Hina-san?” Rengoku asked.

“Just some trouble with the team,” I sighed.

“It’s understandable,” he chuckled. “You’re younger than them and children respond to age as authority. You differed to me right now despite not having to.”

“I did not—” I said a little indignantly before I realised, he was right. “Ok fine. Bite me. What am I meant to do with that information anyway? It’s not like I can suddenly look older than them.”

“You don’t have to demand their respect immediately, you simply have to divert it elsewhere, and then when the moment does arrive prove to them that you’re the leader.”

I nodded along and considered it. Rengoku was right. I could simply get him to relay my orders and keep them in check. When it came down to it though, both Anko and Rui never hesitated to listen to my orders during a combat situation. We were all conditioned to differ to authority in those situations. Often times a shinobi who didn’t listen was a dead shinobi. I could do this. I could lead this team.

“Are you sure you want to cajole those two kids?” I asked in amusement.

“If it helps the mission, I’m not so averse,” he said amiably.

“Well it’s your funeral Rengoku-san. Now why exactly are we going into the mountains?”

Kohachi turned around and grinned.

“Hina-girl, you’ve never been to a shrine before?”

A shrine?

* * *

I had never in fact been to a shrine before. My parents in this life hadn’t been religious or spiritual at all. In my old life I had been to Hindu temples with my mother and to Christian churches with my father. I never found the effort to believe in either. Now, I couldn’t discount the fact so much of a deity existing. I still found myself uncomfortable at the thought. A higher being, just watching your every move, taking in your actions, _judging_ you from a completely inhuman perspective that came from being in a literally different plane of existence to a mere mortal… well it was more than a little terrifying.

Not to mention my little stint of breaking the rules of nature by reincarnating and keeping my memories.

Yeah, I hoped God didn’t exist. In fact, I hoped I would die properly the next time around, because the idea of being ripped from one alien life to the next for all of eternity was an existential dread I found myself choosing to ignore, least I want to spiral into uncontrollable anxiety. The fact that I was inside a shrine right now wasn’t helping with these wild thoughts.

There weren’t any statues of any deities though, just banners on either ends of the walls, incense wafting through the draft, and the familiar tomoe symbols of the Sharingan in an odd pattern. I had no idea what it meant. We walked a little in and I saw striking white hair. While Kakashi’s hair was white, it looked silvery and darker in areas. Satomi’s hair was like that of soft snow. When she turned around, I was met with one of the most delicate faces I’d ever seen, pupils unnaturally large, eyes oddly unblinking. She was angelic in an unnerving way. Almost alien.

“This is our shinobi,” she said with barely hidden discontent.

I tried not to bristle. I looked like a child. It was very well within her right to question my competence. I would too, but it was becoming a grating repetition.

“Satomi-san, I apologise if I’m not to your standards. Konoha would have spared a more _suitable_ shinobi if we weren’t in the middle of a war on two fronts. You understand how politically— _delicate_ this situation is correct.”

I couldn’t help the condescension that dripped from my tone. Once in a while, I was allowed to play these adult games. Give as much as I took. She didn’t seem to show any reaction to my words however, her façade as cold as her hair.

“I am placing the life of my family in your hands shinobi-san. You hold the lives of my children, and our Clan’s future. My father, my brother, my cousins have all been killed and hung on crosses in the town square. Did you happen to see them on your way here?”

Crucified? She asked me if I had seen her crucified family as if she was asking if I passed by her favourite bookstore. I faltered at the thought. For someone who had just lost the majority of her family, she was oddly calm. No, not calm. I knew that expression, the expression of someone who showed no weakness, someone who hid their pain and grief inside, and away from the predator’s eyes. There was a measure of safety in appearing indifferent. Still, I had no reason to sympathise with her. This certainly changed my plans for the mission, but beyond that I wasn’t obligated to care, and I actively didn’t want to. The last thing I needed was to be emotionally compromised because of the client.

“It may come as a surprise, but we aren’t here to sight-see Satomi-san. We came immediately here, and the village square was not the fastest route.”

“Well, then I’m afraid you don’t quite understand the gravity of the situation,” she continued on.

“There are approximately 70 Kaguya Clan members. How many are alive?” I asked.

“Three.”

“Then I understand. Sixty-seven lives have been lost, and now we have three remaining.”

She smirked sardonically, which was the closest thing to any emotion she had ever shown since we spoke.

“I fear you still don’t understand the gravity of the situation… but I see it might be irrelevant to you, as this is simply a mission on your end, one that seems Konoha has no vested interest in if they’re bringing in a mere child to do it. You will forgive me if I am more concerned about it than you are, so I will not waste our time. It’s been two days since the massacre, and me and my two boys are considered missing, although there has been a search party already sent out for us. Kohachi-san is adept in covering our tracks for us so far, but I fear it won’t work forever. The security and patrol teams have been doubled and the border tightened, but it is also in disarray. My clan managed to make a sizeable attack on the shinobi populace. They are still recovering.”

I listened with apt attention. Finally, noteworthy intel. This could be the start of a plan. Maybe a safer route to smuggle out her and her children, than stuffing them in the back of their cart and hoping for the best. I turned to Rengoku who nodded his head my way in affirmative. He was listening too. This was good. As much as I trusted Anko, and sometimes Rui in a combat situation, I couldn’t exactly put my faith in a bunch of 10-year-olds when it came to a plan. Rengoku has his head screwed on right at least.

“Okaasan”

I turned to the right and saw two children peak out from the underground cellar, looking entirely like mini versions of Satomi. It was more than a little irritating that they interrupted during a crucial part of her debriefing, but I didn’t miss the way Satomi’s expression softened as the two little children ran into her arms. They looked to be about three-four years old.

“And these cuties are?” Rengoku asked.

Satomi’s lips turned up into a motherly smile, the darkness in her eyes clearing a little. “These are my boys, Kota and Kimimaro.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof yeah, I did just introduce my boy Kimimaro in his cute 4-year-old stage XD In Naruto canon he was ‘found’ by Orochimaru after he escaped his prison cell during the Kaguya Clan’s massacre. I decided to say a massive fuck you to the canon timeline, because why not?!   
> ┻━┻︵ \\(°□°)/ ︵ ┻━┻  
> Annnnnyyywaaay, this arc is inspired by the movie, Red Sea Diving Resort It’s basically about Jews smuggling an Ethiopian-Jewish community from Sudan, because they were being hunted down and killed by the Sudanese government. It’s such an intense movie, and if that isn’t enough of a recommendation, Chris Evans is in it. That’s right, America’s ass is in this movie. Now you can’t not watch it XD


	44. Chapter 44

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT NOTICE. PLEASE READ!  
> I am NOT dropping this story, however I will not be updating for a few months. I’m not sure how long at this current moment.  
> The reason I’ll be taking a break from updating isn’t because I’ve stopped writing. It’s actually the opposite. I want to be at least 10-15 chapters ahead of what I’ve uploaded online again.
> 
> It has to do entirely with my style of writing. Most authors will write up a chapter and post it. I personally can’t do this myself, because I have to go back and change things all the time. I think I’ve already found several plot holes and inconsistencies in my last three chapters because it’s close to what I’ve already finished writing. Also this arc is a pretty finicky one. One thing leads to another and I need to make sure the build up paces well and makes sense. So a little warning beforehand but I might be changing the last 4 chapters I’ve uploaded too. When I post up the next chapter, I will detail which chapters I have changed and what exactly.
> 
> Thanks to everyone who reviewed. I honestly love reading all your reviews! I probably have an unhealthy obsession with it actually!
> 
> Check out my art at jaz_hop on Instagram. I drew a comic of Hina and Kusari to practice my art. If anyone has any recommendations for a comic version of a scene already in the story they’d like to see, leave it in a review here. I may or may not draw it if I find the time! Also it’s great to meet a lot of artists through this story. Love all your guys work at suu_itosukai, shirumbrenimudigital, and sleepingayumu. Check out these artists on Instagram too!

Kimimaro... the boy who would eventually grow sick and die fighting for Orochimaru. Looking at the little boy, all round and childlike, I found it hard to reconcile with the image of a dead man walking. There were many dead men walking of course, people I know had died already, maybe in some story, or alternate dimension or something. They were alive, but sometimes they were dead.

Like Asuma.

Then there were the actual dead. I tried not to let this supposed future get to me. My involvement would surely change things. I could maybe count on the big events out of my reach to still happen even with my meddling, but I tried not to let it dictate my life. I only really remembered the bigger events anyway, but I had a feeling that living to adherence of some arbitrary future events was not a life well lived. Change was inevitable, and if I was the catalyst, then it was simply a factor out of my control.

I shot my attention back to Satomi as she continued explaining what all she knew about the guard rotation at the walls, and other possible escape routes.

"Moving out today will be risky considering it would be odd for a merchant to come and go so quickly," I finally said. "So we wait a week, sell the wares and when it seems natural, we go."

"Do you think you will play your role until then?" Satomi asked.

"Don't worry Satomi-chan, I'll make sure nothing goes wrong," Rengoku assured.

"I take this seriously... despite what you may believe," I said, keeping my tone somewhat soft and reassuring.

Satomi's indifferent look softened for a moment and she nodded my way. I nodded back, grateful to come to some form of understanding with the stoic woman. I only let my gaze linger on Kimimaro for a second before I stood up from the shrine and followed Rengoku out.

"The situations not so good," he sighed, cracking his back.

"It's not," I agreed. "Out of all the survivors why did we get stuck with two toddlers."

I noticed the disapproving look on Rengoku's face and I was mildly cowed.

"What?" I asked.

"They are children, which is precisely why you should not have said that. Their lives are valuable."

"I know they are," I said defensively. "I never said they weren't... it's just that they don't have the ability to control their emotions. It could be a liability out there. It could get us killed."

Rengoku's eyes softened when he looked at me, but there was also some growing amusement in them.

"Don't forget you're also a child. And you seem to be controlling those pesky emotions quite well," he said sarcastically as he rolled his eyes.

I huffed indignantly. "I am always professional."

"Sure thing."

"I am!"

He gave me a pointed look and I glowered back. I wanted to fight him more, defend myself, but it might as well have just proven his point more, so I stewed from behind him and wrung my head for a change in topic.

"The village square—I want to go there tomorrow."

"You heard what Satomi-san said. Her family was crucified there—it's probably not something you should see."

"I want to know what she meant about not being capable of comprehending. Once I see it myself, I will know."

Rengoku didn't move to speak against me, but I could see him looking at me from the corner of his eye as we met back up with Kohachi. The old man hit his walking stick twice on the ground and smiled.

"Let’s be on our way then," he said, voice croaking.

I nodded and he led us back to his home. My thoughts were on the mission. My first mission as team lead. This was too big to screw up. Too important to fail.

* * *

“Why are you looking at me like that Rui?” I asked, giving my teammate a side-eye.

“You’re really leaving me with Anko?”

“Yes, I need to go gather some intel and you two don’t have your head in the game. It’s too serious to mess up,” I explained with a mild frown.

“Team effectiveness is exponentially increased in the event that all parties are of a sound state of mind,” he said with a pout.

“And your point is?” I sighed.

“Don’t leave me with Anko,” he whined.

I turned to Rui and sighed. Not that I wasn’t sympathetic to his plight, Anko could after all be very annoying when she was in one of her moods, but did they really have to pick _this_ mission to go rogue on me? Why couldn’t Orochimaru be here to deal with their bullshit. I wasn’t their sensei.

“Look—”

“—You know I’m a better observer than Kusari. Take me with you and leave him here. Anko won’t irritate him. She’s too scared of him,” Rui reasoned.

“Fine, fine, but just this once. I’m keeping you two together because you work better as a team in a fight. Kusari doesn’t know your combo moves, Anko does.”

Rui nodded, and I threw him some textiles. He caught it and put it down in the bag. Before we left, I hooked a civilian knife under my kimono. Even civilians carried around weapons. It would be silly of them not to unless they had a guard detail on them. Two children going to find pricing to sell wears in the Village Square wasn’t so unusual a sight either. I had no doubt no one would find us suspicious. Not that people paid attention to children unless they were somewhere, they weren’t meant to be. Being a child had its perks and disadvantages.

“Where are we going?” Rui asked.

“The Village Square.

* * *

I caught the smell a mile away. The stench of rotting corpses wasn't easy to miss and my sensitive nose wasn't helping, but I had become used to keeping my distaste hidden. Rui, not so much. His nose crinkled and his eyes watered as we entered the village square, barely earning but a glance from the people around us. I caught sight of hanging feet and looked up to see dozens of bodies hung up on crosses. Odd thing how something of a religious symbol from my old world held none of that inspirational meaning here. It was simply a torture devise in this world. Nothing less.

"So many," I mumbled in slight awe.

I smelt vomit and I turned around to see Rui puking his guts out on the ground. I put a hand on his shoulder, feeling a rise of worry.

"Are you sick? Poisoned?" I asked, growing increasingly paranoid.

He wiped his lips, looked past me with a gaze of horror and then looked away. I turned back to the sight of the hung bodies and my lips formed an 'O' in realisation. I grimaced at my stupidity.

Should I get him away? No, he needed to see this. See whatever it was Satomi wanted me to see too. There was no use running away from the reality of war when you were in the middle of it. Rui wasn’t like Kusari or Anko. Rui was soft, and maybe he just needed to see more and get used to things.

"Look at them Rui. It'll be good for you," I insisted.

"Why?" he asked, sounding every bit like a scared child.

"You need to get used to it. I understand that you don't do well with violence, but it's going to hold you back."

"I know," he snapped at me, before he reeled back and looked down. "I know... but how—how do you look at that and stay the same?"

You don't. Rui jerked out of my grasp and ran away. I cursed for a second, wondering whether he had lost his mind. He knew we didn't leave each other alone on a mission. I made to move for him when I felt a presence besides me.

"That was really mean you know. To do that to your brother."

I turned around to look up at the Kiri Shinobi who came my way. I was surprised by his sudden presence which instantly put me on alert. I was a sensor and anyone who could startle me was someone to look out for.

The man was tall and thin, built wiry with taught muscles. His face was angular and sharp like the rest of him, not quite traditionally handsome, but exuding some kind of beautiful danger. I couldn't help but raise my guard at his presence. This was the chakra of a Shinobi who far outshone me in battle prowess. I could feel it. His feral grin was enough to make me stiffen.

"No need to be afraid," he chuckled.

"A weird stranger is talking to me. I have every right," I countered back.

"I suppose so," he hummed with a grin. "You're an odd little girl aren't you. An undercover Shinobi perhaps?"

I felt my blood run cold, but years of holding in my fear and emotions meant I could snort of his comment like it meant nothing. He seemed to reconsider after that, but his interest in me meant something. I caught the hint of metal and looked down at the oddest blade I had ever seen. He noticed my gaze and patted the hilt proudly.

"Do you like it? It's called Nuibari, and so am I.”

The _sewing needle_

"Your name is Nuibari?" I asked with a spike of horror.

“People tend to forget my name. It’s stupidly long. You can call me Needle. That’s what my friends call me.”

Nuibari—the _sewing needle._ I looked at it again and found myself paling. Needle caught my look and smirked as if he knew what I had just realised, but instead of decapitating me where I stood, he simply turned back to the corpses hanging on the crosses. He was Kushimaru Kuriarare the wielder of Nuibari the sewing needle blade.

One of the seven swordsmen of the Mist.

"Don't you just love the smell of rotting flesh. Really brightens the day," he said with a no-nonsense tone that made me wonder if he was even being sarcastic.

I was oddly calm for a walking corpse. I wanted to chuckle at the thought that I’d die today, in an infiltration mission away from home—the first mission I ever led. I knew when I was outclassed in every way, and this man besides me was just that—someone beyond my level of skill to even think of fighting. A part of me however was crooning in anticipation. A fight was a fight, and I knew it was suicidal to feel this itch to test my mettle even when I knew I would be dead.

"There's nothing bright about this. Even the blood has dried darker," I replied carefully.

"Hmm, you're right, it's always a lot more fun when it's freshly gushing out."

"Is there a reason you're talking to me Mr Swordsman?" I asked with a curious look.

He could have easily killed me by now. What did he even want? What did he gain by talking to me? His sharp gaze made my skin prickle and he looked entirely too much like the predator for me to feel safe.

"Why I liked the way you looked at these corpses. Your eyes are like steel. It excites me."

I couldn't help the disgusted look that twisted my face.

"I'm ten," I grumbled out.

"So? Age means nothing when you've got your hands in someone's gut," he laughed.

Huh? Did he find some sort of pleasure in killing people? I didn’t know whether that was better or worse than him simply being a paedophile. Still a part of me had to recognise that we were the same brand of weird.

The more pressing issue was that he was somehow able to spot through my disguise without any effort by just looking at my... _eyes_. Seriously that was stupid. I was about ready to bolt. As much as the idea of battling a swordsman of the mist was a turn on, I also didn’t want my team to die. I needed to diffuse this situation and make sure to _avoid_ a no-win conflict.

"Why are you talking to me? What do you want?" I asked, hoping to barter for some way out of this or even better—his silence.

"I want blood, battle, and maybe some fun, but it looks like you're more ready to bolt," he sighs.

"Yeah can you blame me?" I asked. "Look, even if I could fight you, which I can't, do you really expect me—a ten-year-old—to take on one of the seven swordsmen of the mist?"

He hummed as if in thought and then nodded to some conclusion I had no idea of. I felt the sweat trickle down my face. There was no doubt that if we were to fight right now, I'd die.

"You're right. You look like fun, but you'll probably be a lot more fun in a few years. How about this little Shinobi girl—you tell me who you killed to get that steel in your eyes, and I'll let you go, no word on my part."

That didn't sound realistic at all. Why exactly would he let me get away if he knew I was an unsanctioned Shinobi in a hostile nation? What was his game? Either way I didn't want to risk his wrath.

"My parents," I said after a moment. "A knife to the heart and a hand through the chest."

Needle whistled as if impressed. "Patricide huh. That's hardcore. You know who I killed?"

I suspected he wanted me to ask because he was grinning my way silently for a moment. I just nodded my head, unable to hold back the shiver as I met his strikingly clear amber eyes.

"I killed my brother. Oh, he was a tough one. Almost as tough as me, but not tough enough. He ended up just like one of these poor fuckers," he said looking back up at a crucified Kaguya Clan member.

I couldn't help the scowl that came on my face. How could he talk about his own family so flippantly? How could he kill his own brother and look so untethered to drowning guilt?

"You know, I spotted those cold steel eyes of yours from a mile away."

I snorted in disbelief. "Oh really, you got all that from my eyes?"

"Contacts right?" he smirked

Oh... I felt a little stupid now. I thought he was talking about some stupid like the eyes of a killer or something. Those kinds of things were hard to ascertain until you were in a battlefield, surrounded by killing intent, looking straight into the eyes of an opponent. It wasn’t like in daily life, many people walked around looking like they were ready for bloody murder… unless you were Orochimaru of course.

"They aren't your real colour. I know. I used to hide mine. Well it's been fun talking to you—"

“—Suzuki Hina.”

It was his turn to blink in surprise.

"And you're fine telling me because?"

"I know what you want now," I said calmly.

"And what is that?" he asked, grinning with all teeth.

"You enjoy a good fight. I do too, but you don't feel any loyalty to anyone or any place so you live your life looking for the next high, and there's nothing more exhilarating than a fight to the death," I explained knowingly, catching his gleeful expression and returning it was a nervously excited smile.

"Oh, I knew you were going to be fun. I'll meet you in the future, friend. Then we will fight to the death," he said excitedly before he walked away.

“I look forward to it,” I replied, surprising myself with my honesty.

I couldn't help but wave him off, feeling incredibly exhausted mentally after that encounter. My shoulders dropped, and I hadn't even realised they'd been tensed. I had missed a narrow death. If he fought me now, I wouldn't have lasted a second. Still, my blood was pumping hard in my veins and I realised I almost activated Total Concentration Breathing on accident. I clenched my fists and looked back up at the numerous corpses, all bloated and starting the decomposing process. They wouldn’t be here for much longer unless the village wanted to risk some sort of disease spreading, so it was good I came by today to get the last glimpse of what it meant to be even two days late to a mission.

This was what we did.

We murdered. Some of us enjoyed it, some of us didn’t—but it didn’t change the fact that we were all doing the same thing one way or another. The motivation really didn’t mean anything in this equation. Maybe there was fundamentally something inherently wrong with all of this. If there was, I couldn’t put a finger on it, because when I remembered Rui’s reaction of horror, all I could feel was a blinding, painful indifference.

* * *

Rui had the decency too look chided. I didn’t feel like yelling at him though. As much as it made me irritated that he ran off leaving me alone, it was probably for the best. I had no idea if he would have survived that conversation with Needle. A bloody swordsman of the mist… yeah, we were screwed.

“I’m sorry. It was illogical and endangering of both our lives for me to leave—”

“—It’s ok Rui,” I interrupted. “For now we have a bigger problem. I was accosted out there by the wielder of Nuibari.”

“One of the seven swordsmen?” Rui asked in alarm.

I nodded and sent him a serious look. “Kushimaru Kuriarare himself. We will have to hurry up the plan now. No more time to spend waiting around, and I can’t exactly kill him either.”

“He left you alive. Why?” Rui asked.

“He’s not following me if that’s what you’re concerned about. I think he’s a more selfish man than a patriot, but I don’t want to risk his interference. We’re leaving tonight.”

“The additional mission to gather intel?” Rui asked.

“I’ll be doing it right after I talk to Satomi. Get to Anko and put her on high alert.”

Once we were deep enough into a secluded area, I bit my thumb and summoned a snake I really didn’t want to summon. A small thin green snake slithered down my arm and I had to hold back a sigh as it sent me a baleful look. Amaru was one of my few talking summons. She was rather hard to deal with in temperament, but she was useful when you could get her to listen. It helped that despite looking… _adorable_ she was one of the most poisonous snakes in my arsenal. Two doses of her venom and you wouldn’t have the time to expel it from your system before you were dead. I had more poisonous snakes in my arsenal too, but those were genetically engineered and mindless. They often died the moment they bit into someone. Amaru was more valuable than that. Both her and Ryunosuke my red-belly black snake, were two of my best summons. Ryunosuke took too much chakra to summon however, and so I often didn’t bother, but it was unfortunate that he had the better temperament of the two.

“My _mighty_ summoner has finally called upon me I see,” she hissed condescendingly.

“I’ll have snacks for you later Amaru,” I sighed.

“I want them now,” she demanded.

“Later,” I emphasised before I handed her to Rui. “Take her with you as back up in case anything goes wrong. Also if she bites you, here’s the antidote.”

Rui paled a little at that. I handed him the clear liquid bottle from my pouch. He took it and looked nervous for himself.

“We’re in a lot of trouble. Can we do this without Orochimaru-sensei?” he asked.

“Need your sensei to wipe your ass for you kids,” Amaru cackled.

I ignored the snake. “We can’t always expect Orochimaru-sama to help us or run missions with us. We would eventually be expected to take missions on our own, and this is not any different. The question is, do you trust yourself?”

He looked down at that, and I sighed. Maybe that wasn’t the right thing to ask. Maybe what he needed was some positive reinforcement. I was admittedly out of my depth. I patted his shoulder consolingly, unsure of what else to say.

“Well if you don’t trust yourself then trust your teammates. We were trained for this,” I reminded him.

He nodded. Then we went on our way.

* * *

This mission was turning out to be a clusterfuck. I couldn’t imagine what I’d have to report to Danzo once this was over. Not only would I not be able to lie, but I’d have to admit that I had not just let any witness leave, but one of the seven bloody swordsmen of the mist. I ran my tongue over the roof of my mouth in worry and frowned. I’d have to figure out the last bit of the fuinjutsu seal before I reach Konoha. My plans would inevitably have to be moved forward. There was no way in hell I could mitigate the damage to myself or my family and wait until after the war to do what I needed to do against Danzo now. He would have me killed. There was no way around it now, and I refused to let him have another win. It was time to be proactive.

I snapped my thoughts away from Danzo and onto the present. I couldn’t be caught up in things outside of the mission while I was doing it. That was a sure-fire way of getting your ass killed by surprise. So after taking a moment to deliberate my breathing, and calming my jumpy nerves, I made my way into the room where I heard Satomi and Rengoku talking.

“Hina-chan, good to see you back,” Rengoku said.

“Did you see what you needed to see?” Satomi asked.

I nodded, and she searched my face, possibly to find whatever emotion I was feeling right now. The downturn of her lips and slight furrowing of her brows might have indicated that she did not see what she wanted or expected. It was neither my concern nor duty to worry about what she thought of me though.

“It’s certainly something to see so many dead bodies in one place,” I said as evenly as I could.

“What did you think?” she probed.

“It was a waste. Death is wasted potential,” I said softly.

I didn’t like that her searching eyes somehow seemed to stop suddenly as if she found what she needed. There was nothing simple about people and their beliefs. It was layered with nuances and hypocrisies. I wasn’t so ignorant as to believe that everything I assumed about the world didn’t have an inkling of some contrary belief attached to it, making me question my own stance on things. It was rare that anyone believed anything a hundred percent. So to see a woman I barely just met seem to assume she understood me and the way I thought was more than a little grating.

“Never mind that. What do you know of Kushimaru Kuriarare?” I asked, hoping to get back on topic.

Satomi looked up sharply at that name. “The wielder of Nuibari?” she asked.

I nodded and she pressed her lips firmly together in what looked like a disapproving scowl.

“I know quite a lot about him. He was my brother’s close friend. He lives to kill and destroy. He finds pleasure in maiming and torturing people he considers weak, but he enjoys a battle to the death with those who he deems worthy.”

“His allegiances?” I asked.

“He works solely for his pleasure as did many of my fellow clan members who revelled in killing,” she said with distaste.

I sighed and decided to break it to them.

“He spotted me at the village square.”

“What?!” Rengoku asked alarmed, finally inserting himself into the conversation where he had been happy before to sit back and watch.

“Considering that you are alive and here with us as of now, it is safe to assume that Kushimaru took a liking to you. What specifically happened?”

“He noted my contacts, seemed to instantly take me as a shinobi, but he didn’t jump quickly in to fight or I would be dead. Instead he questioned me about my thoughts on… death, and we came to an agreement to wait a few years for a fight. I doubt it will be a spar, but—friendly—maybe? He seemed to think we were friends anyway, but I assume he makes them to kill them. Is he a threat for now is what’s important?”

Satomi and Rengoku were both silent for a minute before the women finally spoke up. “I don’t think he will be an issue for now, although you are certainly marked for death.”

I sent her a glare. “In a few years I doubt it will be me dying.”

Rengoku laughed, breaking up the tense atmosphere. I couldn’t even send him a baleful look because his laugh seemed to always brighten up the mood, even if his wide-eyed look was disconcerting as usual.

“Not many people would be nearly as confident as you,” he said appreciatively.

“Well if I bent over for fear of death from every powerful shinobi that threatened me, I would have already readied a grave for myself in preparation. There is not enough time in the world to contemplate failure, which is why when I say that I will complete this mission Satomi-san, that I mean it.”

Her pale red eyes seemed to spark some sort of trust in me for once and she nodded firmly. Rengoku sent me an odd look but I didn’t have the time to question it.

“What is our plan for now?” Rengoku asked.

“I will complete my secondary mission. You two will prepare the escape route with both Anko and Rui. Anko, Kusari and I will take our clients through the mountain pass and meet you at the 3rd extraction point we noted on the way here. Rui will remain with you as backup. If anyone comes by in the meantime, take our clients and go. Leave a visual depiction of a snake somewhere in this room and I will track you down.”

They nodded. I worried that I had forgotten any sort of extenuating circumstantial situations that might pop up in my absence. Either way, it was not possible for me to cover any and all unexpected scenarios that may or may not happen. Meeting Needle was just one of the many things in a mission that could go wrong. The fact that it hadn’t ended in instant mission failure was a miracle in itself. I spared a glance at Rengoku. When he shifted back to Satomi, he kept his hands innocuously to his thighs. I didn’t miss the outline of some weapon underneath his thick cotton outfit. It was good to remind myself that despite what I thought, or what Danzo or any higher ups wanted me to believe, that I _knew_ more than what they wanted me to. No way would they send a group of children in for a mission like this. An inkling of a worrisome thought made it into my head.

Did Danzo set me up to fail?

And for what reason, I did not know, and that’s what truly worried me. Anko, Rui and Kusari could easily die if things went south and I had a feeling it would. Rengoku was good at making me drop my guard with his friendly attitude, but I had to watch out for him. In the end he was a Shinobi claiming to be a merchant. It was ironic that possibly the only person I trusted in this group other than my team was the one person the Shinobi handbook always said to keep an eye on—my client—Kaguya Satomi. The woman wanted to keep her children safe, and that was a motive I could understand.

It wasn’t long until I took my leave. I had an espionage mission I needed to do solo, and it was set-up for failure. It was with a building anxiety that I pushed myself back out into the field.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m curious to know of what everyone thinks of Kushimaru Kuriarare (AKA Needle, AKA one of the seven swordsmen of the mist and wielder of Nuibari.) He’s not an OC. He’s a canon character in Naruto who really enjoys killing and crucifying people. His sword is actually the coolest in my opinion. It’s basically a long thing blade (like a needle), that has a razor-sharp thread attached to the back of the hilt. He can throw it through a group of people, while he quickly body flickers around them, and suddenly he’s stitching different people’s body parts together into a giant human ball corpse-pile. It’s both terrifying and awesome XD


	45. Chapter 45

Infiltration was an art in itself. As a member of Orochimaru’s sabotage division, I had become adept at it. While other frontier heroes like Minato preferred the ambush and blitz strategy, Orochimaru had a finer touch to his missions. Often times he led teams of ROOT members unafraid to die and sacrifice their lives for the mission and so he had bodies to spare, even if it was not advised to kill too many of them for a plan. I was, thankfully, not one of those dispensable bodies.

Orochimaru devoted enough time and resources into my development to consider me a long-term investment. He would be sourly disappointed in the future if he ever decided to leave Konoha. I had no intention of leaving my family and friends behind unless it was absolutely necessary. But that was beyond the point. The point being that, in our long partnership together, I had essentially been built up as a tool for his missions. That meant my primary skillset, beyond the Taijutsu I had focused on with Gaku, was infiltration-based methods taught to me by Orochimaru. I was a swiss army knife designed to infiltrate and sabotage.

The first technique he had taught me that paired with my body modification was how to wear someone’s skin. It was a jutsu Orochimaru created himself, that allowed a person to make space inside of someone. For a brief moment their body was yours, but it was more than that. You were inside of them, and so it was more than just a henge. You could keep their chakra signature, their voice, and even to some extent their mannerisms that a henge could not compare too. I didn’t need to master the henge with this. I could wear someone like a new pair of jeans. All it took was a silent assassination and then a much riskier invasion. The body needed to be killed in a discreet method. No kunai to the eye or any such overt wound would work.

Wearing someone like a skin had its upsides. For one, there was less of a margin of error compared to a Henge, in which you could give subtle yet blaring inaccuracies away even as the most astute observer. A kunai holster in the wrong angle, a mole slightly off-kilter, maybe the outfit being a shade darker or brighter—these were all things Shinobi who were worth their weight, knew to memorise about their teammates. In a world where it was common knowledge to be able to take someone else up as a disguise, observation and application were essential. A true master of the Henge, just like a true master of the Kawarimi and Clone jutsu, were often the line between life and death. The Academy Three were underrated jutsu in my opinion.

I sidestepped the potential downfalls of the Henge by learning Orochimaru’s personal body-snatcher technique. It wasn’t something that could be widely taught, especially considering it required some expensive and risky body modifications before even learning the hand seals.

I had taken over the body of a poor guard on duty near the commission’s office. I had no idea how the Mizukage dealt out missions, especially the politically sensitive ones, but now was the time to find out. Danzo would want information on Kiri’s future plans. Anything big or small. Intel was intel. I had a vested interest in their plans solely for the completion of my mission. So I took in a deep breath, prayed no one would approach the man I was wearing, and walked into his position. Not wanting to be approached, I kept a certain distance away from others. I tried not to overtly hide, but there wasn’t much else I could do but send chakra to my ears and listen in as best as I could.

Most of the conversations were oddly banal. I didn’t know what I expected. Maybe talk of murder. These were Kiri Shinobi after all. They were practically famed for their love of killing each other. If it weren’t for their ideal geographic location on an isolated island, they would have been long since invaded and overtaken by another Shinobi village. A cohesive village was a surviving village, and so far, Kiri looked to be the most divided I’d seen of any force. I’d heard rumours of the Caste system of course. It wasn’t a foreign concept to me. The Caste system still existed in India in my old life. The idea of one group of people holding superiority to another simply because of arbitrary historical events from hundreds of years before didn’t sound logical at all, especially when you considered that in the end they were all human and therefore not better or worse than each other.

“What’s got the patrols so tightened?” one of the guards finally asked.

I turned my attention back to the conversation.

“Word is that Konoha knows of our weakness and is ready to strike.”

I blinked in confusion. No that didn’t make any sense. Konoha specifically wanted to avoid a conflict with Kiri… right? My orders were explicit on what it meant if we were caught. I took a moment to breathe as my thoughts flew together and everything clicked. Why send children to do the work even professional Jounin would find risky? Why send Orochimaru’s team themselves? Why wasn’t Orochimaru here? Then it came to me.

…Someone wanted to ignite an international conflict with Kiri, and someone wanted us out of the way in the process.

“What do they think we’ll do, sit back and listen to their orders?” the other shinobi snorted.

“Not us you idiot. The bloodline bastards probably. We all know they’re the most resentful. If I had it my way, I’d throw them out into more dirty missions. It’ll teach them their place.”

I felt panic begin to rise in my chest. I had ignored this growing sense of wrongness for so long, so entrenched in my belief that Konoha would have no reason to misinform their own team on a mission. I had the inkling of suspicion but something innately blocked me from really taking this betrayal into consideration. Once again, I had trusted authority and it had failed me. Now I had a team full of _children_ , _my_ children to get home safely and the mission was rigged most likely to let us die. It felt like the world was closing in on me. The sound drowned out and I felt almost like I was suffocating. I body flickered away, behind a tree nearby a clearing with no chakra signatures before I fell to the ground and took a moment to try and catch my breath. I felt like I was dying.

“Wha—"

I couldn’t even speak, and it took longer than I liked for my breathing to go back to normal. Once I felt like I wasn’t suffocating to death, and my thoughts became clearer, I took a moment to wonder just what the fuck had happened. Panic had never overtaken me so quickly and so hard like that had. It was terrifying to think that for those few minutes I was so overtaken by emotion and panic that I had left myself vulnerable in enemy territory. Even now I felt incredibly tired, like the anxiety had taxed my body. This wasn’t good. If this happened again during a mission, I would be compromising not just myself, but my teammates. I needed to keep my emotions in check.

I ran a shaky hand through my face and forced myself to focus. The logical thing to do would be to go back and get more intel. A specific look into how exactly Kiri would retaliate to this supposed intel that Konoha was planning to attack them. I had no idea if it was in fact Konoha or some third-party feeding Kiri false information. It unfortunately made more sense for it to be a mixture of both. Something this big wouldn’t have been released to mere guards if it weren’t verified information that the Mizukage himself approved of letting out to his people. It was unlikely that this information was false unless whatever third party had done this, had some very good way of falsifying information and feeding it to a Kage of all people.

Who would gain to escalate the war in Konoha but Danzo?

I hit the ground and cursed. I didn’t know for sure it was him, but since almost everything always went back to him, I didn’t think it was too far-fetched. I had no idea what he hoped to accomplish by doing something like this. Was he simply war hungry or was there more to it that I wasn’t seeing? Either way I would personally gut that fucker the moment I got back. No one _hurt_ what belonged to me.

“Focus Hina,” I mumbled to myself.

I needed to go back, and this time, I would need to get more than just the words of a few guards.

* * *

It was nearing night-time when I finally managed to make my way back to base. I walked numbly into the house, looking blankly at the kunai holster in my hand. I had taken it off the man’s corpse after I hid it somewhere discreet. I would need it soon. I sighed and looked up at the roof, hoping to calm down my nerves. I would need to inform everyone of the grim news. Rui and Anko, who I had managed to keep out of ROOT business so far, would have to know as much of the truth as I could physically give them with the seal. After taking a moment to gather myself I walked up behind the door and paused when I heard voices. It was Kohachi. He was talking to Anko and Rui. Whatever it was they were discussing could wait. I strode into the room with an urgency that demanded attention.

“I have bad news.”

Their expressions fell, except Anko who crossed her arms and snorted as if she expected it.

“You all might want to sit down for this. Rengoku-san, can you get Satomi-san here for this.”

Rengoku nodded. I turned to Kohachi and swiped the sake he was drinking from his hands. No one commented. I probably looked like shit, and even they knew I needed this. I took a swing of the alcohol, hating that it barely even made a buzz. It was probably for the best. Even if I wanted to get shit-faced right now, I couldn’t risk being too drunk.

“I think we broke vege-senpai. She’s going to turn into an alcoholic because of us,” Anko said dryly to Rui.

“If that were the case, I’d have already drunk myself into the grave,” I said raising a brow her way.

Before Anko could make a witty retort of some kind, Satomi walked in with Rengoku and Komizawa. I gestured for everyone to sit down before I took in a deep breath. Once all eyes were on me, I began with a solemn tone.

“This mission was rigged from the start. I’m ninety percent sure someone sent us on a suicide mission without our explicit permission.”

That was enough to get everyone to shut up and pay closer attention. I began recounting my time infiltrating the basic ranks. I had no time to do more than that, but from what I gathered there was something bigger on the way, and I had an inkling of what it was they were going to do. I barely used my future knowledge much, but once in a while it gave me a good indicator of things to come, and for once I had information that could save countless lives and damn others in the future. It all felt a bit too heavy of a burden to bear for one single person. Thankfully, I felt no urge to save thousands of people, just the people that mattered.

Once I finished going over my findings and what I assumed to be my inferences from things. It was Anko that spoke up first.

“So you’re telling me a Councilman has it in for us? Why?” she asked.

“Not us, maybe Orochimaru-sama,” I said, although it wasn’t entirely a lie.

“Konoha does not wish to take the Kaguya Clan in for asylum?” Satomi asked.

“I’m not entirely sure why they wouldn’t. Your Clan is strong and any Kekkai Genkai is worth at least ten shinobi,” I replied, hoping to ease her tensions, but it seemed to hold no effect.

“I think you are mistaken Hina-san. You see, any normal Clan would be worth ten shinobi, but the Kaguya Clan is dangerous by nature. Those of us who can activate the Shikotsumyaku are often driven by an unquenchable thirst for blood and death.”

I felt both myself and my team stare at Satomi in shock. What the actual fuck? Wasn’t that something you lead with at the start of a mission instead of the middle of it? I rubbed my forehead. That was certainly both unusual and more than a little disturbing. I couldn’t wilfully bring members of a bloodthirsty Clan into Konoha, even if I did somehow manage to get them out of Kiri. I tried to ignore the shitstorm I knew would happen at Konoha’s gates, with both Shikaku and Danzo breathing down my throat respectively for my loyalty. I didn’t want to play their games. I just wanted to come out of this with everyone alive.

“Satomi-san, I can’t bring you to Konoha if—”

“—My children bare no such curse,” she said sharply.

“How can I believe you?”

“My hair is white. What did you notice of the other Kaguya Clan members at the Village Square?” she asked.

“They all had black hair and distinctively different faces,” I said carefully.

“I am of mixed blood. Both of the Yuki Clan and the Kaguya Clan. I don’t know which Kekkai Genkai my children will manifest just yet, but surely Konoha will find them useful.”

Even she couldn’t hide the tinge of desperation in her voice as she bartered for the lives of her children. I wasn’t exactly heartless enough to leave them here to die anyway, even if she seemed to perceive me to be so.

“Then the mission still stands,” I said. “We leave 9pm sharp in our caravans to give the impression we are leaving together. Kohachi you will take Satomi-san and her boys to the Shrine while we do so. Kusari and I will circle back and pick up our clients.”

“You should take us too,” Anko interjected.

“No, you two are at best high-level Genin. If we are targeted by Jounin, or multiple Kiri-shinobi then I will require Kusari and myself to have both the speed and the freedom to retreat. This is non-negotiable. I will talk to you two later for a private debriefing. For now I need to talk to Satomi-san.”

Despite all the childish whining and complaining from before, when it came down to it, both Anko and Rui knew when to throw it aside to concentrate on the mission. It had been so engrained into our heads that a disobedient shinobi was a dead shinobi, that now that I was leading, I found myself questioning that notion entirely. It was easy to forget how fallible leaders were, when it was Orochimaru leading you into missions. While he was an irredeemable douche, he was also smart, and I knew with him I wouldn’t be allowed to die. I had afforded the same trust to the missions we were dealt, and even more stupidly to this mission. Wasn’t the most shinobi phrase in existence “look underneath the underneath”. I had been so naïve not to do so.

I gestured for Satomi to follow me out and I couldn’t help the somewhat irritated look that took my face. I managed to reign it back when we went out for some privacy.

“You withheld that information from me,” I said, my voice coming out dire and harsh, even though it sounded too young to hold any real authority.

“It seems your superiors did too. It wasn’t exactly a secret, so why weren’t you told about it?” she asked.

I sighed. An intervention was turning quickly into an interrogation, and I really didn’t have the energy to fight back. I just wanted to get out of here with everyone alive. I couldn’t bring myself to put her situation lightly for her to ease her worries. It felt both disingenuous and actively harmful to do so.

“They never had any intention of this working, although if it did, I don’t think Konoha is as clean as you think it is. They will turn your children into weapons.”

Satomi looked grief stricken for a moment. I felt a little bad for how callously I had put the fate of her children down, but the truth was often times hard to swallow.

“I never wanted them to be Shinobi,” she whispered with a faraway look. “I had dreams, of running away… away from my godforsaken Clan that lived on blood and death, and away from a Village that fostered and encouraged such terrible atrocities. We would live secluded in the mountains in a shrine, start a farm, live a simple life away from death and war. I would teach them the Shinobi arts and hope for a chance that they’d never have to use it.”

I hadn’t known Satomi for long, but it felt like every hour that went by, her cold mask of indifference was breaking. Behind that veneer of unfeeling callousness was someone grieving terribly. For the first time I wondered if it was her Clan that made her this way. To feel like she had to put on a cold air of apathy to survive. I couldn’t imagine. As much as I stayed clear of emotional moments, tried to live in the world of pure logic, I was allowed to _feel_ , encouraged to do so actually. For how much Konoha also valued the ideal of a shinobi throwing away their emotions, they also valued family and bonds and unity. You couldn’t have those things without emotion.

“You know very well that your dream is impossible. No sane village would let two Kekkai Genkai wielding children out of their grasp,” I said logically, although I kept my voice softer.

“I know,” she sighed. “Which is why I sent word to Konoha, specifically to the Nara Clan who take in children of all sorts. I’ve heard of your Will of Fire. It’s a powerful force of unity.”

It was in theory. Many leaves, one tree and all that unity bullshit. In the end it didn’t matter how many of the leaves were connected, as long as the roots were festering with rot. I wanted to give her hope, that even if I brought her boys back to Konoha and they wouldn’t be forced to be Shinobi, that they would live happy lives. I couldn’t promise her a lie. She would be politically married of in exchange for her safety. Her bloodline was too precious to waste away with only two children. They would have her as a glorified baby machine to some Clan, entrenched in politics. Her sons wouldn’t fare much better.

Maybe if there were a few more living Kaguya Clan members, things would be different. They could start a proper Clan within Konoha, and while their rights would be restricted during their first and second generations, the children after that would be considered proper Konoha citizens. Even as a restricted partisan in Konoha would have been better than being the lower caste in Kiri though. As it stood now, she was faced with the decision of death in Kiri and living caged in Konoha. As an individual I knew someone like her would have chosen death, but as a _mother_ I doubted she would risk her life because of her children.

“You spoke of a third-party escalating tension here with the Kekkai Genkai holders. What would Konoha gain from that?” she asked.

“From what I can gather it’s one of two options. Either the persecuted Clans hear word of Konoha offering refuge to its Kekkai Genkai wielders and we get powerful bloodlines, or it starts a Kekkai Genkai purge here and Kiri is too entrenched in a civil-war to pose a threat.”

“What’s to say Kiri doesn’t take the fight to Konoha. Why would this Councilman of yours risk it?” she asked.

That’s what confused me too. As much as Danzo was power-hungry, he also had Konoha’s safety as an entirety at heart. He wouldn’t risk Konoha. No this was a move against someone else. Someone was here before Danzo escalating the tensions between Konoha and Kiri, likely to get Kiri to join in the war and overwhelm Konoha with enemy on, not two, but three fronts. Danzo was likely playing a bigger game of chess, using this mysterious enemies move to his own benefit. Maybe it was Madara… maybe it was Zetsu or it could possibly be Kiri and Iwa finally playing things smart. I had no real way of knowing, but the move was an alarming one. It didn’t come without risks though. I knew what was coming next, and the fact that I knew it would directly affect Kakashi, Rin, and Obito was enough to make my anxiety spike.

This was the whole mess that escalated into a Bijuu being sealed into Rin so Kiri Shinobi could throw her into Konoha and unleash a tailed beast. Had that meant that I had missed Obito’s ‘death’? Had Madara already gotten a hold of him while I had spent months on the road to Kiri? No, he knew the Shunshin now… and all he needed was that little edge in speed for things to play out entirely differently. Also I _existed_ which meant things would never play out the same way even if I hadn’t taught him to move faster.

“Hina-san?” Satomi called out, and I snapped my attention back to her.

“Sorry, no you’re right about that, but I don’t have an answer, just speculation at this stage. I can tell you one thing though. A civil war is on the way and you don’t want to stay here any longer than you have to. When we escape, I need to know if you can keep up.”

“I don’t look it, but I am a Chunin,” she said resolutely.

Well that was better than nothing. I nodded. My stern expression softened a little.

“I know this doesn’t mean much, but I have two brothers and I understand. I have killed for them, and I would do more. You’re not any weaker for protecting your family.”

Her expression turned determined, and a fire lit behind her red eyes.

“You are mistaken Hina-san. I love my children, but there are things beyond them worth dying for. A world of peace is possible. There is a prophecy of a child to come.”

Naruto

I blinked up at her, and her eyes were full of unbidden hope. She would be sorely disappointed. Things would take decades to even reach the place she wanted to see, and in this world, there was no guarantee you would see past a month, let alone decades. But maybe it was the hope itself that kept people going.

“You have the look of someone entrenched in blood Hina-san. It’s the smell of a killer that surrounds you. I’ve been around people with the same scent long enough to smell it instantly.”

I frowned. Ok, so what? I’d killed a few people… well a _lot_ of people, some in more horrible ways than others, but it was for the most part not personal. I was simply carrying out orders. I didn’t enjoy it, which was the only thing I would allow this world to expect of me.

“I don’t see how these observations pertain to our mission,” I said dismissively.

“It’s always more than that Hina-san. One cannot simply blame their deeds on their job. Morality is not somehow put on a standstill because it is written as an order to be carried out. My children… I need someone to tell them that, which is why I am telling you, otherwise I would have kept the Sage’s edicts to myself for now.”

“You’re talking like you aren’t going to be there to tell them yourself.”

She smiled sadly.

“It’s wise to know one’s limits. I am no killer.”

It was entirely unfortunate because she believed every word she had said. I nodded. She could tout her pacifism, but I was not some broken soul to be mended. I did what I had to. I was not proud of it, or what I had become, but it was something born out of a necessity, and the bright ideal of a world where one did not commit evil was impossible. I should know. I had killed many people begging for their lives on a metal table in the name of scientific progress, but the reality was much more brutal than that. I hadn’t killed them for any specific goal. It was just something I did to ingratiate myself with Orochimaru. Maybe there was some method I could have taken that didn’t implicate me in crimes against humanity, but I’d never been afraid to take the safest route when it came to my family even if it meant I’d forever be stained by blood.

“Well you’re in luck because I’m one. I don’t fail my missions. I take pride in getting a job done, and luckily for you, your children and your safety is my job. We leave at night. Take whatever weapons and take only what you need.”

I had a job to do and I would darn well do it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait ToT I was writing up a storm and now I'm 6 chapters ahead of the update schedule! Thanks for waiting everyone!


	46. The Sages Edicts

Snap Back To Reality 46

* * *

I placed the cargo back in the caravan and fed Tug an apple. The sleepy horse huffed at me in a mixture of annoyance and appreciation. I felt illogically like I had to explain myself to it. I sighed and scratched behind its ears in apology for waking him up so late.

“I know buddy, but we have to go,” I apologised before being guilted into feeding him another apple.

The other two horses sent me looks of longing, but unfortunately for them they weren’t my favourites and… who was I kidding. I succumbed to their collective cuteness and ended up feeding them apples too.

“Apples are expensive in this region. Is it wise to feed the cattle?”

I turned around to see Kusari folding his arms by the shed. I knew he was there and so it hadn’t startled me in the slightest, but my heart was beating fast. Had he known? I felt inexplicably tense besides him, looking into his guarded navy blue, almost black eyes that glinted under the moonlight. He looked like every ROOT agent did; cold and stoic, yet I could never see him that way. Behind the poise of a killer all I could see was the ghost of a smile, of a carefree child that _should_ have been. A part of me thought it was ridiculous I held onto the notion that any innocence still remained in him. Maybe it was the guilt that despite pulling him under my protection, I had managed to do absolutely _nothing_ to protect him from Danzo.

So it begged the question. Did he know about the mission being rigged? Was he even allowed to tell me? Was he capable of physically doing so?

I ignored the question he asked about feeding the horses. A million things were on the tip of my tongue that could have been considered small talk. I could tell him that horses weren’t cattle. I could tell him that it didn’t matter if the apples were eaten now because we wouldn’t be selling them anymore. I could tell him a number of things and pretend I never questioned him in the first place, because I _should_ trust him. Instead I held out my hand. He looked at it hesitantly, but with a longing that I only ever saw in private. He took it quietly, almost reverently, and we laced our fingers together. I drew him close and into a hug so I could stop myself from asking, but it didn’t stop the glimmer of worry still there.

What would I do if it was true?

“Did Danzo tell you about this?” I croaked out, biting my lip, and keeping my chin firmly on his shoulders.

His hands tensed for a moment and then he looked at me like he was unable to speak. He frowned, then looked down and then away.

“At first I thought I couldn’t do anything,” he admitted, like he was telling me his deepest secret. “I remember the day you killed Hakanai. It was beautiful. I still remember it today. It felt… freeing.”

I found that I had no idea why he was telling me this now. Kusari wasn’t one for many words. Unless he was stating mission directives, or was asking questions, he hardly ever spoke, especially not about himself. It had nothing to do with my question which was telling enough as it was. He probably wasn’t allowed to speak about it. I felt my worry grow.

“I thought this mission was a punishment for feeling that way.”

I paused. No. No it wasn’t. I felt so angry. So fucking angry at Danzo, at the Hokage, at Konoha. A _child_ was confessing how his thoughts alone warranted feeling like being sent to his death was alright. How could anyone who proclaimed unity and the will of fire allow a child to think this way? Why hadn’t anyone done anything? Why hadn’t _I_ done anything?

“It’s not,” I said angrily. “It’s not your fault. It’s not… I can’t put it into words.”

“I know… I can’t either, but it wasn’t a punishment you know. Rui is fun.”

The softness in his voice caught me off-guard. While the two boys barely interacted, it was probably a lot more interaction than Kusari was ever allowed to have in his life with anyone other than me. Their friendship was something special.

“Can you tell me in any way possible if you were asked to have us killed?” I asked him again.

“Rui is fun, and so is Anko and Rengoku,” he continued with an imploring look. “And you are—”

He paused for a moment as if the words were stuck in his throat. He shook his head as if to tell himself to stop and I felt marginally disappointed somehow. He was just opening up.

“This mission was not a punishment. It was fun. Even better than when you killed Hakanai.”

“It makes you feel free,” I blinked in realisation. “We make you feel free.”

He nodded and held my hand tightly, eyes searching mine for some clue of understanding. I felt my worries clear up. His loyalties didn’t lie with Danzo which was a relief because I couldn’t afford to have someone sabotage this mission, even if it was Kusari. I almost didn’t want to think about what I’d have to do if it wasn’t the case, if he was indeed tasked with sabotaging us. Would I choose him if it meant risking my teammates? I couldn’t see a clear choice there. Kusari was my duty in a way that no one else was because he was a child, and I was the only one in this whole world who wanted to help him. I was the only one who could.

“I’ll free you Kusari. I promised you remember. We are not tools. Not kunai. No one would ever use us again, but I need you to trust me. I have a way of doing so… to remove the seal.”

I expected pain but it didn’t come so I continued despite the widening of Kusari’s eyes.

“I haven’t tested it out on a live subject yet, but it should be done. So whatever mission Danzo put you on, I need you to throw it away. We’re doing this mission our way from now on. You stay here with the children and Satomi-san. I’ll be back for you, but if I’m not here on time you take them and leave with us. If we die you take them to Danzo and contact a man named Nara Shikaku. Tell him I sent you.”

He nodded grimly at that. He put his forehead against mine and I felt myself graced with a rare smile of his. I smiled back.

“You won’t die, and I will not be a tool,” he said resolutely.

“That’s right.”

* * *

I got into the cart noting the way both Anko and Rui were more silent than usual. We weren't the quietest team around. Even in tense situations one of us preferred to make an inappropriate quip to ease the silence if nothing. The idea however that their own village betrayed them, was definitely a reason to be introspective. If I weren't already so disillusioned with authority, I would have been in just as much of a shock as them. I wasn't though. I don't even know why I was surprised. I should have seen this coming. Of course Danzo would want both Orochimaru and myself dead. We had both proven to be more of a liability than an asset. It didn’t matter how brilliant of a shinobi we were, just that we listened to him solely.

"Let Rengoku-san and Komizawa-san do the talking. We will only speak unless spoken to. If we're caught, I want you two to run. Don't wait up for me or the old men."

"But we can't just leave them," Rui protested.

"We can and we will," I said sharply.

As much as Rengoku and Komizawa didn't deserve to die, I would rather them do so instead of Anko and Rui. I knew this wasn't the way Konoha tended to work ideally, but since when did I care about the will of fire? Anko, Rui and Kusari were more important to me than a few men I had just met a month ago, let alone two children I had no connection with. It wouldn't be ideal to lose anyone, but I knew who I would chose to save if it came down to it. Even the Kaguya children would be left behind if I had no other choice.

"We don't leave anyone behind in a mission," Anko said resolutely.

They'd already been so brainwashed, even though Orochimaru wasn't particularly inclined to proclaim the will of fire. In the end they learnt it from other Jounin they worked with, especially considering how actual little time they had to learn from their own Sensei out of his training drills. While this meant they probably weren't as disillusioned as me, they were also incredibly loyal to Konoha itself. Already indoctrinated at the ripe young age of 13. I scowled at that.

"I have suspicions that Rengoku was a Jounin at his prime. He can take care of himself. You two just make sure you get out alive."

"What about you?" Anko asked with a frown.

"I'm team lead. If we fail, I'm taking the fall and I might as well be dead anyway. So you two get out alive and if I die go to Nara Shikaku."

Rui folded his arms and frowned. He was catching on and considering how little time they had to process all the shit that was going on, I was surprised he came to any conclusion outside of the obvious. Then again, we were Shinobi, and Shinobi always looked underneath the underneath.

"You know why this mission was rigged. Why we were chosen."

I didn't have the heart to lie so I just nodded. Anko let out a breath of disbelief.

"And you didn't think to tell us?" she asked.

I winced. "I physically can't. Now's not the time to discuss this. We can talk once we're safely out of here with the kids. It's a 2-month journey back to Konoha. We have the time to talk then."

I didn't wait for a reply. I didn't want to risk it, so I went out front to meet the merchants. Kohachi tagged along too.

"Thanks for having us here Kohachi-san," I said gratefully.

"You better be grateful Hina-girl. I just signed my death," he said waving his walking stick.

"Doing what you believe was right," I said imploringly. "Hope it eases whatever's on your conscience."

He snorted as if it was the farthest thing from what he wanted to achieve. Then he looked at me and pulled out something from his sleeve. I froze as he handed it to me. An omamori. It had the same Yakuyake kanji woven at the front. I felt my blood chill and my thoughts blur for a moment before I managed to catch my brief lapse of emotion.

"A ward for evil, huh," I said a bit too angrily.

"It's not the object itself. It's the belief."

"A placebo," I said nodding.

He nodded back. "You believe you will be safe, and you will most likely be safe."

"Well it's lost some of its magic now that we know how it works huh," I said sardonically.

Kohachi just paused and searched my eyes.

"You know Hina-girl, that's how most things in life works. We make what we believe. Reality often doesn't matter to an individual as much as you think. Reality for realities sake is a false ideal. We all live in our own perceptions."

I had to swallow the retort on my lips, that there were things objectively true, but I didn't. He sounded exactly like he was parroting the words of my first mother. But there were things you could quantify, measure, and understand objectively and I needed that to survive, maybe more than I needed air to breathe.

He seemed to take a moment before he spoke.

"I killed my own child. My little girl but four years old, because she was born unable to walk. This world—this _village_ would have never taken kindly to her sort, and I had neither the strength nor the will to face off against a whole village like Satomi-girl is doing.”

I took in a deep breath, feeling my mind blank for a moment. Kohachi didn’t seem to be lying. In fact he looked entirely truthful. There was a sorrow in his expression that felt all too familiar.

“To some it may seem cruel, to others a mercy. To me it is a shame, a necessary shame, and you have the pose of someone bearing the same weight, so I'm giving this to you. A reminder of your perception. Maybe you can find the peace I never found."

I nodded and watched in kind of an awe as Kohachi smiled freely. He was most likely going to die soon, aiding a member of the Kaguya Clan to escape, and yet there wasn't an ounce of fear behind his eyes.

"You know, I don't often talk about things like this, but for someone who claims to be under the weight of shame, you come off as rather unbound to it. Free— if you will," I said, stumbling over my words.

Kohachi paused and pondered over my words before smiling.

"I was wrong about you Hina. You're old."

I snorted. He didn't call me girl. Maybe the old man did know. I felt an odd moment of kinship with him, and then the magic was, ruined when he waved me off grumpily. I turned to Rengoku and Komizawa and gestured for them to get ready. We were set to leave. The sooner the better.

* * *

We reached the border shrouded by tense silence. I could feel both Anko and Rui glance at me on the occasion with a look of distrust that was beginning to hurt. We didn't expect any sort of history from each other. What we did at home was oddly private to all of us. It was an unspoken rule within our team. It was apparently unusual for a team to behave this way, but I assumed it was because none of us had the best home lives and all of us seemed to escape to work no matter how much we complained about it. I was so used to their easy acceptance and unyielding trust that without it, I felt lost.

I tried to push those thoughts away. While on a risky part of a mission like this, I couldn't afford to be distracted, so I kept alert.

As we entered the gate a few Shinobi stopped us. It took everything for me not to reach for the kunai pouch hidden under my kimono.

"Check their caravans," the lead ordered before he turned to Rengoku. "Your merchants’ certification."

Rengoku fished out the card and the Shinobi inspected it. I held my breath as he glanced my way then back at Rui and Anko.

"Quite a lot of children, wouldn't you say," he asked.

"These are my nephew and nieces. They wanted to learn about trade, but it seems this village is rather scary to them. Can't sleep a wink here," he said looking a little mockingly at us.

"Children are a different breed here. I tend to forget how soft they are outside," the man said derisively.

The other Shinobi came from up back and gave the all clear. They let us go but I tuned my hearing in despite my initial relief.

"They hadn't sold a thing. Spent a day in and a day out."

"Keep an eye on them past the gates."

"Hai."

They were onto us. I scratched my neck nervously before narrowing my eyes and looking at my teammates. I made the hand sign for 'being followed' and then for 'splitting up me' 'you go ahead'.

Rui looked hesitant but he created a clone of me and nodded my way. Anko sent me a firm look as did Rengoku and I smiled back in reassurance before slinking away. I wanted to say more, but time was of the essence and despite their recent distrust of me, I needed to know they could do their jobs right.

For now I needed to focus on the mission. The underbrush provided a sort of middle ground safe haven at night times, shrouded in darkness and full of other creatures slinking away into its depths as well. I kept low and out of sight, only pausing to push down my chakra to a mute as the Shinobi tailing the caravan jumped by. For a moment all I could hear was my own heartbeat, as he paused and looked around. I shut my eyes for a moment, keeping my senses alert as he came my way, the cracking of the twigs under his feet suddenly sounding like thunder to my ears. It paused and I felt my heart skip a beat, and then after a moment that felt like an eternity, it receded. I opened my eyes to see an empty spot in front of me. I let out the breath I had been holding in before extending my senses once more and making my way deeper into the woods, surrounded by fog even at night. My snake like sight allowed me to see well at night and coupled with my other heightened scenes I was able to slither my way in without making much of a sound. It was only when I was a good kilometre away from the border that I allowed myself to jump onto the treetops to run.

_Wind Release: Wind walker Technique_

It was only once I had reached the Shrine once more that I briefly dropped my guard. Kusari signed to me from afar and I signed back. With a quick flick, I landed neatly and silently besides him in front of the Shrine entrance. Kota and Kimimaro was idly sleeping by inside by the entrance.

“Why isn’t she ready with the children?” I asked, my irritation growing.

“The children are ready and packed. She refuses to do so until she talks to you,” Kusari shrugged.

“Is the premise safe. You have detection seals set up correct?” I asked.

“Hai.”

“Good. Sound an alarm if anything goes wrong. I’ll go talk to the client,” I sighed.

Rui nodded and I put a hand on his shoulder in thanks. It was at times like this that I really appreciated his professionalism. He took this job seriously and so I could trust him entirely with doing the right thing. Anko and Rui could take a leaf of his book.

When I entered the shrine, I felt the unease spark up my spine. The concept of a deity in itself had never been such a chilling, uncomfortable thought before. The vague sense of fear I had for hell in my previous life, held nothing to the deep uncertainty I felt now when my thoughts wandered to these elusive concepts. I had to actively push back the unnecessary questions that popped up in my head. It was simply a distraction from the mission, and I needed to focus on that now. Yet, I found myself pausing in practiced reverence when I heard Satomi chanting in a controlled tone. Years of going to temples with my dad and mass with my mother had instilled a sort of damning reverence to these religious tasks. I couldn’t find it in myself to disrupt it, so I situated myself behind Satomi, close enough so that she knew I was there.

She was sitting in front of an altar, a banner hung ahead of her holding the kanji for connection written perfectly on the cloth. It looked oddly like a kanji one would use for Fuinjutsu, and so I pulled out a notepad and wrote it down with some chalk quickly before I looked at the cushion on the ground and resigned myself to sit down.

I sat down by the shrine, my knees firmly together, my hands gently palming the cotton kimono draping across my thighs. The candles flickered light across the room, illuminating the 6 paths, all embroidered into tapestry parallel on the red walls. My attention turned to Satomi's back. She lit an incense stick and bowed her head in front of the shrine before slowly rising. Her voice was soft and yet it carried quite powerfully through the small enclosed room.

“We need to go Satomi-san,” I said.

“What do you know about the Sage?” she asked instead.

“I know the story, maybe more than most,” I said, remembering the Canon events.

“Not the story, the teachings,” she reiterated.

“Not much, although you can preach as much as you want later when we’re out of here,” I said urgently.

She shook her head, and a sad expression crossed her face. Wasn’t she coming? She wasn’t, was she? I wanted to rip out my hair in frustration. Was now really the time to pull something like this?

“You would stay here and die?! What about your children?” I growled out in frustrated anger.

She sent me a look that softened considerably, but I could see another emotion behind her now wet eyes I didn’t understand.

“Hina-san, do you believe there are things in this world more important than your family, more important than who you love?” she asked.

I shook my head and frowned. “No, I really don’t. Nothing is more important.”

“That’s where you’re wrong. I can’t come with you, because my task is to warn the other Clan’s here while I can. If there is a genocide to come, and I did nothing to even mitigate this senseless violence, then it will be their blood on my hands.”

“Why are you telling me this?” I asked in frustration.

“Because I want you to understand. Despite everything, I do… trust you Hina-san. You look like someone who cares deeply, so deeply that you’ve repressed all feeling because to really feel it all would be too much.”

I felt almost like she had struck a painful chord in me; one I had been aiming to keep locked up for years. I could almost feel the blood on my hands again, and the image of my parents flashed before my eyes for a second. I felt the breath knock out of my lungs and I looked up at her with a growing scowl. It died down at her empathetic expression, too connected to my pain to let me be angry for long.

“Then convince me what you’re doing is worth it, or I will drag you out myself for Kota and Kimimaro,” I hissed.

She nodded and then took a moment to speak.

"The way of the Sage is one of balance. Of Yin and Yang. You wish to know true goodness. Then heed these words Suzuki Hina.

Goodness is like water.

It nurtures everything and harms nothing. Like water, it ever seeks the lowest place,

the place that all others avoid.

This is the way of the Sage.

For a dwelling it chooses the quiet meadow.

For the heart, a circling eddy.

In generosity it is kind.

In speech it is sincere.

In authority it is order.

In action it is gentle.

In movement it is rhythm.

Because it is always peaceable,

it soothes and refreshes.

It is therefore beyond reproach."

Her words were woven like a practiced poet. The first thing that came to mind despite the beauty of its delivery was: impossible. It was impossible to achieve something so idealistic. How did anyone think to be beyond reproach? It was simply in human nature to fail.

"You cannot be truly good," I said pointedly.

"You cannot," she agreed. "The way of the Sage is an ideal. It is a balance that is found within. The sage rejects all excess. Avarice, greed, pride: these are all things we possess and balance with the goodness within us. To be a sage is to reject excess of the soul. It is to bring the feminine and the masculine together. To look into the darkness and see the goodness. To reveal the shadow within the light. True goodness is sometimes unachievable for the soul, but the sage does not work in words but in action. If you follow these teachings, you will truly be rich.”

I put down the amulet Kohachi gave me and couldn't help but snort a little depreciatively. The sage of six paths sure was an idealist. What good did it do him? Warring sons who would pass down a legacy of death and battle? The world was a chaotic mess full of rage, death, war, and greed. It was excessive to a fault. What good would it do for me to change? What good would it do others to preach peace only to suffer and die by violence?

"Come on Satomi-san, I appreciate the words of wisdom, but we will need to leave. These teachings certainly aren't worth your life nor the life of your child."

"You came to me broken Hina-san. You and the men who come to kill me are the same; broken by this world. I will not move. I will be like the water," she said resolutely, her voice still as calm as ever.

"Please don't do this. Think of your children. It's not worth it,” I implored urgently.

"It has always been worth it."

Then she turned to me and smiled, her brilliant red eyes shimmering like a wet stone tempered and smoothed by years of a flowing river. She was unyielding in her beliefs and there was not even a hint of fear or regret in her eyes.

"Kota and Kimimaro won't think that when they find you dead," I hissed, hoping to garner some reason from her, but she didn't budge.

"There are things in this world that are unfortunate. Things that are sad and make the soul ache, but there are things worth giving up flesh and body for."

"These ideals? You would die for them?" I asked in disbelief.

"I have already done so. There is freedom in bondage. It is often the wild and untamed that find themselves shackled to an impossible dream. I have... I have found myself and made peace. Were you to die today, can you say the same for yourself Hina-san?"

I scowled and stood up. Why did her words sting? I pushed away my anger and sighed. I had given ear to her thoughts and I was obligated to do no more. If she wanted to die, then it was her right.

"Tell Kota and Kimimaro that I am sorry."

"Tell them yourself," I said waspishly.

She looked genuinely sad for a second before grim recognition took her eyes and her posture stiffened again. I felt angry—no— _conflicted_ , because for some reason I couldn’t find it in myself to blame her for leaving her children, even if it stood against everything I believed.

"I am sad to leave them so early in their life, but there are things you should not give up so easily for survival Hina-san. Do not give up your soul."

She looked like she had said her piece and I was done too. We needed to go soon. I'd wasted enough time humouring her. There was wisdom in her words, an idealistic wisdom that should everyone have followed suite would have ended all human suffering, and yet people would not follow. They were all fools, I was a fool too, a fool who would rather sell my soul than to fail in my avarice. The people who belonged to me... I could not let go of so easily.

* * *

“She isn’t coming then?” Kusari asked.

I shook my head, my brows still furrowed in angry confusion. I looked at her two sleeping children and wondered what they must think of their mother when they would come to understand what she had done. Would they respect her for her choice or hate her for leaving them? Maybe things were not so clear cut. Maybe it could be both. Either way, they had no one but each other from now on. They didn’t even truly really have us. They were our mission. I personally would see to it that they survived, but it wasn’t really the same.

“Should we wake them? I was hoping that their mother would keep them calm and silent on the journey,” I said with a frown.

“It’s best to knock them out for now. I feel they wouldn’t be able to escape even if they could move and I’d rather have them silent than potentially crying,” Kusari suggested logically.

I nodded in agreement. I summoned a paralytic snake and grabbed it by its neck. It hissed, mouth open angrily, which gave me the opportunity to grab its teeth and push down it’s venom glands into a container on my hip. Snake summons were more than a little useful, if only for the fact that most of them were Orochimaru’s experimental mindless creations and were disposable. Sure… it was animal cruelty, but I was personally beyond the days when I cried when killing a bunny. Once the snake had fulfilled its purpose, I dismissed it before I had to inevitably kill it should it go lose. Then I went about administering the venom to the sleeping children.

I looked at the shrine door and frowned. Wasn’t she at least going to see her children one last time? Maybe it was too much for her to handle. Well, it wasn’t like we could do anything. Forcing an adult to come along would be harder than forcing two toddlers and we had neither the time nor the resources to wait for her to change her mind or drag her away by force.

I gestured for Kusari to pick up one of the boys. I pulled up the little Kimimaro onto my shoulders and fastened the sleeping boy on my shoulders with some of the cloth I had taken. Once the boys were secured on our backs, we took to the treetops.

“Our caravan is under suspicion,” I finally spoke once we got off.

“It’s not surprising. Our early exit was unusual,” Kusari commented back.

We travelled in silence for the next five minutes until we reached the steep rocky hills of the mountains. A thick dark fog had encroached onto us, but it was hardly something that worried me. Sight wasn’t as important as a sense to me as my scent and hearing, even if I had night vision now. So the fog did nothing but cast an eerie glow to the moonlight above. It would have been hauntingly beautiful, and a sight to travel to in silent contemplation, had Kusari not been glancing at me on the occasion. I didn’t say anything, hoping he would speak if he needed to, and to my relief after a few minutes left marinating in uncomfortable silence, he finally broke.

“The seal Hina… can you really break it?” he asked, a rare nervousness entering his normally baritone voice.

“It’s in the works,” I said truthfully. “I was hoping to test it on another ROOT member before administering it to us.”

“Can you do it soon… before we reach the caravan?” he asked.

I raised a brow and paused my movement to turn and really look at Kusari. He looked so small in the darkness like this, not even 5 feet tall. I put a hand on his shoulder for comfort and he eased for a moment.

“Why are you asking me this now? Is there something important you need to say?”

“Yes—”

“—Wait!” I hissed urgently, as I pushed him into a rocky alcove.

Kusari instantly quieted down as my ears picked up the slightest crack, too large to be that of an animal, and too distinct to the sound of falling bark. Shinobi were on our trail. I signed to him ‘followed’ and then ‘plan C engagement’. It was one of many plans we had when dealing with enemy shinobi ambush. This one dealt with immediate and unexpected confrontation. You stuck to the shadows, prepared a plan of attack, gauged as best as you could how many shinobi it was that was coming, and then depending on extenuating circumstances made the call to flee or fight. So I appreciated that Kusari hunkered down into a stillness only managed by ROOT agents. It helped me focus on other sounds, and I did, catching first the scent of familiar blood, and an air of ozone that I had come to associate with Kiri shinobi. There were six Shinobi…

I cursed internally. That was the standard search and retrieval party size for Hunter-nin. Too many shinobi and a coordinated effort would be hard to keep cohesive, and too little and they might be overwhelmed or lose their targets. Konoha did this too with their traditional 3-4-man teams. It made for good strategy, but not good for us. There was no way both Kusari and I could outrun six Shinobi, most of whom would likely be Jounin level, whilst also protecting two knocked out toddlers. I scratched my neck in anxious thought, as the footsteps came closer.

I signed the information as best as I could to Kusari and I could feel him stiffen besides me. There was no other way. We couldn’t escape them. They would have trackers, and I could sniff them out, then they could certainly sniff us out. We couldn’t outrun them either. It would end in a confrontation, but a confrontation with two Chunin and six Jounin was not even a confrontation, it was a slaughter. Kusari knew it too judging from how he held my hands tightly in a comforting way. It helped ground my suddenly uneven breathing and I cleared my mind.

I wasn’t going to die here. I needed a plan, and I knew just what I had to do. When I let out a breath and opened my eyes next, it was with a nervously excited smile. I pulled out a kunai and cut the children on our backs free, laying them down gently in the nook of small cave we were in.

“Do you trust me?” I asked.

He didn’t even hesitate to nod. I felt a heavy weight in my chest at that. To have that trust was to risk breaking it. But I couldn’t exactly ruminate on the weight of my decisions, as the footsteps fell right outside the cave. I didn’t have more time, so I stepped out, and tried to bring my rapidly beating heart to a still. We still had a chance… I could do this.

Those thoughts were crushed when I walked out to see him.

“Needle,” I whispered.

“Hello love,” he greeted cheerily next to six masked men. “It’s a little unfortunate that we have to push forward our date like this, but an order is an order, right?”

“Fuck”

* * *

A/N Here's some facial expressions I drew for Hina! I'd say she's about 15 in these images, so not as baby faced as she is currently!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY for leaving you on that cliff-hanger XD All I can say to ease the waiting time for the next chapter is, is that you’re going to get a veeeerry action packed chapter next.  
> Also this was a very important chapter to me, hence why it gets a name when most other chapters don’t. I actually wrote this months ago, nearing the start of my writing process for Snap Back To Reality. The Sage’s Edicts took a while to articulate in a way that made sense. I wanted it to hold a sort of double meaning in its scripts, and also hold a form of age-old wisdom. To get that feel, I did a lot of research into Shintoism and other Japanese practises, but it didn’t fit it for me. I ended up choosing Taoism, which is an ancient Chinese religion/philosophy.   
> I read the entirety of the Tao Te Ching to understand the philosophy behind it to break it down into something easily consumable for this story. Most importantly, it felt exactly like the perfect ideological contrast to Hina’s views on what’s important and fit perfectly with the ideology of connectedness and peace that the Sage of Six Paths preached canonically. Ugh this is like my bread and butter when it comes to writing ToT I’m so happy I can finally post it up. There’s another religious sect later on in the story with an opposing philosophy, but I’ll leave that up to your speculation (hint- it is canon and related to the Akatsuki) 😉   
> Basically what I’m saying is that I’m not writing religion to make a comment on our real-life counterparts, but to make a point on how people in Naruto feel about the world. So please don’t be offended if I portray religion negatively/positively, because it’s character perspective, not my perspective. Also I personally don’t believe in most of what these characters believe in. My beliefs are always kept separate from my character’s beliefs, just so I can make the story without leaning too much in one way or another and let you guys chose what you think is right according to your own beliefs.


	47. Chapter 47

Snap Back To Reality 47

* * *

 _Fuck, fuck, fuuuuuck._ My thoughts were running mostly along those lines as I was confronted by a bloody _swordsman of the mist_ … not to mention the five other Jounin that outclassed both me and Kusari. Not even a giant distraction, like I had planned on would fix this situation. We were fucking dead.

“Can we postpone this date for at least another five years?” I asked with a nervous edge to my voice.

Needle tutted in disappointment. “I would love to, but what the boss wants, the boss gets. We’ll have to do the devils tango today.”

Even with my imminent death, I managed to stick out my tongue in disgust at that. Why did he have to go and make it sexual? Sure I knew he was joking, but still.

A little stalling wouldn’t hurt for a bit so I decided to continue speaking, my mind simultaneously going a mile an hour as I thought about the numerous options I could go with. I ended up discreetly signing to Kusari to run. There was no way we could win this. We’d have to leave the children, which was unfortunate, but I’d rather at least Kusari get out alive.

“That’s unfortunate because I’m in no way at my peak ability right now,” I said with a scowl. “How the hell am I meant to fight you _and_ five Jounin. This isn’t fair.”

I was impressed by my own ability to sound like a whiny brat even when I was faced with my impending doom. Thankfully, Needle looked too much like he agreed, and he let out a frustrated sigh, bordering on bratty himself as he pushed back his thick mane of spiky ashen blonde hair.

“You’re right this is no fun. I’ll take you head on, but that little boy there is not getting in the way of our date.”

He gestured to the Jounin besides himself, and my eyes widened in distress. They all jumped at once at Kusari.

“No!” I shouted in fear.

I went through my hand signs faster than the Yellow Flash himself and performed the wind blade in whirling succession, forcing all the Jounin backwards least they wanted severed limbs. It wasn’t enough though, and not a moment later I found a giant fireball shooting straight at us. Kusari jumped to the ground, already in preparation, using my interruption as the needed time to create a mud wall dome around us. I felt the intense heat almost instantly, hitting around us and breaking through the hastily created dome. I grabbed Kusari, pushing him against my chest and tucking his head underneath my neck to cover as much of him as I could. The heat and stone blasted into me not a moment later, throwing us both into the air, and burning my back painfully. I’d been put through enough fire genjutsu to become used to the feeling of burning flesh, but it felt more visceral and terrifying now than it ever had before.

I didn’t have a moment to breathe if I wanted to live, so I twisted myself mid-air, used to manoeuvring my body mid-flight, and landed with a gentle gust of wind to the ground. Normally I would have taken a moment to quip about how much of an awesome airbender I had become if I weren’t halfway in shock. I was too worried to even care that my nose was hit with the smell of my own burning flesh or that most of the wire mesh shirt I had on had grafted itself painfully into my skin from the heat alone. The pain was enough to make my knees tremble as I fell to the ground, Kusari screaming my name worriedly by my side.

“What are you doing! Don’t harm Hina-chan! She’s mine!” he shouted in rage as he threw his sword straight through the man’s arm who had thrown the fireball at us.

I watched in confusion as he ripped his own teammate’s arm off. Not that I was complaining, because that poor fucker was out of commission now, and that meant one less threat, but it didn’t change the fact that I was reminded of how much I relied on the good-will Needle bestowed upon me. I had a feeling I would already be dead if it weren’t for that.

“Kusari run now! I can handle them!” I shouted while the Jounin were distracted.

“No,” he said resolutely. “I will not let you die.”

If there was a power I wanted right now, it was the power of compulsion, so that for once my team would just listen to me. Unfortunately for me, arguing any longer would probably just have us end up dead a lot faster so I had to deal with Kusari being around.

“Fuck it, we’re no match for them, but there is someone who is,” I hissed.

I bit my thumb and pushed it into the ground willing the blood and chakra to form the biggest summoning seal I could. The ground rumbled as a large mass of dark black and red scales shot from the earth. I felt my chakra drain considerably, and considering how average my reserves were, it wasn’t a good thing. Without really thinking I downed a soldier pill and seized for a moment as it kicked in, almost overwhelming the feeling of intense pain on my back with the surge of adrenaline it provided.

The Jounin who had been ready to attack before jumped away at the sight of my giant 12-foot-long serpent. I had never been so happy to see Ryunosuke before in my life.

“Ryu! No time to explain! Take Kusari and the children. There are 4 Jounin on our trail!”

“What about you?” Ryunosuke asked in genuine worry.

Why couldn’t Amaru be this nice? I shook my head at him. There was no time to explain. For once I wanted people to just listen to me and get things done. With Ryunosuke here, I felt more than marginally better. He was a greater summon, as I had termed him in my head. His poison was deadly, and not to mention acidic—which was insanely cool on so many levels, but most of all he had a good temperament and a level headedness that I wished Amaru possessed too. He would keep them safe, and that’s what mattered.

“Don’t worry about me Ryu. I’ll be… safe,” I said unsurely.

“I _won’t_ leave you,” Kusari hissed again.

“You will!” I shouted back in anger. “It’s an order.”

“I don’t care!”

Normally I would be surprised that Kusari of all people had just rejected an order, but I didn’t have the time because Needle was done reprimanding the now dead teammate, and he was walking towards me, grin stretching his face madly, and legendary sword pointed at my chest.

“It’s not nice to ignore your date for the night Hina-chan,” he chided.

“How about we just keep this between you and me. We don’t want any third-wheelers,” I said glancing briefly at Kusari.

Needle tutted in disappointment.

“Then I’ll just have to lure you away for myself,” he said happily.

I jumped out of the way of his thrown sword, ducking, and rolling back into position behind a tree. I was going to take a moment to grasp my surroundings when I felt the air current behind me shift considerably and I found myself ducking on instinct as Nuibari cut straight through the tree bark and was yanked back by its thread. I turned around to see two Kushimaru’s.

“Shadow Clone,” I cursed.

“Neat trick right. I was blessed with the chakra pools to pull it off,” he said a little too proudly.

I wondered what Naruto would think of that, granted, even making one was impressive in battle considering it meant you had chakra to spare for other techniques. I whistled in appreciation, if only to stall for time. Who knew banter was what was going to potentially save my life in the end? To think I had once scoffed at the idea of people talking about their lives in the middle of a fight.

He threw the blade again, and I found myself unable to focus on the receding sounds of battle that Kusari or Ryu were now in, not when I had to pay the entirety of my attention to the legendary blade that seemed to come out of nowhere. I was so caught up in the motions to stay alive that it was too late before I realised what he was doing. He had effectively taken me away from the other fights, luring me skilfully away with carefully targeted throws. He wasn’t even trying to hit me. I had a feeling that if he was, I would be dead by now.

“That’s some impressive reflexes you have there,” he said approvingly.

“Not impressive enough to have stopped you if you tried,” I said frowning.

“Eager to die, are we?” he asked.

“No, just curious as to why you’re toying with me if you’ve been tasked to kill me.”

He held a hand to his chest in a look of hurt, which I would have considered mock-pain, if it weren’t for the fact that he genuinely looked stricken by my words.

“I really did want to wait to fight you when you could have put up a challenge. I see so much potential in that tiny little body of yours.”

I searched his expression and caught the falter in his voice. For someone who was meant to be the cream of the crop of Shinobi, he was oddly open and honest with his intentions. There were no lies in his words, no deeper hidden truths to be had, but it felt like he wasn’t giving me the whole picture, and I _needed_ to know, because I had a feeling it was the whole reason we were even alive right now.

“That isn’t all it is, is it?” I asked.

To my surprise he stopped, swinging his sword back down to his side and wrapping the razor-sharp string at the end around his arm like he wasn’t afraid it would cut him. Then he laughed, and easy, almost friendly laugh, like he wasn’t trying to maim and kill me a moment ago.

“Nothing gets past you. Am I that easy to read?” he hummed in thought.

“Yes you are,” I replied dryly.

“Well if you must know, I’m not too fond of killing little kids. Seems kinda pointless. A thrilling fight to the death with a fully realised, _worthy_ opponent—yes—but defenceless, useless little children… what do they think I am, chopped liver?! I’m a swordsman of the Mist! If they wanted to kill children, they should have sent Genin!”

He did sound entirely too annoyed about his situation. Then he sighed, and for a brief moment he looked terribly sad.

“Not to mention they’re Shifu’s nephews.”

“Satomi-san’s brother?” I asked frowning.

* * *

_"I killed my brother. Oh, he was a tough one. Almost as tough as me, but not tough enough. He ended up just like one of these poor fuckers," he said looking back up at a crucified Kaguya Clan member._

_“I know quite a lot about him. He was my brother’s close friend. He lives to kill and destroy. He finds pleasure in maiming and torturing people he considers weak, but he enjoys a battle to the death with those who he deems worthy.”_

* * *

Satomi’s brother was the supposed same brother Needle had killed. It was beginning to make sense now, although I had no idea what it was all supposed to mean. He looked sad about killing him, which went against the face of almost everything he preached.

“Shifu was set to be crucified with the other members. He wasn’t like his weak sister who hid herself away from the fighting. He was strong and yet he was of the lower caste, which makes no sense. Strength should speak for itself, but they were going to crucify him. Not even give him the honour of a battle to the death like he should have been afforded as a Shinobi,” Needle hissed in growing rage.

“So you fought him yourself, and killed him,” I concluded. “What does this have to do why we’re alive right now?”

Needle scowled. “I don’t _want_ to kill his nephews. They have his blood, they have _potential_. Killing them now while they are weak is shameful and a waste, same as it is for you.”

“Then don’t,” I implored.

He laughed at that. “An order is an order. I can’t leave you alive unfortunately.”

Despite his words he genuinely looked conflicted. I wanted to believe that there was hope for him to lay down his sword and let us leave, but his eyes narrowed, and he looked resolute. Our little chat had the opposite effect of what I had hoped for, which was _not_ good. I didn’t even have to think as I took in a deep breath and activated my Total Concentration Breathing. I felt my chakra spike and my blood pump at twice the rate it normally did. The world slowed for a second, but the blade now coming at me was still too fast to react to. I jumped out of the way, pulling out my own chakra string as I did so, but Nuibari shot deeply into my arm, ripping off a chunk of flesh.

“I’m sorry Hina-chan! It seems our little date ends here!”

I was running out of options fast. My trump card was already pulled out and that was Ryunosuke. For the first time in my life I wished I had spent more time on more combative related Fuinjutsu, because it would have come extremely in handy right now. Instead of dwelling on my sudden regret, I jumped out of the way again. There was not enough time in the world to truly do anything against such an overwhelmingly strong opponent. The blade seemed to come from all angles at such an increasingly evolving speed that the deep cuts I managed to get away with, ended with a painful shot through my arm. The blade pierced through bone and I felt the chakra string at the end push through my arm, irrevocably tying me to both the blade and Kushimaru. Before I could even blink the blade was thrown through my other arm too. This time I made a desperate move and let out a pained shout as I grabbed the blade with my bare hands. The edge was so sharp it cut off two of my fingers straight up, and I screamed in agony as the blinding pain continued up my arm in a shudder.

For a moment I was given the respite to not move, and when I looked down I noticed both my arms were sewn together and the only reason I managed to catch the blade was because I jammed it straight into the bone in my other forearm. I wanted to scream in agony, but instead I let out a pained laugh as I twisted my body around in an angle that would allow me to ground the chakra string Needle used to direct his sword.

“Wow! That was brilliant!” Needle cheered.

“Aggh fuck,” I hissed in pain before I took in a deep breath. “Also thanks, big praise coming from you.”

I wasn’t sure if I was being sarcastic or not, but it briefly occurred to me that at least this time I wouldn’t be dying choking on a vegetable. I didn’t want things to end like this though. Danzo was still alive, and he _needed_ to die. I needed to kill him. It had to be me. I could die choking on vegetables or even shit for all I cared after I finished him off. I didn’t want to die now. Not before my work was done. Not before he got what he deserved.

“You have insane reflexes for a kid! Oh man, I reaaaly wish we could have done this in five years,” he said apologetically.

“Who says we won’t?” I replied, coughing up some blood, but managing to grin through the pain.

“Damnit stop making me like you more Hina-chan. Really makes me wish we could have been friends for longer,” he said pouting as he walked closer.

_Tap, tap_

I could hear Kusari approach. I craned my neck back and gritted my teeth in preparation for what I was about to do. Fuck this was going to hurt.

It happened in the span of two seconds. I ripped out the blade stuck in my arm, barely catching a glimpse of my severed arm flung aside, as I performed an aerial manoeuvre. I pulled Nuibaris string along with my free arm and looped it around the chakra string I had been intertwining with Kushimaru’s. I landed harshly on the ground in a heap with my job done, and Nuibaris hilt in my mouth as my good arm hung limply against my side.

Needle looked surprised for a second as he realised the string trap, he had set around the forest was now being used against him. One pull from me and it would converge in on him and grind him to pieces.

I relished in his expression. As much as I didn’t want to die right now, Kushimaru was someone I was beginning to admire in some odd manner. He was the enemy and yet, I couldn’t find it in myself to dislike him. He was just like me, following orders even if he didn’t like them, even if he knew it was wrong. I wondered if this was what Satomi meant when she told me morality does not halt for the job. There was no excuse for what we did, and now that I was on the receiving end I understood. It was always the weak that were hurt by people ‘just following orders’.

“I’m verrrry impressed. Kami I think I just fell in love with you. Did you just cut of your own arm to catch me in my _own_ trap?”

I took the moment he was allowing me to have to tie my long hair around my severed arm tightly so it would stop the blood flow. I tried to ignore the fact that Needle was almost swooning right now.

“Though I wonder what makes you think you can keep me in here for long.”

I smirked. “I don’t need long.”

His eyes widened as Kusari came in from the right, bolting in incredibly quickly as he drove his tanto forward. In an impressive display of both agility and dexterity, Kushimaru twisted his body away in the limited space afforded to him by the chakra strings surrounding him. The tanto tore through his shoulder, but he grinned, grabbing the blade, and pushing it into himself. Kusari cursed as he let go and jumped back before he would get too close to the chakra strings and end up minced meat. I shot forward in that moment hoping to angle the strings around him and increase the tension so it would push in and slice him to bits, but before I could do that he ripped the tanto in his shoulders out to redirect the unbreakable chakra strings upwards. I cursed as my weak grip on Nuibari slipped with Needle’s forceful push. The blade ripped from my arms.

I didn’t have time to witness Needle expertly untangle himself from the wire death trap he was in before Kusari grabbed my still intact arm putting it around his shoulder before shooting away into the trees with me. I let out a pained gurgle as I suddenly felt the drain of total concentration breathing leave me, and the chakra slip from my system to stop the blood loss. My vision became too blurry.

“We need to cauterize the wound—no it will knock you out then,” Kusari mumbled in growing panic.

“Let me down,” I managed to rasp out.

“No, he’ll catch us,” Kusari hissed.

“He’s infinitely more faster and stronger than us. The only reason we even managed to land that blow was because he was both underestimating us, and his heart’s not in this fight. You need to put me down and give me a soldier pill.”

“You’ve already taken one.”

“Kusari,” I said in a warning tone.

He finally acquiesced and jumped down and placed me gently on the ground. I tried to ignore how my back burned almost as blindingly at my severed arm did. I was surprised I was even awake right now. I opened my mouth pointedly and he popped me another pill. I bit it, hoping to make the effect faster before I swallowed. Once the chakra kicked in, I tried to concentrate on what Orochimaru had taught me. It would have been nice to be able to do it slowly to make sure I didn’t botch the process, but I didn’t have the time, so with great intensity, I put all my chakra into my arm. I felt the limb grow painfully out, starting from the bone, then the muscles and the skin, but recreating the tenketsu was the hardest part.

“Your arm,” Kusari said in awe.

“Fun little magic trick, huh. I was injected with the regrowing genes of a white snake” I said through a forced chuckle that came out breathier and gave away my pain.

I took a moment to let the pain sink in before I finally turned to see Kusari slump against the rock besides me. I took a moment to finally look at him, and he didn’t look good. His whole left leg was scorched, there was a suspiciously large pool of blood coming out of his chest, but worst of all was the yellow discolouration of a needle jab on his neck. I pushed through my pain, not even taking a moment to admire my new arm before I put a finger on the needle wound and brought it to my nose to smell.

_No_

“It’s—”

“It was administered 5 minutes ago,” Kusari breathed, a tremor in his voice.

“How are you—”

 _Still alive?_ He should be dead by now, and the worst part, was I could see the effects of this specific strain of poison. It was rare and extremely expensive, if not deadly. We weren’t conditioned to it. It was something only the Hunter Nin of Kiri had, and it was a closely guarded secret too, but I knew the smell.

“Fuck,” I whispered, my throat constricting painfully and a heavy daunting weight falling down my chest.

Kusari wrapped his fingers around my hand and when I looked down, I could feel how swollen they were becoming. I shut my eyes tightly and cursed.

“W-we can bleed you out. It might be dangerous, but we can get it out of the s-system a-and—”

“—We can’t,” Kusari sighed, then he fell into a fit of terrible coughing.

I looked down to see discoloured blood and vomit file down his chin and I felt the world drown out around me as the smell of death hit my nose.

No

No

_NO_

“No, p-please kami no,” I cried.

“Hina, look at me,” Kusari said, tapping my cheeks.

I forced myself to look into his deep blue eyes. Then he stuck out his tongue and pointed at it. I shook my head but he nodded.

“It could kill you,” I whispered.

“I’m already dead.”

“No, no you aren’t. D-don’t say that,” I cried.

“I am and you know it too. I… I want to be free before it all,” he said softly, his voice coming out raspier by the second. “Do it now or I will dump you.”

I looked at him in disbelief. Was he cracking a joke? I wanted to cry despite how funny it should have been, and the tears blurred my eyes.

“F-fuck I shouldn’t have given you those romance novels,” I murmured, trying to ignore everything pointing to the inevitable.

“Please Hina… please,” he begged, pulling my face to his.

I sucked in a deep breath and nodded, ignoring the sting of acceptance that came with agreeing to his request. Then with shaky hands I dipped my fingers in my own blood and pulled out his tongue. I brushed the symbols with coagulated blood, forcing what chakra I had left in my hands to steady it. Then when the work was done, I nodded to him.

“Unseal it,” he said.

I did, and for a brief moment he doubled over in agonising pain before he coughed up more blood. I felt the world blur around the edges, my throat felt like someone had stuffed rocks into it until I couldn’t breathe, and all I could do was gasp for air.

“K-Kusari,” I cried holding his shoulders.

He looked up and smiled, his teeth a bloody colour, but looking happier than he ever had in his life. Then he fell down limp. I caught him, holding his head against my chest. No, this wasn’t happening again. It couldn’t happen again.

“It worked,” he whispered.

“N-now we can bleed you out. I-It’ll be f-fine. I-I-I just need the kunai—”

“—Please stop speaking. You’re always so loud,” he said dryly.

“Fucking hell Kusari. You decide to get a sense of humour now,” I cried out in hysterics.

“I have something I need to tell you. I needed to remove the s-seal for it,” he rasped out, and I nodded hoping he would understand. “Rengoku is a plant. Danzo was planning to expose Orochimaru. You were meant to die or be caught supplying kekkai genkai children to a lab.”

The news was undercut by another painful coughing fit. I let out a cry as I held him closer to me. There was nothing in the world I could do right now to make this better. There was nothing I could do.

_Nothing._

I was panicking, and the world had drowned out too loud and too quiet all at once. It felt almost like every sound, scent and sight was amplified to a million, until warm fingers touched my face. It died almost instantly, and I looked down into blurred eyes. H-he probably couldn’t see anymore.

“You said I shouldn’t die until I found my purpose,” he rasped out, every word sounding like it took the wind out of him.

I couldn’t reply to that. I had no words and so I held his hands and cried silently.

“It was—"

He struggled to lift up his hands to my face. Shaky fingers fell slowly onto my chest as he smiled one last time.

_Me? I was his purpose_

As if he had used up all his energy, his body went limp. His fingers dipped down but I held them against my cheek stubbornly as I dipped my head into his chest. The beating of his heart had stopped, and the silence spoke louder than words. I felt my tears stop as something raging and ugly cried out inside of me. I let out a cry, the same horrible cry I had heard all those years ago at the funeral. It was from my lips and yet it felt nothing like it. I felt detached from the grief. What a terrible sound. What a horrible feeling this was. Was it grief, anger, shame?

“Kami Hina-chan.”

I looked up too see Kushimaru jump down from the tree. There was a hole in my chest, and it wasn’t from a wound.

“You got your arm back somehow huh? That’s actually pretty awesome—and it looks like I’m interrupting something…” he trailed off awkwardly as he finally looked at Kusari.

I put my partner down and stood up slowly, my body shaking from the exertion alone. I felt simultaneously too heavy and too light all at once. It was like I was in my body experiencing all the pain and all the anger, and out of it watching apathetically from a distance. Like I could see the expression of absolute rage building in my slitted eyes.

“Oh I know that look. Who was it that sent you?” Kushimaru asked.

“Danzo,” I whispered, clenching my fists my teeth showing in a wide snarl, pushing my jaw together gratingly as I looked past the swordsman in absolute blinding, unfathomable rage. My body shivered just from the mention of his name, as if it was poison in my bloodstream.

“He set you up didn’t he. Thought it was odd that they sent a bunch of little Genin kids here,” Kushimaru said.

“I’m going to **kill** him,” I whispered.

Blood trickled down my palms to my fingers where I had clenched too hard. This visceral feeling of frenzy—it was too much. I couldn’t think past it. It felt like Danzo was all around me everywhere and my fingers couldn’t reach the soft flesh of his throat.

_Breathe_

I took in a deep breath and did it again and again in the silence until my mind calmed down. Then I turned to Kushimaru.

“You’re going to let me go. I have someone to kill before I can fight you again,” I said, my voice coming out like cold steel.

It didn’t shock me that Kushimaru held up his hands in surrender. The sound of Ryunosuke behind him was enough to let me know that he had changed his mind. For whatever reason he was going to call of his attack on me and I could still smell Kimimaru and Kota from this distance. They were alive and Needle had spared them.

“The other hunter nin?” I asked coldly.

“Dead. For a Chunin, your partner sure was ruthless,” Kushimaru said with a hint of respect. “Now that they’re all dead, I can blame them for losing you.”

“You saw Kota and Kimimaru and you couldn’t do it could you,” I said looking at him.

He sighed, as if caught in the act. “Yeah, I’m no tree hugger love, but there are just some things that don’t sit right with anyone.”

“Ryunosuke,” I greeted my summon.

He rushed in, body all coiled and whirling with power. His bright red eyes shone from behind black scales with hunger behind his eyes, an emotion I had begun to pick up and understand from the snakes all around me. It was the same look I had. The children were on his back, limp and asleep. I put a shaky arm on his scales and set Kusari on his back too, before sitting on him myself. I turned to Needle once we were all on.

“Go, I’ll give you three days before they’ll be on your tail again. We’re going to have to postpone our date until then,” he said.

I held Kusari against myself and looked straight at Needle tiredly, feeling the burning hate I had felt simmer into the back of my mind once more, repressed, and ever present but not at the forefront of my thoughts. He had lost someone too, maybe not in the same way, but by the same people. In the end the Villages just didn’t care about their own people. It was a matter of numbers for them, a matter of control. Dammed be the lives of ordinary folk trying to get by. Power was all that spoke, so power it was with we would retaliate.

“I don’t care if you go rogue Needle, but you better stay alive,” I said sharply.

“Same goes for you. Until our next date, friend!” he saluted before jumping off and away.

I lay back against Ryunosuke and let out a shuddering breath.

“Hina-san, are you ok?” Ryunosuke asked, as he slithered away.

“I won’t be awake for much long,” I admitted through gritted teeth. “Too low on chakra—”

Before I could say anymore the world blurred around me and I felt my body go limp against Kusari’s out of sheer tiredness. I managed to hold him for a bit longer, laying my head against his chest and closing my eyes to the deafening sound of silence.

Because there was no heartbeat.

Because he was dead.

Because I had failed.

* * *

A/N- Here was the comic version that prompted the scene I wrote here. It's slightly different, but it hits all the same feels ToT

OMG THE ANGST. Sorry for putting you guys through that ToT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feeeeecccckkkk. ಡ_ಡ I killed Kusari… I did it. I wasn’t too sure if it was cheesy or hit just right. Killing characters is so stressful cause you can mess it up in so many ways. 
> 
> Yet again here’s another reason why I regret going first person sometimes because it doesn’t show the moment Needle had when he went to kill the children and changed his mind or the fight Kusari was having off to the side. I had no real way of writing that in unless I broke format… and I have OCD with formatting so I couldn’t physically do that to myself without getting an aneurism. 
> 
> I really hope that it didn’t come of as contrived that she survived. I mean Needle is way beyond Hina’s limit to fight. He was going easy on her there, and when he got mildly serious, he was still underestimating her ability to strategize. Plus his hearts really not into killing her. He wants to do it when she’s peaked.


	48. Chapter 48

Snap Back To Reality 48

* * *

There was a blinding pain and a flurry of movements that jerked me around. I felt too heavy to move but it felt like I was being urged to. Every jerk and push felt intensely hot and shot a shivering pain through me.

“Hi—”

“Hi—na”

Slowly it felt like the sounds were piecing together into coherent syllables, and I could start making out the hazy scent of blood, steel, and the charred aftertaste that fire jutsu inevitably came with when in contact with skin. I forced my eyes open, slower than it had ever opened before. My retinas burnt, like I felt my face burning. The searing uncomfortable heat reminding me of the clammy sweat, sticking hair and cloth tightly to me. I smelt like sickness.

“Hina, oh thank kami, she’s awake. Did you lose them Rui?”

I blinked up to see the outline of familiar purple hair. Wet drops fell on my face and I realised it was tears. Was Anko crying over me? The thought felt too confusing to comprehend, not in this feverish state I was in. It felt like I was submerged into water, like I couldn’t fully hear, breathe, or think. It was maddeningly frightening.

“A-Anko,” I whispered.

“I lost them. Ryunosuke faked the trails North-West. We can go now,” Rui replied.

What was going on? The lack of information was confusing and worrying. I needed to know. Information kept you alive, and so I ignored how irrevocably tired and damaged I felt as I struggled upwards. The hand suddenly on my back made me hiss out in pain. I realised how damp it was but ignored it in favour of taking in my surroundings. Even in the darkness my night vision allowed me to see the interior of the caravan and smell the scent of the fabric we were meant to trade.

“You need to lay down. You can’t move,” Anko said hastily.

“W-what’s going on?” I asked instead.

Then it came to me. Oh kami did it come back to me.

“K-Kusari,” I whispered before looking into Anko’s pale taupe eyes and getting all the confirmation I needed.

Why had I hoped for a second that it was all some sick twisted dream? He really was dead, wasn’t he? I felt my mind succumb to that familiar feeling of grief, but I had become accustomed to pushing it aside. All one had to do was occupy the mind with anything else. A problem would be ideal. It was hard to do when it felt like someone had stuffed cotton up your nose and into your brain, but the difficulty to think just made it easier to forget about Kusari.

“How long was I out?” I asked.

“Four days,” Anko replied as she gently laid my back on the wall.

I noted the yellow liquid mixed with blood on her hand as she let go. I could smell it. The start of an infection. When I took a moment to look down at myself, I realised I was covered more in bandages than I was in clothes. The white fabric had stained an angry red all over that the white was hardly seen.

“Status on enemy shinobi?” I asked again, hoping to pull my mind of my own body.

“Kami Hina, shut the fuck up for a second and take some rest. I thought you weren’t going to—” Anko hissed in anger before her voice cracked at the end and she stopped herself.

“Just take some rest. Rui and I are taking care of it.”

“I need to tell you— s-some—"

I felt my head whirl painfully and the heat burn up my body so hot that I felt faint. No amount of trying allowed me to pull my limbs up or force my mouth open. I needed to stay awake, but it hurt so much, and the darkness sounded so good.

“Hina, no, no, no. Stay awake dammit!” Anko shouted, worry etching her voice.

“I’ll get the water and sal—”

Their words drowned out again as I felt the water submerge me entirely.

* * *

I gasped for air, clawing out of the water. I was hit by a wave so tall it had me slamming into the dark waters that were incredibly deep. I pushed myself up on instinct, tearing through the thicket of liquid until my palms hit air and I forced chakra into them to pull me up and above. The moment my mouth hit air I gasped, pulling in as much air as I could take, as I scrambled up to my feet.

The sky above me was stormy and grey, the waters dark and unending, but when I turned around, I saw land. There was another wave behind me. I needed to run and so I did. I ran fast and hard, the control in my chakra slipping on the occasion, causing me to slip for a terrifying second back into the murky depths below me. I ran and ran, but no one was faster than nature itself, and in my panic my body curled in on itself, arms bracing above my head in a foetal position, waiting for the inevitable.

It never came.

I looked up and there were no waves. The water around me was still. Calmer than an undisturbed pond on a clear, windless day, but the world around me was still stormy. I looked around in growing confusion and spotted a figure in the distance. Long black wavy hair flowed in the wind where she stood above it all. I walked over cautiously.

“Hello?!”

“Hina”

Her voice startled me. Pushed some memory ingrained inside of me to the surface. That was a voice I could never forget. The sweet, calm, ever patient sound of a mother. When she turned around, I blinked in confusion. Who was she? Her eyes were like a green forest, but her skin was the honey brown from a previous life.

“Mom… kaasan?” I asked.

She pulled out a scroll and began reading. Her voice took on a familiar practised tone. A lyrical pitch admits a practised tenor.

"A wheel may have 30 spokes,

but its usefulness lies within its empty hub.

A jar is formed from clay,

but its usefulness lies from within its empty center.

A room is made from four walls,

but its usefulness lies from the space in between.

In the same way matter is necessary to give form,

but the value of reality lies within its immateriality.

That is, everything that lives has a physical body,

but the value of life is measured by the soul."

I laughed slightly, a bitter tired laugh. Since when did mom begin quoting the teachings of the Sage of Six Paths? Since when had I ever remembered these scripts I heard on the occasion? I wanted to hug her so bad, ignore everything coming out of her lips. I didn’t even know who she was. An amalgamation of a past and present mother? Maybe she was neither. Just some manifestation of a desire I desperately buried deep within me. Maybe I was really dead, and she was sentencing me to hell. I deserved it… didn’t I? I couldn’t even breathe.

"You once said, I buried my soul so far down that I forgot to breathe."

Mom turned to me and she walked forward. I seized on the spot anticipating her. I could smell her. The smell of spice, freshly baked bread, and incense. She smelled like them both. She smelled like love. She put a hand on my chest, and I shut my eyes hoping this wasn’t a dream. Her fingers pushed in and brought out a tiny green ball of light. I was mesmerized by the energy, the way it danced and spun around her fingers like a flame that didn't burn.

"Is that my soul?"

"Do you want it to be?" she asked amused.

I couldn't help the smile that caught my lips too.

"Green is a befitting colour wouldn't you think?"

"It is, but unfortunately I can't find your soul Hina. My beautiful daughter, you've lost your way. Kakashi would be proud," she said smiling sadly, her humour dying stiff.

"I truly have lost myself on the road of life, haven't I?" I chuckled in a mocking baritone, before my laugh died into a terribly cry. My body doubled in on itself and I pressed my head against her chest and cried. "I failed so terribly mom. I failed so terribly."

"Oh my poor baby girl. It was inevitable. Your failure was only a day away. The world is big and cruel, and you are small and weak. No matter how much you struggled against the current, your arms would eventually grow tired and limp like your will. That is the inevitable fate of those who walk the path of war."

"I'm so tired."

"All you can do is push, and push. Wade through the storm thrown against you. There's no other choice my poor girl. The bay behind you is perilous, look at the sharp stone. If you succumb to the storm, if even for a moment you stop, you will be thrown against those rocks and drowned in it's undercurrent."

"Why? Is there no other way?!" I asked desperately, hands fisting her shirt.

As if to evade my demanding eyes, her body turned formless like water and she spilt down, joining the raging water below me. I stood in the middle of a wild current, a blood red sea. In front of me was a thicket of storm clouds, rumbling together in crackling thunder as it approached, and behind me was a perilous bay with sharp pointed rocks jutting out foreboding death. The water beat against it, towering high before falling low and repeating in a constant tug of violent push and pull. I looked back ahead to the storm so quickly approaching and I felt so small and insignificant under its indomitable force.

Mom's voice caught my ear in a whisper. "Love begets violence. A desire for peace begets war. In war there are no winners only mourners and coffins, for those who live by the sword, die by the sword."

It came as it did, carried in the wind, a whisper, a fleeting breath.

Then the storm engulfed me in a freezing torrent, each bullet of cold-water biting at my skin, the wind toppling my precarious balance into the unforgiving darkness of the ocean. In the face of such natural forces, no amount of training, no amount of power meant anything. I tried desperately to pull myself away from the bay, grasping and clawing at the surface of the violent, unforgiving water. My struggles were meaningless. I was inevitably thrown into its final depths.

* * *

I gasped awake, the brightness catching me off-guard as I looked around in wild desperation to breathe. I clawed at my throat, and felt someone call out to me, hold me close and repeat words I didn’t understand.

“Br—”

“Breathe Hina!”

I snapped back to reality. The water disappeared almost instantly, leaving me disoriented and shaking. I noticed my hands gripping tightly against skin and looked up to see Anko wide eyed, my fingers wrapped around her neck. I let go and let out a sob as I noticed the red marks.

“It’s alright Hina. I’m here. I’m here.”

I felt my arms wrap around her in desperation. Praying to kami she was real. If she slipped through my fingers like water too, I wouldn’t survive. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t handle one more loss.

“You’re still running a bad fever,” she said softly, too softly for it to be Anko.

“A-Anko,” I whispered, laying my head back down on the bed beneath me and holding her shirt. “Rui is he—”

“He’s safe. We’re all safe… mostly. I’m only saying this cause I know you’ll worry if I don’t, but we’ve managed to lose the Hunter nin. We’ve been travelling as quick as we could for 5 days straight. We should be nearing a minor outpost soon. They’ll get word and we’ll finish our mission ok… just sit still and don’t exert yourself.”

I nodded in relief. My body slumped still, and I felt the odd patchiness on my back that I still wanted a report on. It didn’t smell so much like festering sickness anymore, although the smell did still linger dangerously there.

“My burn?” I asked.

“It was bad,” Anko replied looking away. “W-we had to cut off your skin there… the wire mesh had melted into it. Can you… regrow it?”

I shook my head and sighed. “Too much chakra. It would kill me now if I tried,” I replied.

It wasn’t really an issue. Orochimaru could fix up my body easily. Heck he could create me a whole new one if I asked for it, but I wasn’t back in Konoha and I needed it to be fixed now. Who knew what would find us on our way back. Two Genin, and a retired old man was not going to cut it safety wise.

“It’s ok. Rui managed to stop the infection. He knows how to make Hyuuga Clan patented salves for some reason,” she said, lightening her tone at the end.

“He always did look like a Hyuuga. All socially inept and serious,” I replied with a snort.

Then almost instantly my mood died down. I was reminded of Kusari. Socially inept and serious… another person who was in a body bag because I wasn’t strong enough. I shut my eyes tightly and fought back the debilitating sadness.

“Kusari’s… _body_ ,” I said, hoping I wouldn’t need to elaborate further or risk the weakness entering my voice.

“We have it sealed… we will give him a proper burial at Konoha,” Anko said putting a hand on my shoulder.

I couldn’t look at her, so I just kept my eyes closed and nodded. I didn’t think I could speak further. Thankfully, she seemed to notice my mood and decided to leave me in peace… for once.

“I’m leaving some food here. You need to eat something and take some rest. Trust me. Rui and I are keeping lookout.”

I just nodded again. Then when she left the caravan, I finally let out a sob and allowed myself to grieve.

* * *

It was another three days before I could really get back on my feet, and even then, my chakra was taking its sweet time to replenish. It was my fault. I had average chakra pools and I had burnt through two soldier pills, pills that weren’t recommended to be taken multiple times by adults, let alone children. My tenketsu was burnt out and nearly fried, not to mention my body had lost all the fat I had put on it to look normal, and now I was back to looking like I had before. Scarred, lanky, and in green again. The only thing I was happy about was having to throw out my contacts.

No one questioned me about Danzo, about the mission, or even Kusari. No one joked around during mealtimes or laughed at some stupid inane joke. Heck, Anko hadn’t bothered to annoy me… which was oddly worrying. The mood was sombre and silent. Kusari’s silent presence was missing and it felt wrong after months of quiet companionship in travel. It wasn’t until I could sit myself down in camp with the other that Rui finally broke and questioned me.

“The mission,” he started with a frown. “Who rigged the mission and why?”

Everyone looked at me, even Rengoku and Komizawa. The week and a half of constant travelling with minimal breaks and sleep had everyone tired and a little moody. The exhaustion had seeped into my bones too, the receding fever and infection I had fought off leaving me beyond fatigued.

“I can’t physically tell you right now,” I said, idly drawing a seal on the ground for a clue.

“Someone sealed you?” Anko asked.

I didn’t nod, but my silence was an answer in and of itself. I glanced briefly at Rengoku’s way, but I quickly looked back to my ration pack. There weren’t many paths going forward. I would have to do the unthinkable soon.

“I’ll be able to tell you in a day or two,” I said crossing out the seal I drew in the dirt with my stick.

Rengoku hadn’t said it himself. He could come clean now. Tell all of us he was an agent for Danzo, save me from having to do the explaining, but he didn’t, which told me more than I needed to know. His silence was an answer. I had hoped beyond hope that he was maybe a double agent for Shikaku, but I couldn’t take that chance now, not for _anyone_ in Konoha.

“What I can tell you is that we can’t take the children back through the right channels. It will be rigged. I will have to get them to a separate contact,” I said, glancing around the group, but keeping an extra eye on Rengoku to read his response.

He didn’t give any tell-tale sign of someone traitorous, but I wanted desperately to know for sure. It wouldn’t change what I’d have to do anymore, but there was peace in knowing. Giving this information to a potential spy would ease them into the knowledge that I was unaware of their intentions. Why else would I be so open with such dangerous information unless I trusted them right?

“I’m going to get some sleep. We move at dawn,” I said ending the conversation.

* * *

The children weren’t easy to deal with, not like it was easy to deal with Tsukiya. They missed their mother and being on the move when they’d stayed in one place their whole life, was foreign and terrifying to them. I couldn’t imagine Tsukiya being in that position. Couldn’t imagine him having to uproot his whole life with strangers and leave Konoha.

Still it grated on the nerves when they cried for their mother on the occasion. My back was hurting, my head was aching, and the onset of a potentially life-threatening fever looked like it was on the way. All my patience was wearing thin now that Kota, the louder out of the two siblings was once more throwing a tantrum for his mother.

“I-I want kaachan,” he cried, hitting the ground again with his hands.

Anko looked beyond her depth and Rui simply kept patting the crying child’s back. At least Kimimaro was the silent sort. He held his brother’s kimono and kept quiet, eyes watery with tears, but not a hiccup or sound to go with his clear grief.

“I know—but we can’t do that. Your kaachan wanted you to go to Konoha safely. You have to listen to her,” Rui said in his infinite patience.

Unfortunately for him, mine had run out and I glared at the children, accidentally seeping out some killing intent which immediately shut them up. Rui looked my way with disapproval, and I sighed, feeling the sudden anger melt away leaving me tired again.

“Why don’t we do our work now?” Anko butted in diplomatically. “Hina you should go collect the firewood. I’ll do the look out.”

I nodded tiredly. Being left with the easy tasks mildly hurt my ego, but I knew it was because I was in no state to do much else. Still, I had too much on my mind and as I walked into the forest, keeping close to camp, I looked up at the canopy of trees and closed my eyes. The sounds of the birds and critters skittering along the forest floor, the smell of ozone and fresh oxygen, the feel of the course ground underneath my feet—it grounded me in a sort of tranquil stillness.

When I opened my eyes, I felt my chakra swirl within me, calling for me like it did many times, thrumming with the barest sparks of power again. I wanted freedom from that tiny sliver of Danzo still inside of me, tainting my system with his energy. In this calm moment, I felt almost freed from all guilt and anger, and I could feel the desire to truly be free from it all. If it ended now it would be peaceful.

“A seal to end it all,” I murmured looking up at the brief flicker of blues from beyond the green canopy.

_Connection_

I pulled out my notepad, the one I always had on me to dot down any wayward ideas. I remembered the candle-lit shrine, the proud red banner hanging on the wall with the kanji for connection drawn meticulously onto it. I took out some charcoal and began writing as much as I could remember from the banners in Satomi’s shrine. The Sage’s edicts felt like something more now, something _bigger._ Frantically, I pushed the words onto the paper and took a step back to admire the kanji. It was perfect, so _perfect_ for Fuinjutsu that I was surprised I hadn’t seen it before. All the strokes followed the same numerical pattern that Fuinjutsu tied in with the words and its meaning. Looking at it now I felt an idea spark.

“A seal to end it all,” I repeated, pulling my chin in awe.

It had been in front of me this whole time. I just needed to calm down and think past this grief to see it. The Will of Fire was what would save me, and that was oddly ironic considering what I was about to do with the word that signified it. Connection. A _connected_ seal. If a seal existed that could detect other seals, then there must surely be a way to disconnect all the seals at once. Or even to… activate it all.

“Are you alright Hina-san?”

I turned around, my thoughts interrupted, to see Rengoku standing by. I quickly put the notebook back in my sleeve and turned around with a plastered smile.

“Quite well. I was enjoying a moment of solitude after dealing with the noisy children,” I said amiably.

While I kept my voice pleasant, I did not take my eye of him. Kusari’s last words rung heavily through my mind. Rengoku was a plant, and not someone to be trusted. Thankfully, I wasn’t one not to have a failsafe in play. He could very well try to hurt me, but it would not benefit him.

“Let’s skip the pleasantries.”

I blinked up in mild shock as he stepped in my way. His eyes were hard. What had given it away? Was I not a good enough actor, or had he finally seen no reason to keep me in the dark? I eyed him critically for a moment. I was in no way ready for a fight in my current physical state. Rengoku was old though, and despite everything his body was giving away as much as mine was.

“I should have known from the start,” I said bitterly. “That Kusari was a red-herring to the true traitorous eyes and ears in this team.”

Rengoku’s bright eyes widened for a moment before he sighed and rubbed a hand through his thick mane of spikey hair. I narrowed my eyes and summoned a small snake from within my sleeve. Its scales were a small reassurance despite knowing I probably wouldn’t have to resort to it.

“You were always smart, but nearly not shrewd enough to discern between the lines.”

“It’s a skill I’m working on,” I said irritably. “So Rengoku-san, what do you intend to do now that you revealed yourself—now that you know my plans?”

“I should kill you. I may be legally working under Danzo, but I’m really allied to Shikaku.”

What? I blinked for a second in confusion, find it hard to really think in my physically exhausted and near sick state. Faltering in front of the potential enemy was not a good sign.

“It must be hard to take in, but I’m the mole,” he said looking rather tired himself. “We didn’t precedent that things would take such a dire turn, nor that Danzo potentially had a separate motive. I’m truly sorry the mission went south.”

I put a hand on the tree to centre myself.

“You’re saying you’re a double agent like me?” I asked, narrowing my eyes.

Rengoku nodded, but for some reason the pit in my stomach didn’t go, and Rengoku’s stance didn’t change. He was going to kill me either way and I knew it. He was simply lying to put my guard down. Most likely he would take me out discreetly.

There was something about the way he spoke, the way he worded those truths in-between lies that gave it away. He didn’t quite lie, but he never said he wouldn’t kill me, just that he should. In the context of his sentence the half-addled mind should have easily taken it as that he didn’t want to kill me, but my thoughts weren’t so muddled by fever just yet. Rengoku had underestimated my constitution.

I chuckled.

“What’s so funny?” he asked.

“All this time I waited around until something happened. I waited and waited, and more people died. I’m done waiting.”

I lunged at him with a snarl, and took in a deep breath, feeling it fill my diaphragm and invigorate my heartbeat. My mind cleared entirely as I entered Total Concentration Breathing once more. The sting in my chakra coils and the tearing in my back didn’t deter me. Instead I rushed at the old man with an animalistic force as I threw my wind blades at him, pushing him back over to the camp. I rolled away, ignoring the agony my body was in as multiple stitches tore at once. A blast of fire past me and I was met with a disappointed looking old man. His expression twisted my insides with fury and irritation.

“Tell me the truth Rengoku,” I hissed.

“I really am working for Shikaku,” he said truthfully.

“Then why do you intend to kill me?” I shouted angrily.

“Because we can’t get rid of Danzo just yet, and both you and Orochimaru are planning his murder. He is too valuable to the war effort. We must think of the villages interest first,” he said displeased.

I snorted. Village interest my ass. I could give zero shits what happened to that fucking village anymore. The only reason I had a vested interest in it was because my family and friends lived there, but everyone else could burn and I would gladly watch it go down. The Hokage, Danzo, and now even fucking Shikaku. I felt more betrayed than I ever had in my entire existence. I trusted Shikaku. I trusted him wholly, risked my family’s safety by agreeing to hand over the clan children to him instead of Danzo, and he was ready to kill me if I posed a threat to Danzo of all people.

Was Gaku involved in this?

No, if he was it would hurt too much to bear. I couldn’t handle that, and a part of me rioted that I even thought about him betraying me, but a part of me knew he would turn his back on me if he knew what I had done, what I planned to do. If Shikaku was fine with killing me for simply planning to take Danzo out, then they would not like what I was really going to do.

“ROOT is a necessary evil during the war. If you promise to wait patiently until it’s over, we can find a legal way of taking him down. There will be no need for bloodshed here,” he said diplomatically.

I felt my fury intensify. I couldn’t help the almost poison like rage that leaped into my expression at his words.

“There will be no more waiting. My parents demand justice! I demand vengeance,” I growled angrily.

If I waited any longer it would be Taichi’s and Tsukiya’s heads on my hands, then the heads of countless more children like Kusari I would fail.

“Then there is no reasoning with you. I’m truly sorry Suzuki-san,” he said, voice steely and eyes going dark.

Rengoku had a limp and so he was keeping me away with long ranged attacks. Despite being old he was in no way worse at ninjutsu. I dodged and dodged again, feeling hopelessly angry that I couldn’t get close despite my speed. My injuries were holding me back and total concentration breathing would not last a moment longer. I needed a way to deflect his fire jutsu.

_Wind Release: Wind walker Technique_ _!_

I got into my beast form and began running circles around Rengoku. The Wind Walker Technique was something that took me years to even get down, and I was not close to perfecting it, but even in its early stages it gave me an edge. I could compound speed quickly, until I was running as fast as a Jounin, and for someone my age to be able to accomplish that feat was no easy task. But speed wasn’t enough to get close to Rengoku. I needed something more. I went through the hand seals for the wind blade technique, but instead of pushing the air out forward I decided to take a page from Minato’s Rasengan. I managed to push the air around me in a push and pull circle, only maintaining any form because of my insane chakra control. It was a risky move, and would instantly deplete my meagre chakra reserves, but even with my handicap of having such a small pool of chakra, it didn’t matter. I just needed this one victory.

The wind formed around me in a wild sharp ball, and the next fire jutsu coming my way was disrupted alongside me, giving me the opening to jump into his melee range. I fell into my Circle Walk aerial style as I drew close to the old man and quickly shoved my hooked fingers into his throat, chest, and stomach. I pushed my fingers brutally into his stomach, pushing him up into the air before twisting it inside with a chakra enhanced claw and ripping out his intestines. A glob of blood splattered on my face and I pulled my fingers out, letting his body fall to the ground.

“Komizawa is just a merchant,” Rengoku managed to cough out.

I scowled as I pushed out the remaining chakra in my system and looked down at the man who was bartering his partner’s life even to his last breath. No doubt having your insides sticking out of your stomach was not painless. Yet he wasn’t screaming or writhing.

“I cannot guarantee his life,” I said coldly.

Rengoku looked disappointed again and he let out a sigh and another fit of painfully coughs, chocking on his own blood as he died. I staggered onto the tree when I heard Anko and Rui rush behind me.

“Hina-san!” Rui shouted before his eyes fell onto the bloody scene and he held his mouth.

“What the fuck happened here?” Anko asked.

I took out the seal I had drawn in my notepad and placed it on my tongue before transferring the last bit of chakra I could. No more waiting. No more sitting about taking this kind of shit from anyone ever again. I could feel the surge of pain seep into my bones, dropping me to the ground as the chakra escaped my system and into the now crumbling piece of paper. Danzo’s seal had no hold on me now.

“He was working for Danzo,” I rasped out.

“And Komizawa?” Anko asked in worry as he looked back to where Komizawa was no doubt left with the children.

I frowned at the ground. I wanted him dead, but I was in no state to do it myself now. He had seen to much, heard too much, and if he reported back to Shikaku like he no doubt would have to whether he wanted to or not, I would be the one dying. He needed to die and neither Anko nor Rui were the type to kill an innocent man, let alone an actual civilian. I didn’t have the luxury right now to contemplate the morality of what I needed to do. My hands were already seeped in blood, and whether Rui or Anko would forgive me for doing what I was going to do next didn’t matter, because it was what would keep them alive.

“Yes, he was a ROOT agent,” I lied, gritting my teeth, and looking away in mild shame. “I’m in no shape to kill him. You will have to do it. Take my summon with you and don’t directly confront him.”

Anko nodded, taking the summon up her arm. Rui looked at the dead body of his travel companion and I saw the tears in his eyes. Rengoku had become like a fun uncle during our trip and while Komizawa was in no way as humorous, he was a kind, mostly soft-spoken man. He didn’t deserve what I was going to do to him… Anko didn’t deserve what I was making her unknowingly do.

“W-We can’t—he doesn’t have the reserves to be a shinobi. We’ve travelled all this time and he’s never shown an aptitude for the Shinobi arts,” Rui said hastily.

I cursed under my breath as Anko faltered from leaving. She sent Rui a look as if contemplating his words and I felt my head swim in chakra exhaustion.

“Just fucking do it Anko. There’s no time for second guessing my orders right now,” I growled harshly as I shakily got up and pushed her away from Rui.

“Wait Hina maybe you were mistaken,” Rui pressed.

“I’m not fucking mistaken ok! Fuck it! If you won’t do it, I will,” I growled stepping forward.

I felt Anko put a hand on my chest and stop me from moving. Her pale purple eyes looked into mine imploringly and I looked away, feeling the shame of my lie pressing down into my stomach. She sighed and looked away.

“You know you don’t have to lie to me,” she said, hurt lacing her words. “I would kill him for you even if he wasn’t Danzo’s agent.”

I blinked up in shock as Anko pulled me into a hug. I stiffened under the oddly gentle contact and couldn’t help but hold onto her in relief.

“Why?”

“Because I know you—you and Orochimaru-sensei, you don’t enjoy killing but you’ll do it when you have to.”

I felt my hope falter. Why was her words hurting me like this?

Like Orochimaru

I was like Orochimaru

Those words kept ringing louder and louder in my head until Anko held my cheeks and snapped me back to reality. I blinked up at her and realised my eyes were blurry. It was hard to tell when I wiped my face, whether it was tears or Rengoku’s blood.

“So tell me, am I killing a merchant or a shinobi?”

“A-a merchant,” I whispered.

Anko took in a deep breath, before pulling away and nodding to herself. I held my face in growing sickness. Before I could fall Rui caught me from under my arms and stabilised me.

“We can’t just kill an innocent civilian,” he pleaded.

“We shouldn’t,” Anko agreed, “but has Hina ever done anything to risk us? I know she has her reasons, and when have we ever asked each other for our pasts? So why should this be any different?”

“I-I’m sorry,” I said tiredly as I looked up at Anko’s grim expression.

“Don’t be sorry. Our own village betrayed us. The only people left for me is this team, and I won’t let you down no matter what.”

She didn’t say anything else, but the trembling in her hands as she turned away to do the deed was enough. It was the last thing I saw before I succumbed once more to my exhaustion.


	49. Chapter 49

Anko was surprisingly doing well for someone who had just come to terms with truly dirtying their hands. Rui and I refrained from bringing up Komizawa, but we knew it took a toll, just not enough for it to warrant an intervention. We had more stressful things to worry about, but it eased my mind to know that Anko was wholly on my side. We had kept the merchant cart for about five days before ditching it. I had run through a particularly horrible fever and my reopened wounds were stitched together again. To save time we began travelling by foot, and I parted ways with Tug near a village near Wave. It was faster to travel by foot, especially when we spent about 2 hours running. It hurt me mostly out of the group, but thankfully Rui and Anko carried the twins on their back, leaving my injured one free.

Now that it was just the team and myself, I felt mostly safe. I trusted Anko and Rui with my life. They had begun to trust me too after I told them my story from the start. I left no detail hidden except for anything related to Orochimaru or my reincarnation. I left his part of the story out, simply telling them that he was a member of ROOT proper who saw my potential and took me out of there.

“We should be in Fire Country by next week,” Rui said as he looked up at the stars and then back to the sleeping children.

“Fuck me, I’m not looking forward to that,” Anko said glancing my way.

I snorted. “No.”

“—What, I didn’t say anything,” she said innocently.

“No,” I repeated. “You’re not going to involve yourself with ROOT. I told you this so both of you could stay away and not die snooping around in business beyond your station.”

“Beyond our station? You’re only Chunin,” Rui pointed out blandly.

“Yeah like hell we’re just leaving you to sort this mess out yourself. Our sensei and our revered vege-senpai are in danger and you think we’re just going to sit back and relax?” Anko asked, folding her arms and scoffing.

I shook my head at their stubbornness. It was virtually impossible to stop them from meddling. I just had to think up of a way to direct their actions to a safer part of my plan. Not that I told them too much about my plan, other than that I wanted to discuss things with Orochimaru before continuing. That was actually partially the truth. If Orochimaru had a stake now in taking down Danzo, then Shikaku would also involve himself with Orochimaru. The snake was probably cornered on both ends, and he’d lost his favour with the Hokage a while back. Me killing Danzo would be in his best interest, and as long as the fucker lost, I was honoured to murder him and his private army.

“Fine, but you need to get permission from Orochimaru-sama,” I said reluctantly.

I was about to eat some rations when I noted a very familiar signature coming our way. I got up and signalled for possible friendly encounter. Anko and Rui nodded, getting up and holding onto their weapons in preparation. Even in a potential friendly encounter you wanted to make sure you were armed and ready in case things went south. We all took a step back when it was Orochimaru who landed in front of us.

“Well, well it seems most of you gakis survived,” he said pleased.

“Orochimaru-sensei!” Anko said happily as she bounced up to him.

While the man did pat her on the head quickly, I noted his attention fell on me and my state before his gaze lingered on the children twisting awake at the commotion. No doubt they were already potential vessels in his eyes.

“We’ve been betrayed by Danzo and Shikaku,” I said, cutting straight to the chase.

“There has been no word of an international incident in Kiri, so it’s safe to assume you didn’t fail like they had planned,” Orochimaru hummed in approval. “Has Rui and Anko been informed?”

“Hai”

Orochimaru was phrasing his questions obliquely. I’d need to fill him in on the whole story later when we were alone, but I had a feeling it would be soon now.

“I have a hidden base not too far from here. We shall go there for the night,” he ordered.

“Sensei, how did you manage to come here if you’re under suspicion for plotting murder against a Councilman?” Rui asked

Orochimaru sent the boy a calculative look before glancing at me. No doubt he was wondering just how much I had given away about his true character and relationship with both Danzo and ROOT. I subtly shook my head his way and he smiled a predatory smile that inspired fear in most, but oddly some form of security to our motley team of messed up kids.

“There was an accident with the team I was sent on a mission with,” he said vaguely, but with a disturbing smile.

He probably let them die discreetly so he could make his way to us without too much suspicion. Knowing Orochimaru, it was probably a lot more complex than that. He probably only staged a temporary departure. The only thing I didn’t doubt was that there definitely was Konoha casualties.

“Come along, we will only have two days together. I will need to leave after that to avoid suspicion.”

* * *

Orochimaru was moving my limbs like I was an over glorified action figure. I’d fried my chakra coils and it was a time-consuming process trying to put it back together without having to simply give me a new body. The hastily done healing process on my back just made it look like a wrinkly mess not to mention the various scars from Needle’s sword work now littered my body. I’d give Deadpool a run for his money at this stage.

“It’s a miracle you survived,” Orochimaru commented idly.

I didn’t reply. It was unfair that Kusari didn’t. I shut my eyes tightly and thought about other things. No use getting emotional in front of Orochimaru of all people. Now that he was up to date on exactly what happened I needed to know whether he would support my plan.

“It wasn’t a miracle. It’s skill. Skills that you taught me. So are you going to help finish this or not?” I asked holding out my notebook.

I was pleased when he took the book and then went to his workstation to begin translating the kanji onto fresh paper. I rolled my right arm, breaking the tiredness from it before striding over to witness his work. Orochimaru had beautiful strokes, and his kanji was as perfect as it could get. The title of Sannin was definitely not wasted on him, neither was the title of seal master. He was putting together things that would take me months to figure out in mere seconds. If I just had forced him to be on the same wavelength as me earlier then maybe I could have used him. It was too risky of a move back then, but all that waiting had only gotten Kusari dead. I knew I couldn’t let opportunities like that go again, no matter how risky it was.

“A seal like this is something I’m unfamiliar with,” he admitted, although it sounded rather forced. “You will have to continue the seal on your own. I will simply direct the kanji to the best places for chakra flow.”

I nodded eagerly. A few silent minutes later and Orochimaru had finished inscribing the words together. He looked rather impressed which did boost my confidence through the roof. Who knew it was a religious script that would give me the idea to make this seal? I accepted the scroll readily before deciding to ask the final few questions.

“I thought you’d want the children,” I finally said.

Orochimaru paused and smiled at me, that knowing arrogant smile. I backed down slightly wondering if I’d overstepped my questioning, but a part of me did falter at the thought of fighting for them. So far, all the test subject Orochimaru had procured were adults, because children’s bodies reacted in an entirely different way to the fuinjutsu he was studying. I knew he wasn’t beyond experimenting on children. He would do it to Yamato in the future and endow him with wood release killing who knows how many more children in the process. That was something I couldn’t allow. Adults were one thing, but children were different—they were weak and most often times powerless and to prey on the powerless was… well it _felt_ wrong.

“They would become precious material in the future, yes, but I know how to choose my battles little neonate,” he said patting my head before he left to the door. He turned around as he opened the door and looked at me seriously. “Do not confront Danzo in a fight without my aid.”

“Hai Orochimaru-sama,” I replied with a serious nod.

“If things go south ask for a reverse summon,” he added.

“Oh, you have an escape plan if we’re implicated?” I asked curiously.

His answer was a simple smile, and while it was a dangerous one it was surprisingly reassuring. Orochimaru was self-serving in his love, but I was useful to him and therefore not someone he would easily throw away. I knew he wasn’t some benevolent sensei, certainly not anywhere close to the bond Gaku and I had, but I trusted him far more because I knew exactly how he thought, and there was safety in that knowledge. Orochimaru was a practical man, resourceful, cunning but most importantly he had a purpose. Many people waded through life with no aim, intent on living it day to day, but his drive was unending for his goal, and that thankfully made him predictable.

“Danzo will most likely betray us as soon as you come back, but it will happen in the presence of several officials or Sarutobi, never alone. He’ll want to make sure that any illegal activities he’s committed would fall on both of us instead of him. He caught sight of my… _wavering_ loyalties,” Orochimaru hummed uninterestedly, as if he was simply discussing the weather.

I rubbed my chin and looked down in thought. This never happened in the manga. Orochimaru probably still held a tenuous relationship with Danzo, but it wasn’t until after the war when Hiruzen became Hokage again after Minato died that Orochimaru was exposed for his experiments. Maybe it wasn’t the experiments themselves, but the fact that it was hidden from Hiruzen, that made the Hokage finally decide to take his half-assed action against his student. I really should have written all this down at the start of my life somewhere, but even a foreign language could easily be decoded, and I hadn’t wanted to risk it. My mind had always been rather keen when it came to memory, so I’d dismissed it.

“Orochimaru-sama, I ask that we keep both Anko and Rui out of this,” I requested.

“I had no intention of involving them. They would be of no help either way,” he said dismissively. “Well then safe returns Hina-chan.”

I watched Orochimaru leave with giddy anticipation. Having a Sannin by my side, even if he was an evil one, certainly did give me hope. Danzo would not see us coming, and if all went to plan, I wouldn’t have to use my seal at all.

* * *

Reaching Konoha’s border made me feel anxious. I wasn’t sure how things would go with Kimimaro and Kota. It all really depended on Danzo and Shikaku, neither of whom I trusted. Whoever came out to receive the children first would get them, but that wasn’t what I was worried about. Sure it would be better if they were taken by Shikaku and raised in the Nara district, but ultimately what happened to them wouldn’t matter for long. What I was truly worried about were my brothers who were being held hostage by Danzo. He had threatened to kill them upon mission failure, and technically being unable to deliver the children to him was considered failure, but it couldn’t be so clear cut. Surely, he only said that to ensure my loyalty. If Shikaku came to collect them, then it was a matter out of my hands.

I would at least forgive Shikaku if we kept his word and protected my brothers from Danzo. I deserved that from him at least if nothing else. I glanced over at Anko and Rui who looked worn and tense, the children on their backs, tied to them with cloth, hanging just a travel weary and tired onto them.

“Remember, it doesn’t matter who comes to collect them. We give them to whoever comes first,” I explained.

Anko and Rui looked reluctant, but they nodded either way. Konoha’s betrayal had stung them both hard, but it made them easier to handle. They trusted me, despite knowing that I had kept, and was probably still keeping, things from them. In the end it wasn’t the secrets that mattered, just that they knew I would not let them come to harm. I was grateful for my teammates. They were people who didn’t need to know everything to trust me, and so I afforded them the same respect. We did what we did for each other after all.

“Team 13 welcome back”

I bowed slightly towards the Konoha shinobi who had jumped down in front of us. Silently we began undoing the cloth harnesses and handed the children over their way. I noted the lack of ANBU or ROOT insignias. So it was Shikaku who finally won on this front. My anxieties were diverted quickly back to my brothers.

“Your mission has been upgraded to an S rank, so unfortunately you won’t be given the customary rest time. Follow me to the Hokage’s office,” the Jounin gestured.

“Hai,” we all replied tiredly.

We had all come up with a detailed report plan already, but it didn’t change the fact that we’d be omitting and lying about certain parts of the mission to the Hokage himself. This would be considered treason. I couldn’t have the knowledge get out that we killed Konoha citizens in our mission. Rengoku and Komizawa’s deaths by our hands were illegal and punishable by death. I just hoped Anko and Rui wouldn’t divert from the planned report. Oddly enough I felt comfortable in my faith in them.

Entering the Hokage’s office had never been so nerve wracking before, especially as it was now with dozens of ANBU standing _visibly_ around the room when they should normally be hidden away in the ceiling. The atmosphere was serious and thick with tension. I put a calming hand on Rui’s shoulder, unfazed whether or not the Hokage saw such a thing. Then we all did our courtesy bow and waited for Sarutobi to speak.

“Your mission was surely a hard one, and I notice the lack of some members. As I’m sure you’ve figured out by now, this wasn’t a mission I sanctioned to be carried out,” Hiruzen said gravely, with an almost apologetic tone.

“We are aware Hokage-sama,” I said nodding.

He appraised me for a moment and then my teammates before he nodded. He probably assumed I was unable to directly state it because I still had the seal on my tongue. I was glad for that. It meant I could get away with being vague at times.

“Then I’m sure you’ll understand how vital it is that this mission is kept a secret.”

“Hai Hokage-sama,” we all chorused together.

“Good, then report,” he said, blowing his pipe.

I stepped forward. I took a moment to gather my thoughts before I succinctly recounted what had happened, who was assigned to the team, who we encountered, the early massacre of the Kaguya Clan, the infiltration mission… I paused there and decided to add in more of my thoughts. If this meant I could possibly save Rin, then I would take the chance.

“I heard word of Kiri possibly planning to kidnap a Konoha Shinobi to seal the Three Tails into them.”

“That would destroy Konoha, if it was released,” Sarutobi said gravely before he sighed. “Unfortunately, you have given me this precious information too late. Konoha is already well aware.”

My eyes widened in shock. What? Already? How had it happened already? Was Rin… no…

“What are your thoughts on the nature of the Hidden Mists aggression?”

I found myself focusing back on the Hokage’s questioning. I couldn’t ask about Rin, Obito or Kakashi right now. That would be far too suspicious, not to mention knowledge that if I were found to have now, would lead to some questions I’d rather not have to answer.

“Hokage-sama, it is in my belief that the tensions building up in Kiri seems to be artificially created. Someone intends to escalate their animosity towards Konoha.”

“This is grave news indeed,” he replied, mulling over my words before urging me to continue.

I gave my report on how I ran into Kushimaru, which did get the Hokage’s attention. It seemed he was at least vaguely aware of everything that happened before, but the encounter with one of the seven swordsmen was not something he could have predicted or known of. I described exactly what happened afterwards, how I managed to ‘trick’ Needle into sparing my life, how he felt pity for the children who were his best friend’s nephew, how… Kusari died… My voice felt like it was failing me at the admission of his death, but I continued on regardless and barely faltered when I lied about how the hunter nin killed Rengoku and Komizawa while I was unconscious. I left out the part about Orochimaru finding us on the way and attributed my back healing well to the self-healing Orochimaru had taught me.

Then after that both Anko and Rui repeated their version of the account rather well. Once that was over, we were given large documents in a suitcase to fill out at a certain location in the T&I department for later.

“I would like to congratulate your team for its handling of a very dire mission. Not only had you managed to not escalate an international incident, when your team had been sabotaged to do just that, but you also managed to bring a new Clan into our midst. Konoha is now more aware of it’s rising enemies. Your service has been invaluable. Mitarashi Anko, Chinsei Rui—”

“Hai Hokage!”

“—You are henceforth promoted to Chunin Rank. Meet at the lower office within the next week to fill out your forms.”

Anko and Rui lit up in pride for a moment, their weary demeanour diminishing at least for a moment. They still looked cautious at least but being promoted on field was an honour and looked upon more highly than winning in the Chunin exams.

“And Suzuki Hina, I would wish to promote you to Jounin for this mission alone, but I fear you will have to wait a few years,” he said smiling a little apologetically my way, although I knew it was for a reason other than my age.

“That is not an issue Hokage-sama. I would like to stay Chunin for a while longer too,” I replied tiredly.

He nodded and then dismissed us. We were given our scroll checks and I was taken aback by its black colour. When I opened it, I was surprised to see the amount of money written inside. One mission alone and I was sure it would set my family up for another two years at least. Anko and Rui looked to be just as amazed. I didn’t feel quite as much joy as I should looking at the numbers. Kusari had died for this and that left me feeling irrationally angry at even being payed. The money felt dirty.

“Hina—” Rui called out worriedly as he held my shoulder.

“I need to go back to my family,” I said, unable to hide the urgency in my voice.

“Stay safe,” Anko waved.

“And you two stay in public eye at all times. Make sure you’re not alone for the next few weeks,” I reminded them.

They nodded and I turned to jump away. The potential news about Kakashi, Rin and Obito weighed heavily in my mind but my family awaited.

* * *

I opened the bakery door hastily and rushed inside to see Matsu closing up the store. His eyes widened in surprise as it turned my way.

“Hina—”

“Where’s Taichi and Tsukiya?” I asked urgently, looking around unable to see them.

“They’re upstairs—”

Before he could get another word in, I had practically teleported up there. My senses flared with the signs of danger and I ducked and rolled to see a kunai embed itself in the wall behind me. When I righted myself and looked ahead, I paused at the sight of Gaku and Yama standing up on guard.

“Gaku-sensei? Yama?”

I shakily got up, ignoring the still blaring danger in my bones as he rushed up to hug me. I closed my eyes and felt my body relax in his embrace. It felt like safety. Yama’s soft fur as he rubbed against my chest wasn’t helping me stay on guard. I couldn’t even bring myself to question their loyalty. He would never betray me. I don’t think he would even be able to if he found out what I was doing with Orochimaru.

“Taichi and Tsukiya—a-are they safe?” I asked quickly pulling away.

“They’re safe kiddo. It seems Danzo isn’t planning anything for now,” he whispered.

Gaku paused for a second, his face turning too serious. “Hina—”

“—I know you had nothing to do with the order on my life,” I said firmly.

Gaku seemed to let out a sigh of relief, and the apologetic look on his face told me everything. He was too honest to be a shinobi, but that’s what I loved about him. I sent him a fond smile as I looked into his familiar warm face, but I didn’t have the time to dally. I felt urgently like I needed to see them myself. After giving Yama a quick pat on the head, I rushed into the corridor to see Taichi’s head snap my way.

“Hina—”

I bounded into my brother in relief.

* * *

After taking an age long shower, I got dressed in my shinobi gear, piling up on the weapons and scrolls into as many secret dress compartments as I could. I could feel the glare of the enemy in my peripheral vision waiting to attack. Danzo should summon me soon, and then it was only a matter of what he’d ask me to do from there. That was an unknown neither I nor Orochimaru could predict, and it set my nerves on edge.

I looked at myself in the mirror to calm down once again and took in a deep breath. I hadn’t grown an inch from when I had left on the trip. It seemed without Orochimaru’s growth hormones; my body would be stagnating under the strain of my work. Despite the lack of height I managed to look a few years older again. At this stage by 20 I wouldn’t be surprised if I had the stress lines of a 50-year-old.

I wasn’t surprised when I found a slip of paper by the window summoning me to ROOT headquarters at night. At this stage it was expected, but I doubted Danzo would do anything drastic considering the circumstances. Plus Orochimaru and I had a plan, and that required we wait for the perfect moment to strike Danzo in public. It would force the Hokage’s hands, and we would kill the fucker before he could implicate us in our illegal dealings. It was a risky manoeuvre, but I preferred it to my earlier plan.

I walked out of the shower to see Tsukiya peek from the corridor. I put on a smile and waved him over, and he uncertainly peppered over my way. His warm green eyes sparkled with innocence, and made my heart feel similarly lighter and when he was close enough, I didn’t hesitate to pull him into an embrace. Even against me now he was so small and soft, his hair fluffy and full. I wanted nothing more than to pause.

“Are you okay Hina-neechan?”

“I am now,” I said softly as I buried my face into the nape of his neck.

When I was with my family it felt like all the rage would drain away, like my heart would still for its unending bloodthirst and I could be at peace for a moment. But I knew if I allowed myself a moment longer I would stay like this forever, caught in a soft trap of familial love until it was all inevitably torn away by my own inaction.

“You’re hugging too tight,” Tsukiya said nervously.

“Sorry,” I mumbled out in shock as I pulled away.

I laughed quickly, hiding away my own discomfort as I ruffled his hair and made him flustered. I noted how long his green hair had gotten and I didn’t miss the fact that it looked like he had tried very hard to emulate my exact hairstyle. He sent me a cute pout and I pocketed my summon.

“We’re going to eat. Tai-nii told me to call you,” he huffed.

“Your neechan has one more thing to do before she can eat,” I said apologetically. “Wanna see something cool before I go?”

Tsukiya looked interested again and he nodded quickly. I grinned as I went through my hand signals and called forth my most useful jutsu. A gust of hot wind blew up drying me in the matter of seconds.

“What was that?”

“A hair drying jutsu! Isn’t it useful?” I chuckled.

“Nuh-uh, that’s lame! Show me a fireball,” Tsukiya whined.

“It’s so not lame, it’s awesome! Also I really have to go—”

“—But the fireball!”

“I’ll show it to you when I come back ok,” I smiled.

Tsukiya didn’t look pleased. He sulked, crossing his arms, and puffing out his cheeks. I couldn’t help being sadly amused as I ruffled his hair and walked out to the dining room. Taichi looked at how I was dressed and frowned when I pointed to the door.

“Come back soon,” he sighed as he looked at the hot food he made.

“I promise,” I tutted, feeling entirely unwilling to go to my summon when the smell of fresh food was in front of me.

Before I exited Gaku nodded at me, something in his eyes reassuring me. I nodded back, but the heaviness in my heart didn’t leave. Just because he knew where I was going didn’t mean I felt safe. Just because he had my back didn’t mean I couldn’t fail. I had failed Kusari after all… I shook my head of those depressing thoughts and ignored the smell of fresh food too.

Despite my hearts desires I managed to bring my focus back on. It didn’t matter what day it was, a meeting with Danzo was not something that often happened, and when it did it felt like my heart was ready to burst from my chest. My blood was pumping already, ingraining into me a bloodlust that never left. It called to me with the faces of my parents and Kusari. The only difference now was that I didn’t feel his hold on me any longer. There was no seal binding me to his will, and the taste of his blood was already on my tongue.

I walked into the dredges of ROOT, feeling its uncomfortable familiarity come over me again. I palmed the omamori Kohachi had given me in my pocketed compartment as I entered. Its reassuring presence allowed me to take in a deep breath and calm my rapidly beating heart. I had not come unarmed and unprepared.

Once I made my way in, I noted the increased presence of activity tonight. Was something going on? There wasn't enough time to give it thought because I made it into the debriefing room. Danzo stood at the back, half his body still bandaged up, most likely with only about half the Uchiha eyes he would have had in the future. It still made him a formidable opponent.

I felt disgusted as usual as I prostrated myself before him, kneeling down like a good dog.

"You failed your mission Utsuro, although it seems it was partially your fellow agents’ fault for letting Shikaku's men impersonate them. We have lost two valuable assets."

"I apologise Danzo-sama," I said stiffly.

"It isn't the matter," he said turning around to finally look at me. "What is important is to test your allegiance."

I paused and glanced up despite myself. Did he plan to kill my family? No, even he would know that would simply severe all hold he had on me. He had something else in mind.

"My allegiance and trust belongs entirely to you Danzo-sama," I said, trying to sound as earnest as I could.

He scowled. "You think me a fool Utsuro. You weren't meant to make it back alive and yet you did. There is no use in hiding that you don’t know of this already. You and Orochimaru have proven to be a rot festering in the foundation of Konoha."

I looked up fully now, losing all pretence of submission. I didn't expect him to openly say this today of all days. Orochimaru had speculated that Danzo would call us both out in public. I had expected Orochimaru’s plan to spin around his crimes onto Danzo and gain public favour, but if Danzo wanted to kill us in private then that would mean he was willing to take the risk of killing a very prominent war hero and his protegee. What gave Danzo that kind of courage, I didn’t know. I should be cursing. Not only was he going to kill me now for sure, but I didn't have Orochimaru to help.

I had no idea why Danzo thought this was a good idea. Even Hiruzen wouldn't turn a blind eye to this would he? Fuck... maybe he would, but as much as I distrusted Shikaku, he would not let this slide.

All that inevitably didn't matter. Like fuck was I going to lose to Danzo. I wouldn't let him touch me or what was mine again. It didn't matter if Orochimaru was here or not. I had my own plan, and I was happy to do it on my own. It would make the satisfaction of murdering the fucker all the better.

I felt my blood pumping and my breathing deepen excitedly within me at the thought of his blood.

"You dare raise your chakra in front of me?" he asked, as he held out his hand to activate my seal.

Nothing happened and I grinned at Danzo’s realisation that my seal was undone. Root Shinobi body flickered down, armed, and ready. Before they could do anything, I took out my ready-made scroll, bit my thumb and activated it. The agents around me began frothing at the mouth, their eyes turning behind their heads as they held their throats in agony. The sounds of screaming rung through the entirety of the ROOT underground system, like bloody music to my ears it echoed perfectly for a glorious few second. Then almost like a fading echo it drowned out into silence leaving the stunned Councilman and I alone. I grinned in giddiness, feeling the itch of excitement under my skin at Danzo's surprised and stricken face.

"Do you like it? A mass activation seal. You can thank the sage of six paths for giving me the perfect sequence for the intent of ‘connection’. The foundation of the Will of Fire is what took down ROOT. Poetic irony," I said, feeling a deep satisfaction at my monologue.

Danzo snarled but he quickly took a deep breath and then a step back. I held onto my kunai in preparation, but he simply held out his hand.

"Did you not understand? I got rid of the seal—" I said about to chuckle when an intense pain hit me.

My knees buckled as the ringing got louder and louder. What?! The seal was gone! I had gotten rid of it!

"There was always a hidden secondary back-up seal. You have caused irrevocable damage to Konoha. For that you will **die**."

I screamed in agony and rage, clawing my way towards the man beyond me in desperate fury. Why?! I was this close! Why couldn't I have this one thing?!

My vision blurred and I buckled inwards. The dark spots blurring my vision engulfed it entirely in a sheet of black and I felt my heart stop.

Was this... was this the end?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahaha whaaaaaat. Ok yeah this isn't the end. I doubt any of you readers will believe I’d end this story with Hina losing and dying to Danzo. This definitely isn't the end.   
> Thanks to everyone who commented! I appreciate you all! Also if you want to check out another si/oc of mine (lot less si than oc actually) then check out my Harry Potter story called Good Ol' Fashioned Razzmatazz. It's a lot more funny and light hearted than this story and is actually under the comedy genre, because Arete is the kind of chaotic wizard who doesn't care about the plot and just honestly causes mayhem for the sake of it. Also it seems I have a thing for snake girls because Hina's contracted to snakes and Arete is a parseltongue who's best friend is a snake. I'm a Hufflepuff though so no idea why I'm so fixated on snakes XD ANYWAY not saying their universes are connected... but I MIGHT be.


	50. Chapter 50

Snap Back To Reality 50

* * *

Dying was like a ringing in the ear, high-pitched and growing in intensity. It beat against the eardrums mutely at the start, creeping in slowly until suddenly you were overtaken by an all-encompassing panic. The pain itself was secondary to the feeling, a feeling I had quite happily forgotten until now. Death by seal, and death by vegetable apparently wasn’t all that different. Then when the ringing ended abruptly and I was covered in a blanket of absolutely nothing, I almost felt like crying.

Was this all that life amounted to? Was my second death as meaningless as my first? Was I bound to end up alone and disenfranchised every single time, fated to claw and struggle only to make the same mistakes and fail? Was that simply the destiny of all humans?

I kind of deserved this for prattling on with that ridiculous villain monologue earlier. Really was I so cliché as to recite my entire plan in such an arrogant way? I was just asking to be defeated…

I didn’t want to accept these outrageous notions, and so I tried to move, but that was considerably harder to do when you had no real physical form, surrounded by an expanse that knew no bounds of space or time. It neither hurt nor felt safe and familiar, it was simply a place of existence beyond the mortal realm, and I could suddenly recall in striking clarity this place of existence I had visited before my eventual rebirth. I had been here once before, but I had forgotten about it. It was a foreign feeling to grasp a concept like time so completely as I did now. It was like the universe had granted me the knowledge so I wouldn’t go insane simply by existing in what I essentially now knew to be another dimensional plane of existence.

'You shouldn't be here'

The voice that said this was less of a voice and more of a feeling. It felt like a heavy presence and it stood out amongst the nothingness that surrounded me.

"Is this eternity?" I asked

'There is no time here'

"Who are you?"

'I have no human name.'

"Are you God?"

'Not how you'd imagine a God.'

"I don't want to die here," I croaked out, feeling my sadness, regret, and anger blanket around me and consume my entirety.

‘Death is a concept created by humans. There is simply a transference of energy, nothing more. You have once again pushed through the dimensions.'

"What—”

Before I could say anymore the ringing that came with dying throbbed mildly behind my ears once more and I realised I had a mouth to breathe that was lacking oxygen. The transition was so sudden I began violently coughing. When I blinked my eyes open, viciously gripping at rough fabric for support, I was met with striking golden eyes. Cold fingers held my tongue as I felt a seal break away once again.

"Good my seal worked. It would have been a waste if you died today."

"O-Orochimaru?" I asked.

He pulled my hands away from his kimono, patted my head gently and put me aside. I rolled onto my side and propped myself weakly on my forearm. I was still struggling for breath as he got up and dismissed his clone in front of him, facing of against Danzo. He looked angry.

"You made a terrible mistake crossing me Danzo,” Orochimaru said.

Danzo scowled slightly before pulling of the one-sided kimono and throwing it to the ground. I managed to focus enough to count how many Uchiha eyes he had imbedded in that arm of his. There were four, so presumably two Uchiha had already somehow been killed and harvested. I didn’t think he’d have more than one at this stage considering this was pre-Uchiha Clan massacre. That meant that Orochimaru had already somehow been experimenting with Hashirama’s cells.

I was shocked he had that many eyes already. It meant that Danzo could use the Izanagi technique four times, with each technique lasting about a minute long because of the Senju cells stabilising and reinforcing the Uchiha eyes. That meant Danzo could essentially alter his own reality four times and cheat death those four times.

I had gone over this concept so many times in my head since I joined ROOT, to the point where I had practically theorised every possible counter to this broken Doujutsu technique. The Izanagi essentially made it so that the user could change their own reality, so the Genjutsu didn’t simply apply to the senses but to reality itself. I could taste the distortion of the dimensions around the Sharingan eyes now, and for some reason I could grasp the concept of the technique perfectly.

Had I been in some limbo space, a place in-between the universes while I had temporarily died? My head hurt slightly from the thought itself, but I could vaguely remember an entity with me, the void around me in a constant flux where the past, present, future and space were vastly different to the now. The Izanagi affected one such reality for a brief moment.

“Do you know the consequence you will face for killing me?” Danzo asked.

Orochimaru simply smiled it of as if it bothered him little. “My eternal satisfaction?” he questioned back in humour.

Danzo tched. “Every operation I have conducted is well within the Hokage’s sphere of tolerance. How will he react to knowing his own student was violently experimenting on innocent Konoha citizens?”

“Yes Sarutobi is an odd one like that. He can tolerate your treatment of children for this village, but he cannot see the importance of my research for all of humanity. Well no matter. Even if he wanted to find proof of my experimentation it would be impossible now.”

“Don’t make this about humanity. You have always been selfish Orochimaru, whereas I serve the village! Everything I have done is justified and the people of Konoha will understand too! The same cannot be said for you.”

Orochimaru minutely tensed at that, and I knew what just went through his head right now. Despite what others thought, Orochimaru did crave the recognition and respect that came with his position. More so than that he knew that recognition and respect afforded authority, and ultimately, he craved the title of Hokage for no reason more than that.

I forced myself to stand up despite the still receding pain in my skull. I couldn’t care less what vendetta Orochimaru had with Danzo. He was mine to kill and not even Kami himself could take this away from me. Considering I had cheated death to get this far, I wouldn’t expect any less. I was about to tell Orochimaru to move aside when he did something unusual. He gave me the briefest eye contact and held out three of his fingers behind his back.

Three fingers for three Sharingan eyes.

So he knew about the Izanagi and Danzo’s use of the Sharingan. He was telling me to stand back until three eyes were used up. Why was he letting me cast the final two blows on Danzo? I stood back regardless, despite the itch underneath my skin urging me to join the fray. Danzo was before me, ripe for the taking, and to wait a moment longer was too long, yet I knew the importance of patience. I wouldn’t be able to kill a veteran like him on my own without it being a very risky battle, and as a Shinobi if there was no reason to take that risk then it was folly to do so. Sasuke had barely gotten out of this fight and he had a decade more experience and a doujutsu to back him up when he fought Danzo. I had something better. I had Orochimaru.

“Enough talk, I will kill you now along with your student. Konoha needs the Foundation to rebuild during these turbulent times and I intend for this village to win!”

“As you say,” Orochimaru said briefly as he pulled out his sword the Kusanagi.

Danzo looked ready and prepared. He would no doubt aim to reserve the eyes as best as he could, unlike in his battle with Sasuke in the story. He had a very limited number of eyes, not to mention Orochimaru as an opponent would require a level of forward strategy to beat. I knew my sensei enough to know that he didn’t want me to simply sit back. The art of battle was to use any advantage possible. He didn’t believe in a fair fight. Shinobi fought dirty, and it was my job to tilt the battle in his favour. I pulled out my sealing scroll and brought out my disarming charms.

In a gust of wind both Orochimaru and Danzo clashed. Their speeds were insane, faster than I’d ever be and so I held my breath and watched. Danzo let out a wave of air bullets and Orochimaru rushed through them like a blur. He was pushed back by a wind breakthrough technique, but it lasted only a second as a moment later he had disappeared, and his true form jumped from within the dirt. I caught Danzo pulling out the binding curse seal and immediately jumped in, blasting into the battle, and undoing the seal. He shot his hands out in a bid to catch my throat, but I twisted mid air and jumped away, giving Orochimaru the time to pierce his sword straight through Danzo’s chest.

The man spit out blood before disappearing. I could feel his presence behind me and so I quickly jumped away as he rematerialized. I substituted myself with a nearby chair to get away from the man before we paused our battle in preparation for our next attack. I noted an eye had closed on his deformed arm.

“It’s the Izanagi, a kinjutsu that allows the wielder to change the fabric of reality itself,” Orochimaru explained.

“In other words, another one of the typical Uchihas’ broken eye techniques,” I grumbled in distaste. “I’m guessing it has a short time-limit.”

“You’ve done your research,” Danzo said in distaste.

I smirked. “Not so fun when your bag of tricks gets exposed huh.”

Orochimaru looked entirely too pleased by my foresight. Danzo had yet to get a Mangekyo Sharingan implanted in his right eye, and so he didn’t have the advantage of the visual prowess of Shisui’s eyes yet. He would never have it.

I didn’t let my thoughts wonder or my blood boil in bloodlust. Those were things that simply got in the way of my victory. Anger was something I found hard to control near this bastard’s vicinity, but it was something I practiced quite often too.

“It matters not,” Danzo gritted out.

His eyes briefly flitted to the exit, but I quickly used my wind blade to cut down a pillar above the exit and seal it off. Orochimaru had already engaged by that stage and I resumed watching again, straining my chakra to my ears to hear their movements. Danzo was a wind user, and he could summon a very large elephant if he wished, but we weren’t in the right kind of place for such a summon. Orochimaru and I however had a plethora of smaller summons. I whipped out my sleeves, kneeling on the floor and pushing my chakra into the ground.

_Kuchiyose no Jutsu!_

A flurry of snakes shot out of my sleeves and mouth, rushing forward and into the ground. Controlling them was the hard part. I shut my eyes and waited for the perfect moments, trying to pinpoint Danzo’s quick movements and when he was most vulnerable. When I found a crack in his defence, I shot the snake up from the ground. It flew forward and was cut in half by his wind blade. I did this again and again, poking and prodding and distracting him from Orochimaru. His attention was both on me and a Sannin at once. I could feel him inching towards the door to retreat and so I stayed in front of it, blocking of his exit.

Just as I suspected, Danzo began pushing out more desperate wind jutsu while Orochimaru was playing his mind games. He hid in the ground, creating clones and decoys, and Danzo would be forced to spread his attention both to me and the Sannin. There was no way he would win. It wasn’t long before he was speared through the heart with Orochimaru’s Kusanagi. I called the snakes to me as quickly as I could and just as I predicted Danzo had used his second Izanagi to reappear behind me towards the exit. Even he knew fighting us both in his state was suicide, but I couldn’t let him go.

I shot through my hand seals, preparing my chakra in my mouth. Snake → Dragon → Rabbit → Tiger 

_Fire Release: Dragon Fire Technique!_

A large fire dragon shot out of my mouth, propelling my body backwards as it rushed towards Danzo. The surprisingly nimble old man jumped out of the way, but I didn’t have exceptional chakra control for no reason. I twisted the dragon around from the wall and towards him, having coated it in a thin layer of wind chakra. It followed after him like a homing missile instead of dissipating in a straight line. He clearly hadn’t expected it and dodged hastily, finding himself back towards the middle of the room again.

“You won’t run away so easily,” I hissed angrily.

“I told you to wait Hina-chan,” Orochimaru said with a smile, although there was an undercurrent of a threat there.

Fuck him. I scowled as I stepped forward, ignoring his commands. Fuck him! I had stopped myself from entering the fray for long enough, and I could wait no longer. Whatever patience I had left, had gone when he tried to make his escape. I needed his blood now!

“If you’re hasty it will cost you your revenge,” Orochimaru warned more sternly this time.

I looked at his narrow golden eyes and gritted my teeth in frustration. My fingers dug into my palms as I fisted them tightly by my sides. He was right. I needed to wait one more round. Despite my blood boiling with the call of vengeance I stood down and stepped back.

A few more minutes Kusari, kaasan, tousan… and then I would send him to hell where he belonged.

I stayed back and forced my head back into the game again. There was one more Izanagi left before I could combine my attack with Orochimaru’s. Danzo’s chakra was already dwindling with every use of the Uchiha eyes. He had stayed out of battle for so long his skills had atrophied and he was left depending on his implants.

I watched as Orochimaru easily pushed up his effort this round. He was purposefully not landing a killing blow and I knew why. If he kept pushing Danzo to use defensive jutsu he would tire him out. Then the next time he would activate the Izanagi would inevitably last a lot less longer and drain even more chakra. It was either that or he was trying to confuse Danzo by activating and deactivating the eyes, unsure of when the blows would be a killing blow or a mock distraction. Either way the strategy was what I had initially planned to use if I ever fought Danzo. Sasuke in the story had used his Sharingan to cast a simple Genjutsu amongst the battle, fooling Danzo into thinking the eye was open when it was in fact closed. I didn’t have the luxury of an Uchiha’s prowess in Genjutsu, so this was the next best option. Adding both me and Orochimaru to occupy every inch of Danzo’s attention was a blessing in every way.

It seemed Danzo had caught onto the plan by now and had taken to using more traditional methods. He used a generic wind jutsu to push up the dust in the surrounding area before creating a dozen clones. They rushed out to attack Orochimaru but the Sannin quickly defeated them all, jumping away just in time to dodge an attack from the behind. He left with a sizeable wound on his back, but otherwise was unfazed. Danzo however looked worse for the wear. Unfortunately for him he had spent too much energy focusing on Orochimaru he forgot I was here, and my summons had sunk their poisonous jaws into his legs. He frothed at the mouth and fell down in a satisfying death.

“It’s your turn now little neonate,” Orochimaru grinned.

I cracked my knuckles and grinned. Danzo had not rematerialized near the exit this time but the far end of the room. He went through familiar hand seals in quick succession making me jump straight towards Orochimaru for protection. He was using his summoning jutsu in such a tiny place!

“Mud dome wall!”

I was glad to have practically latched onto Orochimaru in this instance, because his defensive wall had saved us from being squished like bugs by tonnes of stone. The elephant summon no doubt destroyed a part of ROOT’s base quarters.

“We need to go up before we lose him!” I shouted. “Why didn’t you summon Manda?”

He tched but offered no explanation. Before I could question him more, he grabbed me by my waist and used an earth technique to shoot up from the ground and out. I didn’t bother to question him further on his suspicious behaviour. The more important thing was to not let Danzo through. If he didn’t die now, he would no doubt be protected by that useless Hokage. This was my only opportunity, consequences be dammed.

“I’ll take care of the summon, you go,” Orochimaru ordered.

I nodded and pushed my chakra to my nose. The moment I caught the man’s scent I activated my Wind Walker technique and shot forward in a gust of wind. He was still in the forests that surrounded the Hokage Mountain. In his state I could easily catch up to him, and I did, my body taking on the beast stance that Gaku taught me as I compounded speed upon speed that only the dexterity of a four legged form could manage to control.

“Danzo!” I shouted in rage as I neared him.

He stopped his breathless running to turn and scowl. I jumped onto a tree and pushed my body in his direction. Using my aerial manoeuvres I twisted my body and shot down with an axe kick. He jumped away, but I used my own technique to incorporate a wind blade into my feet rather than my arms, and managed to cut him deeply across his right arm. He cursed as he was sliced. He ripped off his shirt before running through a jutsu. I was shot away by a powerful gust of piercing wind, that broke my back through the trees and ruined my momentum. It barely made me stop, and I quickly got up.

The destruction of the surrounding trees cast the illuminating light of the moon above us. I stepped forward and faced the man who had ruined my entire life. Alone. Seeing him like this now before me made my rage only grow. There was so much I had fantasised to say to this man. A growing list of the pain he had inflicted on and the inevitable pain I would bring upon him. It wasn’t enough to kill him, I wanted to make him regret ever living. Only then would he truly understand what he did to me.

“You are just like your sensei, a _child_. You have taken down so much of Konoha’s forces we will struggle to win this war,” he cursed.

“Fuck the war and fuck your plans,” I laughed bitterly. “FUCK YOU!”

I wanted to kick myself. Was that all I could think to say to the man who had ruined my entire life? Where were all the speeches I had prepared in sleepless nights suffering from a pain that gnawed at my heart and put a hole through my soul? Tears prickled at my eyes as I remembered the loving expressions of my strong, brave parents, of Kusari’s innocent smile and his love for romance novels. He had no right to take that away! No right! How could someone put those feelings into simple words?

“You will not stop me! I have a greater purpose, and I will not die until I see Konoha dominate and win,” he growled.

“You won’t ever see that day. I’ll make sure all your dreams will never come to pass. I will curse you even in your grave,” I shouted in rage as I flung myself forward.

He was tired and all he could do was engage in a taijutsu battle. Despite this his movements were fluid and that of a veteran. I struggled to keep up, but I was barely winded and I could push him using my perfected Taijutsu-Ninjutsu blended style. Every kick and punch was accompanied by a gust of piercing wind or a concentrated blast of fire jutsu. Before long, his wounds had compiled, and I knew he had activated the Izanagi.

His last one.

I didn’t land the killing blow like he expected. Instead I grabbed a nearby rock and swung it at his head. He dropped to the ground and I felt my anger boil as I jumped on him. He was under me and all the pain, all the anguish he had put me through channelled through me a million-fold until I was consumed by it. All I could see was red as I hit him again and again, until my knuckles bled, until the shape of his face was replaced by a mangled pulp of human flesh, until all my screaming and visceral violence had finally ended his life once more.

His body disappeared underneath me and he reappeared away, struggling to breathe. It didn’t matter that he could alter his reality to not have died. He had still experienced a violent death, and it still had affected him. He was weak and all he could do was run away now. He had no chakra, no strength, no Izanagi, and so I watched him limp away, clawing for his life pathetically. I threw several kunai into his back and two straight into his tendons and watched him fall to the ground. I walked up to him, feeling my blood boil once more.

“For all those children, for my parents, for Kusari,” I growled, as I turned him around and slammed him onto his back. I took a kunai and stabbed it into his palms, pinning him to the ground.

“I will not let you do t-this to Konoha. You a-are too much of a threat—” he growled.

He once again tried to activate the Reverse Four Symbols Sealing. It was his last-ditch suicide bomb he had used against Sasuke and Tobi in the story. I laughed as I pulled out my disarming tag made specifically for this jutsu and stopped it before it could take effect.

“What how—”

“I knew you would try this, just like you tried it with Sasuke. You think I only learnt to disarm the curse seal on my tongue? I learnt to disarm every single seal you knew,” I laughed manically.

“Sasuke?”

“You think you can kill yourself after what you’ve done?” I asked, as tears fell from my face and the pain of it all overtook me. “I’ll let you live on one condition.”

“W-what is it?” he asked.

“BRING THEM BACK. Bring back my kaasan and tousan! Bring back Kusari!” I shouted in fury as I shook him by the collar.

My vision was blurring, and the grief was too much. I felt the rage behind me, behind the sudden misery that had overtaken everything. The sense of loss that made my knees buckle and my body shiver was overwhelming.

“You are ruled by your emotions,” he said derisively. “You are the antithesis of ROOT. I should have killed you and your weakness earlier.”

“Then die by those emotions,” I cussed him, as I took out a kunai and cut open his stomach.

He screamed in agony as his stomach exposed itself to the air and his intestines trailed out. I felt a horrible laugh escape my throat, full of hatred and anger as I stabbed him again and again, making sure to miss his vitals and draw out his death for as long as I possibly could.

“Feel it all! It doesn’t even compare the pain you’ve caused hundreds of people! This isn’t even enough. Use the Izanagi again so I can kill you once more!” I shouted in rage.

The sound of the distant elephant summon stopped and I could feel the closing in of dozens of shinobi in the distance, but I didn’t stop in my brutality. I continued to carve his flesh mercilessly, feeling the red-hot anger inside of me boil over and out.

“Mark my words Danzo, I will not let you have peace even in the grave! I will ruin everything you worked for! Your legacy, your dreams, your ambitions- they are mine now! I will make sure to curse you in the grave as I did in life!”

To watch the horror in his eyes at my words, to see his spirit break was a catharsis unlike any other. I didn’t stop my brutality, not until Konoha shinobi dropped in front of me, and Danzo’s heart was in my blade, and his screams of agony had died with his life. I looked down at his mangled corpse, that barely even looked like him anymore. The blood of my parents on my hands were covered in his blood now, as was my whole body.

Like the crashing of a stormy shore weaning after a storm, the anger inside of me died into nothing. Beneath me was Danzo, dead and my loved ones avenged. In front of me were Konoha’s eyes. Inside of me was a hole that still wasn’t filled.

In the end my heart still ached.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> щ(ಥДಥщ) （＞д＜） ಥ╭╮ಥ .̯. ଘ_ଘ
> 
> This isn't the end of the ROOT arc yet, but it's the climax, and it's 50 chapters and 300k words. Honestly I'm floored by how much I was able to write for this one story, and it's given me the courage to start outlining a completely original epic fantasy piece. Just knowing I can stick with something this long blows my own mind. Honestly all your amazing feedback has motivated me so much and helped me along this fun journey. I'm excited to show you where I'm going to take things with this story because it'll not at all be how you imagine it (unless you're really good at predicting plots)
> 
> Give me your thoughts on Danzo's death, Hina's actions, and how you felt about the overall ROOT arc. Honest thoughts though! I don't mind if you admit to hating some parts or loving others. I just want some constructive criticism so I can improve and know what you readers want to see in the future. 
> 
> Anyway appreciate all you guys who stuck with me until this long! It's been so fun!


	51. Chapter 51

Snap Back To Reality 51

* * *

To think I would one day find myself in Konoha’s torture and interrogation ward. It did cross my mind several times to maybe join this sect with Anko in the future, live the rest of my life torturing people for better reasons than Orochimaru’s scientific research. Then I’d quickly throw away the idea, fantasising instead of a nice desk job working in Konoha’s R&D side, a 6am-5-pm job with weekends off and time to have some friendly spars on the side. Sitting here in the darkness, my hands chained firmly behind my back and caked blood drying uncomfortably on my body, I wondered if those dreams had meant anything.

I had killed Danzo, my greatest dream of all.

I had made him suffer and cry in his last moments, but all of that held no meaning now. It felt empty. The anger had gone and now all that was left was a familiar depressing grief. I didn’t even have the energy to look up when Yamanaka Inoichi walked into the room and placed a file down in front of me. It wasn’t until I noted the energy signatures of both the Hokage and another strong, unfamiliar face, that I finally looked up. I was surprised to see Uchiha Fugaku stand by the Hokage in this barren dark room.

“Suzuki Hina, you have committed a crime against Konoha for the unsanctioned murder of Elder Shimura Danzo and the murder of 350 Shinobi in ROOT proper,” Sarutobi said gravely as he put his hat down and sat opposite me.

I didn’t respond. What was there to say? I neither wanted to deny that claim nor cry about forgiveness. I didn’t regret what I did, just everything else in my life I had committed to get to this stage. No one was left who would purposefully harm my siblings. Now I could finally die in peace.

Hiruzen sighed and the deep lines of stress on his tired face caught my attention. I felt no sympathy for him. He had allowed all this to happen because of his wilful ignorance of his own subject. Some Hokage he was.

“Hina-san, I do not wish to torture you, nor do I wish to bring anymore distress to a child.”

I snarled at that. “Don’t pretend like you care about that.”

“Hold your tongue in front of the Hokage,” Fugaku growled.

Hiruzen turned around and shook his head, a silent tell for Fugaku to stand down. I glowered. What was it with this man and pretending to be some kind of kind fatherly presence? At least Danzo hadn’t lied about his intentions. This farce of his was a disgrace.

And what was Fugaku doing here? I could understand Inoichi, but Fugaku was an Uchiha and it was common knowledge that the Uchiha were being discriminated against by the Council.

“I am not going to pretend Danzo was a good man, and that you had no reason to kill him as you did, but I hope you understand the position this puts both you and Konoha in,” Hiruzen said.

“You mean how I activated the seals on every single ROOT agent and brought it to the ground and murdered Danzo in cold blood?” I asked in mild satisfaction.

Hiruzen nodded. Well whoopdie-fucking-dah, I still didn’t give a shit. I didn’t regret it one bit. I would do what I did again without hesitation if I was allowed to, and I would do it gladly. In fact it felt almost like torture that Danzo was dead now. This hate, this anger it still remained, overshadowed by a familiar tired grief that I was finally succumbing to now that he was gone and there was no extraneous motivation to keep me going. It made me wonder if death was so bad of an ending now…

“I’m going to be sentenced to death. Don’t sugar coat it, just give it to me straight and get it over with,” I huffed.

“We’re not so eager to sentence you to death,” Hiruzen said catching my attention.

I looked up curiously now. Fugaku for the first time since his defence of the Hokage spoke up.

“Danzo was found with Uchiha eyes embedded into his right arm, an arm we can confirm belongs to one of our Clansmen,” Fugaku said, his voice calm but his eyes furious.

I narrowed me eyes. I was not in the mood to implicate Orochimaru. As much of a shitty human being he was, a part of me did not want him to die. He had helped me against Danzo. Our fight would have gone much differently if he hadn’t tiered out the old bastard to let me have the easy pickings. Now that I thought about it, I could understand why he let me have Danzo. It wasn’t for any altruistic reason, but simply a way to keep his involvement in Danzo’s death minimal. It was why he didn’t summon Manda that night to fight Danzo’s elephant summon. It would implicate him instantly.

I would take the brunt of the fall for this while he could maintain that he wasn’t involved. I’m sure he had already come up with a way to dodge any accusations being pointed his way should I come out with the truth. In the end Orochimaru looked out for himself first and foremost, even if he did leave scraps of comfort for his followers should it benefit him. I couldn’t even bring myself to be angry. There was no reason to feel betrayal when there was no trust in the first place. We used each other and that was the crux of our messed up relationship… even if that bastard got me to care for him somehow.

“I want to ask for your permission to enter your mindscape Hina-san,” Inoichi finally asked.

“Pfft as if my consent ever mattered in this god-forsaken village,” I grunted. “If my opinion doesn’t change a thing then don’t bother asking.”

I knew I was being snappish, but honestly a part of me right now was too tired, too confused to think up of a good way to get out of this situation. I was still sitting here caked in Danzo’s blood, reeling from the high that had been his death. After such a high, I was reminded again what the low was. So even when Inoichi took the Hokage’s place, and he leaned forward, to complete the Mind Body Disturbance technique, I couldn’t find the energy within me to struggle or resist.

* * *

I found myself in a familiar nothingness except this time I had a form. When I turned around Inoichi looked like he was nauseous. He held his head and grunted in pain and confusion as he looked around. I didn’t blame him. This place fucking sucked. Had I died and bought him with me again or something?

“What is this?” Inoichi asked holding his head in pain.

“Honestly, I don’t think you could comprehend it if you tried,” I snorted derisively. “I’m just surprised you haven’t gone insane yet.”

“Why aren’t you affected?” he asked, struggling to move in this space.

“I guess I was given the knowledge to understand it by someone or something. I’m not sure. It happened when I had temporarily died. I guess you could say my mindscape is exactly like the after-life in a way,” I explained before I went to hold his hand.

Despite not wanting to be interrogated, I also didn’t want to end up killing someone for no reason at all. It was already surprising enough he wasn’t driven insane by just being here. His mental fortitude must have been really strong. So I willed myself deeper into my mind, somewhere where the laws of time and space weren’t in constant flux.

I found myself sitting on the outside porch of my house back in Australia, overlooking the lake that I had grown up living besides. I had missed this sight so much and looking at it now I remembered how much a part of me still grieved for my old life. It would have been perfect if the screaming and crying in the distant bushland hadn’t ruined it. It wasn’t until Inoichi groaned besides me, still recovering from my mindscape that I took notice of him.

“Are you feeling better here?” I asked.

“Much better,” he grunted. “I’m almost afraid to ask what that was back there.”

“Probably best if you don’t try and comprehend something beyond a mortal,” I chuckled humourlessly.

“And what exactly are you?” he asked looking at me with wary interest.

“I’m… hmmm maybe not a mortal anymore,” I said unsure, trying to ignore the screams in the distance.

“And what are those sounds?” he asked.

“All the people I’ve killed over the years,” I replied, feeling the weight of their souls once more.

“All your psychological evaluations expressed how healthily you’ve dealt with your situation. I’m surprised you’ve been able to hide it this well,” he said frowning.

I must be a sight huh. An eleven-year-old with enough trauma to rival that of ten grown men. I never let it show. How could I? What was I meant to do? Brood all day, every day like an angst ridden Uchiha and make my family and friends worry?

“I’ve grown numb to their cries over the years,” I admitted. “There’s only so much guilt I could take before I gave up on it all.”

“You’ve given up on yourself?” Inoichi pressed.

I sighed, finding no reason to hide this from him. “I was warned against it. Someone once told me that there were more important things than even your loved ones, that I shouldn’t lose my soul on the way of my cause. But I have lost it. Now that he’s dead and the hatred doesn’t drive me any further, I wonder if it was worth taking all those lives. If the lives of my brothers were worth my soul.”

It wasn’t the screams of the people I had killed in battle that were shouting in the distance. I realised those cries. It was the blood curdling screams of dozens of people I’d killed alongside Orochimaru in his experiments. The others were the moans and pleas of the children I had killed in ROOT. Killing was inevitable. Killing in war had been for survival, and that was fine. What I had done under the orders of Orochimaru and Danzo however… the lives of those innocent children I killed in the darkness, of the men and woman ripped from their human rights on a metal table, for the innocent merchant I wronged as equally as I tainted Anko simply to get away with murder. I had committed the same crimes to others that Danzo had committed to me... and a selfish part of me wondered if my actions were worth the price of my brothers lives.

To think Satomi-san’s advice would one day ring true to me. Hadn’t my mothers warned me in my nightmares too? I never listened. Now all I could do was sit here feeling empty, knowing it was what I deserved.

“You clawed onto survival and did horrible things to ensure your family was safe. Hina-san, some might call that true sacrifice. What you’re feeling now is a lack of self-respect and love for yourself because of the actions you committed that were inherently against your moral code.”

I blinked up at the Yamanaka in confusion and chuckled. He raised a brow and I waved it away with an amused smile.

“I thought you were here to interrogate me, not give me a free therapy session,” I said in tired amusement.

“I can feel out an individual quite quickly. There is no such thing as a good human. We are but the actions we choose to commit, some more good than bad, some more bad than good. It isn’t so easy to determine how to live. What is good to one may be bad to another, and so I know what kind of person you are Hina. You are selfish in love, and so selfless with your own well-being. The typical self-destructive sort. I get quite a lot of your type on the daily basis. Don’t think you’re special or anything,” he said with a light jesting smile that I found myself relieved to receive.

“You get a bunch of idiots who have killed their own parents and hate themselves?” I asked with a small smile as I tried to recover some levity to these tiresome dark conversations.

“Not exactly that scenario, but close enough.”

“Huh, this world really fucking sucks.”

“It does, so help me understand what happened leading up to Shimura Danzo’s murder tonight. Believe it or not, the Hokage does not want to execute you. You will have to stand in trial, but you will have our support, but to do that we need evidence to support you.”

Inoichi held out his hands and I hesitated. He was surprisingly good at moving speeches. Even though a cynical part of me reminded me this was a technique to simply get him a free and safe entry into my perilous mind, that he was just trying to have me warm up to him, I couldn’t help but like him. Plus I really had nothing much to lose considering I was on my way to the chopping block soon.

All I would logically have to somehow do was keep him away from any reincarnation memory that eluded to future knowledge, or anything to do with Orochimaru’s experiments so I wouldn’t get implicated on the way. A part of me couldn’t be bothered to cover it up either, feeling too tired to keep hiding it all. I let out a deep breath and took his hand. He helped me up and took me to the backdoor of my old house.

“What’s behind that door?” I asked.

“For you, I’m not so sure. Your mindscape is unusual, but normally it’s how I access memories,” he said.

I held his hand a little tighter and nodded. Then after feeling childishly reassured that he was beside me, I opened the door, closed my eyes, and entered.

When I opened my eyes again, I was met with a long wooden hallway, stretching as far as the eye could see and lit rather well. Inoichi looked rather unfazed to so I began moving forward curiously. There were pictures on the wall, pictures of my past life, all moving. It started when I was a baby, and I presumed the more we went in the older I would get in those pictures. The doors had large locks on them, surprisingly.

“Do you know who this child is in these pictures?” he asked.

“It’s me,” I said, rubbing my neck nervously.

To think the first person I would ever tell of my reincarnation in this world would be Inoichi of all people. I had just met the guy and so it felt wrong to spill such closely guarded secrets. Apparently, he was waiting for an explanation while I had been awkwardly silent.

“I have memories of a past life, from another world—no— _universe_ entirely.”

Inoichi blinked in shock then let out a kind of worried sigh as he pushed his blonde hair out of his face. The poor man was probably having a little panic attack. I doubted very many people could confirm exactly what might happen when you die. Considering he had been in a place that existed outside of times normal rules not a moment before and was still standing here able to take things relatively calmly was rather impressive.

“Reincarnation of all things,” he said in disbelief as he pulled at his chin. “You’re correct if this was a split personality you two would have appeared together. And what do you mean by another universe?”

“Well the Elemental Nations didn’t exist where I came from before. No chakra or jutsu or shinobi either. It was a different world, with different constellations, and a different history,” I explained.

I kept the fact that this world was in a story out of the conversation. I wasn’t in the mood to open up the can of worms that would come from that single admission alone. The fact that I was a reincarnation should occupy Inoichi’s mind long enough though. Eventually we did get going after being unable to open the doors of my previous life’s memories. It was only until we got to the ROOT based memories that we stopped at the doors.

“This is where it began?” Inoichi asked.

I nodded. “I was recruited when I was near the age of 7. The induction was a slow process. I would go every few nights at random for months on end while I also trained with Inuzuka Gaku. He of course became suspicious of my injuries. During this time I had come up with a breathing technique that increases the users blood flow and by extent oxygen and chakra production. Because of its similarity to opening a Gate, I was taken in by Orochimaru as a student.”

“Shall we start from when you activated the breathing technique?” Inoichi asked.

I nodded. Then I opened the door into my memories.

* * *

The memory blurred by too quickly for me to dwell on it. I gripped hard onto Inoichi's hand, feeling all too small before realising that I in fact was. I was physically seven again, and sitting inside the room where I was first questioned.

_“How are you holding up?” he asked._

_“Just peachy,” I replied, cracking a grin of my own._

_“It says here you’ve been to the front lines on Orochimaru-sama’s team despite being a Genin.”_

_“Ah yes, I have,” I nodded agreeably, keeping my smile firmly in place._

_“I’ve taken note of your training. It seems like you’re quite a hard worker Hina-chan. What makes you so dedicated to getting stronger?”_

_“Well I’m sure you have notes on my physical condition when I was born—the abundance of yin chakra,” I supplied._

_“Yes, but that doesn’t really explain why you train so hard does it? You’ve overcome this condition, there’s no need to push yourself anymore,” he said._

_“Ah, well it’s simple actually,” I said humming, as if to feign thinking. “I don’t want to be expendable.”_

"To dress it up as a psyche evaluation," Inoichi grunted shaking his head in disgust.

I felt uncomfortable viewing these moments alone with him. To think my life would be viewed by someone else was invasive in a way I had never been intruded on before and countless men and women had attacked me whilst I was naked in a shower, so that said something. I shook my head and stayed silent, feeling too childish in my need to keep holding Inoichi's hands despite him being this source of discomfort.

"Did anything else happen after you left?" he asked.

I paused and frowned. To Inoichi I shouldn't have any reason to know about ROOT at this stage. He didn't know about my foreknowledge of this world and its people.

"I suspected something was up," I said, keeping my lies hidden in truth. "Before I could alert anyone a ROOT agent was sent to trail me. I could sense him because of my mild sensory abilities at the time."

"And you knew to keep your head down at that age?" Inoichi asked.

"While I was often overtaken by childish emotions—" I said consciously pulling my hands away from his, "—I also retained my adult reasoning. The emotions of my childish body though are... hard to control. I thought I could wait a few days, shake of suspicion and then tell Shikaku or Gaku-sensei at the time for help—but ROOT didn’t give me the time to do so."

And just like that the scene changed and I was in ROOT's familiar underground system. This time standing in a line as Hakanai beat down defenceless children again and again until their bones were broken and they could stand no more. I couldn't help but inch closer to Kusari who stood in the line, blue eyes wide and blurry with fearful tears. I touched his cheeks unable to truly feel them under my fingers and the tears that sprung from my eyes made me feel numb once more.

"Hina get a hold of yourself. Your emotions are affecting your mindscape," Inoichi warned from behind me.

I noted how blurry everyone else had become in my memory. I nodded silently and stepped away from the boy I had failed. A warm hand fell on my shoulder in a familiar reassuring way that reminded me of Gaku and father.

"That boy was the one assigned to your recent mission, wasn't he?"

"Kusari—h-he was my partner. ROOT assigns each of its members to a partner, so we can get close before we're forced to kill each other. It’s a way to solidate our devotion to ROOT and kill our emotions."

I noted how Inoichi's hands stiffened at that. Had he not known? I shook my head. These memories were pointless.

"Now you have seen a fraction of what I had to go through under Danzo's thumb. I don't want to drudge up any more painful memories," I said gritting my teeth.

"I know it must be hard, but we need the full picture," Inoichi apologised.

"What for?" I snapped. “The Hokage already knew of these things. He simply did nothing about them. What more could he possibly want to know about— oh… This was a mistake! I should not have let you in here. You don't want to help me. You want to implicate Orochimaru!”

I snapped the both of us out of my memories and back into the corridor. Inoichi sighed and pulled his frazzled hair out of his face. I scowled at him, wondering why the hell I had been so trusting of the man. Had he done something to me with some mind-fucking jutsu to get me to listen to him? Either way I had no intention of letting him in further.

“I really didn’t want to force any of this on you Hina-san, but you must understand the position you are in.”

“—In an interrogation room being questioned about killing a fucker I have no regrets on killing. Don’t bother with a trial then. Just end my life and save yourself the trouble,” I hissed.

“Believe it or not, I don’t want you to die. We just want to know what Orochimaru is planning so he can’t do to others what he’s done to you. We have had a pin on Danzo’s movements for a long time, but Orochimaru has been hiding his tracks too well, and I know you’re hiding something about him,” Inoichi said straightforwardly probably trying to come of as trustworthy. I’d been betrayed enough times to know that I shouldn’t give into my emotions.

I couldn’t help but snort in a humourless chuckle. Yeah, right. As if I was just going to bow to the Hokage’s whims now that he suddenly wanted to actually do his job. I doubted Orochimaru didn’t have a contingency plan in case Konoha did decide to turn on him. I didn’t doubt they’d do the same to me as I’d been a part of his experiments, but while it wasn’t an ideal scenario, I was sure there were alternative plans in play.

Plus it seemed Inoichi didn’t understand the workings of my unique mind enough to force himself into my memories. He needed my explicit permission, and he wouldn’t get it. I also didn’t think the Hokage would torture me too hard. For all his neglect on the blatant child abuse that had been going on, he was too soft to do it himself.

“Orochimaru-sama has done some things that Konoha would not approve of, that is no lie, but it is nothing worse than what Danzo did himself,” I finally retorted.

“Why are you defending him?” Inoichi asked.

“Because he is my… sensei,” I said with prolonged distaste at the last word. “And he’s a man I’m greatly indebted to. I won’t bother to pretend he’s a good man, or someone who did me no wrong, but he is _useful_ to me.”

I didn’t want to admit that I had grown to care for him. That a part of me did begin to see him as an ally despite how much it hurt to know that he was in fact someone who did detestable things. Human experimentation and torture, the two things I had become familiarly introduced to under his hand, and yet—he took me away from ROOT’s torture, gave me the tools to become stronger, and he helped me defeat Danzo.

“I’m truly sorry Hina-san.”

“What—”

Before I could do anything else, Inoichi jabbed grabbed my head, his thumb digging into the middle of my forehead and his other hand pressing his thumb into my chest. I felt my world tilt suddenly as memories flashed through my eyes at an insane speed. I struggled to process the world as it went by, all those memories and the emotions that came with them welled up inside of me all at once. The euphoria when I killed Hakanai, the disgust when I experimented on a man on the metal table for the first time, the absolute agony that was the night I murdered my parents, the tiredness of the torture after, and then the fresh wound of my failure in Kiri hit me and I screamed. Inoichi’s chakra was flung out of my system sharply as the pain overtook me.

I let out the energy that had been building inside of me in a cry of intense pain, and then I stumbled forward and onto the ground, feeling my mind creak and break until I was flung somewhere deeper inside. The deafening sound of a door shutting instantly cut off all those emotions, leaving my mind blank suddenly, and the corridor ahead of me dark and colourless. I looked around in confusion, feeling oddly muted when I should be panicked, and when I turned to see if Inoichi was there, I was relieved to see he wasn’t. I turned back into the corridor and walked down, feeling the span of time and space enter a kind of stabilised fluidity, like it had a pathway this time instead of an infinitely indiscernible number of branches.

When I moved forward, I saw thousands of boxes as far as the eye could see and I walked to the closest one. My old body stood motionless inside. It was unmistakably my old face and body. I turned around to the glass box to the other end of the corridor and was met with the body of a man I couldn’t recognise. He wore old Spanish style clothing with some kind of odd chest brace. This box however was bound in chains. Then as I walked down, met with countless bodies bound in chains I began to realise what was going on.

“My past lives,” I whispered.

My heart hammered faster in growing fearful panic, but my expressions remained as passive as a stone wall. There were too many boxes, too many lives, and as I ran down trying desperately to see and end, I felt my mind spin in fear.

NO, NO, NO

This couldn’t be my fate. It couldn’t… I couldn’t keep doing this. Once was enough to nearly break me. If I could remember this life in my next, and if that pattern repeated again and again, I would truly shatter to my core.

‘You shouldn’t be here. You seem to be good at being in places you’re not meant to be.’

“P-please make me forget! I beg of you! Don’t let me remember. End this cycle after this life,” I begged in desperation at the disembodied voice.

‘I have tried and failed. There is another like you. They have remembered for a millennium and have not yet come with a solution.’

I stopped running after hearing that. A thousand years… this could go on for an eternity and there would be no end? Even through the thicket of a fog that had come over my emotions in this dark grey room, I was beginning to feel the onset of a profound panic, and the ringing of death in my ears. The sound got louder and louder until I snapped.

* * *

I felt like I couldn’t breathe as I shot up from the chair and bounded back as the chains strained to hold my panic. The hands on my shoulder pushing me down and the stern voices telling me to breathe barely registered at first, until the beating of my heart slowed down and the ringing in my ears died. I was left panting and utterly drained. A horror had set into my heart. I couldn’t die again. I couldn’t go through that ever again. To be ripped from one world to the next for all of eternity.

I didn’t want to die.

Never before had I been so afraid of death, that the thought itself paralysed me. I had always accepted my own mortality. The idea that I lived a fulfilling life mattered more than the end, but now it felt like even that ideal was twisted into something rotten. I had lived for my family. I had atoned by my parent’s deaths by killing Danzo. My debt was paid. So why was I being tortured like this?

“Hina!”

I snapped my attention up to see Inoichi’s fingers in front of my face, snapping away. I realised my breathing had gotten laboured and I had nearly fallen into a panic attack. I cleared my mind and went through my breathing exercises.

“Why—w-why would you do that to me?” I asked Inoichi breathlessly.

“I did not anticipate such a violent reaction. It’s not normally the case,” Inoichi said with a grimace.

“Is she mentally well?” Hiruzen asked.

“I cannot say for sure. If what I saw in there was true, then Hina’s mindscape is entirely unique compared to anyone else I have ever seen.”

“Don’t ever expect to get in there again,” I hissed. “Or I’ll lock you up in eternity until you go insane.”

Inoichi seemed to visibly falter at that threat, but both Hiruzen and Fugaku bordered more on the displeased. I had probably spoken too out of line, but I was too angry to care. I snarled at Hiruzen in growing anger.

“If you want to put away your student, how about you confront him personally instead of resorting to these lowly tricks.”

“I think you’re forgetting that we’re Shinobi, Hina-chan,” Hiruzen replied with a forced smile.

I scowled at that. Why did he have to go and be logical? Now I looked like an idiot. I composed myself and sat back in the chair trying to regain the dignity that I had already inevitably lost.

“Hokage-sama, there are things we need to talk about in private,” Inoichi said changing the subject.

I faltered at his request. What had he seen when he browsed through my memories? Had he seen it or was it simply something I felt? If he caught wind of my future knowledge, then things would take a bad turn. I didn’t have the luxury of dying anymore. This life wasn’t an atonement like I thought it was. It was a fucking mistake, a mistake that could happen again if I were to keep remembering all my lives.

“Well then, I must take my leave Hina-chan. You will not be allowed any visitors until after your trial, but I want you to know I am on your side. Name one person you want to talk to before the trial and I will grant it to you.”

My lips thinned and I narrowed my eyes at the man. What would he gain besides some weak brownie points from me by doing this? Maybe he planned to listen into the conversation and seeing as how he showed clear aptitude in the more underhanded side of being a Shinobi, I wouldn’t put it past him. There was only ever one person that I felt safe talking to… the only person outside of my team I trusted wholly to never betray me.

“I wish to talk to Inuzuka Gaku.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahaha (laughs nervously) this is probably going to be a really controversial spin on the traditional si/oc. I know some people don’t like exploring how si/oc’s get to another world, they just want the concept of them being there. Which is fair, but also not what I was going for with my story. It was the reason why I sprinkled a lot of little easter eggs about how Earth is connected to the Elemental Nations. If anyone can find the quote that practically explains it all, I’ll—I don’t know—I’ll give you a call out or something XD
> 
> Also Hina is not really afraid of death as much as she is afraid of ending up remembering her past lives and constantly being ripped from one world to another. For someone like her, that’s her own brand of a personal hell.


	52. End of Part 1

Snap Back To Reality 52

* * *

I waited patiently in my cell for hours until the door opened, and I was greeted by a welcome but worried face. Gaku didn't even hesitate to bypass the table to bend down by my chair and pull me into a hug. I would have liked to hug him back but my hands were still shackled behind my back and so I settled for resting my forehead on his shoulder. He had this effect on me—making me feel unnecessarily safe. Not even having the backing of a Sannin could provide the same comfort which confused me. Gaku was considerably less strong than some of the people I knew, but it was like only his opinion mattered in the end.

“I heard what you did to Danzo. Can’t say I blame you,” he chuckled wryly in worry before he pulled away, a frown marring his face as he held my shoulders and looked me in the eye and asked, “Did it help?”

I faltered for a moment at his question. My face twisted in a grimace, I gritted my teeth together in shame as I closed my eyes and shook my head. No it hadn’t. It hadn’t helped, not in the slightest. Beyond the hate was only a debilitating emotion that seemed to weigh me down, a hatred that directed inwards instead of at Danzo.

“You were trying to survive kiddo. I know you. Your heart has always been in the right place.”

“It isn’t, it really isn’t,” I whispered. “I don’t regret what I did to Danzo… just everything I had done to get to him. And to you, the one person who I know won’t ever leave me, I’ve lied to,” I admitted.

Gaku pulled away from the hug and waited patiently for me to continue. It looked like he didn’t know what to say, and I couldn’t blame him. He was big and strong and reliable, but he wasn’t the kind to be any of those things with words as he was with his actions. I felt the urge to be open with him, but a small part of me was still holding onto my secrets. I think I always would hold onto the world changing knowledge I possessed. Even imagining the thought of handing over such valuable information made my hair stand on edge. What could be done with it in the wrong hands? But to Gaku, I wanted to tell everything.

“I’m no child. This isn’t even the first life I’ve lived. In my previous life I was a scientist, and for some reason I’ve come to this world. I thought—maybe it had to do with my failings. I had lost a loved one because of my stupidity, and I thought this life was an atonement for that… but I just ended up making things even worse.”

I hated the tears that fell at this deep secret. Admitting it just made it more real. Now I was showing my weakness in front of someone… something I hadn’t done since Guy comforted me a long time ago. I would have continued crying if Gaku hadn’t hit me over the head in a very awkward karate chop. When I looked up, his expression wasn’t one of anger or betrayal or even disappointment, he simply looked sad.

“Kami—that’s really hard to believe and I’ll need to get back to you on the reincarnation thing, but what I do know for certain is, you’ve always been too hard on yourself. One day you’ll realise you’re only human, and then you’ll learn to take your failures like you take your victories.”

“Are you activating that elusive sensei wisdom?” I sniffled and tried to crack a joke like usual to lighten up the depressing mood.

Normally Gaku would laugh along, tell me that it was typical of me to try and divert people from my emotions, but his expression didn’t change. He still looked sad and stern and so my attempt at humour died and I was confronted with the same mood as before. Why? Why wouldn’t he let me deflect this time? If he didn’t, I really would devolve into some useless blubbering mess.

“Hina, I never told you this before, but even if you say you are a reincarnation or something equally as ridiculous. It doesn’t change a thing. To me and Nami, you have always been like our child to us. Before you came into our lives, we had tried many times for a child. Every single one of them were stillborn, and Nami— well she had lost that light in her eyes until you came around for dinner. It doesn’t matter what you do Hina, even if you lose sight of yourself, nothing will change the fact that you are family to me.”

I was caught off-guard by Gaku’s words. Never before had he ever told me about their miscarriages. I had always speculated, but I had never asked, and to hear I was like his child… I couldn’t put the feeling into words. It was like there were no bounds in this relationship, none that would break it, and I was truly grateful. I put my head on his shoulder, trying to hold back my tears. His big arms wrapping around me just made me want to cry harder.

“My only regret was that I couldn’t be there for you when it mattered,” he said softly

Gaku had never cried in front of me in my entire life, and to feel his tears drop onto my shoulders had been like a slap.

“S-stupid sensei, it was never your fault,” I chuckled through ugly sobs.

I was flicked on the forehead. “The same goes for you my stupid student.”

I sniffled before I smiled his way. I quickly got to wiping the tears dramatically on his shoulders since I couldn’t use my hands before I stuck my tongue out at his grossed-out face. We both chuckled and I was glad that he hadn’t let me deflect like I normally did.

“Sensei, I have one request of you tomorrow,” I finally said.

“What is it?” he asked.

“Can you bring me my father’s omamori. If I die tomorrow, I want to hold it one last time.”

Gaku flicked my forehead again and I scowled. He stood up and moved to the door before he turned around.

“I’ll bring you your omamori, but I will not allow anyone to touch a hair on your head.”

The truly frightening thing was, I had never seen Gaku put on such a determined and terrifying face. Someone had kicked the lying wolf and they would regret it. I nodded his way, a small smile taking my tired face.

“See you tomorrow kiddo.”

“See you tomorrow,” I nodded.

Then I watched in trepidation as he left me alone once more in the cell. Just one promise from him, even as ridiculous as it was, made me feel entirely safe. I had never believed in anyone so much before in my life.

* * *

I didn’t know whether it was a blessing or a waste that I was allowed to get cleaned and change into a plain grey kimono before the trial. It would have been amusing in its own right to go there drenched in Danzo’s blood, but that would also paint me as a maniac and not in a sympathetic light. I figured the reason they gave me such a large kimono was to exaggerate my childish proportions and make me more agreeable. Maybe Sarutobi really didn’t want me dead…

Either way I was escorted out of my cell by several ANBU to where the hearing was going to be held. It was close to the administrations rooms near the Hokage’s office, but it was a bit of a walk from where I was being held, and although I was escorted away from the main streets, a sizeable number of people still did crowd around to gawk. I could hear their whispers, some talking about how I had murdered my mother, that her madness had been passed down to me, and how I’d be executed for killing a Councilman. It wasn’t very reassuring words, all things considered, but I remembered Gaku’s promise and I sure as hell knew he hadn’t been idle the whole day after our meeting. He probably went to convince the Inuzuka Clan Head to vote in my favour. I had no doubt Shikaku would too, despite being against my plan earlier to kill Danzo. Now that the deed was done, I didn’t think he would be petty enough to want me dead. He had for a better part of my childhood raised me with Hanami despite his betrayal. That had to mean something.

The other clans… I wasn’t so sure of. The Uchiha had potential considering Danzo had killed their members and used their eyes, which was a gross overstepping of their rights, but he was also a logical man and knowing that I had destroyed a chunk of Konoha’s forces during the war would no doubt sour my reputation in his eyes. The Hyuuga, Aburame, Yamanaka, Sarutobi and Akimichi clans were up in the air.

It was with these thoughts that I entered the circular building. I was met by the rather imposing sight of an amphitheatre, with Hiruzen in the middle wearing his full Hokage garb. Around him was the various Clan heads and besides him were my biggest obstacles Homura Mitokado and Koharu Utatane the two remaining councilmen. I was sure Konoha’s legal system for matters of this case was a simple majority vote and then a long tedious discussion. At least it was a lot simpler than the court system back in my old world

I was escorted by two ANBU into the centre of the room, on a semi-circle like stand where I faced my judges. For once Hiruzen actually looked rather intimidating. Guess he could put on the Hokage face when it mattered. I scanned the rest of the room and was surprised to find Gaku sitting beside Inuzuka Nakano, the Clan’s heiress, being the only non-Clan Head in the meeting. He sent me a determined look and I smiled the best Kakashi smile I could, getting me a couple of confused looks. Really internally all of this was a little too intimidating, but I didn’t want to show that weakness. My attention turned to the Hokage when my name was called out.

“Suzuki Hina, you have been called today under Konoha’s Clan-heads and Councilmen under the charges of the illegal and unsanctioned massacre of 350 estimated ROOT Shinobi, and the murder of one Shimura Danzo. Do you reject these claims?” Hiruzen began.

“No I do not,” I said as clearly and succinctly as I could.

Dozens of members turned to look at each other and I turned my eye to Shikaku who was sitting there with his arms folded and face stern. I turned my attention back to the Hokage who looked to be in much the same position. They probably had to look as impartial as possible.

“Is there anything you would like to add to your defence?”

“I do,” I said nodding my head.

“Proceed.”

“I do not for even a minute regret what I did to both Danzo and ROOT, and if I had the opportunity again, I would not hesitate to repeat my earlier actions,” I began unapologetically.

Koharu shot up in indignation, although despite how irritated she looked she managed to settle into a tone of voice that befitted a hearing. “The girl admits to her crimes and is unrepentant. It is as if she is welcoming her sentence. Should we not give it to her?”

“Shall we finish hearing her out first?” Hiruzen asked, and Koharu reluctantly nodded.

I took in a deep breath. “The reason I do not regret my actions is because Danzo was the perpetuator of several crimes against the village that would no doubt be punished by execution itself. I had been recruited at the age of 7 into ROOT against my will, in which time I had been branded with a cursed seal, tortured, made to partake in battles that ended in a fellow shinobi’s death, and recently sent out on a mission where I was told to smuggle in Kekkai Genkai wielding children into ROOT’s indoctrination system. Furthermore Danzo had committed crimes against Konoha’s citizens, including the Uchiha Clan in which he stole 6 Sharingan eyes and grafted them into his right arm. I took his life and the life of those that followed him because he was a threat to his own people.”

That did get a couple of Clan-head’s attention. While they no doubt had read the case file it was still a grave claim. Not only was stealing a Doujutsu a massive crime, but I had also insinuated that Hiruzen had known of these events and not acted on them. I had no real way of knowing if he did in fact know about Danzo thieving the Uchiha Doujutsu, but that wasn’t what I was really worried about anyway.

“Not a threat to you?” Homura asked in scepticism.

I tried not to scowl, but I unfortunately had volatile emotions that came with being a kid. Keeping my composure was a lot harder than it ever had been as an adult.

“He had already gone past being a threat to me. I was forced to kill my own parents under the threat that if I weren’t to obey that my entire family would be murdered. Danzo set me and my team up on a suicide mission—”

I looked at the Hokage briefly and he narrowed his eyes. I would need to stop talking it seemed. I took in a deep breath and fixed up my collar. It wouldn’t do me any good spouting S class mission secrets, even in a court hearing where it mattered.

“The things he ordered me to do, I couldn’t keep doing and so I decided to take matters into my own hands. That is why I am not repentant about my actions,” I said settling back into a less aggravated tone.

“Permission to speak Hokage-sama,” Hiashi asked.

“Proceed.”

I hadn’t expected the Hyuuga to give in their input, so I was unsure of what exactly was coming. Hiashi seemed stern but reasonable though so maybe his criticisms would be fair and not tilt opinion of me negatively.

“There is no doubt that Danzo was not innocent. The Doujutsu found on his arm was confirmation enough. The question is not if Suzuki-san is innocent, but if she was justified in his murder. Not only are we at war now on two fronts, but already a sizeable portion of our army is tired and many retired from injuries. During a period like this, Suzuki-san’s actions could be what potentially destroys Konoha’s chance at the war. A Shinobi puts aside personal issues for the greater good of their Village. By that definition alone she is a traitor to her people.”

Hiashi was making too much sense for my liking and it didn’t help that all the Clan elders were stoic to a fault right now. It was hard to tell who’s side they were taking. I had of course anticipated this viewpoint, but it was tricky to retort to. The only thing I could do was take the emotional route, and appeal to their values.

“Shikaku do you wish to speak?”

“Hai Hokage-sama,” the man said as he leaned forward.

“Proceed.”

“I do admit that 350 Shinobi is no small amount, but I want to note that those 350 shinobi weren’t in adherence to Konoha’s ideals. They were shinobi who followed the orders of Danzo solely. This is a man who has been proven to not only show a lack of value to Konoha’s people but committed crimes in secret using the Village’s name. It could be argued that because he was already a traitor to his Village that anyone supporting him would therefore also be considered equally traitorous. What Suzuki-san did was not murder by that definition but an execution of village traitors, traitors whom we have tolerated for the sake of a drawn-out war. During these uncertain times, the loss of 350 Shinobi is nothing in comparison to the threat of their potential for internal sabotage and betrayal. I therefore believe that what Suzuki-san did was a service to our Village and its ideals.”

I hadn’t expected Shikaku of all people to present such an argument for me. I knew this wasn’t ideal for him, that he would have preferred ROOT to exist for a while longer, but I was glad I didn’t get his character wrong. He wasn’t petty enough to want me dead after I had gone against his wishes to wait. His first allegiance was always going to be towards the Village, but that didn’t mean he lacked any commitment to its individuals. But for him to present such a bias argument for me, it meant that he truly didn’t want me to fail, and as the Jounin Commander, he was more than just a Clan-head, he was someone with strategic thinking. His words had more weight.

“Thank you, Shikaku-san.”

The Aburame Clan-head rose his hands.

“Proceed.”

“In my eyes the morality of the situation is not the issue. It is simply the fact that Suzuki-san acted on her own and dismantled a Konoha sanctioned of-chute of ANBU. While I had been unaware of its presence, that does not mean it wasn’t an authorized force within Konoha’s Shinobi. Therefore Suzuki-san’s actions are in direct violation of Konoha’s government, and she should be judged accordingly. Unless ROOT was an off-the books private force,” the man said turning his next accusation towards the Hokage himself too.

I was a little shocked how brutally honest the Aburame were. I had only worked with a few, and they had been quiet, and this was possibly the first time I’d heard one of them speak more than 3 sentences at once, but it was succinct and straight to the point while also holding a kind of curtly venomous sting. Throwing an accusation in the form of a roundabout question at the Hokage himself made me wonder if this man really did value law and order that much. The biggest question however was whether or not Hiruzen himself would acknowledge his hand in Danzo’s unlawful schemes.

“You do not question the Hokage in a hearing not pertaining to him,” Koharu retorted sharply.

Hiruzen held up a hand and stopped her from speaking out of turn. He let out a small sigh. Was he going to speak? Wasn’t this court hearing about me though? Why was this suddenly about Hiruzen?

“Shibi-san is well within his rights to question my involvement. I will admit to my fault in this matter. I had given Danzo too much power, which cost countless of Konoha citizens under my care’s lives, but my fate is not to be decided today. Today is the trial of Suzuki Hina. Does anyone else have anything to say?”

I was surprised by Hiruzen admitting his faults. For some reason it felt like he was blinded to them, but maybe I was wrong about that. Maybe he did know. That didn’t change the fact that he had the power to stop Danzo a lot earlier and didn’t have the will to go through with it. All those lives were still partially on him, as much as it was on me.

The next Clan-head to voice their opinion was Inuzuka Nakano.

“Permission to speak Hokage-sama,” she said boldly.

“Proceed.”

She sent me a smile and Gaku nodded besides her. I tried to keep my expression neutral. Out of all the Clans, the Inuzuka never bothered hiding away their emotions, instead they seemed rather incapable of doing so. Even though Nakano sat in an appropriate way, she looked far too emotionally invested in this. Maybe Gaku really had given her the most sugar-coated view of me he could.

“I disagree completely with Shibi-san. It’s not just about the law in Suzuki-chan’s case. She was wronged on a personal and criminal level by Danzo. If he were simply another Shinobi, then we wouldn’t even be having this hearing right now, but because of his perceived importance we are. Suzuki-chan, you were forced to commit crimes against your own family correct?”

“Correct,” I said nodding.

“See there you go. To threaten someone with the lives of their family is dishonourable, especially when said family is civilian. There is also the fact that Suzuki-chan, is a child, with considerable talent sure, but still a child. What she did was out of desperation for her comrades and family’s safety, not for any nefarious purpose. She embodied the Will of Fire in her actions. She committed acts against her parents to save her siblings which shows her dedication to her precious people, a trait mind you, that we encourage in our Shinobi. As for her actions against the 350 ROOT agents, that is something she did after he threatened to kill her correct? I am assuming these agents would have been ready to attack. Is that correct Suzuki-chan?”

“That is correct,” I said.

“Then she was simply protecting herself, and it is every Shinobi’s right to do so. Therefore Suzuki Hina has the full-most support of the Inuzuka Clan.”

I swear the Akimichi head and the Yamanaka head had just nodded along in agreement. I couldn’t help but smile slightly at Gaku and Nakano. Unfortunately for me it seemed the councilmen, the Aburame and the Hyuuga wanted to execute me, which was still four votes too many. Without the Hokage allowed to be involved in this vote for partiality reasons, that only put me at a definite vote from Nara, Inuzuka, Yamanaka and the Akimichi. I still had no idea what Fugaku was thinking, and he was the deciding vote. I felt my neck itch terribly, but I held back and controlled my breathing and my expression. I didn’t want to die… didn’t want to be dragged somewhere else after this again, but if I was to die, I wanted some dignity at least.

“Permission to speak,” Fugaku finally spoke up.

“Proceed.”

“I disagree with Inuzuka-san. Suzuki Hina acted purely for personal reasons regarding Shimura Danzo’s murder. I was involved in the team that found the body, and it was mutilated beyond recognition. What Suzuki Hina did was calculated and brutal, and the wounds found on Danzo’s body indicated she took pleasure in prolonging his suffering as long as possible. Is that correct Suzuki Hina?”

“That is correct,” I said frowning.

“However, despite this if it weren’t for her actions, we would not have gotten justice for the Doujutsu stolen from our Clan. Danzo forfeit his rights as a citizen of Konoha the moment he committed crimes against its people. Suzuki Hina has done nothing but kill a traitor in my eyes, and by extension ROOT was traitorous by association.”

With that said Fugaku sat back down. There was a moment of silence where I wondered if the Akimichi were going to give their say, but no one else decided on a vote. I sent Fugaku a look. It all really did hinge on him. I doubted there was much I could do in the way of escaping a whole Village unless someone aided me.

“If no one else wishes to speak, we will begin our vote. All against Suzuki Hina raise their hands.”

I held my breath as the Aburame, Hyuuga and Councilmen raised their hands. I turned my eyes to Fugaku, but he wasn’t looking at me. Hiruzen waited for a few seconds, a few seconds that stretched far too long to be comfortable. To my absolute relief Fugaku did not raise his hands.

“All for Suzuki Hina raise their hands.”

The Akimichi, Inuzuka, Nara, Yamanaka and Uchiha raised their hands on my defence.

“Then today’s hearing goes in Suzuki Hina’s favour. You are hereby considered not guilty for the murder of Shimura Danzo and the illegal dismantling of unsanctioned massacre of ROOT Shinobi.”

I sighed in relief as I palmed the omamori my dad had given me years ago. I closed my eyes and wondered if this would give me some closure, but I didn’t feel any different. I thought I would be escorted out by now, but the Hokage stood up and caught everyone’s attention.

“Before you go, there is one more announcement I wish to make.”

This caught all the Clan-heads attention as they sat back down and looked at the Hokage.

“There is no doubt that this hearing would not have needed to be held if it weren’t for me. I had direct knowledge of many of ROOT’s operations and had approved of Danzo’s plan to form ROOT during its creation. Therefore as Hokage the direct blame for the crimes ROOT has committed falls on my shoulders. Therefore it is my duty as Hokage to step down. I will sign my formal resignation once this war is over.”

There was a sort of stunned silence in the small hearing. Even I was a little shocked that Hiruzen would step forth and say something like this now.

“I will hold a public meeting announcing Shimura Danzo’s crimes and make it clear what has happened will never happen again.”

I was once again caught unawares when his gaze locked onto me and he bowed deeply.

“And for the grief I have caused you Suzuki Hina, I am deeply sorry.”

I stepped back flustered for a moment before indignation threatened to rise in my chest. A sorry? That was all that it amounted to? A fucking _sorry_ and a resignation? This wasn’t a simple office incident, or fraud—this cost me the lives of my parents, and the life of a child under my protection. A sorry would never cut it. I couldn’t accept this apology, and despite my best efforts to look unaffected, my expression twisted into anger. I knew everyone had seen it and known. I didn’t want them to know, this deep pain still clutching onto me along with my unending hatred. But there was no doubt about it.

Everyone knew I hadn’t accepted the Hokage’s apology.

* * *

I waited in the backroom, still chained up. I didn’t expect Inoichi to walk inside instead of the Hokage, but he was there holding up the keys. I wanted to frown his way and show my distaste at his presence, but he had voted in my favour and I owed him my life.

“I’m glad you didn’t speak too much today. The things you have the right to complain about and address, you withheld didn’t you,” he said as he unlocked my chains.

“Don’t get me wrong. I only kept it to myself because I don’t want to hurt the war effort more than I already did.”

“You didn’t seem to think that way yesterday.”

“I was angry yesterday. I still am, but I can think clearly now, and you—you went inside my head when I was tired and confused. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive you for that,” I hissed.

He held his hands up in surrender. “If it’s any consolation, I felt a great deal of your pain along with you. I sympathise, I really do Hina-chan, but you should know you’ve gotten of light because of the Hokage.”

“He’s probably trying to save his arse by being nice to me,” I said glaring his way.

I knew things about him that should I release would make people lose their faith in the Hokage. That would ruin a precarious balance that came with the title itself, and I couldn’t bring it onto myself to do that much damage to this Village. It still had people in it that depended on the military and ruining the figurehead and their sacred position as a protector to the people, would damage an entire system too quickly. Then we’d end up like the Mist and that would lead to unnecessary deaths for more innocent people I didn’t want on my conscience too.

“What did you see in my head?” I asked.

“Are you asking for Orochimaru?” he replied raising a brow.

I shook my head and scowled. “No, for myself. I want to know if you saw my… failures.”

“I did, and I know Orochimaru knew it would happen, that he didn’t lift a finger to help you in that moment. So to see you defend him so hotly confuses and angers me,” he replied honestly.

“I know exactly where he stands. He doesn’t care about anyone but himself, and so he was never obligated to protect me… but he does,” I said feeling oddly defensive. “It’s not his responsibility to have my back, and I know it.”

“Then why do you have his?” Inoichi asked unimpressed.

I couldn’t find the words to reply to his question and he left before I would be forced to. I rubbed my sore wrists and frowned. Why… why was I protecting him?

“Oh an Hina-chan.”

“Yes?”

“Keep your reincarnated status to as little people as possible. It’s not enough to be a village secret on its own, but who knows what trouble it might bring,” he advised.

I nodded. Well it wasn’t like I was going to hold a Village meeting and shout that to the world.

* * *

I was grateful to be able to change back into my Shinobi outfit. I put my holster back on my thighs after wrapping it up tightly with some bandages and tied up my long green hair at the nape of my neck again. I expected to leave in relative silence, but as I made my way to go out, I was met with Fugaku who was about to leave to. I bowed to him catching his attention.

“Thank you for voting in my favour Uchiha-sama,” I said appreciatively.

“And thank you for avenging my Clansmen,” he said curtly, turning to take his leave.

I watched him for a second and I felt inexplicably like I needed to say something foolish and outlandish all at once.

“Uchiha-sama,” I called out, stopping him again. “I want you to know that you would make a great Hokage.”

For a brief moment he looked caught off-guard, but he nodded, taking my comment in silence before leaving. I felt like I had said something significant without giving it too much thought, but for some reason it didn’t feel like the wrong thing to say either. Neither Orochimaru nor Minato would do well as the next Hokage. Orochimaru was… well there was a whole lot wrong with him. Minato definitely held the qualities of a great Shinobi, and a Hokage of great character who would give up his life for his village, but he was too young and inexperienced to deal with the deep political matters that would come from the fallout of a half-decade long war. Fugaku had something more than just character; he had experience. He was both a war hero and a leader already, and he was well versed in Clan affairs, as well as national affairs. I knew he would die for his people, but I also knew he was shrewd.

I couldn’t simply stand by anymore. To let things happen naturally was good and well, but I couldn’t let Konoha fall back into Hiruzen’s hands, which would happen if— _Obito_ killed Minato. Maybe I could somehow stop Obito beforehand but that seemed uncertain. I couldn’t let someone like Danzo rise to power again, and I knew his partner Koharu had agreed with his methods and was still a threat to bringing back ROOT. I was certainly not going to let Orochimaru become the next Hokage.

My family and friends lived in this Village despite the numerous times I had failed it and it me. Even though I felt a hatred for the way this place had treated me, I didn’t know where else to go. I wanted out of these walls because it felt like it was always closing in on me, and now I knew others must have felt it too. Maybe that’s why people deserted to live a life of banditry and crime. Could I risk that?

“Hey kiddo, I knew we could do it,” Gaku greeted me with a fist to the shoulder and shaking me out of my thoughts.

“Your sensei was very adamant about your character. He might have convinced me to talk to some of the other clan heads about your tenacity and courage during our little dinner last night,” Nakano added in from besides the man as she waved a quick goodbye and exited dramatically.

“Why is she… actually kind of cool?” I asked in disbelief.

“Of course she’s cool. She’s the Inuzuka’s Clan head,” Gaku snorted.

He smiled down widely at me, and I smiled back, palming the omamori in my pocket. This time when he ruffled my hair, I didn’t flinch. Not even a part of me was afraid of the pain that had been ingrained into me when it came to Gaku.

“Are you going to keep smiling at me or are you going to go out there and greet everyone?” Gaku asked.

“Everyone?” I asked in confusion.

Gaku put a hand on my shoulder and opened the door to outside. Dozens of familiar faces greeted me and before I could make out all of them, I was bounded into by Anko, Guy and Kurenai. I looked up and noticed Taichi, Tsukiya, Rui, Kakashi, Shisui, Asuma, Yugao, Hayate, Nami, Hanami, Mebuki, Taichi and even Minato and Kushina were in the group.

Before long I was bombarded by a plethora of crying and thrown off kilter from everyone who had rushed me. Guy picked me up and squished me too hard, and then Anko punched him to get him off me before she punched me too. I held my now bruised cheek in shock before she pulled me into an equally as harsh hug.

“Don’t worry me like that again,” she said sniffling.

“Are y-you crying?” I asked in disbelief.

“Idiot vegetable!” she grumbled in embarrassment as she turned away and wiped her tears with a smile

“Nee-chan! You said you’d be back for dinner!” Tsukiya added from in-between hiccups as he tugged at my haori.

“Sorry Tsuki-chan. I won’t be late ever again ok.”

I picked up my little brother and cradled him as Shisui smiled awkwardly at the pouting Anko and stepped over the knocked-out Guy to put another red scarf around my neck.

“Thought you might appreciate it,” he smiled.

“Of course,” I smiled back.

Kakashi simply nodded to himself, as if to confirm that I was alive before he left wordlessly. I chuckled in exasperation as I was bombarded by Taichi’s big-brotherly concerns.

Then I turned to the people who had been waiting for me, to the people most precious to me, and my heart soared like never before. Tears welled up behind my eyes and a wide smile took my face, and I was unable to control whatever relief had overcome me in that moment. Surrounded by the people I loved, I wondered if there was any bigger blessing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAANNNND the ROOT arc is OVER! God, I hope that ending was good, and that I set up what was going to come up next. If this were a book series, I would end book 1 here XD Also Hina has definitely not forgotten about what Shikaku did, but currently she’s going to have a few more pressing concerns than him.  
> Also please don’t slam me in the comments for my lack of awareness on how court cases work. I’m sure irl there’s a lot more to it than this, and even for a village like Konoha I’m sure the actual process would be a whole lot more complicated and longer, but did I really want to drag a court case out for more than a chapter… noooope.


	53. AUTHORS NOTE

Hey guys I just heard that Book 2 wasn't showing up in notifications. I reposted chp 53 there because I accidentally posted it up in Book 1 first. So just a note to go to the next part of the series to continue reading this story! :) Thanks a lot for all your support and reviews. Love ya'll. Keep safe!

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on Instagram @jaz_hop to see my art for Snap Back To Reality!


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